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Teenage Mutant Skateboarding Fish

October 27, 202372 min read

On Today’s Show:

00:00:00:00.00 Introduction
00:02:28:14.46 Straight Felon Squeamish About Bloodborne Disease
00:12:52:09.35 Ex-Con Getting A Vibrator In The Butt From Trans Lady Friend
00:13:44:21.47 Felon Gets Nailed By A Dude
00:14:31:11.12 Squirt Stream Ends With Upset Cam Model
00:17:59:01.45 Asian Cam Whore Uses Racist Language On Herself
00:19:29:01.73 Walking In On Your Mom Banging Your Boyfriend
00:22:22:01.73 The Untold Pitfall Of Having Young Parents / My Old Ass Parents Sex Habits
00:26:01:20.05 The Slap Heard Throughout The Wendy’s Restaurant
00:31:36:13.29 Changes Are Coming To Distorted View Daily / The Sideshow
00:35:00:21.12 Taco Bell Fast Food And Salon 
00:38:07:17.45 Teenage Mutant Skateboarding Fish
00:41:34:06.67 Finding A Nice, Affordable Whore For Your Pony
00:45:02:08.00Voicemails: 206-666-4463 / Ending

Important Show Stuff:

Call In To The Voicemail Line: 206-666-4463

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Transcript of Today’s Show – (AI Generated – May Not Be Accurate)

Hey freaks, it’s Friday, October 27th, 2023.

Coming up on the program today, a small dick felon passes out thanks to his AIDS phobia.

Plus hiring a prostitute for your horse, walking in on your mom, fucking your boyfriend, and a skateboarding fish gets filleted by a machete.

All coming up today.

Distorted View Daily proudly presents Poncho the Singing Barret.

His name was Bobby.

He was a swinger.

He was looking for a bird.

And then somewhere he heard about Lolita, nobody sweeter.

He went to meet her in the park after dark.

Hello.

Hi.

Hi.

He said, what’s your name?

Then she asked him to sing.

Robert.

He said, ooh, I like your style.

Come on and fly with me for a little while.

When it rains, I live, happy and happy forever.

When it’s springtime in the Rockies, in the Rockies far away.

I live, I live forever.

I live, I live forever.

I live, I live forever.

I live, I live forever.

The Distorted View Show with Tim Henson.

Don’t miss the great snatch.

Y’all got to be the pussy police.

Hi, Galeo 2233.

Stop it.

It’s making me angry.

Tim Henson reeks of anus.

I’m so constipated.

Yeah.

I really should have labeled that parrot singing as a test of patience, right?

Sorry about that.

Yes, hey, freaks.

Tim Henson back here with you one more time as we end the week with the Friday show.

I was watching EFUCK’s newest video, another Cam-tastrophe compilation.

It’s a lot of prolapsed asses, accidental anal sex shits, all the stuff I enjoy.

Another banger from EFUCK.

But at the end of the video, there was one clip that I was fascinated by, and it didn’t really include any nudity.

It’s from straightfelon.

com.

Manurefetish.

com.

No, straightfelon.

com.

Maybe it’s manurefetish.

com’s sister site.

I don’t know.

Anyway, straightfelon.

com simply redirects to this guy’s OnlyFans account, and his content is aimed at the gay audience.

Now, he’s not gay himself.

He says he’s straight.

And this is like a lot of gay guy’s fantasy, hooking up with a very straight-acting, almost thug-like guy, lots of tattoos, felon.

This guy has an ankle monitor on.

Like, he’s fresh out of the system.

He’s a real bad boy.

And that’s really the appeal, I think, for gay guys.

He’s a man’s man.

He’s been in jail.

And there’s a bit of, like, danger involved.

Like, maybe in the middle of sex, this straight guy’s going to snap, realize what he’s doing, and then chase you around with a knife or threaten to shoot you in the head if you tell anyone.

I ain’t no fag, man.

I just need my balls drained.

Right?

That’s hot.

It’s a very exciting thing to be hooking up with an ex-con.

Right?

Like, one day, he might fly into the room and be like, we got to go.

We got to go.

Grab your stuff.

Throw it in the car.

We’re driving down to Mexico.

And you’re like, what the hell’s happening?

Screeching like the little careless fairy you are.

Oh!

I just cleaned out a K’s jeweler.

We got 50 grand.

Go, go, go.

Oh!

Oh, OK.

I’m so horny right now.

Grab your makeup bag and lube.

You can suck my dick in the car.

OK, sounds good.

I see the appeal.

Apparently, I’m not the only one, according to his Twitter sheet.

Straight Felon is in the top 1.

6% of all OnlyFans accounts.

Oh, it seems like everyone on OnlyFans is touting how popular they are.

Right, like Will Blunderfield is in the top 3.

7%.

I think what that really means is that the vast majority of people who have set up OnlyFans accounts have no subscribers whatsoever.

It’s like podcasting.

There’s some analytics company that said that Distorted View is in the top 1% or top 0.

5% of podcasts.

Something insane like that.

But there are 2 billion podcasts out there that no one’s listening to.

It’s a skewed number.

I mean, it sounds nice, but I don’t think it honestly means that much.

But OK, I’ll take any win I can get.

And you know what?

These OnlyFans cam whores, they should be doing the same.

Will Blunderfield, good for you.

You’re in the top 3.

7%.

Straight Felon has you beat, though.

