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Estonian Eggnog And Other Bizarre Holiday Sex Acts

November 29, 202371 min read

On Today’s Show:

00:00:00 Introduction
01:43:19 The Early Thanksgiving Has Messed Up My Holiday Merriment
05:57:02 Mom And I Learn New Holiday Terms
17:57:10Boogie2988 Continues His Downward Spiral / Gets Yelled At And Humiliated
26:45:21 Christians See Lights In The Sky And Freak Out
29:59:12 Support DV! 
31:51:21 Handwritten License Plate Shockingly Attached To Stolen Car
35:34:00 Aggressive Chicken Man High On Shrooms
38:36:14 Don’t Help Out Asshole Minks On The Loose
42:10:00Voicemails: 206-666-4463 / Ending
Promo Code: FREAK Save 50% + Free Shipping And Gifts | Coupon Code “FREAK” at checkout! Adam&Eve

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AI Transcript:

(upbeat music) – Hey freaks, it’s Wednesday, November 29th, 2023.

Coming up on the program today, my mom learns what a steamy Santa is.

Plus an aggressive chicken man high on mushrooms and behold the light of Jehovah shining down on this holy Toyota dealership.

All this was your voicemails today.

(upbeat music) ♪ You better wish me a merry Christmas ♪ ♪ Don’t wish me happy holidays ♪ ♪ If you do I’ll beat you black and blue ♪ ♪ Merry Christmas to you ♪ ♪ Don’t wanna hear no seasons greetings ♪ ♪ At any of our business meetings ♪ ♪ If you do I’ll put my fist in your face ♪ ♪ Merry Christmas to you ♪ ♪ Because Jesus is the reason for the season ♪ ♪ And when you’re decorating along those merry walls ♪ ♪ The next person who wishes me happy holidays ♪ ♪ Is gonna get decked along with those merry halls ♪ – The Distorted View Show with Tim Henson.

  • I’m a sucker for other people’s pain.
  • Is Miss Vagina thinking about Mr.

Pinch?

  • Stuff my fucking asshole, that’s it.

Stuff the fucking shit box.

  • The guy, he’s in the dirty underwear or something.

I don’t know, he’s sniffy.

  • Yes, Tim Henson back here with you for your Wednesday episode of TV as we inch ever closer to Christmas.

I mean, I know technically we’re still in November, which is kind of fucked up, right?

Usually Thanksgiving happens and then boom, we’re in December.

Thanksgiving is supposed to be the last thing that happens before the month changes over.

Not this year though, inexplicably after Thanksgiving, we’ve got to deal with another week in November.

Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but Thanksgiving is supposed to take place on the last Thursday of the month, which technically would be this coming Thursday, the 30th.

I mean, is there some rule that Thanksgiving can’t literally be on the last day of November?

Apparently, I think it all has to do with stores, the Walmarts of the world.

What am I talking about?

Well, the most important shopping day of the year is Black Friday.

If Thanksgiving was on the last day of November, Black Friday would be on December 1st and that would throw their calendars out of whack, right?

It’s all about massaging those numbers.

Now, as I’m saying this, I’m looking up why Thanksgiving was not celebrated today.

And apparently the rule is it’s celebrated the fourth Thursday of every month, which just requires too much math, in my opinion.

I don’t like these holidays that are just bouncing around the calendar every year.

You never know where it’s going to land.

And if I was the holiday, I would feel personally attacked, offended.

It’s almost like I don’t matter that much.

People are like, “Well, you know, wherever we can fit in Thanksgiving, we’ll put it on the calendar.

” You know, if it was really important, it would have a set date.

Also, my theory is thrown completely out the window because I’m looking back at 2022 and there was, you know, we celebrated Thanksgiving on the 24th back then.

That means there was lots of extra days after Thanksgiving before it changed over to December.

I don’t know.

It just seems like there’s so much time after Thanksgiving before we finally get to December.

It’s hard to get in the Christmas spirit.

You know, I associate the holidays really with December.

It’s the birth month of our Lord, after all.

Still, I’m trying my hardest to be merry and jolly right now to help get into the swing of things.

I thought it might be fun to learn some new Yuletide terminology.

What am I talking about?

Well, language is fluid.

And if there’s one thing I crave, it’s fluids.

Anyway, there’s always new words and phrases entering our lexicon.

I’m simply too old to keep up with this stuff.

You kids with your cap and riz and all that in a bag of chips.

Miss Thang and you go girl.

Where are we going?

I don’t know.

I don’t understand.

I get so nervous when I’m around young people and they’re saying these things that confuse and frighten me.

I’m glad I’m not one of these people who always has a gun with me, you know?

I mean, I wouldn’t shoot anyone because I’m angry with the way they speak, but I’d be frightened, you know?

Ah, I don’t know what bougie drip means.

Are you threatening me?

What is chugie?

You’re speaking in such an aggressive tone.

I get all frazzled and I end up shooting someone.

Next thing you know, I’m on trial for manslaughter.

I’m up there balling like Kyle Rittenhouse.

(panting) He looked at me and he said I was mid and I didn’t know what else to do except pull out my gun and blow a hole in his head.

It was self-defense.

I thought he was speaking gang.

I’m pretty sure he said something about yeeting.

I think he was a cannibal.

He’s a part of a cannibal gang.

And then, because I am a white man, I’m acquitted.

I bet I’d only miss like a week of shows during that whole ordeal.

Anyway, back on track.

I learned some new holiday slang thanks to the Urban Dictionary.

I’m pretty sure these are gonna be some terms that even you guys don’t know.

Now, if there’s one person in this world who is less hip than me, well, it would have to be my mother.

So I thought, why not get her on the line?

For once, she’s gonna be ahead of the curve here.

