Chris Chan Returns- A Message To The Trolls And Toxic Sinners

October 18, 202377 min read

Tim

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Chris Chan Returns- A Message To The Trolls And Toxic Sinners

On Today’s Show:

00:00:00:00.00	Introduction
00:01:52:19.67	Oh God, He’s Back – Chrischan Returns
00:18:17:17.45	Another Tour Of A Gamer’s Roach Infested Bedroom
00:21:30:00.79	Starbuck Employee Gets Written Up / Plays The Race Card / Wants A Lawyer
00:29:05:22.50	Sigh Up For The Sideshow!
00:30:56:23.66	Methed Up Man Sexed Up A Stuffed Animal
00:36:55:21.68	Another Bowel Movement Mishap Grounds An Airplane
00:40:53:01.63	Making Your Freakish Double Pussy Work For You
00:44:52:11.23	Voicemails: 206-666-4463 / Ending

Today’s Sponsor:

_{Promo Code: FREAK Save 50% + Free Shipping And Gifts} | _{Coupon Code “FREAK” at checkout! Adam&Eve}

Important Show Stuff:

Call In To The Voicemail Line: 206-666-4463
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AI Transcript:

Hey freaks, it’s Wednesday, October 18th, 2023.

Coming up on the program today, Christian is out of jail and back in front of the cameras.

It’s the return of our favorite Sonic the Hedgehog loving motherfucking trans lesbian incest felon.

Plus a stinky gamer takes us on a tour of his roach infested bedroom today.

Distorted view daily proudly presents great moments in Pissed Off Parents.

You’re just no good.

You were no good from the day you were born.

You aggravate me every day of my life.

You’re my cross.

You’re my misery.

Instead of getting your shower and getting ready and being happy, what are you doing?

You’re making me sick in my stomach.

That’s what you enjoy.

Making me sick.

This is what he’s doing.

I’m telling you right now, he shouldn’t show up at that church and that wedding.

He is moving out.

I am throwing everything out that’s out the window.

I swear God is my judge.

I am throwing everything out.

I do not want him here.

All he brings me is aggravation.

And I swear to God almighty, if I have to, I’ll get his car, I’ll run it into a tree, and I’ll get that computer, and it’ll go right out that front window.

I’ll go right through the glass.

The Distorted View Show with Tim Henson.

You know, Optimus Prime is my husband, nigga.

It’s a great tragedy.

I’m sucking dick after dick over here.

I’m so constipated, yeah.

Yeah.

Take that shit.

Well, freaks, we all knew this day would come.

In the Tardosphere, one moron stood alone, hovering above all other.

Well, I don’t know how he could stand alone and also hover.

That doesn’t make any sense.

Hold on, let me take that again.

In the Tardosphere, one moron shined above all.

Is it shined or should it be shown?

He shone above.

No, that doesn’t sound right.

And besides, everyone in the Tardosphere is dim.

They’re mush-brained dullards.

None of them are shining.

One more time.

In a Tardosphere full of brain-no-goods, the stupidest fuckwit of all, unsavory numero uno and literal motherfucker, Chris Chan slash Christian Weston Chandler slash Christine Weston Chandler slash Sonic Chu has finally re-emerged to reclaim the throne of king or queen of the Youtards, where he, she, zim, zee, insert Sonic pronouns here, so rightfully belongs.

Now, after serving time in prison for incest, Christian has been further cemented as a lol-cow god, epitomizing everything we cherish and honor when it comes to the almighty Youtards.

Can I get a hallelujah?

Low IQ, delusional, sounds funny when he talks, easily tricked into filming himself, getting naked and masturbating, speaking a lot of gibberish.

These are the qualities we look for in a Youtard.

And the qualities Christian has perfected.

But now, on this, the 18th day of October, in the year of the Lord, although having these Youtards walk the Earth kind of proves there is no God, but I digress.

In the year of our Lord, 2023, Christian has ascended to a new spiritual realm of stupidity.

For he is a convicted felon who fucked his elderly mom.

And upon release from prison, returned to social media and began sharing way too much, learning absolutely nothing from this entire ordeal.

For he is the greatest Youtard to ever live.

The greatest Youtard to ever live.

Yes, freaks, it was only a matter of time.

When we last checked in with Christian back in August, apparently he had been released from prison.

Now, yes, he was arrested for incest with his mom, his very elderly, dementia-ridden, feeble, frail mom.

He was in jail for about two years when things started happening rapidly.

First, on March 27th of this year, Chris was bailed out by a court order and transferred to an undisclosed facility.

Now, before this, his incest charges were raised to a class five felony.

I don’t know what that means, but it doesn’t sound great.

The really strange thing is, despite all of this, on August 25th, all of Chris’s charges were dismissed.

Now, there are a couple of theories.

One, Chris never fucked his mom.

I don’t like that theory.

I reject that on principle.

The other theory is like he tried to fuck his mom, but didn’t complete the job.

And also he was later found to be completely incompetent.

He knows not what he does.

You know, he’s an idiot.

So maybe he had to stay at a group home for a couple of years, get some rehabilitation, and then all of the charges would be dropped.

I don’t know.

There is evidence though that something went down between he and his mom.

He’s currently not allowed anywhere near her.

You know, this was all a giant misunderstanding.

Why is there still like a restraining order?

