On Today’s Show:

We’re starting the week off with a best of program! This was originally a Sideshow exclusive podcast, so if you’re not yet a member — It’s NEW TO YOU!

Tomorrow’s show will be for Sideshow members and I’ll return for a new podcast for everyone on Wednesday.

Enjoy!

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AI Transcript

Yes, hey freaks, Tim back here with you to introduce a Best Of show.

Yeah, we’re gonna do things a little bit different this week.

We’re gonna start off with an old ass episode of Distorted View.

However, this Best Of program originally was a sideshow exclusive episode, so if you’re not a member, it’s gonna be like you’re hearing it for the first time.

It’s new to you, even though it’s six years old.

Still, it’s top-tier entertainment.

DV does not miss.

Even back in 2017, I was very good, although there is a higher likelihood that I slip up and say the N-word in these old shows, so if you hear it, just pretend you didn’t hear it.

You guys have to understand, it was a different time then.

We were allowed to say those words, and we reveled in it.

Anyway, the plan for the rest of the week is this.

Tomorrow, I’ll be doing a sideshow exclusive program.

Wednesday, I’ll be doing a show for everyone, and it goes on and on.

And then I’ll do a weekend show for my Sideshow Freaks as well.

Sound good?

If you don’t want to miss anything, you got to sign up.

superfreaksideshow.com.

For you sideshow freaks, I will see you back tomorrow.

Everyone else, brand new episode coming up on Wednesday.

Until then, enjoy this best of show.

Distorted View Daily proudly presents one side of a crazy person’s telephone conversation.

No, no, no, no, no.

You don’t understand interdimensionalization of sapianics.

You don’t understand zero dimensional technology.

All you understand, no, when you built a 74 WP system back in 79, you thought you were Jesus Christ, you were going to take over the world.

And all you did was cause a mountain to fucking go.

That’s all the fuck you did, Jack.

And then because I had a bad erase head on my reel to reel, a conversation I had with you didn’t quite erase when I sent something down to the US Copyright Office.

No, no, no, in 85, punk brain, no, no.

Well, anything he says and the truth can be measured in distances, in fucking light centuries.

All right?

Anything he says and measured in distance from the truth could be, could know, could be measured in light millennia.

Would you shut the shit up?

Yeah.

If you want to come over here, we can have a nice fist fight anytime you want.

But don’t say shit about my uncles and shit.

Hey, freaks, it’s Thursday, January 19th, 2017.

Coming up on the program today, Scientology and the Golden Age of Bullshit.

Plus, I’m afraid of the assholes I might encounter playing Overwatch.

When is castration not malicious?

And a tiny dick mob named after our next president.

All this was your voicemail today!

It’s the Distorted View Show with Tim Henson.

Don’t defame my family!

I love that guy so much.

Anytime someone says something to me where I can respond, no, that’s how I’ll respond.

No!

Meanwhile, what the fuck is he talking about on the phone?

I mean, he’s insane, right?

I think they’re fighting over interdimensional travel or something.

You just blew up a mountain, that’s all you could do, and you thought you were Jesus Christ, snow biggie!

I need to listen to that thing 10,000 more times because I would like to quote the entire conversation.

All right, listen, got a great program for you.

Today’s episode, of course, is sideshow exclusive.

If you’re listening, you’re paying members.

Thank you so much for that.

Also, I hope you had a chance to play the Raymond Quote game over there at distortedview.com.

If not, it’s still up and available.

I was thinking about that process of coming up with the questions for that game.

It was very difficult.

The idea behind the game, of course, is that, I just play a quote and you have to tell me if it’s something Raymond said.

But if it wasn’t something Raymond said, it was still a real quote by someone else.

And to find people who could spew such nonsense, just like Raymond 14, it was difficult.

Like I said, I came up with some Charlie Sheen quotes.

There was a Kanye West tweet in there.

And then I think there was a couple Scientology quotes.

