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How To Hire A Python To Eat A Child

March 14, 202471 min read

On Today’s Show

00:00:00 The Distorted View Thursday Night Movie
00:24:16 Introduction
02:24:14Old Gay Men Preying On Young Guys Online In The 90’s #GayDads4Sons IRC
08:50:07 Adult Phone Chat Lines
11:55:16 A Phone Sex Wakeup Call Service
14:52:19 Meade Has Lost Weight..And Maybe Exposed Himself
22:57:12 The Mighty Farting Power Ranger Fanatic
25:48:00 Smelling Your Sister’s Shit-Stained Panties
Go Watch And Subscribe To This Wonderful Marshall Mathers IV Resource On Youtube!
31:16:12 Sign Up For The Sideshow!
33:38:13 John Cena Satanic Humiliation Ritual Exposed!
37:45:02 Blowing Up A Woman’s House And Having A Python Eat Her Daughter
41:07:11 Florida Man Wants You To Yank His Scrotal Chain
45:33:10Voicemails: 206-666-4463 / Ending
Promo Code: FREAK Save 50% + Free Shipping And Gifts | Coupon Code “FREAK” at checkout! Adam&Eve

Our New PO Box Address!

Distorted View
PO Box 36268
Cincinnati, OH 45236



AI Transcript:

Tonight, a nuclear bomb is sent back in time to destroy the past.

But when the scientist tasked with retrieving the device impregnates a cave woman named Tongo Ganga, will he fight for the present or follow his heart to the past?

Prehistoric romance meets suspense when Tony Randall and Vanna White star in this made for gas station screen TV movie, Fallout of Loves.

Coming up on the program today, the erotic wake up call service that apparently didn’t really catch on in the 1990s.

Plus, getting aroused by smelling your sister’s shit-stained underwear, hiring a python snake to eat a child, and posting a public notice that scrotal tugging is encouraged.

It’s The Distorted View Show with Tim Henson.

Welcome to 1-800-ASSHOLE.

Please, no confessions involving children.

I wanna come while I eat your smelly, hairy, wet pussy.

Is Miss Vagina thinking about Mr.

Peanuts?

All right, hey guys, Tim back here with you for your Thursday episode of Distorted View Daily.

Have a great one.

As many of you know, I am very nostalgic for the greatest decade ever, the 1990s.

A lot of it really has to do with the fact that I was coming of age in that decade.

Those were my formative years.

I look back on every aspect of that decade very fondly.

If it was socially acceptable for me to be sporting a bowl cut wearing flannel and baggy jeans all the time, I would.

I loved every part of the 90s, and each section of the 90s really had its own distinct feel.

The early 90s, kind of a holdover from the 80s and then it led into the whole Nirvana grunge.

Everyone’s dirty and gross looking.

It was just socially acceptable to be filthy.

I loved it.

And then in the mid 90s, that’s when the internet started to hit the mainstream.

People started to talk about it.

Even my fucking podunk town of Ashtabula, Ohio, got internet access.

And of course I begged my parents to get it.

I don’t know how I managed to convince them like what I told them the internet was gonna be used for.

Probably homework.

That is not what I used the internet for though.

On a typical night, you could find me locked in my room, radio blasting, radio head, garbage, and of course towed the wet sprocket.

And I was using my blistering fast 56K modem to chat with old men who just wanted to perv out with a 15 year old.

Did we call them pedophiles back then?

Maybe some people did, but I called them daddy because they specifically asked me to.

You think I’m kidding?

And I’m not.

There was like, I don’t know if this thing still exists, but the internet had a chat protocol called IRC.

It didn’t use like a web browser or anything.

It was its own application and it was all text-based, but you’d connect to these servers and there would be tens of thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of people online, all in different channels.

It was kind of like Discord, except there was way more illegal activity going on, if you can believe it.

Anyway, there was like, I think you would use like a command like slash list or something, and it would list all of the available channels and there’d be thousands of them.

And you could see how many people were in the chat room.

Naturally, as a horny teenager.

And I mean, the internet came around really at the worst possible time for me.

I got it at the age of, I don’t know, 15 or 16, that time in every boy’s life where they’re like constantly horny.

Your judgment is blurred and dangerous ideas start to sound like great ideas.

A 35 year old dude wants to be my friend and he’s willing to travel three states just to meet me in a motel.

You know, someplace quiet where we can get to know each other.

Well, that all just sounds great.

You in danger, girl.

Anyway, like I was saying, you get on this like IRC chat program and you could list all of the chat channels or your rooms or whatever that are available.

And naturally I’d want to like go into like the gay or porn channels.

Timmy Boo looking for dick on a school night, no less.

Shame, shame, shame.

But you don’t want to go into the channel that only has like three people or five people.

You want the room that’s hotbed with a bunch of people.

Maximize your chances.

And inevitably, every single time I logged on, the chat room with like the most people, hundreds of people were in there.

Was the room named something like Gay Dads for Sons?

Doesn’t that just sound sketchy as shit?