Also, I should note, I’m getting a lot of my information from Encyclopedia Dramatica, which is not exactly legal filings.

You know what I mean?

It’s a good enough source for Distorted View Daily though.

Ting, they’re doing God’s work over there at Encyclopedia Dramatica.

Anyway, so yeah, Chris Chan is not allowed anywhere near Barb, and it’s speculated that Chris is still living in a group home.

Cause like, where else is he going to live?

Is a Daniel Larson, Chris Chan crossover in the cards?

Maybe.

Oh my God, though.

We need to get those two in an apartment together.

Our offer should be this.

I’m going to try to get some investors involved.

We get them an apartment together, and we load up that apartment with all sorts of video cameras.

It’s surveilled 24 hours a day.

We charge people, I don’t know, like five bucks a month to watch all of the streams of security cameras.

And then just sit back and profit, baby.

We can cut up the best moments, release them as podcasts.

You know, we can kind of stir the pot, introduce drama.

We can sort of like play God.

Oh, it would be a hoot.

If you’re interested in getting this started with me, please email businessopportunitiesatdistortedview.

com.

I know that’s kind of a long email address.

Oh, and also business is spelled with a Z and instead of a U it’s an I.

So it’s B-I-Z, business opportunities.

There is a U in there though.

It’s just where the E was supposed to be.

So it’s B-I-Z-I-N-U-S-S, business.

Oh, and opportunities, fuck, I forgot.

When I was setting up the email address, I accidentally typed only one P.

So in opportunities, there’s only one P and there’s two E’s at the end, like T-E-E.

So B-I-Z-I-N-U-S-S-O-P-U-R-T-U-N-I-T-E-E-S at distortedview.

com if you’re interested in investing.

Thank you.

I really need to get that fixed.

Had that email address for 15 years.

I have yet to receive one message.

All right, enough of this buildup.

Yes, I’ve got some audio here from Chris’s most recent video.

And one thing that I learned that I found fascinating, this motherfucker has been arrested.

He was in jail, in prison group homes.

He has not received the mental health help that he so desperately needs.

It’s like no time has really passed whatsoever.

He’s the same old Chris Chan.

He wrote a description for his video and then signed it, Mrs.

Jesus Christine Weston Chandler, SonicTube Prime.

My man is on absolutely no brain pills whatsoever.

This video was just posted yesterday.

It is piping hot and fresh.

Yes, October 17th, 2023.

Take it away, Christine.

Hey everyone, Jesus Christine Weston Chandler, SonicTube Prime here.

And right now I’m gonna set the record straight.

So just so y’all know, straightforward and blunt to the point.

The reason I went to jail, the charge I was charged with, I was innocent.

There never, ever, ever, ever, ever was any sense between Barbara and I, period.

We call it lovemaking.

There’s a difference.

By the way, there was a recorded phone call where Chris Chan talks about banging his mom.

When did you start having feelings for Barbara?

Obviously for, you know, well, for a long time.

I mean, I remember you mentioning some time ago on one of my videos that I had dreams where I had, like dreams where I had sex with her, obviously.

Really?

Yeah.

How, how, if you don’t mind me asking, I know that’s probably personal, you have to answer, but how was the sex?

I’d say it was satisfactory.

It took a while.

It took a few tries to- It took a few tries, yeah.

Ouch.

That’s not exactly a glowing review.

I would be embarrassed if I was Chris Chan’s mom.

What do you mean it was just satisfactory?

Mama gave you her pussy.

You ain’t getting laid from anyone else.

What the hell does he have to compare it to?

You know what I mean?

She is, she is older.

Yeah, obviously I’m never gonna propose marriage to her at all, because we’re already daughter and mom.

Yeah, mother and daughter.

You know, they say there’s no, there’s no stronger bond between a mother and her daughter.

How great would it have been if Chris Chan didn’t get arrested and this relationship had time to really blossom?

I have a feeling there would be a proposal.

That would have been an amazing arc.

Sorry?

We’ve been doing it every third night and the first night being on June 27th.

Chris Chan is having more sex than me.

I mean, it’s with his mom, but I don’t want to get bogged down in the details here.

The point is, Chris Chan was smashing on a regular basis.

Well, at least you have a stable, you have a stable relationship.

I wouldn’t exactly call what was going on stable, but okay, all right, so there you go.

That’s the, that’s the confession that Chris Chan is now saying never happened.

Let’s get back to this newest video.

I was innocent.

I have a few ball points to go through anyway.

I’m a shoo.

I mean, where are we going to end up here?

So obviously we got all the hangers and fakers and the toxic sinners that really, that tried to manipulate me and so much.

I mean, just, that was a mess of good grief right there.

Why did y’all have to do that?

You guys are real stinkers.

Why’d you do that?

He had to spend two years in prison.

Good golly, gee willikers, that was something.

Maybe he is on some medication because I know if I was sent to prison for two years for something I didn’t do, I’d be pissed off.

Look what you motherfuckers did to me!

You ruined my life!

Chris Chan is just like, ah, shucks guys.

Last two years sure hasn’t been no walk in the park.

I don’t know why you’re always razzing me.

You all really erroneously misunderstood me, period.

Yeah, how could we misconstrue what Chris said in that phone call there?

And just, that was a whole mess up.

I mean, shoot, even y’all, y’all were your fricking smut fitchens.

