Cart updating

ShopsvgYour cart is currently is empty. You could visit our shop and start shopping.


Champagne Pussies And Caviar Cunts

October 25, 202360 min read

On Today’s Show:

00:00:00:00.00Today’s Sponsor: Use PROMO CODE: FREAK @ AdamAndEve.Com – 50% Off!
00:01:56:10.33 Introduction
00:03:45:03.42 Try To Refrain From Acting Like Olds Online
00:09:58:00.17 Cool Breeze, Fresh Air, And Other Smells Coming From Your Vagina
00:13:42:03.29 A Mumble Mouth Moron With A Questionable Past
00:18:18:16.76 The Gay Satellite Man Keeps Stealing Hermaphrodite Eggs
00:21:17:11.63 The Old Chicken Nugget / Biscuit McSwitch-A-Roo
00:27:15:03.72 Become A Sideshow Member Today!
00:29:23:08.33 The Shroomin’ Pilot Who Tried To Disable Jet Engines
00:33:01:07.29 In A Financial Pinch, Use An Ambulance As An Uber
00:36:25:10.19 Drunk Man Forgets Where He Left Child
00:39:13:17.75Voicemails: 206-666-4463 / Ending

Important Show Stuff:

Call In To The Voicemail Line: 206-666-4463

Support Distorted View – Check out our Patreon page

Get Exclusive Episodes EVERY WEEK! Become a member of The Distorted View Sideshow!

Transcript (AI Transcription – accuracy not guaranteed)

Today’s episode of Distorted View Daily is brought to you by AdamandEve.

com, purveyors of fine, handcrafted artisanal objects to cram in various fuckholes since 1970.

Okay, I don’t think they’re handcrafted, but because artisanal has no legal definition, these sex toys are totally artisanal.

The widest selection of dildos, vibrators, and butt plugs have made Adam and Eve the number one adult toy superstore, but there’s so much more than that.

Visit AdamandEve.

com for perfume and cologne, lingerie, underwear for men, movies, bondage wear, and necessities like condoms, lube, and something called coochie aftershave.

For a limited time just for Distorted View listeners, get 50% off just about any item when you use promo code FREAK at checkout.

That’s F-R-E-A-K.

Half off any one item is an amazing deal on its own, but we’re just getting started, baby.

Hold on to your King Dong dildo, which is also the name of another real product AdamandEve.

com sells, because here we go.

Select almost any one item for 50% off, and then Adam and Eve loads you up with an awesome selection of free stuff.

Enter offer code FREAK at checkout and get 10 free gifts, a sexy item for him, a special gift for her, and a third item I think you’ll both enjoy, plus six free spicy movies and free shipping on your entire order.

Let’s recap.

Get 50% off just about any item, plus 10 free gifts, including six free movies and free shipping.

Just remember to use coupon code FREAK, F-R-E-A-K, at AdamandEve.


Hey, freaks.

It’s Wednesday, October 25th, 2023.

Coming up on the program today, the vaginal odor that reminds you of summertime cookouts and seaside breezes, plus poached human hermaphrodite eggs, and we’ve secretly switched one man’s chicken nuggets with a biscuit.

We’ll see if he loses his goddamn mind.

Distorted View Daily proudly presents Brian’s Drunk Confession.

Hi, I’m Brian.

And, yeah, I’m a little bit drunk.

But I want to show you my big, fat, nasty ass in a thong.

And I hope you like it.

You know, this is who I am, you know?

Yeah, I’m a big, fat guy.

You know, I’m wearing a thong.

So what?

You know, I mean, why should women have all the fun?

You know, sometimes when I wear a thong, sometimes I like to fart.

You know, that’s pretty damn sexy, I think.

See you later.

Distorted View Daily presents.



A special appearance by Tim Hanson.

Yes, Tim back here with you for the Wednesday episode of TV.

Have a good one for you today.

You know, it’s so funny how quickly we turn into the thing that we make fun of the most, which is our parents.

Old people.

Most can’t even see that it’s happening.

You know, one day we’re making fun of our parents for saying shit like, you know, back in my day, we didn’t have calculators and computers giving us the answers to all of our math problems.

We actually had to use our brains.

And now, like, you know, people our age are lecturing kids about payphones.

Yeah, if you were out of the house, you couldn’t just text or call someone.

You actually had to go find a phone and put money in it to call someone.

And if they were already talking to someone, you’d get a busy signal.

There would be no way to communicate with them.

And you know, kids don’t give a shit.

They’re like, great, thanks, Gramps.

Cool story, I guess.

The thing I’m seeing more and more online is the oldness creeping into social media.

