The Best Sex Scenes In The Bible

March 28, 202480 min read

Tim

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The Best Sex Scenes In The Bible

On Today’s Show:

00:00:00	Introduction
02:19:20	Tim Henson is Too Hot For Youtube (Banned Again)
08:54:22	The Inbred Family Is Back! Are They Scamming?
20:43:09	Trump Is Selling Bigly Bibles!
25:48:21	Tips From An Alpha Douche Dating Coach
32:15:11	Get Exclusive Episodes Of DV
33:52:12	Between A Tampon And A Hard Place
42:18:21	Man Finds Human Legs, Promptly Eats It
44:45:24	One School Has Locked Up Their Toilets
48:23:13	Youtube Video Ban Update!
49:03:23	Voicemails: 206-666-4463 / Ending

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Podcast: Download

AI Transcript:

Day of Freaks, it’s Thursday, March 28th, 2024.

Coming up on the program today, Donald Trump is selling as seen on TV Bibles or something.

Plus, scraping the walls of a woman’s cervix will drive her wild.

And how the conflict in the Middle East has led to the ultimate tragedy.

One woman in Tennessee couldn’t change her tampon.

I met him in person, and I looked in his eyes.

You need to look in these men’s eyes, ladies, to see who and what you damn see, because you might see some shit you don’t want to fuck with.

Or you might see some shit that you know, when they put their dick in your pussy, this shit is going to be…

It’s going to be a flat line.

The dick might be good, but…

It’s going to be a flat line in my mind.

Fly, you can’t give me no head if you can’t bust this with money.

You can’t acknowledge this here.

He sent me a picture of his dick.

I don’t know why these young men, these young boys like to send me dick pics, but he sent me a picture of his dick.

It was nice and fat and long and wet because he had jacked it all, so it would come, coming out his dick.

I looked at the picture.

I said, you got a nice dick.

You got a pretty dick.

You should be happy.

But I don’t walk in my nut because it did not excite me.

He’s like, what you talking about?

You don’t want none of this.

I know how to fuck real good, I said.

You ignorant, you retarded, and you slow.

With a big, hard, hot, wet dick that’s ready to go, you is slow.

It’s the Distorted View Show with Tim Henson.

At least I’m not going to die because I’m a careless fairy.

I’m going to lose my mind today.

The guy is in the dirty underwear or something.

I don’t know.

I am so annoyed.

Once again, the Internet has failed me.

Look, all I’m trying to do is entertain the nice people, provide a few chuckles, some guffaws, and every step of the way, my noble efforts are warranted.

I can’t do shit anymore.

I hate the Internet.

I hate this world.

Kill me.

Someone shoot me in the head.

Put me out of my misery, please.

Disclaimer, if you or someone you know is struggling with mental illness, no, you’re not alone.

Help is available.

Call the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988, available 24 hours a day.

Life is precious.

Don’t do some boneheaded shit.

But, you know, if I can’t stop you, make sure I’m at least in your will.

Also, it would be great if you sign up for a Lifetime Sideshow Membership.

I’d really like it if the last act you committed on this plane benefited me monetarily.

Thank you.

Now, back to me having a bitch fit.

You know, recently on the show, we were talking about some fake mental illnesses and identities, and I thought it would be fun to expand on that segment in the form of a video.

Oh yeah, YouTube is the one fucking me over once again.

It’s a horrible, worthless service.

Everyone, I command you to stop going there.

Don’t watch any videos online anymore.

It’s the only place you can go.

And it’s an absolute shit show.

I mean, you can pretty much guess what happened.

I put all sorts of effort into a nicely produced video.

Twelve hours later, boom, been taken down.

You want to know why?

You want to know what their problem is with the video?

They let me know.

They actually time stamped the exact moment where they’re like, nope, this is not going to fly.

Not on our watch.

First of all, my video was banned due to hate speech.

I don’t even know how that’s possible.

I’m a minority.

I get a free pass.

That’s how it’s supposed to be.

It’s one of the great things about being a minority.

Can’t get in trouble for anything.

Second of all, I don’t pick out any particular group to hate.

I hate everyone.

Everyone drives me crazy.

Third, and most importantly, in this video, the disorders and identities that I’m calling out don’t exist.

They are fake.

They aren’t a protected class because it’s not real.

It’s fucking fantasy world.

Yeah, the policy cited here is hate speech.

It says content that incites hatred against individuals or groups based on their protected group status.

That’s not allowed on YouTube.

This may include dehumanization, using slurs and stereotypes, and conspiracy theories, none of which I used.

What crossed the line, apparently, was at the 3 minute and 2 second mark in the video.

So bear with me.

I just want to play a few seconds of the video from that exact time.

You tell me if any rules were broken, or if I was being a big meanie.

Whatever trans brain tumors are.

It’s like, if you want to have a brain tumor really bad, but you just don’t have one, then you suffer from trans brain tumor.

Trans brain tumor is where you desire to have brain tumors.

It’s the same shit we talked about on the show.

I’m not even saying anything derogatory.

I’m explaining what it is while displaying the trans brain tumor.

Trans tumor pride flag.

Multiple brain tumors, when one is just not enough.

There’s no such thing as trans brain tumors.

This is what I got my content strike for.

That’s like me getting arrested because I used my pixie wings to fly up in the sky and sprinkle razzle dazzle dust on the unsuspecting people.

They were pissed off at me.

Except, um, there’s no such thing as razzle dazzle dust.

And I don’t have pixie wings, and I can’t fly.

None of it is real.

So you can’t put me behind bars for it, you stupid twats.

I obviously appealed this strike.

