On Today’s Show:

00:00:00	Introduction
00:22:07	Test Of Patience: International Rescue Ranger Edition
04:59:22	Thank God That’s Over With!
05:09:21	Just Kidding. Welcome To Hell.
07:31:20	Settle In…We’re Nowhere Close To Being Done
11:23:14	Sorry To Everyone Who Is New To The Show
12:43:13	Let’s Check In With The Vore (Human Swallowing) Fetish
16:31:14	Streamer Makes Random Girl Cry
22:44:02	A Power Ranger Loving TikTard Who Accidently Did Some Gay Stuff
30:31:12	Sign Up For The Sideshow!
33:22:08	Maybe Don’t Inhale An Octopus Whole
39:53:15	How Do You Think That High-School-Sponsored Toe Licking Contest Went?
44:23:10	Penis Mow Job Results In Domestic Violence Charge
47:05:02	Voicemails: 206-666-4463 / Ending

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Podcast: Download

AI Transcript:

Hey Freaks!

It’s Tuesday, March 5th, 2024.

Coming up on the program today, I introduce you to the flatulent Power Ranger fan who accidentally got sucked off by a dude.

Plus, getting a large sea creature stuck in your body.

And surprise, surprise, that high school student Toelik in contest didn’t go over so well with parents.

All coming up today!

It’s The Distorted View Show with Tim Henson.

Makes my bitch ass sissy pussy quiver.

I’m going to touch the feces and masturbate with it.

Full bloom AIDS.

Yikes, one of our longer tests of patience.

Usually, I show mercy on you, but not today.

11 minutes into the show and we’re just getting started, baby.

As painful as that was for many of you, I got news for you.

The people who really suffered were my sideshow freaks.

Yesterday, I made one offhand remark about Rescue Rangers.

And the next thing you know, subjected them to me singing the French version of the theme song twice.

And now today, another 10 minutes of that song, we went round the world with the Rescue Rangers.

Good luck getting that tune out of your head today.

Listen, I do have a great program for you.

Let’s pretend the last 12 minutes didn’t happen.

Let’s start fresh.

Hey, everybody, I’m Tim Henson.

I’m the host of this show.

I just realized that I’m advertising this month on Overcast.

This is not exactly my best foot forward.

So if you did happen to wander in because you clicked on an ad, I’d like to tell you that today’s episode is not representative of the podcast as a whole, but it kind of is.

It’s just it’s a lot of time-wasting bullshit.

If you’re looking to learn or become a better person, this podcast is not for you.

Anyway, if you don’t mind wallowing in the gutter with the rest of us, welcome aboard.

It’s gonna be a miserable experience.

At the top of today’s show, I want to talk about a very specific fetish that perplexes me.

No, it’s not toe sucking.

I understand foot fetishes.

It just grosses me out.

No, I’m talking about vore.

For those of you that don’t know, vore is a fetish where you get off to the idea of swallowing or being swallowed by a person or in some cases a monster.

And the reason why I can’t wrap my head around it is because it’s not possible.

You can’t even pretend.

You know, like some fetishes, like say adult babies, you know, they can pretend to be a toddler and they do baby things.

They shit themselves and cry.

It’s an approximation to the baby experience, but you can’t even do that with vore.

It ends up just being like, you know, people looking at drawings of little tiny humans being swallowed by giants or videos like I have for you today where dudes just talk about wanting to swallow people.

Here is a vore enthusiast who took to Twitter back on Valentine’s Day.

Happy Valentine’s Day v Twitter.

Just here to advertise my services.

Cozy little love hotel for later tonight.

He’s focusing on his stomach.

That’s the love hotel.

We’ve got plenty of open rooms.

You’d be surprised how many people we can have at a time.

If you’re looking for more entertainment experience, might I recommend our lower suites.

Okay, if you want to be inserted into his dick hole, he will accommodate those requests.

Or our back door establishments.

Oh, wow, he’s open to all orifices.

I’m just wondering why there are so many vacancies.

Doesn’t sound like a nice hotel.

Gonna have to check the ratings and reviews on you, sir.

For a more exotic experience, don’t worry, we’ve got your Valentine’s Day covered.

We’ve never had.

Anyone leave our experiences unchanged?

I never complain afterwards either.

I love when awkward dudes try to act sexy.

Yeah, way to sell that beer gut of yours.

So don’t wait.

Sign up now.

I’ve got a clip here of another man who wants to eat us.