So I belong to a bunch of like Gen X and Xenial groups because I’m a nostalgia whore.

You know, people post amusing things about, you know, movies and television shows that we grew up with, just, you know, talking about that.

And that’s kind of interesting.

People will occasionally post a picture that will unlock a memory deep in the bowels of my brain, which is kind of fun.

But the issue I’m having with these groups is really in the comments.

We’ve apparently hit that age where the crotchety gene is activated.

Like someone posted a picture of like all these old little Debbie snack cakes.

And the comments were like, nothing tastes good anymore.

It’s all the crap.

They’re putting into our food, all the bioengineered ingredients.

And it’s like, Linda, you’re fucking 45 years old now.

The reason why food doesn’t taste the same anymore is because you’re not the same.

Your body is starting to rot and decay.

Stuff never tastes as good as it does when you’re a child.

I’m sure they’ve replaced ingredients and it might taste a little different.

I don’t know.

But the reason why you’re bitching and complaining about the taste is because for the last 25 years, you’ve been chain smoking.

Your taste buds are shot, you stupid cunt.

Then there are always these posts, you know, like posing questions.

What’s one thing that you had during your childhood that kids today don’t have?

You know, people are like, oh, my buddy dolls, game boys.

You know, they talk about things that they had growing up with.

And then inevitably there’s, you know, that one bitch who’s like common sense.

That’s something that kids are lacking today.

And it’s like, wow, way to suck the fun out of this.

I mean, sure, it’s true.

But like that is such an old person thing to say, right?

Someone will share with the group a bunch of albums they have and say this is back when music was real music instead of mumbling and rapping.

And the albums are showing off or like Bon Jovi, War and Cherry Pie.

And it’s like, OK, it’s cool.

You like that music.

But I’m going to say that there’s even today there’s better music than Bon Jovi.

I mean, you guys know me.

I am.

I’m a very bitchy person.

I complain about everything.

For some reason, this is a pet peeve of mine.

I am fighting with every fiber of my being the urge to go the complete boomer route and start shitting on young people because their childhood experience is different than what mine was.

I feel like out of all the current generations that are still alive, the people in my group should be the most understanding because we were there when there was like this huge shift from an analog life to living an entirely digital life, you know, having the Internet.

I mean, that happened when I was a teenager.


So I was growing up with that.

Like, we should totally understand that not everything is going to stay the same fucking forever.

We’re not going to be using pay phones and renting VHS tapes at Blockbuster are forever.

You know, things change.

Roll with the punches, assholes.

Likewise, in many ways, I don’t like this.

We live in a much kinder, gentler society where we have to, like, take people’s feelings into consideration and shit.

You know, we’re always concerned with minority groups.

So, you know, we’re a more progressive society and that’s what kids are growing up with.

It’s just it’s different.

There’s no point in being an old lady online about things.

I don’t like the way things are now.

People aren’t acting and doing the same things I did when I was a little girl.

It’s wrong and it stinks.

We didn’t have fancy toys.

I had a wooden doll.

And if you wanted entertainment, you had to gather around the radio.

And the only time the radio station would come in would be at night.

So we could only listen at 9 p.


Otherwise, it was like fucking static.

Like, oh, OK, yeah, that sounds great.

This is what you want to get back to.

This is what we need.

That’s what’s wrong with society.

It’s always that’s what’s wrong with society because things aren’t the way they were back in the fucking 1970s or 60s or whatever, when it was a utopia.

It was a shithole back then.

The whole world was it was a disaster.

Take off those rose tinted bifocals, you old crow.

By the way, I know you think everything after 1975 has been the worst, but LASIK eye surgery was popularized in the 1990s.

You can fix those papers up right quick.

And don’t forget about all the new heart disease and diabetes medication keeping you alive.


I apologize.

I digress.

We’re getting all worked up.

That’s what happens when I get on Facebook.

Those fucking Facebook groups.

All right.

Listen, I have a bunch of great audio to share with you today.

I am, of course, a sucker for commercial jingles and full bloom songs advertising a product.

Talk about memories being unlocked.

I recently ran across one of these things and it kind of rubs me the wrong way, as a lot of things do.

This is a commercial for summer’s Eve douche, which, of course, is a product for stinky pussies.

You know, if you’ve got a yeast infection or something’s bubbling down there, something’s not so fresh, you know, you wash.

You’re not supposed to need summer’s Eve.

Like if you douche a bunch, chances are, you know, you’ve got something funky donkey going on downstairs and you should really see a doctor.

But OK, maybe occasionally you want to pamper your snatch.

Maybe it’s like, I don’t know, your anniversary or something, and you want your man pleasantly surprised.