Getting back on track, though, the video I wanted to share with you from Straight Felon is actually on his YouTube page because, again, there’s no nudity.

I just found it really interesting.

Take a listen here.

Hi, everybody.

So I’ve been sitting on this footage for a while, debating on if I should release it.

That’s how you know this is going to be good, right?

This is the only type of content I want to see when people are like, I don’t know if the world is ready for this.

Yes, give it to me.

You know, this was so hard to watch.

This is me fainting on camera after discussing bloodborne diseases.

That’s just a phobia I have.

And then I get yelled at by my family pretty bad.

This is dark.

This was hard to watch when I edited it.

Now, you have to understand, I am new to this guy.

I don’t know his whole life story.

I don’t know all of the particulars in his life.

I don’t even know why he was sent to jail.

Someone in the comment alludes to the fact that he was on drugs.

That may be it.

But I have to say, having already watched the faint, the dude collapses and hits his head on the wall.

It makes a lot of noise.

And the father rushes in and is like, what the hell’s going on?

I feel like it’s an appropriate response.

I think this is kind of like what the movie American Beauty was about, like a dark look into what happens behind closed doors of a messed up family.

At one point he wrote, for context, I have fainted four times in my life.

And three of those times were talking or thinking about HIV.

My chat was discussing PrEP, and I had just mentioned my phobia.

I love that this guy is so afraid of getting HIV that the mere thought of it makes him pass out.

Yet he is now in a career where he’s just being fucked by guys all the time.

That’s like being a doctor who’s squeamish around needles or like a trapeze artist who suffers from vertigo.

Like there’s gotta be a better career path for you.

Dude, if it’s 99% effective, why do you have to take a test every month?

Every three months?

Thank you, HS Mike.

Yeah, I’m just reading the chat there.

Yeah, I wanna get on PrEP, just in case I do anything.

This must be before he started getting fucked by dudes or trans women.

He’s very sweaty and wobbly.

That was all it took.

Down he goes.

He wasn’t even really talking about HIV, right?

It was HIV adjacent.

He’s like, yeah, I’m gonna get on PrEP.

For those of you that don’t know, PrEP is like the pill that gay guys take.

It’s a preventative thing, so you can’t get HIV.

So, you know, HIV is part of the equation there.

It’s floating around, but we’re not going into any detail about AIDS, HIV, blood, nothing.

Still, boom goes the dynamite.

Here comes dad.

Oh, not quite yet.

We get a few seconds of snoring.

Yeah, he’s just, he’s sort of coming to.

Here comes dad.

John.

What?

What the fuck did you do?

What?

You just hit the floor.

You fell down.

Now dad sees the cameras on in the chat.

I just passed out.

Oh my God, I just had a panic attack.

John, this shit’s got to stop.

I can’t sit here and say I had a panic attack.

This porn shit is going to stop.

I’m not having it in my house.

So I don’t know, it doesn’t sound as bad as this guy was making it out to be at the beginning.

It sounds like a concerned father.

I mean, let’s look at the facts here.

You’ve been in trouble with the law.

You’ve got an ankle monitor on.

You’re living at home.

That’s a lot for a parent to take in.

Then add on top of it, you’re filming porn at your family’s house.

You can understand why dad’s a little concerned when you fucking pass out.

Dad’s probably like, is this like an autoerotic asphyxiation thing?

Were you strangling yourself trying to achieve orgasm?

Like I can’t deal with this.

You need to get your own place.

I think my parents would react similarly.

I mean, I’m sure it would be a little different.

They couldn’t believe that people would actually pay to see me naked.

You’re making money doing this?

That’s the most unbelievable part for them there.

What are you asking?

I think the father just asked, what are you on?

That’s what he’s concerned with.

Again, you know, the dude’s all sweaty, just passed out, discombobulated.

You know, it kind of does look like drugs.

Now what are you doing that’s fucking you up like this?

Talking about HIV AIDS.

You see dad, my master plan for my porn business here is to get railed by some dudes.

You know, bareback style.

Get cum shot in my anal cavity.

And I’m worried though about disease.

Naturally.

So I’m thinking about getting prep.

That’s what the chat was talking about.

Dad, do you really want to know?

I don’t think you do.

If he told his dad the truth, pops might be like, oh my God, I wish it were drugs.

Why can’t you just be on meth?

John, you’re doing something.

You’re taking something.

You’re fucked up.

John, people don’t just hit the goddamn core like this.

By the way, it very well could be drugs.

Let’s look at the facts here.

The guy is all sweaty before he passes out.

The dad knows nothing of this like condition where his son passes out at the sight or thought of bloodborne diseases.

You’d think that’s something a parent would have been exposed to at some point in the kid’s life, right?

He’s already been in jail, probably for drugs.

And finally, he’s making bizarre choices for his life.

You know what type of straight guy will typically have sex with other men for money?

Drug addicts, looking for a fix.

You can’t be that surprised your dad went there.

This shit stops now.

You understand?

You cannot live here.

I’m serious.

You’re a fucking mess.

What do you want, the porn star?

Really?

There’s a disclaimer in the title of the video, warning, dark, and extremely sad.

But I don’t see it that way.

I see it as like, okay, this father, you know, he’s an older guy.

He doesn’t understand how the world works now with only fans and stuff.

Yeah, anyone could be a porn star.

And it’s not that unusual for a parent not to be super excited that your kid is like jacking off for a paycheck.

