On Today’s Show:
| 00:00:00 | Introduction |
| 02:19:08 | Lord Douche And The Neverending Rental Car Saga |
| 04:35:08 | Communicating With Galactic Unicorns |
| 16:40:05 | Racist Freak Out Over Hot Sauce |
| 20:14:22 | Having A Complete Mental Breakdown Because She Took A Photo |
| 31:00:06 | Sign Up For The Sideshow! |
| 32:32:00 | Taylor Swift Is About To Activate Her Global Coven Of Teenage Witch Fans! |
| 38:07:04 | Pepperoni Jesus Is Creeping Everyone Out |
| 40:52:07 | Paper Beats Rock and Girth Beats Length |
| 44:38:16 | Voicemails: 206-666-4463 / Ending |
Images/Links
Personalized Boxers for Husband, Etsy
Our New PO Box Address!
Distorted View
PO Box 36268
Cincinnati, OH 45236
- Call In To The Voicemail Line: 206-666-4463
- Support Distorted View – Check out our Patreon page
- Get Exclusive Episodes Every Week – Become A Member Of The Distorted View Sideshow!
Podcast: Download
AI Transcript:
ey, freaks, it’s Wednesday, February 28th, 2024.
Coming up on the program today, communicating with the Galactic Unicorns of Planet Vorlon 7.
Plus, Pizza Jesus is both horrifying and scrumptious looking.
And thanks to pollution, we now all have mutant penises.
All this was your voicemails today.
Distorted View Daily proudly presents Mr.
Rogers, calling an elderly woman.
Hello.
Hello.
Yes, hi.
This is Fred Rogers.
Fred Rogers?
What can I do for you?
I remember one time some of our neighbors who were studying ballet dancing got dressed up to look like raccoons.
Oh, you don’t say.
Well, did you know something, sir?
I don’t know you, and I wish you wouldn’t call my phone anymore.
I’m just an old lady and I don’t want to hear all that nonsense.
I don’t care about dressing up like raccoons.
That’s stupid, so please don’t call here again, understand?
I was just making some popcorn.
No, I don’t know who you are.
This is Fred Rogers.
No, you’re not Fred Rogers.
I don’t know what the hell you think you’re doing calling here.
One of them was a mother, a raccoon, and the other a father, a raccoon, and there was a boy raccoon and a girl raccoon, and they made up a dance.
It’s The Distorted View Show with Tim Henson.
She is a fat cunt.
Christian now fears his flatulence.
I know what abortion smells like.
Did you know abortion even had a smell?
Oh my goodness.
Yes, Tim Henson back here with you for your Wednesday episode of DV.
Have a great one for you.
Real quick, let me give you a Lord Douche update.
I have to mention this because someone called in recently and asked how the car situation was.
You may remember a year or two ago at this point, a car that was parked next door fell over on to Lord Douche’s vehicles.
Plural.
The driver apparently didn’t realize that the driveway goes up high.
And I don’t know.
I have a picture of it.
The car fucking fell over on to both of Lord Douche’s cars because of course, right?
Lord Douche has not fixed his car yet, but it finally happened.
He brought his vehicle into the shop.
It’s going to take a week or two to fix, which means Lord Douche is going to need a rental car.
Now, you can imagine how that’s going.
We’ve been to the Enterprise rental place three times so far in the last day.
First time, there were no cars that were satisfactory to Lord Douche.
He didn’t like anything that was available today.
He went back and he got a, I don’t know, Hyundai Genesis something or other, brought that home.
It was an hour later when he decided the car smelled like pot and he could, you know, he has a very sensitive nose.
So that car is going back.
Now we’re there for a third time.
Once again, they don’t have any cars to Lord Douche’s liking.
So we might just go to a completely different rental car establishment.
It’s the butterbell situation all over again.
We’re going to go through seven, eight cars, I’m sure before he’s satisfied.
This is not like his permanent car.
This is just something he gets to drive while his car is being fixed for a week.
And might I remind you, he now works from home.
So where the fuck is he driving?
I don’t know.
All I know is I’m sick of going to rental car places.
So that’s the latest on the home front here.
Things are going well.
Well, thankfully, I’ve got a great show for you that will hopefully take my mind off of all of this unpleasantness.
We begin today with a new segment.
YouTuber Daniel Scraton claims to be a verbal channel.
A communicator able to reach far away realms.
He does this through the use of his mouth modem.
That’s the best way I can describe it.
Yeah, that’s Daniel trying to connect to some being.
Welcome, you’ve got mail.
I think your frequency is off, Daniel.
You didn’t connect to another dimension, you connected to AOL.
Maybe he’s a little rusty.
Also, he breaks up this humming noise with something even creepier.
Yeah.
This cycles through a few times.
Yeah.
Not on my face.
I need it.
