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AI Transcript:

Hey freaks!

It’s Friday, December 1st, 2023.

Coming up on the program today, a new Christian theory suggests Christmas trees are just satanic altars and Santa Claus is the devil.

Plus, gay twinks gone wild.

One of them almost breaks a nail.

And the trailblazing livestreamer bringing racism back.

I’m having a depressed Christmas.

Just like the one I had last year.

My slit wrist glistens as I listen to the last Christmas song I’ll ever hear.

I’m having a depressed Christmas with this last letter that I write.

May your days be merry and bright and may all your Christmases be white.

The Distorted View Show with Tim Henson.

If I were to molest somebody, I definitely would have done anal no matter what.

Don’t get AIDS.

That’s what we call the watermelon hole.

Fill them pipes, bitches.

Are you on the internet?

Isn’t that for techno geeks with spreadsheets?

Ah, yes, everybody!

Timidji Henson here.

Wah!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

What else does Luigi say?

Ah, I don’t know.

I’m slightly higher than Mario, my brother, and I’m afraid of ghosts.

My favorite color is green.

This is how you know you’re talking to Luigi instead of Mario.

I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about.

I’m so sorry.

The show’s already derailed.

Just can’t have one normal day here.

Listen, I do have a great program for you.

It’s officially December.

Now we can get started, baby, with the Christmas season.

Now it just feels right.

Go, Santa, go.

You’ve got such a long way to go.

Go, Santa, go.

Go, go.

Go, go.

Color in there.

Get ready.

And away you go.

Go, Santa, go.

Go, go, go.

Go, Santa, go.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Don’t forget me, Santa Claus.

What?

What?

The only Christmas songs I know are the ones sung by the Wiggles.

You know, the most prolific musical act of the 21st century.

Yeah, I’m going to know some of their work.

You guys are the weird ones for not knowing “Go, Santa, go.

” Get with the program, idiots.

Anyways, now there’s no question.

We are at the start of the holiday season.

Ask anyone.

Unfortunately, we have to contend with this God-forsaken war on Christmas that rolls around every year, perpetrated by those liberal tranny democrats, spearheaded by George Soros and Starbucks and probably Target.

If wokeness is about to ruin something, chances are Target’s involved.

We all know that.

Today, though, I bring you a new warning.

Do not put a tree inside your house and decorate it because that’s idol worship.

A new shocking twist on the war on Christmas.

Stop putting up Christmas decorations.

This coming from a Christian.

And when you put the candy cane on the Christmas tree, and you take from the tree and eat the candy canes, now you’re looking for the tree to provide for you, so you’re idolizing the tree.

Okay, well, first of all, a candy cane is not going to provide you with anything except for sugar and empty calories.

Second of all, I bought the candy canes myself to decorate the fucking tree.

I know that tree isn’t providing anything.

That fucking tree wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for me.

I either bought it at a lot, and for the next goddamn month, I’m going to be picking up pine needles on the floor, or I purchased the thing at the department store, and I had to assemble it.

There’s no worshipping here.

As a matter of fact, I probably cursed at the tree the entire time I was putting it together.

Third, these Christians complain about everything.

That’s the easy part.

What I never hear out of their mouths are solutions.

Why do you think decorating a Christmas tree in your house is idol worship?

What’s the alternative?

You never hear them say, “Well, I built a giant Jesus effigy.

” It should be like Burning Man, you know?

Or if you don’t want to set a giant fire in your house, how about we start some new tradition?

Like every year, we take the oldest person in the family, and we crucify them.

Granny gets nailed up against the wall, and then we put all the presents underneath her.

I don’t know, I’m just spitballing some quick ideas here.

It’s more than Christians are doing.

Just trying to make things more religious.

I think that’s what he’s going for.

This is what he wants.

–for you, so you’re idolizing the tree.

This worship practice is for a demonic spirit.

The Christmas tree is an altar, a demonic altar for a spirit.

Some of y’all just gonna refer to him as Santa Claus.

So what do you do with altars?

You decorate it, and then you sacrifice something, give it offering, so for something in return, with Christmas, with Christmas, you decorate your tree, and then you sacrifice and give an offering of cookies and milk.

So now you’re allowing this spirit to come in your house, eat what you gave it, and– Am I nuts, or is he starting to make sense here?

All these things we do are kind of ceremonial, in a satanic way.

Santa is like a demon, and we’re inviting him in.

With these cookies we set out for him– –allowing this spirit to come in your house, eat what you gave it, and then, so, in return, for gifts.

When you mix up his name, Santa, Satan, Claus, Lucas, Lucifer, Hope, so you’re building an altar for Satan.

It has–the day has absolutely nothing to do with the mass of Christ.

Now, this is someone who doesn’t know any Wiggles Christmas songs, that’s for sure.

Just a little public service announcement, get rid of those trees.

Unless you’re planning to offer up a baby to the devil or something, ’cause that shit’s an altar!

Switching gears, but almost just as unexplainable, is what Elon Musk is doing to what used to be Twitter.

Now, I’m trying to refrain from being just a full-bloom hater here.

I’m honestly confused.

Maybe one of you freaks can call into the voicemail line and explain this to me.

Elon was being Elon.