Remember a while back, I played a little bit from a Scientology video called The Golden Age of Knowledge.

And what we heard was just testimonial after testimonial from brainwashed individuals, spouting complete nonsense.

Like, just gibberish words.

Or they were actual words, but strung together in a way that made no sense whatsoever.

And what I found when I was putting together this Raymond game is that every year they produce a new Golden Age of Knowledge Scientology video full of testimonials.

So I think this is the one we may have played before, just to refresh your memory.

The Golden Age of Knowledge is uniting all of us.

I really feel like it is making all of us this juggernaut, this group, this theta juggernaut.

Theta juggernaut.

Where we’re all on the same page.

We have never had this much wealth of information that we can totally duplicate and secure our own eternity.

She said nothing right there.

Duplicate and secure our own eternity.

And I’m forking all my money over to the church.

Our own eternity.

My tone and approach to life has just gone through the roof.

It has given me the keys to unlock the treasures of life.

So that was 2013, alright.

Then, 2014.

They use the same music, I guess.

I need to find this.

This has got to be like royalty-free music, right?

Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

I’ve been winning nonstop.

Even if I wanted to start losing, I couldn’t with this program.

I just wean and wean and win.

Winning apparently is a Scientology term, and it’s a good thing.

You want to win.

It was not the same gold minute I wasn’t winning.

It just gets better and better, even though I think it can’t get better.

Having the knowledge, you know, from the golden age of knowledge and bring it.

Having the knowledge of the golden age of knowledge.

The golden age of tech phase two.

And bringing it to the golden age of tech phase two.

It makes it a whole new level.

It’s almost supernatural, you know what I mean?

Because before it was like me and Scientology was separated.

And now I feel like I have it in me, you know?

It’s like going through my veins.

I can almost smell runs ink.

I mean, it’s so much him.

You’re just, you’re hooked.

And I’m hooked on the bridge.

I can tell you that.

I know I’ve talked about this before, but damn, I need to create my own religion.

That’s where the money’s at.

It doesn’t even have to make sense.

I could employ Thursday Lane to write in his journals and hand them over to me.

And I’ll use that as our holy Bible.

We all have to pray to white guys farting in our face.

But you know what I mean, with that music in the background, da, you could really say anything and it sounds like, yeah, positive and upbeat and energy.

I’m taking a ride on the light boat.

It’s just pure energy bouncing off my pedestal.

I keep knocking down the dark slivers and I’m hopping through the hula hoopa dreams, all thanks to El Ron Hubbard.

So what I’m playing now is from The Golden Age of Scientology 2014.

It’s all about the wins.

Academy became part of my life.

It became my best friend.

All right, and then finally, they skipped over 2015.

There was no golden knowledge testimonials.

But this year, 2016, oh yeah, we’re back with more same music.

This is the most amazing time to be a Scientologist in this golden age.

We have everything available from like the bottom of the bridge all the way up to the top.

That is, until I walked into a factology testing facility and spoke to a level firth Sigma arbitrator.

They assured me that even the most extreme Dolkograft case could see radical organic mainframe improvements with just one seven hour session.

After I left, I saw an immediate spike in my Sigma five levels, a drop in my Sigma twos, and a dinking of the Schneider bloat index to a baseline of Frank Snod.

Boy, was I relieved.

I’m sorry, not relieved.

I was scabbed.

Praise Puss Ram.

Ever since I started with factology, I’m plopping here and I’m nutting there.

I just can’t stop plopping and nutting.

I’m walking the staircase with DJ H.

Thanks for watching!

I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about.

I’m trying to work out my new religion, factology.

All right, let’s move on now.

Got a couple more pieces of audio, and then we’ll get into the news.

First up, you know, I’ve been thinking about starting to play Overwatch.

I actually purchased Overwatch.

I haven’t taken it out of the box yet.

I’m kind of afraid.

Like, people have been telling me, oh, this is a great game for casual players.