As of the recording of the show, YouTube has not responded to me.

Now, last time, this happens quite often, last time content was taken down, it was over on the YouTube podcast channel, basically where I post audio versions of DV.

That shit gets taken down all the time.

And so I appealed that decision, and I turned to Twitter, and the YouTube account over there helped me.

They were like, all right, let me know what’s going on, we’ll look into this.

And I was like, wow, they’re very responsive.

And all of those content strikes got removed, and the content was put back up on the service, which was very nice.

Today, though, radio silence.

I have not yet heard back from the YouTube people on Twitter.

Honestly, I don’t expect to.

You know, it’s it annoys me because, you know, I bitched about it on Twitter, and people started messaging me, and they’re like, hey, you got to go on to like Rumble.

And I’ve heard that before, and I hate the idea that the only place DV can survive is next to fucking Alex Jones and a bunch of white supremacist content.

Like, that’s not where DV lies.

We’re not like those people.

I’ve got some fucking sense in my head, right?

I’m not a complete dirt bag.

But everyone is just so sensitive.

It’s like, yeah, I guess I do have to align myself with Neo-Nazis.

It’s the only place that will welcome me with open arms.

And this is how Tim Henson became radicalized.

Don’t get me started on the Jews.

I don’t know.

So I don’t know what to do.

Some people said, just post on Twitter, I guess I’ll pay for a premium membership or whatever and upload videos over there.

They are trying to make a big push into video content.

Like Twitter is releasing an app for smart TVs and stuff.

So you can watch Twitter videos on your television.

So I don’t know.

Once again, I put energy into these videos that ultimately just don’t go anywhere.

So it doesn’t matter.

But it’s just a fun thing for me.

And for some of you guys to watch.

But it ain’t fucking worth it.

Big colossal headache.

I do have some great content for you today.

Someone else who’s been dealing with a lot of online drama is the YouTube channel Soft White Underbelly.

That’s the channel that introduced us all to the Inbred family.

Now, when we last left off, another YouTuber, some shitbag, insinuated that the GoFundMe account that Soft White Underbelly set up to help the Inbred family was maybe possibly, probably a scam, and none of the money was going to the Inbreds.

Now, Soft White Underbelly, of course, replied to that video, he had the receipts.

The idea for the GoFundMe was to buy the Whitakers, the Inbred family, a new house because, you know, they’re living in a complete shithole.

The thing is, though, the Whitakers keep calling the guy who runs Soft White Underbelly to ask for money.

We need a new car.

You know, Timmy needs clothes.

We need groceries.

You know, we need some money to get us through the winter.

Basically, all the money that has been raised through the GoFundMe has gone to the Whitakers, but because they keep asking for necessities, there’s just not enough money to buy a house.

All that GoFundMe money is gone.

In the shitbag YouTuber’s video, who was like trying to expose Soft White Underbelly, he gets a hold of one of the Whitakers and is like, hey, what happened to all that money that’s being raised for your house?

And she was like, money?

I don’t know anything about no money.

There’s no money for a house.

That really hurt the guy who runs Soft White Underbelly’s feelings.

He’s like, I help these people out so much, and they’re acting like I don’t give them anything.

I give them all the money.

And so he wants to wash his hands of the Inbred family.

I don’t want to film them anymore.

I don’t want to raise any money.

I’m shutting down these GoFundMe pages.

They’re on their own.

The Inbreds can Inbreed in peace.

So that happened about a month ago, I think.

So naturally, I was surprised when I saw a new video posted on the Soft White Underbelly YouTube channel titled The Death of Larry Whitaker.

Still, I thought, oh, this is probably just a unique case where he doesn’t really want to cover the Whitakers anymore, but one of them has died, which is very sad.

So he’s just going to let his viewers know about this unfortunate turn of events.

But this video is so much more.

The drama continues.

The video begins with a voicemail from a woman regarding the death of her father, Larry Whitaker.

Mark, I’m sorry.

I don’t know anything about this.

If you could just help me this one time.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

I’m just asking you, can you send me $150?

I promise I’ll try to get everything to arrangements for my dad.

I never thought today would be the day I would lose my dad.

Very sad.

Now, I don’t know if Larry Whitaker was a product of inbreeding, but the dude doesn’t have the strongest genetics.

Let’s just say that.

So the fact that he lasted this long is a miracle.

But still, it’s very sad.

Larry Whitaker passed away.

This woman, she’s poor.

She doesn’t have anything.

So of course, she’s going to call the one guy who always gives money and try to get a little cash for the funeral.

Let’s see how Mark responds to that.

I received the message you just heard from Larry’s daughter BJ about a week ago.

BJ has been asking me for money to help pay for her father’s funeral obituary.

And yesterday she texted me to ask for money for clothes for Betty, Lorraine, Ray and Timmy.

Yeah, that $150 request that you heard on the voicemail, that’s just scratching the surface of what she actually wanted.

There’s a bunch of text messages that’s being displayed on the screen.

These are all from BJ asking for money, including I was going to see if you could help out with money so I can go get them something to wear at the funeral.

I understand you helped me pay $800, but if you can do this for me, I’d appreciate it.

I guess she needed $800 for the funeral.

Now she needs money for the clothing.

Hey Mark, is there any way you can send me $250 so I can get Betty, Timmy, Lorraine and Ray something nice to wear?

The funeral will be Facebook Live starting at 3 p.m.

of my dad’s service.

Please message me and let me know.

Oh, and I was going to see if you could send me $300 to help my sisters pay for the dinner.

We’re also going to be doing everything live so you can see it.