He tweeted out some anti-Semitic shit, or stuff that could be construed as anti-Semitic, or was retweeting anti-Semitic shit.

Doesn’t matter.

Several large corporations who advertise on Twitter/X got spooked.

It was a combination, I guess, of what Elon was tweeting, and also, there have been multiple reports that advertisements were being displayed alongside bigoted and anti-Semitic tweets.

So, companies like IBM, and, I don’t know, Disney, Apple, all the big ones were like, “We’re gonna go ahead and just pause spending on Twitter.

We don’t want our ads appearing next to neo-Nazis.

” Now, what is fascinating to me is that Elon was recently interviewed, where he admitted, he’s like, “Look, that tweet, you know, the anti-Semitic shit, that was the dumbest thing I’ve ever tweeted.

It was a horrible move on my part.

” So, he’s like, sort of taking some responsibility.

He’s acknowledging that the tweets looked bad.

That’s like a step in the right direction to fixing the problem you’ve created here.

Then, he takes a massive step back, a leap back, one of those, like, space jumps back, like low gravity.

So, he’s like, he’s floating way out there, way behind where he was.

But there’s a public perception that that was part of an apology tour, if you will.

That this had been said online, there was all of the criticism, there was advertisers leaving.

We talked to Bob Iger today.

I hope they stop.

You hope?

Don’t advertise.

You don’t want them to advertise?

No.

What do you mean?

If somebody’s going to try to blackmail me with advertising, blackmail me with money, go fuck yourself.

But, go fuck yourself.

Is that clear?

I hope it is.

Hey, Bob, if you’re in the audience.

He’s referring to Bob Iger of Disney.

Now, this was a badass move.

Let’s give props where props are due, you know?

My only issue with what he said is that he later then wants to play the victim.

He literally says, these guys who won’t advertise, they’re going to kill my company.

It’s all their fault.

It’s like, well, you’re not exactly welcoming right now.

Go fuck yourself.

That does not encourage companies to return to your platform.

And to be perfectly frank, before this quote unquote boycott, that’s Elon’s word for it, I don’t recall a lot of Apple or Disney ads.

I mostly see Cheech and Chong weed gummy ads.

That’s who’s really advertising on X.

Actually, what this advertising boycott is going to do, it’s going to kill the company.

Oh, okay.

So maybe you shouldn’t have said fuck you to the people who could keep your business afloat.

Now, you know, of course, Elon is a billionaire.

He could keep this thing going for a while, but I’m pretty sure Elon owes billions and billions of dollars, like in interest payments and shit like that.

Eventually, it’s going to become too much of a headache for him.

Like, it’s going to be too much of a suck, a money suck.

And you think that the whole world will know that those advertisers killed the company, and we will document it in great detail.

But those advertisers, I imagine, are going to say, “We didn’t kill the company.

” Oh, yeah?

They’re going to say.

.

.

Tell it to Earth.

But they’re going to say.

.

.

This is where Elon gets so fucking weird.

Like, a lot of you have probably heard the “fuck you” part of this interview, because it was widely circulated.

But this is even more interesting to me.

He keeps saying, “Earth will know what these companies did.

” I imagine they’re going to say, “We didn’t kill.

.

.

” I think he overestimates how important the average person thinks Twitter is.

I mean, there’s the weirdos on Twitter who are always like, “Rah, rah, Elon.

He’s our savior.

” But by and large, if Twitter went away, would it really affect your life?

Really?

The company?

Oh, yeah?

They’re going to say.

.

.

Tell it to Earth.

But they’re going to say, “Elon, you killed the company because you said these things, and that they were inappropriate things, and that they didn’t feel comfortable on the platform.

” That’s what they’re going to say.

I mean, taking Elon out of the equation.

.

.

Remember when Kanye West said all sorts of weird anti-Semitic shit?

He lost business.

Adidas was like, “We don’t want to make shoes with you anymore.

” It’s not unusual to sever business ties when it comes out that you’re a complete fucking weirdo.

See how Earth responds to that.

When he says that, it sounds as if he’s an alien talking about the inhabitants of this strange planet.

Let’s see how Earth responds.

I mean, if the company fails because of an advertised boycott, it will fail because of an advertised boycott.

And that will be what bankrupts the company, and that’s what everybody on Earth will know.

That’s going to be the takeaway.

Disney made Twitter go bye-bye!

What do you think, then, of the idea of trust, though?

It’ll be gone, and it’ll be gone because of an advertised boycott.

But you recognize that some of those people are going to say that they didn’t feel comfortable on the platform.

And I just wonder and ask you, and think about that for a second.

Tell it to the judge.

But the judge is going to be.

.

.

The judge is the public.

Cuckoo!

So, things are continuing to go well over there on X.

Never a dull moment, that’s for fucking sure.

Also exciting is a fight I recently found between two guys.

Now, this video starts off with a man in a car with a female.

I assume they were dating.

Then, some guy opens their door from outside and tries to drag the guy out.

Your first thought is, “Oh, this might be a jealous ex-boyfriend, someone after her poon.

” But it’s very quickly obvious that it’s a homosexual.

Get out.

Get out.

Get out.

You’re going to drag me out?

Get out.

You’re going to drag me out?

Get out.

You’re going to drag me out?

