Scooping Sunflower Seeds Out Of Your Rectum

March 1, 202470 min read

On Today’s Show:

00:00:00 Introduction
03:03:03 Child Crucifies Two National Anthems / Awful Singer
08:10:24 Livestreaming Your Firing / Meltdown
13:17:08 The Snapping Grannies Sing About Nut Sacks And Vaginal Bleeding
18:24:08 Scooping Sunflower Seed Shells From A Woman’s Butthole
23:24:22 Sovereign Citizen Arrest
29:46:23 Sign Up For The Sideshow And Support DV
31:14:01 PO Box Mail Coming In!
33:50:07 Turning Your Bandmate Into A Trans Woman
38:42:22 Always Tip Your Stripper
42:46:06 Did A Dog Injest His Owner’s Penis?
46:57:24Voicemails: 206-666-4463 / Ending

Watch: Mail Unboxing With Tim

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AI Transcript:

Hey, freaks, it’s Friday, March 1st, 2024.

Coming up on the program today, right-wing granny singing about nut sacks and menstrual blood.

Plus, scooping out sunflower seeds from your rectum.

The easiest way to steal your friend’s fiance is to turn him into a woman, and a dog swallowed his owner’s penis.

All coming up today.

Now, please remain standing as the IU Air Force ROTC presents our nation’s colors, and join in the singing of the United States National Anthem.

The night, that of their war still there.

Hey, oh, the land of the.

It’s the Distorted View Show with Tim Henson.

I don’t have kitty milk.

It’s amazing.

Welcome to 1-800-ASSHOLE.

Christian now fears his flatulence.

The vagina is full of AIDS.

And I love the aftertaste of semen in my mouth.

Yes, everybody!

Tim Henson back here with you for the Friday episode of DV.

I am so sorry I had to do that to you at the beginning.

I mean, I guess I could have just played an abbreviated version.

I didn’t have to play the whole song, the whole excruciating two and a half minutes of that abortion of a performance.

However, to be perfectly honest, I do kind of get off to torturing you.

I’m a sucker for other people’s pain.

You know it, baby.

Gotta give credit to Neeti.

I just happened to be on Facebook, and I saw that she posted a clip of this performance, and I had to dig deeper.

Apparently, this young girl sang the national anthem at the start of the most recent Indiana Pacers game.

Now, Neeti in her post said, y’all gotta start being honest with these kids, because this is ridiculous.

Which of course, I agree with 100%.

The whole time I’m watching this performance, I’m thinking, how the hell did she get a microphone?

Is this like a make-a-wish thing?

She did not get there on talent alone.

Me thinks leukemia had a big part to play.

That’s the only explanation that makes sense, right?

You’d think everyone involved would just want to kind of sweep this performance under the rug, pretend it never happened because it’s so atrocious, right?

No, the Indiana Pacers were posting this video all over social media, including Facebook, with the caption, the passion, the outfit.

This anthem performance was unmatched.

We were not listening to the same song, that’s for sure.

Now, I found an extended version of this clip on YouTube.

The Indiana Pacers were wise enough to turn off comments.

However, on Facebook, they must have forgot.

The most popular reaction to this Facebook post was the laughing emoji.

It beat the thumbs up by double.

Comments include, this performance was unmatched, all right.

Kudos to the teams for not falling on the floor laughing.

She sung her heart out, but I blame her parents.

Rory says, one of my biggest pet peeves is children who try to sing like adults.

A bigger pet peeve is adults who enable and encourage said children.

This baby gotta live with this for the rest of her life.

Pray for her.

I hate to boo a kid, but boo.

This performance was a disaster.

Terrible as fuck.

Now, I mentioned there was an extended video on YouTube.

The interesting thing about that Pacers game is they were playing the Raptors, which if you follow basketball, you would know, Raptors are Toronto’s basketball team.

So in addition to the United States national anthem, Canada was also honored.

And who croaked out a tribute to our friends up north?

That same screechy child.

No one of any nationality is safe anymore.

Kids have a way of being brutally honest, you know, in that way that’ll probably end up giving her a eating disorder or something.

You sounded like a dying frog, and your face looked fat on camera.

This poor girl’s gonna have it rough for the next few years.

Kids don’t forget, and neither do we here on DV.

That’s right, I’m a 40-some-year-old man bullying preteens.

Okay, no, no!

Come on.

Even if you think I’m a monster, you have to admit this is pure trash, right?

That whole exaggerated…

She sounds like my dad when he was thrown up in the morning, hacking up a lung due to his decades addiction to cigarettes.

Oh, can it already?

How about that?

Well, there you go.

That’s eight-year-old singer Kinsley Murray melting our faces off with her renditions of a couple national anthems.

Let’s just move on.

Hopefully, there’s gonna be no more music.

I’ll save any more Linda Finkel Hall of Fame nominees for, you know, tomorrow’s weekend show.

I do have a bunch of other great audio to share with you.

