Crude Summer Episode 9: Caitlyn Jenner Fanfic / Semen Firehose

September 15, 201939 min read

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Welcome To Distorted View’s Crude Summer!

Each week we will take a dip into DV’s pool of disgusting, poorly written, and just weird erotic fan fiction/ sex stories that have been featured over the past 15 years of the podcast. I originally read these stories to you during a segment called Sextastic Tuesday, which aired just about every week (on Tuesday’s, naturally) and creeped out a generation of freaks. Every weekend this summer we will relive some of these abominations.

This week: Shortly after Bruce Jenner went through the transition to become Caitlyn Jenner, I wondered how long it would take for Caitlyn fan-fiction to be written. It took about a week. Today, I feature the first piece of Caitlyn Jenner erotic fanfic ever. After that, I’ve got a second short story to share. It’s a bit more abstract, involving disembodied anuses, friction-based sex fires, and sperm firehoses. Enjoy!


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Hastily AI’ed Transcription Of Today’s Show:

One surefire way to know that you’ve made it in Hollywood is when celebrity sex stories are written about you. Shortly after Bruce Jenner became Caitlyn Jenner. I wondered how long it would take before someone whipped up some fanfiction involving her. Well, it took about a week today on crude summer the very first piece of Caitlyn Jenner porn. Afterwards, I’ve got a bonus story involving anal fires and semen hoses. That story’s a little more abstract. Crude summer starts in just a few minutes. distorted views crude summer is brought to you by AdamAndEve.Com, purveyors of fine handcrafted artisanal objects to cram in various buckles since 1970. Okay, I don’t think they’re handcrafted but because artisanal has no legal definition. The sex toys are totally artist. Oh, the widest selection of dildos vibrators and butt plugs have made Adam and Eve the number one adult Toy superstore but there’s so much more than that. 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Just remember to use coupon code freak FREAK AdamAndEve.Com Crude summer Caitlyn Jenner is at home pondering her new titties. Have you girls ever pondered your taste? Probably not. But he always had them. You know what I mean? They grew up with them. But you know, the Caitlyn just all of a sudden one day I had a brand new day So yeah, she’s pondering them. They’re brand spanking new. They still have that new car smell so to speak talking about confuse this is one fucked up tranny. Well now there’s we should not use that word. She thinks like a girl but doesn’t like dick wants to be with women wants to feel like a woman. I am show bored. The only time I get to be around people it’s during that stupid reality show. I gotta get the fuck out of here before Kim asks to borrow my makeup again. She gets on her iPad and looks up some celebrity bars nearby that the paparazzi don’t hang around. Oh, serious queasiness? Yes, serious Queenfish. I’ve heard of that place. They just opened up on Sunset last week. She possessed the giddiness of a pubescent school girl. Caitlin got in her Mercedes and sped down to the swanky club in West Hollywood. With unbridled enthusiasm she was breathing heavy. She approached the door. I imagine she would breathe heavily. Her hands cupping her newly purchased D cups and thinking to herself a little too loudly so others may hear. Oh, she keeps doing that. I need to test these puppies. So I’m going to get my money’s worth. I know they look great and feel great. I just need to hear from some bitch. I want somebody to play with them. Just that an attractive slim black girl in her mid 20s with the prettiest eyes approach Caitlin, her long stiletto heels had a trail of blood on them adding to Caitlin’s interest no Caitlin, no, I you’re I feel like I have to protect Caitlyn because she’s, you know a little girl still, right? Is she hasn’t been a woman for long. She doesn’t know how the world works. She’s you know, she’s like a one year old. Is that how being a trans person works. You become a woman. You’ve got like the mental capacity of a newborn. Are you supposed to stay away from situations like that women walking around with trails of blood behind them? Come on Caitlin. Use that noodle of yours. Use that confused noodle. The one that you haven’t had cut off yet. All right, Sherry says, Hey, Caitlin, first time in the club, by the way, I’m cherry. Caitlin was so excited that had she wanted to be wet with all her might, but could only muster a dropper to have pre come. All right, that was a awkwardly written sentence. Hey, Carrie, nice to meet you. Yes, it’s my first time here. I heard so much about it. Have you been here before? Oh, yeah, girl, you’re gonna love it. I met so many