So I thought I’d fly out to West Virginia to go to Larry’s funeral, which is today.

No one knows we’re coming.

And I spoke to Betty about Larry’s death and she confirmed what BJ had told me.

Mark, you little stinker, you.

No one expected Mark to fly out to physically attend the funeral.

Now, Mark’s suspicion, of course, is that there is no funeral, right?

That’s got to be his angle here.

That Larry had passed away.

So Betty confirmed it.

Something still seems off and I’m going to surprise everyone and see what I can find out.

This is the type of vindictive content I love.

Let’s catch these inbreds in the act of lying.

We all thought that they were just sweet, innocent dullards.

They’re definitely smarter than we gave them credit for.

Now, let’s not jump to conclusions here.

Let’s just see how this all plays out.

Maybe there is a funeral today.

I just get so giddy when people are about to be exposed.

Well, lo and behold, Mark rolls up to the house, and there’s like people outside, just chilling.

What are you doing?

I know, I moved fast.

There’s Betty.

That’s a beautiful hello.

So I’m here to go to Larry’s funeral.

Larry’s funeral is today.

Not only is there not a funeral, Larry’s alive!

Dun, dun, dun!

Betty, do you have anything to say for yourself?

I love that Betty now has like a Billy Goat beard going on.

It’s today at 3 o’clock.

Betty, you just confirmed it on the phone 24 hours ago, you stupid bitch.

Well, that’s your…

That’s BJ for you.

What do you want the money for?

What’s that?

I said, you know what she wants the money for?

I know what she wants the money for, but when she was telling me this, I’m across the country.

I don’t know what’s going on.

I feel bad that Larry passed away.

And here’s a daughter crying hysterically over losing her dad, so I felt bad, so I sent her some money to help with the funeral.

I don’t know.

I don’t have time to fly across the country every time somebody makes a claim, so I trusted her.

And I was trying to call you, but you never answered the phone, and I finally told her, look, I’m not going to do anything until I talk to Betty.

I’m not going to even talk to you.

I’m not going to give you anything.

I’m not going to send anything until I talk to Betty.

So then she put you on the phone.

You remember that part, Betty?

And I asked you about Larry dying, and you go, yeah, he’s dead.

Yeah, but come on, you know…

Yeah, she kind of plays dumb here, which is easy, you know, inbred.

Then Mark was like, well, why didn’t you call me afterwards and say you were forced to tell me that?

I don’t have your phone number!

This is the same person that is like always hitting Mark up for money.

You have his contact information.

Don’t play me like that, Betty.

Then it’s just like a lot of quacking sounds coming out of her mouth.

Just like saying nothing.

Shortly after, in the video, guess who comes rolling up in a very nice truck, by the way.

Very shiny and red.

From Beyond the Brave, I present to you Larry Whittaker.

That’s how you’re going to dress for your funeral?

What?

Come again?

It’s like their standard mode of operation is just utter confusion.

They’re just, they’re always befuddled.

I don’t know if it’s an act or what.

That’s how you’re going to dress for your funeral?

I don’t know.

The fact that he’s like, I don’t know nothing about funerals, tells me he like does.

That’s a weird thing to say, right?

Oh, there’s BJ.

By the way, BJ and Larry live together.

So the daughter and father live in a trailer across the street from the Whittaker’s house.

And when I say street, I mean like dirt road.

BJ runs into the trailer, hides.

Timmy’s like the sweetest one and the most messed up, right?

I mean, Ray is kind of messed up too.

He’s the one that barks.

But Timmy’s just sweet, you know.

He apparently went to town with BJ and Larry.

Oh, and there’s Ray.

Ray knows.

Ray knows what’s going on.

Speak of the devil.

Ray’s the only one.

Eventually, BJ comes out and speaks.

Look, she’s a drug addict, basically.

So, you know, they do and say anything to get money for drugs.

My girl here did what she had to do, pretend kill her dad.

You’re telling me there’s a funeral today at 3 o’clock?

I’m not proud of what I did.

Well, Mark did travel all this way.

He was promised a funeral, so I think the only way to fix this is one of you in reds is going to have to die.

Sorry, we’re going to have a funeral today, one way or another.

Come hell or high water, one of you is ending up in a casket.

Yeah, but I understand that drug addiction has such a power over you that you can’t really…

You can’t control what you do.

No, I can’t.

But it’s not right, just because Betty and this family came into some luck with me, that doesn’t mean you should take advantage of them.

BJ says she understands, but then promptly throws her whole family under the bus.

I’m not the only one who gets Betty’s money, and Betty needs to say that.

Yeah, Betty’s handing out money left and right.

Who else is getting the money?

Yeah, the rest of the video is rather uninteresting to me.

Mark does say, you know, he’s going to continue giving money to the Whitakers, but not until BJ’s out of the picture.

Either she gets help, gets clean, or moves away.

She’s planning to move to North Carolina, I guess.

Mark just wants to make sure all that money’s not going straight in her arm.

So there’s a little inbred family update for you.

Moving right along now, our favorite pitchman is back.

You know him, you love him.

He ran the country for a few years.

Yes, Donald Trump has returned, and he’s brought some new crap with him to sell.

I’m proud to be partnering with my very good friend Lee Greenwood.

Who doesn’t love his song, God Bless the USA?

Never heard of it.

In connection with promoting the God Bless the USA Bible.

Look, I don’t know who the money people are behind this particular project.

You know Donald Trump is not paying for these things to be manufactured.

To me, it sounds like a horrible business.

Talk about over saturation.

Pretty much everyone who wants a Bible already has one, and it’s not like there’s a copyright on this.