Get out.

As he’s telling this guy to get out of the car, he’s lifting up his hands, and that’s when you see he’s got extremely long manicured nails.

Yes, we’re dealing with at least one homosexual here.

I don’t want to be racist or anything, but when you see a black homosexual with long nails, that’s the one you need to bet on to win a fight.

This little queen could tear you up.

Still unclear if the guy sitting in the car is gay.

He’s sounding more homosexual with every second of this video.

You’re going to drag me out?

Get out.

You’re going to drag me out?

Get out.

You’re going to drag me out?

Get out.

It doesn’t sound like a straight dude talking.

A straight guy would be like, “Get the fuck out of my car.

I’m going to beat the hell out of you.

” It’s around this time in the video where you actually get a shot of the hand of the guy who’s sitting down, and he’s got long nails too.

They’re blue.

My money is still on the scrappy black guy.

Are you going to drag me out?

Get out.

Are you going to drag me out?

Can I pop your seatbelt off?

Nope.

He’s unbuckling the dude’s seatbelt.

Pop it off.

Hello.

Don’t touch me.

You’re touching me though.

I can touch you if I want to.

No, you can’t.

If you can touch me, how come I can’t touch you?

Because I’m the fucking queen.

I don’t think anyone’s going to argue you on that point.

I can’t touch you.

Because I’m the fucking queen.

No, don’t touch me.

Bitch, if I want to touch you, I want to touch you.

Don’t touch me.

Alex, don’t touch me.

Race 4, Homosexual Twink Edition.

Don’t touch me.

Bitch, don’t you fucking touch me.

Bitch.

Bitch, what the fuck?

Oh, they’re punching.

Now, here’s the thing.

White guy is at a disadvantage because he kept re-buckling his seatbelt every time the black guy was trying to unbuckle him.

So he’s still stuck in his seat.

All he can do is sort of lean over and punch the guy.

Bitch, I’m going to fuck you.

There he goes.

He finally unbuckled his seatbelt.

What?

I’m going to fuck your ass up.

What?

Bitch.

Black guy makes a tactical error by kicking.

You should never kick.

Most people aren’t good at it.

They don’t kick fast enough.

And it’s so easy to just like grab your leg and flip you over.

Trip you, make you fall.

You’re in a very vulnerable position.

The fight started off, it seemed, with punches being thrown.

And then as soon as the kick was in the air, then it just turned into like a slap fight.

Bitch.

Fuck.

Ladies.

Guys, we’re in a neighborhood.

The last thing we need right now is commentary by the breeder.

What?

What if they call the cops?

What?

What if they call the cops?

I’m on probation.

Bitch.

Not what?

What?

Don’t fucking touch me.

I think Black Twink just wants to be sent back to prison.

That’s his ultimate goal.

He loved it there.

He was like the belle of the ball.

Who wants to be my husband tonight?

Send both of these flamers to jail.

Black homo.

White homo.

This could be a remake of Black Mama, White Mama.

Okay, move along there.

Black Mama, White Mama.

Two of the toughest chicks ever put behind bars.

Fate tossed them together in the same prison, but their color kept them apart until they escaped.

Yeah, this could be the Brokeback Mountain of this generation, you know?

Bound together by chains, hate, and the erotic desires a woman gets after a thousand nights without a man.

See?

Black Mama, White Mama.

Black Twink, White Twink.

Two of the most cock-hungry, hairless waifs ever put behind bars.

Fate brought them together.

And sex brought them even closer.

I’m inside your guts.

Black Twink, White Twink.

No more fear.

Black Friday’s here.

So hot, yet so green.

Yeah, managed to fit in a Black Friday segment today.

Not bad.

Finishing up with this clip here, it appears everyone involved is a piece of shit.

You walking my ass out of motherfucking– Guys, I’m not supposed to have this car.

What if they call the cops?

We should go somewhere else.

Yo ass, don’t fuck with me.

They don’t seem to care that Kaylee wasn’t supposed to be driving.

Guys, seriously, I could lose my license.

I wasn’t supposed to steal any more cars.

All right, are we done here?

We should go somewhere else.

Yo ass, don’t fuck with me.

Don’t beat his– You should settle this like civilized homosexuals.

With a felch off.

That’s how we do it in my hood.

My nail fucking hurts.

Well, there’s the ultimate tragedy of this entire situation.

You ripped part of his nail.

Now he’s going to have to take it off, glue a new one back on.

It’s going to be a whole thing.

I hope you’re happy.

A couple other short clips before we get into the news.

Do you remember Andy?

He is a newer Utard who wears diapers.

He says because he’s autistic.

His whole thing is he can’t determine when he actually needs to go to the bathroom.

It’s best he just wears diapers.

Everyone in his life, though, seems to think that Andy is just a shit freak.

This is a fetish for him.

The evidence of this, according to his parents, is that he didn’t have autism until his 20s.

Also, he was able to control his bowel movements until he realized making people change his dirty diaper gave him a rock hard boner.

Then all of a sudden he lost control of his bowels.

Now in the clip I have for you today, Andy is at the hospital or doctor’s office desperately trying to get that autism diagnosis, I guess.

Doctors are being uncooperative.

Andy gets very upset.

Hey, can I ask you?