I’m sorry, he’s giving off those vibes.
I know I’ve heard this sound before.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, we’re getting some deeper yes now.
Come on.
Do it, boy.
Service this fat cock.
Drain these balls.
I may have misunderstood who he’s trying to channel here.
Maybe it’s supposed to be Uniporn.
Now it says Unicorn here.
As a matter of fact, now, when you hear him speak, it is actually the Unicorns speaking through him.
They want you to believe that we are not real and that we only exist in fairy tales.
Today, I learned that all unicorns apparently suffer from COPD.
They seem to have a real problem getting enough air to speak.
Would you please pass me?
Me.
I have been given a mesothelioma diagnosis.
The impression that we Oh my god, it’s excruciating.
only appeal to the very fringe of your society.
The mentally unwell is who I think this unicorn is referring to.
But we are as real as you.
Well, there you have it, straight from the horse’s mouth, as channeled through the mouth of one of those mentally ill people I was just referring to.
You know, sometimes this Daniel Scranton guy, he doesn’t even know who he’s going to connect with.
He just starts, you know, humming and doing his sex moans, and lo and behold, someone enters him.
Yeah, daddy.
Hi, everyone.
This is Daniel Scranton, and I’m in a channel for you today, and I’ll find out who that’s going to be right now.
See how fun.
It’s like interdimensional chat roulette.
I wonder if he connects with a lot of aliens who are just like masturbating or wanting to talk dirty with Daniel.
I’m manipulating my lower tendril in a thick oily discharge has begun to seep from my gaping insemination inlet.
Now, you tell me how you want to suck out my egg sack and just my spawn.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You’ve got cum.
Yeah, I do.
Alien cum.
Goodbye, perv.
Did the alien just disconnect?
I was totally just pumped and dumped.
All you men are alike, no matter what dimension you’re living in.
All right, let’s listen to a little more of this guy and then we’ll move on.
Are you guys with me in thinking that the most interesting part of the channeling is the connection process?
Like, I don’t really care what the aliens or unicorns have to say.
Let’s give me more of this.
Where have I heard this sound before?
It’s called the honk.
That was Tanya.
She’s from the Children’s Self-Help Project up in San Francisco.
Now, the honk is not a sound you make when you’re playing, and it’s not a game.
The honk is how you speak to unicorns.
Tell me something I don’t know, fawns.
You use it when you’re in danger.
It makes a different kind of sound than the kind of sound that kids usually make.
Grown-ups don’t even pay any attention to that cause we know.
That’s how kids sound when they’re playing.
The self-defense yell though.
I don’t think you want kids to sound like that.
This is a different child safety issue.
But yeah, Daniel’s communication technique sounds a lot like the honk, which of course was the noise kids were supposed to make if they were in trouble.
The honk never really caught on though.
I don’t know how it could have missed.
I mean, it had the backing of Henry Winkler.
What four-year-old child doesn’t love the fawns, right?
It goes Paw Patrol, Elmo, then Henry Winkler, then Dora the Explorer.
All right, so it takes about two minutes for Daniel here to stop with the moaning or honking or whatever.
He does eventually contact some sort of being.
Yes, yes, yes.
We are the Andromedan Council of Light.
Oh, the Andromedan Council of Light.
Let’s see if they’re half as interesting as unicorns.
And we are very excited to be connecting with you.
Oh, the honor is all on this side.
Your Majesty, I guess.
We have noticed that humans tend to respond to big energy packets.
Oh, I think I know what you’re saying.
Yeah, we like those big energy packets.
Sometimes the human female entities say it doesn’t matter what the size is of the energy packet, but we all know the truth.
You got cock.
Okay, that’s enough from you, AOL man.
Goodbye.
Thank you.
Speaking of goodbyes, we’ve heard how Daniel begins his communication with aliens.
How does the transmission end?
I found another video here where he was speaking to the Arcturian Council.
It’s another council.
There’s a lot of councils out there.
It seems like in the infinite expanse of the universe, there’s a whole lot of fucking bureaucracy.
I don’t know if I like what I’m hearing here.
Anyway, here is Daniel closing out a chat with the Arcturian Council.
Literally like powering town.
Okay, I can’t do this any longer.
The honking goes on for an excruciatingly long time, so I’m going to fast forward.
Hi, everybody.
Thanks for watching.
Oh, thank God Daniel’s back safely.
And that, my friends, is how you channel extraterrestrial beings.
Just like that.
We may never know for certain.
Which makes this a mystery of the mysterious.
Until next time.
I’m Adam St.
Laurent.
Wishing you safe travels out there.
By the way, thank you so much to You Know I’m Right over there in the DvDiscord for providing a link to Daniel Scratten.
Even he thinks it sounds like a modem connecting.
He says, the dude who channeled Unicorns a few years ago is still going strong.