And if anybody is going to be chewing me up, it’s going to be him.

Just because he seems way more sure of himself, way more confident, and that’s the type of person I want to eat.

My mouth?

Hey there.

You want inside my mouth?

Okay.

I want you inside my mouth.

Guys, this is happening.

I’m freaking out.

I’m going to try to make this next part an animated GIF and post it as our featured image.

He opens his mouth real wide as if to swallow us.

You like that?

He takes out his tongue.

Apparently, eating us feels good to him as well.

Ah.

Oh, my God.

That feels so good.

I have that effect on, guys.

Ah.

Get inside my mouth, you fucking mouth bitch.

All right, daddy’s taking charge.

Totally on board with this.

My mouth.

Ah.

Lockjaw.

Ah.

I’m a big boy.

Get me all inside you.

Call me a bitch again.

Call me a mouth bitch.

You fucking mouth bitch.

I think I’m trying to see the appeal of Vore.

I have to rethink my opinion on all of this.

Let’s move on.

I’ve got some other clips I want to share with you.

I’ve got one here of a guy who is live streaming, just chatting with randoms.

A woman connects just as he stands up to set his tea or coffee down or something.

It doesn’t matter.

So basically, the camera is just focused on the crotch area of his sweatpants for a second, and he sits down and then sees that a girl has connected to chat with him, and he makes a joke about her staring at his penis.

It quickly goes downhill from there.

He stands up, girl gets connected.

Stop looking at my dick.

I was not actually.

I’m trying to look for a pen that isn’t dead.

You can already tell she’s going to be a lot of fun.

Just for your information, I’m writing in my journal.

I’ve got so many thoughts and feelings.

And then she gives him the finger, and now he’s offended.

He’s like, whoa, calm down.

I’m just joking with you, you stupid bitch.

I was so unnecessary, bro.

That’s great.

I’m sorry.

Was it rude?

And then she gives him the finger again.

She does that thing where she’s like rolling her one hand, and then her middle finger pops out.

Real creative.

I’m sorry.

The spring must be broken.

And the finger keeps popping up.

That was really funny.

Oh, my God.

You’re such a funny person.

I got you a present, though.

I got you a present.

Of course, it’s going to be her middle finger, right?

Yeah.

It’s real nice.

I bought it at Target.

Oh, my God.

You’re such a funny-ass person.

So at first, you’re like, are they flirting?

Is this, like, playful, going back and forth, being kind of mean?

You know what I’m going to do?

You know, because you’re such a funny-ass person, bro.

I’m going to call your dad and tell him what the fuck he had, bro, because he didn’t discipline his dadder.

Or better, I’ll call your ex-boyfriend who cheated on you with your best friend, basically, and ask him why did he cheat on you, bro.

Oh, okay, that’s what’s up, that’s what’s up.

Do you know what I’m going to do else?

I’m going to call every single fucking boy that used you for your body because you were just an object that has no fucking soul and nobody wants to take you seriously.

Okay, I don’t think it’s flirting.

Well, these people are just way too sensitive.

That might fucking happen, too.

I should call all the fucking cuts you have on your arms, because when you’re alone, you’re depressed, you like to cut yourself because you think life just doesn’t matter, bro, and you’re really trying to fucking wash the pain away with some fucking cuts on your arms, but you’re still fucking depressed, and nobody does still want you, and boy, still just want to fuck you for you, and that’s it.

Literally one thing.

Wait a second, okay.

So this guy noticed she has some like marks on her arm, and boy, did he run with that.

Just one, literally one thing.

Yeah, just do it.

Come on, come on.

The things you are saying to me, the only reason they don’t hurt is because they’re things I’ve been saying to myself forever.

I think she’s basically just admitting that everything he observed or perceived is true.

This guy is good.

He can read a bitch.

She, on the other hand, is acting like it doesn’t bother her.

How long before she breaks down and cries?

I appreciate the effort, but they mean nothing to me because literally my own brain has been telling me that.

Because they’re true.

Yeah, it is true.

Did I guess every single one of those things?

I was so fucking good, bro.

I was like, oh, what the fuck?

Like I said, he is observant, although she does seem like damaged goods.

Not like he’s clairvoyant or something.

She’s a mess.

I think she’s starting to cry at this point.

Bro, I swear to God, bro, I’m not lying to you, bro.

Everything that I just said, I said it based on your appearance, bro.

I don’t know how I got everything correct, bro.

You can tell she’s crying.

You can stop now.