I’m sure today the FBI would be all over that channel, right?

There would be near constant raids on the people those IP addresses were connected to.

Back then in 1995, no one knew what the hell was happening on the internet, especially a 15 year old boy.

I didn’t know what the hell Gay Dads for Sons even meant.

I was like, oh, isn’t this sweet?

Maybe it’s like, you know, sons coming out to their father and then the father realizes that they’re gay too or something, I don’t know what I was thinking, but it didn’t take long for everything to become crystal clear.

You don’t want to know how many times I almost ran away from home to live with a guy in Mississippi.

I got so many offers.

You should come down and stay with me.

I’ll take care of you, give you money.

I got four wheelers down here.

Like they were saying all the right things.

They were always offering.

Now, thankfully, believe it or not, and I’m not tooting my own horn here, but I am not developmentally challenged.

I knew exactly what these guys wanted and I would play along because, you know, horny, but I never really, I never gave them real information, never actually considered moving to the deep south.

It was really just, you know, jerk off material for me, I guess, I don’t know.

This, by the way, has gone totally off the rails.

I don’t know how I got on this topic here.

I really just want to play some 1900 phone sex ads for you.

Somehow there was going to be a link.

I was gonna bridge that, but I fear I veered too far off topic.

I’m so sorry for oversharing.

Instead, it’s like today on Distorted View Daily, how a young Tim Henson was almost human trafficked.

A shocking and sad story.

Yeah, the nineties maybe weren’t so great after all.

No, look, I was fine.

I only ever met with one creep when I was underage and I was like 17.

He was in his mid-twenties.

It probably was from that channel though.

Gamedance for sons.

Also, he could have just said he was 25.

He may have been 45.

I’m pretty sure he was bald.

And honestly, there’s not a lot of that experience I still remember.

I think I blocked it out.

It is also strange that anytime someone starts rubbing my shoulders, I start uncontrollably crying.

I don’t know if that’s connected, but I should look into that.

Weren’t you guys just telling me I needed therapy not too long ago?

All right, listen, let’s get back on track.

Another great thing about the 90s, aside from all of the sexual abuse that was going on the internet, were those televised 1-900 phone sex ads.

There we go.

I have righted this ship.

If you’ve listened to this podcast for any amount of time, you know I’m a big fan of these telephone services.

All of them.

They don’t even have to be the phone sex ones, but the phone sex ones are really good.

Now, they really came in two flavors.

The ones you would see on a cable network like USA, after 11 p.m.

And they’re all like, You know, they can’t be too explicit cause it’s still TV.

Now, the other great phone sex line ads would appear at the beginning of like pornos.

You know, you buy a dirty VHS and the first five or 10 minutes are just ads for phone sex lines.

And those are raunchy.

Like they just feature clips from other pornos with voiceovers that were equally as nasty.

You guys know what my favorite of all time is.

We’re the cocksuckers who can get your rocks off.

How about it, stud?

I would have loved to see an advertisement for that IRC channel Gay Dads for Sons.

Back then, in the early 90s, no one was really advertising Internet stuff yet.

It was still, you know, an unproven business.

The real money was made on those 1-900 phone sex lines, but still, a commercial for gay dads for sons would have been wild.

We’re the cocksuckers that are gonna kidnap your child, lock them in our sheds, and force them into a life of homosexual servitude.

How about it, buddy?

Leave your friends, your school, the safety of home, all to lose your virginity to a fat slob living in an RV.

Discreet and felonious, your wildest sex fantasies turned into a waking nightmare, where you learn sex can be stinky as well as painful.

Find out at an all-too-young age that old man balls can droop extremely low, and pubic hair is sometimes the first to go gray.

Gay Dads for Sons.

The chat room where young teen homosexuals learn that penises can actually hide inside of fat bloated belly rolls.

It’s the rather unappealing side of your particular lifestyle.

Lots of hard but important truths being found out over there at Gay Dads for Sons.

All right.

Again, somehow I’m back on the topic of Gay Dads for Sons, which has nothing to do with the new clip I have to share with you today.

Look, everything I have set up to this point was supposed to be leading up to this interesting phone sex ad I found, which is straight by the way.

It’s straight phone sex and has nothing to do with the internet.

I don’t know what the hell is going on today.

I’m way off topic.

So sorry.

Let me just play you this commercial.

It’s so unique, which is why I appreciate it so much.

They were really trying to do something a little different.

Yeah, alarm clocks are the worst.

She’s saying this as she’s like lying on her.

You know, it’s like a standard phone sex ad.

You know, the girl is in barely nothing lying on the bed, writhing around, talking about how much she hates alarm clocks.

It’s all perfectly normal.

Guys, alarm clocks are stupid.

I hate those numbers on them.

It’s like, what does this even mean?

When I see numbers, I think of math.

And I don’t want to do work just to tell what time it is.

There’s gotta be a better way.

Well, now there is.

Wouldn’t you rather have me or one of my beautiful sexy girlfriends wake you up every morning?