She’s gonna learn some new phrases that haven’t yet quite made it mainstream.

By the time we’re through with her, Patty Henson is gonna be fire.

Am I using that term right?

I’m gonna turn her out.

I’m pretty sure I just said I’m gonna turn my mom into a prostitute.

That’s not what I was going for.

I really just need to stop trying to be cool here.

  • Hello.
  • Hello, Patricia.

How are you?

  • I’m fine.

Okay, what’s going on?

  • Well, don’t sound like that.

This is gonna be fun.

Today, you and I are going to learn some new holiday slang words.

You know, the Christmas season is quickly approaching.

  • Yeah.
  • And although you’re hip.
  • Oh, Jesus.
  • There’s a lot of new terminology out there that you probably don’t know and I don’t know.
  • Okay.
  • So I’ve compiled a few words and phrases here and I’m gonna send them to your phone and I just want you to read them.

It’s like a dictionary definition.

  • Wait a minute, I gotta get you on here.
  • Yeah, go grab your mobile phone.

How’s your holiday season going?

That well, huh?

  • Wait a minute, just use password.

What’s that mean?

  • Oh, here we go.
  • Oh, wait a minute.
  • This is going to turn into a seven hour segment as my mom figures out how to use her phone.

Patricia.

  • Okay, oh, here we, oh, what the heck?

Okay, all right.

  • All right, so, well, first of all, how’s your holiday season starting off?
  • How’s my holiday, terrible.
  • Can’t you just lie to my listeners?

Be positive.

What’s wrong?

What is possibly wrong?

  • ‘Cause it’s cold and I, it’s cold, I’m cold.
  • That’s what winter is, mother.

(Patricia laughing) – I know, I know.

  • It’s snowing, but it’s tropical in your house.

Real quick, tell everyone what your thermostat is currently set at.

  • 75 degrees.
  • 75 degrees.

When I was up there, I was melting.

Mom, I almost spontaneously combusted.

It is so hot there.

You always complain about the summer, that it’s too hot.

Meanwhile, I walk into your house, it’s like an oven.

It’s hazy when I walk into your place.

Like there’s those squiggly lines, you know, when it’s so hot outside.

  • Listen, I’m old and I have no blood in me.

(both laughing) – You’re all dried up.

  • I’m all dried up, that’s right.
  • All right, so I’ve got five terms here for you.

I just sent you the first one.

Read the first term.

  • The reindeer, oh, what’s that word?
  • I knew this was gonna happen.

I should have wrote it out phonetically.

  • Reindeer fallafel?

Fallafel?

  • No.
  • Oh, I don’t know.
  • This is the real game.

Guess what my mom is trying to say.

Mom, it’s, she’s not even, you’re not gonna know what this is.

It’s falafel, reindeer falafel.

(laughing) – Reindeer falafel?

  • Yeah.
  • Oh, falafel.
  • Falafel is a, like a, what is it?

Like a Middle Eastern deep fried, they’re good.

They’re like balls.

  • Okay.
  • Yeah, it doesn’t matter.

So read the definition of reindeer falafel.

  • Okay, a reindeer falafel is, it is when one sells breast milk, which is naturally antimicrobial.
  • Oh my God, we’re gonna be here all day.

The word is antimicrobial.

  • Oh Jesus, antimicrobrial.

(laughing) – I said it better than you.

  • Antimicrobial.
  • And that makes to make soap so that others can bathe in one’s titty milk.

Titty milk?

  • Yes, I promise this is gonna get, it’s gonna get better, Franks.

This was a hard one.

Reindeer falafel is when one sells breast milk to make soap so others can bathe in one’s titty milk.

  • I don’t have titty milk.
  • Well, not you specifically.

Talk about dried up.

(laughing) – I’m dried up and okay, I know.

Okay, well, what’s the next here?

  • You’ve got powdered milk.

Here comes the next one.

Maybe this one will be better.

Okay.

  • Yeah, right.

Okay, first of all, I don’t even know.

  • Estonian.
  • Estonian eggnog.
  • All right, what is the definition of Estonian eggnog?
  • An Estonian eggnog is when you squeam your ejaculate and crack an egg in a cup and chug it to completion.
  • But that’s not all.

What happens next?

  • Aggressively beating off locking eyes with an Estonian woman.
  • Yeah, I’d tell you, I kinda knew that one a little bit, so that’s okay.
  • You knew about Estonian eggnog?
  • Yeah, didn’t you know that?
  • No.

Not everybody did.

(laughing) – Is that something you and dad would do?

  • Well, we did one time.

(laughing) – You don’t have much taste for eggnog, do you?

You don’t like eggnog.

  • I love eggnog, that’s why.
  • All right.

We better just move on.

  • Estonian, yeah.
  • Yeah.
  • Especially when you squeam your– – Squeam what exactly?
  • Yeah.
  • What do you squeam there?
  • Your ejac– Well, I guess.

(laughing) – You don’t wanna say it now.

(laughing) All right, all right.

Here comes– – Oh my God, this is a long one.

  • I know, it’s the third one.

It’s called what?

  • A steamy Santa.
  • Steamy Santa.

Mom, what is a steamy Santa?

  • Okay, okay.

This looks pretty– All right, all right, let’s see here.

A steamy Santa is a highly advanced defecation maneuver where one climbs to the roof of the unsuspecting party’s house, squats over the chimney, and takes a shit plummeting down the chimney.

This results in a steamy deuce at the bottom of the living room fireplace.

(laughing) While the maneuver draws its name from and is similar to the Western tradition of Santa Claus, it tends to draw a negative reaction from the upsuspecting party.