So anyone is just like free to make Bibles, which means they’re rather inexpensive.

It’s going to be hard to sell a Bible at a premium price.

Now, I guess that’s where Trump comes in.

Having Trump associated with the Bible gives it a certain cachet.

When I think righteous, holy man, the first name that comes to mind is Donald Trump.

So I can see, you know, getting him as the spokesperson.

Now, this Bible does have some unique features.

We’re promoting the God Bless the USA Bible.

This Bible is the King James Version, and also includes our founding father documents.

Yes, the Constitution.

Which I’m fighting for every single day, very hard.

What a fun read.

To keep Americans protected also, the…

Hold it, Don!

You’re telling me if I order right now, not only will I get the King James Bible and the Constitution, there’s more to this offer?

Hot damn!

The Bill of Rights, the Declaration of Independence, and the Pledge of Allegiance.

Absolutely free!

Just pay for separate process and handling.

My Bible has so many uses, Tim.

Like what, Donald?

It comforts, it soothes, it restores faith.

That’s three uses in one Bible!

But we’re not done yet.

You mean to tell me there’s more?

It absolves you of sin.

It bakes, it broils.

I’d call that multi-use.

You can even cook a half a rack of ribs using the Trump Co-Patriot Bible.

Never has one man done so much with the Holy Bible.

I probably know the most about the Bible.

It’s a big book.

A lot of very nice, beautiful, big words.

It’s got that baby in it.

It sure does.

And the star in sky.

Yep.

And the cross in Judas, you know.

Uh-huh.

That was a bad guy.

Not very good.

But you also had the wise men.

They’re my guys.

They brought Jesus all of the gifts.

Personally, I’m not a big Frankincense fan, but that’s okay.

One of them brought Jesus gold.

I like that.

He’s my kind of guy.

The wise gold man.

I like him.

Don’t wait!

Order the Trumpco food-dehydrating Bible now!

By the way, Trump’s advertisement for this Bible clocks in at three minutes.

Religion and Christianity are the biggest things missing from this country, and I truly believe that we need to bring them back, and we have to bring them back fast.

I think it’s one of the biggest problems we have.

That’s why our country is going haywire.

We’ve lost religion in our country.

All Americans need a Bible in their home, and I have many.

It’s my favorite book.

It’s a lot of people’s favorite book.

It’s your favorite book.

All right, name five books in the Bible.

Got to start at Genesis.

It’s the first one.

Also a great band.

Phil Collins played golf at Trump International many years ago.

That guy has a hell of a backswing.

Very strong.

Okay, that’s one book in the Bible.

How about another one?

I’m going to go with Esophagal.

No, Esophagal is not a book in the Bible.

I’m pretty sure it is.

No.

Wrong.

No, you’re wrong.

You’re wrong.

Wrong.

Actually, hold on.

The more I’m sitting here with aesophagal, the more I’m starting to think, yeah, it does kind of sound like a book in the Bible.

You might be right.

I don’t know.

Okay, what are your other favorites?

In no particular order.

Fallasians, Rheumatoid, Kardashian, Ozempic, Probiotics, and the best book of them all, Trumpesians.

Trumpesians, you say.

That one has a lot of the best sex stuff in all of the Bible.

Very hot.

Bible sex.

He is kind of getting me interested in reading the Bible.

Who knew Trump would be such a great spokesman for the holy book?

This Bible is a reminder that the biggest thing we have to bring back America and to make America great again is our religion.

I mean, I don’t know how much of this you want to hear.

I’ve probably played too much, but you know what happens when Trump gets off and running.

We must defend God in the public square and not allow the media or the left-wing groups to silence, censor, or discriminate against us.

We all know Christians are the most persecuted group in America.

They must be protected at all costs.

So thank you for doing your part, America’s newest Bible salesman, Donald Trump.

Real quick, before we get into the news today, I am going to help you guys out.

While I myself am not well-versed in the dating rituals of the heterosexual, I understand it’s tough out there for you straight guys.

And you know, I feel like I’m your bro.

I’m your bro who continually tries to get you to pull down your pants, whip out your hummus shooter, and let me just touch it.

Yes, I’m one of those creepy gays.

But still, I’m your bro.

So I’m going to try to help you understand and ultimately succeed with nabbing yourself a woman.

Since I don’t know what the hell is going on with ladies.

I did some research and I found the perfect dating coach for listeners of this podcast.

His name is Alpha Dom.

He’s got plenty of tips.

He’s confident.

And best of all, he’s got like a slight speech impediment.

Anytime I search out an expert, that’s like at the top of my list of things I need, right?

Someone that talks funny.

Here he is speaking about his fingernails.

Let’s talk about my nails.

My nails.

Yes.

Tell me about them.

They’re long.

They’re super sharp.

You could do some real damage with those things.

All right.

I’m a professional dating coach, and I teach guys how to understand the female mind.

Here’s the thing.

If you think this thing you learned in high school…

He’s basically simulating finger and pussy.

Or that is the best way to get a girl to…

To an O?

Jesus Christ.

I can drag my fingers down a girl’s back and cause one.

If you don’t know what a T-O is, you can’t go into the studio to know them.

T-O and A-O, skin-O.

I’m guessing that’s orgasm, right?

Skin orgasm, A-O is ass orgasm, anal orgasm, and T must be a titty orgasm.

Especially a mental O.

If you’ve never had given a girl a mental O, gotta tell you, you’re a kiddie league.

Step into the arena with the pros, and you have no idea what you’re doing.

Okay?

Sorry.

A little tip.

Put a glove on with a long nail and rake.

This is your big tip?

