On Today’s Show:
| 00:00:00 | Introduction |
| 01:58:08 | Blood Diamonds – Coming Soon To The DV Store |
| 05:36:14 | Holiday Sideshow Deals! |
| 08:18:14 | A Youtube Princess Is Shitting On The Face Of Men |
| 13:55:21 | Miserable Disabled Elderly Man Gets Kicked Out Of Housing |
| 20:08:03 | Another Schizophrenic Youtuber Starts A Church In Their House |
| 25:00:06 | Steve Dawson’s Fake Voice Doesn’t Fool Camwhore |
| 30:20:03 | Support Distorted View! |
| 31:24:23 | Plans For A Big Human / Dog Orgy Hits A Snag |
| 37:43:08 | Chinese Genius Prodigy Just Wants To Veg Out, Man |
| 42:29:13 | Satanic Display In Iowa State House |
| 49:01:21 | Voicemails: 206-666-4463 / Ending |
Links / Images:
Important Show Stuff
- Call In To The Voicemail Line: 206-666-4463
- Support Distorted View – Check out our Patreon page
- Get Exclusive Episodes Every Week – Become A Member Of The Distorted View Sideshow!
AI Transcript
Hey freaks!
It’s Monday, December 11th, 2023.
Coming up on the program today, singing Christmas carols with Satan.
Plus, which bald female Canadian Utahrt is shitting on dudes’ faces.
I warn you again to never attend a church that’s located in someone’s apartment.
And plans to organize a bestiality dog orgy are thwarted.
Wake up everyone!
It’s Christmas!
[Christmas carols] Christmas is the greatest time of year.
But to enjoy it most, we need to get out of bed.
It only comes ’round once a year.
There is snow outside with some reindeer.
Go to the window and then you will see.
Santa’s coming down the chimney.
Putting some presents underneath the tree.
And everybody knows it’s Christmas.
It’s Christmas.
It’s Christmas!
It’s the Distorted View Show with Tim Henson.
What up, faggot?
She is a fat cunt.
It’s just a fun thing.
I’m gonna lose my mind today.
I’m a sucker for other people’s pain.
I’m a mommy!
I’m a mommy!
Yeah!
Yes, Tim Henson back here with you to kick off a new week.
Programs have a great one for you today.
Real quick, just a little housekeeping.
The Distorted View store has been open for several weeks now.
And my partners are telling me this is the week that is the cutoff point.
Your items will be received before Christmas.
There are never really guarantees because, you know, the post office might fuck something up.
They might get backed up.
Might be ordering from a different country.
The product might have to be shipped from a different country.
You know how I love to use my underage Chinese slave labor.
With every product you order from the Distorted View store, sleep well at night because you’ve got blood on your hands.
And blood is nice and warm.
Coats your fingers like a glove.
And that’s what you want on a cold, chilly winter night.
I can’t wait until next year when Distorted View gets into the dirty diamond business.
Get your DV-branded blood diamonds.
That’s how they’re advertised.
Distorted View Daily will be the only jeweler that embraces the idea of blood diamonds.
Hey, if you find out your Distorted View diamond has not funded a genocidal war, you get your money back.
That’s a Tim Henson promise.
Ding!
By and large, if you order by, like, December 12th or 13th, by the way, I’m talking about real Distorted View merchandise now, not my fictitious blood diamond operation.
If you order by, like, December 12th or 13th, chances are you’ll get your item by Christmas.
But just to help sweeten the pot and get you to click the checkout button, right now we’ve got a 20% off promo code.
As long as you spend at least $20 in the Distorted View store, apply promo code “GENOCIDE.
” No, let’s not do genocide.
I mean, I love that idea as a coupon code, but you guys are not going to know how to spell it.
I know the median IQ of the Distorted View listener.
So let’s go with “CAT.
” C–I still have to spell it out.
There’s some of you that are going for the “K” button right now.
“CAT.
” C-A-T.
Use promo code “CAT” and get 20% off.
I’m serious, by the way, even though I’m laughing.
I’m laughing at you.
But yes, go to the Distorted View store.
Lots of DV merchandise, new T-shirts, we’ve got hoodies, sweatshirts, drinkware, you know the whole drill.
By the way, getting off topic for just a second, has any enterprising young psychopath ever thought to start an energy drink or juice and name it “GenoCider”?
Is that an original idea, or have a bunch of people thought of that in the past?
Because that’s a DV brand right there.
It kind of reminds me many years ago when a lot of people, believe it or not, wanted to see the return of Crystal Pepsi, and this small soda company came up with the idea of “Not C-Cola” and went with a Nazi theme for their clear soda.
I have a bottle of it.
First of all, it tasted a lot like Crystal Pepsi.
They did a good job.
Sales were hindered by the name, though, and I think that would be the main problem if I launched GenoCider.
And honestly, the Distorted View blood diamonds, also.
Gonna see some resistance from consumers.
What a businessman I am.
I’m starting 2024 off by selling cider and diamonds.
They don’t really complement one another, but I’m well on my way to becoming one of those huge conglomerates.
Podcasting, apple juice, somewhat rare jewels.
Those are the first three sectors Scrawed Industries will be focused on.
All right, I’m sorry.
Keep getting off topic here.
The other piece of housekeeping I wanted to mention, of course, is that next month Distorted View is going in kind of a new direction.
Well, it’s the same direction, but with fewer free episodes.
Yes, starting in January, every week, Sideshow Freaks will get, on average, three Sideshow exclusive episodes.
That means the other two episodes every week will be the free ones.
I haven’t decided what days are going to be Sideshow exclusive and which days are going to be free.
If anyone has suggestions, I’m all ears.
The reason is obvious.
I mean, you know, everything costs more.
Inflation is a real bitch, and I’m resisting with every fiber of my being raising Sideshow membership prices because I want it as low as possible and as many people to sign up.
So I’m hoping the idea of getting three Sideshow exclusive episodes every week will encourage some additional freeside listeners to become Sideshow members.
I’ll get a little extra money, which will make up for Bidinomics.
Thanks, Demoncrats.
You know, whatever the hell.
I don’t understand politics.