First up, in this age of Instagram lives and TikToks, it’s not unusual for someone who has just been fired from their job to want to vent to their followers.

Share with everyone the circumstances and the injustices surrounding the layoff.

In the clip I have for you today, the young man wastes no time in going live.

He’s not even out of the building yet.

As a matter of fact, the people who fired him are literally behind him in the video.

He’s pointing at a woman.

You feel me, this is Cobb organization, and they want to fucking fire me for some unjust shit because this racist ass bitch want to play with me.

Yeah, don’t say shit, you know not to say shit.

Fuck out of here.

These bitches want to fire me, then you got this nigga.

He the property, he the fucking project manager and shit.

He supposed to be staying on business, but he’s sucking her fucking pussy, so now he not trying to stand on business and let her nigga keep his fucking job.

Guy has a point, when you’re sucking pussy, you can’t stand on business.

You can suck pussy, or you can stand on business, but you can’t do both.

Yeah, but no one’s talking, he keeps doing this throughout the video, you’ll hear it a few times, where he tells these people to shut up, but they’re just like staring at him.

By the way, we’re just getting started, we’ve got like another 2 minutes of his ranting here.

Ooooooo, accusations of sexual harassment.

I think all of this unpleasantness could have been avoided with a few more workplace training modules.

Training Scenario 7.

Sexual Harassment from Bitch-Ass-Hos Mouse-ass-ho Melissa started acting away when she found out Shorty was working at the same establishment.

Furthermore, dumb bitch Melissa has been known to encourage male employees to bend over, to fuck them up the ass with strap-ins.

Was Melissa wrong for retaliating against a male employee just because he wouldn’t give her dick?

Or was that stupid hoe justified because she’s just trying to get hers, and if my boy didn’t like it, maybe he’d just hella gay.

Enter your answer now.

Alright, let’s continue on here.

What more can this guy say really?

I’m glad I hope the fuck she is.

I hope the fuck she is.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck all y’all.

Give me my motherfucking paperwork.

Give me my motherfucking paperwork.

I don’t know what paperwork he’s referring to.

He is holding some papers in his hand.

Y’all look fucking crazy.

Look, I look like the fucking the slave master now, don’t I?

I look like the slave master now, don’t I?

Fuck y’all.

Training scenario eight, racial sensitivity.

What is the proper response for a white employee when a black colleague calls himself your slave master?

Black people aren’t the ones who own slaves in America.

That was us.

We owned you.

Eyes are working as fast as my tired hands can go, Massa.

Or C.

N-word, please.

Enter your answer now.

Yeah, but think about it.

Think real hard.

You don’t want to screw this one up.

By the way, the correct response is secret answer D.

If you’re white, keep your mouth shut.

Which is kind of like what these people are doing.

They’re kind of just letting him say his piece.

Best not to engage.

You look like the slave master now, don’t I?

I look like the slave master now, don’t I?

Fuck y’all.

You got the fucking audacity to have farms and shit and try to play with a young nigga by his paper.

Fuck y’all.



Fuck you.

I’m about to get sturdy for the ass.

He puts his camera down and then starts dancing, the sneaker scuffing the floor.

It’s kind of funny.

That’s what y’all like?

You don’t have a lot of great moves.

He has grabbed one of their walkie talkies.

Oh, now all of the other employees are gonna get a piece of his mind.

I’m guessing it’s gonna be a lot of fuck yous and shut the fuck up.

Shut up, Don Dada, Don Dada, Don Dada to Farm 43.

You recording me, bitch?

I don’t give a fuck.

You was unjust.

Pretty much where the clip ends, I could have enjoyed another hour of that, honestly.

Well, we always have his next firing to look forward to, I guess.

Sure, he’ll live stream that as well.

Let’s move on.

Gotta say thanks to Stinner, I guess, in the Discord, S-T-N-E-R.

Sorry, it reminded me of the Alpine White commercial.

Stinner found a link to the YouTube channel of Snappin Granny’s.

Remember how, just a few minutes ago, I was like, no more music.

I can’t handle any more awful singing.

Well, by now, you guys know I am a big fat liar.

Yeah, Snappin Granny’s have some tunes, but first, let’s learn a little about them.

We call ourselves the Snappin Granny’s because we like to snap out about whatever is on our mind.

You don’t have to agree with us, but we certainly hope to make you think just think, just think about whatever the heck is going on.

Yeah, when Granny’s join social media and try to become influencers, I feel like the internet has jumped the shark.

We occasionally dip down into the nasty swamp politics.

We snap out our view on matters of health.

We talk about stuff that is affecting our neighbors.

You’d think they’d be singing about like insulin prices or the astronomical cost of adult diapers.

The top five assisted living communities in the United States.

Stuff like that, no, no.

What concerns them more than anything are trans people.

That’s right.

The word nut sack just came out of Granny’s mouth.

Alright guys, listen to me.

I hate to say this, but it’s not the worst song I’ve ever heard.