How fucked up are you that you don’t realize how sick that is?

John, you need psychiatric help.

Oh, I’ve heard that before from my parents.

Go and get a real job, a regular job.

There’s stuff out there.

I know you can find something.

I’ve heard that too.

Is this my dad?

It’s disgustingly sick.

Who do you think is going to want to be around you?

Gay guys and trans women, duh.

As a matter of fact, here’s a short clip of our straight felon friend getting blown by a trans lady.

By the way, I don’t know if this is neither here nor there, but I’d like to pepper in details here.

The trans lady has a bigger dick than the straight felon.

Still, she seems to enjoy dat cock.

Yes, mommy, please.

Please what?

Please suck my cock, mommy.

Oh, yes.

As if this video needed another dimension added to it, there’s some mommy play going on here.

Oh.

By the way, I feel like we might need to call child protective services on this mommy.

Not only does she suck his dick, she’s like shoving vibrators in his hole.

It’s okay.

Her straight felon son seems to like it.

This all, of course, I guess, was preparing him to take a real cock in his ass from a man.

It’s a little different than a vibrator, huh?

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

I don’t wanna be rude here, but are you sure straightfelon.

com is an accurate description of what’s going on here?

This guy’s ex, formerly Twitter account, is a straight felon.

I don’t know if I mentioned that, but in one of the posts, I guess on September 25th, he takes a completely nude photo, and he says, any love for smaller dicks, gay Twitter?

So it’s not just me calling him a small dick straight felon.

He knows what he’s packing down there.

I guess that’s why he’s the bottom.

I think that’s enough of straight felon.

Let’s turn our attention back to EFUCK’s newest video, Cam-tastrophies.

There’s one or two other clips I wanted to feature.

This one, by the way, is straight.

We’ve got a woman, no more gay shit.

Oh, this is super heterosexual.

We’ve got a woman squirting on cam.

Apparently, she’s very upset, three hours into her squirt goal stream.

Apparently, she’s not getting enough donations or guys wanting to go private.

You know, she’s given away her squirt for everyone to see.

She’s relying on, you know, some guys wanting to go private with her.

That’s how she’s making her money here.

Come on.

I won’t do nothing.

I won’t do nothing.

I wanna cry.

Again, you know, she’s Russian or something.

It’s hard to understand her, but she’s saying, I won’t do nothing.

She’s refusing to perform.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

I squirt and I squirt and I squirt, and still I get no monies.

I’m feeling like a monkey.

I don’t feel like a girl with desertation.

Why you so rude?

Why you cannot be just human?

Cannot be man?

Why you action like a rat?

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

She’s talking about monkeys and rats.

This is what she feels like.

She’s being treated like not a human.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

You forget what you have balls?

So cut your balls and be slat.

This is not how you appeal to your audience and get coins.

Fuck you all.

You’re like putting her clothes on, telling the guys to cut off their balls.

Didn’t quite get the last part.

Become a slut?

Cause you’re actually like a slat.

Like a stupid bitch.

It’s a mistake that you get balls.

Why crying?

Cause I’m tired, I’m tired.

Well, take a break.

Who told you to go on a fucking three hours squirt spree?

I mean, do you know how long it takes guys to masturbate?

Two to five minutes.

They finish and they’re done.

They’re out of your chat.

They ain’t gonna donate anything.

You’re giving too much away for free.

Squirt after squirt after squirt.

It’s a supply and demand issue, I’m thinking.

That’s one way of looking at this.

And less like the squirt goal stream is she won’t squirt for you unless she reaches a certain amount of money and no one is willing to donate because they don’t want to see her squirt.

I need to be squirt.

Show tits, show tits.

That’s show tits.

I’m sorry, show tits.

She pronounces it tia.

Squirt, squirt, show tits.

Fuck your mother.

Mother you fuck.

Spit in your mother face.

Why you spit in my face?

She reminds me of all these foreign women you see on a 90 day fiance.

At first, when you only see them on the phone, like when the guy is here in America FaceTiming his soon to be foreign bride.

Oh, they’re so nice and lovely, quiet and sweet.

And then the second the guy gets over there, fuck you and your mother.

I spit on her whore face.

You need to offer my family jewels if you want to marry me.

It was like, you know, it turns into a nightmare right quick.

And the dessert is fucking spit in my face.

I do go shop support me.

It’s very hard work, very hard work.

Yeah, if you didn’t catch that, she’s saying that she does, you know, she does a good job on stream.

You guys are unappreciative.

She does good work, good work, good work.

On the flip side, we’ve got a nice cam whore here.

This is how we’re going to end.

I urge you all to check out the entire video at efuck.

com so you can see these messes.

Talk about sexy foreign ladies.

We’ve got an Asian woman on cam here.

How do I know she’s Asian?

This chinky bitch is sorry for this small tits.

Cause she refers to herself as a chink bitch.

What’s the second part of that statement?

This chinky bitch is sorry for the small tits.

Oh, she’s apologizing for her small tits.

One day a white man will pay for this chinky bitch to get big and faint tits and big and faint lips.

Okay, I feel like I have to decipher every line here.

She’s saying one day, hopefully, a white man will pay for her to get big tits and big fat lips.

Not sure if she’s referring to her mouth or her pussy.

I’m sensing here that she was fed these lines.

She’s not coming up with this herself.