  • Oh.
  • All right, basically just– – Yeah, nice.
  • Well, I wouldn’t call it nice, but yeah, it’s basically just pooping down the chimney, right?
  • Yeah.
  • That is a– – That’s a steaming Santa, oh my God.
  • Mom, we are almost done.

There’s only two left, and then I will– – Oh my God, I just can’t, let’s see.

  • Put you out of your misery.

You won’t have to do any more.

All right, so here is the fourth one.

  • Okay.
  • Let’s see how many of these words you get right.
  • Okay.

(laughing) – They’re hard.

  • A gliding– – Nope.
  • Gliding down the memora.
  • No, none of those words were right.

It’s gilding the menorah.

You know, like the Jewish menorah, the candles.

  • Gilding, no, not really.
  • Okay, well, it’s gilding the menorah.
  • Gilding the– – Menorah.
  • Gilding, are you sure that’s– – Yes, gilding is like making it gold, like gold plating it or something.
  • Okay.
  • So, all right, let’s take this again from the top.
  • Gilding the menorah, okay.

Okay, this is gilding the menorah.

The act of shoving a large dildo up a young Jewish girl’s ass, pulling it out, licking it, and then shoving it into her, oh dear, you’re a pussy.

(laughing) – I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, Mom.

  • Not to be confused with the popular golden sponge bath.
  • I don’t know what a golden sponge bath is.

Now, this last one is the shortest one, so there’s not much reading involved.

This is gonna be super easy.

This is the last Christmas-themed term.

Go ahead, Mom.

  • Okay, can I get these words?

Oh, this looks like easy.

This looks pretty easy, Alaskan Christmas.

  • Yeah, Alaskan Christmas.

What is an Alaskan Christmas, Mom?

  • All right, first of all, you have to freeze a turd.
  • Oh, right.
  • And play backwards, tug of war, pushing it into each other’s buttholes.
  • Oh, okay, so it’s a two-person thing.

You take a turd and then you both shove it in your butts.

  • Oh, well, that’s lovely, isn’t it?
  • That’s an Alaskan Christmas.
  • That’s Alaskan Christmas.
  • Yep.
  • Okay, well, gee, I learned a lot here today.
  • What a way to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior.
  • Isn’t that the truth?

Isn’t that the truth?

  • Yeah, let’s play Alaskan Christmas.

(laughing) – Well, that was educational.

I hope I didn’t offend anybody.

  • Well, that’s kind of the point of the show, I guess.

I’m so sorry I made you do that, though.

I won’t make you do any more.

  • Okay, well, that wasn’t too bad.

That was, except some of these words are kind of like, you know.

  • They’re hard.

That’s the hardest part of it.

That’s the worst part of this segment, huh, is pronouncing the hard words.

  • Yes, that’s true.

That’s very true.

  • I like how you said that these weren’t that bad when they were all about, let’s see, breast milk, selling breast milk, squeaming ejaculate.

A couple ones involve poop, and the other one involves a dildo being shoved into lady parts.

Yeah, that wasn’t so bad.

These are nicer.

These are nicer ones than you usually make me read.

  • Really, these are not too bad.

These are not too bad, yeah.

  • Well, listen, my listeners love you.

They always love to hear from you.

I’m sure they would want to wish you a Merry Christmas.

  • Yeah, have a Merry Christmas, everybody.

And I hope I, yeah, I hope my, I hope I didn’t offend anybody.

  • I hope you did.

I hope you get canceled.

Boycott Patricia Henson.

All right, I’ll give you a call in a few days.

  • Okay, fine, take care.
  • All right, love you too, bye.
  • Okay, bye-bye, bye-bye.
  • There you go, that’s my mom.

We haven’t heard from her in, oh my God, in probably about a year, year and a half.

She’s doing good, right, sounding good.

Still has trouble pronouncing bigger words, but you know what, so do I.

That’s where I get it from.

I inherited it from her.

Oh, I can just chop up so much of what she said into little sound bites.

  • I don’t have kiddie milk.
  • Now do the one about the Jewish girl’s asshole, or pussy or whatever.

All right, oh, you know what?

I was curious about that golden sponge bath thing.

Golden sponge bath was referenced in one of the definitions.

Well, according to Urban Dictionary, a golden sponge bath is when you bone a person in a bed that you peed in two days prior, but haven’t cleaned the sheets or flipped the mattress.

So I guess you let the piss soak in there and marinate and dry over.

So it’s just like a faint, musty stink.

And when you’re having sex in there, you get all sweaty and then it reactivates the piss.

That is a golden sponge bath.

All right, there you go.

Couple of interesting holiday terms you may have not heard before.

Let’s move on.

A freak called into the voicemail line just the other day and said, “Hey Tim, you recently featured that documentary “on the YouTuber Boogie2988.

” If you don’t know who Boogie is, he was a YouTuber who was kind of popular back in the day.

His views have gone down substantially over the years.

He can barely afford to live.

He refuses to get a real job.

He blew all of his money on toys and prostitutes.

He got the gastric bypass surgery, but he’s like still super fat.

You know, one of those kinds of guys.

Anyway, the caller who left a voicemail said, “You gotta watch Boogie’s newest video “where he’s crawling on the ground asking for forgiveness.

“It is quite the pathetic sight.

” So I was interested and I found so much more.

So I guess after this documentary was posted on YouTube, one of the people who watched it was Keemstar, who was another YouTuber.

Back in the day, he had this series called “Drama Alert,” and he would just sort of like cover fights and beefs between YouTubers.

He would cover the drama.

Anyway, he decided to throw Boogie a bone here and set up a podcast for him.

Basically, Boogie and a couple of other washed up YouTubers would get on mic, share their pathetic lives for an hour.

And then I think there was gonna be like a reaction podcast that Keemstar and a couple of other people would appear on where they would just listen or watch Boogie’s show and then make fun of him.