It’s kinda catchy.

That’s if he ever amputates his bits, he’s a man.

Jesus Christ, granny is hardcore here.

All right, she’s earned my respect.

She managed to fit in the words bloody ooze.

My hat’s off to you, honey.

I’m looking through the Snap and Granny’s other material, and it’s odd, like three weeks ago, she posted a song called Crooked Hillary and Blowjob Bill.

And it’s like, okay, they’re not even in politics anymore.

Why is everyone so focused on them still?

I’m not a drinker.

These grannies are free thinkers.

They say they didn’t drink the Kool-Aid.

They haven’t been brainwashed.

Trump store, look at all the bumper stickers.

Here these two women are that have not drunk any Kool-Aid, visiting their favorite place, the Trump store.

Oh, isn’t that great?

Yes, we are.

Yeah, what’s gonna make us happy?

I always draw the line at purchasing merchandise for political candidates.

I mean, vote for whoever you want.

But when you really start wearing their apparel and stuff, it’s a little strange.

I mean, and I feel like she’s drunk the Kool-Aid.

I like it better when they’re singing about nut sacks and vaginal blood.

That’s really where the snapping grannies shine, in my opinion.

Well, anyway, thank you very much, sinner.

Great submission.

Likewise, gotta say thanks to Slapplebags in the Discord.

You guys know I’m a sucker for emergency room horror stories, especially when it involves, like, patience assholes.

I’m such a butt slut.

Anyway, I’ve got a story here from a woman who is driving home, shortly after her shift ended.

Now, I just got off my 12-hour shift from the emergency room, and I had this really sweet lady who said she had rectal pain and felt like she was constipated because she hasn’t pooped in two days.

So I said, okay, no problem.

Let’s do a CAT scan, make sure that, you know, you’re not obstructed, make sure everything’s going good down there.

Yeah, we do the CAT scan, and it shows that she has stool in her rectum.

Well, isn’t that where stool is supposed to be?

I guess the problem is that the poops won’t come out of the rectum.

Apparently, enemas, multiple enemas did not work.

Nothing was like softening it up, like to get things moving.

I gave her a fleet enema, a mineral enema, a tap water enema.

We did three different kinds of enemas, okay?

We did oral medications, we did suppositories.

Nothing helped.

These stories always play out the same way.

Someone comes in with an embarrassing problem, but they’re never giving all of the information.

It takes a while.

Like, finally, after seven different enemas took place, the woman was like, oh, by the way, I have an idea of what might be causing the obstruction.

Like, why didn’t you tell me this to start with?

And then she goes and tells me, oh, like, it really, really hurts, I think, because I ate a whole bag, a large bag of sunflower seeds, and I can feel the shells cutting up my anus area, like the tissue, the rectal area, and every time she has to push, she feels razors coming out her ass.

This also sounds like the work of someone who has eaten a lot of sunflower shells before.

Like, she knows what that feeling is.

It’s just this time, the shells have like congealed and created some sort of rectal dam.

Why did you eat the shells?

Because even the fucking birds don’t eat shells.

Good questions are being asked here.

She proceeds to say, I’m not a medical professional, and I tried to scoop it out myself.

With her fingers.

And that’s the only way I find relief.

But I think if you did it, it would feel so much better.

The balls on that woman.

She knew exactly what she wanted when she came into the doctor’s office.

She was looking for someone to scoop out her sunflower shell-impacted asshole.

She could have just saved everyone so much time if she would have just come out with it at the beginning.

Now listen, it is within my scope of practice to be able to manually disimpact myself.

I mean, disimpact a patient.

Do I wanna do that?

No, no.

I try to avoid that at all costs.

But since the woman specifically asked her, she was like, okay, yes, I will shovel out the sunflower shells from your shitter by the seashore.

Oh my God, if the patient’s name is Sally, we have quite the tongue twister on our hands.

Say that five times fast.


Cindy shoveled sunflower seed shells from Sally’s shitter by the seashore.


Cindy shoveled sunflower seed shells from Sally’s shitter by the seashore.

Again, Dr.

Cindy shoveled sunflower seed shells from Sally’s shitter by the seashore.

Not bad.

Let’s finish up with this story.

So God bless my soul, man.

My tiny little index finger was scooping.

When I tell you, when I put my finger in her butt, all I can feel are sunflower seed shells.


It was just like gravel.

And then I scooped it out, and I literally pulled out shells.

I mean, just carcasses of shells, of seed shells.

I’m worried because I love pumpkin seeds, and I eat the shells.

Like, this is going to be me.

So yeah, more of the story is do not eat the shells of anything.

You’re a human, you cannot process that.

Honey, I will be paying you a visit relatively soon, I’m guessing.

I’m sorry, it’s worth it.

The pumpkin seeds with the shell are so much better than pumpkin seeds without the shells.

If I have to impact my colon to enjoy them, I will impact my colon.

And you will scoop it out for me with your index finger.