Then it will be a dumb, ping pong chink and a white man will lap Alice.

She’s Alice.

And if you’re wondering what that phrase was, again, it was chink.

It was ping pong chink this time.

Which I don’t think an Asian woman would call herself that.

That line was written by a white dude.

Well, there you go.

A little something for everyone when it comes to cam whores.

Again, check out EFUCK’s newest video for more.

This was just a small sampling of what’s going on in that video.

All right, let’s move on now.

I’ve got a great freak out video here.

By the way, this is a justifiable freak out.

In the clip, a woman comes home to find that her mother is sleeping with the girl’s boyfriend.

Dun, dun, dun.

You’re all day and this is what you do with my mom?

Is you serious?

I know you’re fucking lying.

And you just sitting there quiet.

You ain’t got shit to say, mom?

Really?

You ain’t got shit to say?

The mother’s very first word is really.

Bitch, how are you going to turn this around and blame your daughter?

Because that’s what it means when you start off with a really.

Really, you don’t know why I’m sleeping with your boyfriend?

Really?

Okay.

Really?

You ain’t got shit to say.

Really, so you just.

No, I don’t want to hear that.

You just put it on Facebook?

Yeah, I’m going to put it on Facebook.

I want everybody to see the two bitches right here.

What they doing in my bed.

My bed.

I’m still your mother.

I don’t care who you are.

Obviously, you don’t care that I’m your daughter.

Yeah, you can’t play the mom card, especially when the guy is still latched onto your titty.

You know?

You over here sleeping with my baby daddy.

That’s my baby daddy.

You don’t clean.

Because I be at work.

I be at work.

You don’t treat your baby.

You don’t treat him right.

What you expect him to do?

You got a whole man.

You talk about I don’t treat you right?

Oh girl, come on now.

And look at you.

You just laying there at bed.

Ain’t got shit to say, right?

Get your about my bed.

Get the hell out of my house.

The question, you know, I always have to ask this is, is it a staged video?

I don’t know.

I don’t want to be racist here, but sometimes when other races are screaming, I can’t tell, right?

My senses aren’t as strong.

You know, my bullshit detector.

You two moms get your shit and get the fuck out.

I don’t ever, you gonna get your, you gonna get your shit up out my bed.

Get the fuck out.

Get out.

You get your shit out.

Call an Uber, call a taxi, call the train, get on the fucking bus.

If they start physically fighting, if she punches her mom in the face, then maybe I’ll believe this.

What you do?

Get your shit up out my bed.

Get out my bed.

No, get your shit up out my bed.

Out my house.

Take your shit.

No, you talking about me treating my man right.

You don’t even, look at what you doing with my man.

The obvious response is, as a mother you ain’t treating your daughter right.

I just, I have a hard time believing any mom would say these things to her daughter.

I mean, are people really this trashy?

It’s take, no way.

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say that after hosting this podcast for almost 20 years.

Take them drawers off, cause them drawers is mine.

Take them socks off, cause I bought that too.

Get your bum out.

I don’t give a fuck.

This is really one of the great tragedies that people don’t think about when considering what happens when you have a baby at a very young age, right?

Like when a 16 year old gives birth, you know, when she’s 18 years old, the mom is still kind of young, right?

Still attractive enough to fuck around with your men potentially.

Now I feel so blessed.

At the time I thought it was a curse, you know, that my parents were so old when they had me.

They were approaching 40 at the time, which I guess isn’t even that old anymore.

There are plenty of people having kids at the age of 40.

My mom, I think was 38 or 39, but still, you know, I can’t imagine walking in and seeing Lord Douche eating my mom out.

Like that’s just, that’s something that wouldn’t happen for a myriad of reasons really.

But number one on that list is because she, you know, she’s elderly.

You know, I’ve talked to my mom about sex here on the podcast.

I’m pretty sure I’ve discussed like the positions that she would get in with my dad.

I can’t believe I did that.

One area I don’t think we ever explored, and I’m like vomit is rising up.

I can feel it in my esophagus right now, is orally speaking.

Like did my mom ever lick my dad’s dick?

You’d think she would.

I mean, blowjobs aren’t that out of the ordinary, but you know, when I talked to my mom, everything just seems so foreign and exotic and weird to her.

You know, I’m like, did dad ever hit you from behind?

And she’s like, what?

We did nice things, you know, and whatever.

But in a blowjob, okay, I could see my dad wanting that.

I don’t know if he ever asked her or like pushed her head down on his dick.

Likewise, I wonder if my dad ever ate my mom out.

I think a blowjob is more likely.

The prime of their marriage, I would think, would be like late 60s, early 70s.

That’s probably when they were most active sexually.

Why am I even talking about this?

Why do I care?

I’m a fucking pervert.

I do it for you guys.

I know you guys are curious.

All right, let’s finish up this clip here.

You know what?

This should have been kept between our four walls.

This ain’t for social media, okay?

No, mom, she continually says the wrong thing.

This should have never happened, let alone it happening between these four walls or being posted on social media.

Everybody’s in my room, in my bed, while I’m at work.

This is what y’all do behind my back?

I will say this, even though the clip is outrageous, it never crosses over into unbelievable territory.

Like basically the video ends with the daughter saying, you know what, you two can have each other, just fucking leave, which is pretty much what I would say, right?

You can have each other.

Go ahead, bye.

Out the door, bye.

What you trying to stay here for?