You’ve broken her.

I thought I was just being silly.

Oh, now that she’s crying, she was like, I was just playing with you, and you were so mean to me.

What I don’t understand is, like, no one’s holding a gun to this woman’s head.

She’s not being forced to talk to him.

Like, just disconnect.

Why put yourself through this?

I don’t care that you’re crying right now.

Actually, it’s pretty fun.

Damn, bro is rough.

I still think there’s like a 50% chance by the end of the video they’re going to make plans to hook up.

She seems like the kind of girl who’s only attracted to guys who are mean to her.

It’s okay.

So in reality, this guy I think believes that she’s just fake crying.

And in reality, she’s laughing.

Oh, come on, bro.

You stop acting I can see you laughing and shit.

And then he slowly comes to the realization that she is crying.

Oh, man.

Now he doesn’t know what to do.

On one hand, it’s been so easy to verbally destroy her.

Kind of fun.

On the flip side, there is a good chance if he goes at her any harder, she’s going to jump out her window.

I just don’t get why.

Why do you have to do that?

What did I do?

Well, you gave him the finger a bunch of times.

I can’t figure out.

Maybe she is playing him after all.

You know that’s going to upset anybody you say that to, because you know you were going to get something right and it was going to hurt somebody.

Yeah, he wins.

Just admit defeat.

He’s just a better competitor.

Yeah, but like you showed me a middle finger the moment we fucking met.

Both of these idiots are way too sensitive to be on the internet.

In the end, they kind of apologize to one another.

I’m sorry.

I apologize to him, man.

I apologize to him.

Can I see your titties maybe?

There’s a way of saying you’re sorry.

I’ll show you my dick.

Come on, let’s get this chat poppin.

Whatever.

I think I’m just going to get off there a little bit.

That’s something you probably should have done about five to ten minutes ago.

Well, there you go.

Another successful interaction on the Internet.

Hey, I want to turn my attention to the Discord where Basic Bitch has found us a new tiktart.

This is Scott Rogers.

He lives in Alabama and he’s looking for a girlfriend.

I want you to listen very closely to this clip.

There’s a bit of debate going on with some of the sounds in the background.

there any females that are single, don’t have any boyfriend or anything in Mobile, Alabama?

You should have heard it right there.

It was quite the rip.

I mean, as he’s talking about potentially looking for a mate, a woman that would be interested in him, he’s farting?

He’s outside walking on the street.

It’s all very rude.

Is there any females that are single, don’t have any boyfriend or anything in Mobile, Alabama?

I’m single, never been married.

That’s a shocker right there.

Never have kids.

Well, we can’t have kids, if you’re single, women in Mobile, needs a date.

I’m your man.

It’s so odd because it starts with him farting, and it also ends with him farting.

Now, the question is, is that one continuous ass rip?

I mean, some of you guys have probably had those prolonged ones before, and there are so long, the fart produces multiple notes, various pitches.

So it’s not inconceivable.

The fart started off strong.

And then sort of faded out, but was still there.

Right, there’s, it was just blowing air.

And then at the end, it finished strong.

sounds like what happened.

I’m not the only one who heard it.

Some comments on the video include, bro is tooting and scooting.

Bro, get that gas under control.

Trying to whiz while shizzing is absurd.

I never heard a two stroke fart.

Bro is in heat.

I thought my man was metal detecting.

A lot of great comments.

I’m curious about Scott’s other content.

What’s going on, everyone?

If y’all men wear pink, you know?

I have heard of that.

Yes, men wearing pink.

They’re not necessarily mean.

They’re gay.

You might have heard this saying, real men wear pink.

And that is so true.

I mean, I’ve been thinking about that today, so peace out.

He is deep in thought about the color pink and homosexuality.

Interestingly enough, the tags on this video include Power Rangers.

I think he’s just a fan of the pink Power Ranger.

I really do wish that people can stop saying I’m gay.

I don’t look gay.

And, I don’t be gay.

I’m with women, not men.

So shut up about that.

Yeah, here’s the thing about that though.

After BasicBitch shared with me a couple of his videos, I did some more research.

And the reason why everyone seems to be calling him gay, it’s not because he’s a fan of the pink Power Ranger.

That’s some pretty weak evidence that, you know, a man is gay, liking the pink Power Ranger.

More compelling evidence lies in the fact that he was blown by a man!

Yes!

Oh, things are getting more interesting now.

I’ve seen the video.