Here he is channeling the 9D Arcturian Council.
Great modem like sounds as he connects.
Yeah, well, of course.
Gotta have some sort of interdimensional handshake.
Know we’re all on the same frequency.
Again, thank you so much.
You know I’m right.
Okay, let’s move on.
It’s been a few days since the last restaurant freak out.
I’ve got a new one here for you.
I don’t know what started this, but I think it has something to do with hot sauce.
It seems like this should be a pretty simple transaction.
Give the woman some hot sauce and get her fat ass out of the restaurant.
Someone who is inaudible for the most part in this video asks this woman to quiet down because they have kids in the restaurant.
She doesn’t care.
You know, she feels justified in her freakout because she didn’t get the hot sauce that she requested in a timely fashion.
I mean, I appreciate this woman’s sentiment.
I’m right there with you.
Who gives a fuck about kids?
Now, the woman who is filming this, who really has nothing to do with this encounter, she’s just documenting it.
She has to pipe up, and her husband just tries to defuse the situation.
Just, just, just leave her alone.
No, I’m about to smoke a beer.
Just, okay, just, just, just leave her alone.
The husband’s just like, let it go.
It’s not a big deal.
And apparently it isn’t a big deal, even though she’s all like, my baby’s in here.
Don’t be swearing.
Meanwhile, not three seconds later, she calls the woman a bitch.
No, I’m about to smoke a beer.
Swearing and threatening violence.
I think the husband’s right.
Shut the fuck up.
Sit back and enjoy the show.
Was wondering how long before it got racial.
Answer was under a minute.
Yeah, the audio’s kind of muffled.
It sounds like she’s saying, she’s the most racist motherfucker you’ll ever meet.
But then I think she talked about how she has Japanese in her.
I guess that allows her to say racist stuff.
I don’t know.
That’s a badge of honor in her book.
I mean, to be honest, how long does it take to get hot sauce?
It’s an excruciatingly long amount of time.
I don’t know what she’s talking about, Japanese and Nigerian.
She’s like the whitest person I’ve ever seen in my life.
But okay.
It’s at this point that the cops arrive.
Now notice how the woman’s demeanor changes.
Officer, you can understand.
I was just requesting some hot sauce.
That’s all I wanted.
That’s all I asked for.
She really is the victim in this whole scenario.
Well, they escort her out, and that’s pretty much the end of the altercation.
By the way, it does appear to be a Chinese restaurant, which baffles me even further.
Also, baffling me in a completely different way is this next clip.
I can’t even wrap my mind around it.
Now, that Chinese restaurant thing, that was a real incident, right?
A crazy woman demanding hot sauce, getting racist about it.
This next clip goes on for about eight minutes, but as far as I can tell, nothing happens.
Yet the girl in this video is convinced that she has been traumatized and wronged, and her whole world is crashing down.
What happened, honey?
Tell us what’s going on.
So after the show was over, I ran to this group of girls that asked me to take a photo of them.
And naturally, I just said yes.
So I took a photo of them.
I had to retake it a few times because I wanted to make sure that it was perfect and they loved them.
Keep that in mind.
I made sure it was flawless.
Like I was a professional photographer.
So far so good.
She was at a concert.
I think she saw like one of those One Direction guys that have split off and they’re doing a solo act now.
And next thing you know, they were showering me with compliments.
They were selling me how much of an angel I am, how sweet of a girl I am.
Okay, they’re thanking you for taking their picture.
They handed you their phone and said, could you take our picture?
They’re all excited.
A group of friends going to this concert together.
Oh my God, take our picture.
Alright, so she did.
Alright.
It fucking took two seconds to do.
How beautiful I am.
Just anything you can think of.
And of course I got emotional because if someone tells me that, I will get very emotional.
That’s the first clue that she’s not exactly mentally stable.
They’re just being polite, honey.
You don’t have to break down in tears.
You think I’m beautiful?
And she took one of her bracelets off her wrist and saw the amount of I have and she gave it to me.
And I just hugged her because she was just like the sweetest thing ever.
And I asked for Instagram because I didn’t want to lose touch.
Is this how girls make friends?
I know if I was walking down the street and there was like a couple on a date wanting to get a photo together and they handed me their phone, I would not then bug them for their socials at the end.
It’s like the transaction is over with.
I took your picture.
You said thank you.
I don’t need to ever see you again.
And I’m sure they feel the same way about me.
But okay, you know, they have a lot in common.
They both went to the same concert.
Maybe they’re going to keep in touch.
The next day is when things go a little haywire.
I was messaging her at the airport, and I was like, Hey, how you doing?
Thank you for the bracelet.
Such an awesome show, right?
Just like the casual stuff you would say to other Louis fans.
And I took a look at the photo that she posted, and I was like, I took that.