It’s kind of like Splatoon in the sense that you don’t have to be a hardcore gamer to enjoy it.

But it’s an online game where you, you know, you hunt people down, you shoot them, you get some crazy weapons, you look cool.

That all sounds very good.

But then I like, I watch videos of people playing Overwatch, and I’m very intimidated because people are very mean playing this game.

I like Splatoon because you can’t really communicate with other people.

Listen to this.

This is some, you know, kid playing Overwatch.

I wish you would be fucking shit out of you, you nigger!

All right, the guy you hear is not the streamer, but someone who’s getting angry with the streamer.

Sit out of you, you nigger!

Immediately they go to the N word.

I would break a fucking jaw in one punch!

Fight me, faggot!

Nice, dog.

Now, the streamer’s just laughing, which is, you know, enraging the other guy.

I would knock the smug smirk off your stupid cunt mouth.

Yeah, dude, as you say it with the lips.

I might be five foot seven, but I will fucking knock you on the fucking ground, you faggot.

Come at me, nigger.

I would beat the shit out of you over a fucking…

Honestly, it does kind of seem fun.

Here’s another clip of an Overwatch player.

You know that I…

You always say you’ll quit tomorrow, the next day.

Why haven’t you quit already?

Why haven’t you quit already, dude?

I have never said I’m going to quit.

I’m the number one Widowmaker in this game.

When I have a team that can play with me and support me…

No, you didn’t even look into me.

See, this is what I don’t want to do.

I don’t want to have to deal with talking to teammates and stuff, because I know I’m going to be the weak link.

Support me.

We’re on our options.

Get in the fucking car.

This guy’s saying he’s doing bad, not because he’s a bad player, but the rest of the team is bad.

Here’s another guy playing.

This is not Overwatch.

He’s playing by himself here, and he loses.

That’s a guy!

How embarrassing.

I laugh, but that’s kinda how I act when I lose.

FUCK!

Calling all Patriots.

The time is now to take a stance and let your voice be heard.

Join us on Unmuzzled Chat Podcast where we are seeking to improve lives and ensure a better tomorrow.

Be a guest on the podcast, Your Story Matters.

Join the community, support this movement.

It is only our futures at stake and our children’s.

Let’s take our muzzles off and unite.

We are excited to hear from you.

Find us on Rumble or any podcast app by searching for Unmuzzled Chat.

God bless you all.

See you soon.

Not quite that bad.

I think I need to start streaming games again.

I never really got into it.

I would do one here or there, but I never really dedicated a lot of time.

You’d see a different side of Timmy Poo.

Not pretty.

Oh, I do have one more video game related clip.

This is one of those things where I don’t understand why people do this, what this is for.

Maybe it’s for charity or something.

These guys will be playing video games and there’s a crowd watching them.

I mean, they’re not competing or anything.

I think they’re just trying to complete the game.

Anyway, they’re playing a game, I don’t know, Metroid or something, and the crowd starts doing this thing where they act like my favorite video game character, Waluigi.

I’m gonna win.

Me no win this time.

You know I love Waluigi, right?

No one else loves him.

It’s just me.

But anyway, they start making Waluigi noises, like wah, and that really pisses off one of the guys playing games.

Take a listen.

There he is.

I think like maybe every time the guy screws up in Super Metroid, they go wah!

Hey, none of you guys are funny.

If you want to prevent cancer, consider standing out in front of the shuttle that’s running in front of the hotel on the hour.

Thank you.

Got a smattering of applause there.

And as the announcer will say, no, please do not do that.

Everything is awkward about video game nerds.

The final clip I have for you is just, you know, a typical fight on a bus.

This happened in Toronto, Canada, though.

Usually people are nice in Toronto, right?

So it’s a woman screaming at an elderly person.

You’re a dust fart, you’re a dust fart, you’re a dust fart.