We done, you done, you finished, you washed up, bye.

Bye, no, leave my phone.

This is mine, I pay for the bill.

Give me my, no, give me my.

She basically wants him to take off all his clothes again because she paid for them.

Paid for the shoes, paid for the phone.

She said she wanted to sleep in here, so I let her sleep in here.

You hear this lying ass, right?

You hear these fucking lies he wanna tell?

Yeah, he was quiet for a lot of this video.

He was really thinking hard how to get out of it.

He’s like, look, your mom just was tired.

She wanted to come in here and take a nap, so I let her.

Yeah, dog, that don’t pass the smell test.

And by that, I mean.

Something’s going on, can I smell your dick?

Yeah, I’m afraid I’m gonna have to sniff that schlong.

The only way we can get to the bottom of this.

Finally, before we get into the news today, I’ve got a short altercation at the Wendy’s where a slap heard round the world took place.

We’ve got a customer upset with their order.

Give me my money.

Guess she wants a refund at this point.

Give me my money, so I can get the schlong out of here.

So get out and I’ll bring you your money.

No, you know what?

I agree with the customer there.

You expect me to leave the restaurant and then get a refund?

No, no, no, no, no.

I will say this about fast food restaurants, what they need to work on.

They want everyone to use the fucking mobile apps.

That’s what they’re pushing people to do, which is fine, which is great.

Inevitably, what happens, whether I’m at Jack in the Box or Taco Bell, and I’m at those two places a lot, you know me, every week, you place the order right on the mobile app, you pay, then you waddle your fat ass to the establishment.

At the drive-thru window, they’re like, all right, what’s your name?

And I’ll say, I’m Tim, I’ve got a mobile order.

And they’ll say, pull up to the window.

And then when you get to the window, they say, oh, we’re out of X.

We’re out of fucking cheesy gorditas or roll-up tacos or whatever the fuck these places are supposed to have.

Yesterday, they were out of buns at Jack in the Box.

I can almost excuse Jack in the Box at this point, because look, there’s only like two locations in all of the greater Cincinnati area.

Supplies trickle in, you know, as corporate wants to give it to them.

Taco Bell baffles me every time, because again, they’ve made a whole business.

Their whole corporate business model is serving up the fucking same six ingredients in different configurations.

Their overhead must be close to nil, right?

Yet still, they’re always out of something.

That is not the problem, though.

The problem is when you order through the goddamn app and they don’t got something when you get to the store, you cannot get a refund.

They will say, look, we can’t give you, since the store itself did not take your money, right, you have to go through the app to get a refund.

And there are no options in the app to get a refund.

So you gotta go to like the Contact Us button.

You guys know how that works, right?

It doesn’t!

You’re basically just like emailing someone, please give me my monies.

Here’s a hot tip for you, what I’ve learned, at least with Taco Bell, I’ve learned a workaround.

You order through the app, which is appealing because, you know, they’ve got the best deals if you’re thrifty and poor like me.

Anyway, you submit your order, you pay.

Now, Taco Bell won’t start making your food until you actually get to the drive-through window and say, I’m here, please give me my shit food.

And then they press a button and the transaction is complete, right?

All right, so the trick is, let’s say you want a Chicken Supreme Chalupa.

That’s what you ordered in the app.

The trick is you go to the drive-through, you don’t tell them you have a mobile order.

You say first, do you guys have Chicken Supreme Chalupas?

You have all the ingredients for this food, correct?

And then they say yes, and then you tell them you have a mobile order.

And the reason is, you can cancel your order as long as it hasn’t been confirmed by the Taco Bell tarts.

So if they say, oh, you know, no, we’re out of Chicken Supreme Chalupa shells or whatever, you say, all right, and you cancel the order in the app, and then you get the refund instantly because nothing’s really been charged yet.

It’s the best we can do with this broken fucking system.

You’re welcome.

There’s a life hack for you, right?

I want it now!

I’m not giving you anything while you’re at it.

I didn’t charge you.

I’ll call the cops on you, man.

I swear to fucking God.

You stupid fucking cunt.

Oh, my God.

Right there, you heard that slap.

That is so loud, right?

Stupid fucking cunt.

Oh, my God.

She turns around, the customer’s like, all right, I’m done, because she knows what’s going to happen.

She slaps the fuck out of the cashier, but you know what?

The cashier remains standing, very stoic.

So then the customer is like, oh God, retaliation is coming.

I’m fleeing, abort, abort.

And sure enough, the employee chases her out.

You stupid fucking cunt.

I like that the slap was so hard, it made the French fry beeper go off.

Oh, shit’s cooking in here.

Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

Now, the customer had parked right in front of the doors, right?

She’s driving a minivan.

So her getaway car was nearby.

The camera, unfortunately, does not follow the action outside.

It kind of looks like the employee grabbed her and made her fall down, but the lady was able to get in her minivan and drive off.

Never did get that refund, though.

I don’t consider that a win.

All right, let’s get into the crazy bizarre twist of the fucked up news right now.

♪♪ A little bit of an announcement here.

Nothing too concerning.

I’m dying!

No, not yet.

Look, I’ve been doing the show for 20-ish years.

Most of those years have been doing it for a living.

You guys have been great and given me an opportunity to do Distorted View every single day for you.

Really living my dream.

Although, you know, look, I’m not rolling in dough.

This is not a Joe Rogan situation.