And then I felt really special.
So naturally, I asked, can she tag me so I can get photo credits?
Because I took that photo and worked really hard on it.
The fact she went looking for her photo on Instagram, and she felt really special about it.
And she now wants photo credit because she worked super hard.
Worked super hard?
It’s a fucking iPhone.
It does all the work for you.
All you have to do is make sure everyone is in the frame.
Make sure you’re not cutting anyone’s head off.
Smart phones take care of all the rest for you.
You’re not a photographer, you stupid bitch.
So then she said, Oh yeah, you can just message one of my friends.
Here’s her link to her Instagram.
And passing the book.
On the photo that she posted, which was the same one.
I’m sure she will tag you.
And I’m like, great.
So I messaged her friend.
I’m guessing no one is going to tag her.
This girl is going to continue to spiral into a deep depression until her life is consumed with darkness and drugs.
The fuck is going on?
And she had a private account, so it took me a while for her to reply.
And when she finally did, she left me undelivered.
She just read the message and did not reply.
Ignored you, as any sane person would do.
And if you don’t know me very well, you would not know that I can’t stand being undelivered.
I could take a guess you were someone who would not stand for that.
You would go into like a full blown tizzy.
It really frustrates me so much.
Like you’re texting me and I’m messaging you back.
Just liking my message.
I’m okay with that.
Are you okay with thumbs up on your Facebook posts?
Or do you think that’s too impersonal?
You could at least give me a heart.
Oh, I’ve known those people.
Longtime freaks know that.
Yeah, I’ve got fucking psychopaths in my life too.
I don’t know, a thumbs up is just a little dismissive.
It’s almost like you don’t really care.
You’re just going through the motions.
You know, you can react in all sorts of ways.
Hearts, hugs, smiling emojis, crying emojis.
Thumbs up is just like, yeah, okay, whatever, dude.
Okay, this woman’s ramping up here.
So I went back to the original girl, the one that was an angel.
And I said, your friend’s a real cunt!
And the bracelet and everything.
I went back to her and I explained, hey, your friend left me on Delivered.
And then she’s like, oh, yeah, well, we decided we really want to tag each other.
And we don’t really know you.
And you’re just some rando who we asked to take our photo.
You’re kind of nobody to us.
And now I’m wishing that I had not given you my contact information.
Like that’s what I’m feeling.
The subcontext is here.
Meanwhile, this girl is like, but you gave me a bracelet where I come from.
That means something.
We were on track to become BFFs.
And now you’re just so cold and distant ever since I asked you to tag me in your photo.
What’s wrong?
I just want things to go back to the way they were back when we were in love.
The girl’s like, what?
What the hell are you talking about?
But I took the photo.
Shouldn’t I at least get credit for that?
And then I started opening up about my insecurities and saying that I’m not going to get into it, but I said…
Oh, please get into it.
If you would tag me, that would make me feel a lot better about myself.
Yeah, let’s try the guilt trip approach.
I love that all of her self-worth is wrapped up in this one photo that she took.
If you don’t tag me, there’s no telling what I’m going to do to myself.
And then I started opening up even more about my insecurities.
Hey, those girls received a photo taken by you, and also they’re receiving a giant trauma dump now.
A little extra bonus for them.
Like, really deep.
And she just left me on Delivered.
It is kind of a lot to take in.
So that crushed me to absolute pieces.
And of course, well, this very next day, my first day at work.
How do you expect her to work when she’s got this weighing on her?
That’s what I was just thinking about the entire time.
I had to run to the bathroom crying about it.
And I tried messaging her again.
Wow, she cannot handle any minor inconvenience.
It breaks her.
I don’t know how old this girl is.
She could be in her teens or early 20s.
That being said, I’m bad at this stuff.
She could be fucking 12.
I just know that she is not yet ready to deal with real problems.
She has crumbled to pieces over a photograph.
She has turned this into like three days worth of drama.
It was an interaction that probably took 30 seconds.
Her taking that photo.
So I didn’t really know what to do because this was bothering me like crazy.
So I used the Internet white pages, searched her name, found her address, drove to her house and set it on fire.
It was all I could think about.
And my God, I decided to just give them some time.
Give them some space.
Yeah, maybe they’ll come to their senses.
And then message them a few months later.
So this is going to be eating at her for months.
And I’m like, hey…
Remember me?
I’m the psychopath that took your photo.
About tagging me, do you think you can…
Honey, you just took pictures of strangers.
We don’t owe you anything.
Thank you.
That’s the correct response.
And even after I told her a lot about what I’ve been through…
That she did not ask for.
She did not want to know this.
She has no heart.
And I’m like, I thought we were friends.
There’s something wrong with her, right?
Like, I shouldn’t be making fun of this girl.
And then I’m like, excuse me.