All right, so you got to listen very closely at first, but the younger woman is calling the older lady a dust fart.

You’re a dust fart, you’re a dust fart, you’re a dust fart.

I don’t know what started this argument.

Maybe it’s because the younger woman has to stand up on the bus, and the older lady is sitting down.

Get off, I bet you haven’t gotten off in fucking 80 years, you old fucking weather vagina.

Yeah, she’s coughing on the old woman, telling her that she hasn’t gotten off in years.

Or N-AIDS and herpes.

Now she’s talking to the bus driver, saying, Hey, you might want to call someone because the old lady seems nuts.

But you know who’s acting nuts is you.

You just said you have SARS and AIDS.

Get off.

Why don’t you get off?

You scared?

What, are you gonna call the cops?

What, are you gonna beat up a 90-year-old woman?

What a hard ass.

I really don’t fucking care.

I have never heard the term dust fart before, and I don’t think it’s real.

I don’t think it’s a common thing, because I searched for it in Google, and the only thing that’s really coming up is this news story.

The Canadian news covered this incident extensively.

By the way, according to the news story, no one complained to police or the transit company about this incident, but they are investigating anyway, trying to figure out who this woman was.

All right, and with that, let’s get into the Crazy Bizarre Twist and the Funtime News right now.

Thank you guys so much for being members of the Distorted View Sideshow.

If you’d like to upgrade your account to a lifetime one, just email me, showatdistortedview.com.

I’ll knock $50 off the normal price.

You’ll get it for $250, and never have to worry about recurring charges.

Again, and don’t forget, we’ve got that Patreon account.

If you’d like to pledge a few dollars that way, patreon.com/distortedview.

All right, three-week stories, then we’ll get the hell out of here.

First up, this first story is infuriating because it’s been covered extensively, like On The Verge and The Daily Dodd, and a bunch of other news sites.

And it’s so obviously fake.

Now, The Verge covers it as if it’s a real service or website or whatever, but mentions like, oh, it seems a little strange, and this is on Kickstarter.

You know, it doesn’t seem like this could possibly be real.

It’s because it’s not.

It’s an app called Adoptly, and it’s like Tinder for the adoption process.

Like if you’re trying to grab yourself a baby, you don’t want an ugly one, right?

So when you see a picture of an ugly baby on Adoptly, you swipe it left.

Like, I’m not interested.

That baby’s too ugly, too old, too black, whatever.

But if you like a baby that’s up for adoption, you can swipe right.

There’s a 0% chance that this thing is real.

Swiping left and right on adoptable babies, swiping left on the ugly ones.

Adoply argues that the adoption process is a slow outdated one, which it can bring to the speed of modern life by basically making it work more like Tinder.

I’ve got the pitch right here.

Take a listen to the bad acting.

This is so not real.

Instead of writing a story on something that could possibly be fake, why not do a little bit of research, investigate before you publish a whole fucking story about these things?

Starting a family is a really big decision.

And for those looking to adopt, it can be a really hard process.

Did you know on average it could take up to two years for parents to bring their kids home?

We thought in this day and age, there must be a better way, something that could bring families together.

They just look like sketch actors, you know what I mean?

At the speed of modern life.

That’s why we start.

They pluck these guys out of the groundlings or something.

Adoptly is an app-based platform that seamlessly connects prospective parents.

Oh, look, they even got an Indian guy who is like the lead engineer or whatever, the interface designer.

It connects prospective parents to adoptable children nearby.

Just set up a profile and you are ready to go.

All right, let me fast forward here.

Just swipe right if you’re interested.

And you can customize your search criteria to find exactly what you are looking for.

Filters for gender, age, ethnicity, and distance.

Adoply acts like an aggregator of agencies and networks, making the adoption process much simpler, faster, and more unified.

This is according to Adoply.

Just because you match doesn’t mean the kid is yours.

Parents will still have to go through the same review process protocols and requirements.