I don’t know who’s to blame for everything costing so goddamn much.
You know I don’t like to get political, but I’m going to go ahead and blame this all on Washington Misick, the premier of the Turks and Caicos Islands.
He’s behind all of our problems.
Let’s get him!
Am I calling for the assassination of Washington Misick?
Yes.
Do I know for a fact he is behind all of the world’s inflation?
No.
Do facts matter to me?
No.
I just really hate the name Turks and Caicos.
Turks is okay.
I don’t like Caicos.
It sounds a lot like caca.
Bomb the whole fucking island.
Islands.
Is Turk one island and Caicos another?
This is the shit I don’t want to have to deal with.
Nuke ’em!
Nuke ’em all!
This is going to be the new Belize, by the way.
When I badmouth Belize, oh my god, I was getting novelty Belize license plates, souvenirs.
I have some of it on display in the back there.
But yeah, I fully expect some Turks and Caicos souvenirs to be coming in real soon.
All right, listen, once again, I’m getting off topic here.
Many of you freaks missed out on our Black Friday/Cyber Monday sideshow membership deals.
I want as many people to sign up so you’re all ready to go on January 1st.
So we’re going to do a holiday sideshow deal.
Monthly membership $6, yearly $60, and lifetime memberships are back in play.
Act quick because obviously these deals do not last long.
Just go to superfreaksideshow.
com.
Sign up right now!
How about this to sweeten the pot?
If I ever do start selling blood diamonds, I will give you sideshow members a real sweet discount.
Another Tim Henson promise.
All right, listen, enough of this.
We’ve got plenty of audio to get into.
First up, there was a freak not too long ago asking about Sagittarius.
Shouty!
They wanted an update.
I’m sad to report Sag has not been up to any ratchet shit lately.
For those of you that don’t know, Sagittarius, my princess, she’s a very big girl.
And she was always fucking around with her appearance.
You know, like getting face tattoos, getting lip plumpers and fillers.
And what’s funny is, you know, she’s a very large girl.
So in order to make her lips look big, she had to go really, really large.
Ends up looking like a Muppet, right?
Anyway, she would film herself as she goes on dates with guys.
They wouldn’t necessarily know it.
Also, a lot of these guys were like matches on Tinder and Bumble and stuff.
And you know how it is on those apps.
You pick out the best photo of yourself.
One that is not an actual representation of what you look like in the real world.
So there are a bunch of videos of guys pulling up to pick up Sagittarius.
Or her going over to their house and them being like, “Whoa!
I forgot.
I’ve got somewhere I need to be.
” I remember one time she got in a car with a guy and he literally said, “I can’t do this.
” And dropped her off at the stop sign near her house.
She infamously got pink eye from a gangbang or some group sex situation.
We did a video on that.
There are pictures on the internet.
I’ll try to make it today’s featured image.
How about that?
Sure I have that saved in my archives.
In her most recent video, which I will link to because there’s not a lot of great audio.
She just shaves her head.
Okay?
I’m guessing it’s because she wears maybe like a lot of wigs or something.
The only thing I can think of.
I don’t know if that’s something ladies do often.
Shave their heads for wigs.
But that’s what Shaori’s been up to.
I do have some audio from her though.
Recently, Channel 5 interviewed Shaori.
You guys know Andrew, what is it, Callahan?
It used to be he had a channel called All Gas No Breaks.
He would just go to weird events, interview people.
It’s great because he has no agenda.
He literally just sticks a microphone in a weird looking person’s face and says, “Hey, what’s up?
” And that’s exactly what he did here with Sagittarius Shaori.
And she did not disappoint.
Sagittarius Shaori and I’m known for being a battery ting.
I can’t quite tell what she’s saying.
I think it’s Backstreet King.
Is that like a gutter bitch?
I guess Backstreet King sounds better.
And I’m known for being a battery ting.
What’s that mean?
Guys will pay me to poo on their chest.
How many clients do you have?
I have like three regulars.
How much per turd?
First of all, great question, Andrew.
That’s exactly what I would have focused on.
I’d say like a 200.
I know what you guys are saying.
Damn, she’s a liar.
There’s no way guys are paying her $200 per turd.
But you have to think about the volume, the quantity.
She’s a big girl.
These guys are probably getting a good value.
The obvious way to go is to hire a young, thin, pretty girl to poop on you.
But they ain’t eating anything.
You’re going to spend $200 for a couple of rabbit pellets.
You’re going to get your money’s worth with Sagittarius.
You’re going to fucking push out an entire Chipotle burrito with double meat.
How much per turd?
I’d say like a 200.
Sometimes they make me stay over the weekend.
I shit on them every time I have to go.
When I have the runs.
They like to get shit on when I have the runs.
Like diarrhea.
I’ve been doing this show for so long, I don’t know if I ever interviewed a scat freak on the podcast.
But I’m guessing a large majority of them have a favorite type of bowel movement.
Some probably will only accept sausage-like poop.
You know, like ones they can mash in their teeth.
Diarrhea is a whole other beast.
You got to slurp it up or get a straw or something.
It just seems odd to me that these guys would be like, “Hey, whatever type of poop you got, give it to me.
” I guess I’m just more opinionated than most scat lovers.
Well, I don’t have a problem shitting on people because I went to jail.
So you have to shit in front of people when you’re in a cell.
I went to jail for pepper spraying someone.
Why’d you pepper spray him?
Because she was trying to fight me and I don’t fight because that’s rat shit and I’m like a grown woman.
Sagittarius taking the moral high ground here.
Ten seconds after telling everyone that she shits diarrhea on people.
Would you let someone poo on you?
No.
Why not?
Because that’s gross.
I would let Rick Ross shit in my mouth.
Why?
He’s tatted up, he’s big, like, you know, he’s sexy.
Alright, tatted up fat guys get a pass.
They’re the only ones that can drop a deuce in Sagittarius’s waiting, gaping mouth hole.
All you thin, clean cut guys, you’re gonna have to find yourself another back alley king.
Who else would you let shit in your mouth?
Um, you.
I don’t know if I’d be able to bring myself there mentally.
Thank you for talking to us.