It’s up on Reddit if you look hard enough.

In it, it appears Scott is in a hotel room, or more likely a motel room, with an African American.

And at first, I just assumed it was a woman.

But I kept looking, I’m like, well, those are some really small titties.

And there appears to be something peeking out from above her underwear.

Yeah, Scott was with a guy.

I don’t think Scott knew it at the time, though.

He’s kind of that slow.

At least, I think that’s his defense.

He’s adamant that he’s not gay.

Here he is talking to someone about it.

Meaning the guy blew him and tricked him.

Oh my gosh, were you okay with that?

Before I knew it was a man.

Yeah, I was okay.

But afterwards, I was like, oh shit, gay.

Sorry, you’re officially a homosexual.

Even if you get tricked into it, gay is gay.

This is a great opportunity to take a moment to remind you, the first time you have sex with a woman, even if it’s just her giving you a blowjob.

Ask to see her pussy.

Just be like, look, if you don’t want me to touch it right now, that’s fine.

I just need to check.

I understand sometimes things slip through the crack, but you gotta give it a once over.

Visually inspect from head to toe.

Is there an Adam’s apple?

Is there any scarring around the tit area?

Now with these surgeries, they’ve gotten so good, you might not know that the person used to be a different sex.

There’s only so much you can do, but you gotta do your due diligence.

When did you at one point did you realize it was a male?

Uh, like he got done, I realized.

I’m pretty sure that’s not true, because I mean, I saw the penis, right?

Did you see anything?

Did he have something that same thing that you have?

Yes.

You didn’t you didn’t do a hand check.

You’re supposed to go down into the pants and make sure there’s no hot dog’s gut.

Well, it looks like the woman, you know.

I don’t think he’s seen a lot of women.

So you couldn’t.

The clits aren’t typically that big.

Tell it how to wean her.

Cause they’re probably been tucked, you know?

Uh, no.

Yeah.

Scott, did you take any kind of pictures or anything?

And of course, that was determined to be a lie because somehow video of that encounter leaked.

Poor Scott.

Now, I don’t want to end this segment on a sour note.

So there is one more clip I want to share with you.

It thankfully has nothing to do with gay stuff.

It’s just, it’s going back to what Scott does best.

This video starts with a fart before he even says his first word.

He knows what he’s doing, right?

Yeah, he also refers to the Wolfpack a lot.

I’m not sure what that means.

It’s all about Power Rangers and Wolfpack with him.

But this time, it’s the clowns.

Bring me Brax.

I don’t know.

I don’t know what Brax means.

Get a message.

Let him make a message.

Well, I certainly think this is tic-tard material, so thank you so much, Basic Bitch.

I am now fully invested in the Scott Rogers saga.

And with that, let’s get into the Crazy Bizarre Twist.

Ta-da!

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One final way to help us out, we’ve got a Patreon account, patreon.com/distortedview.

You can pledge as little as a dollar over there.

Every little bit helps.

Yesterday, I posted a video showing off the newest DV merchandise that our higher tiered freaks will be getting.

If you pledge at least $20, occasionally I send out t-shirts, mugs, all sorts of stuff.

This month, very cool, I’m sending out a DV logo plushies.

No, there are no holes to fuck it.

This is not a sex toy plushie.

It’s basically almost like an overstuffed pillow, but it’s very soft, a little fuzzy.

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But right now, higher tier patrons are getting them for free.

Also, I announced that every single patron, no matter the pledge level, will be receiving a sticker pack in the coming months.

Just so you know, it’s just something little.

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patreon.com/distortedview.

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I got a goddamn broken record.

All right, three very quick stories now.

First up, we got a story from Singapore here.

A man experiencing difficulty with swallowing.

Oh, yeah, we have some audio of that.

He is really struggling.

Poor guy.

It doesn’t sound like he’s getting any air.

I’m so glad he sought help.

Heartbreaking.

A man experiencing difficulty with swallowing sought medical assistance at the Tan Tock Seng Hospital in Singapore, where physicians discovered that the reason why he had trouble swallowing was he had an octopus lodged in his throat.

That’ll do it.

Also, what the fuck?

Did you forget you swallowed an octopus hole?

You didn’t realize that was gonna get stuck in your throat?

Yeah, the octopus was obstructing his esophagus.

The 55 year old patient had consumed a meal that included the marine creature.

Do you not chew?

God, you know, my dad used to always yell at me because I would eat my food too fast.

