Frequently Asked Questions

Table of Contents

What is Distorted View?

Who is Tim Henson?

What is a Podcast?

 What Is The Sideshow?

How did Distorted View get its start?

How Will I Know If I’m Pregnant?

Why should I give Tim my money?

What does gender re-assignment surgery feel like?

Why do my genitals burn when I listen to Distorted View?

Is it true Tim is an ass pirate?

How can I be included in “The Girls of Distorted View Calendar”?

How often are new episodes posted?

When is Tim’s new album coming out?

Will the album feature the long-rumored duet with the late Luther Vandross?

Where can I get cosmetic surgery to look more like Tim?

How can I be a guest on Distorted View?

Bulimic or Anorexic, which is the smart choice?

Is Tim still in the midst of a Hollywood feud with Dakota Fanning?

Where can I visit the burial site of the stale Kaiser roll?

Will Tim perform at my corporate event / child’s birthday party / highschool graduation / murder trial?

How do I submit a news story to Tim?

Why does Tim hate the elderly?

How do I subscribe to Distorted View?

How can I support Distorted View?

I’m having trouble conceiving. Is Tim willing to be a sperm or egg donor?

What is Sextastic Tuesday?

How can I get a Distorted View bumper sticker

What’s the best way to link to Distorted View?

How can I promote the show?

What is Tim’s preferred means of contraception

 

 

What is Distorted View?

   Distorted View (DV) is a daily comedy show in mp3 format. If you’ve got a computer, tablet, smartphone, or select Samsung refrigerators, you can listen. Each day, host Tim Henson scours the web for bizarre, twisted stories in the news.He then presents them to you, complete with his own off-color commentary.

   In addition to the news, several special features occasionally appear on the show. Every Tuesday, Distorted View presents Sextastic Tuesday, a segment where Tim reads a strange/sick/bizarre/funny erotic story.

   Tim also coined the term “skank”, which refers to a prank call placed on the “Skype” system, a popular internet-telephone service. The prank calls featured on DV usually take the form of a bit called “Tim Pretends to be a 14 Year Old Girl and Talks to Pedophiles”

   The program is explicit, contains adult content and is not suitable for those under 18.

Back to top

Who is Tim Henson?

Tim Henson is a 19-year-old Malaysian chicken breeder who fled his country after the devastating and deadly Poultry Riots of 1986. A scientist and inventor, Tim is responsible for a number of important findings. In 2005 he stunned the scientific community with the discovery of the sided square he dubbed  “Pentasquare”. Tim is also responsible for finding “levenge”, the “lost” number between 2 and 3. It may take decades for Tim’s work to be understood by the general public, but he has no doubt already begun to leave his mark. Not bad for an Asian chicken breeder!

Tim enjoys spending his spare time with his pet Rhinoceros, Christy.  

He is currently the world’s only hermaphroditic juggler.

Back to top

What is a Podcast?

Some people are confused about what “podcast” and “podcasting” mean. It’s not very complicated at all, however. A podcast is an audio show, usually in mp3 format. The way you’d listen to an mp3 file of Kelly Clarkson or Wham, is the same way you’d listen to a podcast. The name “podcast” comes from iPod and “broadcasting”

Podcasting lets you “subscribe” to shows. By subscribing to a show, every time a new episode is posted, you will automatically receive it on your phone or computer. This eliminates the need to constantly visit the website to see if a new show is online.

To subscribe to a podcast, you need a podcatcher, or aggregator. These apps (many of them are free)  check to see if new shows have been posted. If you have Apple iTunes you already have a podcatcher!

The podcatcher needs to know what shows to look for. For instance, by entering  http://distortedview.com/?feed=rss2 into your podcatcher, you would be subscribing to Distorted View.

Back to top

What is The Sideshow?

In November of 2006, Tim Henson quit his day job and started doing Distorted View Daily for a living. He created The Sideshow as Distorted View’s exclusive member site. Every week, exclusive content is produced just for these paying members. Full shows, extended programs, (for example: members will get 20+ minutes of exclusive bonus material) weekeend shows, videocasts, and more. Plus, only Sideshow members can access the entire back catalog of shows, which has now past the 2,000 mark! The best way to support Distorted View is to become a member of the Sideshow.

http://www.superfreaksideshow.com

Back to top

How Did Distorted View Get its Start?

Tim’s personal website went online in 1996 and was later renamed Distorted View. In December 1997 when Tim began to experiment with streaming audio, the Distorted View Show was born. The first set of 13 programs were typically an hour long and featured friends hanging out, trying to make each other laugh and the occasional pre-recorded sketch.

Despite the amateurish quality of the program, a Dallas, Texas-based Internet broadcaster picked up The Distorted View Show in 1998. The Real-Talk Network was envisioned as complete e-commerce site and Internet radio station. The idea was to have each of the shows advertise products that could then be purchased on the Real-Talk site.