You’ll never be late for an appointment.

And I promise you’ll wake up with a smile.

Yes, it’s a phone sex wake up service, which I think is just brilliant, right?

First of all, you gotta call this 1900 number to set up your wake up call.

The ad says that costs $5.

Then when these broads call you in the morning to wake you up, they’re trying to keep you on the line as long as possible.

That’s also gonna cost you money on a per minute basis.

And think about it, you know, in the morning when you’re just waking up in bed, that’s like one of the horniest times of day for guys.

You literally wake up with morning wood.

So of course you’re gonna, you know, entertain the idea of phone sex.

So you’ll probably engage with the woman on the other end trying to seduce you.

I don’t know how successful this porny wake up service was, but if I was a big wig investor and this was presented to me like on Shark Tank or something, oh, you better believe I’d be all in.

I want 100% stake in this business.

Okay, well, that’s just a lie.

The only way people are waking up is by getting a phone call from a porn star.

No, a lot of people will stick with the traditional method.

I don’t even know if wake up call services exist anymore.

It seems like kind of an antiquated idea, right?

But well, back in the 90s, you could actually have the phone sex lines call you.

Seems like a winning idea, I don’t know.

That’s probably enough phone sex stuff for today, right?

We’ve got to move on.

Plenty of other clips to share with you, including Meade’s latest weigh-in video.

While I enjoy the many follies of Meade’s weight loss journey up to this point, I will give credit where credit is due.

This week, Meade has lost some weight, so I’m going to stop the baby elephant song out of respect.

You know, Meade has put in the work here.

That being said, I don’t think Meade realized this, but his video still ends up being unintentionally hilarious.

I just have to say, though, at the top of this, I wish Meade would give up this act where he keeps telling everyone that he only weighs himself once a week.

You know, if not daily, he’s weighing himself multiple times every day.

He decided to do a weigh-in on Tuesday instead of Wednesday.

My theory, of course, is he got on the scale, saw that he lost a pound or two, and captured this win.

So, anyway, folks, today I have a good feeling, a good feeling, so I decided to…

I give y’all a surprise.

Instead of weighing Wednesday, it’s weighing Tuesday.

Like, you can already tell.

He’s just so excited.

He’s like shot out of a cannon.

Lots of energy.

I mean, Meade knows he’s lost a couple pounds.

It’s so obvious, right?

He begins the video talking about all the new secrets and tips he’s using to lose weight.

By the way, folks, so I’m looking for non-inflammatory foods.

Again, like, when you’re 300 pounds, all you have to do is eat a little less.

Move.

You’ll lose weight.

Looking for anti-inflammatory foods, trying to balance your intake of all the vitamins and minerals, you don’t have to worry about that yet.

I think I need more riboflavin in my diet.

So berries are actually non-inflammatory foods.

Meade is discovering that eating fruits and vegetables is good for you.

I’ve been eating a lot of blueberries lately.

I mean, check out these amazing weight loss unlocks.

But on Sunday, I was going way overboard, so I was having a huge meal.

I was going on one day a meal.

On Sunday, I would have a huge meal.

Yeah, Sunday was his cheat day.

And so he would gorge.

And what Meade has learned is maybe don’t do that and you won’t pack on the pounds.

Actually, he’s still stuck on this water weight thing.

I’ve never heard anyone talk about water weight like Meade.

I’ve heard women talk about water weight a lot.

But never guys.

It’s infuriating because in one breath he’s like, yeah, on Sundays I was over eating.

But then he says his over eating on Sunday just caused water weight.

Like no, that caused fat weight.

And what I think a lot of it was is just adds to water weight.

I hope no one who is serious about fitness has subscribed to Meade Fit and Lean.

The only thing this channel provides is, you know, Meade Skelton Entertainment.

Because of all the carbs.

So when I weigh myself Wednesday.

Carbs equals water weight.

All right.

I’m just retaining all that water.

Let me just fast forward to the weigh-in.

Listen to this music he plays.

Of course, I mean, it’s just very Meade.

The scale ends at 278.8.

He is under 280 pounds.

No matter how you slice it, this is a win for Meade.

It really irked me.

You know, I hate to see Meade succeed.

No, I’m happy for Meade.

It’s funnier when he does gain weight, though.

That is, until I turned to the Discord, and they made me feel so much better, because they noticed something that I missed.

And I’ll provide a link on the show notes today to Meade’s video.

But when he stands on the scale, in the middle, there’s the readout, right?

And that part of the scale is very glossy and mildly reflective.

November Spawn summed it up best by posting a screenshot, and the caption, He’s all the way naked.

Torso replied, What even is that?

It’s just a chaotic mass of meat.

To be fair, I don’t really know what I’m looking at here, but it does look like meat is naked, which makes sense, of course.

He wants that scale to give a very low weight, so shed the clothing, it makes sense.

Another Discord user said, does he think squeezing his balls and soft dick reduces weight?

That must have been what he’s doing in that image.

I can’t see that, though.