You know, as a kid, I’d want to get back outside and play, or I’d just not want to be around my family.

You know how it is.

So I’d eat quickly, and my dad would be like, Whoa, whoa, whoa, chew slowly.

Enjoy your food.

I’m like, Dad, it’s Vienna sausages and pork rinds.

Did you forget we’re poor?

Talk about savoring my food, enjoying it.

Honestly, I’m just trying to keep it down.

I gotta be honest with you.

I was a huge fan of Vienna sausages.

I’d put them on like saltine crackers.

Yeah, you cut the Vienna sausages up, even though they’re tiny little wieners to begin with.

You cut them up, you put them on a saltine, you smash it down, maybe spread it, because, you know, Vienna sausages are very like soft.

And what you got yourself is like a white trash hors d’oeuvres.

They kind of look fancy if you squint.

Anyway, I’m sorry.

Back to the story.

Maybe I do need to go to therapy.

I think I’m holding some sort of weird anger against my father, making me eat pork rinds for dinner.

The 55-year-old patient had consumed a meal that included the marine creature, and shortly afterward, he began to vomit.

Upon conducting a computed tomography scan.

Oh, just say CT.

Big words tend to trip me up.

I like to use acronyms whenever possible.

A hyperdense mass was identified in the patient’s windpipe.

Further examination through, oh my god.

Talk about a long word.

This one’s got like 28 letters in it.

It’s an osof…

Osofogastrododoscopy, or OCD.

I’m sure I wasn’t anywhere in the ballpark without pronunciation.

Anyway, the OCD revealed the octopus, complete with its suckers, lodged five centimeters from the gastroesophageal junction.

One of the lesser-known schoolhouse rock songs.

Alright, despite initial challenges, the medical team eventually succeeded in extracting the octopus by carefully maneuvering the endoscope past the mass, into the stomach, and using forceps to grasp the head of the octopus, who was like all turned upside down in there, for removal.

The patient made a swift recovery from the procedure and was discharged from the hospital two days later.

I mean, I’ve never actually eaten octopus, especially like raw octopus, but do you just like swallow it whole, I guess?

The medical staff at Tan Toxin Hospital noted that food blockages are amongst the most common issue they encounter in their practice.

Typically 80 to 90% of food bolus problems, I guess, resolve spontaneously, while 10 to 20% require endoscopic management.

Surgery is necessary in less than 1% of cases.

The push technique is the primary recommended method.

That’s just where you just continue jamming the food down your throat.

Eventually, you know, your body opens up to accommodate the mass.

It’ll right through down into your stomach.

Plenty of room in there, right?

They caution that applying excessive force during the procedure can lead to esophageal perforation.

In a separate and equally unusual medical case, doctors at Aswan University Hospital in Egypt were taken aback when they discovered that a man had ingested an entire mobile phone.

That almost makes more sense to me than swallowing an entire octopus whole.

You know, I could see someone like trying to take a selfie, they’re positioning their camera, and they got their head tilted back because they want to look thinner or something.

They want to present as if they have a chin.

And then, you know, their phone slips out of their hand, down, down their gullet.

Or maybe, you know, they just got done eating popcorn.

And he feels something in his mouth.

I got a kernel in the back of my tooth.

I can’t get it out.

Where is it?

And he’s like trying to like take a picture of it with his phone.

And again, slides down his throat.

It seems more rational than like just actually eating a whole octopus, just like sucking it down.

Head, all the legs, all at once.

Anyway, this was probably more dangerous than the octopus, though, because he swallowed the entire phone.

And then he waited six months before seeking medical attention.

You know, meanwhile, all those electronics are quickly corroding because of, you know, the stomach acids and stuff.

Not to mention the battery, which are the batteries leaking.

The man said he was too embarrassed to seek help immediately.

He hoped the phone would pass naturally through his body, but instead it became lodged in his stomach, obstructing the passage of food.

Your weight loss technique for me, maybe?

Someone suggest that to him.

Swallow your Galaxy phone.

The bigger the Samsung phone, the better.

All right.

Anyway, so yes, it obstructed the passage of food and it caused life threatening injuries that necessitated urgent surgical intervention.

According to Mohammed El-Dashoury, chairman of the board of directors at the University Hospital, this was the first instance the hospital had encountered of a patient who swallowed their entire phone.

So it was a good learning experience for everyone involved.

Second story we have for you today.

I cannot believe shit like this is still happening in our public schools.

Considering all the nuttiness and outrage about like trans kids in high schools and book bannings.