I’m scraping by like most of us, right?

But it’s worth it, because, you know, I get to do what I love, making fun of the weird, mentally handicapped, and just generally less fortunate.

Quite frankly, it’s ensuring that I go to hell, but while I’m here on Earth, baby, I’m having a ball.

Ting!

That being said, it is time to switch things up just a little bit here.

And the way we’re going to do it is, starting next year, there’s going to be three Sideshow exclusive episodes every week.

Only two will be available for free.

Obviously, I’m hoping that will increase Sideshow memberships a little bit.

Give that a little shot on the arm, a little kick in the ass.

The main issue for this, and this is not like a pity party situation or anything, but I’m sure you all know the reason.

Everything just costs more now.

Everything is super expensive.

But my cost of hosting the show has gone up probably a third.

It’s bonkers.

Thanks, Biden, right?

Yeah, let’s blame him.

Gas, food, podcasts.

He’s ruining everything.

You know, we’re not in a dire situation or anything, but I feel like I need to get ahead of this.

And there’s a couple of ways, you know, to go about it.

I could raise Sideshow membership prices, which I’ve always resisted.

We’ve only had one Sideshow membership increase in the entire time we’ve done this, since 2006.

And that was the price increase from $5 to $6.

99.

The reason why I resist that, as I’ve told you guys, I want as many people as possible to be able to sign up for the Sideshow.

I’d rather have way more paying listeners pay a smaller amount than fewer listeners paying a larger amount of money.

You know, it just makes sense to me.

I don’t know what the smarter business move is, but you know, I’m not great at business.

So that’s kind of the plan.

I mean, obviously maybe in the future, there may be another Sideshow membership increase at some point.

Well, I mean, we’ll see how this all goes.

Nothing’s ever set in stone.

Next year, I’d also like to do more exclusive things for Sideshow members, get back to doing some videos.

You know, we’ll see how it goes and we’ll play around with it.

And hopefully many of you will stick around and many of you will join us for a little ride we got going on here on the Sideshow.

It’s a good time to sign up.

Superfreaksideshow.

com.

Memberships are very inexpensive, only $6.

99 a month, even less when you offer a quarterly, semi-annual, yearly, or lifetime membership.

Don’t forget, of course, you can sign up on the website, get access to that personalized RSS feed that you can plug into most podcasting apps.

Or if you happen to use Apple Podcasts or Spotify to listen to DV, you can sign up for Sideshow access right in those apps, which is very cool because the Sideshow exclusive episodes will appear right alongside your normal episodes on the feed.

For more information, check out distortedview.

com and superfreaksideshow.

com.

And finally, we do have that Patreon account if you want to help out DV that way, you can pledge as little as a dollar over there.

Every little bit helps.

Thank you guys so much for almost 20 years of pure Tom fuckery.

Yeah, next December, not this December, but next December will be our 20th anniversary.

Very excited about that.

All right, three very quick stories now.

First up, hey, speaking of gross things happening at Taco Bell, we got a story from Kokomo, Indiana.

I hope it’s pronounced Kokomo.

Sometimes I’ll get emails when I pronounce these city names and they’re like, hey, Tim, you idiot.

It’s not pronounced Kokomo, it’s Kokomo or Kakuma.

It’s like, well, it’s spelled Kokomo and that’s just a fun way of pronouncing it.

So I’m going to go with Kokomo.

The Howard County Health Department is investigating a Taco Bell in Kokomo after a photo has gone viral of a manager giving a haircut near the food line.

So that’s what the shredded cheese is.

I always thought it tasted a little waxy like pomade.

Jen Lagier, the worker who took the photo, said she saw a shift manager giving a haircut to the general manager during the lunch rush.

Isn’t that just like managers of fast food places?

They don’t want to help out on the line when it’s fucking busy as shit.

They’re off playing with each other’s hair.

Take a look at the chapter artwork.

You can see a screenshot from the video Jen took there.

I noticed that two of them pulled out cutting shears.

Like they brought their haircutting gear with them to Taco Bell and they were putting on a trash bag.

And I was like, that’s interesting.

Then they sit down and start cutting hair in the back, Lagier said.

Lagier sent the photo to some of her friends and when it was posted on social media, her managers promptly fired her ass.

Again, I understand being upset because someone took a picture of you or video, but Jen’s probably the last person you want to fire.

Sounds like she wants to do her job, what she was hired to do.

Other people are just playing hair salon in the Taco Bell.

Now the stylist and her client are going to have to sling tacos.

Get off their ass while her hair sets, I guess.

I don’t know.

All right, quote, she told me I could take my, I don’t care and leave.

So that’s what I did.

That’s what Jen said.

I guess Jen maybe said that she didn’t care if they fired her.

Cause again, you know, it’s fast food.

It’s like, I’ll just get a job across the street at Arby’s or Burger King or McDonald’s or any of the other 15 fast food establishments in the three mile radius here.

All right, after the photo got a reaction from hundreds of people on social media, a complaint was sent to the Howard County Health Department.

The department said an inspector visited the restaurant Friday morning.

Laguerre said this isn’t the first time there was a health code violation at this particular Taco Bell.

And this photo has allowed some of her coworkers to speak up about what happens behind the register.

Any like soggy waffle incidents happening?

Asking for a friend.

I’ve had a few coworkers come out and say, I appreciate you being our voice because we don’t feel like we have one.

So thank you.