I just see, I see, I don’t know what the dick would be.

I see skin.

We need to go through this frame by frame, like the Zapruder film.

His cock sways back into the left.

Back into the left.

Another comment.

Oh my God, the reflection.

Please God, nobody tell him.

Well, I mean, we’ve all saved the video by now, right?

He can take it down if he wants to.

But what he forgets is, we are all Meade Skelton archivists.

Now what’s funny about, well, there’s so much funny going on here, but Meade has to mention or comment on his weight here.

That’s a lot better.

I told you all water weight is real.

Yes, we know water weight is real.

It’s just you use it as an excuse a lot.

What’s funny about using it now as an excuse as well, is that it means you probably did nothing to lose this weight.

You know, it’d be one thing if Meade was like, yeah, I guess this is what going to the gym every day results in.

I’m eating better.

I’m working out and I lost a bunch of weight.

But no, he’s hung up on this water weight.

He’s like, yeah, see, water weight, which means you’re going to just stay at home at the gym.

It was totally useless.

You lost water.

You didn’t lose fat, which is the problem here.

I mean, I anticipate maybe next week, he’ll either stay around this weight, maybe lose another pound or two, and then it won’t be long before he’s back up.

Finally, any weight he lost may have been out of necessity.

What do I mean by that?

Well, Meade no longer has a car and just has to like walk everywhere.

This may be a huge blessing in disguise, although his car broke down in the most Meade way possible.

I’ve been doing a lot more walking, folks, because one of my cars broke down.

Unfortunately, my Kia Soul, you know, folks, I kind of got neglected a little bit, forgot to do those little oil checks, little oil thingy, my jiggies.

You take the little thing out and then you wipe it.

One part I did not play of this video earlier on is Meade talking about how manly he was.

Well, it makes me look more manly, right?

More manly.

You know what doesn’t make you look manly?

Referring to the oil dipstick as that oil thingy, my jiggies.

I neglected my car.

Who knew you had to check your oil?

I let my man do my oil changes for me.

I just take the car to the grocery store.

Like he’s such a…

I mean, I don’t even want to be that sexist because women know the car needs oil changes.

And if the oil light comes on your car, you need to do something about that.

Yeah, you got to check the thingy, my jiggies.

Oil checks, little oil thingy, my jiggies.

You take the little thing out and then you wipe it, put it back in and dip it in there, check the oil on the car.

Apparently you still have to do that.

And I thought when you take the car in for an oil change, they do all that for you, you know, like every three or four or five months or so.

But unfortunately, my little Kia couldn’t handle, you know, oh, don’t give up on me girl, but she did.

Well, there you go.

A little Meade Skelton weight loss update.

Congratulations, sir.

You lost, what, three or four pounds, even though it was just water weight.

All right, let’s move on now.

Recently on the podcast, I introduced you to Scott Rogers, who is a huge Power Ranger fanatic, but that was only part of the reason why I was interested in him.

Here is a new video from Scott.

And yes, what you thought you heard, you heard.

One more time for the people in the back.

What’s going on, everyone?

How’s it going today?

And again.

Three more days.

Seriously, what is up with Scott?

What is he eating?

Digestively speaking, what’s wrong with him?

I have to know.

I mean, there may be some learning disabilities involved.

He’s also, you know, toothless.

He’s, you know, he’s a hot mess, but I’m interested in the farting.

What’s going on, everyone?

How’s it going today?

Three more days till angels stop.

Three more days.

I have fluid in my lungs.

Dude could not catch a break.

By the way, it also sounded like there was some fluid in those farts.

It’s rather damp.

You’re going to catch some swamp ass there.

And why was that dog’s brother letting me take a shower?

I don’t know what he said there.

What I’m interested in most right now is he’s wearing a Cleveland Indian shirt.

Is this man in Ohio?

If so, I need to interact with him face to face and smell those juicy ass farts.

The next video I’m going to be making.

This is a special video.

Got to be honest with you.

I catch about 50% of what he says.

The rest is all just like grumbling and mumbling.

Here’s another short clip.

Like all of his videos start with him farting.

He does this on purpose, right?

I got to hear that again.

This is a double video.

One, anybody in Mobile who wants to sell their vehicle for like $500.

He needs a ride.

Something that’s in good condition.

Damn me.

And also, we’ll pack.

I think the clown posse is back.

The clown posse.

I mean, those are some words there.

Wolf pack clown posse.

I don’t know what that means in this context.

You won’t win.

Because the Rangers, Power Rangers and the War Pack will combine.

Collaboration there between Power Rangers and the Wolf Pack.

Thank you, Scott.

Speaking of farts, got to say thanks to Vlad.

No, Vlad is not the one who was ripping them.

But Vlad did share some very interesting information about one of our favorite U-Tards, Marshall Mathers IV.

You know, that incel we feature from time to time.

A long time ago, he would talk about his sexual fetishes.

He’s very into, I think, black girls.

But more importantly, he likes the idea of dirty asses, or at least farts, which is, you know, a bit unusual.