I appreciate it if you wouldn’t ignore me.
I will not be ignored.
But it just broke me.
And I grew super attached to them because I got attached to them.
Absolute heartbeat to people.
And I just didn’t know what to do.
No one took my side and anything.
So I didn’t know what to do anymore.
Let it go.
Move on.
Wasn’t something I could just let go.
Yes, it is.
That’s exactly what it is.
It was like barely an interaction, an incident.
It’s nothing.
So in the end, obviously, I didn’t get what I deserved.
And I unfollowed all of them.
And I just stopped trying all together because I knew trying would just make me hurt even more, even though it felt even weirder, because I just was hurting so much, I didn’t know if it was possible to hurt even more.
And I’m still hurt about it to this day.
So all I can say is that if you run into me at a Louis concert or any concert at all, and you want me to take a photo with you and your little friends, I’m not taking unless you give me photo credit, period.
Stand strong, honey.
This is someone who just is not going to be able to cope in the real world.
Like when there are real problems at work or financial issues or whatever life throws at you, she is not going to be capable of handling.
We need to just find some sort of assisted living facility for her, put her in.
Maybe a group home?
She’ll never make it on the outside here.
All right, well, there you go.
Just another wonderful example of how social media is destroying the youth.
The type of nonsense they’re all obsessing over.
And with that, let’s get into the crazy bizarre twist.
Not a member of the Distorted View side show?
What are you waiting for?
Sign up, become a true and honorable freak today.
The side show, of course, is our member site slash subscription service, where you get even more Distorted View.
Yes, this is a daily podcast.
Here on the free side, I do two episodes every week, and then I do three additional side show exclusive podcasts.
Yesterday was a side show exclusive podcast, and I’ll be doing another one tomorrow.
The side show has been around since, what, 2006 or 2007?
We’ve done thousands of past episodes.
You can check them out in the archives.
Go to superfreaksideshow.com.
Memberships are very inexpensive, only $6.99 a month, even less when you opt for a quarterly, semi-annual, yearly or lifetime membership.
Now, if you get your podcast through Spotify or Apple Podcast, you can sign up right inside those apps.
If you go that route, you’ll see all of the side show exclusive episodes right alongside the free episodes in your feed over there on your app of choice.
Again, superfreaksideshow.com.
If you want to sign up through the website, other ways to support the show, we have a Patreon account, patreon.com/distortedview, just another way to support DB.
If you pledge at least $5, you get access to a special voicemail line where I will play your calls first.
And yes, we’ve got some patrons calling in today.
We’ll get to those calls in a little bit.
But first, the news.
First story I have for you today.
Fuck you.
You know what a drunk David Hasselhoff eating a hamburger off the floor means?
It’s time for Distorted Views.
Daxus Entertainment Hollywood News inside our report Extra Edition tonight!
Shane Lynch.
Who the fuck is Shane Lynch?
A former member of the band Boyzone?
I don’t even think this guy qualifies as a celebrity anymore.
Cut the music.
He does not deserve the Hollywood news treatment.
Furthermore, I don’t even think Boyzone was really a thing here in the United States.
I think Boyzone was really more popular over there in the UK.
I’m looking right now on Spotify to see like what their big hit was.
Apparently it’s a song called No Matter What.
Are.
No, no, no, it sounds awful.
Not familiar with it in the least.
But apparently Shane Lynch was a member of this boy band named Boyzone.
He is now a born again Christian, so he sounds like a real fun guy.
He’s made headlines with his recent claims about Taylor Swift.
Oh, that’s why this is a Access Entertainment Hollywood News Insider Report Extra Edition Tonight piece.
It’s all about Tay-Tay.
Resume the music.
I find it funny that Shane Lynch is a born again Christian, but Jane Lynch is a big Hollywood dyke.
Just a little observation I made.
That’s why you tune in to Distorted View Daily for thought-provoking moments like that.
Shane Lynch and Jane Lynch, their names rhyme.
You guys should really sign up for the sideshow.
Help a special needs podcaster.
Fork over a few bucks.
Do your part.
Alright, listen, he made headlines with the recent claims about Taylor Swift’s music and performances in an interview with the Sunday World.
The 47-year-old Irish singer accused Swift and other artists of incorporating satanic rituals into their stage shows.
Cool.
You know, I’m pretty indifferent when it comes to Taylor Swift.
I think she’s an amazing businesswoman.
I don’t really listen to her music, but you can’t argue that she’s a cool chick doing like witchcraft on stage.
My kind of broad, right?
Lynch specifically targeted Swift, one of the world’s most prominent artists, alleging that her concerts feature multiple demonic rituals.
That’s a lot to pack into a concert, you know?
In addition to all the other stuff going on, music, dancing, they managed to fit in a few satanic rituals in there too, including the use of pentagrams and other symbolic elements.