We’ve learned a lot.
We’re happy to be in your country.
Wow, Andrew getting that Canadian warm welcome.
A Canadian warm welcome, by the way, is a sex term.
Unsurprisingly, it’s when a man shits all over a bald woman’s head and then rubs it into her scalp while singing Celine Dion’s “The Power of Love.
” That’s a Canadian warm welcome.
Don’t be stupid!
[screech] Hey, nice to bring bizarre sex terms back for the holidays.
I mean, if you squint, it’s holiday themed.
Canada is up north, it’s always snowing, very cold.
You can connect the dots.
Alright, let’s move on.
Well, our good buddy Norman Wicks is back.
You know, if I’m featuring him on this podcast, things aren’t going well.
They’re never going well for Norman.
In theory, we should feel bad for him.
The dude is like 80 years old and mostly homeless.
Up until a while ago, he was living in a vehicle with his son, who’s also like super old.
I think he’s like 60.
They’re just extremely unpleasant people.
He’s always getting into fights, altercations with the cops.
He has been offered the chance to go live in an assisted living facility.
He doesn’t want to do that.
He’s been kicked out of like group homes and stuff.
He’s always causing trouble.
Now, in this latest installment, I don’t know exactly what’s going on.
It appears they’re living in some sort of like dorm, a small one-room space where they can just, you know, live, just be, right?
Live comfortably at least.
It’s very cold out.
It’s winter.
Well, they’re getting kicked out.
Of course they are because they’re causing trouble.
Everyone in this facility has complained about them.
The police are–and of course they refuse to leave.
So now the police are there to help escort them out.
[inaudible] That’s always their go-to.
They act like complete shitheads.
And then, of course, they play the victim.
Like, “Oh, the cops.
I can’t believe they treat disabled people like this.
” Now, the cops, I don’t think, are in the room right now.
They’re waiting outside as Norman and his son gather their belongings.
Eventually, the cop comes in.
But I don’t know where to begin with all this fucking mess I got here.
I have 15 minutes to put all this shit somewhere.
I’m sure this was not the first time they’ve been asked to leave.
Now is when the cops are involved, though.
So, you know, it’s crunch time.
[inaudible] They weren’t taking it seriously before.
[inaudible] You can hear him slamming doors and drawers and stuff.
I think that’s what got the cops’ attention.
And they were probably like, “Well, we better make sure that they’re not wrecking the place, like destroying it.
” So they walk into the room, and Norman and his son, Norman, both give them a nice welcome.
[inaudible] Immediately turns into pandemonium.
[inaudible] It’s funny.
At one point, older Norman directs the cop to help them carry a bag.
And then five seconds later starts yelling at the cop for touching something.
Shut the fuck up, man.
You fucking evil son of a bitch.
Look at him laughing.
He thinks this is funny.
He thinks this is funny.
[inaudible] You’re insane, bitch.
[inaudible] Oh, fuck off, you fucking creep.
You guys are in the business of being fucking weirdos.
You love being fucking weirdos.
Why aren’t you putting the stuff on the car?
We don’t have to.
It’s like, they’re there to make sure that you leave.
They’re not your staff.
You know what I mean?
By the way, these cops have probably dealt with Norman and his son countless times.
It’s one of the reasons why they don’t care, and they’re not even pretending to be pleasant.
Then why don’t you let us do it, you fucking weirdo?
Fuck yeah, fuck off.
You like fucking with old men, huh?
I’m still feeling this.
It’s so weird to say this about someone who is old and disabled, because in a lot of ways they are victims.
But when you listen to them talk when the cops aren’t around and they’re just ranting and raving, especially the older Norman, he likes to talk about personal responsibility and how he hates the government and government handouts and how evil social programs are for raising everyone’s taxes.
Meanwhile, obviously, Norman relies on government handouts.
Where do you think they’re living currently?
They ain’t paying for shit.
All that medication that Norman needs, he’s not paying for it.
You like fucking with old men, don’t you, motherfucker?
You’re being abusive, don’t you?
That’s not mine.
I’ll have to pay for that.
Quit taking stuff out.
You’re abusive.
You’re a fucking abusive motherfucker.
What did the cop do exactly?
He picked up a book bag?
Probably just trying to help you speed along this process.
We don’t need your fucking opinion about anything, bitch.
Motherfucker.
Throwing shit.
Surprising how much crap the homeless have.
Quit picking shit up.
Look at this bitch.
What is she doing?
I know she took your fucking backpack with your medication in it.
Give me the backpack back.
It’s got medication in it.
Give it back.
No, it goes on my dad’s back.
My dad’s chair.
You know, older Norman is just like gruff and “Ah, fuck you!
” angry.
The younger Norman, I think I have a bigger problem with just because he’s so whiny.
“That’s my dad’s!
It goes on the back of his wheelchair!
” It’s like, “Goddamn, dude.
” I just did it.
The kind who are giving you guys more than you deserve right now.
Oh, fuck you, you fucking prick.
You’re just a fucking prick cop, that’s all.
You’re a prick.
I don’t treat nobody like that.
They treated me that way.
You lying motherfucker.
Everyone in there is a liar and you’re the only honest person here.
You know what?
Everyone here wants you gone.
You gotta take accountability for what you did.
What did I do?
Unfortunately, the video cuts out not too long after this moment.
Probably because they’re using assurance wireless or whatever the federal lifeline assistance program is.
It’s not really conducive to live streaming.
But there you go, a little Norman Wicks update.
He’s back on the streets, baby.
Elsewhere in the Tardosphere, yes, Shane Lee has been very active on YouTube recently.
I think it’s because he’s horny.
When he’s horny, he posts more, he gets chatty, confesses to potentially illegal activity.
We know many, many years ago, of course, Shane Lee got into some trouble for allegedly doing something with a little girl.
You would think when those accusations are just out there in the ether, even if it did take place 20, 30 years ago, from that point on, you would be extremely careful with how you talk about potential mates.
You’d make it very clear.
I’m looking for someone age appropriate for me.
I don’t want to leave anything up to the imagination here.
All right, so here Shane Lee is, I guess, trying to find a woman, although his sales pitch is not going to attract many, I fear.