I know some of you are the minority that are the worst.

Chris Chan has checked out some of the erotic fanfic you all have been writing about he and Barb.

I like that he’s admonishing you.

This is disgusting.

Disgusting smut fanfic I found that you wrote about me and my mom that I masturbate to on a regular basis.

Shame on you!

Also, keep sending it to me so I don’t have to go looking for it.

You are the worst, the majority being actually good, okay?

I, you are the minority.

You’ve written those smut fanfictions.

You shipped me with Barbara.

You shipped me with that snorlax.

He’s calling Barbara the snorlax now?

Wow, way to throw your mom under the bus.

She did absolutely nothing wrong.

I mean, assuming she was senile at the time.

This is so great because he’s taking absolutely no responsibility for anything.

So far he’s blamed the haters and the trolls and also Barb, that snorlax.

And I’ve seen worse shit.

Barbara was definitely not the perfect mother with me.

Just, it was not the perfect mother-daughter relationship there, period.

Well, no one’s gonna argue that.

Typically when a daughter uses her trans dick to fuck her mom, there’s some problems in that relationship.

It’s not all sunshine and rainbows.

Growing up, there was the times of abuse, even though there was love and caring in there and throughout.

Oh my God, listen to him.

A lot of the whole different kettle of fish right there.

He’s really trying to gain some sort of sympathy from us, right?

My mommy abused me.

Well, you kind of got back at her in a way.

We’ll call it even.

But yeah, the bullying, the terrorizing and all that, they really fucked me up.

Why do I get the sense that there’s gonna be more sex crimes on the horizon for Chris-Chan here?

Now I’m really fucked up.

Who knows what I’m capable of?

But hey, you’re never gonna make me commit suicide, period.

And that was the attention that Bella had.

Bella was that woman you heard who was talking to Chris-Chan about how, you know, Chris was fucking his mom.

And all her chopped and screwed up recordings with all the attention and manipulating me into that.

But hey, I foreknew she was gonna do that.

I tested her.

At the time, I only, I treated her like, you know, just as a friend, trying to get her to be on the good side.

That audio did not sound all chopped up.

She was merely just sort of asking probing questions.

Anything’s possible.

I guess it could have been chopped up, but it didn’t sound like it.

I took the initiative in my own hands.

So I let Divine Intervention and timing and everything just send me, just let me go to jail, spend my time suffering and spending the time for your sins, you fucking, fucking toxic ones.

As if Chris-Chan needed more of a Jesus complex.

Now he’s saying he went to jail for our sins.

I’m calling it right now, freaks.

This is not going to end well.

And I realize it doesn’t take a Nostradamus type to get those vibes from Chris, but this is very concerning.

And I meditate and learn everything.

I am Jesus Christ, me incarnate.

And I am the one avatar of all existence.

And I’m going to say that there is nothing but good and righteousness and light powered individuals and encouraging all the neutros to be good.

Well, there you go.

I mean, there’s a bit more, but I think we need to move on.

And as far as YouTube apology videos, this isn’t the worst one I’ve seen.

Hey, at no point did he whip out a ukulele.

Let’s give him some props where props are due.

All right, well, there you go.

Chris-Chan is back, baby.

Oh, I will give you a little sneak peek of things to come regarding Chris-Chan.

Near the end of his most recent video, he drops this piece of info.

But to end this on a more positive note, so the girl y’all have seen me with in the past few weeks, I’ll tell you a little something about her.

She’s a friend of mine and I refer to her only as Flutter because she likes Fluttershy, okay?

I met her in Lynchburg.

She got in touch with me while I was in jail and we managed to meet and we managed to bond and connect with each other as friends.

And she is literally 30 years old despite her physicality.

Not exactly sure what that last line meant.

Despite the way she looks and her physicality, she’s 30.

There is a 0% chance this is not a troll, right?

This is just, I mean, this has happened time and time again.

History is repeating itself.

It’s only a matter of time before Flutter here asks Chris Chan to fuck himself with a baseball bat.

Can you record yourself sticking your penis in a waffle iron?

Just turn it on for a second until it gets warm.

We’re all in store for some great content in the coming weeks.

Although there has been some debate online if she is a troll.

Some people are saying she’s not.

She’s just a deluded white knight slash fan.

Someone suggested that she’s not a troll and that there’s just a high possibility that something is going on with her, upstairs in the brain area.

She’s messed up like Chris Chan and she just wants a genuine friendship with him.

So we’ll see how this all plays out.

Oh, I’m so excited.

Lot to look forward to, freaks.

All right, let’s move on.

Speaking of just, ick people.

Remember that guy we featured not too long ago?

I believe he is a Minecraft or Fortnite gamer and he lives in utter squalor.

I know, I’m gonna have to narrow it down.

Lot of gamers live like that, right?

Well, this guy would video himself cleaning up his room, but he always seemed to give up halfway through.

Not even really halfway through, an eighth of the way through.

In the videos, he’d show off like, the moldy glasses half full of soda, bugs, fleas, ticks, all the shit in his room.

Well, he’s back with a new update.

His room is just as disgusting as last time.

Fast food, fast food bags, plates, cups of soda.

All that shit is on the floor, on his desk.

I can practically smell the thumbnail.

Lots of staining on the floor.

All right, let’s see what he has for us today.

Roach check.

Oh yeah, lots of roaches in his room.

