Beach Bating Babes Gone Wild!

December 4, 202368 min read

On Today’s Show:

00:00:00 Introduction
01:51:08 Santa’s Sex Practices Might Be Problematic
06:00:15 Santa Is A Power Bottom
06:57:21 Santa Likes Gay BJ’s
08:30:04 Santa Bangs His Female Elves
10:10:09 No Meade Skelton Weigh Ins In Over Two Weeks!
14:13:14 A Brain-To-Brain Date At The Olive Garden
18:03:10 A Semi-Deaf Conspiracy Theorist?
21:59:01 Beach Bating Babes Gone Wild!
28:13:04 Pleading For Money
30:18:19 Sexing Up A Cold Corpose In The Morgue Freezer
34:43:19 Original Recipe Attempted Homocide
38:48:10 Your Butthole Is Not A Gun Holster
42:32:14Voicemails: 206-666-4463v / Ending
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  • AI Transcript

    Hey freaks! It’s Monday, December 4th, 2023.
    Coming up on the program today, the many sexual sides of Santa.
    Plus, a possibly deaf guy freaks out over chemtrails,
    going on a brain-to-brain date at Olive Garden,
    and a forbidden love.
    Or more appropriately, a dude fucks a corpse inside the morgue refrigerator.
    Distorted View Daily proudly presents…
    A message to Santa Claus.
    Hit me.
    I don’t want you to hit on me with some stupid cheesy pickup line.
    I want you to hit me.
    I want for you to use your hands and punch me until I can’t feel it anymore.
    Let my skin turn purple as you use your stinky, big, hairy, meaty hands
    and put them around my neck.
    I want to feel like I’m hated so much for feeling loved.
    I want to feel like…
    I want to be hurt.
    Spank me.
    Spank me, Santa. I’ve been a naughty girl.
    It’s the Distorted View Show with Tim Henson.
    She is a fat cunt.
    Rape my boy pussy. Rape my boy pussy.
    I’m gonna lose my mind today.
    And I love the aftertaste of semen in my mouth.
    Crystal meth loosens up your butthole.
    Welcome to 1-800-ASSHOLE.
    Yes! Hey, freaks! Tim back here with you to kick off a new week of programs.
    At the very top of the show, you learn that Santa likes it a little rough.
    I want to feel like I’m hated.
    ho, holy potential lawsuit, Santa Claus.
    Tread lightly, my jolly friend.
    I know you’re supposed to get these good boys and girls whatever it is they want for Christmas,
    but smacking the shit out of a broad could be seen as problematic.
    You know, in this day and age where everyone’s so sensitive.
    You know, even if she really does want this from you,
    Christmas night you sneak down the chimney, then slip up her chimney while you choke her out,
    she might have a change of heart.
    She could realize, wait a second, there’s a power dynamic at play here.
    I only really wanted him to strangle me because I was secretly hoping for that Lexus RX under the
    tree during this holiday’s December to remember event.
    But after feeling those big fat sausage fingers around my neck, I realized I can’t do this,
    but you can’t say it because she’s being choked.
    And Santa’s like, ho, ho, ho, I’ve got a belly that’s like a bowl full of jelly.
    And you’re about to have a mouthful of Santa’s jelly babies.
    And then he jams his cock down her throat.
    And again, all she’s trying to say is, please, Santa, stop.
    I don’t want this.
    I have a husband I love.
    But she can’t.
    And it comes out and she gets her Lexus underneath the tree.
    But at what cost?
    I ask you at what cost?
    And the saddest part of the story is the husband has no clue what’s happening
    because he’s not even in town.
    Oh, he wants to be there for his family, but he knows he has to provide.
    He had an emergency business meeting in Boise, Idaho, and he was miserable.
    But at the last minute, a miracle happened.
    He was able to get a flight in the middle of the night.
    So on Christmas Day, he shows up.
    He surprises his family.
    Daddy’s home for Christmas.
    But for some reason, his wife is despondent.
    He can tell that she’s been crying all night and he thinks, oh, my God, it’s because of me.
    It’s because I wasn’t there.
    So he embraces his wife and he says, honey, I promise I will never leave you alone on
    Christmas again.
    And she turns to him with tears in her eyes and she says, good, bad things happen when
    you’re not here.
    And that’s when the husband catches a whiff of cookies in milk and semen on this bitch’s
    breath and was like, wait a second.
    Why is there a brand new Lexus out front?
    Did you just like buy a car?
    That’s a huge purchase.
    We really should have discussed this.
    And the wife was like, no, I didn’t buy a Lexus.
    And he’s all like, oh, yeah, because cars just magically appear with fucking bows on
    top of them.
    You do this to me all the time.
    But I didn’t buy the car.
    This is exactly why we have that $500 limit.
    Anything more than $500, we have to have a discussion about.
    Oh, you forget about it, though, all the time when there’s something shiny you want.
    I didn’t buy the car.
    Is it your car?
    Well, yeah.
    Well, then you bought the car.
    Who bought the car?
    But you said I blew Santa for the car.
    He punched me and he strangled me and he shot his creamy Christmas loan down my throat.
    And I regret it ever since I’ve been crying all night.
    I don’t even want the car.
    I just wish this never would have happened.
    And the husband is so like fucking shocked.
    I didn’t even.
    This all happened while I was gone.
    And I.
    Do you think next year you’d be willing to blow him for a Rivian?
    I really want one of those electric cars.