Well, there you go.

The horrifying tale from the ER.

And finally, before we get into the news today, it’s been a while since we featured a sovereign citizen.

Here is one getting arrested because he was annoying the fuck out of people at a grocery store and was asked to leave.

He believes he has a right to shop at the store though.

Let’s see how this all plays out.

Yeah, the cop was talking to a witness, and that’s when our sovereign citizen entered the store again.

Who are you?

You don’t touch me!

You do not touch me!

You do not touch me!

What do you mean I’m not?

I’m not trespassing!

They don’t even know me!

What’s your name and badge number?

Show me your badge number.

You don’t touch my phone!

You’re getting in trouble, boss.

No, I’m not!

For what?

For trespassing.

I’m not trespassing, and you can’t solicit a trespass.

That’s to be in written.

They can’t do nothing, has to be written.

Has to come from corporate.

They don’t want you here.

Has to come from corporate.

The sovereign citizen, his name is Tracy, by the way.

Tracy here seems to think he knows all the laws and rules, such as only corporate is able to ban him.

You touch me.

Hey, can we talk like adults, please?

We’ll talk as soon as he gives me his name and badge number.

Investigator music.

Badge number five.

All right, you got his name and badge number.

Do you think the sovereign citizen is going to talk now?

You’re an investigator?

Time to move the goalpost.

Police force.

17 years.

Can we talk?

You’re a piece of sh**.

You’re a tyrant.

You’re a tyrant.

Can we talk now, please?

You’re a tyrant.

Can we talk now and get this figured out?

Name and badge number.

After we’re done talking.

Name and badge number first.

Again, every step of the way, it’s a fight.

It’s your policy to identify yourself.

And I’m going in the store.

Don’t touch me.

You’re not going in the store.

You can’t touch me.

You’re not going in the store.

You can’t touch me.

He’s just wrong about everything.

One, he’s not going back in the store, and two, the police most certainly can touch you.

You’re not going in the store.

He keeps trying to go back into the store, and that’s when cops decide to handcuff him.

Well, now it’s time to play our favorite game, Bitch Boy Countdown.

That’s the game where you get to guess when a loud, aggressive, forceful, sovereign citizen turns into a crying, whiny little bitch.

It always happens.

Your job is to just determine when.

Will it be when he’s handcuffed?

When he’s placed in the back of the police cruiser?

When he’s taken to jail?

Or when he’s forced to call his family?

Think about it and lock your answers in now.

Let’s continue on with the arrest.

Stop resisting.

Stop resisting.

We’re quickly entering bitch territory, but okay.

Not quite there yet.

Guys, it’s not even 10 o’clock in the morning.

That’s another thing I always hear sovereign citizens say, like, I don’t consent to this arrest, as if that ever works.

Like, where on the internet are you reading this?

If you could just say no to being arrested, no one would ever be arrested.

I do not get this act.

You got a brick bar!


You got a brick bar, dude!

Oh, you’re in trouble, buddy.

Watch your glasses.

He doesn’t really believe in the justice system, unless he’s the one doing the suing, I guess.

What is wrong with you?

You don’t touch me like that.

You do not touch me.

Can you relax?

I do not get to consent or any seizures.

Record, brother.

I’m not resisting.

I’ve got no weapons.

I’ve got no weapons.

Okay, we’ll just take your word for that.

I’m just going to have to let the officer search you.

Come on.

Why am I being detained for?

Let’s go.

You can’t give me a trespass.

We just did.

It’s illegal.

Everything that the cops are doing is illegal.

Nothing he does is wrong, though.

It’s illegal.

You got to give me a warning first.

You never gave me a warning.

Pretty sure that the cops told you not to go back into that store.

You kicked me out.

You touched me.

Have a seat.

You can’t touch me.

Have a seat.

You can’t touch me.

Have a seat.

Hold on, Tyrants.

Have a seat.


Have a seat.

Name and badge number.

Well, he’s officially in the back of the police car now.

And now this cuff is tight.

Do this cuff, please.

Dude, I can’t breathe.

I’m hyperventilating.

I think this is where he goes full on bitch boy, right?

I can’t breathe.

My arms hurt.

I’m hyperventilating.

I’ve got asthma.

Window down, please.

Window down.

Window down, please.

Can you relax, please?

Window down, please.

Sir, I’m hyperventilating.


For a man who’s hyperventilating, he sure can scream pretty loudly.

Can I get your name, please?


Well, then no.


The cops shut the door.

That’s my favorite thing when the cops slam the door in the middle of someone screaming at them.

Surprisingly, the rest of the video is pretty mellow for the most part.

Here is the ride to the police station.

Torture cuffs?

Those are handcuffs.

They’re just handcuffs.

He also repeatedly asks the cop, do you feel good?

Do you feel good about what you did today?

What’s the issue?

Do I feel good?

Do I want to be doing this?

Is your question?

I mean, I’m doing my job.

Don’t forget something here.