I love this series, roach check.

Roach check.

Today I’m gonna be counting how many roaches I have in my room.

So of course we have the rats, and the rats have been eating a lot of roaches.

He has some pets.

These rats are in a cage.

They’re not just like rats that came in from the outside because they smelled the rot.

I think he actually purchased these rats to eat the roaches.

Like this is his big solution.

Rather than clean the room, let’s introduce rodents into the house.

My room.

So of course we have the rats, and the rats have been eating a lot of roaches since I introduced them to my inhabitat.

My inhabitat.

But one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

There’s eight roaches on that towel.

One, two right there.

I don’t think those are roaches.

I think that’s shit.

I think they’re like mouse turds or something.

Right there.

Those are very tiny roaches.

Another roach right there.

There’s like an Incrustables wrapper, a Hot Pocket sleeve that is collecting shit, roaches, and hair.

And then we got, let’s see, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18.

Are these like baby roaches that didn’t make it because the environment is too inhospitable?

19 on this side, 10 on the top, or 20.

21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27.

And I’m sure there’s more under the bottle cap.

So we’ll just call it an even 30.

Also, I did spill coffee all over my keyboard.

This broke my heart.

As you guys know, I’ve had this keyboard for a long time.

Yeah, he didn’t clean it up though.

It’s just all over his keyboard still.

And I actually did get a little emotional.

It’s hard to say goodbye to an old friend.

I don’t really have any friends.

So this was a big deal for me.

Okay.

Our boy here is dealing with some shit.

That being said, like most of his videos, he doesn’t get very far with the cleaning.

I think he likes the roaches.

They’re his only friends.

All right, real quick, before we get into the news, I’ve got one more infuriating video to share with you.

We’ve got a Starbucks employee here being written up for wearing AirPods during her shift.

Apparently that’s not allowed and she’s done it repeatedly.

It’s so funny because the comments on this video are broken up into two camps and it’s all dependent on how old you are.

If you’re older than say, I don’t know, 23, 25, something like that, the comments are along the lines of, I can’t believe she recorded this.

That’s an instant firing.

Bitch can’t follow the rules and then cries about it when she’s caught, you know, that type of thing.

But then the younger people are like, what’s the big deal?

So what if she wore AirPods?

And it’s like, well, first of all, she’s in a job where she has to like constantly be talking to customers.

So maybe she shouldn’t have something blaring into her ear.

Second of all, this is like a food service industry problem.

You can’t have these things that are precariously dangling from your ears and can drop into someone’s food or drink at any moment.

There’s like, there’s rules for that when you’re working with food.

Let me play the video and let’s see how everyone acts.

We’re here today to talk about the continued performance issue that’s been happening at the store.

Specifically, what we’re going to talk about is wearing your earphones or AirPods repeatedly after several coaching conversations from Michelle.

Oh yeah, we had, I had a phone, and we had one conversation about it.

Okay, so I have on March 2nd, March 7th, and March 8th.

Food manager has come with the receipts.

How long do you think it’s going to take before the employee says she’s feeling attacked here?

Chef supervisor, Layla Dalton, was wearing her AirPods, wireless earphones while on the clock and working a shift on the floor.

Are you going to give Ava and Tyler a write-up?

Have you given them a write-up yet?

We will deal with the AirPods.

Because they’ve been doing it way before me.

At first I thought, well, that’s a good argument.

Other employees are doing the same thing.

Of course, that doesn’t necessarily make it right.

And also, you were told specifically not to wear the AirPods and then you continued to do it, so.

Okay, so I thank you for bringing that to our attention.

I’m not throwing them under the bus.

It’s just that, while I have, like, well, y’all are kind of throwing them under the bus.

You could have kept it a little vague, like other employees wear AirPods too.

I mean, you named Tyler.

I think she has a problem with Tyler.

We’ve been doing it since over a year ago.

Thank you for bringing that to our attention.

We’ll look into it and we’ll take action from there.

I would like to just have a respectful conversation about what happened with you and we’ll get through this.

I don’t want to answer anything.

I’m not asking any questions.

Yeah, well, I’m just not going to say anything or sign anything without a lawyer.

Okay.

And I’m very, very- Ooh, we’re getting lawyers involved now.

It’s like, look, you’re not even being fired.

She’s just talking to you as a boss to an employee.

I mean, since she already warned you once, I’m sure the conversation was going to go like, look, this is your final warning, please.

You’re not allowed to wear AirPods.

And that would be it.

This employee acts like she’s being arrested.

She’s like, I’m entitled to my one phone call.

And she’s like, what?

That’s right, bitch.

I’m going to get you fired.

You didn’t read me my Miranda rights.

I’m very, very appalled that you’re attacking me again because of my race, obviously.

Oh, oh, there it is.

One minute and 10 seconds into this conversation, the race card comes out.

How is the white manager going to handle it?

It is a very precarious situation to navigate.

Because you haven’t, this is all because I’m black.

And it’s really, really sad that you guys are doing this to me.

And it’s sad that like, I mean, like you guys don’t care about us.

You guys are cold-blooded and it really hurts.

And I don’t want to sign anything.

And I heard what you said.

So I don’t know why we have to talk about this when I know what the conversation will be about.

And I understand what you’re saying.

And I’m not going to wear AirPods.

And I did that, I did that twice.