He expressed concern that many people view these displays as mere artistic expression without recognizing their darker implications.
The singer also criticized certain genres of music, particularly hip hop.
Who would have thought the stuck up born again Christian would have a problem with a powerful female singer and the blacks?
He said there’s often a hidden satanic imagery in what he perceives as a connection between the music’s beats and evil influences.
Lynch believes that music has a profound impact on people’s emotions and spirits.
When’s the last time this guy has done anything noteworthy?
Like, why are we interviewing him?
Why do we need his input and thoughts on music?
It’s like you were part of a boy band 20 years ago.
No one gives a shit about you.
This is not the first time Lynch has voiced such opinions.
He previously made similar remarks on a premier Christian radio podcast.
Can’t believe I missed that one, where he labeled Beyoncé and Sam Smith as demonic.
Alright, I’ll give you Sam Smith, but Colin Beyoncé satanic, that’s just out of line.
His recent comments echo those sentiments.
Taylor Swift’s representatives have been contacted for a response to these allegations.
Yeah, I wouldn’t hold my breath on getting one.
Swift, 34, has previously faced baseless accusations of Satanism and witchcraft.
During her eras tour in Australia, she sparked controversy by making a hand gesture interpreted by some as a satanic symbol.
Maybe it wasn’t a satanic symbol.
Maybe she was just throwing up some gang signs.
Maybe she too has been influenced by those evil hip hop artists.
She’s under the spell of black people.
We have to save her.
Additionally, minister and recording artist Talia Scroggins, don’t know who that is either, criticized Swift for using satanic imagery in her Willow music video, where Swift and her dancers are seen wearing cloaks and dancing around a fire in a snowy forest.
Considering how every teenage girl is kind of obsessed with Taylor Swift, you’d think we’d have more Satanists in this country.
Maybe it’s all like it’s being done subliminally right now, and then when Taylor releases her next album, there’s going to be some high pitch tones or something that’s going to activate all of these teenage girls to become witches, start doing black magic and stuff.
Can’t wait for her next release.
Alright, second story we have for you today.
Oh, this is also religious in theme.
A life-size cardboard cutout of a bloodied Jesus Christ has sparked controversy at Our Lady of Grace Church in Howard Beach, Queens.
So far, I see nothing wrong.
The bloodier Christ is, the better.
Pull no punches, man.
Let’s get gory.
I want to see entrails.
You gotta paint a picture here.
Jesus died for our sins.
Death, you know, not in a pleasant way.
He didn’t go quietly.
Let’s not sugarcoat this.
The graphic depiction, which was placed beside the altar for the Lenten season, has been criticized for its grotesque appearance.
And while it is grotesque, it’s not exactly lifelike.
Many compared it to a bad Halloween decoration or even a slice of pizza.
Jesus Christ-a-rony.
Have yourself a slice of salvation.
You know, a Jesus-themed pizza parlor is not the worst idea I’ve ever heard of.
Might have to give that some more thought.
Any investors want to pony up some cash?
The image, which, by the way, look at the chapter artwork if you want to see what this bloody grotesque Jesus looks like.
To me, when I first saw it, I was like, oh, that’s Freddy Krueger.
You know, Freddy Krueger had that like torn skin, it was bloody, and honestly, he kind of looks like pizza too.
And now I’m in the mood for pizza.
The image intended to represent the crucifixion features Jesus with gaping bloody wounds covering his body.
This has alarmed some parishioners, particularly parents who are concerned about the children.
Think about the kids.
One woman expressed her dismay on Facebook, suggesting that families might want to visit another parish during the season.
The cutout has also caused confusion in the predominantly Italian community, with some mistaking the depiction of wounds for cheese and tomato sauce, likening it to a slice of meat lover’s pizza or pepperoni.
While some have criticized the artistic quality of the piece, suggesting that a more skilled artist could have avoided such controversy, the church’s choice has certainly sparked a lively debate with nearly 200 comments on the Facebook post discussing the issue.
The New York Post collected some of those comments from people like, our children do not need to see the nightmarish Jesus when they go to church.
Another person said, I went for ashes on Wednesday.
I thought he looked like a slice of meat lover’s pizza.
Again, if you want to see the image, I’ll post it on our show notes today as well.
So you can see Jesus and all of his bloody cheesy glory there.
And finally today, freaks, it’s time for that quarterly article about dick sizes.
So much research is being done surrounding men’s throbbing members.
It’s an intense area of focus for scientists, I guess.
Mostly male scientists, I’m guessing.
Recent research has reignited the long-standing debate over the significance of size in sexual satisfaction.
Contrary to popular belief, a study conducted by the University of Kent over there in the UK suggests that female sexual preferences are not primarily focused on the size of man’s genitalia.