Now, ladies, some of us men, we’re not rich.
Okay, he doesn’t have money, not rich.
We don’t have no money to get to you.
He can’t even meet you somewhere.
You really have to do all the work.
I love his definition of rich.
If you have your own transportation, you’re part of the elite.
Hoity-toity, due to past litigation, I can’t even get a metro transit card.
I have no money to get to you.
We need you to get to us.
That’s why I put my address out, but I’m also a business, right?
I’m running a church for my apartment.
I’m trying to find my wife.
This might be the scariest fucking shit that has ever come out of Shane Lee’s mouth.
First of all, let’s give props where props are due.
At least he’s acknowledging that churches are businesses.
That’s right.
I went there.
I did it.
Come at me, religious institutions.
I’ve got the power of Satan on my side.
Blah, blah, blah, devil.
Blah, blah, blah.
The scary part, though, is, of course, the fact he’s got a church that he’s running out of his apartment, which means there’s at least a few corpses under the subfloor.
I’m guessing they’re young girls.
There has never been a church run out of an apartment that has ended well.
May I direct your attention to the episodes of DV where we interviewed John Bulla?
May he rest in peace.
Is that an appropriate thing to say when talking about a schizophrenic pedophile?
Anyway, I’m sorry.
Go on, Shane.
That’s why I put my address out, but I’m also a business, right?
I’m running a church for my apartment.
I’m trying to find my wife or girlfriend who’s not afraid to be with me.
Again, interesting way to put yourself out there.
I’m just looking for a woman who’s not afraid of me.
That is going to eliminate so many potential women from contacting you.
Just the idea that there’s a reason why they would be afraid.
Women are skittish like that.
Even before we get married, the Bible says you can do that if you’re old enough.
See, now, I did not know this, and this is a good reason why I might want to attend Shane Lee’s church.
He’s a pastor with new information.
Apparently, if you’re over the age of 30 or something, you can just fuck all you want.
It’s in the Bible, according to Shane.
According to Shane’s interpretation of the Bible.
Even before we get married, the Bible says you can do that if you’re old enough.
Now, you got to be 16 and older in Georgia to be with me.
This goes back to what I was saying earlier.
Shane Lee got into some trouble with a toddler or something.
Now, he’s making it clear that 16-year-olds are an option.
Now, okay, apparently in Georgia, that’s legal, but it doesn’t change the fact that Shane Lee is like 45 years old.
That is a widespread there in age.
It’s creepy.
But these are the rules.
We also got to play by the rules the best we can.
You don’t want to slip up again.
I’m trying to tell these idiots that.
I don’t know your age, though.
Don’t show up and nod at me because I won’t know your real age.
You can’t do that either.
That’s what I’m trying to say.
My address is 40 numbers on the scoreboard with Georgia 3 1 4 0 7.
Thank Christ.
He’s a mush mouth idiot that may have just saved a few girls lives there.
I couldn’t understand that address.
It’s for the best.
I’m giving you a way to get to me.
Ladies, not men.
No men are welcome.
You won’t even get that door if you show up.
What about if I’m just there for church service?
I actually messaged Shanley on on YouTube to see if I could at least come for the sermon.
I said sermon, not semen.
I want a lady, but I have no money to keep a lady.
That’s a sentiment I think a lot of men would agree with.
Well, there you go.
That’s Shanley just looking for a girlfriend, also known as his next victim.
Finally, now, before we get into the news, let’s check in with one last Utah.
It’s actually been a while since we’ve heard from Stephen Dawson.
He’s that British dude who’s obsessed with a cam whore so obsessed that he’s basically stalking her.
He does somewhat harmless things like he’s concocted or crafted a scrapbook full of her nudes, like screenshots from her live streams and stuff.
But then he’ll go and he’ll track down her real address and show up at her house.
He’s freaked her out so much that she has blocked him on the campsite where she works, Babe Station.
Occasionally she will unblock him because, you know, she loves money and he spends a lot on her.
You in danger, girl.
She still doesn’t want to talk to him, though.
And so Stephen has resorted to using fake accents and disguising his voice.
But it it hasn’t worked out well for him.
Take a listen.
Hi, everyone.
I’m not an angry man.
I’m certainly an angry man with this one here.
When I bet she got through to her on the base station, I was early on and all that when she came on screen and all that.
And I got when I when I got through trying to describe my voice.
It’s all could describe my voice.
I couldn’t discover my voice by station.
It was really, really all could describe my voice.
So I put me in real.
That’s not Babe Station’s fault that you had a problem disguising your voice.
Also, the mere fact that the only way you could talk to this woman is to pretend you’re someone else, not sound like you.
That should really throw off some alarm bells in your head.
She doesn’t want to talk to you.
She’s doing everything she can to avoid you.
All could describe my voice.
So, of course, when she finds out it’s you talking to her, she’s going to ban you or hang up or whatever.
Describe my voice.
So I put me in real voice.
So what I’m using now, this one, when she heard my voice and that, guess what she did?
She bloody cut me off once again.
Babe Station, I want you to sat.
There is not a shortage of naked whores online looking for you to spend money on them.
There are so many out there, and I’m sure you can find one that looks similar to pretty.
That’s the object of his affection.
Pretty young.
Get it?
Pretty young.
Took me a while, but I just figured that out.
It’s a play on words because she looks really young and I want to fuck someone who looks young.
Ding dong, baby.
That’s one thing I am disappointed about, like with Stephen Dawson being so angry, we don’t get the ding dongs anymore.
When he’s horny, that’s like his catchphrase.
Ding dong.
Like he’ll thrust his crotch or grab it.
Ding dong, baby.
Haven’t heard a good ding dong in a while.
I want you to give the sack.
Give Pretty Young the sack.
Yeah, now he’s calling for Pretty Young’s termination at Babe Station.
Right, if Stephen can’t talk to her, no one should be able to.
Pretty Young the sack.
After what she did to me again, by cutting me off.
When she hears my voice, what the hell is wrong with her?
I want you to talk to her for me, Babe Station.
I want you to talk to Pretty Young and talk to her and explain the issues.