I mean, it’s a killer concept.

I think it’s a winning formula.

The one caveat that Keemstar gave Boogie was, “Look, you gotta save all of the drama for the show.

“You can’t be doing stuff on other people’s channels, “going on other people’s shows.

“Save all the good stuff for your podcast.

“That’s where we want the views, right?

“Because that’s how you’re going to get paid.

“That’s how we’re gonna get sponsors and shit.

” I believe Boogie’s show was gonna be called the LOL Cow Podcast or something.

I don’t even know if the first one aired or was posted.

Before Boogie got into an argument with someone, got into a fight, I believe it was with another YouTuber, it started blowing up.

The smart business move would just be to keep your fucking mouth shut until you start recording your podcast.

Then you can let it all out, right?

That’s not what Boogie did.

He went on someone else’s show.

Of course he fucks everything up and Keem is mad at him.

I believe he leaves Boogie some voicemails here.

  • Fuck you and your stupid fucking head.

Your fucking retarded fucking head.

  • Oh, the anger in this guy’s voice.

Totally understandable, by the way.

I would be fuming as well if I set up a podcast for someone and specifically told him, like, “Look, keep your mouth shut.

“If you’re in a feud, save it for the show.

” I mean, I don’t know if this guy, Keem, is putting up money to get this whole thing going, but it sounds like he did, right?

Like he’s being royally fucked over by Boogie.

Boogie’s loose lips.

  • Fuck you and your stupid fucking head.
  • A pretty good way to describe Boogie’s head.
  • Your fucking retarded fucking head.

I talked to you before you went on.

In my other group chat, people were like, “Oh, Boogie’s calling into Rich.

” I fucking called you, we spoke.

I said, “Don’t give Rich the tea.

” I do find it odd when straight guys use the term tea.

It really should be reserved for women and gay dudes.

Just sounds unnatural coming out of a straight guy’s mouth.

Save the tea for your podcast, honey.

You’re spilling the tea everywhere, except for the one place where you actually stand to make money.

If people watch, listen.

Oh my, he is so dumb.

  • Your exact words to me were, “Oh, I’m just gonna go on there and tell him I’m busy,” right?

So you called to Rich, you tell him I’m busy, he starts milking you, you start answering every fucking question.

  • Milking those big fat Boogie teats.
  • Because you’re an attention fucking freak.

And then you have a face-off with Muta on Rich’s stream.

  • Whoever Muta is, is the guy that Boogie was fighting with, the YouTuber.
  • The face-off between you and Muta should be on your podcast.

That’s monetized, that you make money on.

Fuck you and your stupid fucking head.

This is not a mistake.

This is not an accident, you fucking retard.

You did this on purpose.

  • It’s like he wants to sabotage himself.

Like he refuses to do anything that could get him out of this financial hole, you know?

I’m with Keem here.

  • I talked to you before.
  • Is his name Keem or Keemstar, whatever.

Whatever he goes by, I’m with you.

  • Or you went in.

I fucking hate you.

Fuck you.

All the time and effort into this fucking show to help you guys out.

  • Fucking retard.
  • And you can’t do the simplest task.
  • I fucking hate you.

I hate you.

Retard.

  • This is a guy you want on your side.

And I’ll tell you why.

He’s passionate.

You can tell he cares about this podcast more than you could say for Boogie, that’s for sure.

Oh, by the way, Boogie responds to Keem in a voice message.

And this would, like, if I was the recipient of this message, it would make me even more furious.

Like, I would lose my mind because Boogie’s tactic is to almost speak in a monotone voice.

Like, super calm.

Yes, I fucked up.

That’s not what I would want to hear.

I’d want him to match my intensity.

You know, if I’m screaming at him, “Boogie, you fucking suck.

You asshole, retard.

You fucked up.

” I would expect him to respond, “Oh my God, I am so sorry.

I don’t know what I was thinking.

I lost my mind.

I blacked out.

I’m so sorry.

I’m going to make this right.

” You know, like, understand the gravity of the situation.

There is nothing more important in the world right now than the LOLCOW podcast.

I understand it, why can’t you?

Palestinians and Israelis understand the gravity of the situation.

Why do you think there’s a ceasefire right now?

They’re trying to parse through all this Boogie LOLCOW podcast shit.

All right, let’s listen to Boogie’s response.

  • Yeah, obviously I fucked up.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, what can you do?

I fucked up.

What can I say?

I, you know, I screwed the pooch a little, you know.

  • I was just going to go there to promote the show.

I didn’t know Muta was going to come in there and pull his shit.

I should have left when Muta showed up and said, “Save it for the show.

” But you’re right.

  • Once again, I’m a complete fuck up.

I ruin any chance of, you know, me being successful at something.

  • I respect your decision.

Let me know if you need any of the passwords or anything like that.

  • Like he just immediately admits defeat.
  • I’ll be glad to hand them over.

And let me know if you change your mind.

  • And also you didn’t call me and you didn’t talk to me.

You sent me a message here, but you didn’t call and talk to me.

We didn’t talk.

  • Now he’s kind of blaming Keem because they didn’t have a conversation.

I guess Keem just sent a message, which is really all he should need.

What more is there to talk about?

Hey, when you go on someone else’s show, don’t give away all the good stuff.

Save it for your own program where you make the money and you have sponsors.

You know, this is really not a, a conversation isn’t needed.

  • I mean, I understand you’re upset right now, but we didn’t, we didn’t talk.
  • Yeah, again, if you want those passwords.
  • I need you to fuck off.

Like seriously.

  • I just love the difference in energy between these two.

Yeah, so that’s Keem now responding once again.

I guess he does not accept Boogie’s apology here.