The study, which analyzed 265 sex toys, I don’t know how that’s going to determine anything.
Well, I found that circumference is more important than length.
Well, I’m kind of fucked there too.
So this is just, this is not going to be a great new story for me.
Alright, yeah, girth is a bigger issue when it comes to women’s preferences, challenging the notion that bigger is better.
The good thing, I think, for me and a lot of men is that those penis pumps, I think those fatten up the dick more than they give you length, right?
It’s like inflating a tire.
And I have to look into that.
Hey, go to adamandeve.com.
They have all sorts of dick pumps.
Get 50% off, plus a bunch of free gifts and free shipping.
Just remember to use promo code FREEK.
Ah, a spontaneous ad.
Love when that happens.
Again, adamandeve.com promo code FREEK, F-R-E-A-K.
Back to the news.
In a separate but related finding, research published in the World Journal of Men’s Health last year revealed that the average penis length has increased by 24% over the past 30 years.
If I’m reading that correctly, it means my penis is due for a growth spurt because I’m over 30 years old.
I was alive 30 years ago, and if a penis is supposed to increase over the past 30 years, I feel like I’m getting shortchanged here.
Is that not what that means?
Am I reading this incorrectly?
Am I a complete moron?
Yes?
Okay.
Yes, 30 years ago, the average penis was 4.8 inches, and now it’s 6 inches in length.
Wow, that is quite an increase.
However, this increase is viewed with concern by experts, including researchers at Stanford University, who suggest that unhealthy lifestyle choices or environmental factors such as pollution might be contributing to this change.
Finally, poor eating habits, pollution and climate change have done something good for us.
It’s a lot of negative, but this one thing is pretty helpful, making our dicks bigger.
It’s nice that pollution has a little bit of an upside.
Dr.
Michael Eisenberg, the author of the study, expressed concern over the rapid change, indicating that it could signal significant impacts on human biology.
The study analyzed data from 75 studies involving over 55,000 men from 1992 to 2021.
While further research is needed to confirm the findings and determine the cause, the implications of such a rapid change in penile length are considered alarming by experts.
Past studies have also suggested that pollution might be causing a decrease in penis size, highlighting the potential impact of environmental factors on human reproductive health.
Well, that just shows you that science don’t know what the hell is going on.
One study shows that pollution is making penises smaller, a new study shows making it larger.
You know, this is why I don’t trust the elites, college graduates, and scientists.
I put all of my trust and faith in that deep dish deity, Cheesy H.
Christorone.
That, my friends, is your Distorted News for Wednesday.
Let’s do a couple voicemails, and get the hell out of here.
Love to hear from you freaks, and there are many ways to contact the show.
Show at distortedview.com.
I’m all over social media, at Distorted View on Twitter and Instagram, facebook.com/distortedviewshow.
Let’s check in with some patrons who have been calling in.
Hey, Tim Zoo, little baby spaget.
Come on in on, way in on so-to-speak Mead.
Yes, our good buddy Mead Skelton.
I got super fat.
Like, fatty makes fat, fat, fat, fuck fat.
I’m right there with you, buddy.
And I decided to go on a diet.
Oh, this is where we’re deviating.
And what I call it is, you don’t eat so much, you fat fuck diet.
And what I do is, is I look at something and before I shovel it into my face, I look at myself and I say, hey, fat fuck, you really need to eat that?
And if the answer is not a definitive yes, then I put it down and walk away and enjoy not being as fat as I was.
And if the answer is I do need to eat that, then I put it in my face, but I don’t eat the whole thing, whatever it is.
See, what I’m getting here, and I think that this might be great to share with Meade, but you seem to have what we in the biz call willpower.
You can look at a piece of junk food and resist it.
Meade does not have that ability for whatever reason.
Or I get really small portions, like microwavable meals.
That’s like my dinner kind of thing.
And I’ve lost about 20 pounds in the last month and a half or so.
And the weight is coming off pretty quick.
It’s three to five pounds a week right now.
And that’s going to force yo-yo and change and everything.
And I’m pretty sure that that’s just the way one should diet.
You don’t eat as many calories as your body needs.
I mean, this is shit we all know, but me doesn’t.
So, you know, I don’t think he listens to the podcast, but maybe you can leave a comment or something on his YouTube channel.
He just posted a video.
This is a day after he recorded a short video where he looked very sad.
And he said, I just realized that I overeat.
You know, he’s just coming to this conclusion now.
Because I’m going to change.
Yeah, we played it on yesterday’s Sideshow Exclusive Podcast.
But then today he posted a picture of this like disgustingly large burrito slathered with all sorts of cream based sauces and stuff on it.
But this is what I’m eating today.
Hi Tim, it’s me, Mead Skelton.
Speaking of which, Mead’s calling in.