What she’s got against me.
Why’s she been like this to me?
What’s your issues against me?
I mean, you know the answer to this.
She cut me off today, and then Saturday, and then she cut my flys Friday, Friday before that, Friday before that.
You need to sort her out, Babe Station.
Get rid of her.
Well, I can’t wait to see if Babe Station does the right thing.
Stephen Dawson has made his demands.
Oh, real quick, before we get into the news, I found this really old clip.
This was posted like eight years ago on YouTube, but you know, we were talking about poop earlier, thanks to Sagittarius Shawty.
I’ve got a drunk guy here riding one of those mechanical bulls.
Yeehaw, Brian!
Yeehaw!
And apparently the mechanical bull jerks in a way that activates his bowels.
Wow, you guys got to see.
Oh, you got it, you got it.
There he goes.
Right there, right there.
That last little jerk.
He almost fell off.
It almost like launched him forward.
He’s still holding on, but because he was sort of launched forward, you can see his butt, not his bare ass, you know, he’s wearing shorts.
However, a little something slipped out and is now staining his shorts.
Hold on.
Oh, he chipped out.
I’m gonna chip.
I’m gonna chip.
They immediately stop the mechanical bull, like, get off.
The person who’s running it is like, get off, fall onto the ground.
She does not want to clean that thing.
And that’s why you should not ride a bull while intoxicated.
All right, in with that, let’s get into the Crazy Bizarre Twists.
Crazy Bizarre Twists, it’s the Fog Top News, all right.
All right, I told you all that we’ve got some great holiday sideshow deals.
It’s a great time to sign up.
Superfreaksideshow.
com, Distorted View store is open.
We also talked about that.
Oh, I got to mention Patreon, patreon.
com/distortedview.
It’s one final way to help DV out monetarily.
You can pledge as little as a dollar over there.
If you pledge at least five, you get access to a special voicemail line where I will play your calls first, but we have even higher tiers.
If you pledge at least $20, occasionally I will send out, like, DV merchandise, little presents, little gifts to say thank you.
I’m in the midst of that right now.
If you are a higher tiered freak, check your messages because you are getting a special promo code.
Good for one free t-shirt in the Distorted View store.
Everything’s taken care of.
Cost of the shirt, free shipping, all that good stuff.
It’s a one-time use promo code.
Again, thank you guys so much for continuing to support Distorted View.
Could not do this show without you.
Patreon.
com/distortedview.
All right, three very quick stories now.
First up, we are starting the week off right with a story from our most fucked up state.
Say it with me.
Oh, yeah.
Praise Jesus.
Give me a hallelujah.
In the home of Florida, it’s our most fucked up state.
[inaudible] Florida, it’s our most fucked up state.
Praise be to the Lord.
Yeah, Florida Man is at it again.
Florida Man is facing serious charges after allegedly sharing explicit bestiality videos in a private online group.
Not the Distorted View Discord.
Please, I do not need another headache here.
Yes, he shared bestiality videos in a private online group and attempted to arrange a disturbing encounter involving his dog.
According to court records, the suspect, identified as 33-year-old Jeremy Mark Lavora, engaged in explicit communication with an undercover female detective, a human female detective.
Maybe he was like video chatting with part of the K9 unit, which would be kind of funny, right?
Anyway, so yes, he engaged in explicit communication with an undercover female detective, expressing a desire for group sex with her and his German short-haired pointer dog named Remi.
That is oddly close to the command he gives his dog to lick his ass.
Sparky, time for a Remi.
Sparky, Remi.
The investigation began when police were monitoring a social media public chat room called Tampa K9 Knot.
Yeah, anytime “knot” is used in reference to animals, specifically dogs, you know you’ve got a bestiality freak on your hands.
We’ve done enough Sextastic Tuesday stories that you guys probably know that when you’re fucked by a dog, part of their penis, I guess, towards the base, is like a bulge that swells up.
So it’s inside of you, right, while the dog’s fucking you.
And then when the dog gets ready to cum, it swells up real big.
So it’s almost impossible for the female dog to like run away at that point.
It’s like the penis is stuck inside.
That ensures the jizz gets up in there real good.
And then when the penis starts to deflate, when the erection goes down, so does the knot, and then the female dog, or human bottom, can break free.
And that concludes today’s introduction to bestiality.
I like to end all of my lectures with a song.
“Oh, my beautiful doggie.
What do you want to do now?
Oh, I know.
How about a game of anal sex?
” I know, it’s a little obvious, but it’s entirely appropriate.
I’m Nathan Nyhaus, and his song, “Anal Sex.
” And then in parentheses, just to really drive the point home, it’s anal sex, parentheses, with the doggie.
I want my dog to perform a little anal sex on my tail.
And I need it right now.
I need it right now.
Like my dirty hole, you beautiful doggie.
I want it so bad.
I want you to fuck me really, really hard so I could feel your great, husky cock.
I can only imagine what new listeners to the podcast are thinking right now.
Yeah, there are people out there who enjoy having sex with animals, and they like to sing about it.
Is it really that weird?
Really?
Grow up, guys.
Different strokes for different folks, right?
Okay, back to the story.
Yeah, the investigation began when police were monitoring a social media public chat room called Tampa K9 Knot, a user with the handle “Loverboy” initiated contact with the undercover officer, sending six bestiality videos in a private message.
Like, that’s how they greet one another.
It seems a bit forward, but okay.
The suspect then allegedly added the detective to a private group chat on the same platform, where he continued to share multiple explicit videos involving animals with other members.
Last week, Lavera met with the undercover agent at a public park, accompanied by his dog, Remy.
Reportedly, he intended to return to his St.
Petersburg home and engage in group sex activities with the detective and his canine companion, Lover.
He prefers the term “lover,” “canine lover.
” In this house, we believe love is love.
Instead, law enforcement arrested Lavera on 15 counts of sexual activity involving animals, along with two other felony charges, corresponding to each video he allegedly provided.
After posting bond, Lavera was released from jail last Wednesday.
However, a judge imposed restrictions.
I bet he’s not allowed to have pets right now.
Maybe fish.