Oh, now we’re up to two times.

I thought you only did it once before.

And never, we had one conversation.

I took it off and didn’t think I was going to get written up for that after so many other people were in for over, since the store started.

I’m so sorry that you feel that way.

No, you’re not sorry that you feel that way.

That’s not our intention.

And that’s definitely not mine.

I can’t talk to you guys.

I need to, okay, I can’t work the rest of today.

I need to go home.

Okay.

I mean, in the grand scheme of things, this isn’t even a huge deal.

It’s like, look, we told you not to use your AirPods.

You’re still using them.

So just please stop using your AirPods.

This is because I’m black.

I want my lawyer.

I can’t talk to you.

I need the week off.

Okay, I gotta go home now.

I can’t work today.

You can do that.

Okay, I can’t work today.

I can’t.

Sorry.

The manager’s like, it’s okay.

You can go home.

I’m sorry you feel this way.

No, you’re not.

You like having this power over me, this control preventing the black woman from listening to her music during her shift.

You know what this is?

This is modern day Jim Crow.

I don’t know.

I’m not even sure what that means.

I don’t understand what I did wrong, I don’t understand what I did wrong to you.

Why are you discriminating me?

I don’t understand what I did wrong to you.

Guys, is that real crying or fake crying?

It’s all because I’m black?

I don’t understand?

I feel like it is fake because she’s saying it loud enough that she wants other people to hear it.

Like the customers.

This is because I’m black!

It’s all because I’m black?

I don’t understand.

It’s so fake.

I’m going to take them out and I’m going to continue to wear them on different days.

No, different days.

After three phone conversations with your store manager, you continued to wear them on three two, three seven, and three eight.

I’m going to continue to wear them on three two, three seven, and three eight.

This is a tax.

It’s discrimination.

I can’t talk from now on.

I need a lawyer.

Again, she wasn’t going to be fired, but I feel like threatening to get lawyers involved, that’s not going to help her chances of staying employed with this Starbucks.

Do I have any Starbucks employees as listeners?

Is there an official AirPod policy?

Because I have a hard time believing employees are allowed to be wearing these things to, you know, zone out.

I’m sick of hearing customers’ voices.

I just want to listen to my tunes.

I mean, I appreciate that sentiment, but I don’t think Starbucks is going to condone that.

All right.

And with that, let’s get into the crazy bizarre twist of the Pug Dub News right now.

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com slash distortedview.

You’ve heard of Patreon, right?

You can pledge as little as a dollar over there.

Every little bit helps.

If you pledge at least $5, you get access to a special voicemail line where I will play your calls first.

Thank you so much to all of my patrons and you Sideshow freaks for continuing to support DV.

Again, you are the reason I’m able to continue doing this show.

All right, three very quick stories now.

First up, we got one from Arkansas here.

A 55-year-old midway man faces drug and sexual indecency charges after a deputy said he spotted him having sex with a stuffed animal.

Look, it could be a lot worse.

Yeah, dude could be fucking his mom every third night.

To me, this sounds like one of those victimless crimes.

So what?

He did some meth, drilled a hole into the back of his pound puppy, and then pounded his puppy.

By the way, you know, I was talking on yesterday’s Sideshow exclusive program about how my mom didn’t want me to have a pet when I was a kid, so they got me fish, which is like not a pet at all.

You can’t do anything with fish.

Over the years, I had like a variety.

You know, I had a big aquarium and I had like, you know, the goldfish and those little neon fish.

And then I had one of those, what are they called?

Like beta fishes, the Chinese fighting fish.

That one had to be separated, obviously.

One time though, I went to the mall with my friends and we were just walking around and I’m like, you know what?

I want to add a new fish to my collection.

So we went to the pet store and I got a fish, right?

They put it in a little baggie.

And when I got home, I was so excited.

I showed my parents and I’m like, look, I bought a fish on my own and I’m going to introduce him to his new fish friends in my aquarium.

And I know so little about fish and fish care.

I just sort of dumped the fish from the bag into the aquarium.

And that apparently was the wrong thing to do because the water, the temperature of the water did not match.

And it shocked the fish to death.

It started like it was going crazy and the fish tank was like, and then it just stopped and floated to the top and died.

Apparently you have to like, sort of like slowly submerge the bag into the water.

So the temperatures mix, but I did not know that.

And no one told me I learned a lot about fish care and death that summer when I was like, I think 17 or 18.

I almost got my mom to let me get a bird and I’m so glad it didn’t happen because I don’t want to be a bird guy.

Bird people are weird.

Meat skeleton is a bird guy.

And I, you know, I almost went down that path, but I, uh, I luckily thought to myself, you know, I can, I, my parents are on board with this bird, but I’m 17.

You know, I’m only going to be home for like another year before I go off to college.

Do I really want to be cleaning up bird shit?

And, you know, eventually it’s going to be their problem.

And I just, I, for some reason I actually made a good decision in my life.

And I said, you know what?

No, no to the bird.

But I was excited about getting one that could talk.

You know, I wanted one of those birds that could mimic you.

That’s the closest thing I got to a pet.

Why am I bringing this up?

Oh, because, uh, even when I was young, I wanted, I wanted a dog.

That’s what I really wanted.

And so my parents bought me a pound puppy stuffed animal thinking that would satiate my needs.