That being said, Marshall Mathers is still pretty close minded.

He hates a lot of people.

The YouTube channel Mortal Kombat Deadly Alliance has been tracking Marshall Mathers activity for years now.

They produce videos that really get under his skin.

And in one of his most recent clips, he assembled a bunch of text messages that Marshall Mathers had sent out and received talking to other fart enthusiasts.

And so I have those messages here.

I’m just going to tell you guys straight up, I fucking hate gays and transgenders.

Strong moral compass Marshall Mathers has.

Honestly, they’re the most unreasonable, insane, crazy, outrageous, just fucking ridiculous people on this fallen planet.

Marshall Mathers wrote to someone, Look at that hot Brazilian girl I found on Facebook on an Eminem fan page.

The recipient replied, I’d suck the poo out of her ass.

And Marshall Mathers says, same here.

I’d do the same, or at least definitely suck out her farts.

And to top it all off, I’m racist.

He really is the perfect man.

For the life of me, I can’t figure out why he’s single.

Marshall then sends the guy a video link to a woman ripping a fart.

And the other guy laughs.

Marshall says, that’s pretty sexy, right?

And the recipient says, you know, the other guy says, dude, there isn’t enough shit.

I want to see shit.

And Marshall Mathers is like, yeah, same here.

But every time I look up girls pooping, I never find any hot ones, which is a concern.

I kind of know what he’s talking about.

The other guy, like Marshall’s friend, is I think even more of a freak.

He’s telling Marshall this story.

I remember the first time I got hard when I heard my sister take a noisy shit in the toilet.

And Marshall replies, that’s hot.

The other guy is like, do you feel the same way?

And Marshall says, sometimes, sometimes I get hard to my sister.

Sometimes, but none of my sisters are really that hot or attractive, just some okay looking at most.

I jerk whenever one of my sisters would fart or burp simply because I’ve been extremely sex craved since I was 15.

I wanted to smell some girls’ farts, so closest thing I had to that was smelling my sisters.

And once I smelled her burp, but I’ve lived with so much regret, guilt, shame and humiliation because of it.

Good.

Yeah, wallow in that.

Really, just stay in that state.

Because I’m the only sex craved super kinky person in my family.

Now you think that would be the end of it, right?

Because you know, Marshall’s like, look, I feel a lot of regret and shame about, you know, getting hard to my sister’s burps or whatever.

But no, it just gets worse.

Marshall says, sometimes I sneak into my younger sister’s room and smell the shit stains left on her used underwear.

But yeah, trans people are the depraved ones.

They’re the gross pervs.

His friend says, oh, I completely understand.

Of course.

I felt so happy when my sister took a shit and there were stains left in the bowl.

Marshall says, wow, that is hot.

Marshall, do you have anything to say about that?

Gay people, lesbian people, bisexual people, transgenders, transsexuals, pansexuals are mentally ill.

I mean, for fuck’s sake.

Marshall goes on to say that he has sexual fantasies about his mother.

Mother, I sometimes fantasize about her jerking me off while I look at my sister taking her shit.

But it tortures me because my mom is the perfect woman, just like Mary Magdalene.

All right.

She never sucked dick or took dick up the ass.

That’s your mother.

That’s why I’ll always remain a virgin until the day I die, just like Jesus, because I will never find a woman like my mom who has never sucked dick or taken dick up the ass.

You think pedophiles are mentally ill, but you know what?

If you’re going to call people who are crazy mentally, then you motherfuckers should consider and call transgenders, transsexuals, pansexuals, gays and lesbians mentally ill as well.

Let’s just take a moment here and thank Mortal Kombat Deadly Alliance for his hard work making this video, the audio.

I’m going to provide a link on the show notes today.

You need to subscribe to his channel, doing the Lord’s work.

You can watch the rest of it over there, I guess.

Right now, though, I think we should get into the Crazy Bazaar Twist.

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That goes out to all of our higher tier patrons.

You can read all about that shit over there at patreon.com/distortedview.

And thank you so much to everyone who continues to support the show either through Patreon or if you’re a Sideshow member, you guys are the reason I’m able to continue doing this show.

The Sideshow really is how I make my living.

So thank you so much again, Sideshow freaks and patrons.

All right, three very quick stories now.

First, for once in recent memory, the Oscars actually didn’t suck in the ratings compared to the previous year’s telecast ratings were up 4 percent, which I guess is good.

People tuned in to see Oppenheimer win and Barbie, Ryan Gosling sang that song.

And of course, John Cena got nude.

It did not take long for conspiracy theories to start popping up about John Cena.

No, it has nothing to do about like steroid use or if he was really naked.

Like this is a real conspiracy theory.

Everyone has just lost their mind.

People seem to think that John Cena has sold his soul to the devil because, of course, why else would he be getting work in Hollywood?

I mean, you’ve seen and heard him act, right?

How does he keep getting parts?

The only explanation is a pact with Bilzebub.