    You’re not mad?
    Dude, you just got a $60,000 Lexus.
    All you had to do was blow Santa and let him choke you.
    Imagine if you gave him anal.
    Next year is going to be awesome.
    And that truly is a December to remember.
    You know, I have it on good authority that Santa is into way more than just
    choking out a bitch.
    As a matter of fact, I actually have some audio here of old Saint Nick.
    Merry Christmas.
    Have you been a good boy?
    Yeah, Santa.
    This year I’ve done like 250 episodes of DV, about 100 are sideshow exclusive.
    I’ve been trying to be so good for you.
    I know you have.
    Come on.
    Santa’s got a surprise for you.
    Oh, I hope it’s a big package.
    Oh, you want me, don’t you, boy?
    Wait, what?
    You want Santa Claus?
    Don’t you just take me?
    Do what you want.
    Fuck me.
    That’s right.
    Fuck Santa’s ass.
    And that was the year young Tim Henson learned that Santa was a power bottom.
    I think I found me a new place to come down this year.
    Oh, right.
    That’s Santa Claus as well.
    He sounds a little different in this clip.
    Oh, yeah.
    Anything to make you happy, Santa.
    Oh, anything, huh?
    You want to play, Santa?
    Anything at all?
    Apparently what Santa wants this year is a BJ.
    All the way down.
    Oh, yeah.
    You know, the guy could have at least tried to lower his voice like Santa Claus.
    Ho, ho, ho.
    You’re going to give Santa a blowjob?
    Like, that doesn’t sound like old Saint Nick.
    Come on.
    I have a feeling this one, he’s an imposter.
    Hey, now, do you want some coal?
    Watch them teeth.
    Oh, yeah.
    I think what we’re learning today is Santa Claus really does abuse his power.
    He’s like the Harvey Weinstein of mythical characters.
    That’s right.
    Roll your tongue around the head like you were doing that candy cane.
    Make it all the way up and down.
    Yeah, you like Santa’s big sack of surprises, don’t you?
    You say you wanted some Lego blocks?
    Okay, right there.
    I think that’s enough to incriminate the man.
    Santa’s got a pay for play scheme going on here.
    Be so great if like the SWAT team busted in at this point.
    This was a sting operation.
    A multicolored one.
    Suck it all the way down.
    Okay, all right.
    Oh, yeah.
    Well, you know, Santa Claus is married to a woman.
    So he’s not just into gay sex.
    I like to fuck all the good boys and girls.
    Hi, Galeo 2233.
    Oh, and elves.
    I need a day off.
    I can’t do this.
    I need a day off.
    Um, no.
    Get the fuck back to work.
    Yeah, that is an overworked female elf asking to use some of her PTO time.
    Get the fuck back to work.
    There are no days off.
    Especially this time of year.
    Like this is crunch time, honey.
    We’re T minus, you know, 20 some odd days out.
    I hate you, Santa.
    Yeah, good.
    A lot of people do.
    Hello, you’re blocking my way.
    Can you move here in front of the TV, honey?
    No, move.
    Well, the elf is starting to take off her clothes.
    Now, I understand in this scene, the elf really is the aggressor here.
    She’s initiating all of this, but still, this is her boss.
    Her boss should know better.
    The legal minefield you’re entering, old Saint Nick.
    By the end of this holiday season, she’s going to own the whole North Pole.
    She’s going to sue your ass and take the whole operation.
    You’ll be lucky if you have custody of like two or three of the reindeer.
    I know you want to touch me.
    And I know you look at me.
    You want to fuck me now, Santa?
    Oh, yeah, but put the suit back on.
    Something tells me she’s going to get that time off she wanted.
    Look, Santa’s a pervert.
    That’s the takeaway from this segment.
    We’ve got to move on, though.
    We’ve barely started the show.
    I did want to give you a little Meade skeleton update.
    We’re all very invested in his weight loss journey.
    He set up that YouTube channel called Meade’s Fit and Lean.
    I believe he’s lost six pounds since he started this journey eight months ago.
    He’s doing a bang up job.
    Now, he started back in what, August or September.
    He’s lost a few pounds.
    He’s admitted, though, that he’s not happy with his progress.
    And a lot of those weigh ins, he actually, you know, will gain a few pounds.
    That’s mostly due to the three to four desserts he has every day.
    For the past two or three weeks, Meade has not done a weigh in video,
    leading many to speculate he’s ballooning back up.
    And he just doesn’t want to share his results with the class.
    Meade, though, has returned.
    Just a day ago, he posted this video on his channel.
    By the way, it’s not a weigh in, but he does address the controversy.
    Hello, everybody.
    Welcome to Meade Fit and Lean.
    I do apologize for my lack of weigh in last week.
    He just wiped his nose, indicating that he’s been sick.
    This is how you know he’s telling the truth, because he wiped his nose.
    For my lack of weigh in.
    Very convincing, Meade.
    Last week or this week, I just was getting a really bad cold,
    and I didn’t want to put myself through a lot, folks, because I have to recover.
    This is the big excuse he’s come up with.
    He’s had so much time to formulate a good, convincing lie,
    and he landed on, “I had a cold, and I didn’t want to put myself through the stress of stepping on a scale.”
    What the fuck is that?
    First of all, when you’re sick, that’s the perfect time to weigh yourself.
    Typically, when you’re sick, you lose weight.
    You know, you don’t want to eat.
    You feel gross.
    You just want to sleep in bed.