I mean, books have been banned because the author’s last name is gay.

That pushed that book over the edge.

It’s just a little too gay.

It’s right there in big letters on the cover.

And you know, those crazy bitches’ moms for liberty or whatever, they’ve been at it.

Teachers are afraid to say anything.

They don’t want to get in trouble.

School administrators, they don’t want to rock the boat.

I mean, you know how crazy those school board meetings have gotten?

We featured them so many times here on the podcast.

So when officials approved a school-wide toe-licking contest, you’d think some red flags would have been raised by someone.

But no, the event took place.

Of course, kids were videoing it on their phone.

And now the inevitable backlash.

The Deer Creek School District issued a statement this past Friday in response to a video shared with local Fox affiliate Fox25, which depicted students licking toes during the school’s wonderful week of fundraising event.

Oh, God, please tell me it was students licking teachers’ toes.

Let’s make this as creepy and inappropriate as humanly possible.

An anonymous student expressed shock and disgust to Fox25, stating, I didn’t think they were going to do all that.

I was just shocked.

I didn’t really have, like, a feeling.

I was kind of disgusted.

I’m right there with you, honey.

And then kind of glad I wasn’t over there.

Similarly, an anonymous parent was taken aback, questioning, they’re licking peanut butter off of toes?

I guess it’s better than licking bare toes.

Spice it up with something, you know?

Peanut butter’s good.

The fundraising week aimed to support Not Your Average Joe Coffee, an organization that employs individuals with intellectual, developmental, and physical disabilities.

Honestly, it sounds like the perfect charity to be raising money for, considering how retarded this event ended up being for the school district.

One parent said they supported the fundraising effort, but they felt the toe licking activity was, quote, a little excessive.

According to the district, Deer Creek High School organized an assembly called Clash of Classes on Thursday, where students from 9th to 12th grades could pay to participate in various competitions.

The district emphasized that all participating students had voluntarily signed up for the games in advance, and no faculty or staff members took part in the assembly.

Okay, so a little less creepy.

Until, of course, you realize that meant all faculty and teachers were watching the kids lick toes.

Get in there, Braden.

I want to see your tongue in between the toes.

The toe-licking event involved students paired up with their respective grade levels.

The district announced that a total of $152,000 was raised for not your average Joe Coffey during the week.

I have a question.

Did anyone have to pay to watch the students lick toes?

Because I think that’s where all the money came from.

I want to see who donated the most.

That’s the pervy teacher.

I want the district to double check and make sure he’s even allowed around kids, if you know what I mean.

While a parent praised the fundraising achievement, they suggested that the district could have taken more responsibility in their statement, saying, I feel like maybe they could have done a little bit more accountability and ownership.

Hey, you know, maybe we didn’t fully think this thing through here.

In the statement by the school district, it said that students volunteered to participate in various student-organized class competitions.

Like the kids came up with it, you know, the idea for these games themselves.

No teacher or faculty were involved.

The statement goes on to say, we want to stress to our community that much of the information accompanying the video is inaccurate.

However, through this specific game, we failed to uphold the dignity of our students.

They’re fucking teenagers.

And the proud image of our community.

And then it goes on to say, you know, the boilerplate shit.

We’re taking steps to ensure that this never happens again.

By the way, this shit took place in what?

Oklahoma?

That’s one of them red states.

I thought it was only blue states where the teachers were grooming kids.

So final story we have for you today.

This is a very short one from Australia.

A 44 year old man who cannot be identified for legal reasons has been given a suspended jail sentence after pleading guilty to violating a domestic violence order against his brother.

What exactly did he do?

Punch him, set him on fire, push him down the stairs, rendering him a quadriplegic?

No!

The man committed the offense by mowing a giant penis shape into his parents’ lawn in an attempt to insult his older brother.

That’s what constitutes domestic violence over there in Australia.

I thought you guys were supposed to be, like, not pussies.

I thought it was, like, you know, a harsh environment.

It’s always hot.

There’s all these, like, creatures and insects and animals and stuff that are trying to kill you.

This new story does not line up with everything we have learned about Australia over here.

You guys are pansies crying to the court because someone mowed a dick into the grass.

Boo hoo, domestic violence.

All right, so yes, the man mowed a giant phallic shape into his parents’ lawn to piss off his older brother.

The incident occurred between February 16th and February 20th.

That’s how long it took to mow the penis?

That thing must have been massive.

Nice job.