gorgeous babes here. It hasn’t got a lot of press yet. Those pop erotic Packers haven’t discovered it yet. So you’re safe. Let me buy you a drink and I’ll show you around. Caitlyn was freaking out. This was all working out as she had planned. And she loves beautiful women. Now that her divorce was final. She gets to try out her new body on sweet young women again. But now the sensations will be different. They will be the correct sensations not the confused orgasms of a man but the erotic emotional connection. Only a true woman feels. Thank you so much. Carrie. Can I get a vodka tonic on the rocks? Please? Shout out in just a second. With that. She went up to the upstairs bar. Curious Caitlin wonder why she’d run to the upstairs bar when there was a perfectly good bartender in front of her where a free drink is our free drink. She thought. minute later Jerry came down the stairs with two long drinks. There you go honey to us. Both girls drank their ice adult beverages. Caitlin drank Harry’s excessively fast and let out a long disgusting belts that caused heads to turn to the bar. Hey, are you bitches Listen up. This is Caitlin make her feel welcome, won’t you The models that were totally absorbed with each other now notice Caitlin, one of the models Monique gestured for Caitlyn to come closer with her non busy hand. Caitlin started to feel her vodka tonic knock on the backside of her head and fell into this groups fell into this groups as if she had known them forever. Even though Caitlyn had a tube top and cut off shorts on Oh, like Daisy do. The way these girls had their hands on her made her feel naked. Ooh, yeah, dash right, go on. You know what you’re doing? Your show bad. One of the models made the mistake at stroking Caitlin’s groin area and exclaimed Oh no, Honey, you’re really bad. Oh, dad, old thing. Don’t mind that it’s nothing really. So in this story. Caitlin still has her cocking balls. This Caitlin have heard dick and nuts. Still, I don’t know. She got that lobbed off yet and shaped into a pussy. The models carried on with their kissing and caressing without giving Caitlin’s comments a second thought. Jerry was off to the side on her cell phone smiling and nodding as if to say You go girl, you deserve all this attention. You’re a star. At this point. Caitlin’s mind was not just on her situation it was getting foggy as if in a dream was this real life she thought How did I get here? Where will this lead? I’m alive Are you bitches you know understand me. I’m another Mario McCain director with the guy would do good Gloria Steinem on your ass. No, we’re good. Caitlin fell back and hit her head on one of the bar stools. She was passed out. Don’t worry ladies. I got this a cherry. Cherry proceeded to pick up Caitlin off the floor and Walker out of the club. There was a limousine waiting in front The limo driver helped cherry deposit the unconscious Caitlin into the back of the vehicle as the know, I should never read ahead. I saw a name here. As the limo sped away, Bill Cosby picked up Caitlin’s left hand and placed it on his old man cock through his leather pants. His eyes looked up as a satisfying jello pudding pop smile filled his face. minutes later, they arrived at his fancy apartment that his wife was unaware of. Again, the limo driver and one of Cosby’s many servants help to place Caitlin still unconscious body inside the apartment, eventually winding up on a comfy leather couch and the study. You do a Cosby? Yeah. A lot of you guys be. I’ve been reading a lot about you in the paper because that’s what old men do. I’m not even gonna try to do an impression as a Matter of fact, you’ve been a bad girl stealing my headlines. People think I don’t like those headlines but I do. I love them so much. I’ve been in the relevant old man for such a long time I need press. I have projects that I have to move who will listen to me if they forget me. Caitlin was starting to come to and she was coming to grips that she was in the presence of the world’s most notorious serial rapist only she was aware of what was going on but could not move nor speak. She could only see in here. Caitlin started to become afraid not afraid really more like petrified she was a prisoner that could not fight back the Is it a great being a woman Caitlyn, you wanted this? Damn you cherry Caitlin thought you were Cosby’s henchmen hence. Woman, hence, bitch. I know people who know people. I’ll get you cherry. I know you hear me said Cosby. I know you can see me but you can’t move. Can you bench I know you love it when I call you bitch because how dare anyone call you a dude right? I am right you know it bitch with that Bill Cosby slap Caitlyn in the face. You need to learn your place in the world Caitlyn. It’ll never be the same for you take that. And with that Cosby flip Caitlyn over the couch and with one