On Today’s Show:
| 00:00:00 | Introduction |
| 01:51:19 | America’s New Number Two Soda Pop! |
| 05:24:21 | The Stinkiest And Most Mangled Feet – Covered For 7 Years |
| 16:02:18 | Trying To Flee Cops In A Tesla With A Parrot On Your Shoulder |
| 22:13:20 | Gabrielle Chana: First Amendment Jesuit Auditor |
| 27:45:22 | Sign Up For The Sideshow! |
| 29:48:10 | Police Officer Locked Himself In Back Of Patrol Car Having Sex |
| 33:56:16 | Crazed Woman At McDonalds Parking Lot |
| 38:20:07 | Mr. Monopoly Went Directly To Jail |
| 41:04:03 | Voicemails: 206-666-4463 / Ending |
Our New PO Box Address!
Distorted View
PO Box 36268
Cincinnati, OH 45236
- Call In To The Voicemail Line: 206-666-4463
- Support Distorted View – Check out our Patreon page
- Get Exclusive Episodes Every Week – Become A Member Of The Distorted View Sideshow!
Podcast: Download
AI Transcript:
Hey, freaks, it’s Tuesday, June 4th, 2024.
Coming up on the program today, rotting feet with a stink that fills an entire building.
Plus, Gabrielle Chana becomes a First Amendment auditor, and she’s on a mission to uncover Lizzo Jesuit’s scum and fleeing from cops in a Tesla with a parrot on your shoulders.
Arr.
There is a little song called the Kegel Song that helps you learn to isolate this muscle effectively.
The song goes like this.
Now that exercise is going to help you isolate the sphincter so you’re not using your abs and you’re not using your buttocks.
Now let’s do this little song two times together to make sure we’re doing it properly.
Ready?
Alright, now you know how to do the Kegel exercise properly.
It’s Distorted View Daily with Tim Henson.
High new peanut butter age.
Christian now fears his flatulence.
I know what abortion smells like.
Did you know abortion even had a smell?
The vagina is full of eggs.
Oh my goodness.
Yes, Tim Henson back here with you for your Tuesday episode of DV.
Have a great one for you.
Oh, I’m just in a wonderful mood.
I don’t know if you’ve heard the news, but I am pretty enthused about it.
That’s all I’m going to say.
I need to conserve my voice.
I’m still not at 100%.
Today, you just get a little taste of Tim Henson’s melodic mastery.
In other words, I’m going to spare you my awful singing voice.
Now, getting back on track here, why am I so enthused?
Why am I so excited?
Well, you guys know I’m always rooting for the underdog, which is why I’m such a big fan of me.
There’s not a bigger loser than Tim Henson.
I’ve got that feisty underdog spirit.
Now, in the world of sodas, Coca-Cola has, is, and always probably will reign supreme.
For some reason, you know, the love of that goddamn sugar water is ingrained in Americans.
We’re born craving the stuff.
It’s a part of Americana, and it’s a part of our diet.
Recent studies have shown that the average American is comprised of at least 38% Coca-Cola.
That shit is coursing through our veins.
We’re a very healthy society.
For decades and decades, long before I was even born, the number one soda in America has been Coca-Cola, followed by Pepsi, and then, like in a very, very distant third, there was the little soda that could, Dr.
Pepper.
As a matter of fact, Dr.
Pepper sometimes didn’t even reach the top three.
Sometimes like Sprite would beat Dr.
Pepper in popularity.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, today that all changes.
My sweet and spicy baby boy has climbed and crawled his way to the number two spot.
According to the Wall Street Journal, Dr.
Pepper has overtaken Pepsi in popularity.
Now, technically, right now it’s a tie, but if you look at the graph, Pepsi’s popularity has been in freefall since like the 2000s, while Dr.
Pepper has seen a steady increase in popularity.
As a soda nerd and a Dr.
Pepper lover, this is just blowing my mind.
It’s the little soda pop that could.
So today we honor you, Dr.
Pepper.
I faked you out earlier.
I convinced you I wasn’t going to sing when really I was just saving my voice for my ode to Dr.
Pepper.
Congratulations, Dr.
Pepper, becoming number two.
Very, very exciting soda news at the top of the show.
All right, let’s get into the real meat and potatoes of this bitch.
Feet.
They’re gross.
That is the topic I would like to discuss today.
I’ve brought some exhibits to prove my point.
This is courtesy of TLC’s My Feet Are Killing Me, a truly awful television program that I urge you all not to watch if you’re not a fan of feet.
It’s all about feet.
Feet is right in the title.
It’s just mangled foot after mangled, stinky foot.
As a matter of fact, one episode I want to highlight today is season four, episode three, A Smell From Hell.
I’m going to hate every fucking second of this segment, but I brought this on myself.
That’s what us careless fairies do.
All right, let’s get into this.
Oh Jesus, you know we’re in trouble when it starts with that happy upbeat music.
It’s always like, Hi, my name is Chantal.
I’m coming in to see the doctor because my foot hurts.
And then two minutes later, the doctor’s like, Oh my God, three of your toes have already fallen off.