So you pick up some summer’s Eve feminine wash.

I’m dreaming of summer, cool breeze, fresh air.

Right there.

Two seconds in.

I can’t handle this.

This woman is imagining a summer breeze, the smells of the season, because those odors are emanating from her twat after she douches.

Thanks to summer’s Eve, I can sniff summer scents all the time.

I just have to bend down, you know, and inhale my crotch.

I’m dreaming of summer, cool breeze, fresh air.

When I want that feeling, summer’s Eve takes me there.

It’s clean, fresh feeling, keeps the good times on my mind.

That is so much pressure to put on your pussy.

Look, I’ve been so depressed.

I just want to remember the good times.

Vagina, I’m turning to you.

You’re my only hope.

I’ve got a fucking knife up to my throat and I’m willing to slit it.

I’m going to end it all unless you give me what I need.

Queef up some precious memories.

I need that breeze wafting up to my nostrils.

This is not standard vaginal odor.

Bring back the freshness.

Cool, clean summertime breezes.

I don’t associate that with pussies.

Maybe if you describe the scent as a Rhode Island coastal seascape complete with brackish waters containing fish and mollusks infusing the ocean with a briny, salty stink, then I could buy it.

That’s more believable.

Cool, clean feeling of summer anytime.

It’s summer’s Eve.

It’s clean, fresh feeling, keeps the good times on my mind.

Summer’s Eve brings me back to my old self.

Cool, clean, fresh feeling, keeps the good times on my mind.

Summer’s Eve brings back freshness anytime.

Now there you go, that’s how summer’s Eve was advertised in the 80s.

Gotta say, it’s better than how douches were advertised in the 1970s.

Many women prefer using a douche to clean out their vagina.

Yeah, clean out your vagina with douches.

Many fine commercially prepared douches are now on the market.

There are concentrate or powder douches, which when mixed with warm water have a deodorizing and cleansing effect on the vagina.

Also many types of flavored and scented douches.

Concentrates can be purchased through mail order houses.

The flavors and scents range from peach nectar, raspberry, and tutti frutti to champagne and even honey.

It’s like the lifestyles of the rich and famous between your legs.

Clean pussies and caviar cunts.

Better than Summer Sea Scallops or whatever the hell Summer’s Eve was advertising in that commercial.

Anyway, let’s move on from douches.

We’ve got a potential new TickTard here, courtesy of DV listener and Discord user Slapobags.

Slapobag knows I’m a sucker for mush mouth idiots.

The bigger the speech impediment, the harder I fall for them.

I’m going to turn this over to you guys and ask you, can you figure out?

Can you decipher what he’s saying here?

Apple butter dildo, apple butter dildo, apple butter dildo, apple butter dildo.

Apple butter dildo.

Did they update that phonetic alphabet without telling me?

Pretty sure it used to be Alpha Bravo Charlie Delta.

I think I do like apple butter dildo better.

No, he’s not saying that.

Let’s listen again closely here.

Apple butter dildo, apple butter dildo, apple butter dildo, apple butter dildo.

Dildo or dildo work.

I hope of a good one.

I don’t know a lot of what he’s saying, but I did manage to figure out he’s saying he’s not saying alpha butter dildo or whatever.

He’s saying happy birthday.

Apple butter dildo.

Happy birthday.

Apple butter dildo.

Happy birthday to.

Oh, happy birthday to you.

He’s singing the song.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, dear.

Apple butter dildo.

Happy birthday to apple butter dildo.

Here’s another video.

I’m going to give you a clue here.

I’m going to give you a clue.

No more bullshit.

When Jack Rebney, I’m going to give you a little clue here.

What he’s talking about.

He’s holding up a bottle of iced tea.

I’m going to take it and go.

OK, does anyone want to take a guess what this guy was saying?

Let’s listen to this again.

I’m going to take it and go.

And it’s referring to the tea he has in his hand.

I’m going to take it and go.

OK, time’s up.

What he’s saying here is he’s giving himself a bit of a challenge.

He says, I’m going to drink this in under 60 seconds.


I’m going to take it and go.

All right.

He’s going to town there.

I’m going to take it and go.

For some reason, I think I got that one.

He’s saying it’s too cold to chug.

This video is only 55 seconds long and it appears he finishes.

I did it.

So he wins.

Don’t forget to work on power.

I think that’s don’t forget to like and follow.

I truly am the tard whisperer here.

Now, what’s very interesting is occasionally when he has something very important that he wants to say, he will not attempt to speak it.

Instead, he uses text to speech.

And that’s where we learn this little piece of information.

I just need to address this.