Laguerre said, even if you don’t feel you’ve been treated properly, now maybe something will be done.

Apparently the investigation into this sitch is still going on and the managers at Taco Bell have 10 days to respond to the report before it’s made public.

So we might have an update for you.

All right, second story we have for you today.

We’ve got a story that’s gonna make you say, well, that’s peculiar.

That’s peculiar.

No wonder I’m progressing in your homework so far.

That’s peculiar.

I’m a music professor at MSNC.

The future of my students rests upon me.

The person who wrote and performed this song is a music professor.

These are the people who are teaching us.

That’s peculiar.

I’m a music professor at MSNC.

The future of my students rests upon me.

Isn’t there a famous saying that goes like, those who can’t teach, I think that’s applicable here.

Anyway, we’ve got a peculiar story here where I guess every news story here on TV is peculiar, but I just wanted to play that song.

A man accused of attacking a skateboarder with a machete.

That’s peculiar.

No, hey, now that’s not the peculiar part.

It gets stranger.

He attacked a skateboarder with a machete because quote, he allegedly thought the skateboarder was a fish.

Okay, now you can say it.

That’s peculiar.

Ryan Neil Davis.

Thank you, by the way.

Ryan Neil Davis, 23, was booked into the Salt Lake County Jail early Wednesday for investigation of aggravated assault.

According to a police booking affidavit, a man had been skateboarding on the sidewalk near 300 South Main Street just before 1 a.

m.

on Wednesday.

As the man passed Davis, Davis produced a large machete and swung it at the victim, striking him on the left forearm, causing a half-inch laceration that will require stitches.

The affidavit states, when questioned about the assault, Davis allegedly stated that he was attempting to cause the victim harm because he thought the victim was a fish.

I hope the cops probed a bit further.

Like, why is a fish skateboarding?

Why is a fish on land, not on water?

What made you think this guy was a fish?

Just so many questions.

I guess you might say this man was- I’m madder than fish grease.

Madder than fish grease, absolutely.

By the way, I have looked to see if that is an expression, and it is most certainly not.

If you do a Google search, right, if you put madder than fish grease in quotes, the only thing you will find is references to this news story where it comes from.

The woman went to a White Castle on her motorized scooter or something and they wouldn’t serve her.

That’s why she was madder than fish grease.

Anyway, back to the story at hand here.

Of course the cops don’t do their job properly and dig a little deeper, nor does the news.

The attack, I want to know more about the fish thing.

The attack comes less than two months after Davis was convicted of three counts of attempted aggravated assault in third district court.

Did he think those people were fish too?

In that case, he approached three fast food employees and threatened them with a knife while demanding food.

Fish fillets.

He was given credit for 42 days.

He had already served in jail and was placed on two year probation.

Davis is also facing a charge in Salt Lake City Justice Court after allegedly making a threat of violence at a Salt Lake City gas station.

A warrant was issued for his arrest on October 6th in that case, and he failed to show up to a court hearing.

So this guy is in all sorts of trouble.

Speaking of which, that leads in nicely to our final news story where another person is in big trouble.

I always get a kick when I see a totally new type of news story.

Again, been at this show almost 20 years.

I’ve read a lot of news stories.

It’s always fun when one catches me off guard because I think I’ve seen and heard it all, right?

Well, we’ve got a man here who has been accused of trying to hire a prostitute.

Again, not so peculiar, but guys, the prostitute wasn’t for himself.

He was trying to hire a human whore for his horse.

That’s peculiar.

A Longview man over there in Idaho is accused of attempting to hire a prostitute for himself and his miniature horse.

Okay, so it was for him.

This is like the most bizarre cuck scenario I’ve ever heard of.

Yeah, I want my horse to fuck you, and I’m gonna watch.

Jade K.

Shipman, 48, of Longview was arrested on October 17th and released on $1,000 bail.

That’s it?

There’s like bestiality and prostitution involved in this one crime.

Only a thousand bucks, all right.

Yes, he’s awaiting his initial arraignment hearing scheduled for next Thursday.

He was booked into the Cowlitz County Jail on one count of first degree attempted animal cruelty and one count of patronizing a prostitute.

According to the probable cause statement, a vice unit detective from the Bellevue Police Department contacted the Cowlitz County Sheriff’s Office on August 15th to report that a user, later identified as Shipman, was communicating with a person on a forum-based website where users can solicit prostitutes.

Shipman allegedly offered to pay $440, which I don’t think is a lot for a prostitute.

When she has to like be with two people at once and one of the people is actually a horse, you’re gonna have to add a zero to that number before we’ll even talk.

That’s just me personally speaking.

Like if you wanna hire me, Tim Henson, to come fuck or be fucked by a horse, we’re talking no less than four grand, thank you.

I respect myself.

I know my self-worth.

All right, Shipman allegedly offered to pay $440 to a person to travel to Longview to touch him and his miniature horse sexually.

According to the report, Shipman told the potential prostitute he was having a difficult time finding a willing participant, no, to join him, as the last two gals I asked said it was noticeably outside of their comfort zone.

Wow, they’re really treating him with kid gloves.

They let him down easy.

You know what?

Thank you for the offer.

I appreciate you thinking of me, but this is kind of outside of my comfort zone.

It’s giving me a bit of the ick.

Whereas most people would be like, are you fucking crazy?

You sick, disgusting pervert, and then punch him in the face.

