On Today’s Show:
| Introduction | 0:00.000 |
| Bad Life Alert Acting | 1:28.208 |
| Another Low Battery Smoke Alarm | 5:20.494 |
| AI Emma Watson Still Harassing Poor Man | 7:51.723 |
| Gay Dream Date: Blowing Dudes And Big Macs | 12:48.154 |
| Butt Dialing 911 While Kill Dudes (In A Video Game) | 15:09.356 |
| Shitty Uber Passengers | 23:30.806 |
| Sign Up For The Sideshow! | 28:55.748 |
| North Korea Bans Fun In All Forms | 30:20.737 |
| Sucking Down A Condom Banana | 35:12.761 |
| A Love Triangle Gets Punchy Down At The Race Track | 37:52.905 |
| Voicemails: 206-666-4463 / Ending | 41:54.520 |