Grow your fingernails out and claw at a woman’s innards.

That’ll get them screaming real good.

Also, the type of glove you wear, I think, is important.

All I have around the house is gardening gloves.

I don’t think that’s what he’s talking about.

What other tips do you have for us, sir?

You do not have to accept her rejection.

Instead, you can commit a felony.

It’s another way to go about this all.

What the hell is this guy talking about?

I’m a professional dating coach, and I teach guys how to understand the female mind.

Now, if you’re one of the people that haven’t applied anything in my course or my videos or anything like that, this video is not for you.

This is an advanced concept.

Stalking and kidnapping should only be attempted by my advanced students.

This is an advanced technique.

This is for the people that have the course, have my videos, fucking are…

Paid you $1,000.

You got his stamp of approval to commit some essay.

Applying it, seeing results, and eventually I’m going to put this in the course.

I just don’t have the time right now, so I’m releasing it now.

You don’t have to accept her rejection.

Now, here’s an example.

When she says no to you, stick your long fingernail up her twat and scrape.

Eventually, she’ll beg for Murthy or Path Out.

Either way, you can get what you want.

Like, all of his tips just involved scratching her genitals.

I was talking to a girl, and she said, oh, you know, I’m not really interested.

And I, instead of just going, okay, and then just turning away, I did this.

Why would you not be interested in me?

I’m the best.

So now, I find him unattractive, he’s not my type, and he’s delusional.

I don’t see how this can help your chances, but okay.

Just absolutely the best.

And she’s like, oh, how?

I’m like, well, you’d have to come over in my house to find out, and you’d also have to be okay with kink, and you’d also have to be okay with my mastery of the ropes, and the fact that I have multiple women.

This is satire.

I have to believe this is not a real dating coach.

What woman is this technique working on?

Actually, maybe, maybe not.

Maybe you wouldn’t be the best for me.

And now, I did turn around at the end, but I could have left that part out and still got her to start bantering back and forth.

And she did.

She started going back and forth with me, and I started building attraction in that because now I had sidestepped her fucking rejection.

Granted, keep in mind, I didn’t force it.

I didn’t say, no, no, you’re no.

I just played into her little fucking game.

What game is that?

All she said was she wasn’t interested in you.

Impossible.

She’s playing mind games with me.

Oh, she’s interested.

And if she isn’t, she will be once I show her my pussy scraping technique.

In another video, he announces how many women he’s been with.

Of the over 100,000 women that I’ve had interactions with.

Okay, well, he makes it sound like those are all the women he had sex with.

I have a feeling those interactions include cashiers at Speedway, people driving on the same highway as him on his morning commute to work.

There’s no way he had sex with 100,000 women or interactions, I guess.

Women strongly react, both emotionally and sexually, to masculine men.

The more dominant, assertive, and aggressive I’ve been, the more wet they get.

However, I’m not saying you can club her in the head, and fucking bring her back to your cave to do things unconsensually.

I’m saying there’s still boundaries.

Scraping pussy walls is one thing.

Beating them over the head is completely different.

It’s a big no-no.

The assertive aggressive male that’s dominant wins.

There is no argument.

We win.

You’re including yourself in that masculine man thing, huh?

Let’s talk about my nails.

Well, there you go, Alpha Dom, the dating coach.

He’s saying, guys, man the fuck up.

Number one tip, getting yourself a lady.

And with that, let’s get into the crazy bizarre twist.

To my fucked up news right now.

Hey, if you’re enjoying Distorted View Daily, please consider signing up for the sideshow.

When you become a member, you will gain access to all of the exclusive shows we’re doing throughout the week.

I do two free episodes for everybody, and the rest of the week, I’m doing sideshow exclusive podcasts.

We’ve already done two this week on Monday and yesterday.

That means I’ll be ending the week tomorrow with another sideshow exclusive episode.

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For an even easier way to sign up, if you happen to use Spotify to listen to DV or Apple Podcasts, you can sign up right inside of those apps.

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One final way to help support us, we do have a Patreon account, patreon.com/distortedview.

You can pledge as little as a dollar over there.

Every little bit helps.

If you pledge at least $5, you get access to a special voicemail line, where I will play your calls first.

And yes, we’ve got some patrons calling in today.

We’ll get into that in just a few minutes.

But first, the news, first story I have for you.

Well, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict rages on.

Here in the United States, there are protests across college campuses.

I’ve got a story from Vanderbilt University over there, I believe in Tennessee, right?

During a sit-in at Vanderbilt University in support of the Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions Movement.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I didn’t know what I was talking about either.

I looked it up, though.

BDS, the Boycott, Divestment, and Sanctions Movement, works to end international support for Israel’s oppression of Palestinians and pressure Israel to comply with international law.

So they had a sit-in at Vanderbilt because apparently Vanderbilt controls Israel or has a lot of influence or something.

You know how college kids are.

They like to protest.

The sit-in followed a wave of student arrests at Kirkland Hall protesting Israel’s actions in Gaza.

Do these kids have nothing better to do?

I mean, I get it.

You want to do something.

You want to feel like you’re doing something.

But having a sit-in at Kirkland Hall, what the hell is that going to accomplish?

The protest was fueled by a petition from the Vanderbilt Divest Coalition urging the university to reject funds from companies linked to Israel’s Gaza War.

Some reports state that the students were actually sitting in the chancellor’s office, refusing to leave.

Vanderbilt University responded to the breach of its administration building, stating that students had assaulted a community service officer and pushed staff.

I actually have some audio here of the boycott.

And don’t worry, we’re going to get to the DV newsworthy aspect here in just a moment.