On October 13th, a deputy arrived at Shipman’s residence and saw two miniature horses on his property.

A resident told the deputy, Shipman was a partial owner of the animal, but just the backsides of the animal.

He literally only owns half of the animals.

Four days later, Shipman sat down for an interview with deputies, who reportedly told them, after being read his Miranda rights, that he did offer a person cash for sexual purposes.

He admitted during the interview that he had prior sex contact with the animals.

Okay, just keep admitting to further crimes.

You moron.

Why would you say that?

Don’t offer up additional information like that.

It’s gonna incriminate yourself.

This guy obviously was not a distorted view listener.

That’s the first thing I teach you.

All right, while out on bail, the suspect is prohibited from being around animals.

Well, we’ll see if he can follow that simple rule.

That, my friends, is your distorted news for Friday.

Let’s do a couple of voicemails and get the hell out.

Yeah.

Sorry I’m posting the show a little bit late.

It was kind of unexpected.

You know, it’s funny though.

I guess I could have posted a best of show, but sometimes people get upset when I post best of shows on Friday.

I don’t, I just can’t win.

They get angry because I post a best of show.

They don’t want to hear the old crap, even though like a new episode is still on its way.

And then when I don’t post an old show, I get people upset too.

So, you know, I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

Where’s the sad violin music?

Do you understand how hard it is to be me?

Whoa is Timmy Boo.

Spiral ham fucker.

And my origins are known.

I am spiral ham fucker.

I’m an LA gang son.

Hey Boo, whatever happened to that guy, huh?

I was like, you know, I just, you know, I don’t know about you guys.

You go both devil.

Well, he was one.

All right.

Thank you very much.

I don’t know what happened to spiral ham fucker.

He may still be listening.

I know he, last time he called, maybe he said he was, he’s been listening, but he doesn’t call in.

Or, you know, sometimes people, when they stop listening to the show, they don’t, they don’t say goodbye, which I, you know, I kind of appreciate and kind of don’t.

I don’t like to hear that people are no longer listening, but also you kind of wonder what happened to them, right?

Timmy Boo, what it do?

It’s Jimmy Boo.

Long time.

And there’s people like Jimmy Boo, who you want to go away.

Same side show freak.

Stop listening.

I was just listening to today’s show, 731.

Yeah.

Playing some regular voicemails here.

We’re in what, July?

Right at the beginning, you’re talking about going on the cob in your teeth.

Oh God.

Is that where we’re at now?

When I was having my tooth issue, where I thought I was missing part of my tooth?

Jack hammering a piece of your tooth off with a fucking toothpick.

Yeah.

You’re kind of retarded, dude.

It’s called floss.

Tooth a piece of- Well, you don’t think I try to use floss too?

Floss.

Well, yeah.

Go to CVS.

Not, okay.

Yeah.

Or- Well, of course.

By the way, when I went to the dentist, she said my teeth look pretty good.

So, you know, it’s not like I don’t take care of my teeth.

Like I don’t brush and stuff.

Love you, Timmy Boo.

Love you, Timmy.

Isn’t it funny the difference between the type of calls I get on the Patreon line and the regular free line?

You give people free reign, right?

To just call.

You get shit like this.

Maybe Elon Musk is right in charging everyone a dollar to use Twitter, you know?

One more time.

Hey, speaking of long-time listeners, Puerto Rican Fat Man still listening.

I’m calling to tell you I love you.

Love you too, boo.

I am here with boy Pussy Jones.

Now that’s a long-term relationship.

You’ve been with boy Pussy Jones pretty much the entire time you’ve been listening, as far as I remember, right?

Say hi, boy Pussy Jones.

Hi.

How long have you two been together?

Call back in.

Timmy, we are- I’ll play your call in seven months.

.

.

.

calling because boy Pussy Jones and I are extremely mad that an imposter called and pretended he was me and boy Pussy Jones.

He did a horrible impersonation.

I hate him.

I hate him.

And I am putting him on notice.

I should have known because when you call, it literally says you’re calling from Puerto Rico.

It’s me, boy Pussy Jones, and my adopted black baby.

We are going to kick your ass, okay?

We are the originals.

Boy Pussy Jones, tell your love to Timmy Boo.

I love you.

Stop meowing.

I love you, Timmy Boo.

Puerto Rican Fat Man and boy Pussy Jones, did you enjoy Bad Bunny on SNL recently?

Bad Bunny’s Puerto Rican.

I’m trying to find some common ground here with Puerto Rican Fat Man.

It was a little too Hispanic for my liking, but, you know, good episode.

Sure, why not?

Thank you very much for the call.

Keep them coming, freaks.

It’s all the time we have on this edition of the show.

Want you guys to email me?

Show at distortedview.com.

Distortedview.com is our official website.

Voicemail line for you, 206-666-4463.

That’s 206-66, oh God, it’s in, oh God.

Please suck my cock, mommy.

Spread the distortion STD to all your friends about the show.

Don’t forget to give us a five-star rating, a thumbs up or like wherever you can rate and review podcasts.

Guys, thank you so much for a great fun week of shows.

I’ll be back on Monday to do it all over again.

Until then, bye, everybody.

♪ Bye, have a great Friday, you motherfucker.

Maria Athens, signing off.

♪ This has been another excellent podcast from the Scrod Media Group.

Learn more at scrod.net.

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October 15, 2010By Tim

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