  • I need you to fuck off.

Like seriously, fuck off.

I need you to get on your fucking hands and knees, have your girlfriend fucking film you.

  • Ah, so this is the crawling on the floor a listener was telling me about in the voicemails.
  • I’m such a selfish attention fucking retard that I just, I want attention.

I want to be in conversation so bad that I gave an entire, the entire storyline of what’s been happening on episode one to fucking ReviewTechUSA.

‘Cause I’m so thirsty to just to talk to someone.

I’m that big of a fucking loser.

Make that video, you piece of shit.

  • And like a good little bitch boy, Boogie does.

There is nothing funnier than watching a fat person crawl on the floor.

  • I’m sorry, Tommy C.

I’m sorry, Daddy Keemstar.

I’m sorry.

  • Oh, how embarrassing.
  • I’m fucking sorry.

It was fucking stupid of me to go on Rich’s fucking show and give away the fucking storyline.

  • Okay, I mean, you get the idea there.

Boogie just can’t help be Boogie, I guess.

One more short clip and then we will get into the news.

I thought this was kind of funny.

A group of people gathered outside of a, what appears to be a car dealership.

They all seem to believe that Jesus is descending from heaven.

This is the rapture or something.

I don’t know, but what they’re seeing, it’s a cloudy night or foggy, and they’re seeing some lights flashing in the sky.

The consensus, at least in the comments, seems to be that it’s simply spotlights, mainly because the lights seem to be like shooting out in a cone-like fashion.

And also there’s a repeating pattern, like the lights are rotating.

So it’s pretty obvious that this is not heavenly lights being showered down upon earth.

You’d think that particular light would be able to pierce through clouds.

I don’t know why God just wouldn’t part the clouds to put on this light show.

But anyway, here are some Christians just freaking the fuck out.

  • Yes!
  • Hallelujah!
  • Praise God!
  • You’re alive!
  • Thank you, Jesus!
  • Take me, Jesus!
  • Thank you, Jesus!
  • Oh my God!
  • Jesus!
  • Take me, Jesus, they’re saying.

They’re ready to go up to the mothership.

  • Thank you, Jesus!
  • Oh my God!
  • Jesus!
  • Thank you, God!
  • Thank you, thank you.
  • Hallelujah, hallelujah!
  • Hallelujah!
  • Oh my God!
  • I hear that it could be angels.

That’s what one person said, if you listen closely.

  • Oh!
  • Right there!
  • How beautiful!
  • I know!
  • Oh, Jesus!
  • Jesus!
  • Yes!
  • Yes!
  • Hallelujah!
  • I’m there!
  • Oh my!
  • I thought you said you didn’t.
  • Hallelujah!
  • Oh my God!
  • Oh my gosh!
  • Thank you, Lord!
  • Thank you, Lord!
  • They’re all doing that thing where they like, are raising their hands up.

Praise Jesus!

  • Thank you, Jesus!
  • Thank you, Lord!
  • Thank you, Jesus!
  • Well, who you should be thanking is Craig’s Serpentini Chevrolet.

They’re overstocked with inventory and everything has to go, go, go!

They’re just, they’re trying to direct people onto the lot.

That’s why they rented these big spotlights.

  • Lord!
  • Thank you, Jesus!
  • Thank you, Lord!
  • Thank you, Jesus!
  • Right there!
  • You can see it.
  • Beautiful, look, warm oranges.
  • I can see Christ.
  • I can see him, honey.
  • Jesus, Julie.
  • Oh my God!
  • Thank you, Jesus!
  • Thank you, Jesus!
  • Thank you!
  • Hallelujah!

Oh, wow, look at that, look at the line!

  • They’re just literally rotating in the sky.
  • They’re all a bunch of angels.
  • Okay, well, if they are angels, their wings are injured.

That might be why they’re spinning around out of control.

They got clipped by an American Airlines plane.

Mayday, mayday!

I wonder if this took place near a church or something, because the fact that a group of people somehow gathered is frightening.

  • Oh, look at that, look at the line!
  • Oh, my word.
  • Thank all of, bunch of angels.
  • Apparently, they’re gone now.
  • What?
  • They’re at war anyway.
  • Oh, thank you, Jesus, yes!

Oh, look at ’em!

  • This is really no different than that classic DV clip where people thought a leprechaun was in a tree over there in Alabama.
  • To me, it look like a leprechaun to me.

I got to do a little bit of tree.

Who else in the leprechaun say, “Yeah!

” – Yeah!

  • And with that, let’s get into the crazy bizarre twist.

To the FUN FACT NEWS!

All right, now.

(upbeat music) (sped up audio) Hey, if you’re not a member of the Distorted View Sideshow, it’s a great time to sign up.

Why?

Well, because in about a month, DV is going to be switching it up.

Now, normally we do three episodes that are free every week and two that are Sideshow exclusive.

We’re gonna sort of flip that around starting in January, where three episodes are going to be Sideshow exclusive and two episodes will be free for everyone.

So if you wanna hear DV get every single episode, every last drop of my juice.

  • Scream your ejaculate.
  • Mom, I do not need an assist by you today talking about my ejaculate or juice.
  • I don’t have titty milk.
  • All right, listen, sign up for the Sideshow, superfreaksideshow.com.

If you happen to listen to DV on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, you can sign up in those apps as well.

Just a few taps, you’ll get the Sideshow content right alongside the normal free episodes.

For more information, check out distortedview.com and superfreaksideshow.com.

Finally, we’ve got a Patreon account, patreon.com/distortedview.

If you pledge at least $5, you get access to a special voicemail line where I will play your calls first.

It should also be noted that, you know, we’ve got the Distorted View store chock full of DV merchandise.