I’m setting everything up.

Kids are screaming.

Fuck you, pigs!

You’re protecting a terrible man.

I hope you know that.

You’re protecting a terrible man.

They’re yelling at a black security guard.

Apparently, they wanted the security guard to join in the protest, and the security guard was like, no, I’m on duty.

I’m just making sure y’all don’t get out of hand.

And so now he’s the bad guy.

30,000 people are being killed, sir.

Guys are like, holy fuck, this is my 9-to-5 job.

This is what I do to feed my family.

Show your compassion!

Show your morality!

Is a job worth it, sir?

Is a job worth it?

Okay, so these kids, I mean, they are just so fucking dramatic.

One day it will be us!

It’s like, come on, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is a very unique war, you know?

We’re already dealing with this!

32,000 dead, and you don’t care.

You can stand with us right now and be on the right side of history.

Shame on you, shame on you!

I have to say, the black securit-

I keep saying black security officer, because that’s how it’s labeled in the title of this video.

The security officer isn’t doing anything.

He’s not making them leave, he’s not getting ready to blow tear gas in their face.

He’s just standing there, making sure no one gets out of line.

And you’re not standing with the marginalized people of the world.

I mean, you know how it is with these college kids.

Now for where the Distorted View story comes in here.

The pro-Palestinian protesters dialed 911 at one point due to concerns for a participant’s tampon.

This news story is getting a little more Distorted View-y.

Best of all, I also have audio of that altercation.

I mean, it starts off great, right?

Someone just screaming, toxic shock, toxic shock.

The issue is the girl is afraid that if she gets up, because you know, it is a sit-in.

It’s also apparently a squirt-in.

She’s dribbling, dribbling blood.

All right, so she’s afraid if she gets up and walks away, she’s going to get arrested because she’s, you know, she’s someplace she shouldn’t be right now.

But she really does have to change her tampon.

She is in a real pickle.

Toxic shock.

Yeah, there is currently a female student who’s being denied the right to change her tampon that has been in for multiple hours, which leads to an increased risk of toxic shock syndrome.

This is a call to 911, by the way.

I’m guessing this girl who wanted to change her tampon was given the option, either leave, get the fuck out, and you can change your tampon.

But you can’t change your tampon here in this building where you’re not supposed to be.

Sorry.

And of course, these people are freaking out.

You have toxic shock syndrome.

So while you’re saying…

Alright, so then you should understand…

What you are not…

In this woman’s underwear…

Hearing.

What you’re not hearing is that if she’s…

If you thought the Gaza Strip was bloody.

Sorry.

It’s awful.

To use the restroom to change her tampon, they are threatening arrest.

So it is not an option for her.

Yes, ma’am, I do.

That is an emergency.

No, this is bullshit.

This is crybaby kindergarten time bullshit.

Yeah, I don’t remember the time that I needed to have an emergency personally to call 911 for help.

They just want to fight with everyone.

I’m sorry, what?

I don’t remember a time when it has to be a personal emergency for me to call 911 for help.

I am requesting assistance, medical urgent assistance.

What I’m telling you.

Okay, so you’re telling me your friend in Kirkland needs an ambulance.

She needs…

Is that what you’re telling me?

No, because the ambulance will take her away, and she needs to be here at this sit-in.

She just needs to swap out tampons.

What don’t you understand?

Yes, videos on X, previously known as Twitter, depicted protestors discussing their friend’s need to change her tampon with university police officers.

The situation escalated with fears of toxic shock syndrome and potential arrest.

According to the school, quote, some students physically assaulted a community service officer to gain entrance and proceeded to push staff members who offered to meet with them.

Student Affairs staff took a graduated approach to de-escalate the situation.

That probably didn’t work.

First, they asked students to leave, as if, right?

After the students refused to leave, staff made them aware their actions violated university policy, and they would be subject to disciplinary action.

After several hours, the university began issuing interim suspensions.

I noticed they didn’t have any comments about the tampon sitch.

But hey, I mean, look, these students need to learn.

Protesting is not easy.

There’s sacrificing involved.

That means going a few hours without changing tampons or changing tampons in front of a bunch of people.

Think about it, you’re doing this all for Palestine.

If one stupid girl has to succumb to toxic shock syndrome in order to save all of the Gaza Strip, I say it’s worth it.

Bring on the infection or coma or death or whatever toxic shock syndrome causes.

I wish I knew the dangers of toxic shock syndrome.

If only there was a catchy song about it.

This is the second day in a row, by the way, that we played Toxic Shock Syndrome.

Yesterday, we read a new story about Anal Toxic Shock Syndrome.

Yeah, it’s a thing.

One more reason to sign up and become a sideshow member.

Learn about what awful disease is eating assholes.

All right, second story we have for you.

This one comes from California.

Jesus Christ, another perfect story for this podcast.

In Kern County, California, a man named Resendo Tellez 27 has been arrested for allegedly removing a human leg from a site other than a cemetery.

Where are human legs just hanging out, detached from their host bodies, cemeteries and maybe crematoriums?

That’s pretty much it, I guess, where they should be found.

All right.

Well, anyway, he went to this place, this odd business where there’s just like human legs hanging in the window.

Yeah, he stole one and then engaged in a disturbing act.

That act was he ate the leg.

Lots of fanfare on today’s show.

The incident occurred at the scene of a fatal train collision.

Is that where the leg was found?

Like someone got hit by a train, their leg flew off of their body, and this guy like found it and was like, meat delicious.

I was just trying to get hungry too.

Yes, the scene of a fatal train collision is where the leg was found, where one unidentified individual lost their life and be forced their leg.