Can I ask you for your name?

Can I ask you for that guy’s name?

I’d like to please have that guy’s name, that’s all.

I’d like to make sure I get a good picture of him.

Can I have his name, please?

I’d like to know your name.

My patient writes.

Can I please leave?

Sir, no.

The doctors can’t help.

Why?

The doctors can’t help.

I want to leave.

That noise you heard, and I’ll play it again, is Andy spitting on this man.

I want to leave.

Hey, man, come on.

I want to leave.

Can I please leave?

No.

I have a right.

Dude, watch out.

That’s how you’re going to be.

I’m asking to leave.

I have a right to leave.

Before you leave after that crap.

I’m sorry, but you can’t hold me against my will.

I’m asking to leave.

Well, they just locked him in the room.

And I’m glad to be arrested.

I don’t want to be in hospital.

Growing up, Andy apparently didn’t talk like a baby either.

This is a relatively new development.

I don’t want to be in the hospital.

Hospital.

I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, but I have a right to leave.

Dude, you spit on someone.

I have a right to leave.

Now he’s kicking the door.

Why?

Why?

I have a right to leave.

You can’t just hold me against my will unless you have a court order or put me in a mental hold.

I think the mental hold thing could probably be arranged later.

Or maybe this is another time at the hospital.

He claims abuse.

Abuse by my dad.

He abuses me.

I don’t feel safe.

Andy, we just need you to sit in the wheelchair for right now.

I’m leaving.

That’s fine, but I need you to sit in the wheelchair.

No, I want to leave.

All right, but sit in the wheelchair.

No, I want to leave.

It’s my right.

I understand that, Andy.

You’re holding me against my will.

First of all, if they do release him like he wants, where the fuck is Andy going to go?

He can’t drive.

You’re just going to hang out outside of the hospital until your dad picks you up?

I don’t want to walk out of here.

I don’t want to be abused.

I don’t want to get hurt.

I don’t want to be unsafely discharged.

I don’t feel safe being abused.

I cannot take care of myself.

I cannot make decisions.

All right, well, that’s not going to help your argument that you deserve to be discharged.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

I can’t make decisions for myself.

I’m an invalid.

I just scream and poop my pants.

It’s like, yeah, the hospital’s not going to just let you do whatever you want.

They’re going to call the shots.

Oh, Andy, what a moron.

All right, well, there you go.

There’s a little diaper Andy update for you.

And finally, before we get into the news today, you know, one thing I can’t seem to get into is watching live streamers, specifically gamers.

I mean, I guess I can sort of understand having it in the background while you’re doing something else, but just to sit there and watch someone play another game for hours and hours, it doesn’t appeal to me.

That being said, I feel like Zerkaa over there on kick is really bringing something new to the table.

He is spicing up his content, making it palatable, I think, for the distorted view crowd.

Take a listen.

He’s kind of bragging about his accomplishments this year.

I guess.

I am the first live streamer in history to bring rape jokes.

What a pioneer.

I’m pretty sure there’s been live streamers who have attempted rape jokes before.

They’re no longer around.

Rape content is very tricky, but Zerkaa here is saying that he’s able to thread that needle.

First live streamer in history to bring rape jokes with girls in the room laughing, trying to fuck me like who the fuck can do that?

I brought pedophilia back in the game like it’s LimeWired2001.

First of all, you mean pedophilia jokes, right?

You’re not actually bringing pedophilia to kick, are you?

For those of you that don’t know, kick is like Twitch, but not as restrictive.

It’s kind of like anything goes, including possibly pedophilia.

Truly is the Wild West over there.

All right.

Continue on, my friend.

By the way, LimeWire was a haven for pedophile content.

It was a very dicey time in the early 2000s.

You’d think you’d be downloading a Madonna music video or something.

Next thing you know, you’re watching a five-year-old blow an elephant or something crazy.

Without apologizing, I was the first to bring racism back.

Well, it’s time.

I’ve been saying that now for years.

When I got on Keem and everyone was, “Oh, he said that.

He said, “I’m getting punched for saying nigger in the face on live stream.

Who do you know that dedicated to the n-word?

This is the only black soul on kick.

I want my reparations.

Lift my shadow band.

I don’t need that pigment band.

Take that color off me.

” Well, he sounds like a very intelligent fellow.

According to Zerkaa’s profile here, he says, “I am a full-time bouncer that went viral and did half a million views overnight.

” Maybe for saying the n-word?

I’m the first influencer to say white power and mean it?

He’s got 57,000 followers over there on kick.

I’m looking through some of his other clips.

There’s one where a girl, I don’t know if this is his girlfriend, is getting ready to straddle him.

Get on the stick, bitch.

Are you a spick?

Spick?

Are you a Puerto Rican?

Yeah.

Half?

So is my ex.

So is my ex, all right?

Yeah, show that spick pussy, you dirty fucking immigrant bitch.

Build the fucking wall, you spick fucking, chop my lawn off.

It’s strange, you go through his clips, but you don’t get an idea of what he does.

Like, is this it?

I don’t think he plays video games.

He’s more of a in-real-life streamer.

And quite the influencer.

I’m looking at his Twitter sheet.

Have you said the n-word today?

Question mark, coward.