Adoply recently launched a Kickstarter campaign and says the app guides you through government mandated background checks, reminding users of the seriousness of the process.

But the Kickstarter later says the app will let you forget about all the bureaucratic stuff and focus on what really matters.

Welcoming Home, the perfect new addition to your family.

It currently raised $366 of its $150,000 goal.

That was as of the time that story was published.

Let me go to the Kickstarter right now and see what we’re up to.

We’re up to about $3,000 and only 15 backers.

So there’s people pledging some serious cash.

I’m guessing the people who have actually pledged the big bucks are the people behind this app.

And they’re just trying to get that number up so it looks a little more impressive.

They know they’re not gonna get the $150,000 needed to start this thing, right?

No one’s that dumb.

I mean, could you imagine the outcry?

You’re judging a tiny little baby on its looks.

You’re saying, hey, ugly babies don’t deserve to be adopted.

Although, you know, adoption is very expensive.

You should get to pick and choose which one you want.

If I’m paying tens of thousands of dollars, yeah, I’m gonna want a good looking baby.

All right, second story we have for you today.

This one comes from North Carolina.

Authorities in Onflow County say a woman is free on bond after she was charged with felony malicious castration.

Is there any other kind?

Who’s castrating a human being in a loving way?

She was charged with gentle castration.

No one should be castrating another human being except for maybe a doctor in like weird gangrene situations.

I don’t know.

Maybe you have diabetes and your balls are about to fall off or something.

Major Chris Thomas of the Onflow County Sheriff’s Office told local media outlets that deputies were called to a home on November 20th, 2016 for a domestic dispute.

When law enforcement arrived, they found the husband of 36-year-old Mitt C.

Hudson had been injured.

The man was given medical attention and taken to Onflow Memorial Hospital.

Thomas said Hudson used her hands to injure her husband.

Thomas said Hudson wasn’t hurt, adding that it’s not known what the two were fighting about prior to the assault.

Hudson was taken into custody on January 5th and posted a $50,000 bond on Tuesday.

It’s not known if she has an attorney.

So wait a second.

She didn’t castrate her husband.

She was just using her hands.

It’s just a fun thing.

Yeah, I mean, I guess you could castrate your husband just by using your hands.

With enough force, anything is possible.

Just ask a child rapist.

Their holes are so tight.

That’s all I’m saying.

No, but if he didn’t really have any injuries, no scrotal injuries, it’s really just his word against hers.

They’re in a fight, and he could be like, yeah, she was trying to rip my balls off.

Charge her with ball ripping.

And he’s just trying to get back at her because he’s angry.

I don’t know if I believe this malicious castration thing.

Remember earlier this year when I told you a story about a homeless man who had a lover and he like cut the dude’s dick off and wanted to eat it or something.

It was like a 32 year old guy.

I think it was homeless, but he had a boyfriend, murdered his like 68 year old lover.

That’s how you do it.

That’s a grisly castration.

Cutting the balls off and the dick.

That guy says, quote, I stabbed him with a knife and I hit him over the head with a hammer and cut off his penis and I put it in the sink, you know, to wash it off so he could cook it later.

Now, the reason why I bring this up is because I just found a picture of the guy who, you know, killed the dude and wanted to eat his penis.

And he looks like someone who would eat a penis.

He’s insane, right?

He’s in the back of the police car in what looks to be like a straight jacket.

I’ll make this today’s featured image.

You could really get a good look at the face of a dick and nut chopper offer.

This isn’t some like white trash trailer fight in North Carolina.

This is a fucking psychopath.

All right, final story we have for you today.

Oh, you know what?

We all get it.

Donald Trump is a dick.

He’s not even president though.

Give him a chance to really fuck up.

Don’t worry, he’ll fuck up, but give him a chance.

People are just piling on this dude.

Donald Trump has now received the honor of having a new species of moth officially named after him.

Here’s the thing with that moth.