If you do pledge at least $5, check our Patreon page because I’ve got a special promo code for you guys.

Likewise, on tomorrow’s Sideshow exclusive episode, Sideshow Freaks will be getting a promo code for the store as well.

Just a little perk of helping DV out monetarily.

Thank you so much to all of my patrons and Sideshow Freaks.

You’re the reason I’m able to continue doing the show.

And of course, everyone who is purchasing stuff over there in the Distorted View store, you’re helping out too.

Lots of new designs, new t-shirts, sweatshirts, hoodies, drink wear, check it out, distortedview.com.

All right, three very quick stories now.

First up, take a look at the chapter artwork and you will see a photograph of a car featuring what can only be described as a glaringly fake license plate.

Bay Area cops noticed it immediately.

Yes, in the early hours of Friday morning, a driver in Benicia, California, found herself on the wrong side of the law when a vigilant police officer, well, I mean, you know, the police officer was just doing his or her job.

Let’s not turn them into heroes quite yet.

Anyone who saw this car noticed how fake the license plate was.

It didn’t take a vigilant police officer to notice a glaringly forged license plate on her silver Kia Rio LX.

LX stands for luxury.

It’s the luxury model of the Kia Rio, which I believe at one point was the cheapest new vehicle you could purchase in America.

I don’t know if that’s still the case, but I don’t see a lot of Kia Rios on the road.

I mean, I see a lot of Kias, but not the Rio model.

Regardless, even if it is super inexpensive, you still have to shell out cash for the license plate.

You gotta register that shit.

The makeshift plate held in place by what seems to be black duct tape, it was really just cheaping out all over the place here, that immediately caught the officer’s attention.

Upon closer inspection, it became evident that the counterfeit plate was a crude imitation, seemingly crafted from a sheet of printer paper.

What’s funny is that even though she used printer paper, she did not use a printer to print out the license plate number.

She wrote that in marker, which did not help when it comes to the look of authenticity.

The plate number drawn by hand with a thick black Sharpie displayed digits that were slightly smaller on the right side, suggesting an on-the-fly adjustment during the illicit creation to accommodate all of the necessary numerals.

In other words, the bitch was running out of space.

So all the numbers and letters got smaller as she got towards the end of the paper.

Not only was the plate a fake, but its tags were also expired.

These were fake tags.

The top right corner of the makeshift plate, where a legitimate registration sticker should be, bore the handwritten date of January, 2023 in Sharpie.

It is most certainly past January, 2023.

The absence of a future date, like January, 2024, raised additional red flags.

The Benicia Police Department, unimpressed by the audacity of the attempt, took to Facebook to share the incident, cautioning the public, “We know we’re not superheroes, but FYI, this is not a way to get one over on us.

” Following the initial discovery at around 1 a.

m.

, the officer promptly looked up the vehicle and uncovered that it had been reported stolen.

Consequently, the driver faced a double whammy of charges, felony possession of a stolen vehicle, ting, and misdemeanor possession of unlawful paraphernalia.

I guess that’s referencing the counterfeit plate.

The arrest proceeded without any incident.

That’s shocking.

No one was shot or murdered over this.

Yes, apparently this all went down without incident.

The apprehended driver was escorted to the Solano County Jail.

The bizarre saga serves as a stark reminder that even the most creatively concocted schemes are no match for the watchful eyes of law enforcement.

Again, I just have to say, the police officer could have been legally blind and he still would have been able to spot that that thing was a fake.

Super obvi.

All right, second story we have for you today in a bizarre incident in Putnam County, Georgia, a man’s peculiar encounter with hallucinogenic mushrooms.

  • I love mushrooms.
  • You apparently aren’t the only one, Vincent Price.

Yes, a man’s peculiar encounter with hallucinogenic mushrooms led to a series of chaotic events.

That’s the type of shit I like to hear.

The weirder, the better.

According to Sheriff Howard Sill, on November 19th, a concerned woman reported that her ex-boyfriend had, in her words, quote, “Basically gone nuts on mushrooms and was causing a disturbance by aggressively interacting.

” (laughs) By aggressively interacting with passing cars.

What an interesting way of saying that.

He was yelling at vehicles.

Law enforcement swiftly responded to the call, converging on a neighborhood near Lake Okeny.

It was there they encountered 47-year-old Jason Pinch, who was walking through the area, pounding vehicles with his fists.

Notably, Pinch was wearing what officers described as a yellow onesie.

It was yellow for a reason.

It was a yellow pajama outfit meant to resemble a chicken.

You can sort of see that in his mugshot, which I so helpfully provided as the chapter artwork.

Yeah, it is most definitely chicken pajamas.

It all kind of makes sense.

You know, you see this guy’s mugshot.

What is he in for?

Well, he was eating mushrooms and he flipped the fuck out.

He’s wearing a chicken costume.

And you’re like, you wouldn’t bat an eye.

Oh, that all checks out.

That’s something someone on mushrooms would be wearing.

Yeah, again, it was a yellow onesie style pajama outfit meant to resemble a chicken.

Undeterred by the arrival of officers, Pinch persisted in his disorderly behavior, extending his aggression even to the patrol car.

Faced with the escalating situation, officers summoned an ambulance and attempted to apprehend Pinch.

Sheriff Sills recounted that during the arrest, Pinch repeatedly questioned the reality of the situation, asking deputies if they were real and if he himself were real.

I wonder if he asked police officers if he was really a chicken.

Can you even understand me?

Am I speaking English or is it coming out all bawk, bawk, bawk?

Even after being taken into custody, Pinch continued to express uncertainty, questioning whether he was at that very moment lying in his hammock at home.

In order to gain control of the situation, officers resorted to using a taser, stunning Pinch into compliance.