    You’re withering away to nothing.
    Second of all, you know, for as much as Meade talks about being a man’s man, an alpha male,
    boy, does he come off like a little bitch all the time.
    I had the sniffles, so I could not weigh myself.
    I did not want to put myself through the absolute trauma of it all.
    I do declare, I was in a fragile state.
    Thank God my daddy had the forethought to install fainting couches in all the major rooms in my house.
    If I ever felt weak walking from room to room, I could do a quick, dramatic spin,
    put the back of my hand up to my forehead, and collapse onto one of my many fainting couches.
    Thanks, daddy.
    All right, let’s listen to this nonsense.
    I just was getting over a really bad cold, and I didn’t want to put myself through a lot, folks,
    because I have to recover.
    And so I decided, well, why, you know, why hurt my immune system by getting on that ugly scale
    over there?
    I can’t even wrap my mind around what he’s saying here.
    Someone explain to me how his immune system would be injured by stepping on a scale.
    So I’m just going to wait a while, okay?
    But I want to do a video on the holy days and strategies for eating during the holy days.
    No, not interested.
    Imagine you’re someone looking to get fit, and you run across this channel,
    and a big fat guy’s telling you what to eat for the holidays.
    Are you going to listen to him?
    Of course not, because he’s not practicing what he preaches, obviously.
    Instead of telling people what to do, do it yourself first, Mead.
    Lose the weight, and then start preaching, you fool.
    This is a 10-minute video.
    You can watch it yourself.
    I’ll put a link on the show notes to Mead’s channel if you’d like to.
    Let me just play like 10 seconds more of this.
    Now, the holidays are much too precious to be worrying about how much you weigh on the scale,
    But we want to make sure that we don’t overdo it.
    It’s like, what is your definition of overdoing it?
    I mean, this is coming from a guy who eats four desserts a day.
    Anyway, I hope the next time we hear from Mead is during a weigh-in.
    Speaking of Utahrds, it’s been a while since we checked in with Gabrielle Channa.
    She is the leader of the Church of Gale.
    Longtime listeners of the show know her entire backstory,
    including the fact that she believes she’s in a relationship with Brent Spiner,
    the actor who played Data on Star Trek The Next Generation.
    They have a lot of brain-to-brain sex.
    It’s not so much physical,
    considering the real Brent Spiner doesn’t know this woman exists.
    That’s not entirely true, by the way.
    Brent Spiner is aware that a woman named Gale Cord-Schuller, or Gabrielle Channa,
    is obsessed with him, thinks they’re married,
    has urged people like me to stop giving her a platform.
    He just wants her to go away.
    But no, Gale thinks they are in a very committed relationship.
    As a matter of fact, in this newest video,
    Gale and Brent went on a date together.
    “Alright, I just came from a fun date with Brent at the Olive Garden.”
    Proof that Brent Spiner does not love Gabrielle Channa.
    He took her to the Olive Garden on their nice, fancy date?
    That’s cold, man.
    I wonder if Brent let her order an entree,
    or if this was strictly a soup and breadsticks kind of date.
    “Let’s keep this date $10 or under, please.”
    “Here is my doggy bag, because they have the most delicious bread there.”
    “It’s straight from Italy!”
    “I took the bus to go out there in spite of the rain.
    Let me see if the bread’s still good.
    It might have got a little moist.”
    “You left the bread out in the rain?”
    “Hmm, not bad.”
    “Certainly is an Olive Garden breadstick.
    I know what those look like.”
    “Okay, well, don’t talk with your mouth full.”
    “It was fun to be out with Brent on a date.
    We went out on a date about a week ago at a sushi restaurant,
    and it’s really helping him get over PTSD, because when Baphomet raped him.”
    “Yeah, you heard that right.
    I can’t explain it.
    You really just need to listen to Distorted View daily on a regular basis.”
    “A couple weeks ago, he suffered post-traumatic stress disorder.”
    “She’s kind of all over the place in this video.”
    “Yeah, I’ve been eliminating duplicates and hoarding everywhere.
    And then yesterday, just to test out the Gale Shield, I, uh…”
    “I’m not even sure what the Gale Shield means.”
    “I went to a closet where I had a lot of electronic stuff,
    and I noticed that I was keeping a defective computer fan,
    because I fixed my computer fan when the Lizzo Jesuits tricked me about a year ago into breaking it.”
    “Again, yes, you heard that right. Lizzo Jesuits.
    Lizzo is in reference to the musician, Lizzo.
    It’s a whole thing.
    Back to the date, at the end, I guess Brent gave her a kiss.
    A brain-to-brain kiss.”
    “And then I felt him kiss me.
    He told me that the post-nasal drip that I’ve been experiencing is seasonal allergies.
    I thought maybe it was reacting to some crab that I accidentally got into a couple days ago.”
    “Everything she says is puzzling.
    It’s like, wait, what?
    First of all, that turn from ‘Brent kissed me’ to talking about post-nasal drip, right?
    And then she thought she got into some crabs?
    I don’t, look, I don’t know.
    You gotta watch out for the bad crabs.
    But Gail seems to be doing well overall, so that’s all I care about.”
    “Elsewhere on YouTube, I ran across someone by the name of Brandon, Brendan, I’m sorry.
    And, you know, I’m a sucker for people who have unique voices.
    I can’t quite tell what’s wrong with him.
    It kind of sounds like he’s deaf, but in some of his videos, like, he’ll film at concerts.