It remains uncertain whether the leg belonged to the deceased victim of the crash.

All signs point to yeah, probably witnesses and video evidence provided to various media outlets depicted the man allegedly handling and consuming the limb.

One bystander, Jose Ibera, reported to KBAK that Tellez was seen brandishing what seemed to be a human leg, biting into it, and striking it against a wall.

Tellez now faces charges including a misdemeanor for the removal of human remains from a location other than a cemetery, also a misdemeanor for possessing drug paraphernalia.

It’s all starting to make sense now, and a felony charge related to a probation violation.

What?

This wasn’t his first offense?

I’m shocked.

I say shocked.

Law enforcement officials responded to the train collision scene where the unidentified individual was killed and their leg severed.

We think.

We’re not 100% sure.

Tellez was apprehended at the location without any issues.

Well, that’s good, because the man certainly has enough issues as it is.

Final story we have for you to jump.

What the hell is going on in the world?

First, we’ve got authorities trying to prevent a woman from changing her tampon.

Now we’re keeping kids from using the toilet.

Yes, this story comes from the UK at the Foxford Community School in Coventry.

On one hand, it’s a community school, but it does still kind of sound upscale.

Anything with the name Fox in it.

The Fox and Hound High-Rise Apartments.

The Foxford School.

There’s a store, actually a couple of stores here in Cincinnati, called the Snooty Fox.

But I think they just like sell old shit, like glorified pawn shop or something.

I don’t know.

Anyway, at Foxford Community School in Coventry, a controversial measure has been taken to control students’ access to the toilets during school time.

Metal barriers described by parents and students as resembling cages have been installed, restricting entry to the restrooms.

Toilets are off limits during instructing hours.

I mean, it’s got to be more trouble than it’s worth, you know, with kids pissing and shitting themselves.

The cleanup alone should discourage school administrators from this practice.

The school’s decision has sparked outrage among the community, with many voicing concerns about the impact on students’ comfort and dignity.

I, for one, don’t think that students deserve dignity.

Kids are little shits.

They should constantly be degraded and made to feel like the piece of little shits they are.

I think that might just foster the attitude adjustment these little monsters require.

Thank you.

Hate children.

Ian Ward, a grandparent of six students at the school, expressed his dismay to Coventry Live, stating that the cage doors were put in place on March 6th.

He criticized the policy for infringing on students’ basic rights and highlighted the potential issues for those with urgent needs, such as menstruating students or those with bladder problems.

Apparently, there’s a huge increase in emergency calls about tampons and maxi pads.

It’s a worldwide problem.

Toxic shock.

In addition to menstruating students, also kids with bladder problems would have an issue.

Ward suggested that the school could explore alternative solutions, like letting the kids defecate if they need to defecate.

It’s kind of how it worked when I was in school, right?

I mean, I think you had to ask the teacher, and they gave you a hall pass, but that was pretty much it.

You were free to pee and or poop.

They really gave us a lot of freedom.

Ward’s suggestion was increased supervision, which sounds a little creepy.

I’m raising my hand.

All volunteer.

Yes, I’m on pee-pee-poo-poo duty.

All right.

He emphasized that the school environment should foster a sense of safety and relaxation, not confinement.

The school’s administration has responded to the backlash by clarifying that the metal doors were installed in only two toilet areas and they were unlocked before and after school, as well as during breaks and for lunchtime.

However, this explanation has done little to quell the frustration and concern among students and their families.

The situation at Fulksford highlights the ongoing debate about balancing student safety and discipline with respect for individual rights and needs.

For god’s sake, let the kids drop a deuce if that’s what they need to do.

There you go, that my friends is your distorted news for Thursday.

Let’s do a couple of voicemails and get the hell out of here.

Hey, I just got some great news.

After all my bitching and whining and screaming like a toddler, YouTube has done the right thing.

Sanity has prevailed, and they reinstated my video.

That’s right.

Guys, if you haven’t seen it, do it now before it gets pulled down again.

I’ll embed it in the show notes today over there at distortedview.com and superfreaksideshow.com.

Thank god, I was losing my mind.

It really did.

This one in particular, I mean, I’ve had a lot of videos pulled down on YouTube over the years.

This one really drove me nuts.

All right.

Yes, many ways to contact the show.

Show at distortedview.com.

I’m all over social media at distortedview on Twitter and Instagram, facebook.com/distortedviewshow.

Don’t forget, we’ve got that post office box.

It’s brand new.

In addition to doing videos that always get pulled from YouTube, I also do unboxing videos whenever I get something in the mail, and when you guys are nice enough to send a card or letter or package or whatever.

So thank you very much.

Keep the stuff coming.

Let’s check in with a few patrons.

You’re asking for suggestions on the MetaQuest.

I picked up a MetaQuest 2 a couple of years ago.

Yeah, I got one really cheap.

And like I mentioned, I found that money in my Venmo account, and I was like, oh, I could put that towards something instead of my savings account.

I’ll just blow it.

And so I bought a MetaQuest 2, and I was I’ve been pleasantly blown away by it.

I didn’t think it was going to be as good as it is.

So and I’m not sure what the consensus is on this game.

I don’t really know how it compares to other games, but Walking Dead Saints and Sinners where you’re chasing around zombies or getting chased around by zombies.

Yeah, I’m not I don’t like scary VR games.

Like I’ve done that when I had the PlayStation VR.

I tried a few and I mean, they’re kind of fun, but I don’t like to be scared like that.

I mean, it’s fun, but it’s also very like it’s almost like work at that point.