I mean, I don’t think he’s going to shove a goldfish in his ass.
But you know what?
Let’s not take that chance.
No fish.
But a judge imposed restrictions prohibiting him from having any contact with animals or participating in any chat rooms.
Lavera, who works as a security officer for the Hillsborough County Public School System, oh no, in Tampa, holds a security officer license expiring in March 2025.
Oh, I think it’s going to expire a little early for him.
He also appears to possess a statewide firearm license.
Originally from suburban New York City, Lavera graduated from Mercy College with a bachelor’s degree in legal studies and purchased a St.
Petersburg home in 2019 for $241,000, which is really neither here nor there.
That’s like a bizarre detail.
Like they just looked into this guy’s entire life.
Let’s get on the county auditor site and see if he owns any property.
The residence is co-owned with his father, a retired New York Police Department detective residing elsewhere in Florida.
Yeah, let’s not implicate him.
I want nothing to do with my son.
It’s a fruitcake.
All right, there you go.
That’s what’s happening in Florida.
Second story we have for you.
This one comes from China.
[siren] Land of a thousand sons?
I want to say sons.
Isn’t that how people refer to China?
Isn’t that like a saying or something?
Land of a thousand sons?
Maybe it’s land of a thousand chungs.
That sounds right too, honestly.
I don’t know.
At any rate, it doesn’t matter.
Once hailed as a Chinese prodigy for his exceptionable, exceptional, not exceptionable.
See, I don’t have an exceptional intellect.
That is painfully obvious when you listen to this podcast.
But Zhang Xinyang had exceptionable.
God damn it!
Exceptional.
Exceptional really does sound like a word though, right?
Sounds good to me.
Once hailed as a Chinese prodigy for his exceptional intellect, Zhang Xinyang’s remarkable journey from a toddler mastering thousands of Chinese characters to a PhD candidate in applied mathematics at the age of 16 has taken an odd turn, as reported by Oddity Central.
Now, 28 years old Zhang, who once made headlines for demanding his parents buy him a Beijing apartment during his PhD studies, he now leads a life that starkly contrasts the early promise he exhibited.
Is he a muckbanger now?
Is he one of those guys?
Zhang’s intellectual prowess surfaced at a mere 2.
5 years old when he rapidly learned over a thousand Chinese characters within three months.
Skipping several grades with the guidance of his father, he entered university at the age of 10.
He secured a spot at the Tianjin University of Technology and Education.
As he progressed, Zhang’s attitude began to shift.
Yeah, you become resentful towards your parents, who pushed you too hard, and then you’re suddenly realizing, “Wait a second!
I never got a chance to be a kid!
I always had my head buried in a book!
My fucking parents were quizzing me on stuff, taking me to tutors and study classes!
” I predict this story is going to end with him, like, just flat out murdering his parents, blowing their heads off.
Let’s see if I’m right.
What a fun game we’re playing now.
Did this academically gifted child murder his parents?
Answer at the end of this article.
At 13, he embarked on a master’s program in Beijing, and by 16, he was pursuing a PhD.
All right, we get it!
He’s smart!
However, the positive media coverage waned when Zhang issued an ultimatum to his parents.
A Beijing apartment, or he would abandon his studies.
Despite the financial difficulties, Zhang’s parents rented an apartment and lied that they had purchased it, driven by the hopes that their son would achieve what they could not.
Today, though, Zhang still lives in that same Beijing apartment, with his parents still covering the rent.
However, his current lifestyle stands in stark contrast to the ambitious young prodigy.
He’s unemployed and spending most of his time idly.
Zhang contends that this simple existence is the definition of happiness, relying on his parents and occasional freelance work for support.
It does sound pretty great!
Living somewhere and someone else is footing the bill.
It’s a pretty great life!
I mean, you know, if he went ahead with that PhD, he’d probably have to get a job that was demanding.
This is just much better.
Zhang’s assertions about his parents imposing their dreams on him and planning his life for him drew public criticism at the time, yet he remained steadfast in his beliefs.
Despite the divide in opinions on the Chinese internet, Zhang sees his parents as indebted to him for the apartment he claims should now be worth about $1.
4 million.
Yeah, but they’re still renting, so they don’t own it, you don’t own it, you guys have nothing.
While some criticize Zhang for his perceived arrogance and lack of respect for his parents, others view his story as a cautionary tale, highlighting the consequences of pushing children too hard.
Zhang’s undergraduate teachers hold out hope that he can still achieve greatness if he applies himself, but Zhang shows no inclination to undertake any significant endeavor.
He said, “There is no financial freedom when working for somebody else.
That’s a joke.
At least now I don’t need to deal with the attitudes of others.
” Zhang, 28, embraces a lifestyle that diverges dramatically from the high expectations set during his early years, and he is loving it.
(Zhang singing) That was barely a news story, honestly.
Like, adult child disappoints parents.
We’ve all done that.
Oh, because he was smart at one time, he deserves press coverage?
Okay, whatever.
Final story we have for you today.
This one comes from Iowa.
A holiday display at the Iowa Statehouse featuring a ram’s head and mirrors on a red-cloaked mannequin has sparked controversy.
That doesn’t look like Santa Claus.
No shit, kid.
It’s supposed to look like me.
(evil laugh) Oh, here we go.
Hey, Satan.
What up, faggot?
Hey.
Nah, it’s just because I heard your show.
Oh, that sound clip we play.
Oh, no, I’m sorry.
You misunderstood.
I listen to your show, and you sound like a faggot.
Okay, great.
Thank you.
When you speak.
Got it.
Do you really need to add that?
I just want to explain my reasoning.
Okay, well, it’s crystal clear.
I’m not saying you really are a faggot.
I’m just saying you sound– Well, I am.
You know, I’m gay.
Really?
Did I not know that?
I mean, I’m sure we’ve covered it at some point.
Huh.
It’s true.
I mean, it definitely tracks.
All right.
Okay, thank you.
Well, hey, this is great news.
You’ll be down here in no time.
Wait, what?
Look, this is not what I came up here to talk about.
All right, what’s up, Satan?
No, you’re just reading that bomb-ass story about me.