And, uh, I don’t know if you guys remember pound puppies from the eighties.

They didn’t look like real dogs.

Like look at the faces of pound puppies.

It kind of looks like a dog crossed with a cabbage patch doll.

Yeah.

You know, they don’t, they don’t look right.

And they’re not lifelike.

They don’t do anything.

Plus it’s weird because I already had stuffed animal dogs.

I had my, uh, my BFF, my best friend, Charlie, the dog, he was a white dog that had a red and white plaid overalls.

Oh, I loved Charlie.

He went with me everywhere.

So I, you know, then I’m like, Hey mom, I want a real dog.

I want a pet dog.

And then they give me a pound puppy.

Like what the fuck is that shit?

First of all, that ain’t a real dog.

First of all, are you trying to replace Charlie?

I already have a fake dog.

I’m friends with, I don’t know what the hell they’re trying to pull.

Now that I got that off my chest, we can get back to this story.

By the way, I don’t even know what the stuffed animal was of a dog.

This dude could have been banging a bug’s bunny plushie.

Let’s read on a judge found probable cause to charge Theodore T.

Morgavan the third with possession of a controlled substance, meth, furnishing possession or using prohibited articles, possession of drug paraphernalia and public sexual indecency.

According to court documents at 1245 AM on October 8th, a Baxter County Sheriff’s deputy observed a vehicle at the Midway store in Locke.

Quote, he stated that he observed that the vehicle was rocking.

When the deputy looked inside of the vehicle, he reported observing Morgavan having sex with a stuffed animal.

I mean, I would argue that this is not public indecency.

It was 1245 AM.

It’s nighttime.

There are no kids around.

The dude was in his own van.

I’m sure that motherfucker had tinted windows.

And if the police officer wasn’t such a pervy looky Lou, he wouldn’t have even known what was going on in the van.

All right.

Upon learning that Morgavan had a search waiver on file from the Arkansas Department of Community Correction, the deputy searched the vehicle and found a purse containing two marijuana pipes and one syringe.

I love that he uses a purse while being booked into the Baxter County Detention Center.

The affidavit stated another deputy found approximately three grams of meth in the purse.

Well, it loosens up your butthole.

What if he was trying to shove that stuffed animal up his ass?

That’d be kind of cool.

That’s different.

After reviewing the case, a judge found probable cause to charge Morgavan and set his bond at $5,000.

On Monday, October 16th, he appeared in court for arraignment where he pleaded not guilty to the charges.

Yeah, fight the man.

He’s due back in court on October 30th with a tentative trial date of February 26th of next year.

Second story we have for you today, an easy jet flight was canceled and its passengers made to disembark after someone on board the aircraft apparently defecated on the airplane bathroom floor.

We’re getting closer to the actual toilet.

So close yet so far.

This came just, what, not even a month after that Delta flight had to turn around after someone had massive diarrhea in the aisles.

I don’t even think this was a particularly long flight.

Like, the dude or woman should have been able to hold it.

The flight took off from a Spanish island and they were just flying to London.

Aaron Gethow, a passenger on board, said they already ran into trouble pre-departure when the scheduled plane was switched out for a smaller aircraft, meaning some customers were turned away at boarding.

Those who made it on board two hours after the scheduled departure then had to wait on the ground for more than an hour while bags were offloaded because of the aircraft being overweight.

Okay, well now I’m starting to see why someone may have to use the toilet.

They’re waiting for hours to get off the ground.

As the delay extended, the atmosphere on the packed flight was characterized by suspense and anger.

And then it just kept getting worse.

Quote, easy jet planes, as they are, aren’t very comfortable.

It’s just a basic seat with okay-ish legroom.

So everyone was just a bit tense, Aaron said.

Then the pilot finally gave the all-clear and then he said that it’ll be about 20 minutes until departure.

And that’s when the incident happened with the defecation.

Oh, they weren’t even in the air?

Gethow said he was seated in the middle of the aircraft but saw two passengers visit the front airplane bathroom.

Then word spread that someone had defecated on the bathroom floor.

An unpleasant smell followed.

As you can guess, no one was really happy about the situation, but the man says he believed the incident was an accident.

Everyone was being polite to each other.

There was no fighting amongst the passengers.

It was just a very uncomfortable experience.

Obviously, the plane was in an unsanitary state, so they had to get external cleaners out from the airport to clean it.

That’s when the stairs reconnected and the cleaners came on to deep clean the flooring.

And you know, because there were no other planes available, they’ve already switched planes once.

Passengers just kind of remained in their seats during the cleaning process.

Afterwards, the captain of the aircraft told the plane’s occupants they would have to disembark in an announcement captured on video by another passenger.

I would play that video for you, but there’s not really any good audio.

It was very frustrating.

Yeah, they had to sit through the deep cleaning process and then still they couldn’t take off.

They had to leave.

We obviously can’t prove whether the person simply had an accident or if they did this out of anger for the delayed flight, but it was hard not to be angry either way, as nobody wants to be stranded in another country.

It was another 30 minutes before passengers were finally let off the plane.

The man was put in a hotel overnight, but it was a 45-minute drive from the airport before boarding a specially scheduled rescue flight the following day.

EasyJet confirmed the initial delays of the flight due to safety reasons.

EasyJet said the safety and well-being of our customers and crew is EasyJet’s highest priority.