Yeah, it was a four day job.

I really wanted to get the testicles right.

Those fleshy fuckers can be tricky.

It all happened in the Brisbane suburb of Burbank, where their parents reside.

According to the Courier Mail, the man took advantage of the overgrown lawn at his parents’ house and mowed his brother’s name next to the offensive shape to make the insult clear.

Despite claiming to police that it was just a joke, he was charged with breaching the domestic violence order issued on January 24th and violating a probation order.

Okay, so he’s been in trouble previously.

And Marie Russo, the man’s legal aid lawyer, told the court that her client believed the act would be taken as a joke, but now understands it was in poor taste and not a joking matter.

She acknowledged that it was a clear violation of a good behavior order.

I want to know what he’s done previously to piss off his brother, so much so that the courts have already been involved once or twice.

Magistrate Michael Quinn described the man as a serial pest due to his history of breaching domestic violence orders.

He sentenced the man to a two month prison term, which was fully suspended, emphasizing the need to show that courts will enforce domestic violence orders and to deter similar behavior in the future.

There you go, that, my friends, is your Distorted News for Tuesday.

Let’s do a couple of voicemails and get the hell out of here.

Alright, I love to hear from you freaks, and there are many ways to contact the show.

Show at distortedview.com.

I’m all over social media at Distorted View on Twitter and Instagram, facebook.com/distortedviewshow.

You know all the ways to contact me.

Don’t forget, we’ve got a post office box now.

If you have something you’d like to send, whether it be a letter, card, package.

Love all the stuff I’ve been getting, including those awesome socks.

I got some soda.

Haven’t tried it yet.

I gotta put them in the refrigerator.

They’re still up here in the studio.

And then, of course, the bidet.

Got another bidet.

Yeah, I’m rocking dual bidets right now.

I have not installed either of them.

But yes, I will check my post office box later this week again and do a video.

If anything shows up in the post office box, I told you, I’ll post a video on YouTube or TikTok or something.

All right, let’s check in with a few freaks.

Of course, our voicemail line, 206-666-4463.

I’m always way behind on those voicemails, like by months.

So those patrons who pledge at least $5 get access to a special voicemail line where I’ll play their calls first, sort of priority voicemail, I guess.

Juhu Timu Hu, Haley’s Comet, calling up with another Kim Was Right comment.

I love these calls.

My favorite type of calls.

This specifically is about your rereading of the same book, To Fall Asleep.

Oh yeah, I did say my favorite book of all time is Microsurfs by Douglas Copeland, and I read it often.

It doesn’t say anything odd about you at all.

As a matter of fact, it’s something that recent sleep research recommends.

People will often reread the same books or listen to the same…

See, guys, I am perfectly fucking normal.

I don’t need therapy.

I don’t.

I don’t, I tell you.

I don’t need therapy…

.

music, because it helps them relax and wind down, because it’s enough of a distraction to keep you from thinking about your day, but because it’s familiar and well-known, it’s not going to engage your brain as much.

Right.

You know, if you’re really into a book, you want to, like, stay up and read it, right?

You get into it.

But I’ve already read it.

I know what’s coming.

So it’s a good way to wind down.

It’s kind of the idea behind books like This Book Will Put You To Sleep.

Never heard of it.

Tim, you’re doing what sleep doctors would recommend to help you get to sleep.

Did I just hear a low battery smoke alarm?

You’re doing what sleep doctors would recommend to help you get to sleep.

Maybe.

I don’t know.

Check your batteries, Haley.

Timmy, it’s Greg from Austin calling.

I am listening to the voicemail segment of the Friday show.

And Scumhook had called in and made a comment about this office situation going in your basement at the board business company.

And you’d also thank the person that called to remind you about the special limitations in Ohio.

Yeah, that was me.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

He is getting his car fixed now.

The repair cost, by the way, came at $9,000 and some odd dollars.

That’s how much it’s going to cost.

I mean, we obviously don’t have to pay it because it wasn’t his fault, but that’s what it’s coming to.

I work in the insurance world, and I can’t believe I let this fly past me.

But I hope that you and Lord Douche have spoken to your insurance company about this, because running an office, like an actual office space, out of your house with office equipment and things like that, that can affect the coverage of your homeowner’s policy.

It could also give your insurance company a reason to deny a claim on your house that something happened.

So if you have not done that, get in touch with your insurance company and make sure that Lord Douche’s workplace is also getting the correct insurance for that type of a setup, because that makes things kind of complicated on your homeowners.