Honestly, we barely got started before you popped up.
Apparently, there’s a satanic Christmas display at the Iowa Statehouse.
And it looks sick as hell.
Oh, you are probably loving this.
Getting under Christian skin during the most holy of holidays.
No, you got me all wrong.
I’m just honored to be included for once.
I’ve always had a soft spot for this holiday.
It truly is the most wonderful time of the year.
Wow, I am surprised.
Sing it with me.
No.
Come on.
No, I’m not going to do that.
Sing a Christmas song with me.
No, I don’t want to.
No, absolutely.
With me.
No, no, no.
With me.
All right.
Okay, shut the fuck up.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
I had no idea you were this excited about Christmas.
Shut up and focus.
I’ve heard you sing before.
Watch that pitch and try to keep up.
Hit it, maestro.
It’s the most tormenting time of the year.
I can tell you wrote the lyrics for this, right?
Just sing the fucking song.
With the kids always screeching and demons unleashing the most unthinkable fear.
It’s the most tormenting time of the year.
Good, not bad.
It’s the dark, gloomiest season of all.
And your grandma’s in hell with her old lady smell and her ragged knit shawl.
It’s the dark, gloomiest season of all.
There’ll be bat souls for toasting and minions for boasting and violent deaths full of blood smeared.
There’ll be souls ever crying and sinners lying.
They all taste so good, flames seared.
It’s the most tormenting time of the year.
What?
Ha!
I’ll be down in a minute.
What’s going on, Satan?
Fucking Kayla.
Your daughter?
She’s got a project due at school and needs glue.
Oh, you gotta go take her to the store?
No, no.
I mean, humans can produce glue too, much like horses.
Muahahaha.
It’s just a hassle.
Oh.
Gotta go fire up the kiln.
Time to melt some little piggies.
Muahahaha.
Do that in a kiln?
We’ll continue Christmas caroling later.
Until then, practice that pitch.
Okay, will do.
Look, I just wanted to say I’m personally touched that someone would think to make a Christmas display around me, so.
.
.
You’re tops, Iowa.
Go Hawks!
Hawk, hawk, hawk, hawk, hawk, hawk!
Right?
I guess.
I don’t know.
But thank you so much for stopping by, Satan.
You got it.
See you later, faggot.
Well, there you go.
Satan, everybody.
Satan away!
There he goes.
Sounds a lot different when he’s flying away, doesn’t he?
Almost like he flew away once 18 years ago and we just keep reusing that sound.
But I know that’s not what’s happening.
He just left.
I just saw him fly away.
Maybe he sounds different because of the altitude when he’s flying away.
I don’t know.
All right, look.
Let’s finish up this stupid story.
The Satanic Temple, a non-theistic group that uses Satanic imagery to promote its message of social justice and secularism, installed the display on December 15th.
Co-founder Lucian Greaves, great name, explain.
.
.
Evil, evil sounding name, right?
Explain the group’s intention to exercise their right to religious freedom in a public space.
They’re always pulling shit like that.
They’re troublemakers.
That’s why we love them here on DV.
We are excited about the opportunity to be represented in a public forum.
We don’t have a church on every street corner, Greaves said.
Wow, throwing some shade there to religious institutions.
He added that individuals uncomfortable with the display can simply choose not to look at it, assholes.
However, the display has drawn criticism from some members of the public, including Shelley Flockhart from Dallas Center.
She described the display as dark and evil and organized a prayer group to counter its influence.
Okay, good luck with that.
Spiritual warfare is real, she said.
There are evil satanic forces trying to infiltrate our state, Flockhart said, probably crying.
The satanic temple emphasizes that they do not worship Satan or believe in its existence.
Their website describes their use of satanic imagery as a symbolic means.
Don’t tell Satan.
It might hurt his feelings if they don’t believe in him.
Anyway, their website describes their use of satanic imagery as a symbolic means to challenge religious dogma and advocate for individual autonomy.
The display is scheduled to remain at the Iowa Statehouse for 14 days.
Its presence has ignited discussion about religious freedom, the role of symbolism in public spaces, and the boundaries of acceptable expression.
So there you go.
Real conversation starter.
Thank you, satanic temple, for that.
I know you made Satan very happy.
For once, he’s, you know, he’s like in the Christmas spirit, which is kind of cool.
Satan does know what, like, Christmas is about, though, right?
Surprised he’s so excited about the whole thing.
Anyway, there you go, that, my friends, is your Distorted News for Monday.
Let’s do a couple voicemails and get the hell out of here.
Love to hear from you freaks, and there are many ways to contact the show.
I’m Oliver, social media @distortedview on Twitter and Instagram, facebook.
com/distortedviewshow.
Remember, if you pledge at least $5 to our Patreon account, you get access to a special voicemail line where I will play your calls first.
I don’t know if I’ve given out the regular voicemail line, but yes, please call in.
I get to all of the calls eventually, a few months behind on these things.
206-666-4463, but if you want to weasel your way to the top of the queue, you know what to do.
Just pledge $5 over there, patreon.
com.
All right, we do have some patrons checking in today.
Yes, caller, I think I know who this is.
Hi, Tim, this is a lifetime member and Patreon member, promo code freak.
And you know how Grand Theft Auto has those lovely little radio stations in every game.
Of course, yeah.
Well, like weasel radio or something.
Your bitter help ads, fantastic ads, by the way, perfect ads.
Thank you.
Definitely need to be part of their radio station.
In fact, I think there needs to be a distorted view radio channel.
I would do it for free just for the publicity.
Rockstar, get in contact with me.
Grand Theft Auto 6, and I don’t know, but you have a number of freaks.
I’m sure one of them has a Rockstar connection.
Yeah, really?
Can somebody help get this man in the new game?
We need a distorted view.
I’ll read anything they give me, right?
And I’ll even come up with my own stuff.
I mean, look, you guys are very busy with development.
I’ve seen the trailer.
People are just they can’t wait to get their hands on this game.
You guys got to work on the important stuff.
You just hand the airwaves over to me.
Those fake channels.
Bye.
It’s time for a scrawd media takeover of GTA 6.
Hey, Tim, it’s Pete.