And while this was outside of our control, we would like to apologize to customers for the inconvenience.

Look, it’s not the worst thing that can happen on a plane.

I mean, after hijackings and just full-on plane explosions, I think onboard defecation is a distant third when it comes to the worst things that can happen on a plane.

All right, final story we have for you today.

Talk about an embarrassment of riches.

A woman has two pussies.

And best of all, she uses them both.

She’s got like a day cunt and a night pussy, kind of.

A woman born with two uteruses and cervixes revealed how life truly is with her rare health condition.

Annie Charlotte found out just how unique her body is when she went to get a contraceptive coil fitted at the age of 16.

Now at the age of 24, she’s living with uterus didaliphius.

Well whatever the word is, it means she has two uteruses.

The medical phenomenon means the model could conceive two babies with two different men at the same time.

But she also suffers from two periods as a result of her multiple vaginas.

It truly is a double-edged sword.

Or double-edged pussy.

After finding love this year, the content creator, oh yeah, smart broad getting on OnlyFans.

That’s what people want to see, you know, pussy freak shows.

After finding love this year, the content creator from Surrey explained how she has a quirky boundary with her boyfriend.

She said, we have a rule.

One vagina is for work and the other is for him.

And just for him.

So she’s got like a public facing pussy.

And then you know, a private snatch just for her man.

Annie met her partner in February and says he’s been incredibly supportive.

The OnlyFans bombshell added, he’s amazing.

We’re really happy.

I didn’t tell him about my condition until after we had sex for the first time.

How does this exactly work?

It’s not like she has two full-blown pussies.

Right?

Because that’s something she would have noticed before, you know, getting fitted for contraceptives.

You would notice two hairy slits down below, right?

One on the left, one on the right.

I’m guessing it’s just like one external unit, but then inside, that’s where the magic happens.

Multiple holes, various caverns.

You can get lost in there.

It’s dangerous to go alone.

Quote, he reacted with shock and then he asked me a ton of questions and was super curious.

It was more just curiosity more than anything.

And then he said, I want to claim one in the name of Spain.

Wait, the explorer he is.

No, he said, I want to claim one.

I want one for me.

And then you can use the other one for work.

And that was how we got the arrangement.

As for pregnancy concerns, Annie continued, I’m too busy to be thinking about kids, but I think in the future, pregnancy is going to be tough for me with my condition.

And it’s a bit off putting.

Right now, though, she obviously uses her condition to her advantage, where she’s earned one million pounds from her racy OnlyFans page.

While she’s now embracing her two vaginas, it wasn’t always so easy for her to accept.

When she got fitted for her contraceptive coil, the nurse was poking around down there and made a confused and surprised sound.

Dear God.

What the hell am I looking at?

The horror.

Then she ran out of the room.

The nurse got a doctor and it went down a gynecology route.

And this male doctor told me what it was in a very matter of fact way.

Annie has since learned to accept her condition.

She concluded, I really started to accept it.

I stopped looking at it as a medical issue and all the problems that could arise from having kids and instead something that was just a super cool aspect of myself and a potential moneymaker.

It snatches a real cash cow.

Double the cunt, double the dollars.

She’s so lucky.

She says, I’ve completely embraced it and accepted it as part of myself.

And I’ve never been more confident.

If you’re a degenerate pervert like me and you want to check her out on OnlyFans, her name is Annie Charlotte.

Go off and find that two headed coochie.

Freaks.

All right.

There you go.

That, my friends, is your distorted news.

Let’s do a couple of voicemails and get the hell out of here.

I’d love to hear from you freaks and there are many ways to contact the show.

Show at distortedview.

com.

I’m all over social media at distortedview on Twitter and Instagram, facebook.

com slash distortedviewshow.

Remember, if you pledge at least $5 to our Patreon account, you get access to a special voicemail line.

I typically play those calls first.

However, something strange happened today and you know I’m a sucker for cash.

Someone PayPal’d me $20 and said, uh, J-Pow said he sent a voicemail today on the normal line.

Please, for the love of God, read the stuff that went down in general, the general channel in our discord and play that audio tomorrow.

Guys, I got in the discord and I don’t know.

I don’t know what the hell’s going on.

There’s so much conversation going on in the general chat with J-Pow.

First of all, I don’t know who J-Pow is.

I don’t know if he’s called into the program before.

I don’t know if he’s a long time listener, new listener.

I don’t know if he’s a Youtard that wandered into our discord.

I got a message from him at 138 or about him.

He said, uh, I told Tim on all of you.

I left a voicemail.

Tim’s going to make you behave on the show.

I guess he’s insinuating that everyone in the discord is being mean to him.

Earlier in the general chat, he was telling everyone you’re just punching down at a handicapped person to make yourselves feel better.

Yeah, that’s kind of like the point of this podcast.

He must be new here.

Maybe I should just play J-Pow’s.

I wish someone would call in and give me the condensed version of what’s going on here.

I’m just reading various messages from J-Pow.

Obesity isn’t the disability.

Lack of mobility is the disability.

Obesity is caused by my issues.

I have a slow metabolism.

Is this mead?

The government even recognizes my disability.

It’s real.

J-Pow says mead is a bad person.

Mead does bad things and is crazy and scared of bridges and steals.

But then someone in the chat says, well, you do the same thing.

Take out credit card money and your parents name for food delivery without their permission.