You know, my quest to find a perfect mate, you know, my sweetie, if you will.
Yeah, my honey bunny.
I’ve come upon a girl in the chat in the Discord called Pirate Barbie.
Apparently, she’s some sort of a demisexual, whatever that is.
I think that means she’s a succubus, right?
Being with a real man of Germanic forte and fields, I believe I can’t forget all that nonsense.
We go to a lot of dates.
Roller rink, church picnic, a picnic at the park where we just watch the children and talk about our future children.
Ice cream social, you know, they haven’t won this Saturday.
I had to look up what a demisexual is.
I can’t keep track of all these things.
Demi-
and I don’t know if this is true, but our very own pirate Barbie is apparently a demisexual, which is a sexual orientation in which a person feels sexually attracted to someone only after they’ve developed a close emotional bond with them.
The question is, can you become attracted to both men and female, or is it still just like a straight thing?
You’re not really attracted to guys unless you form this bond, but you never feel attracted to women that way.
That’s what I want to know.
Pirate Barbie, how Les is you on a scale of one to Jane Lynch?
Sorry.
That’s called a callback, baby.
All right, a couple more voicemails here.
Hey, Tim, it’s Edgelord Trash here, calling you from the Toyota Corolla of general disdain.
Listen, buddy, it’s me and my wife’s one-year anniversary coming up in a couple months.
Hey, congratulations.
I need a couple suggestions for fun gifts.
Could be anything.
I just love your unique taste on gift-giving and relationships, so I’d really appreciate the advice.
Anyway, love you, boo.
You know, I recently saw this great gift.
It’s a personalized pair of underwear you can buy off of Etsy, and it’s a pair of boxer shorts for dudes, but you submit a picture of your girlfriend or wife or just random woman, and they’ll put a picture of her on your boxer shorts right where your cock is at, and they have her positioned so her arm is kind of like cupping your nuts.
I’ll put a link on the show notes today to that.
It’s only like 13 bucks.
I mean, why spend a lot on your wife on the first anniversary, right?
You already got her.
You know, you can stop trying to woo her.
Now is the time when you just start annoying the fuck out of her.
Look, baby, and you pull down your pants, and it’s like, it’s you!
Grabbing my cock!
Foreshadowing of things to come tonight.
Our anniversary evening together or something.
I don’t know.
You’re asking the wrong guy, but I will provide a link on the show notes today to that Etsy shop.
They’re doing good work over there.
Do one more call.
What up, faggot?
Hello?
Ding dong.
Ding dong, baby.
I’m going to try to make that a ding dong.
Here I am with my final, final feedback on the 24th, the 20th anniversary show.
Now that you’ve figured out officially the 20th, you can fucking celebrate that shit whenever.
I was going to call in and, you know, tell about the WrestleMania’s and go by the WrestleMania, WrestleMania one.
There was no WrestleMania one.
It’s like something in it.
The fuck are you talking about?
Let me just fast forward a bit.
My idea for a 20th anniversary show is a live broadcast.
You can take in calls and have a special guest, like your mom and Corey or whoever you want.
You know, Thursday Lane, if you can get him on the show, not Meade.
Meade could go and take a shit.
I think it would be hard to get Meade back on the program.
I don’t think he’s a big fan of Meade.
No, Meade.
Thursday Lane, yes.
You know, maybe you can get the ding-dong British guy.
Yeah.
That’s my idea.
No Meade and Greet, none of that bullshit.
I know you won’t like that.
And you’re a podcaster.
Fucking people listen to you from overseas to…
That’s true.
It is hard to get everyone together.
But just once, I would like for that to happen.
I know it’s a far-fetched idea, but I would love to do just one big show where everyone was able to come and participate and have fun.
As for the details, I have no idea what would actually happen, how to make it entertaining for you freaks.
But I’m working on it.
I’m formulating a plan in my head.
Maybe for the 50th anniversary of DV.
Who knows?
All right.
That is all the time we have on this edition of the program.
I encourage you guys to email me at showatdistortedview.com.
distortedview.com is our official website.
Voicemail line for you.
206-666-4463.
That’s 206-666.
So God is it out again.
You’ve got come.
Spread the distortion.
Tell all your friends about the show.
Don’t forget to give us a five star rating, a thumbs up, or like wherever you can rate and review podcasts.
So this week is a little different because we started off with a best of show.
Tomorrow’s episode is going to be sideshow exclusive, but I’ll be back again on Friday with a show for everybody.
So that’s going to be kind of cool, right?
And then I plan on doing a sideshow exclusive program on the weekend, just for my paying freaks.
So yeah, you guys are getting another episode and it all happens on Friday.
Until then, have a great day.
Goodbye, Perv.
This has been another excellent podcast from the Scrod Media Group.
Learn more at scrob.net.
scrod.net