fell swoop ripped off of shorts and panties. At the same time. Caitlin’s mind was seething with anger and revenge, but mostly with the fear of her angelic virgin anus being violated. What have I done to him? She thought, What have I done to anyone? I only want to love and be loved. Is that too much to ask for? Why is it out to get me? I’m a champion I hero but love sexy symbol of courage and skill. How did I get here? Why am I being faced down on the couch you could not see she felt Cosby pulling her up by the stomach, leaving her newly shaped buttocks exposed. Her breathing was heavy and she was crying. She likes girls. Not boys off in the distance she could hear a voice that was familiar, but certainly not Cosby. It was Donald Trump. That’s perfect bill. Thank you for prepping Caitlyn for me. I know you can’t stand trannies. Caitlin was furious to be called the T word by the Trump stir and would not have it any event. She tried to yell in vain, but the payloads had worked as planned. Caitlin, I know your fear my cock, but did you know it’s worth almost a billion dollars? There’s a lot of bitches that would like to feel this pressed up against them right now. Believe it or not. You’re very fortunate to be here at rape club. Hey, this is Cosby. Now can you tell whenever I go like this? I’m going to be speaking as Cosby. All right. Hey, Doc. First rule of rave. rave club is never speak of rape club. Oh, yeah, Bill. I’m so sorry. Caitlin. I meant you’re very fortunate to be here at grape club. It’s all about the wine. You know, Caitlyn could not believe that both Bill Cosby and Donald Trump were in the same room as her and another lifetime many years prior. She would have been happy to be in the company of these two famous celebrities. But in the horrifying reality of what is known as these two monsters, Caitlin’s mind raised 100 miles an hour. I have to get out of here she thought shit, I still can’t move or scream. Stepping closer to Kaitlyn Trump uttered. I bought always loved it when I took it from behind. Bill. I don’t know. It’s not even close to what Donald Trump sounds like. Bill broad tunnel, the large tub of Crisco and teeth Caitlin. Bread visited shabby is right bitch. Donald took the tub in his lap and took a large scoop out with his right hand. I promise you Baby, you’re going to love what I’m going to do to you. And I’m going to make America great again, both at the same time. That’s how good it’s going to be. Donald took the scoop and splashed it on to Caitlin’s virgin but Hall. That’s a lot of Christian coffee. Go man. Are you trying to recreate the iceberg that sunk the Titanic? Let’s stop playing with that lobe and fuck that rich. Settle down bill. I want to enjoy this. And Caitlyn is a delicate flower. I don’t want to destroy her like you What? Geez. Did you see the front page of New York magazine? They fucking crucified you. You’re dead. You’re dummy. You really think you’ll ever work in this town again or anytime for that matter? Get off my back your pants. Pull it up. jello pudding. Fuck hard. I appreciate your prep time on this dog. Now Fuck off. Cosby soul was crushed. How could Trump talk to him like this? hadn’t he been helpful in getting Caitlyn on the couch? ass up? What more could the Donald ask of him he stepped back and off to the kitchen to make himself a sandwich. It’s just you and me now beautiful. I bet you didn’t even feel my fingers swimming around in your virgin ass swamp so much Crisco. It would really be a shame to waste all this food. The Donald decided to rim job was appropriate since bill was making a sandwich and hadn’t offered him anything lowering his tongue into the melting ice. Burn shape Crisco Donald started gulping down the white lard and mass quantities. Caitlin started to squirm and wriggle but could do neither. She could hear self scream in her mind only nothing would come out of her mouth. Only a manly grunt or this got the Donald excited his tongue probe Caitlin’s anal cavity with the precision precision of a master plumber working on a Trump skyscraper. Soon there was just a little Crisco left on Caitlin’s ass. Time to get the job done. Donald unzipped his fly as his rock hard slog fell out of his boxers. That fat ass ears is beautiful. You should get your money’s worth for sure. Let me show you how much I appreciate that ass. And with that the Trump stir practically fell inside of Caitlyn. The Crisco made her so slick, and there was so little to no friction between the old folk between the old folk. Caitlin was now breathing heavier than ever. Her grunts were becoming guttural more loud and more manly than before. Yeah, yeah. Yeah yeah yeah you go holy shit keep it down I know I’m good but give it a rest you’ll wake the near dead This is cosmic can either be saved me a piece of that he she asked Watch your mouth This is a lady