After airing 13 pre-recorded programs, Real-Talk relocated Tim and co-host Joe Donatone to Dallas to begin producing live shows from their broadcast studio. In June 2000, the first 2-hour live show aired. The success was short-lived, however, as the company was soon forced to declare bankruptcy and shut their doors.

In December 2000, Tim created Distorted View Daily for 1-800 Telephone service TellMe. Callers could listen each day to strange news stories with inappropriate comments and remarks by a vulgar, cynical host. It was almost immediately one of the services top destinations. A CD of popular sketches and bits was produced and became a top seller on mp3.com.

In 2002 Distorted View moved briefly to mp3newsbreak.com, a service that would automatically send audio news in mp3 format to your computer every day. In April of 2003, Distorted View Daily segments occasionally aired on Sirius Satellite Radio.

December 2004 saw the rebirth of Distorted View, this time as a podcast. Today, Distorted View is more popular than ever. Tens of thousands of people listen to the distortion everyday. In August 2005, the show won Best Comedy Podcast at the first annual Podcast Awards.

Back to top

How will I know if I’m Pregnant?

Telltale signs of pregnancy include but are not limited to:minor toothache, bloodlust, genital discoloration, divorce, male-pattern baldness, gangrene, rapid weightless/gain, minor cuts and scrapes, short-term schizophrenia, and athlete’s foot.

Back to top

Why should I give Tim my money?

Because doing a daily show is hard work, and he ain’t gettin’ paid for it. It’s been estimated that an
average episode of Distorted View costs $487,000 to make. Please, consider paypaling him some money. It’ll keep a lonely boy off the streets, if only for a short-while.

Back to top

What does gender-reassignment surgery feel like?

Squishy, but not in an entirely unpleasant way.

Back to top

Why do my genitals burn when I listen to Distorted View?

In clinical trials, Distorted View has been proven to cause slight genital discomfort, along with hysterical blindness, and semi-hysterical constipation. While the cause is currently un-known, these symptoms are typically mild and pass within a week or so. If crotchrot sets in, seek a
trained physician/amusement park ride operator immediately.

Back to top

Is it true Tim is an ass-pirate?

Though tales of Tim’s ass-piracy are greatly exaggerated, they are not completely without merit. For further information, offer up your ass and lets see what happens!  

Back to top

How can I be included in the Girls of DV calendar?

The Girls of DV Calendar is a proposed 2023 12-month wall-calendar featuring lady listeners in sexy/disturbing/funny poses. While nudity is not necessary per se, you must be willing to work it. Contact tim@distortedview.com for details.

Back to top

How often are new episodes posted?

Every weekday! New shows are typically posted in the late afternoon / early evening. If Tim is on vacation, sick, or just lazy, Best-Of shows will air in it’s place. Very rarely, a new or best-of show will appear during the weekend.

Back to top

When is Tim’s new album coming out?

The lengthy court battle over Tim’s first album is expected to reach its conclusion when he appears before the supreme court next month.  Until that time a strict gag order has been issued keeping both Tim and MCA from discussing the situation candidly.  His Sophomore release, tentatively titled, “If I Were a Marionette” has been shelved indefinitely by Sony. Stay tuned for updates regarding a release date!

Back to top

Will the album feature the long-rumored duet with the late Luther Vandross?

The estate of Luther Vandross has requested (via Cease and Desist letter) that Tim distance himself from any reference to a collaboration or personal association with the late singer.

Back to top

Where can I get cosmetic surgery to look more like Tim?

The American Cosmetic Surgery Association of America has prohibited the practice of giving patients Tim Henson’s facial features. For a list of unlicensed “physicians” in your local area that are not constrained by the bounds of ethical limitations imposed by the ACSAA, please google “Tim Henson BackAlley Face Lift”.

Back to top

How can I be a guest on Distorted View?

The easiest way to have your voice heard on DV is to send a voicemail. At the end of each program Tim reads emails and plays voice messages left to the show. Call 206-666-4463 (206-66-OH GOD!) and go town. If you think you’d be an interesting/fun guest,
E-mail Tim 

Back to top

Bulimia or Anorexia: Which is the smart choice?

For my money, Bulimia is the way to go. You can eat whatever you want, your abs get a daily work out, and you can lie and tell people, “I’ve just always been blessed with a fantastic metabolism.”  That really pisses people off.

Back to top

Is Tim still in the midst of a Hollywood feud with Dakota Fanning?

Dakota Fanning, 10 year old actress and self described “party slut” has been feuding with Tim ever since they shared the screen almost a decade ago in the  tender love story, “A Tricycle Built For One and a Half Little Ladies“. The picture, which Variety called, “A PG-13 clusterfuck of a film
about a 10 year old’s sexual awakening staring Dakota Fanning in the lead role with Tim Henson as the pedophilic zookeeper responsible for her undoing. This modern Lolita retelling pulls no punches in its graphic depiction of ‘love’ and culminates in a steamy scene centered around a goat in heat that will no doubt have P.E.T.A. up in arms for years to come,” was a colossal success.