When I was 13 years old, I made a lot of bad mistakes.

One of them being the touch a nine year old girl.

I did not molest her.

Molest means to fuck.

I didn’t do that.

I just touched her.


First of all, molest does not mean to fuck.

Apparently that text to speech program you’re using doesn’t have a built in dictionary.

The thing I don’t get is like, how did this even come up where he has to respond and apologize?

The dude is like 37 years old now.

So this is ancient history.

This happened long before the internet or, you know, tick tock was around.

He must have talked about it in one of his videos.

Although even if he did talk about it, how the fuck are you going to understand what he’s saying?

I’m a 99 and I’m 99 and I’m a man and I’m a pussy and I’m a man and I sniffed it.

And they’re like, what?

Most people wouldn’t even be able to decipher that.

I mean, I can because I’m the tard whisperer.

By the way, shame on you.

Sniffing your fingers afterwards.

Gross man.

Here’s one more video where he, you know, he actually speaks.

I’ve got a new pudding up on my time.

I’m a dude.

What did you do?


Oh no.

We’ve got dueling mush mouths here.

You totally need to hook this guy up with big Samuda.

What a power couple they would make.

And by that, I mean they sound like power tools when they speak.

Like leaf blowers.

All right, let’s move on.

Oh, I do have a tick Tard or Utah update for you.

For some reason, Tony has been very active.

He’s the guy that thinks satellites are making his teeth rotten.


There’s a satellite man pointing satellites at this poor guy’s head rotten out his teeth, but there’s so much more to Tony than just that.

Like in this most recent video and this, these satellite controllers have tried to make up lies about genetics and these people was trying to steal my genetics.

They were trying to steal my teeth.

They were trying to steal my blood and sperm and my hermaphrodite egg eggs.

You know, these people, and they must get prosecuted for poaching.

That sounds good.

Doesn’t it?

They could just poach hermaphrodite eggs, drizzle a little hollandaise sauce on that, fry up some lady boy, dick sausage, and baby, you got a breakfast going there.

And I have not received any lawsuit monies.

And you know, these people was trying to see if they could drive me crazy.

Some say they succeeded in that.

Now, you may remember last time I featured Tony, I pointed out something that I thought was a bit odd that was posted on his wall, not the man, which rapper nor the sweet and low rapper.

I mean, that shit is art.

Of course, the man, which rapper deserves to be framed and put on a wall.

No, he has a ballet poster, which I thought was kind of strange.

It is huge ballet poster of someone by the name of Misty Copeland.

Apparently he’s under the impression that he has dated many supermodels and ballerinas.

And the only reason he can’t get one of these girls now is because you guessed it.

That’s satellite man.

I’m not sure which girls claim to be with me.

I’m not sure which ballerina girls or rhythmic gymnastic girls or or whichever girl wants to get in contact with me.

But these government gay men are blocking me from having female relations.

And that is a crime.

It sounds like the satellite man, the man in control of the satellites, is gay and in love with Tony.

He doesn’t want Tony to be fucking around with a woman.


Satellite man wants Tony for himself.

That’s my theory.

I mean, this is a romcom just waiting to happen.

It even says on court documents that the government blocks me from having a girlfriend.

The government can get prosecuted.

I’ve received any lawsuit monies yet.

These gay men are living their gay lifestyles, having their gay parties, and they’re trying to make my life miserable by blocking me from having a girlfriend and their activity of spying on me for their sexual fetishes and torturing me.

Yeah, gays are the fucking worst.

I’ve been saying this for years.

They must get prosecuted for every goddamn violation that can be found on these people in any fucking way.

I mean, I’m including myself there.

I totally expect a court summons in the mail real soon.

I am shaking in my fabulous gay boots.

Finally, now, before we get into the news, I’ve got an altercation that took place at a McDonald’s right before closing time.

The employees apparently told this guy as he was entering that the store is closed.

They are no longer making any food and they tried to shut the door behind him.

He did not care for that at all.

Let me tell you, call the police.

Motherfucker, you hit my baby with that door, bitch.

Fuck that.

By the way, I’m assuming this is a guy.

It could be a woman.

You hit my baby with that door.

Hit my baby with that door again, I’m gonna beat your ass.

Now how about that, bitch?

Don’t you motherfucking hit my baby with that door again.

I’m gonna beat your ass.

Now how about that, bitch?

Don’t you motherfucking hit my baby with that door again.

I’m gonna beat your ass.

Now how about that, bitch?

Don’t you motherfucking hit my baby with that door again.

I’m gonna beat your ass.

Now how about that, bitch?

Don’t you motherfucking hit my baby with that door again.