and keep your old man cock and unconscious pussy this piece is conscious not really your speed my friend. Good luck there. My cock is hard. Yeah, I see thanks Viagra Can you please shelter my eyes from that wrinkly piece of shit. You’re making me shrivel up Damn, you’re making my whole generation Cheryl up. Okay, cover up man. Trump barely finished on Caitlin’s back being the gentleman that he was before Cosby’s wife called to be let in to that bitch find me. cost me said that. Donald, you gotta help me if she finds me with another woman. She’s gonna take half my money. I know a good lawyer. Don’t worry about it. Just then Caitlin started getting her ability to speak body Movement was slowly coming back to her as well. Caitlin pushed off the couch with all of her strength, which startled the Donald and unpleasantly spilled his lip body onto the carpeted apartment floor. She quickly put her clothes back on, you motherfucker. You mother fuckers fucking fuck with around fucking fucker. Time to fucking pay. With that Caitlin picked up a large bottle of patrol that was on the table and face both of her kidnappers time for fucking payback. To be continued. The very first piece of Caitlyn Jenner fanfiction ended with a cliffhanger as disappointed and shocked as I sound I know in the four years since I first read this story, I never once bothered to look for part two of this story. So I’m not broken up over the whole thing. Like I mentioned, we do have a second story for you today. This one involves disembodied witnesses fire started by sex friction and sperm hoses. It’ll all make sense by the end of the story. Maybe not, not uncommon to be even more confused by the end of the stories but anyway, enjoy. For context, you need to know I’m a fireman. That’s what I do. I put up fires for a living. But there’s a bit of a twist to my method. I put fires out with my semen. But to the point, I awoke with a jolt, looking up at the ceiling, I could make something out that hadn’t been there before. I squinted. Could it be? No, no, surely not. It was an anus. What the hell was an anus doing there on my ceiling? As I pondered this strange occurrence, my thoughts turned to the last time I’d seen an anus. I’d been ailing this chick really hard. And it was ultimate anal gape. like you wouldn’t believe the friction was intense. so intense, we started a fire and it’s often in that scenario that my semen comes in handy to put out fires. Could this be another one of those occurrences? See what I mean? The story is ridiculous. It’s insane. My attention there’s a fucking anus on the ceiling. Okay, my attention returned to the anus waiting above it moved like it’s a spider on the wall like something. It’ll only it’ll only move when you’re not looking at it. It can sense when you’re when you’re staring. It was coming towards me but ever so slowly. anus anus this giant anus was drifting slowly towards me. This might be a horror story. I don’t know. There was no getting out of this one I thought I was gonna have to pound that anus and pounded hard. My pork sword obediently stood to attention ready to impale the awaiting anus, eventually and perched on top of me and swallowed my phallus hole. It began bouncing up and down as if to suggest it wanted to bring me to orgasm. Well, always up for a hard ass pounding. It was at that point I wondered how anyone could fall in love with a woman without knowing what her anus look like. Not so fast though. I thought This was going to get a taste of its own medicine. I quickly sat up and flip the anus onto its stomach or rather where its stomach would be if it weren’t just an anus, you know, I began pounding that thing, and I mean really jackhammering it my sweaty balls slapped hard against it slept that’s how it’s written all one word. If Neo was the fastest guy in the world when it came to dodging bullets, I was the fastest guy in the world when it came to pounding anus is I think that that reference kind of dates the story right, we’re looking this story was probably written in the early 2000s All right, I was where we out here. This was some hot sex. I could I could smell burning my furiously fast fucking it started another fire. Not to worry though. I put out tons of fires simply by coming on them. Just as the sex was getting a bit too hot. I pulled that NK my heart all over the anus. My semen jetted out with force of a waterfall. Well, that’s my good deed done for the day I thought, but the fire remained there was something odd about this anus this sweaty anus I fuck the anus again and again and again but to no avail. We’re still a number of other anus is a beard 6788 Hey, this is Ah, what the fuck was I supposed to do? The original anus was now too hot so I couldn’t keep pounding away at it. I burned myself but while I was still burning, I had to find a way to put it out. I