    And, you know, I would not spend money going to see a musical act if I did not have the
    ability to hear.
    That just seems like a waste of money.
    So I’m thinking he can hear.
    Take a listen to him.”
    “Welcome to Brendan’s place.
    I am casting a rock.”
    “You know, also he has music playing in the background here.”
    “Casting a rock.”
    “Maybe that radio has been on for 12 years and he doesn’t know because he can’t hear.
    I don’t know.”
    “I’m sorry.”
    It’s a party time, yeah!
    Look at the cake.
    “Brendan’s having a little dance party by himself.
    Curious about Brendan.
    Yes, that video piqued my interest.
    So I looked into the back catalog of Brendan’s videos here.
    Here Brendan is smoking some weed.”
    “Hey, Jojo!
    Oh my God!
    This is so good!
    Show it to Jojo, okay?”
    “I don’t know what you’re saying here, but you’re happy.”
    “I’m smoking this weed.”
    “He’s there with a woman.
    He’s getting some action.
    Good for him.
    Bella is his female friend.”
    “Oh my God!
    Bella, you need to talk to Jojo!
    This weed is strong!”
    You’re fucking Brendan up over here!
    Oh, Bella!
    You need to talk to Jojo!
    This weed is strong!”
    “That’s a pretty good impression, right?
    Can work on this.”
    “Oh my God!
    Bella, you need to talk to Jojo!
    This weed is strong!”
    “This weed is strong!”
    “Bella is strong!
    This weed is strong!”
    “You can handle Bella, liar!”
    “Buck, buck, buck!”
    “He’s like a chicken.
    Chicken man!”
    “The best part of Brendan, in addition to his voice, is that…”
    Oh my God, I can hardly get the words out.
    “He’s also a bit of a conspiracy theory freak.
    Here he is outside, and he notices something strange happening with the clues.”
    “Hello, this is Brendan.
    We are having some very strange clouds.
    Look at this.”
    Oddly enough, Brendan says clouds more normally than the Clued guy, right?
    “Clued disappear.
    “It’s like a caterpillar cloud.
    I wouldn’t say it looks like a caterpillar, but okay.
    He’s probably still high from that shit Bella gave him.
    “It’s like a centipede cloud.
    What in the hell is going on?
    This is the chemical they’re using to kill us!
    This is absolutely horrible!
    I have never seen a cloud like this!
    This is located in Stratomontico Boulevard!
    Look at the chemtrail!
    Look at that!
    This is absolutely insane!
    Welcome to Brendan Place!”
    He likes to introduce his YouTube channel a lot in his videos.
    “The chemtrail!
    It’s really fucking us up bad!”
    I don’t know about you, but I get all of my alternative news from deaf people high on
    potent, potent weed.
    Thank you, Brendan.
    Finally now, before we get into the news, I’ve got some police body cam footage here
    of a woman being arrested.
    She seems to be minding her own business.
    She’s eating near a beach.
    Like one of those outdoor restaurant places.
    So far, the woman seems cooperative.
    She’s like, “Should I tell them?
    Do they actually know?
    Could I possibly get out of this?”
    She’s wearing like a one-piece bathing suit, right?
    That’s not what’s interesting to me.
    The interesting part is the big Jesus necklace she’s got around her neck, right?
    A big cross!
    After all, she’s religious.
    “What were you doing on the beach?
    Like, prior to coming here?
    Prior to coming here?”
    “There was nobody.
    I was just sitting on my chair.
    Nobody was around me.”
    “Okay, and you were over at the beach?”
    “Like, I was near the water.”
    “Near the water?”
    “What did I do?
    What did I do?”
    “So apparently you were masturbating on the beach.”
    I can say based on her reaction, she was 100% fingering herself on the beach.
    I’ll tell you why.
    Look, if you’re accused, if someone corners you, right?
    Police or whatever confronts you and says,
    “Hey, we’ve got some complaints here that you were masturbating on the beach.”
    Your first response, it wouldn’t even take a second in your mind.
    You’d say, “What?
    People think I was masturbating on the–
    I wasn’t masturbating on the beach!”
    Even public masturbators who just got caught masturbating on the beach would say that.
    “No, I didn’t do that!
    Not me!
    It’s crazy!”
    That’s just the– that’s like the normal response.
    It’s a knee-jerk response.
    It’s like pre-programmed in our head.
    Accused of masturbating?
    And everyone’s voice goes up that high too.
    This woman, on the other hand, her reaction is nonverbal.
    She just sort of stares at the cop for a moment with her mouth slightly open.
    Then she opens her mouth wider to give a response, but then she stops herself from responding.
    Then looks down, closes her mouth.
    Again, doesn’t say anything for seconds.
    “Who– who– who saw that?”
    Ultimately, she doesn’t deny it.
    She just wants to know who said that, who– or who saw it.
    “A couple people.”
    “No, they didn’t.
    That’s not true.”
    There we go.
    There’s the denial.
    Her brain started working again.
    “Nobody was around.
    It was an anonymous call.
    Is this one of my buddies?
    Okay, one of my buddies.”
    “No, it’s not one of my buddies.
    It’s a family.”
    “Okay, look, let me– let me show you.”
    Let me show you where I was masturbating.
    No one was around.
    All I have to say is that, look, there were cameras.
    We have you on film.
    You’re knuckle-deep in that fucking oyster.
    Pinching your pearl there.
    “Is there anything in the bag?”
    “Is there if I look through it?