I’m gonna beat your ass.

Now how about that, bitch?

Don’t you motherfucking hit my baby with that door again.

I’m gonna beat your ass.

Now how about that, bitch?

Don’t you motherfucking hit my baby with that door again.

I’m gonna beat your ass.

Now how about that, bitch?

Don’t you motherfucking hit my baby with that door again.

I’m gonna beat your ass.

Now how about that, bitch?

Don’t you motherfucking hit my baby with that door again.

I’m gonna beat your ass.

Now how about that, bitch?

Don’t you motherfucking hit my baby with that door again.

I’m gonna beat your ass.

Now how about that, bitch?

Don’t you motherfucking hit my baby with that door again.

I’m gonna beat your ass.

Now how about that, bitch?

Don’t you motherfucking hit my baby with that door again.

I’m gonna beat your ass.

Now how about that, bitch?

Don’t you motherfucking hit my baby with that door again.

I’m gonna beat your ass.

Now how about that, bitch?

Don’t you motherfucking hit my baby with that door again.

I’m gonna beat your ass.

Now how about that, bitch?

Don’t you motherfucking hit my baby with that door again.

I’m gonna beat your ass.

Now how about that, bitch?

Don’t you motherfucking hit my baby with that door again.

I’m gonna beat your ass.

Now how about that, bitch?

Don’t you motherfucking hit my baby with that door again.

I’m gonna beat your ass.

Now how about that, bitch?

Don’t you motherfucking hit my baby with that door again.

I’m gonna beat your ass.

Now how about that, bitch?

Don’t you motherfucking hit my baby with that door again.

I’m gonna beat your ass.

Now how about that, bitch?

Don’t you motherfucking hit my baby with that door again.

I’m gonna beat your ass.

Now how about that, bitch?

Don’t you motherfucking hit my baby with that door again.

I’m gonna beat your ass.

Now how about that, bitch?

Don’t you motherfucking hit my baby with that door again.

I’m gonna beat your ass.

Now how about that, bitch?

Don’t you motherfucking hit my baby with that door again.

I’m gonna beat your ass.

Now how about that, bitch?

Don’t you motherfucking hit my baby with that door again.

I’m gonna beat your ass.

Now how about that, bitch?

Don’t you motherfucking hit my baby with that door again.

I’m gonna beat your ass.

Now how about that, bitch?

that man.

I’m gonna show you something.

Y’all can do what, call the police?

Do whatever the fuck y’all need.

I don’t want that.

I ain’t seen y’all make that.

I ain’t seen y’all make that.

I don’t trust these nuggets.

Fuck n’ all.

Oh yeah, employees are coming out with actual nuggets now.

That chip has sailed.

I’m with this guy.

I would not trust those nuggets.

I don’t trust y’all right now.

I don’t want no motherfuckin’ nuggets.

I don’t want them.

Put em back.

I want my fucking money back.

I don’t want no nuggets from y’all bitch.

Y’all just put a motherfuckin’ bitch in my shit.

Think it’s funny?

I don’t want no motherfuckin’ nuggets bitch.

To be honest, it is kind of funny.

How about that?

There’s another cut and I can’t tell if he’s actually back in the McDonald’s or not.

I can’t imagine they would let him in.

I don’t want nothing.

Give me my motherfuckin’ money.

And I’m not playing with y’all.

You know, damn well I had no business.

That was $14.

What is this?

$14 for 10 nuggets?

You’re nasty.

I ain’t got no problem with you because I don’t think it was you.

I don’t think it was you.

I don’t think it was you.

But you, I don’t know about you, but not you either.

Where that little fat bitch at?

Where the fat hoe?

Not you, not you.

Where the fat bitch at?

You fat bitch.

You better hide hoe.

Yeah, somehow he got back into the McDonald’s.

You want your manager to suck my dick you dirty body bitches?

Fuck you hoe.

What you say?

You nasty bitches.

Now pay the food again bitch.

And guess what hoe?

You lose your job and that fat bitch, bad body bitch lose her job with you.

You stay bitch.

I recorded it.

Fat body bitch.

I do like the sounds of that.

She getting fired and that little fat bitch over there, wherever she at.

Well, ultimately it looks like he got his refund.

I think they just like threw money at him or something.

I noticed that fat bodied bitch kept her distance though.

She must’ve been the mastermind behind the whole chicken nugget biscuit switcheroo.

All right.

And with that, let’s get into the crazy bizarre twist of the Fucked Up News right now.

The number one way to help out the podcast and ensure that it continues on for a long, long time.

Well, that’s to become a member of the side show.