He has a disability.

He needs to eat the freaks in the disc.

I don’t know what the hell’s going on here.

Oh my God.

I really have to sit down and I guess just read through this whole thing.

I’m going backwards on the timeline, which is also problematic, but I guess the freaks wanted J-Pow to take a picture of his toilet.

I don’t know why, but the toilet includes all these like brown smears.

All right.

So, you know, he had a problem.

Shit.

And then there’s like this stick kind of sticking out of the toilet.

And then later up against the shower wall or the bathroom wall.

And people are like, well, what the hell is that?

Is that a poop spear?

You know, to break up the shit chunks and J-Pow says, that’s the stick I use to wipe, you know, cause he’s disabled due to the obesity.

People wanted pictures for some reason and they wanted my microwave for some reason.

Oh yeah.

There’s a picture of his microwave and a jar of cheese balls.

Look, this guy gave me $20 so I would play his voicemail.

Looking at my list here of all the voicemails, both the regular voicemails and a Patreon one.

No one called from like J-Pow did not call in or the call didn’t complete or he fucked up somehow.

I think a patron called in to talk about J-Pow.

Hey Tim, it’s Squiggs.

I sent you $20 via PayPal to show at thestirredview.

com.

The reason why is because I’m asking if you could please take a look at J-Pow’s message.

He sent it into the general line.

Oh my God.

You have to read the general chat.

So I sent you a link.

Please, please read it over and then play the message.

Please, please, please.

I’m begging you.

I gave you money.

Please.

Well, I absolutely would play this message right now if one came in, but one did not.

I think J-Pow is fucking with you guys.

Still, I would love to hear from J-Pow.

If you’re listening, call into the show, explain what the hell’s going on.

I want to hear your side of the story.

Other freaks in the discord.

What is your problem with J-Pow?

Call in.

I’m at the bottom of this.

New voicemail wars.

Oh, I am here for it.

Cannot wait.

Make sure your sideshow members, because this might all go down on tomorrow’s episode of DV.

There’s a motherfucking teaser for you.

Well, what the hell is this now?

I want a girl who knows what’s best.

I want a girl who’s an efficiency expert.

Yeah, I know.

Hey, Timmy, Greg from Austin.

I just want to say how happy I am that CB Walker is back.

Yes.

Oh, that’s another thing we talked about on yesterday’s program.

The triumphant return of CB Walker, the world’s foremost psychic energy reader.

I guess we did that on the regular episode of DV, right?

Not the sideshow exclusive one.

I almost had an incident yesterday at the gym listening to that segment when he said when he found out a person was calling from Australia and he said, why the fuck does a color ID say Texas?

I lost it.

Thankfully, I was only doing pull-ups and I just fell off the bar and landed on my feet.

Thank God I wasn’t trying to do squats or something with 250 pounds on my back.

But anyway, I’m glad he’s back.

And one other thing real quick, I want to say thank you to everybody who donated to the charity, the Tap Cancer Out.

They passed their goal for the Austin tournament.

So thank you everyone who donated.

Thank you, Tim.

And thank you to the freak in the Discord who made a rather large donation at the last minute.

So thank you very much to everybody that threw some money at that.

Really appreciate it.

Cheers, Tim.

Well, thank you very much.

Good job.

And thank you from Austin doing some good for charity there, which is odd for a distorted V listener.

Hey Timmy, hi.

I don’t know how I feel about that.

A DV listener being a good person.

It’s a very foreign feeling.

Hey Timmy, hi.

I recently listened to your voicemail responses on the show and it made me laugh and have so much serotonin and joy with you calling me bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch.

I’m not going to lie.

I fully expect you to pull up the Tritz guy.

Bitch, I love you.

When you said you love me back, it was just, it was great.

Thank you for the joy.

And I know that you like pop tarts a whole bunch.

Do I?

You’re as enthusiastic about it as your soda almost maybe?

No, I’m not that into pop tarts.

I went through a short pop tart phase.

You know, when I was a kid, I liked the, uh, the chocolate pop tarts and I also liked the vanilla cream pop tarts, which is, which is not the same thing as the Oreo or the cookie and cream, uh, pop tarts that they have now.

But nearly as good.

It was different.

It was, I think it was just called vanilla cream.

I don’t eat pop tarts that much, but you know, like when I want a, you know, a sugary sweet treat either for breakfast or a late night snack, I will just unwrap some pop tarts.

Right now we have strawberry and brown sugar, which aren’t bad.

I’m finding in my old age, I’m preferring like the, uh, the fruity flavors as opposed to like some of the other ones, like the, like they have s’mores flavored, uh, pop tarts, which I did not care for.

Plus, you know, if I eat the, the, the fruit ones, I kind of feel like I’m eating healthy, you know, it’s fruit, but they have a new banana bread flavor out.

And I don’t know if you’ve had it or not, but I’m really picky about my banana flavors and I thought it was phenomenal.

Super, super good.

I would try to sit even, you should definitely give it a shot.

I hope you’re having a good rest of the week and a happy hump day motherfucker.

All right.

Thank you very much for all of the voicemails guys.

Keep them coming.

Especially if it’s about drama in the discord, really looking forward to getting that going.

Uh, that is all the time we have on this edition of the show.

Want you guys to email me show at distorted view.

com distorted view.

com is our official website voicemail line for you.