I did this.

You did this.

Not me.

So this guy was ultimately charged with resisting arrest and criminal trespass.

A bunch of witnesses came up saying that him and a bunch of other people were just like standing outside of the grocery store, harassing them.

Not exactly sure what his deal was, but it sounds like he was trying to get into some altercations.

Well, mission accomplished, right?

All right.

And with that, let’s get into the crazy bizarre twist of the F&%k up news.

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And yes, we’ve got some patrons checking in today.

We’ll get to that in just a few minutes.

Oh, before we begin with the news stories, I did want to mention I checked my post office box yesterday and I got like four different packages.

So of course, as promised, I recorded a video since I was opening up a lot of stuff.

It ended up being like 10 minutes long.

I posted it on our YouTube channel.

And today on the show notes, I will embed that video so you can check it out for yourself.

The items I received a brand new bidet.

That’s right.

A second bidet.

Someone else sent in a very tiny little itty bitty jar of miracle whip.

Like it’s for doll houses.

Obviously, you know my feelings on miracle whip and their dumb commercials.

We will not tone it down.

So yes, I want to say thanks to little baby faggot for the bidet.

I want to say thanks to Delta 9 for sending in a bunch of cool sodas I showed off.

The person who sent the miniature miracle whip did not provide a name.

And then the final thing I got was really cool.

A DV listener sells socks, not like in a creepy way.

Not like he or she wears them for a week or two, gets them all stinky, and then sells their soil reeking socks.

No, no, these are fresh, colorful, very cool socks.

I was very excited.

They have like neat designs and stuff.

Like there’s one with a raccoon on it and a penguin, tentacles, snails, little creepy crawly spiders and stuff.

The socks are very awesome, very colorful.

It was very kind of that person to send them in.

And I want to plug their store, but on the little note I got from them, they signed it a nameless lifetime member who happens to sell socks.

So I didn’t want to give out their name or store if they don’t want me to.

I can totally understand not wanting to be associated with Distorted View in any way, shape or form, and you would prefer to remain anonymous.

That’s fine too.

But if you do end up not minding me plugging your store, I would be more than happy to because these are really awesome designs.

So thank you so much, unnamed mystery freak.

I did want to mention that though, because I’ve already had some people say, why didn’t you provide a link or say their name or thank them?

And it’s because they would prefer to remain nameless as far as I know, as far as I can tell.

But thank you so much to everyone for those packages.

Keep them coming.

Post office box information is on our show notes.

Okay, three very quick stories now.

First up, the hardcore band Lrona from Nashville has ousted their lead singer, Diego, following allegations of a sinister scheme involving dosing bandmate Six with a whole bunch of estrogen to basically transition him into a woman, or at least make him less of a man.

Maybe he’ll grow some bitch tits.

Also, Diego can swoop in and steal Six’s fiance.

It’s a trans sabotage.

I want this story to be true so bad.

I love it.

That being said, I cannot find any references to the band Lrona online, except for this news story, except for what’s happening here.

Like, I couldn’t find any of their music.

It’s not like on Spotify or anything.

They don’t even have like a web page or music up on social media.

Like, it seems pretty sketchy or just a way to get some quick publicity if they’re like a new band.

This is how they’re gonna make a name for themselves.

I don’t know if that’s the best way to go about it, but hey, we’re all talking about Lrona with two Ls.

According to a statement released on their now deactivated Instagram, the band accuses Diego of secretly administering estrogen to six, the bassist, with the intention of feminizing him.

The motive behind this act was purportedly to undermine six’s relationship with his fiance, whom Diego was reportedly infatuated with by appearing more masculine and robust in comparison.

I like that.

Rather than like working on yourself, going to the gym, becoming more of a dude, just make all the guys around you more ladylike.

Much easier, right?

The band’s post, attributed to six, detailed the distressing consequences of Diego’s actions, which led to six incurring substantial medical expenses as he sought to understand the sudden changes in his health.

Why has my cock turned into a dicklet?

It’s almost clitoris-like.

Doc, I’m getting a bit concerned.

Diego’s confession came to light after he inadvertently revealed his actions while intoxicated, subsequently confirming them through text messages.

Ooh, that’s the worst.

It’s one thing to spill the beans when you’re drunk.

Later on, you could just be like, I didn’t know what the hell I was talking about.

I was so wasted.

But like, the absolute worst thing you can do is have a paper trail of your misdeeds, you know?

Never want to text your confessions.

All right, the band shared screenshots of these admissions, including one where Diego stated, I was really drunk and told Six and his fiancee that I was obsessed with her and had a deep hatred for Six and gave Six estrogen to get an edge up on him.

As for Six, he plans to consult an endocrinologist to monitor his hormonal levels and will also have the remaining pre-workout supplements which Diego had provided tested for estrogen content.

Six’s statement further highlighted the physical and mental toll the incident had taken on him, including stomach ulcers, weight loss, muscle fatigue, and other undisclosed changes.