But fame came too quick to Dakota, and the off-screen romance she shared with Tim fizzled after she was photographed with N.Y.P.D. Blue’s Dennis Franz.  In the midst of their well-publicized fall out, a drunken Henson stumbled into Fanning’s Bel Air home and threatened her with a funoodle. As heard in the now infamous 911 tape, Henson told the operator, “I’ve killed her. Oh God, I think I’ve killed her with a pool toy. You’ve got to send someone. Dakota Fanning isn’t moving.”

In reality, Tim had beaten a Kid Sister doll, whom he believed was the young star.  He had actually broken in to the home of musical legend Shawn Colvin.

After the 911 call surfaced on the Internet, the two avoided each other in public but waged a vicious media war, which culminated in their August 14th, 2004 face-off at the trendy Hollywood hotspot, NoBu. Dakota, furious at being made to wait while Henson was immediately ushered to a corner booth, stormed his table accosting both he and his unnamed female companion.
The resulting dance-off left 3 dead, 13 injured, and several thousands of dollars in damages. The two have not spoken since.

Back to top

Where can I visit the burial site of the stale Kaiser roll?

In accordance to his wishes the Kaiser roll is buried in a quiet cemetery outside of Paris in a plot immediately to the right of his long-time friend Jim Morrison.

Back to top

Will Tim perform at my corporate event / child’s party / high
school graduation / criminal trial?

Absolutely. Tim’s standard fee for a 30 minute public appearance (nudity not included) is $7,500.34 not including cost of airfare, hotel accommodations, and meals. The following is a breakdown of a typical performance:

5 minute Introduction (must be approved by Tim)

10 minute keynote speech by Tim

10 minute meet-and-greet / autograph signings

5 minute cookies and refreshments (provided by Tim)

A 2 hour “Happy Endings” engagement is also available. Price
and details provided upon request.

Back to top

How do I submit a news story to Tim?

You can always E-mail your news tips to tim directly. Tim’s address is: show@distortedview.com

Back to top

Why does Tim hate the elderly?

Why don’t you? Have you smelled them? Have you ever tried to drive on the same road as one of these people? Have you ever been behind one of them in the grocery checkout lane? What are they contributing to society? If you elect me president, I promise you Mandatory Euthanasia at the age of 65. My campaign slogan is “I AM SOLD: KILL THE OLD! HENSON 2022

Back to top

How Do I Subscribe to Distorted View?

Subscribing to Distorted View lets you receive new shows automatically on your computer, without the need to visit our dorky website.

If you’ve got a smart phone, there are gazillions of great podcast apps.

Each program asks you to enter the “Feed” for Distorted View. Just type in: https://distortedview.com/?feed=rss2

Back to top

How can I support Distorted View?

Obviously, financial support is always appreciated. But if you can’t afford to donate to DV, there are many other things you can do!

1) Spread the distortion! Word of mouth is the best way to get more listeners. Tell your friends about the show, talk about it on Internet forums (but don’t spam), or plaster a link or two on your own website.

2) Are you a graphic artist or web designer? If you’d like to donate your time, Tim will put you to work on various projects, including designing artwork for upcoming DV merchandise.

3) Did I mention financial support is always appreciated? Paypal us some mad cash, yo.

4) Scour the web for funny video/audio or news stories and Send them to Tim

Back to top

I’m having trouble conceiving. Is Tim willing to be a sperm or egg donor?

All too happily. For an envelope containing free samples of both, write to Tim Henson c/o Distorted View, PO Box 4051, Dublin, Ohio 43016

Back to top

What is Sextastic Tuesday?

Every Tuesday things get a little sexier, a lot dirtier and a whole lot stranger, as Sextastic Tuesday takes over the show. Tim reads an erotic story to you, but these aren’t just ANY sleazy sex tales. No, no…they’re sextastic. Aunt Jemima banging Mrs. Butterworth! A unicorn orgy! Gay Transformer cartoon porn! Tales of bloody tampon lovers! Nothing is taboo during Sextastic Tuesday.

Back to top

How Can I get a Distorted View Bumper Sticker?

Tim gives out bumper stickers (also known as cumper stickers) as prizes. Listen to DV for your chance to win one! A $0.14 value!

Back to top

What is the best way to link to Distorted View?

Just link to the following address: http://www.distortedview.com

Back to top

How can I help promote the show?

Tell your friends! Tell strangers! DV is always looking for a few good freaks to join in on the fun.

Talk DV up in message boards around the Internet.

Like us on Facebook, follow Tim on Twitter, and watch and share DV’s videos on Youtube.

Play DV for your friends in the car. Vote for us and leave feedback at iTunes, Stitcher Radio, Podcastalley, etc.

Back to top

What is Tim’s Preferred means of contraception?

Tim has long been a staunch and outspoken supporter of the rhythm method. To voice your support for Tim’s cause, purchase “Rhythm is Gonna Get Ya” T-Shirts, panties, or polos. All profits go directly to Tim.   

Back to top