    I mean, if you can open it and– can I see the contents inside the bag?”
    Oh, was she, like, masturbating with a vibrator?
    “Yes, because I don’t– I don’t really understand what y’all are–“
    “We’re just here because someone called and we’re very concerned.”
    “This is really highly offensive to me.”
    “I got it.
    I got you.
    And that’s why I’m trying to figure–“
    “It’s okay.
    It’s my vibrator, but I just put it in my– I was–“
    Oh, oh, oh, wait, wait, what?
    Hold on here.
    She’s offended.
    She’s highly offended by this line of questioning.
    “Okay, this is really highly offensive to me.”
    “I got it.
    I got you.
    And that’s why I’m trying to figure–“
    “It’s okay.
    It’s my vibrator, but I just put it in my– I was sitting on the beach.”
    But she just said that she put it inside her.
    Like, she didn’t complete the sentence, but you can see, like, her hand is moved to her–
    She’s like, “I just put it right there!”
    “It’s highly offensive to me.”
    “I got it.”
    I gotta see that again.
    I’m sorry.
    “It’s okay.
    It’s my vibrator, but I just put it in my– I was sitting–“
    Yeah, she just used both of her hands.
    “I just put it in there!
    I just– that’s where the vibrator goes!
    I was using it as intended!
    Look at the box!
    Look at the instructions!
    That’s where the vibrator goes!”
    “I was sitting on the beach, and I just– just– okay, do I need– do I get a ticket?”
    “So– so you did have a vibrator.”
    “Listen, I was sitting on the water like this, and I just put it in there,
    and it was covered up, and I just had an orgasm.
    I’m sorry.
    I was stressed out.”
    “Okay, just hang tight for me.”
    “I’m sorry!
    I’m sorry!
    I was in the water!”
    Oh, get– let her off with a warning!
    Honesty’s the best policy.
    She came clean.
    The second time she came that day.
    Before she came clean, she came dirty.
    “Nobody saw that, and they wouldn’t have called, right?”
    “Nobody saw it.”
    “Wait, what?
    Don’t do this to me!”
    They’re arresting her.
    “A family saw it.
    They had kids.”
    Are you– there was nobody around?”
    “Lady, someone obviously saw you, right?
    I mean, because they knew what you did, and you admitted to it.”
    The next part is where the cops are going through her bag.
    “It’s a bullet style.”
    We’re looking for a bullet style vibrator.
    Then we have the car ride to the police station.
    “Someone saw it, so that’s why we’re here, you know?
    I mean, if you’re gonna do something like that, you know, don’t get caught.
    That’s all I have to say, you know?”
    You’re a police officer.
    You’re not supposed to be saying that.
    Look, if you’re gonna commit a crime, go ahead and do it.
    Just don’t get caught.
    Be smart about it.
    Use your head, lady.
    “That’s all I have to say, you know?
    So, I mean, I got nothing against you, you know?”
    Honestly, I wish I was there on the beach when you were doing it.
    Well, there you go.
    Police officers busting crimes after a woman busts her lady nut.
    And with that, let’s get into the Crazy Bizarre Twists.
    To the Buzzer News, right now!
    Not a member of the Distorted View Sideshow?
    What are you waiting for?
    Help support this stupidity.
    Become a true and honorable freak today when you sign up.
    Every week, you’re gonna get Sideshow-exclusive episodes of DV, typically two times a week.
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    I do just for paying members.
    Starting next month, we’re upping that to three episodes a week just for Sideshow members.
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    Memberships are incredibly inexpensive, only $6.99 a month.
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    For more information, check out distortedview.com and superfreaksideshow.com.
    There is one last way to help us out.
    We’ve got a Patreon account, patreon.com/distortedview.
    You can pledge as little as a dollar over there.
    Every little bit helps.
    If you pledge at least $5, you get access to a special voicemail line where I will play
    your calls first.
    I should also mention the Distorted View store is open for the holiday season.
    Chock full of merchandise, t-shirts, mugs, shot glasses.
    What else do we have there?
    Beach towels.
    That’s new for this year.
    Stickers, magnets.
    I mean, just tons of stuff.
    Check it out.
    I am done shamelessly plugging my own shit.
    Now we can get into the news.
    Three very quick stories.
    First up, in a shocking incident last month, Arizona authorities
    have arrested Randall Byrd, a former hospital security guard.
    Longtime listeners of the show might know where this is going.
    You know, when hospital workers are arrested, typically it’s either because, you know, they
    were smuggling drugs or they were doing something they shouldn’t to the patients.
    This guy wasn’t even a doctor, you know?
    He’s not trying to uphold some sort of oath.
    All right, Randall, what did you do?
    Yes, authorities have arrested Randall Byrd, a former hospital security guard at Banner
    University Medical Center in Phoenix, on multiple charges of crimes against a deceased person.
    Oh, Randall, it’s worse than I thought.
    Honestly, it’s about as bad as I thought.
    You know, after doing this show for 20 years, you expect the worst from humanity.
    And Mr. Byrd here did not disappoint.
    Uh, the alleged– I’m sorry, the allegation suggests that Byrd engaged in sex acts with
    the corpse of a 79-year-old woman.
    There weren’t any younger dead people there.
    Yes, apparently the dead woman was inside the hospital’s morgue freezer.
    Aside from just the ick factor of banging an old person, dead or alive, how can you
    do it to a frozen person?