Pussy cramps.

The band’s decision to part ways with Diego was driven by the gravity of his actions.

Well, no shit.

You’re not gonna keep Diego on board after that revelation.

Diego did write, I’ve been kicked out of La Rona as well, and I will no longer be in the scene.

He’s giving up music.

This is also why, you know, it all just sat, look, I want this to be real.

A lot of news stories ran with this, but they didn’t really do any research, right?

Like, how come there’s no music on these guys?

And it’s so convenient that the guy who’s behind all of this is just like, I’m gonna disappear now.

You will never hear from me again.


I’m just saying, it’s, you know, it does seem like a lot of publicity potential the story is generating.

My bullshit detector is tingling a little bit on this one.

Should also be noted, I looked on the Nashville subreddit, and a lot of people over there are saying things like, I have literally never heard of these people, and I’ve been involved with the scene for over a decade.

Another person said, yeah, I’m in a Facebook group of musicians in Nashville, and I asked over there, nobody has heard of them either.

Someone else said, I looked them up, they don’t have any recordings, and they’ve only played like three or four shows.

And those were mostly house shows.

They may actually be a band though.

Someone by the name of T-Pasty says, I play in a metal band in Nashville, and we had a show coming up in May with La Rona as the opener.

We haven’t interacted with them much as they’re a brand new group, but as far as I know, the story is true.

So, this all very well could be true, who knows?

They said the band has been quite distraught over the publicity, so much so, they deleted their entire social media presence.

A bunch of other people are saying, yeah, it’s just a lame attempt at viral marketing though.

So, I’ll let you be the judge.

It’s a great new story though, if it is real.

Second story I have for you today, this one just happens to come from our most fucked up state.

Say it with me.

Yes, earlier this week, a patron at Body Talk, a topless club in Port St.

Lucie, Florida, experienced an unusual altercation when a man was struck in the face with a small stack of cash by a female employee.

He was like, a bitch about it, and called cops.

I don’t know why.

I mean, if someone threw a stack of cash at me, even if it gave me a black eye, I’d be like, thank you.

May I have another, mistress?

Beat me with your wads of hundreds.

Do it harder.

The incident occurred late Tuesday night.

Usually, incidents at strip clubs do take place at night.

Rarely is there like a melee at three in the afternoon.

Anyway, yes, the incident occurred late Tuesday night, prompting police intervention to investigate the alleged battery.

The male customer reported to the police that he was engaged in a conversation with several employees about his career.

He also admitted that the women were displeased with him for not providing any tips.

He claimed ignorance of the club’s tipping etiquette.

Okay, this guy, we’re dealing with just a cheap motherfucker here.

You’re telling me you don’t understand the concept of strip clubs.

This is like your first time there.

You don’t know that you’re supposed to stuff dollar bills down their G-strings.

This is how they make their money.

Where the fuck are you from?

That leads to an interesting question.

You know, tipping culture here in the United States is out of control.

People in like Europe and stuff, they can’t believe that we tip servers at restaurants and stuff.

What is the etiquette though in European strip clubs?

I have to think that it’s normal to tip your stripper or is it just like you pay at the door and that’s it and you just sit back and enjoy the show?

It’s like a whole other world over there.

I have to know what is common practice in foreign strip clubs?

Someone, you know, international listener, call into the show, explain to me what’s going on over there.

All right, yeah, he claimed ignorance of the club’s tipping etiquette, stating that he saw no sign indicating that tipping was mandatory.

However, in a rest affidavit noted that it was common practice at the establishment for patrons to throw money at the employees.

Yes, cause it’s a strip joint.

A friend of the victim, who was intoxicated at the time, mentioned that the man boasted about having a lot of money, but he was unwilling to tip, leading to a confrontation.

So he was like taunting the strippers.

You don’t want to mess with them.

They are desperate, desperate ladies.

They will cut you.

Well, it all led to a confrontation with 28-year-old Victoria Jones at around 9 p.m.

Jones, whose role at Body Talk is unspecified in court records, told sheriff deputies that the man was drunk, rude, and verbally insulting employees as he followed them from table to table.

She admitted to picking up a small stack of money and throwing it towards the victim, hitting him in the face with the currency.

Jones claimed that the act was done in a non-aggressive manner and justified it by saying, this is a place where money is thrown everywhere.

Grow up, this guy obviously does not belong in a strip club.

The victim’s friend witnessed Jones slapping the man with the money and club surveillance footage showed an exchange of words between Jones and the victim before she struck him with the cash and followed up with an open hand strike.

Okay, well, a little more went down than what she described.

She literally slapped him in the face.

Jones was arrested for battery, a misdemeanor, and was released from the county jail early the next day after posting a $500 bond.

She’s now scheduled for a March 15th arraignment.

That’s what’s happening in Florida.

And finally today, freaks, we’ve got a shocking story out of Northwest Germany where a man suffered severe injuries after his pet dog described as being about the size of a Jack Russell terrier.