During the Oscar ceremony on Sunday, the famed wrestler presented the award for best costume design while seemingly wearing nothing but an envelope over his dick and nuts, Alexis K.

Tyler with the assist.

Thank you.

Footage revealed like backstage footage actually shows that he wasn’t completely nude.

Of course not.

It’s live television.

And he was wearing flesh colored cock socks and booty hole covers.

Historically, award shows have been fertile grounds for conspiracy theories, really, with viewers concocting elaborate explanations for simple occurrences.

Previously, Sam Smith was targeted for what was dubbed a satanic performance at the Grammys, drawing criticism even from the Church of Satan for the baseless claims.

Beyoncé’s powerful vocal display in Dubai also fell prey to conspiracy theorists who absurdly attributed her talent to satanic influences.

Now John Cena is accused of partaking in a humiliation ritual at the Oscars.

Comments on social media suggested that this act was a calculated move to boost his career.

One tweet suggested, First, it was the dress.

Now this, watch his career take off to new heights now.

It’s what they have to do, you see.

They have to humiliate themselves.

And then the powers that be, or Satan, will shower him with new and exciting career opportunities.

Another speculated about Cena’s future success and increased fame, online debates ensued.

How can you even debate crazy like that, with some defending Cena’s actions?

One commenter argued that Cena’s performance was simply an extension of his comedic persona.

I mean, he was going out presenting an award for costume design.

And you know, it’s funny because he really wasn’t wearing a costume.

He was completely naked.

Another sarcastically remarked on the supposed humiliation of showcasing his physique.

Yeah, really, I mean, it would be humiliating if like a fat, flabby, out of shape, like me.

It would be humiliating if someone made me walk out on stage naked.

John Cena gets to show off how fucking ripped he is, so women can start oozing out of their pussy hole, squirting or whatever they do.

Others dismissed the conspiracy theories altogether.

Yeah, that’s like the sane route to go.

Praising Cena’s comedic talent and noting that his appearance was likely a promotional stunt for his new comedy film, Ricky Stanicki, which stars Zac Efron in Andrew Santino.

It’s available on Amazon Prime, should anyone want to watch that.

So that’s the intelligent discourse happening on the internet this past week.

Whole fucking thing is a cesspool.

I long for the days of early internet.

Everything was so much more sane and simple.

It was just a bunch of teenagers talking to old gay guys, trying to convince them to move in with them in the gay dads for son chat room.

You know, wholesome shit like that.

Alright, second story we have for you.

We got one from Georgia here, which is, you know, pretty close to our most fucked up state.

Some of Florida stink.

Wafts northward.

Certain times of the year, it’s worse, you know.

High pressure zones and currents and all that shit.

Anywho, two men from Georgia are facing charges for allegedly detonating a bomb at a woman’s residence.

And they were also planning to release a python.

They wanted the python to eat her daughter, as if setting off a bomb wasn’t bad enough.

Caleb Kinsey, 34, and Stephen Glosser, 37, are accused of conspiring to harm, intimidate, or kill the homeowner, as reported by WTOC.

The conflict began when Glosser and the victim, who met on a dating app, ended their relationship and blocked each other.

Oh, but this wasn’t the end of their relationship, apparently.

It’s just the start of a new chapter, a much darker, scarier chapter, especially for the woman.

Yeah, it just keeps getting worse.

According to authorities, the duo intended to launch various attacks on the victim, including shooting arrows at her front door, sending her dog feces and dead rats, scalping her, bombing her home, and unleashing the python on her daughter.

It’s so funny because the plot of this story sounds a lot like those fake TV movie introductions I’ve been doing on the podcast for the past few days.

Tonight, when the romance ends, the horror begins.

An obsession turns deadly with bomb detonations, snakes eating babies, scalping heads, dog feces, and dead rats.

It nearly pushed her to the brink of madness until she decided to fight back the only way she knew how.

Defensive pole dancing.

It’s the world television premiere of She Should Have Swiped Left.

Now that movie I would watch.

WTOC revealed that Glosser located the victim’s house, and together with Kinsey, constructed a bomb using tannerite, a brand of exploding firearm targets.

They then used this explosive to destroy the woman’s home.

Jesus Christ, they obliterated it.

A witness reported seeing a black SUV, identified as Kinsey’s vehicle, leaving the scene.

Following a search warrant executed on the homes and phones of Kinsey and Glosser, police discovered evidence of explosives and a journal belonging to Glosser.

Oh, I’m sure that just laid out all of his plans.

Like a fucking little 12-year-old girl.

Dear Journal, I’ve been so busy.

It’s been crazy over here.

I’m gonna blow up a bitch’s house today.

My plan also calls for a python.

The charges against the men include unlawful possession of an explosive, first degree arson, stalking, using an explosive to commit another felony, conspiracy to use an explosive to commit a felony, and possession of an unregistered destructive device.

Prosecutors noted that the conspiracy charge could result in up to 20 years in prison, while using an explosive to commit a felony could lead to a 10 year sentence.

Additionally, Kinsey is facing further weapons charges.