Women are either sex workers or sex workers light.

Pussy looks fucking gross.

Ladies, the fuck you doing?

I’m going to like that.

Like that tweet.

Give that a heart.

I’m right there with you, buddy.

My first love will always be racism.

The man has a lot to say.

So that’s Zerka over there on kick.

And with that, let’s get into the crazy bizarre twist of the Fucked Up News.

All right, now.

If you enjoy distorted view daily, please consider signing up for the side show.

It’s our member site where every week I do brand new exclusive shows just for paying freaks.

Right now, it’s two times a week.

Starting in 2024, the year of our Lord, A.

D.

, whatever.

We’ll be doing three sideshow exclusive episodes every week.

So it’s a great time to sign up right now.

A fan favorite returned on yesterday’s sideshow exclusive podcast.

We did our first insensitive reenactment in a long time.

Check it out.

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If you happen to use Apple podcast or Spotify, you can sign up right in those apps.

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Just a few taps and you’ll see the exclusive shows right alongside the free episodes of DB.

For more information on all the ways to sign up, go to distorted view dot com.

And of course, super freak sideshow dot com.

One final way to help support the show.

We’ve got a Patreon account.

Patreon dot com slash distorted view.

You can pledge as little as a dollar over there.

If you pledge at least five, you get access to a special voicemail line where I will play your calls first.

I believe we have a bunch of patrons calling in today.

We’ll get to those in just a few minutes.

Oh, I should also mention the distorted view store.

Go to distorted view dot com.

We’ve got new T-shirts, sweatshirts, hoodies, magnets, beer mugs and glasses and shot glasses and stuff.

You know, tons of distorted view merchandise.

Check it out.

All reasonably priced, I might add.

Just go to distorted view dot com and click on shop or store or whatever.

You’ll see it.

It is now well integrated into the brand new distorted view dot com site.

By the way, check out our new website.

It nearly killed me putting that new one up.

It was fighting me every fucking inch of the way.

Was pretty dicey there for a couple of days over there.

Distorted view dot com.

You may have received a bunch of server errors.

Whoopsie.

All is settled now.

All right.

Three very quick stories, then we’ll get the hell out of here.

First up, looky here.

This one just happens to come from our most fucked up state.

Say it with me.

Florida.

Our most fucked up state.

Today we’re dealing with a Florida woman.

The news story starts off in a very Florida way.

While members of the SWAT team.

Yeah, our story begins with the SWAT team already being called in.

While members of the SWAT team were conducting a search of Ariella Messina’s backpack, they stumbled upon meth and various narcotics.

Again, this is Florida, so that in itself is just not noteworthy at all.

You’re practically issued meth when you cross the border into Florida.

It’s part of the welcome pack.

You get a glass of Florida orange juice and some methamphetamines.

All right.

Despite the serious situation, the 27 year old Messina had an unusual request for law enforcement.

Please don’t take my dildo away from me.

I feel it in my fucking cunt.

I hope so.

It’s a dildo.

Must be like a security blanket type thing for her.

She needs to feel that dildo in her cunt.

According to a police report, Messina made a plea for her blue vibrator.

Please don’t take blue boy away from me.

What do you think, Joe?

Cartwheels?

She also called the vibrator Earth’s pilot light.

I see the flames.

They’re blue.

All different types of blue.

Red, blue, green, blue, blue, blue.

Man, if you’re a new listener to Distorted View Daily, you’re probably confused.

Like, what the hell is this guy talking about?

Dragnet.

I’m quoting an old Dragnet episode, you uncultured slobs.

Reality, man, reality.

I could see the center of the Earth.

Purple flame down there, the pilot light.

All the way down.

Purple flame down there, the pilot light.

That’s how you know you’re being fucked by a real good dildo.

You barely make sense.

You’re gooning out.

My name’s blue boy.

What do you think, Joe?

Cartwheels?

No, I prefer jumping jacks.

It gets your heart rate up faster.

We’re not talking about exercising, right?

Let’s just get back into the story.

Yeah, she wanted her blue vibrator.

After investigators uncovered it in the backpack, alongside the adult toy, the backpack also contained Messina’s driver’s license and a necklace bearing her name.

Cute.

Law enforcement officials noted that Messina’s request for her sex toy indicated her awareness of the backpack’s content, establishing a connection between her and the illicit substances found.

So she couldn’t claim, like, “That’s not my backpack.

” That dildo did her in.

The search, executed with a warrant early Tuesday morning at a residence in Jensen Beach, Florida, resulted in the confiscation of cocaine, ting, meth, ting, drug paraphernalia, and brass knuckles.

This bitch goes hard.

Messina was among five individuals arrested at the scene.

Aside from the adult toy, the police discovered a substance in the backpack that tested positive for meth and muscle relaxants, without a valid prescription.

At the time of her arrest on November 21st, Messina was already on probation due to a 2022 conviction of possession of cocaine.

Oh, and ecstasy, and marijuana.

Our girl here is like a walking street pharmacy.

When asked what she was high on, she said, “All of them.

All of the drugs.

I’m high on everything.

” No, she did not say that.

She was booked into the county jail on two felony drug counts.

She’s currently being held in custody with a bond set at $10,000.