    Like, okay, I know they’re not exactly moist anymore when they’re dead, but still, couldn’t
    the holes be like all frozen shut?
    It’s gonna be hard to get in there, you know?
    Plus, you know, when your dick actually touches the cold corpse, that might cause some problems,
    I don’t like touching cold things.
    Cold things make me shrivel up.
    Ultimately, it just seems like more work than it’s worth.
    I mean, this guy had to have been really, really horny.
    Backed up.
    I’ve got a real blue ball situation here.
    The arrest comes after two witnesses reported encountering Byrd inside the morgue freezer
    at around 5.30am back on October 24th.
    The witnesses described him as sweating profusely, which shouldn’t happen if you’re in a very
    cold morgue freezer.
    He was also acting very nervous.
    Upon closer inspection, they observed that Byrd’s uniform was disheveled, his zipper
    was wide open, and his belt was found on a gurney.
    I mean, that’s the most incriminating part right there.
    Yeah, the belt was found on a gurney where a body bagged deceased person was placed.
    The morgue doors were reportedly locked from the inside, adding to the suspicious circumstances.
    According to investigators, the body bag containing the elderly woman had been completely
    unzipped open, with the corpse lying face down.
    Which is a smart move.
    I can’t fault the guy for turning her over.
    You don’t want a corpse staring at you as you defile it.
    Face down, ass up.
    That’s how I like my corpses.
    I’m right there with you, buddy.
    The victim’s hospital gown had been rolled up above her belly button area, exposing her
    naked body from the waist down.
    When the witness entered the morgue, Byrd allegedly attempted to cover up the deceased
    woman by pulling down her gown.
    Despite Byrd claiming to have suffered a medical episode inside the freezer.
    He’s like, “Yeah, I had a seizure.
    I was able to take off my belt so I could bite down on it.
    I don’t swallow my tongue or whatever.”
    That’s not a bad defense.
    I’ve heard worse.
    He also said he had no recollection of subsequent events in the morgue freezer.
    Yeah, I blacked out.
    Forensic evidence tells a different story, though.
    Of course, investigators found Byrd’s DNA all over that deceased woman.
    Made a mess of her.
    Yes, she had passed away from natural causes.
    Post-mortem, rib fracture was also identified on the victim’s body.
    Byrd, 46, is now facing charges of crimes against a dead person and is scheduled for
    a preliminary hearing next month.
    Currently, he’s on supervised release until his court appearance.
    The hospital took swift action in response to reports from co-workers about the concerning
    behavior in the morgue.
    An internal investigation was initiated, a report was filed with law enforcement, and
    Byrd was subsequently fired from his position.
    The case underscores the need for vigilance in ensuring the dignity and respect of the
    deceased in medical facilities.
    Most people don’t want to fuck a corpse, but yeah, I get your point.
    Alright, second story we have for you today.
    In Beach Grove, Indiana, a former KFC employee is facing a felony charge after allegedly
    shooting a man in the head at the fast food restaurant on Tuesday night.
    Lord Douche and I stopped going to KFC for this exact reason.
    I mean, we weren’t shot at, but, you know, it’s piss poor customer service over there.
    This was bound to happen eventually.
    The Beach Grove Police Department responded to calls at around 7.54pm, reporting gunshots
    and a black male.
    Why are we so quick to start bringing race into these things?
    Like, was this shooting racially motivated?
    Actually, yes, it was.
    But, you know, there’s going to be that distorted view twist here in just a moment.
    Let’s read on.
    Upon arriving at 4035 South Emerson Avenue, officers discovered a man in critical condition
    with gunshot wounds to the head.
    The victim was rushed to the Eskenazi Hospital, where the bullet remained lodged in his head,
    rendering him unable to speak despite being conscious.
    I believe we have some audio of him trying to speak.
    It’s like a caterpillar cloud.
    This is the chemical I’m using.
    The bullet to the head really fucked him up.
    Court documents have provided more insight into the incident.
    For instance, the shooter went by the name RJ, although he was later identified as Roberto
    The victim, an employee at KFC, informed the police that he had been targeted by Pettis,
    who was terminated from his job earlier that day.
    The KFC manager corroborated the victim’s account, revealing that Pettis had been making
    threats to “shoot all the white people at the restaurant,” confirming my suspicion
    that KFC actually stands for “Kill Fucking Caucasians.”
    Whether it be from their unhealthy foods or a gunshot to the head, KFC employees vowed
    to get the job done.
    Oh, and remember that distorted view twist I was telling you about just a second ago?
    Well, even though the shooter vowed to kill all white people, the only one he ended up
    shooting was a black man.
    Right in the head.
    The Beach Grove Special Response Team and detectives apprehended Pettis at his residence
    in Kickapoo Trail, Indy’s east side, charging him with aggravated battery, which is a level
    three felony.
    Pettis admitted to making threatening statements in a group chat with other KFC employees.
    Why even bother denying it?
    Everyone has what you said on their phones.
    Lot of criminals being truthful and honest lately.
    The woman with her vibrator on the beach, this guy.
    Hope for humanity after all.
    He did deny being present at the KFC during the shooting.
    That he did not cop to.
    Court documents unveiled a history of threatening messages exchanged between Pettis and the
    victim throughout the day.
    Pettis claimed the victim had invited him to the KFC, but he insisted on his non-involvement
    in the shooting.
    Investigators are working to uncover the motive behind the incident, but suspect a connection
    between Pettis and the victim through a female employee at the same KFC location.