How did you not notice this?
So my feet smell like something that’s gone bad, like food that’s gone bad just out of this world.
Already, it’s not sounding so great, but at least she’s doing the right thing.
She smelled something funky.
Dunky was going on down there and she promptly booked an appointment to see a doctor, right?
No, of course she didn’t do that.
It’s been going on for years.
My foot’s been in the boot so long, like I haven’t seen my foot in about two years.
See how it just keeps getting worse.
I have a patient, her name is Wynonna, and she’s coming in today for her left foot.
Hello, we can go on back.
So I mean, before I even walk into the exam room, you know, I kind of have this gentle waft of smell where you know that this is a bad smell, and that is never a good sign.
Yes, the smell is emanating through this woman’s sock, through the boot.
No, no, no, I can assure you, it’s not only smells.
Good, and you?
Good, you’re Wynonna?
I know these are foot doctors, so they’re used to unpleasant smells.
But I think this is a whole other realm of disgusting for Dr.
Ebony here.
You can just tell the way she says, hello, hi, this is where the smell of pure evil is emanating from.
Hi, how are you?
We’ve called in an exorcist.
Good, I want to quit my job.
This is my last day, I’m sorry.
You’ve driven me into an early retirement, stink bitch.
Anyway, the doctor asks the lady what’s up, and the lady was like, I was born without a bone in my foot.
I was missing a bone.
As if that fucking explains the fetishesification of her foot.
And then had like four surgeries to try to fix it.
Did someone ever tell you, you were born with club foot deformity or any type of…
I’m not sure, but I’m not able to stand on it.
It hurts.
And then I had one last surgery, and that was at 21, and then ever since then, I’ve just been in this boot since 2014.
So for seven years, you’ve been in this boot.
That’s a really long time.
The doctor still doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation.
It’s not just she’s been in the boot for seven years.
This is the only thing that’s making you walk without pain.
Yes.
But you can’t live in the boot too long, otherwise other things start to deteriorate.
I do everything with it.
I shower with it.
I don’t take it off.
You don’t take it off in the shower?
No, because after having my son, I kind of just put it on the back burner, and it’s just focused on my son, so I haven’t seen my foot in two years.
Well, this should be a fun adventure.
Nothing good could come out of taking that woman’s foot out of the boot.
Dr.
Ebony, I strongly urge you leave the foot in the boot, and you just fucking set it on fire, or just chop it off.
Did you just say she hasn’t seen her foot in two years?
I don’t know what this woman charges, but it is not enough.
What do you mean you haven’t seen your foot in two years?
Like, you just shower with this on, you sleep with this on.
Yeah, I don’t really, like, pay attention to it, because I just don’t want to.
You’re just kind of, like, out of sight, out of mind.
If I don’t see it, I don’t deal with it.
All right, she’s wearing this tight boot.
Of course, her foot and leg are going to sweat.
That’s all trapped in the boot.
She showers, but with the boot on, so you know water gets in there, too, occasionally.
She’s going to have a Daniel Larson trench foot situation.
Everybody sing it with me.
Truly was a cautionary tale.
I’m honestly speechless.
I don’t know how you don’t see your foot in two years.
I’m now very interested to see your foot.
This is going to be bad.
Very bad.
Yeah, you got to mentally prepare for this one.
Center yourself, Dr.
Ebony.
Okay, so let’s assess what’s going on.
Let’s unwrap this together.
Let me see it.
Okay.
All right, so you just relax.
Deep breath, because when that thing comes off, you’re going to get hit in the face with whatever stink is underneath there.
It’s burning my nostrils!
My nose is not used to bad smells, but this is probably top three worst smells in my clinic.
Take a look at the featured image.
That’s the foot we’re dealing with here.
Doesn’t even look like a foot.
It’s all black and mangled and fungassy.
I don’t think there’s just one smell coming from that foot.
It is a veritable potpourri of aromatic evil.
Seeing my foot after two years, it’s kind of disgusted with what was under there.
The stench of it was very strong.
What the hell did you think was going to happen when you took your boot off that you’ve had on for seven fucking years?
Butterflies would flutter out, and a rainbow would emanate from your toes?
I’d like to put my foot back in the boot so the smell can go away.
This is what caused your problem in the first place.
You wouldn’t take the boot off.
It smells like rancid fruit, citrusy and sweet.
Well, the way you’re describing it, it’s not that bad.
You see layers upon layers of dead skin.
It almost looks like rotting wood on the top and the bottom of this foot.
There’s obviously fungal toenails.
It looks like a festering rotting foot.
Okay, alright, enough criticism.
You’re there to fix her foot.
Don’t be a bitch.
Meredith Brooks, I could use your help here.
Citrusy and sweet.
Okay, alright.
What is causing this stench?
It smells like there is a wound.
We just have to find it underneath all of this debris.
So the doctor has this woman soak her feet, I hope in pure acid.
So the lady has to do that for 10 minutes, and then the doctor will come back and start scraping.
While she is away from her patient, that’s when the doctor gets candid with us.
Thankfully, we have infusers and candles going.