As for the whereabouts of her dildo, we don’t know if it was confiscated or if it remains in Messina’s possession.

Which is kind of the most important part of the story, if you ask me.

I need to know what happened to that dildo!

I’m so invested in this tale!

I doubt I’m going to be able to sleep tonight.

I’m just going to be tossing and turning, wondering about the blue dildo.

Blue boy.

Alright, second story we have for you today.

You know how I kind of insinuated that everyone in Florida has some meth on them?

Well, that brings us to our next news story, which also comes from our most fucked up state.

[Singing] There are so many kind of parallels to these two stories, yet there are some direct opposite details.

It’s like, I don’t know, it’s like the same news story from Bizarro World.

First news story had to do with Florida woman, now we’re dealing with Florida man.

Check this out.

When a corrections officer discovered a plastic cylinder containing meth beneath his penis, 46-year-old Caleb Phillips, a Florida man, disclaimed ownership of the narcotics, asserting that he was “unsure of how the package even got in his underwear.

” So instead of a dildo, we’ve got a plastic cylinder, which was placed underneath his penis.

Both stories involve meth.

Both obviously have a history with law enforcement, right?

I mean, the woman in the last story has a record.

This guy has a corrections officer.

Let’s read on.

The incident went down on November 27th, as Phillips was undressing from his civilian clothing and changing into his jail clothing at the Indian River County Jail.

Phillips had been arrested on Monday on a warrant related to a failure to appear in court concerning a pending 2022 DUI case.

According to reports, Phillips informed a sheriff deputy that he did not place the cylinder in his underwear.

Did you not feel it?

It’s a cylinder, right?

Like any hard object you would feel in your underwear, especially if it’s rubbing up against your boys.

This is an awful defense.

You had so much time to come up with a good story here.

Alright, yes, Phillips informed a sheriff deputy that he did not place the cylinder in his underwear, but speculated that the meth had been somehow placed there while he was asleep.

Someone got a visit from the meth fairy last night.

He must have been a very good boy.

You guys have never heard of the meth fairy?

Pretty much like the tooth fairy.

As a matter of fact, the meth fairy also takes teeth, but only teeth that fall out due to excessive meth use.

They have to be rotting, at least a little black, and it has to stink.

That’s what attracts the meth fairy.

The smell of rot.

Phillips did not identify the person responsible for allegedly placing the meth in his underwear.

He ain’t no snitch.

Despite disavowing knowledge of the cylinder, Phillips suggested that he believed it contained Advil pills.

Not meth.

Like, why would you smuggle in Advil?

There’s no need to hide Advil in your pants.

Law enforcement noted that the meth was found inside a small package of Advil within the cylinder.

That indicated that Phillips was aware of the clear container’s contents.

Oh yeah, at first he was like, “I didn’t even know anything was there!

” Now he knows that it was supposed to be Advil.

Phillips now faces charges of narcotics possession and smuggling contraband into a detention facility.

That’s classified as felonies, I believe.

He’s currently being held without bond and is scheduled for arraignment on January 4th.

Notably, Phillips has a criminal history that includes prior convictions for DUI, resisting arrest, he won a possession, fleeing or eluding, possession of drug paraphernalia, how many more are there here?

leaving the scene of an accident, disorderly intoxication, and driving without a license.

So there you go.

That is what’s happening in Florida today.

One final news story.

I’m pretty sure this is a distorted view update.

I have a shitty memory, but the term “poop-filled Pringle can” sticks out in my head for some reason.

That’s something you don’t easily forget.

The Supreme Court of Ohio has suspended criminal defense attorney Jack A.

Blakeslee for one year, with six months stayed, following an incident where he threw a Pringles potato chip can filled with his own feces into the parking lot of the county’s crime victim advocacy center.

Isn’t that ironic?

The crime victim advocacy center was a victim of a crime.

A particularly nasty one.

In a per curiam opinion, don’t know those words, the superior court, in a divided decision, concluded that Blakeslee’s conduct adversely reflected on his fitness to practice law.

Blakeslee asserted that his actions were not targeting anyone specifically, but rather stemmed from a habit of placing his waste in Pringles cans.

Well, that right there, like that alone should disqualify you from being a lawyer.

You should be disbarred if it’s found out that you poop in Pringles cans.

Although when you think about it, it kind of is the perfect container for various turds.

I would say type one through, well definitely through type three.

Type one of course is the separate hard lumps, you know, nuggets.

Type two is if you stick all those balls together to fashion a log.

Type three is, you know, just a hard, long turd.

Again, perfect for a Pringles can that’s long and cylindrical.

Now type four is also sausage shaped, but it’s smooth and soft, and I feel like that could just get messy.

I wouldn’t risk it.

If I knew I, if I was suffering from type four bowel movements, I’d go for a wider mouth container.

The other problem with type four shits are, okay, they’re soft, right, and a little mushy, and they’re also sticky.

So again, would not risk it.

I wish people were still saying that phrase, “Thanks for coming to my TED talk,” because this is the perfect place to say that, but I don’t want to come off as lame, right?

Using old slang.

I need you guys to think that I’m a cool dude.

I ain’t a dweeb, I’m rad.

Anyway, this weird-ass lawyer had a habit of placing his waste in Pringles cans.