So not a big dog, little dude.

That dog reportedly bit off his penis and consumed it whole.

I know.

The distressing event came to light early on Tuesday morning when neighbors called the police due to the dog’s continuous barking emanating from the man’s residence at around 2 a.m.

Apparently that dog was just hungry for more dick.

We’ve all been there.

I’ve been known to howl at the moon too.

Timmy horny, someone come by please.

Responding to the call first, so stupid.

First responders arrived at the single family home and heard agonized moans from inside.

It’s like dude, call an ambulance.

They forcibly entered the property to discover the 66 year old man and his dog in a dire situation.

Realizing the man’s life was at risk, they quickly transported him to the hospital.

Guess he was bleeding uncontrollably.

According to the German tabloid Bild, neither the man’s penis nor any potential weapon involved in the incident has been found at the scene.

What type of weapon would we be talking about here?

Do you think like the dog used a hacksaw to cut off the penis?

It wielded an ax or something?

Dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.

The victim’s health condition has also prevented him from providing any information about what transpired.

The dude’s in shock.

He’s like damn near catatonic.

Officials are currently considering the likelihood that the man’s injuries were inflicted by his dog.

Okay, so they don’t know for sure.

First police chief inspector, Frank Lamanis, of the Bochum Police, informed Build that the man was placed in an artificial coma upon arrival at the hospital.

Like just kill him, right?

That’s probably what the dude wants.

Just end it.

Make the suffering stop.

There’s no reason to go on.

Why can’t they do an x-ray of the dog’s stomach?

Should easily be able to spot a cock floating around in there, even if it is a little shoot up.

The man has stated one hypothesis, of course, is that the dog, which is about the size of a Jack Russell terrier, bit off the penis and ate it.

The wound could also be a bite wound, but it’s possible a sex accident or crime took place.

While the incident occurred on Monday night, the police have only recently made the case public in a bid to gather information from potential witnesses.

Bill reported that a murder squad, cool, a murder squad has taken over the investigation to unravel the circumstances of this perplexing case.

It remains unresolved.

I like the idea of police being referred to as the murder squad.

I know if I was a police officer, I would love that.

I would want to be part of a murder squad.

It just sounds so much cooler than like, you know, whatever, deputy or police officer or whatever.

By the way, the Daily Mail who also reported on this says, this isn’t the first time dogs have enjoyed the tangy taste of dick.

German outlets reported that a 61 year old Austrian man back in 2012 was attacked by a loose dog who also bit his genitals.

The man had been working on his bike when he was attacked.

He was rushed to the hospital where, after an operation that lasted several hours, thankfully the penis was able to be reattached successfully.

By the way, there are absolutely insane people in the comment section on this news story.

I love when news sites allow comments.

I think it takes a certain type of person to actually make the effort to leave a comment on news stories like this.

Russell wrote, I bit off my own by accident.

Another person said, cats would never do this.

Dogs are just evil.

All they do is hurt people.

You never hear any nice stories about dogs.

It’s all biting this, mauling that.

Apparently he is not a dog lover.

That, my friends, is your Distorted News for Friday.

Let’s do a couple voicemails and get the hell out of here.

All right, guys, love to hear from you.

And there are many ways to contact the show.

Show at distortedview.com.

I’m all over social media, at Distorted View on Twitter and Instagram, facebook.com/distortedviewshow.

Our voicemail line is 206-666-4463.

As you know, I’m usually way behind on those calls.

But if you are a patron and you pledge $5, you get access to a special voicemail line, which will bump you to the front of the line, I guess.

And I do have a bunch of patrons calling in today.

Let’s check them out here.

I don’t ever do Starbucks or anything, and I’m just calling to leave this message just in case, I don’t know, the cops show up or something.

But I’m sitting here at fucking Starbucks, and all of a sudden the lady comes up, they come outside to do this stuff, and to like take your order, only to hear you go, and I’m gonna choke her out, real, no ladies, hello.

Someone’s talking to him, as he’s calling into the voicemail line.

He hung up, right?

I like how she approached him, right as he was saying, I’m gonna choke her out.

Hold on, this is so great.

Choke her out, real, no ladies, hello.

Hello, oh hello, sorry about that, yes.

Only to hear you go, and I’m gonna choke her out, real, no ladies, hello.

Not only do you have to be careful where you’re listening to Distorted View Daily at, also be careful of when you call in to the voicemail line.

Never know who’s around you there.

All right, well thank you very much, Davide.

I don’t know exactly what you were referring to, but it was still funny.


Hey listen, I got a call.

I have a couple of questions for you.

I hope you answer them honestly.

The number one question is, have you ever been out in public at a restaurant?


Grocery shopping and run into a fan, a listener of the show, and they recognize you and approach you and.


How did that make you feel?

Were you like happy about it?

Did it make you feel awkward?


It doesn’t happen that often anymore.

It’s been years.