    Nothing more sad than a fast food love triangle.
    Remember when we made love next to the chicken tender fryer?
    That really meant a lot to me.
    According to Deputy Chief of Operations Tom Hurl, there was a relationship that exists
    between the suspect, the victim, and a female employee who also works at the restaurant.
    The victim has two children in common with the other employee, and that the other employee
    is expecting a child with the suspect.
    What a mess.
    The investigation continues to unfold as authorities delve into the complex relationships among
    those involved.
    It’s like a soap opera.
    This story has everything.
    Secret romances, secret recipes, seven herbs, seven spices, seven gunshots to the head.
    Tune in to the next exhilarating installment of As the Dark Meat Turns.
    You know, because everyone involved is black, even though he said he wanted to kill a white
    person, you see.
    That’s why I went there.
    All right, final story we have for you to jump.
    In the wee hours of November 27th, Christopher Boyd, a 32-year-old ex-con with a significant
    criminal record, was found to have a Smith & Wesson pistol concealed in his rectum.
    That’s very dangerous.
    One fart, you could blow someone’s head off.
    Police found the ass gun in his rectum upon being booked into a jail in Indiana.
    I have a feeling it was just, it wasn’t like all the way up in there.
    It was like resting in the crack, right?
    Although guns are kind of large, I can’t imagine you could just sort of stuff it in your pants,
    but not inside of you, right?
    Because there’s not that much space in between your ass and the jeans or whatever.
    Maybe the handle was inside of him or something.
    Let’s read on.
    The incident unfolded when Evansville police pulled over a vehicle at around 2 a.m.
    due to an obstructed license plate.
    While the driver and another passenger were eventually released after a search,
    Boyd, a passenger in the vehicle, underwent a pat-down that revealed a small bag with
    multiple pills in his right sock.
    Boyd claimed the narcotics were obtained from his Aunt Trish and is believed to be Percocet,
    which he reportedly used due to a bullet lodged in his spine, which kind of pairs nicely with
    the Smith & Wesson lodged in his anus.
    Despite asserting that he could not spread his legs far during the search due to his
    spinal injury, Boyd was searched before being placed in a cruiser.
    During this process, he tensed up when officers inquired about items in his groin or butt.
    Upon arriving at the county jail, Boyd walked with a limp and appeared to be clenching his
    butt cheeks.
    A body scanner detected a large object in his groin region.
    Really? Mr. Boyd, give me a call.
    Oh, it was the gun, duh.
    Still, I like bad boys.
    Where are we at?
    A body scanner detected a large object in his groin region, leading to a strip search
    that uncovered two plastic bags of marijuana tucked next to Boyd’s scrotum.
    Boyd, there is a lot going on in there.
    So much illegal activity in his nether regions.
    Drugs, guns.
    The awesome of it is he’s trying to smuggle some Mexicans across the border in his pants
    Yeah, we found a couple of Mexican babies under his foreskin.
    He’s trying to bring them in across the border.
    All right.
    Further investigation revealed an unknown object in Boyd’s rectum, and despite his
    continued resistance, officers discovered a handgun inside of him.
    I have trouble taking a fucking pinky up there.
    This hardened criminal is more of a bottom than I’ll ever be.
    All right.
    Further investigation revealed an unknown object in Boyd’s rectum, and despite his
    continued resistance, officers discovered a handgun inside of him.
    The weapon, identified as a Smith & Wesson bodyguard.
    Is that a big gun?
    I think it’s, oh, it’s about five inches.
    I like that they gave the dimensions here.
    It weighs 12 ounces and it measures about five inches.
    It was seized and secured in a patrol car.
    It remains unspecified whether the gun was loaded.
    Boyd’s criminal history includes prior convictions for attempted murder, burglary, and domestic
    He is subject to an active protective order and he’s been labeled a serious, violent
    felon and domestic batterer.
    Did I enunciate that well?
    That prohibits him from possessing a handgun.
    Boyd faces an array of felony charges, including drug-related offenses, firearm violations,
    and trafficking.
    He is currently being held without bond at the Vanderburgh County Jail.
    So there you go.
    That’s what’s happening in your world today.
    Freaks, let’s do a couple of voicemails and get the hell out of here.
    All right.
    Love to hear from you, freaks.
    And there are many ways to contact the show.
    I’m all over social media @distortedview on Twitter and Instagram.
    Got a bunch of patron calls today, so we got to play some of these.
    These are people who pledge at least $5 over there on Patreon.
    They get priority access to me during the voicemail segment.
    What a bonus.
    What a perk.
    Let’s start here.
    Yes, caller, go right ahead.
    Speak loud and clear, please.
    Hello, Tim.
    Happy Thursday.
    This one came in Thursday night, I guess, after I had posted the Friday show.
    I want to get into the Mead’s Dad Death Pool.
    Oh, yes.
    I don’t know if anybody’s set February 15th yet.
    But for personal reasons, it would be hilarious to watch February 15th.
    God damn it.
    Driving behind a semi.
    Anyway, so February 15th is my first ticket.
    Somebody already picked it.
    Okay, so that’s– February 15th is fine.
    Someone has picked February 14th, and I apparently didn’t know his name
    because I wrote his name down as Freedom Williams C&C Music Factory.
    I think that’s an identifier of sorts.
    But you want the 15th of February, which is fine.
    It’s available.
    I just need your name.
    February 15th, then January 27th.
    I guess I’ll use your phone number.