Like, okay, like, aside from shitting in Pringles cans, you know, just the act of that, what I find hilarious is that someone eats that many Pringles.

You know, the cans are just always available.

Like, when’s the last time you ate Pringles?

It’s such a weird thing to have an abundance of.

Like, I don’t know, maybe I’ll have a can of Pringles a year, or two years.

Every two years, I’ll buy a can of Pringles.

You know, when I think of potato chips, like, when I want potato chips, I don’t think of Pringles.

I just, you know, get a bag of Lay’s or Ruffles or the store brand or whatever.

Pringles, I mean, they’re good.

Don’t get me wrong.

I like a Pringles.

I like their pizza flavored variety.

I like the cheddar, the sour cream and onion.

They’re all great.

I don’t want you to think I’m disparaging Pringles.

It’s just, it’s odd.

I just, I don’t even think of Pringles as an option most of the time.

Again, thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

Apparently, he admitted that, you know, he shits in the Pringles cans, and then he will randomly toss them from his car while traveling.

That’s littering, sir.

You’re a lawyer.

You should know better.

The court, however, found clear and convincing evidence that Blakeslee deliberately chose the Haven of Hope parking lot as his drop zone to prank victim advocates whom he had known for years and whom he would likely encounter in court shortly after the incident.

Despite the Board of Professional Conduct recommending a public reprimand, the court deemed a more substantial sanction necessary to protect the public.

The opinion emphasized that attorney discipline aims to safeguard the public rather than simply punish the offender.

The court stated, “The evidence in this case shows that despite societal standards of cleanliness and decorum, Blakeslee failed to control his own bizarre impulses to place feces-filled cans out in public for unsuspecting people to find.

His aberrant conduct has adversely reflected on his own fitness to practice law and brought discredit to the profession through significant media attention.

” So there you go.

He loves his Pringles.

You know, once you pop, you can’t stop.

He also can’t stop pooping in those Pringles cans.

That, my friends, is your distorted news for Friday.

Let’s do a couple voicemails and get the hell out of here.

Freaks, you and I, we did it together.

We made it through another week.

I want you to go out and have a great time this week and go celebrate.

You deserve it.

All right.

Many ways to contact the show.

Show@distortedview.

com.

I’m all over social media @distortedview on Twitter and Instagram.

Facebook.

com/distortedviewshow.

Voicemail line for you.

Very important phone number.

Put this in your phone, your contacts.

You can label it as Timmy Boo or Distorted View.

Faggot!

I mean, I guess you could put me in your phone as that.

I don’t like that, though.

There are much better options.

Pretty Pony, Clippity Clop, Clippity Clop.

Yeah, you could put me in there as Pretty Pony.

Please don’t forget to add the Clippity Clop.

Anyway, I’m sorry.

Voicemail line for you.

206-666-4463.

And remember, if you are a patron over there, pledging at least $5, you get access to a special voicemail line where I will play your calls first.

And yes, we do have some patrons checking in.

Hello.

So I’m listening to, I think, an episode from October.

Oh, that was a bad month.

Skip over October.

And you were talking about.

.

.

All of October.

Every episode was a stinker.

And you were talking about Britt in her abortion and saying you would think you would tell other people about it.

Well, I’ll tell you, I did not tell the person I got knocked up by.

He did not know.

He didn’t know I was pregnant.

Really?

I said that?

I said if a woman gets an abortion, you would think she would have told the person that knocked her up?

Huh.

I don’t know if that’s always true.

I don’t know why I said that.

See, those October shows are fucked up.

I mean, there are some instances where you probably wouldn’t want to tell the guy.

He did not know.

He didn’t know I was pregnant.

But he did not know that I had an abortion.

And I’m okay with him not knowing.

Perfectly okay with that.

I made my choice.

Yeah, you do, girl.

And I never had to deal with the guy again, thankfully.

Yeah, makes sense to me.

I don’t know what I was thinking back in October.

Sometimes I just say things to fill up space, you know.

If I ever say anything on this podcast and you’re like, “Hmm, that doesn’t sound right,” or “I don’t agree with that,” just call into the voicemail line and ask me about it.

Chances are, first of all, I’ll have no recollection of saying it.

And there’s a 50% chance I don’t even agree with what I said back then.

I mean, I stand by my opinion that Britney is crazy, though.

So he did stalk me for a few years.

But whatever.

Oh, well, he doesn’t sound like he would be a good father.

So I think you made the right decision.

Hey, Boo, back at home here.

Long time caller, first time listener.

Hey, you remember the “Love Has Won” cult with that crazy psycho Amy Carlson?

And then even after she died, like the cult continued on, they just like strung her corpse with Christmas lights and stuff.

Yeah, utterly bizarre.

The HBO documentary of that just dropped.

It might have some good show audio.

It’s pretty short.

There’s only like three hour long episodes.

Oh, thank God.

I mean, sometimes they go seven, ten episodes.

And I’m like, oh, my God.

40 minute episodes.

Yeah, I can handle that.

But there’s some pretty great stuff in there.

Like, I had no idea that Amy Carlson was like so much of a Gale Cord Shuler type.

Like, instead of Brett Spiner, it’s Robin Williams.

Oh, I had no idea.

I don’t think or at least I don’t remember.