I don’t know if Lord Douche has looked into that or not.

I guess it kind of does affect me, so I should be involved.

It’s not like just your studio where you work alone and you’re the only person working out of your house.

That’s a totally different thing.

Right, yeah, this is just like a room.

That’s an office.

The company moving shit in.

You guys need to make sure that you actually have coverage set up.

I mean, I’m sure they do.

It’s a legit business.

Correctly for that.

Holy shit, we’re fucked.

We are fucked.

By the way, you know, thank God I’ve got you listeners here.

You’re really, you know, despite what I may say about you, from time to time, you guys are helpful.

You listen to me rant and rave, and you remember things.

Like this guy remembered that Lord Douj’s car was all crumpled up a couple years ago, and he was like, hey, you better do something about that now.

There’s a statute of limitations or something.

Something like that.

And now with this information, you guys truly are pulling your weight in this relationship.

Thank you.

You are all entitled to one free blowy by me.

Hey, Tim.

It is PromoCoveFreak calling from the subi of sodomy.

So I want to take a quick little Mead moment, Mead Minute, if it were.

I know you’ve had your…

Hey, real quick, before you start your rant, Mead just posted a new video on his Fit and Lean channel.

Unfortunately, it had nothing to do with Mead being fit or lean or not fit and not lean.

He went to a Trump rally.

Yeah, apparently Trump stopped by Richmond, Virginia.

Mead finally got to attend the Trump rally.

Remember last time he didn’t get to go because his daddy wouldn’t let him.

I recorded a whole song about it.

It is still one of my favorites, so I’m going to play it again right now.

So hey folks, I’m very disappointed.

I want to go to the Trump rally, but my daddy won’t let me.

Doesn’t that sound like an old country and western song?

Come on, you gotta admit that’s a banger.

I did some real good work that day.

Go and take a quick little mead moment.

Yes, go ahead.

A mead minute, if it were.

I know you’ve had your inkling that this guy might be fake in the past.

I mean, yes, but I know that he’s not, right?

Mead is for real.

He’s the real deal.

I’ve kind of been, you know, always trying to pick up a little bit.

You know, is this guy for real, for real?

And he did a live stream the other day, and he seemed to legitimately be disappointed that he was not called by the people of Toby Keith to sing at his funeral.

What?

How did I miss that?

Someone?

What?

What?

What?

I meant what?

Like, there’s no humor behind it.

He seemed legitimately upset.

I missed that live stream.

I’m going to need a timestamp on that, freaks.

Very fucking strange.

I don’t know.

That made me kind of go, this guy, this guy’s a phony.

He’s a phony.

Also, he can fast all he wants, but you know he’s drinking sweet tea.

He’s drinking so much fucking sweet tea.

That’s true.

Someone should ask him about the sweet tea situation, since he’s a huge ass fan of that.

He can fast all damn day, but when you ingest 4,000 calories from all that fucking sugar, you’re not going to lose a goddamn pound.

And he isn’t.

Anyway.

Oh, and one last thing.

You were talking about that original video or the original audio of that crazy news reporter woman.

Yeah, Maria Athens.

Have a nice day, you motherfucker!

I was stalking the mayor of Alaska.

Good job on you during Christmas.

I don’t think anybody gave you credit on that.

You had it somehow say, have a good Christmas, you motherfuckers.

Yes, of course.

You got to listen closely.

Sometimes I go the extra mile.

Put in some effort.

For those of you that don’t know, on the very last episode of DV before Christmas, I ended the…

Well, I have it here.

This is how the show ended.

Nailed it.

Let me try to fast forward here.

Have a great Christmas, you motherfucker!

See what I did there?

Pretty good.

I put the work in that day as well.

You guys deserve a quality podcast, and I give you a quality podcast.

Crafted with care.

Alright, that is all the time we have on this edition of the program.

Show at distortedview.com.

distortedview.com is our official website.

Voicemail on for you!

20666-4463 That’s 20666.

Oh, God, is it out again?

Afterwards, I was like, oh shit.

Spread the distortion, STD.

Tell all your friends about the program.

Don’t forget to give us a five star rating, a thumbs up, or like wherever you can rate and review podcasts.

If you’re Sideshow members, I’ll see you back tomorrow.

Otherwise, I’ll be back on Thursday.

Until then, have a great day.

This has been another excellent podcast from the Scrod Media Group.

Learn more at scrob.net.

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