The new species has a strange, blonde tuft of hair on its head and really tiny genitals.

This is why Trump and his administration is going to reject climate change.

He hates scientists because of stunts like this they pull.

Me thinks your federal funding is gonna get yanked.

All right, a biologist has named a newly discovered species of moth after our next president, the Neopulpa donald trumpi, is a wee little creature found in parts of California and Baja, Mexico.

What sets this moth apart from others, aside from its gnatty yellow hair on the top of its head is, of course, its unique genitalia.

The shape of its genitalia is a little weird.

It’s got certain folds and pouch-like structures in its cock and balls.

The moth also has a distinctive wing pattern and unique DNA code.

With conservationists already fearful of the impact, the new Trump administration will have on the environment.

Partisan, this is a partisan news story.

Fake news, sad.

There are hopes the identification and naming of the moth will be a force for good.

Dr.

Nazari said, the discovery of this distinct micro moth in the densely populated and otherwise zoologically well-studied Southern California underscores the importance of conservation of the fragile habitat.

Science is boring snooze.

You know what’s exciting?

Erecting big, beautiful gold buildings.

What does this guy say?

Dr.

Nazari, his name is Dr.

Vazrik Nazari.

He’s a researcher from Ottawa, Canada, and he’s the one, I guess, that found this thing.

By naming the species after the 45th president of the US.

I hope to bring some public attention to and interest in the importance of alpha taxonomy.

Well, that sounds boring.

This is the first species named after Donald Trump, although a Peruvian caterpillar received the nickname the Trump-a-pillar last year when it was found to be covered in eye-catching orange-yellow hairs matching the color of the new president’s hairs.

By the way, before people start screaming, it’s the liberals making fun of the president, nine separate organisms have been named after President Obama, including three fish, two parasitic worms, and a trapdoor spider.

Those aren’t very flattering creatures to be named after, right?

There you go, that my friends is your distorted news for Thursday.

Let’s do a couple of voicemails and get the hell out of here.

As always, we’re gonna start with a few Patreon line calls.

Hey, I was calling, I was listening to your podcast with the freak show, and you were talking about how most people don’t know that you’re a homosexual.

Tim, it’s because you say stuff.

When have I ever said that?

Just out of curiosity, have you ever actually been with a woman?

It doesn’t seem like you have.

There’s a couple of things that are pretty obvious.

I was thinking about the Madonna thing, how she was saying she would suck anybody’s dick devoted for Hillary Clinton, and you’re like, oh my god, no.

Dude, I’m not saying that I think she’s super hot, but it’s Madonna, bro.

Really?

Let’s take a poll.

Would anyone want their dick sucked by Madonna?

Every story I told for the next week would start off with something like…

Oh, I guess if it’s for the story, but there’s nothing hot about getting your dick sucked by Madonna.

Oh, Madonna was sucking my dick the other day, and…

Gap-toothed freak, granny.

You know, it would be something like that.

I mean, it’s not…

Well, yeah, of course, for the story, I would allow that to happen, absolutely.

But I mean, it wouldn’t do anything for me.

Tim, when did you start hating white people?

The other day on the show, you proudly proclaimed the justification of a nigger attacking a white person, but I’ve never heard you justify, or say, a white person should attack a nigger, or calling him Cracker.

Well, because Cracker’s not as bad as the N-word.

Cracker, you always should laugh and laugh, come on, Tim.

Don’t be racist to get your own kind.

Alright, I guess maybe I’ve become too soft to the Negroes.

They got me feeling bad for them.

And so now I feel like, oh, if a white person starts screaming the N-word, then the black guy’s justified in beating their ass.

Apparently, I’m wrong.

Let me adjust my thinking there.

I should never forget that I’m white, and I should stick up for my own race.

They come first.

It’s Dank Tim here.

So, just crazy development in my life.

So, my girlfriend who was still married broke up with me recently.

Who didn’t see that coming.