When you sign up, you gain access to the archive of shows.

More importantly, every week I do brand new exclusive programs just for sideshow members.

These sideshow exclusive episodes typically occur on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

That means yesterday’s episode was sideshow exclusive and I’ll be doing another one tomorrow.

Now remember, if you sign up through the website over there at superfreaksideshow.

com, you get a personalized RSS feed that you can plug into most podcasting apps that you might use like Overcast, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts is another one.

As long as they work well with like password protected feeds or premium feeds that accept usernames and passwords should work with the sideshow pretty well.

Now, if you use Apple Podcasts or Spotify to listen to DB, there’s another way to sign up.

It’s even easier.

You can sign up right in those apps.

So you get onto Spotify, look for distorted view.

You can see where you can sign up for sideshow access right in the app.

Bing bang boom, couple of taps.

You’ll see the sideshow exclusive episodes right alongside the free episodes in your feed.

Same deal with Apple Podcasts.

For more information on all the ways to sign up distortedview.

com and superfreaksideshow.


Those are the websites to check out.

One final way to help support DB.

We’ve got a Patreon account, patreon.

com slash distorted view.

You can pledge as little as a dollar over there.

Every little bit helps.

And if you pledge $5, you get access to a special voicemail line.

And I play those calls first and kind of like jump to the front of the line in the voicemail.

So typically I’m at least a month or two or three or four behind on voicemails.

If you want to hear your call on the same day or the next day, Oh, pledge five bucks over there.



It really does help me out.

Thank you so much to all my patrons and of course, sideshow members.

You are the reason I’m able to continue doing this show.

All right.

Three very quick stories.

Now, first up, you may have heard about a story involving a pilot who decided to turn off the engines to the plane while in the air, which typically you don’t want to do.

If you want to remain alive, engines are very important to the continued operation of jet planes.

In case you didn’t know, I understand.

We’re not all pilots.

We don’t know the minutia of operating these things.

The off duty pilot facing 83 attempted murder charges after he allegedly tried to shut off the engines of a plane mid flight on Saturday night, admitted to taking psychedelic mushrooms.

New arrest documents claim, Hey, guess who loves mushrooms?

Ladies and gentlemen, your pilot for this nonstop flight to groovy town will be Mr.

Vincent Price.

I love mushrooms.

Oh, we’re going on a trip, baby.

Joseph David Emerson, 44, was riding in the cockpit of the plane as an authorized occupant when he unsuccessfully attempted to disrupt the operation of the plane.

So he wasn’t even really the pilot.

I mean, he was a pilot, but he was not piloting this plane, nor was he piloting the pussy.

All right.

In an official complaint, Emerson is stated to have been sitting in the cockpit’s jump seat when, after chatting with pilots for several minutes, suddenly said, I’m not OK, man, before pulling the handles off the fire suppression system, which are used to stop engine fires and shut off fuel to the engines.

One of the pilots grabbed Emerson while the other declared an in-flight emergency.

He initially resisted, but records say he finally settled down after a 30 second struggle.

Court documents state Emerson wasn’t able to fully pull down the handles and fully shut off the engines.

If he had, then it would have shut down the hydraulics and the fuel to the engine, turning the aircraft into a glider within seconds.

Witnesses said Emerson peacefully walked to the back of the plane.

Sorry, guys.

My bad.

I’m tripping balls over here.

It’s cool.

You have a lovely family.

Enjoy your vacation.

Once seated in the back, he reportedly told a flight attendant, you need to cuff me right now or it’s going to be bad.

They put his wrists in a pair of flex cuffs.

Once the airplane made an emergency landing at the Portland International Airport, Port of Portland Police put Emerson under arrest.

During a police interview, Emerson said he was having a nervous breakdown and hadn’t slept for 40 hours.

He also felt dehydrated and tired.

He admitted to pulling the handles and said he did it because I thought I was dreaming and I just wanted to wake up.

Yeah, I’ve done, you know, we’ve talked about this here on the show.

I’ve done stuff like that when I was, you know, dreaming and I wanted to wake up.

You jump off a building or shoot yourself in the head or something in a dream.

I mean, that could go horribly wrong if you miscalculate if you’re like this guy and you merely think you’re dreaming.

You know, I thought I was dreaming and I just want to wake up.

The officer in Emerson talked about the use of psychedelic mushrooms and Emerson said it was his first time taking the shrooms.

The U.


Attorney’s Office, District of Oregon said Emerson is also facing a federal charge of interfering with flight crew members and attendants.

He faces more than 160 state charges.

Holy shit.

Including attempted murder and reckless endangerment.