began pounding away at one of the other eight is is pound pound pound pound pound pound pound slap slap with my hairy sweaty balls. I finally had Jackie elated and yes, the fire on the original anus was out for the wait. Oh god. Oh no. Oh, the humanity. The other anus is burnt like like a really good insult on the Internet but I’m bump or the Hindenburg. With the Hindenburg. I began pounding another anus to put the other fire out but alas, the same thing happened. Although I put out the previous fire the new anus combusted remain the light. I found myself on an unstoppable sexual rampage. Every time I had sex I started another fire but I needed to have sex to ejaculate and put the last fire out it’s a real chicken or the egg situation I think that’s called for drastic measures. I thought summoning all of my willpower I gathered before me numerous Cox How would you do that? Which craft here a cock there a cock everywhere a cock cock. Eight of them. Eight Cox for Amos’s, the Cox attach themselves to me forming a kind of multi barreled phallic Gatling gun. It pounded each and every anus. Together, each individual cock barrel pulsating rotating in and out of the chain is before finally uh but to my horror, every anus was set alight like never before. Fuck. I thought this had never happened before racking my brains I wonder what I could possibly do my multi barrel monster cock hanging limply in midair. Finally it dawned on me. Eight Eight assists. Eight Cox there was only one thing left to do acquire eight vaginas. At this point, I had to make a detour. I called my good friend Megan Fox, not the megan fox. You know the one in Transformers. My friend just happens to have the same day. This is a lot of explanation. It was twice as hot, perfect tits and ass and no toe thumbs. I rang her asking if I could borrow her vagina. Luckily she obliged and upon hearing my dilemma rounded up her equally hot friends who are more than willing to supply their vaginas for my Gatlin cock Finally I had eight vaginas. I went back to my wouldn’t his house be burned down at this point. He’s got all these birding anus says he’s on the phone with Megan Fox. He has to wait around for Megan Fox, not the Megan Fox, just a different megan fox to get all of her equally hot friends and their vaginas all, you know, wrangled up and brought to the house. Yeah, I’m sorry the whole town would be ablaze at this point. All right. Where are we at here? Yeah, I went back to my house and begin pounding those policies until they attach themselves to each of my Cox. My multiple foul I had mixed with multiple vagina. That’s about the plural of a vagina. vagina. The former huge multi barreled Gatling pin China, right it’s a penis vagina, each individual barrel able to ejaculate with the force of Niagara Falls. So I’m guessing Not only is the penis ejaculating, but the policies are squirting not Paris is square, okay. Hey, it’s squirt. All right now this was on Gok for the last time I began pounding the shit out of those aliases rotating and pulsating in and out over and over again. Oh, God, it felt so good. I screamed as each fire was finally put out. unfathomably enormous amounts of semen gallons, literally tons of the stuff squirting out of each pen China barrel. It was done. I conquered that anus. That sweaty, sweaty anus. The end. What a whirlwind of an episode a little something for no one. Every single word out of my mouth is so not sexually appetizing. I’m so sorry. If you were looking to pop a boner. look elsewhere. Thank you so much for joining me today on crude summer next week is our big finale episode 10. We’re racing towards that finish line to autumn but summer isn’t quite over yet. I’ve got one more dose of audio pornography for you next week. There’s a story you were From a distorted view that you want me to replay requested by sending an email to show at distorted view com, I’ll do my best to get it on for you. You want to support the show best way to do it and sign up for the sideshow DBS member site super freak, calm for more information deals have a Patreon account patreon.com slash distorted view. You guys have a great weekend I will see you back on Monday to start a new week of distorted view daily until then bye everybody. Just a quick final reminder, DVDs current summer is brought to you by Adam and Eve calm for a limited time get 50% off just about any item plus a bunch of free stuff. A little something for him something for her and a third item you’ll both enjoy plus six free movies and free shipping on your entire order. Just remember to use coupon code freak out FREAK at AdamAndEve.Com Music from https://filmmusic.io

“Lobby Time” by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)

License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)

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