Subsequently, he was arrested on charges of disorderly conduct and misdemeanor obstruction of a peace officer.

Pinch has since been released on bond.

Sheriff Sills, reflecting on the peculiar incident, commented, “Why the chicken suit?

” Unfortunately, that would have been the question I asked.

The episode serves as a surreal reminder of the unpredictable outcomes that can arise from the influence of mind-altering substances.

Final story we have for you today.

Back in September, a bunch of animal activists in Pennsylvania released about 8,000 minks into the wild.

These were stolen basically from the Stahl fur farm in Sunbury.

Now, the small Pennsylvania town is still grappling with the aftermath, while concerted efforts have been underway to recapture the minks that occasionally show up in and around town and return them to the fur farm, an undisclosed number of these furry creatures remain at large.

The most recent encounter with a mink occurred on Friday, November 17th, when 49-year-old Jer Kreps observed a brown mink on Cold Run Road in Sunbury.

Concerned for the animal’s well-being, Kreps attempted to intervene as he noticed the mink munching on a plastic Ziploc bag containing food remnants.

The issue was that Jer here noticed that the mink was eating the bag and plastic’s not good for animals.

So as Kreps approached the mink to retrieve the plastic bag, his well-intentioned efforts took an unexpected turn.

The mink, resembling a chubby ferret, according to Kreps, turned around and emitted a scream that Kreps vividly recounted, saying, “That’s the shit of nightmare fuel.

“He started lunging at me, looking at me like, “give me my bag, I wanna eat my fucking bag.

” That’s a direct quote.

“I tried not to kick him, but kick at him “to let him know I’m bigger than you.

“I have a neurological disease “that gives me weak ankles and weak wrists.

“I rolled my ankle because I have weak ankles, “and I fell and I broke my wrist, “all because of that fucking mink.

“I know they told us to stay away from them.

“They’re mean, they don’t wanna be approached by humans.

“But at the same time, I was like, it’s a plastic bag.

“He shouldn’t be eating that.

“Well, I fucked around and I found out, Kreps said.

“I fell over, I broke my wrist like a little kid.

“He went back to his bag.

“And I called my girl and I said, “come get me, my wrist is broken.

” Reflecting on the incident, Kreps offers a word of caution to the residents of Sunbury, specifically ones that run across a mink.

He urged them to quote, “Leave ’em alone.

” He emphasized the potential healthcare costs associated with interacting with the minks and advised against risking injury to assist these cute but unpredictable animals.

He said, “The amount of healthcare costs are ridiculous.

“Don’t go getting yourself hurt “just to help out a cute little fuzzy animal.

” Kreps had surgery for his broken wrist earlier this week.

He’s expected to wear a cast for a duration ranging from 10 to 16 weeks, depending on the healing process.

The Sunbury Animal Hospital had previously issued a warning in September, urging the public not to approach the minks due to their potential for aggression.

Beverly Shaw, a veterinarian and partner at Richard Stahl Fur Farm, emphasized the carnivorous nature of minks and the risk of bites, reinforcing the importance of steering clear of these animals in the interest of safety.

Shaw noted, “You should not approach one if you see one, “especially when cornered, they can be aggressive.

“They’re carnivorous.

” So getting bitten is a possibility.

No one should approach them.

I love that there’s 8,000 of these things on the loose, all thanks to animal activists, vicious little monsters.

All right, there you go.

That, my friends, is your distorted news for Wednesday.

Let’s do a couple of voicemails and get the hell out of here.

All right, you guys know I love to hear from you and there are plenty of ways to contact me.

You can always email me, show@distortedview.

com.

More importantly, we have a voicemail line.

That’s the kind of the whole point of this segment.

Call in 206-666-4463.

I will play your calls eventually.

I’m a little behind on these things.

If you want to jump in front of the line, there’s an easy way to do that.

Just pledge $5 a month over there on our Patreon account, patreon.

com/distortedview.

You’ll get a special voicemail number to call.

I play all of those calls first.

And yes, we’ve got some patrons checking in today.

Yes, caller.

  • Hi, Tim.

How is your butthole doing today?

  • It’s a seven out of 10 day.

There used to be this horoscope line.

You know, when I was doing the show on that 1-800 telephone service, Tell Me, one of the big draws was a horoscope thing.

You would say like what your astrological sign was, like Leo, and then they would give you a reading or they’d tell you what your day was gonna be like.

And it would always start off with, it’s a seven out of 10 day, or it’s a nine out of 10 day.

Well, when it comes to my butthole, I’m never over an eight.

Now, to be fair, I have not taken a bowel movement today.

So I don’t know exactly what that number is, but it feels like a seven out of 10 day.

  • Anyway, I made it through Thanksgiving without having any sort of police involvement or breakdown, so that’s great.
  • You didn’t have to invoke your name to the police.
  • No fighting with the family or anything, that’s a win.
  • Today’s show was very interesting.

That lady, that crazy lady who thinks that everything is changing, it’s fucking infuriating.

Bitches, know it all, bitches think they know everything.

And then Tamir, you know, it’s funny, I didn’t think Tamir was gonna look the way that I thought.

  • Yeah, he’s got like a full face, like a round face, huh?
  • But I’m not surprised, I feel like every– – I think he’s overweight.

Now, you only ever really see his face, but I think he’s mentioned that he needs to lose a few pounds.

I’d like to see all of Tamir.

  • Call me stereotype people, but I swear to God, people who look like that, like the, I don’t know, just that whole persona and look, you know, they think they’re like large and in charge, I don’t know, fuck it, I don’t know.

I’m just rambling, but I love you and– – I mean, Tamir is a very angry person.

I don’t think he believes he’s large and in charge though.

I mean, he’s very open about his micro penis.