In the documents, arresting officers stated that at one point Emerson said that he, quote, tried to kill everybody.

That about sums it up nicely, I guess.

All right.

Second story we have for you today.

A man has been jailed for spitting on a paramedic.

I mean, these charges seem quaint compared to that last news story.

I mean, that dude’s dealing with 160 state charges, not to mention all the other federal shit going on.

We’re trying to murder people in the air by shutting up jet engines.

You spit on someone.

I mean, that’s like, what, a fine?

Pay the 50 bucks or do the community service.

Why is this news?

A man has been jailed for spitting on a paramedic after failing to grab a lift home in an ambulance.

Christian Monreal, 28, called the equivalent to a 911 over there in England, which is 999.

So he called 999, you know, the emergency line and claim that he had been stabbed outside of a supermarket in Warwickshire in the early hours of April 13th.

But here’s the thing.

He wasn’t stabbed.

He just like didn’t want to walk home.

It’s super late.

He was tired.

He didn’t have money for an Uber or something.


So could an ambulance just come and take him home?

I mean, honestly, if you think about it, it is kind of a medical emergency.

His feet were tired.

He could barely pick them up.

He was shuffling.

He was shuffling down the street.

Paramedics raced to the scene.

But when they arrived, he admitted that he was completely uninjured.

I would have at least tried to make it seem like something was going on.

Like, oh, I thought I was shot.

Apparently, it just missed me.

I do have a rather bothersome hangnail or better yet, blame it on an ingrown toenail.

You can’t expect a man to walk home with a with a bad ingrown toenail like that.


He said he called 999 because he wanted a lift home.

But when the ambulance crew refused, he spat on the paramedic.

He was promptly arrested on suspicion of assaulting an emergency worker.

And while he was searched, police found three buds of cannabis.

Monreal was taken into police custody.

But later that day, he smashed up his cell and spat at a custody officer.

I don’t even know how you smash up your prison cell.

Do they come like completely furnished in England?

Are they basically like efficiency apartments?

Prison is just like so much better overseas.

All right.

So he trashed his cell and spat on another officer.

After his release from custody, he received treatment at the George Eliot Hospital and was discharged on April 23rd.

So this happened a while ago when he refused to leave the hospital.

Security was called and he became aggressive to staff.

He was escorted off site, but he became abusive and flicked a lit cigarette at one of the guards causing a burn on her neck.

Monreal appeared at Warwick Crown Court on October 11th, where he was jailed for six months.

The attorney said, clearly there are issues that Monreal must work through.

Ultimately, he is a danger to others and the courts have found him to be fit to take responsibility for his actions.

The fact that Monreal feels he is entitled to abuse police staff, paramedics and NHS staff is seriously concerning.

We absolutely welcome this sentence.

I hope it serves as a warning to others.

Attack the people who work day and night to keep you safe and you will be locked up.

Final story we have for you today.

Let’s return back to the greatest country in the world, the US of A.

A Connecticut father who reported his child missing after a supermarket visit.

Let me guess, the child wasn’t missing and you just wanted a ride home.

Same shit, different country.

This man was arrested Monday because cops found out that he was actually just intoxicated and in fact left his kid at home.

That’s why he couldn’t find him.

He wasn’t missing.

I mean, ultimately the child was probably safer being left at home.

Colby Parker, 30, called police at around 8.

18pm, frantic, to report his child missing from his car parked outside the Price Chopper.

One of my favorite names for a grocery store.

A Price Chopper.

This happened just east of Hartford, Connecticut.

He said he had gone into the store and left the child in his vehicle, but they were missing on his return.

That sparked a mass search involving Connecticut State Police Troopers, supermarket staff and local police departments.

Basically just a colossal waste of time.

Canine teams were even called in.

They arrived on the scene and local residents were alerted.

Can we get an Amber Alert over here?

Alright, so yes, staff from the supermarket then reviewed closed circuit television footage.

At this point they discovered that Parker had made two trips to the store that evening.

I wonder if like one trip was with the kid and then he completely forgot that he came home and went back.

On the first visit, yes, he was accompanied by a child.

But the second time around it was just Parker, probably looking to buy more alcohol, right?

At around 9.

12pm, troopers arrived at the child’s home, you know, just to see what was going on.

The child was found there safe and well.

Officers asked Parker to participate in a standardized field sobriety test, which were not performed to standard.

That means he failed the sobriety tests.

Further investigation revealed that Parker was unaware that the child had not traveled with him to the store on the second trip.

The child was handed over to a family member while Parker was arrested and later charged.

He faces four alleged offenses, including operation of a motor vehicle under the influence of alcohol and drugs, reckless endangerment in the second degree, risk of injury to a child, and breach of peace in the second degree.