Yeah, I’d say the stink of Florida man has wafted up to Georgia rather nicely.

Yeah, it’s a real punch and odor.

All right, final story we have for you.

Oh, looky here, not to be outdone, Florida rears its ugly head.

Yes, our last story comes from our most fucked up state.

Say it with me.

Yes, today’s Florida man is Leighton Paul Newman, this 60 year old sound engineer from Florida set out to the beach on a recent Saturday afternoon with the hopes of arranging a sexual encounter.

I mean, it seems like that’s what he was trying to do.

You’ll see what I mean in a moment.

Newman had an unconventional approach to wooing the ladies, and that led to his apprehension at Blind Creek Beach.

To be fair, that is a nudist area in Jensen Beach, Florida.

A sheriff’s deputy responding to previous grievances about indecent conduct on the beach’s pathways encountered a nude Newman sitting in a reclining chair with a hat covering his face at approximately 1230 p.m.

The hat was really the only piece of clothing on the man.

An arrest affidavit provides a detailed description of the, quote, genital display noted by the officer.

I have that affidavit right here.

Let me just read you word for word what the police officer wrote.

I was walking down the main path that snakes through the north end of the park.

You’re about to see another snake.

I came upon a white male walking by and he pointed off to another subject seated in a reclining chair.

As I approached the subject, I saw him recline back in the chair completely nude with a tan hat over his face.

As I looked at the scenario, I saw the subject’s penis completely exposed.

The penis and its neighboring scrotum were stuffed into a metal ring commonly referred to as a cock ring.

Cock rings are rings that go around a penis and scrotum for the purpose of slowing blood flow out of an erection, and it can aid in making erections harder and last longer.

We’re learning so much today, aren’t we, freaks?

Additionally, each of the subject’s respective testicles were also stuffed into their own metallic ring.

The main ring was…

He’s really spending a lot of time on this cock ring thing.

Does it really matter?

I didn’t know they had to get that detailed in a probable cause affidavit.

Almost like a Sextastic Tuesday story we’re reading here.

The main ring was tethered to a metal chain that extended out between the subject’s legs to a stick.

That is peculiar.

That was shoved into the ground.

I thought it was going to be anus.

The end of the chain had a metal ring and was attached to the stick and suspended the chain in the air.

At the base of the stick was a cloth laid out and it had a handwritten note on it.

The note read, Hello, with an exclamation mark, very friendly and excited.

Hello, please feel free to investigate, gently.

And then he drew a cat’s face.

Now, although the beach, the actual beach, permits nudity, law enforcement noted that the pathways are often traversed by parents with children as well as other beachgoers.

Because of that, Newman’s, you know, setup he had there with the recliner and the cock rings and cat face pictures.

It was all very inappropriate for a public beach.

By the way, let me read a little more from the probable cause affidavit because there is one more really interesting portion.

The police officer says, I read Newman Miranda warning and he acknowledged understanding his rights.

During my questioning of Newman’s intentions, he acknowledged it was a bad decision.

What he did.

Newman said he was just hoping to meet somebody.

And go back to their house for a sexual encounter.

Or maybe just go home with someone’s phone number.

Also that little setup of his.

That he had like the cock ring with the chain on the stick with the cat face and the words, you know, gently written on it.

He wanted people to tug on that chain.

That was the goal there.

He just wanted them to do it gently.

They tug on the chain.

It would pull his dick and scrotal sack.

Unfortunately, there is no word on if there were any takers.

On that offer to gently tug before the police arrived.

All right, there you go.

That, my friends, is your distorted news for Thursday.

Let’s do a couple voicemails to get the hell out of here.

All right, guys, I love to hear from you.

And there are many ways to contact the show.

Show at distortedview.com.

I’m all over social media at Distorted View on Twitter and Instagram.

facebook.com/distortedviewshow.

You know all the ways to contact me.

Don’t forget, we’ve got that post office box now.

You can send letters, cards, dick-related items.

Been getting lots of dick-related items.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s all appreciated.

But you know, you don’t have to send me dick-related items.

All right, let’s check in with a few freaks.

We begin with a patron.

Haley’s calling up first with a statement supporting your current mental health practices.

And then a confession.

First, the statement in support of your mental health practices.

Now, I am saying this as someone who is actively in therapy, to the surprise of no one who knows me.

It’s because of your mother, right?

Probably a good call.

She fucked you up good.

I don’t think you need to be in constant therapy.

Boy, there’s a qualifier.

You don’t need to be in constant therapy.

You don’t need 24-hour care.

People like me who are likely to be in therapy on and off for their entire lives have got issues they’re dealing with.

People will go into therapy to deal with a trauma or the pain of a great loss.

You’re just, you know, a guy.

And the other thing about all of this…

You make me sound so boring.

Now I want to go to therapy just to seem interesting, you know?

Is this some sort of reverse psychology to get me to go to therapy?

Therapy is mostly about talking.

And what do you do for a living?

Oh, talk too much.