  • Yeah, let’s have a great week here.
  • All right, thank you very much for the call.

Let’s do a couple more here.

  • Can you careless fairy, do you really only have the king hat on your store?

What happened to the DB logo trucker castle?

  • I am not happy about the hat situation.

It’s a very sore topic right now.

The company that I use for the merchandise got rid of all the embroidery options.

They took, it’s insane to me that they did this because all year they were selling this stuff.

And then I don’t know, maybe October or beginning of November, they stopped offering basically all hats except for one style of hat that is just like printed on, like the ting hat.

Winter beanies are all gone.

I was so angry about that.

I’m a big hat wearer.

So like I wear like the embroidered, like DV winter beanies and baseball caps and stuff.

So I was not happy about the situation and it came at a horrible time ’cause I was getting ready to launch the DV store.

So I tried to find an alternative company.

So at first I thought, well, I’m just gonna have them do all of the merchandise, you know, like all the t-shirts.

It ended up being so much work to switch over all of the designs, all of the products to this like new company.

So then I thought, okay, well, I’ll just do the hats with this one company.

And so I ordered, I should show you, I’ll take a picture of the crap that was sent to me.

I got some samples of a hat.

The actual hats themselves are cool.

They’re like, they’re beanies, but they have like this cool, like waffle, I don’t know what they call it, like a waffle texture.

It’s one of the kinds of hats.

Anyway, the issue was the embroidery.

It looked like absolute asshole.

Ultimately it’s my fault.

You know, the new DV logo is very intricate.

For some reason, the last company I worked with though, they were able to make it work and the logo looked good, this new company.

The, like in the, you know, the DV logo has that grin, right, with teeth.

The area where the teeth are supposed to be, it’s all black.

It looks so bizarre.

I tried a few different ways to print them.

I kept ordering these samples, nothing looked good.

So I said, fuck it, we’re not doing hats this year.

Rather than printing up DV logos with meth mouth.

Like this is a smile that’s all black.

Now the good news is the company that I use is, just emailed me and said, “We’re thinking about bringing back embroidery.

” And they had me like fill out a survey.

So I’m hoping, you know, eventually we’ll offer hats and stuff again.

I’m sorry, this is kind of a long winded answer, but it, I know it upsets you.

You’re angry that hats are not available, but I’m 10 times as mad.

As soon as embroidered hats are available again, I will be including them in the store.

  • Jimmy Boo, it’s DJ C.

Just calling to tell you I love you, but I’m getting pissed off.

But I just wanted to know, are you sticking ads in the first segment of the podcast?

  • Yeah, someone called about this yesterday saying ads were popping up in the podcast.
  • ‘Cause everything- – It’s not something that I am doing, but it is something that I enabled with the company that is serving up the show, like that’s hosting the MP3 files.

And the idea, at least in my mind, I thought the way I thought it was supposed to work is the ads are supposed to play at the beginning of the show.

Now I’ve heard that the ads are appearing in the middle of the program and they’re not finessing it so it fits in seamless.

Like it happens in the middle of something I’m saying.

  • Every time, not every time, but the past like week or two, three out of the five shows, three out of the, you know, four out of the- – Yeah, probably the non-Sideshow exclusive episodes.
  • Four or five.

I have had an ad almost at the end of the first segment, sometimes in the middle of the first segment where usually you’re just BSing, sometimes right at the end.

And I don’t know if it’s you, Beyond Pod, or this fucking Tesla, but someone is sticking an ad in there and it’s pissing me off.

It’s an ad about another podcast, which, listen, I get it.

You’re trying to get that ad money, I understand.

Go for it, Timmy Boo.

You the man, get that money, get that cheddar.

But the ad is just killing me.

It’s in the weirdest spots every time.

  • All right, listen, I am gonna take care of this situation.

I’m gonna turn off ads because I don’t want it to be annoying.

Well, I mean, all ads are kind of annoying, right?

But it needs to be in a spot that makes sense.

It can’t be in the middle of one of my words, like a sentence or something.

That’s crazy.

So there is a way I can designate a specific area where I want ads to be placed.

If it’s going to happen in the middle of the show, it’s just more work on my part.

The problem is I never know when we’re gonna get a sponsor, right?

It’s very random.

And to go through every single episode and designate a specific point where ads can be played, it’s like not worth it most of the time because 90% of the time there are no ads for other things, aside from the stuff I’m plugging.

But I definitely get your point.

That is annoying.

I would be annoyed by it as well.

So I’m gonna go ahead and turn off those ads for the time being.

I’m not making tons off of this, so it’s like no sweat off my sack.

Ultimately, I’d rather you guys have a pleasant listening experience than me make a few bucks off of some shittily placed ads.

All right, so hopefully you won’t hear that anymore in the next day or two, that’ll stop.

That is all the time we have on this edition of the program.

I want you guys to email me, show@distortedview.com.

Distortedview.com is our official website.

Voicemail line for you, 206-666-4463.

That’s 206-66, OH GOD is in:

  • I don’t have kitty milk.
  • Spread the distortion.

STD, tell all your friends about the show.

Don’t forget to give us a five-star rating, a thumbs up or like wherever you can rate and review podcasts.

Tomorrow’s episode is going to be sideshow exclusive.

I hope you’ve signed up.

If not, do it right now so you don’t miss a thing.

Otherwise, I’ll see you back on Friday.

Until then, have a great day.

Bye, everybody.

(upbeat music) ♪ Diabetes, diabetes, diabetes, diabetes, diabetes ♪ ♪ Diabetes, diabetes, diabetes, diabetes, diabetes ♪ ♪ Testing supplies ♪ – This has been another excellent podcast from the Scrod Media Group.

Learn more at scrod.net.

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September 14, 2010By Tim

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