That last one got a Richard Simmons ting.

Alright, there you go, that my friends is your distorted news for Wednesday.

Let’s do a couple voicemails and get the hell out of here.

Alright guys, love to hear from you freaks and there are many ways to contact the show show at distorted view.


I’m all over social media at distorted view on Twitter and Instagram, facebook.

com slash distorted view show.

Listen, I’ve got one patron call here and then we’ll do some regular voicemails and call it a day.

Hey, it’s Davey Manson, such a free patron member.

My mom’s birthday is on the 25th.

I may be calling too late to try to get a birthday message, but if you happen to have any of those sound clips from Susanna names or Susan names also acceptable and if not, you can totally sing happy birthday to her.

I’m sending you money on.

Oh, that was you.




I got some a little bit of PayPal money and I think you signed up for Patriot work.

Of course you can do either or.

Of course I’m going to help you out.

Don’t you worry your pretty little brother have your birthday message, but I’m totally cool with it.

I just wanted to try to see if I catch enough time.

Either way.

Hope you’re having a good week, buddy.

Bye now.

You caught me just in the nick of time.

Well, Susan or Suzanne or Sue Sue Sue Susan Sue Susie Susan.

Oh, now you’ve confused Richard Simmons here.

Sue Susie Susan, sweetie.

He’s glitching out.

Richard, just go with Susan.

Susan is fine.


There we go.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday.

I wish I could kiss your Kepler right now.

Maybe I should bake you a nice Google and we could have a nice glass of Nana together.

I love you.

Happy birthday.


Suzanne, Susan, Susan, Sue, Susie.

Here we go again.


Suzie, Susan, you asshole.

You Richard.


Sue Susanna.

Susan is not an asshole.

How dare you on her birthday.

Go back into hiding.

You haven’t heard from Richard in what 10, 15 years.

All right.

Next up here.



Go right ahead.


Speak loudly and clearly.


I don’t know what the hell’s going on here.

It’s fucking dumb computer.

I want to comment on how they had your prescription medicine hostage.

They did the same shit to me, man.

They oh yeah, they would not refill my prescription unless I went to the doctor for a checkup.

But it’s like, it’s not even like addiction forming medicine.

It’s a heart pills.

The fuck am I going to do with that?

Like crush them up and snort them.

And paid $5 copay for only one month compared to six months prescriptions.

I told, so I went in and I watched the last of us and there was this one episode that just reminded me of just two kids fucking making out.

Are we still talking about prescription medicine?

I feel like we’ve been straight away from that.

I was trying to figure out how the last of us was going to tie into my heart pill problem.

All right, next up here.

Let’s see if this voicemail works.



Testing one, two, three.

What the, seriously, what the hell is going on today?

I can’t tell if these are problems with the voicemail, like idiots not leaving messages or what?

Oh yeah.

We, hello, Tim.

What’s in attacking my feet with the AI to me are calling in.

I need your help.

Emma Watson is attacking Emma Watson.

I will.

I will kill Emma Watson with feet.

That’s a pretty good Tamir impression.

I’ll give you that.

You know, at first I thought you were doing, doing a Bernie Sanders impression and that got me thinking what Tamir really does kind of sound like Bernie Sanders.

I am once again asking you Emma Watson is attacking my feet.

They kind of have that same way of a speaking.

All right, let’s do one more call here.


A long time.

Caller first time listener today is July 19th.

And if I’ve timed it out correctly, happy birthday.

You’re off by several months unless you thought this was going to be played in August of 2024.

You’re kind of closer to that than you are my birthday in 2023.

All right, well thank you very much for all the calls.

Keep them coming.

It’s all the time we have on this edition of the program.

I want you guys to email me show at distorted view.

com distorted view.

com is our official website.

Voicemail line for you.


That’s 206-66.

Oh God.

They were trying to steal my blood and sperm and my hermaphrodite egg.

The distortion STD.

Tell all your friends about the show.

Don’t forget to give us a five star rating, a thumbs up or like wherever you can rate and review podcasts.

Tomorrow’s episode is going to be sideshow exclusive.

If you want to hear it, you got to sign up.

Super freak side

Otherwise I’ll see you back on Friday and the week until then have a great day.

Not so long ago, my son came out of the closet and a year later he told us he was becoming an atheist.

I guess my question here is what’s going to send him to hell faster, the gay thing or the atheist thing?

What should I really hate him for?

It’s gotta be the gay thing, right?

This has been another excellent podcast from the Scrod Media Group.

Learn more at

The End

What's Your Reaction?

You may like