Like I’m not it’s not super enjoyable to constantly be like what’s happening.

When something going to jump out at me.

So I don’t know if horror games are my bag, but I did download like I mentioned, I think on yesterday’s podcast, I downloaded Beat Saber, which is fun.

And then I also found I was just looking online for reviews and stuff.

Someone said something about a temple game.

I can’t remember the name of it, but that looked pretty fun.

And a post-apocalyptic New Orleans, dude, like there the first time that I experienced that where you’re wearing the headset and you’re walking down a fake street and you look down an alleyway and you see a walker coming at you.

I play a lot of scary video games, but there was a visceral reaction that my body had to walking up and seeing that.

I don’t know if that would be too much for you, but like…

My heart condition, this meta quest is going to kill me.

When the zombie comes up and you’re holding the weapon and you’re just sort of trying to figure out, all right, how am I going to stab this thing?

Maybe I will down it, it does kind of sound fun.

I do have to say, like, so I mentioned that I got that PS, the PlayStation VR back when the PlayStation 4 was out, and it was cool and all, but it wasn’t super great.

The visuals weren’t that great.

The resolution kind of sucked.

Wow, they’ve really come far.

It really makes me want to look at the meta quest three because the resolution is even better.

And then the Apple, the one that costs like $4,000, that one I’m guessing would just would blow me away.

But yeah, you know, VR is getting kind of good.

I think in another generation or two, it’s going to be something good.

Distorted View is going to be in the metaverse at that point.

Hi, Mead here again.

Oh, no, Hi Mead.

Yeah, especially getting kicked out of the ill-gotten planet fitness.

Well, for the sake of accuracy, you didn’t get kicked out.

You chose to cancel your membership because one trans person in the state of Alaska was found in the wrong dressing room or something.

So naturally, you flipped out, had a little bitch fit.

I’m just, I’m meeting a woman like Pirate Barbie to come along and feed me my high protein meal to keep my Arnold-like physique going.

Yeah, I bet you, I bet you, you could feed Pirate Barbie some high protein if you get my drift.

Yeah, take my fat Germanic cock, swallow it all.

Yeah.

And you know, I can’t give Planet Fitness my money anymore because they’ve forgotten the golden rule of God, and that’s to hate trans people.

I mean, it’s very simple.

Yeah, it’s like the third or fourth commandment, right?

What up, faggot?

Hello.

So my cum is flowing normally now.

Oh, thank God.

You know how much sleep I was losing every night, worried about your cum flow?

What, did you take some pills, some semen-X or whatever?

I was actually concerned.

The time I beat my meat and gave you a call, I came, but nothing came out.

And…

You know, you should get one of those little cups.

You know those things that they put outside to measure how much rainfall an area has received?

You should do that.

Every time you jerk off, you can measure your semen output.

I was just looking over at the title of the show, and I thought to myself, well, hmm, what is this about?

Gaddling about Britney Spears songs?

Like, do you name the title of the show during or after?

Well, of course, after.

After I record the show, I think about, like, what can I name it?

And on that particular episode, we had that girl sucking cocks singing Britney Spears music, right?

So it kind of makes sense.

Yeah, I spend way too much time thinking about the title of the show.

I know it probably doesn’t seem like it, and it’s probably an entire waste of time.

But when I go to do a post, when I’m entering the show notes and everything, I’ve got this little widget or something on the side of the screen, and it lets me know how good of a title it is, based on Google search engine optimization things and popular things people are searching for and how it might show up when they type something in Google, and then I’ll get traffic that way.

So for each headline, I get a score, right?

And it’s 0 to 100, and a good headline or title score is anywhere like 70 and above.

Because of the type of show I do and the things I want to include in the headline, I typically don’t get anywhere near 100.

If you include a lot of vulgarity, swear words, disgusting content, you’re not going to get a high score.

For instance, the piss gargling Britney Spears song title from yesterday’s sideshow exclusive episode, that received a score of 43 out of 100.

Not a lot of people are going to discover the podcast through Google.

Meanwhile, the last free episode, which was How an Ingrown Pubic Hair Nearly Killed a Man, that received a score of 69.

Nice.

Almost at that 70 threshold.

I notice if you pose a question in the title, that tends to get you a good score.

So far, just looking at the screen here of the last, I don’t know, 25, 50 episodes, my best episode title, according to this thing, the headline score thing, is One Man’s Cat Obsession Results in Several Body Defects.

That headline received a score of 93 out of 100.

And then the next best score was 88 out of 100.

And the title of that particular episode was A Doggy Love Doll for the Discerning Zoo File, which I kind of like.

That was a good one.

I’m sorry, sir, go on with your call.

Or is it like, what is the percentage?

Do you like just record the show and then, oh, you know, because I know you used to do that.

Like, this will be the name of the show.

But the percentage, do you like record the whole show and then think of the name?

Although sometimes I will either say a line or maybe read a line in the news story or maybe a funny couple of words in a Sextastic Tuesday story, and I’ll be like, oh, well, that’s totally going to be today’s title right there.

I’m not going to have to rack my brain today to come up with something.

I look at the title sometimes, and I’m like, hmm, what is that about?

So, yeah, that’s my question of the week.

That’s what I want you to say when you read those titles, like, what the fuck could this be about?

I hope your cum is good, flowing well.

I don’t know what the fuck was up that time.

I feel like my production is down a bit, you know?

Everything’s back to normal.

I feel like a pill I can take to really, I want, like, just massive rope loads.

Like, I want to douse someone.

Maybe it was, like, a psychological thing, like a matrix.

Like, I thought I had an orgasm, but I didn’t.