Hope you’re well.
Hey, Pete.
That’s great big Pete.
Love, love, love the ad you did there for bitter help.
Yeah, my good friend Joey also liked it.
The funniest thing, like listening back for me anyway, is just the fake sincere voice I have to use.
I was telling him that it’s so hard to do that.
It’s so hard to be sincere.
Like, you know, I can’t even do it without laughing.
It’s really important, and especially with the holidays coming up, that we all, you know, remember to take a little bit of time for ourselves and to be good to ourselves.
So thank you, Tim, for this wonderful advertisement and this wonderful service.
It’s much appreciated.
That’s right.
What is it?
Bitterhelp.
com, and it’s promo code bitter.
Very easy to remember.
Tim, you were asking about air fryers.
Highly recommend it.
I have them.
They do particularly well with, like, chicken.
Yeah, I’ve heard that.
Chicken.
And any hard vegetables, like potatoes or pumpkin.
Brussels sprouts, I heard, are really good.
I love Brussels sprouts for some reason.
So I can’t wait to get — those are going to stink, by the way.
Put a little bit of oil on, throw it in, cook it, done.
Ugh.
Also, every air fryer is smokeless unless you use it wrong, because there shouldn’t be any smoke.
If you have smoke in your air fryer, you’re fucked up, and you’re fucked up quite a lot.
Yeah, well, you know — well, yeah.
I think it’s just the smells.
Yeah, I mean, there are these super fancy ones for restaurants that have, like, a built-in vent.
Yeah, the one we saw at Costco was not only an air fryer, but, like, a grill, right?
Like, you could — and so there’s, like, a grill with, like, a top on it, and I think that’s supposed to be the smoke push part.
It’s just blended out of your, like, kitchen, whatever hole.
But those ones cost, like, 10K upwards.
Yeah.
So, yeah.
Okay.
Well, thank you very much for the information there.
Hey, Tim, it’s Tyler.
Hope you’re having a great day.
Air fryers.
Uh-oh.
Total scam.
A scam?
How can you say there’s a scam?
Everyone uses those things.
A couple of years ago, the Lord Duce insisted that you all buy a dual-fuel oven.
I assume that’s a convention convection oven.
An air fryer is literally a countertop appliance.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
Technically, you can air fry in our, like, the oven that we have.
But the problem is, then you’ve got to, like, preheat it, and the oven is so big.
You know what I mean?
Like, it just seems like it’s kind of a waste when you just want, like, a basket of fries or tater tots or whatever.
It’s just a convection oven.
Yeah, that we did know.
I mean, I am a very stupid person, but I mean– Own one, and it’s already taking up real estate in your kitchen.
So, don’t buy it.
Don’t give in to the small appliance Jew that wants to sell you air fryers that are just convection ovens.
There’s, like, that one company that sells all sorts of, like, single-use stupid appliances.
Like, there’s, like, a mini donut maker.
And then they’ve got, like, a fajita maker, a cupcake maker.
They’ve got an egg station.
And they’re all, like, these very, very super tiny, like, appliances that you, like, collect.
Like Funko Pops.
That aren’t even as good as the regular oven.
And Instapots that are just crockpots with a digital timer.
All right, love you.
Well, Instapots aren’t– Instapots are pressure cookers, though.
So it’s not exactly the same as a crockpot, right?
I don’t know.
Hey, DoomsideShow freak and Patreon member, Authentic Mexican here today.
I keep drinking my meds.
And I think what I’m going to start doing is, every time I listen to your show, which is every day except the weekends, I’m going to take my meds right when the show starts.
Maybe I’ll remember.
Because what happened was I tried to take my meds for three days again, and– It’s a mental health update brought to you by BitterHelp.
Yesterday, I had a little mental snap and tried to run my vehicle into my father-in-law’s house.
And they were going to shoot me, and the cops came, and– You need to be live streaming your life.
It sounds very interesting.
I mean, I’m sorry you’re dealing with these mental issues.
I called my ass down and didn’t go to jail.
But yeah, I do have this problem, too, where I forget to take my pills every day.
And I’m always thinking, like, did I take my pill?
Did I not?
Thankfully, we got that dog that died not too long ago, and she had one of those pill things, you know, like broken up by the day.
One of those pill containers, right?
Monday– that are broken up.
You know what I’m talking about, right?
The weekly pill containers broken up each day.
Whatever.
I forget what they’re called.
Pill containers.
Have I said pill container?
I feel like I’m having a mental breakdown right now.
Anyway, well, because of that, now I know when I don’t have taken my pill.
But yeah, if you don’t have one of those, I understand you might not because they’re very expensive.
They’re only for the top, whatever, 1% out there who can afford the $3 these things cost.
But yes, if you need a simple reminder of when to take your pill, the start of Distorted View Daily is a good time.
So yeah, that’s what I’m going to try doing.
But yeah.
All right, great.
Yeah, take your pill so no one shoots at you, especially family members or whatever the hell is going on over there.
That is all the time we have on this edition of the show.
I want you guys to email me, show@distortedview.com.
Distortedview.com is our official website.
Voicemail line for you, 206-666-4463.
That’s 206-66–oh God, is it?
Oh God!
You guys are in the business to be fucking weirdos.
Spread the distortion.
STD.
Tell all your friends about the show.
Don’t forget to give us a five-star rating, a thumbs up, or like wherever you can rate and review podcasts.
I will be back tomorrow if and only if you’re sideshow members.
It’s a great time to sign up.
Why?
We’ve got some holiday deals, so you don’t miss a thing.
You can catch tomorrow’s Tuesday sideshow exclusive episode.
It takes just a second to sign up.
Super easy.
All major credit cards and PayPal accepted.
Otherwise, I will see you back on Wednesday.
Until then, have a great day.
Bye, everybody!
[ending music]
Tony, one, two, three, four, five.
I don’t know anything about being on these things.
One, two, three, four, five.
I end up on those news shows so often, you know?
And those news shows are terrible.
Tony.
You’re part of the local news.
How exciting.
Tony Danza.
This has been another excellent podcast from the Scrod Media Group.
Learn more at scrod.net.
