In a shocking incident last month, Arizona authorities have arrested Randall Byrd, a former hospital security guard.

Uh-oh.
Longtime listeners of the show might know where this is going.
You know, when hospital workers are arrested, typically it’s easier because, you know, they
were smuggling drugs or they were doing something they shouldn’t to the patients.
This guy wasn’t even a doctor, you know?
He’s not trying to uphold some sort of oath.
All right, Randall, what did you do?

Yes, authorities have arrested Randall Byrd, a former hospital security guard at Banner
University Medical Center in Phoenix, on multiple charges of crimes against a deceased person.

Oh, Randall, it’s worse than I thought.
Honestly, it’s about as bad as I thought.
You know, after doing this show for 20 years, you expect the worst from humanity.
And Mr. Byrd here did not disappoint.

Uh, the alleged– I’m sorry, the allegation suggests that Byrd engaged in sex acts with
the corpse of a 79-year-old woman.

There weren’t any younger dead people there.
Yes, apparently the dead woman was inside the hospital’s morgue freezer.
Aside from just the ick factor of banging an old person, dead or alive, how can you
do it to a frozen person?
Like, okay, I know they’re not exactly moist anymore when they’re dead, but still, couldn’t
the holes be like all frozen shut?
It’s gonna be hard to get in there, you know?
Plus, you know, when your dick actually touches the cold corpse, that might cause some problems, right?
I don’t like touching cold things.
Cold things make me shrivel up.
Ultimately, it just seems like more work than it’s worth.
I mean, this guy had to have been really, really horny.
Backed up.
I’ve got a real blue ball situation here.

The arrest comes after two witnesses reported encountering Byrd inside the morgue freezer
at around 5.30am back on October 24th.
The witnesses described him as sweating profusely, which shouldn’t happen if you’re in a very
cold morgue freezer.
He was also acting very nervous.
Upon closer inspection, they observed that Byrd’s uniform was disheveled, his zipper
was wide open, and his belt was found on a gurney.

I mean, that’s the most incriminating part right there.

Yeah, the belt was found on a gurney where a body bagged deceased person was placed.
The morgue doors were reportedly locked from the inside, adding to the suspicious circumstances.

According to investigators, the body bag containing the elderly woman had been completely
unzipped open, with the corpse lying face down.

Which is a smart move.
I can’t fault the guy for turning her over.
You don’t want a corpse staring at you as you defile it.
Face down, ass up.
That’s how I like my corpses.
I’m right there with you, buddy.

The victim’s hospital gown had been rolled up above her belly button area, exposing her
naked body from the waist down.
When the witness entered the morgue, Byrd allegedly attempted to cover up the deceased
woman by pulling down her gown.
Despite Byrd claiming to have suffered a medical episode inside the freezer.
He’s like, “Yeah, I had a seizure.
I was able to take off my belt so I could bite down on it.
I don’t swallow my tongue or whatever.”
That’s not a bad defense.
I’ve heard worse.

He also said he had no recollection of subsequent events in the morgue freezer.
Yeah, I blacked out.
Forensic evidence tells a different story, though.
Of course, investigators found Byrd’s DNA all over that deceased woman.
Made a mess of her.
Yes, she had passed away from natural causes.

Post-mortem, rib fracture was also identified on the victim’s body.
Byrd, 46, is now facing charges of crimes against a dead person and is scheduled for
a preliminary hearing next month. Currently, he’s on supervised release until his court appearance.
The hospital took swift action in response to reports from co-workers about the concerning
behavior in the morgue.
An internal investigation was initiated, a report was filed with law enforcement, and
Byrd was subsequently fired from his position.

The case underscores the need for vigilance in ensuring the dignity and respect of the
deceased in medical facilities.

Most people don’t want to fuck a corpse, but yeah, I get your point.