And like, there’s a point.

Gale could be a great cult leader.

She just lacks ambition, I think.

Or like they talk about how like silver is really good for you and like the criticism is.

Fucking colloidal silver shit.

Turn you blue.

And they’re talking about how, oh, no, it’s only when like people do it wrong because of like, I think they say some like fuck cards like the cash.

Everyone thinks that silver is bad, but that’s not going to happen to our mother.

God, meanwhile, she’s looking like a fucking Smurf corpse.

It’s pretty fucking great.

I would highly recommend it.

I mean, maybe I’ve got that HBO Max or Max or whatever the hell they’re calling it.

I’m going to watch that not for show content and just to everyone else.

It’s pretty solid.

There’s some good clips there.

There’s even footage that I’m like fucking around and playing with their corpse.

It’s pretty great.

I highly recommend.

I’m into that.

Yeah, I’m going to I’ll screen it and I will bring you the best clips here on TV.

Jimmy Bullets, DJC calling from the Tesla of love to send my love to you because you are the greatest.

Thank you.

Anyway, I wanted to.

Hey, are you excited that Cybertruck is finally available?

Oh, my God.

Like, like, I don’t want to shit on Elon Musk too much, but I never thought the Cybertruck was particularly attractive.

But, you know, it’s a unique design and, you know, that’s what we need.

I’m sick of the same fucking dumb designs and cars.

He’s trying something new.

I appreciate that.

However, I heard like the the price of the truck is at least 20 to 30 thousand dollars more than what he quoted back in 2019.

And I understand there’s inflation, but Jesus, 30 thousand dollars worth of inflation.

And also the range isn’t very good on it.

And so, like, it’s it’s I don’t know.

I hope DJC is not thinking about getting a Cybertruck.

Wait, wait for version two.

Tell you that.

Do not turn off your ads.

Please don’t turn off your ads.

Make that shutter.

Get them box, baby.

Get them box.

That is.

Yeah, you like the advertisements that people have been complaining about.

Well, look, I have checked out the stats here.

It looks like as of yesterday, there’s been a huge drop off in the number of ads being played.

So I think maybe the whoever is advertising their spending or their campaign is coming to an end.

But what I would like to do is I think I can get it so that the mid roll ads, the ads that appear in the middle of the show, will take place right before we get into the news.

You know, like when I say, let’s get into the crazy bizarre twisted news right now.

And then there’s that little bit of music that plays, I think, right there would be a good spot, you know, for the middle of the show commercial if I ever get another sponsor.

So I’m going to try to designate that that spot in the future.

So so it’s you know, the ads don’t appear or like don’t cut me off mid fucking sentence, because as you know, everything that comes out of my mouth is very important.

And you know, you need to hear it for you.

I am not upset at you.

I’m just upset at the ad placement.

And I didn’t think it was you.

I thought it was like, well, yes, I understand what you’re saying.

It’s like an automated thing.

They just stick it in wherever.

Now, if I put in the in the work, I can sort of designate spots in every episode through this company I work with.

And so I guess I’m going to have to do that.

But, you know, we as are so infrequent.

Todd or my car or something.

Yeah.

I’m like, this isn’t Jimmy.

Jimmy doesn’t.

But absolutely.

But if you can set up a beginning with show, that’d probably be the best.

Well, they see there’s these different things like in the in the ad world.

There’s a couple of types of ads you can run, like pre-roll, which is at the top of the show.

Mid-roll is in the middle.

And then I’m guessing post-roll at the end of the show.

And, you know, for whatever reason, these people wanted the commercial to air in the middle of the show.

And that’s what they did.

So, again, in the future, hopefully we’ll get that all taken care of.

So it’s not quite as jarring.

That is all the time we have on this edition of the program.

Want you guys to email me show at distorted view dot com distorted view dot com is our official website.

Voicemail line for you.

Two oh six six six six forty four sixty three.

That’s two oh six six six.

Oh God, is it?

Oh God.

I was the first to bring racism back.

Spread the distortion STD.

Tell all your friends about the show.

Don’t forget to rate us and review us over there on Apple podcast.

We’ve got like what?

Almost nine hundred reviews over there.

Spotify, which is one of the the newer apps where distorted view is offer.

We’re killing it over there.

We’ve got over 200 reviews.

And as a matter of fact, subscriptions on Spotify are up 26 percent or something like that.

Twenty three percent year over year.

Almost a quarter of Spotify listeners came on board this last year, which is really cool.

Great to see, you know, the the numbers growing on that service.

Thank you to everyone who’s listening over there.

And thank you so much for a great week of programs, guys.

What a what a fun bunch of shows.

You know, we talked to my mom.

I don’t have kiddie milk.

She gave me one of my favorite sound bites of the year.

We did an insensitive reenactment.

Great week of programs.

And it’s all thanks to you.

Could not do it without you.

I’ll be back on Monday to do it all over again.

Until then, have a great weekend, guys.

Bye, everybody.

It’s Friday, baby.

Yeah, it’s the weekend, baby.

Fuck.

Yeah.

Friday, baby.

Fuck.

Fuck.

The weekend, baby.

Fuck.

This has been another excellent podcast from the Scrob Media Group.

Learn more at Scrod.net.