You, with almost no inhibitions, vent your frustrations on the podcast.

I’m always telling Lord Douche, like, Oh God, I don’t want to talk today.

I mean, it doesn’t seem like that much.

It’s like, oh, OK, you know, the show is, what, an hour long, not quite an hour long, and there are 24 hours in a day, but God damn, it takes it out of me.

I don’t want to say another word after I’m done with my show.

We are functionally…

If the microphone’s not in front of my face, I don’t want to speak.

You know, a therapist who just sits there nodding, going, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, without offering any useful feedback.

And if what you just need to do is talk, then that’s good enough.

Anyway, the confession.

I’m the one who sent the penis trophy to you.

Oh, Haley’s Comment.

Thank you so much for that.

I love it.

I’ve been inspired to do that by Meade grossing about somebody sending him a penis in the mail.

And he’d said enough about it that I was able to look up the company that it was probably shipped through.

Did Meade say specifically what type of penis it was?

And I’m not talking like cut or uncut.

I don’t care about the foreskin status on the penis.

But like this, what you sent me was a statue.

This company sends all sorts of dick related items.

What did Meade get in the mail?

I want to compare cocks with him.

Well, I have again.

Thank you so much.

Haley’s comment.

I love it.

It’s on display.

I think maybe in some of my recent videos, you could have seen it, because I’ve had it proudly up on one of the shelves there, and it will continue to stay up there forever.

Hey Tim, this is your longtime friend from Brazil.

I still don’t have enough money for a side show, because, you know, third world countries.

Yeah, real shit hole over there.

But listen, you were about, I actually called the show, you were about to talk about George Santos, and as a Brazilian, I just want to say, I don’t care what he does.

I don’t, we as a country don’t want him back.

We have enough shit already, so please just keep him, use him for the show, do whatever you want with George Santos, or should I say, Quitar a Revanche, which is his drag name, okay?

So thank you for everything, Tim.

We haven’t heard much from George Santos lately.

Where is he hiding?

If anyone was going to start a podcast, you think it would be him.

Well, thank you very much for the very nice comments.

A Brazilian listener checking in.

Love hearing from you foreigners, you illegals.

I guess you’re only illegals if you try to cross the border, but I don’t know.

Y’all are shifty if you’re not from America.

I’m giving you the side eye.

Yes, caller, go right ahead.

I think this is just a butt dial.

Sarah, I know it’s you.

You show up on the caller ID.

Shame on you, Sarah.

Hey, Jimmy Boo, how you doing?

It’s Corbin Guy.

Hey, long time listener, Corbin Guy.

Wishing you Merry Christmas early because I know it takes you a while to get around to the voicemails.

Still haven’t got to the Christmas voicemails yet, but we’re getting there.

Hey, a suggestion.

This call came in in November, by the way.

For reading the news.

Since you got sick over the Thanksgiving period and kind of lost your voice there, why not AI Tamir?

Yeah, do an AI Tamir.

That’s a funny idea.

I thought you were just going to say use like, train AI on my voice and just have AI Tim.

But it’s a much funnier idea to have Tamir read the news stories.

I think we could possibly not even mess around with AI.

We could get the real Tamir.

Sounds like the poor guy can’t rest anyway, right?

It’s not like he can just sit down and watch TV or sleep or whatever, because the AI is constantly making his leg twitch.

So what does he do all day?

He just makes these videos.

I could easily just hand him a script and say, Tamir, you read this.

You read it.

And if your leg starts twitching, that’s OK.

If you fuck up, that’s fine.

It’s kind of part of my brand messing up, right?

Maybe we can get Tamir to guest host an episode one of these days.

To read the news for you, because that would be so cruel and unusual.

That bitch!

Love you much.

Thank you for you.

Thank you for you and everything.

Love you.

All right.

Thank you very much.

Corbin Guy checking in.

All right.

That is all the time we have on this edition of the show.

I want you guys to email me.

Show at distortedview.com.

distortedview.com is our official website.

We have a voicemail line for you.

206-666-4463.

That’s 206-666.

Oh, God, is it over again?

With any magic ease, spread distortion, STD.

To all your friends about the show, don’t forget to give us a five star rating, a thumbs up, or like wherever you can rate and review podcasts.

If you’re Sideshow members, I will see you back tomorrow to end the week.

Otherwise, guys, have a great weekend.

The next time I’m doing a free show, of course, will be Tuesday.

Sign up for the Sideshow.

Otherwise, you know, I’ll see you back next week.

Hello, my name is Stephen Thrasher, and I set my Canon laptop computer into.

I just got it back.

Everything that I’ve written on it for the past two years is gone.

I was told that you guys were going, that I’d be called if you had to replace the hard drive.

I called Canon, they said the hard drive didn’t need to be replaced.

They just said the motherboard did need to be replaced.

And everything that I’ve been working on for the first two goddamn fucking years of my life is gone, you fucking assholes!

This has been another excellent podcast from the Scrod Media Group.

Learn more at Scrod.net

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