But she still wants to like fuck, and she kind of wants to date me.

She hates her husband, but she’s a heroin addict, so she’s only with him for the money for the drugs.

Well, there’s a lot to unpack here.

And to have like a place to stay, and I know that means she’ll use me, but she’s going to move in anyways.

What?

No, no, no, no, no.

No, Dank Tim.

No.

Do not let your heroin addict girlfriend move in with you.

First of all, she’s married.

Second of all, she’s a heroin addict.

It’s just crazy, because this is the fifth affair I have been a part of.

Stop having affairs.

Don’t get involved with married women.

And it’s just really interesting.

So hopefully I’ll be able to win her heart and her heroin and all that stuff.

So, you know, it’s interesting.

Danger, danger, Dank Tim.

Turning 24 soon, and I’m with a 30-year-old heroin addict with a kid who is married.

Damn, that pussy’s good, man.

Anyways, um…

What have we learned today, freaks?

Heroin pussy is good.

Ding!

Hey, boo, here’s how you get a six-pack.

That’s how you get a six-pack.

Do you have a six-pack now?

Pixn vid, please.

Pixn vid.

Hey, guy.

It’s Clark in North Carolina.

I just listened to one of your stories about blowing up chickens.

How does fucking blowing up a chicken with air make it weigh more?

It doesn’t make any sense at all.

Well, it makes it look bigger.

How much does air weigh?

Is that one of the dumber things I’ve ever asked on this show?

Oh, hey, Tim.

I just remembered Dave from Chicago calling in.

Today is December 7th, 2016, and I am listening to your show of April 29th, 2015.

I’m just a little behind.

But on that show, you were using the Speech Jammer app.

Holy fuck, that was hilarious.

I sure hope that there are more episodes.

I was just thinking about that Speech Jammer and I came up with a new idea, something new to do with it, and I can’t remember what it was.

Was I going to read an Adam and Eve ad or an Audible ad?

It’s like I’m begging these companies to drop me, you know, my sponsorship.

I can’t remember.

I’ll think about that.

But yeah, the Speech Jammer will be making another appearance.

You know, we do it once or twice a year.

Maybe now or then and now.

Alright, sounds good.

And finally, today, freaks.

This is Sideshow member Roadkill Apologist.

I also have a condition known as Hematocysio, which is…

Basically, every time I take a duty, I donate blood.

That’s right.

Looks like I poured some red Kool-Aid mix into the toilet and…

So you bleed out of your anus.

And I have a big wipe full of blood every time I take a dump.

Take a picture of that bowl after, you know, after you do your business.

I want to see that.

Sometimes it’s better, sometimes it’s just a little spotting.

Yeah, next time you have a real heavy flow day.

And I have my heavy flow days.

No, how colonoscopy, they didn’t really quite figure out what causes it.

So they don’t know why you’re bleeding from your ass.

Do you get lightheaded?

Like, how much blood are you losing?

Not really a hemorrhoid.

There’s no fissures.

I’m not a careless fairy.

Oh, God, could you imagine if you were gay taking it up the ass?

Something that happened.

Horror film.

All right, yeah, I want more information on that.

And pictures, thank you.

That’s all the time we have on this edition of the show.

Why don’t you guys do me a show at distortedview.com?

distortedview.com is our official website.

Voicemail on for you at 206-666-4463.

That’s 206-666-0-God is in the…

It is making all of us this juggernaut.

Distortion, STD, tell all your friends about the show.

Don’t forget to rate us and review us on iTunes.

Very important.

Again, thank you so much for being side show members.

I will see you back one more time as we end the week with the Friday show.

Until then, have a great day.

Well, if you’ve ever experimented with anal sex, the first time you have anal, I have learned now, they sell enemas.

There’s this thing called enemas, and they sell them at any pharmacy.

Go get one and use it twice.

Yep, you have to be cleaned out.

Learn more at scrod.net.