And part of that is because I don’t really leave the house, but it’s been years since someone has recognized me out in public.

But it’s happened all over the place.

Restaurants, stores, out doing stuff.

And first of all, of course, it makes me feel awesome when I’m like, especially when I’m with someone and I’m like, oh, yeah, it’s just a fan.

This happens all the time.

I’m a media darling, but I’m also super awkward when it, you know, when I’m dealing with people.

But please, if you ever do, you know, if you’re ever in the Cincinnati area or I’m out, out of town, or you happen to see me, feel free to approach me.

I’m, you know, I’m happy to talk to you.

Just wondering, I’m not the one in show biz.

Oh, yeah.

Not interested in being in show biz, but it’s just a curiosity thing.

Second question is, do you ever read any books, like self-help books?

A lot of people asking me if I’m, if I’ve gone to therapy, if I’ve seen a therapist, if I read self-help books.

You know, I mean, are you guys, what are you guys trying to say?

Like that or like novels or anything like.

I read, it’s embarrassing to admit, but I read the same novel over and over.

I don’t read a lot of books, but I have my favorite book, which is Douglas Copeland’s Microsurfs.

It’s on my phone, right?

And a lot of a lot of times I’ll be like going to sleep.

And for some reason, I’ll just read a few pages or a chapter of that book, and then I’ll fall asleep.

I know it word for word by this point, but it’s just one of those things that I’ll just, you know, whenever I need to like read something to go to sleep, you know, just to pass the time, I’ll pick up that book.

And I don’t read it like every night or anything like that, but it’s just like, I don’t know, like I’ll read a few pages here and there.

It’ll take me a couple months to get through the whole thing, because again, I’m only like reading just a little bit until I fall asleep.

And then I’ll just start right back at the beginning again.

I don’t know what that says about me.

It’ll educate you.

I don’t know, like…

I do read like a lot of technology related books or technology like history of various things like microprocessors.

I know I’m such a fucking nerd.

The history of AMD, you know, like that type of shit.

Also, I read a lot.

I’ll go on Internet Archive and I’ll like look at old computer magazines from the 90s or 80s, read articles from that.

With your business, not that you need any help, but I’m just…

No, I don’t read anything about podcasting really.

I’m just curious.

And last question is, do you have a fruit, do you have a favorite fruit, like, you know, apples, strawberries?

I like strawberries, I like apples.


Pineapples are good.

Pineapples is a relatively new fruit that I enjoy.

When I was a kid, I did not.

Coconut is another one that I like, but I did not care for when I was a kid.


You know, what’s your favorite fruit?

Yeah, I mean, I’m not a huge fruit or vegetable person.

I know that’s shocking.

When presented with the choice of eating a bunch of Doritos, chili cheese Fritos, Hostess cupcakes, donuts, or fruit, I’m never going to pick fruit.

That being said, I do like all the fruit that I mention, though.

It’s just not something that I actively eat.

I really should eat more fruit.

Your favorite pet Mexican.

Going off of another voicemail, somebody’s saying that you need therapy.

I think you need therapy as much as I do.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Well, you definitely need therapy.

I’ve spent a lot of therapy, even just a few sessions, I think would do wonders for you.

And I think you and Lord Douche…


What do you think?


Maybe I do need therapy.

What do you think is…

Hold on, let me formulate my thought here.

What do you think is going to be accomplished?

Why do I need therapy?

Explain to me what you think I’m going to get out of it, or how I will change because of it.

I think you and Lord Yoush should go to a couple of castles.

Oh, Jesus.

So, yeah, if you really want an opinion from somebody who’s been in therapy for years and years…

Well, apparently it has done wonders for you based on everything I’ve heard from you and about you.

I’m not currently in therapy, but I was.

And it actually did help.

Oh, okay.

I definitely would advise you to…

I have to look to see if my insurance would cover that.

Do you get an actual therapist?

You know, I got that Obamacare.

Love you.

All right, I’ll look into it.

How about that?

I really should.

There’s nothing wrong with therapy, I’m just saying.

A lot of people just have a lot of opinions.

Seem to think I need it.

Like, it’s obvious that I need it.

I didn’t think it was that obvious.

All right, that is all the time we have on this edition of the program.

Show at distortedview.com distortedview.com is our official website.

Voicemail line for you, 206666-4463.

That’s 206666, oh God is it out again.

I can feel the shells cutting up my anus area.

Spread the distortion, STD, tell all your friends about the show.

Don’t forget to give us a five star rating, a thumbs up or like, wherever you can rate and review podcasts.

Guys, for most of you, that’s it for this week.

If you’re sideshow freaks though, I will be back doing a weekend program.

If you wanna hear it, you gotta sign up, superfreaksideshow.com.

I will say thank you so much though for a wonderful week of programs.

Could not do it without ya.

Have an awesome weekend.

I’ll see you back next week.

Have a great Friday, you motherf*****!

This has been another excellent podcast from the Scrod Media Group.


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