    January 27th is my birthday.
    That’d be a cool little stupid birthday gift.
    And then also, while we’re at it, let’s start a Tim Death Pool.
    No, I don’t like that idea at all.
    I say whoever wins the Tim Death Pool gets to become the new host of Distorted View.
    You get this entire empire.
    Or get to own all the rights and all this–
    It’s very Willy Wonka, right?
    Shit, crap.
    Lord Douche obviously isn’t going to continue–
    Lord Douche is like my Oompa Loompa.
    Um, so I’m going to say that you’re going to die on April 17th, 2042.
    Oh, well, that’s very generous of you, I think, right?
    Well, I think most people would guess it’s going to happen in the next five to ten years.
    All right, so let’s– why don’t we get a Tim Death Pool story?
    All right, well, you guys can do that.
    I’m not making that spreadsheet.
    I got my hands full with mead here, but thank you.
    Jimmy Beans, it’s your guy, Monkey Baby.
    For some fucking reason, my Bluetooth headset isn’t working.
    Oh, sorry, baby.
    It must be hard for you.
    No, it’s not working.
    Do you need daddy to buy you a new one?
    It’s fucking software client, so it’s really fucked.
    I’m going to have to shake that ass for him.
    Basically, the audio–
    I’m such like a predator to my listeners, aren’t I?
    I’m always asking for like dick pics and saying demeaning things to you.
    Coming out of my mouth.
    Yeah, shake that ass if you want a new Bluetooth headset from Timmy Boone.
    Flying through the air to my phone speaker, microphone pickup thingy.
    Getting transcoded into bloody packets.
    Getting shot across the fucking network.
    This is utterly fascinating for my listeners.
    Hikaru land, zipping across the Pacific Ocean on a cable,
    and then fucking bouncing across the US to somewhere to some fucking
    bullshit bot provider who then fucking send it off to the Google service
    who then stick it in your fucking mailbox.
    And that’s how the internet works.
    Then here’s me bitching about the fact my magic Bluetooth 5G nano bot headset’s not working.
    Fuck, man, what a time to be alive.
    Anyway, this fucking voicemail at this profound range of unadulterated–
    I wouldn’t call it profound.
    It probably isn’t going to come out.
    So fuck it, all this audio is getting as far as my face.
    Okay, all right, all right.
    Thank you very much.
    Shut up.
    Hey, Tim Mitchell or Trash here.
    I was just watching the show and I heard you say that sexual services are a part of our
    sideshow membership and I just had a question about that.
    Is that in addition to getting to call you a faggot or do I have to pick one or the other?
    Oh, I require it during sexual services.
    It’s not one or the other.
    It’s at the same time.
    All right, let’s do one more call here.
    Jimmy Boo, what it do?
    This is NecroVulture.
    I am driving in my semi and I am on I-75 crossing the river into, you guessed it, Cincinnati.
    Yeah, I know I-75.
    That shit show.
    So just thinking of you and all of the awesome, hilarious content and so I decided to–
    Watcha hauling?
    –give you a call and make sure that you are aware–
    Also, in addition to sexualizing my listeners and saying demeaning things to them, I like
    to pretend that I’m having a conversation with them when I’m playing these voicemails,
    like they’re actually going to respond.
    –sure that you are aware that the word “chess” was on an episode of South Park.
    I haven’t watched South Park in a while.
    Has there been new episodes?
    They’re so erratic when they come out.
    They’ll come out with a season of like six episodes and that’ll be it and then they’ll
    be off for a year.
    Sometimes they’re off for a year, sometimes they’re off for six months.
    You know, it’s like they have a couple seasons a year.
    I can’t keep track of it.
    Television has gotten so screwy.
    Like it used to be like all the new shows would come out in September and all the shows
    had like 20 some episodes a season.
    It would take you right to May, right?
    Or maybe yeah, end of May, beginning of June, that’s it.
    And then you’re off for the summer.
    You don’t have to worry about new shows.
    It’s all just crap in the summer.
    Reruns, catch up on the whatever you missed, and then it starts all back up in September.
    Now it’s all fucking crazy!
    You know, like network shows have eight episodes in a season sometimes and the season will
    start in mid-July.
    It’s like what?
    What the fuck is going on?
    And then don’t get me started what happens over there on Netflix and Hulu and stuff.
    They’ll have a successful series.
    They’ll be on Netflix, will be like, it’s the number one series on Netflix and then
    they cancel it after season three.
    Like that’s enough!
    Three seasons of three episodes.
    We told the story we needed to tell.
    TV has gone bonkers, man.
    All right, that is all the time we have on this edition of the show.
    Why don’t you guys email me?
    DistortedView.com is our official website.
    Voicemail line for you, 206-666-4463.
    That’s 206-66-oh god is it oh god.
    You want Santa Claus?
    Don’t you just take me.
    Fuck me.
    Fuck Santa’s ass.
    Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho
    Spread the distortion.
    Spread the distortion.
    Tell all your friends about the show.
    Don’t forget to give us a five-star rating, a thumbs up, or like, whatever you can rate
    and review podcasts.
    Tomorrow’s episode is going to be Sideshow exclusive.
    You want to hear it?
    Got to sign up.
    Otherwise, see you back on Wednesday.
    Until then, have a great day.
    Bye, everybody!
    And on Christmas, May cum fall down from the sky.
    This has been another excellent podcast
    from The Scrod Media Group.
    Learn more at scrod.net

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