Alright, freaks, buckle up for a rollercoaster of grotesque workplace retaliation: It’s time for the tale of Dale Wheatley and a horrifying scene at the Illinois nonprofit he works at.

Recently, Dale waltzed into work, expecting a typical nine-to-five grind. But holy head cheese, what does he find? Not a warm greeting or a cup of fresh perked coffee. Instead, he stumbles upon a scene straight out of a Quentin Tarantino fever dream. Picture this: sage burning in the air and not one, not two, but three severed heads perched on his desk like macabre paperweights. Talk about giving your workspace that “wow” factor!

Dale works at the Anatomical Gift Association of Illinois. Their mission? Procuring, preparing, and preserving body donations for medical and scientific study. Sounds like noble work, right? Well, not all was well at work: Dale had a bone to pick (pun intended). According to him, that place is a hot mess. We’re talking shabby conditions that make you stick to the floor faster than a chewed-up piece of gum. Yum!

But wait, there’s more! Turns out, their body preservation game is as weak as their sanitation practices. Some generous donors’ bodies have come back to haunt them because they were about as well-preserved as a carton of expired milk. Mold, rot, and bugs have turned these well-intentioned contributions into a freak show. Can you imagine Dale playing body retrieval and finding out rats have gone full-on buffet mode, nibbling their way through the bags and leaving their mark on the feet? Well, that’s exactly what happened.

Now, let’s talk about those three heads chilling on Dale’s desk. They weren’t exactly sent there by mistake. Dave had the audacity to complain about the AGA’s sorry state of affairs to his supervisors. And voila, a trio of severed heads magically appears as the ultimate “shut up and mind your own business” message. The AGA sure knows how to get their point across in a rather… unique way.

Enter: William O’Connor, the AGA’s Executive Vice President, to save the day. According to him, Dale’s claims have no merit whatsoever. He insists that body parts are just a regular part of Dale’s job description, like handling office supplies or fixing the copier. How heartwarming! Who needs Post-it notes when you can scribble notes on the foreheads of severed noggins, right?

In the midst of this chaotic circus, Dale decides it’s time to bring out the big guns. He lawyers up (probably a smart move) Their goal? To whip the AGA into shape and restore some semblance of dignity to the families affected by these shenanigans. Because, let’s face it, nobody wants their loved one’s remains treated like warmed-over leftovers. Gross!

And just when you thought things couldn’t get weirder, there are stacks upon stacks of cremains just hanging out at the AGA, playing an eternal waiting game. It’s like a twisted version of “Musical Chairs,” but instead of grabbing a seat, you’re waiting for dear old Aunt Edna’s ashes to be reunited with the family. Come on, AGA, let the poor souls rest in peace (and in the right urns)!

Dale doesn’t want a lawsuit. No, he just wants a workplace where severed heads stay where they belong, bodies preserved better than leftovers, and cremains to find their way home. Is that too much to ask? All Dale wants is a good night’s sleep without nightmares of heads and bodies dancing in his head. Can you blame the guy?

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