But hopefully after this is done, she’ll like her foot a lot better.
It’ll be more healthy.
It’ll be more clean.
Yeah, there’s footage of like the receptionist lighting candles in all of the office rooms.
There’s diffusers on.
Like this stink has worked its way through the entire building.
I got to find what’s going on with this smell because I know there’s a wound.
I know it.
What a hunch.
The rest is pretty uneventful.
The doctor cleans the foot and scrapes and shit.
Here’s the diagnosis at the end.
So after I cleaned off Wynonna’s foot and debrided her callus, which revealed her wound, she’s got several diagnoses.
So, I mean, there are a lot of things going on here.
It does look like you have a pretty bad club foot deformity.
Down here, you do have these openings down here.
She’s got an open wound on the bottom of her foot.
She’s got tinea pedis or athlete’s foot around her ankle, her foot in between her toes, pretty much everywhere.
She’s got onychomycosis of the toenails or fungal toenails.
And not to mention she’s got a congenital club foot deformity.
That’s a lot.
In the end, they get her a new boot, which is nice, not stinky.
They change her bandages, tell her she’s got to keep doing that.
She also has to wash her fucking feet, you know, hygiene 101.
And then after the infection clears up and the fungus, then maybe we can work on your club foot.
Right now, though, we just need to get that stink to go away.
The brand new boot for you.
You don’t have to sleep with this on.
I can take it off.
You can take it off.
As a matter of fact, I would instruct her not to sleep with it on.
You know, don’t give her the option.
You got to take that boot off a few times a day for Christ sakes, woman.
Well, there you go.
A woman whose rotting foot stunk up an entire medical building.
Let’s switch gears now.
Oh, I’ve got a Sovereign Citizen clip here with a twist.
I don’t know if it’s a twist.
It’s just an interesting detail.
I’ve never seen a Sovereign Citizen drive a Tesla before.
It’s just unusual, right?
Also, I guess while I’m listing interesting things about this clip, the man who is being pulled over by cops has a parrot on his shoulder.
It’s, I don’t know, just something I haven’t seen before in one of these videos.
Now, our clip begins with the man being very uncooperative.
You know, he’s a Sovereign Citizen for Christ sakes.
And so the cops have shot his tires because, you know, he won’t pull over.
They popped my tires.
They got guns out.
I present no threat to any of these.
I’m just a man with the Constitution.
Look at that.
That’s the United States Constitution.
They about to try and shoot me through it.
Also, this is a very dirty Tesla.
A lot of stuff on the dashboard.
Big fuzzy dice, rubber gloves, questionable glass pipes.
I think this may be the first all-electric mobile meth lab we’re dealing with here.
It’s good to see drug dealers finally caring about the environment, you know?
No, I ain’t getting out of this vehicle.
Go ahead, buddy.
Go on.
Go on.
Read that first.
Read this right here.
Yeah, I think he’s got a copy of the Constitution or some sort of Freemason paperwork pasted on his front windshield.
Read this shit, bitch.
Read it.
The cop does not read the paperwork and instead pulls his gun.
Nope.
No, you don’t.
So not today.
So even though this guy has at least one blown out wheel, he takes off.
There is a short cut in the video.
In that time, police have managed to shatter his passenger side door.
So he’s driving with that.
Surrender is not an option.
He then stops his car right in front of an 18 wheeler.
So the cops can’t get behind him.
That’s okay.
I mean, I guess they can’t shoot you in the back of the head, but there are three sides of your car still totally exposed.
Driver side, passenger side and the front of your car.
They got nothing against me.
I broke no laws.
Look at this.
Look at this, guys.
Jesus saved me.
Lord Jesus, please save me.
Jesus has left the building.
You’re on your own, my dude.
This is all I’ve got.
All I can do is hide behind this poor man in front of him.
Look at my bird.
Look at my bird.
He’s scared to shit.
Won’t someone please think of the birds?
For what?
Why do you bitches want to f*** me?
Tell me why!
The bird’s probably scared because you’re yelling right in its ear.
Do birds have ears?
Oh, dear Lord, please come help me.
Dear Lord, please rescue me from these, these, these…
God have mercy on me.
Please!
Lord have mercy!
Was that the parrot?
Please have mercy!
Have mercy on me!
Thank God I trained for this shit.
Okay, playing Grand Theft Auto on PS4 is not training.
What do you think he means by that?
And how is his training helping him here?
He’s literally stopped.
He can’t get out of his car because he’s going to be shot by the police.
He can’t drive anywhere.
He’s surrounded by officers.
It’s like, what type of training is this?
Lord, Lord have mercy.
Lord have mercy.
Lord have mercy.
Dear Lord, save me.
This is what he learned in his training.
Save me God, save me God.
Save me God.
Save me God.
Guys, get my lawyer on the phone.
Get my lawyer on the phone right now.
Again, good thinking.
It’s all part of his training.
I’m talking to my attorney right now, asshole.
You cannot tell me why I’m on the phone with my attorney.
No one believes you have an attorney.
At some point, you may have had a public defender for previous court cases, but that doesn’t mean he’s your attorney.
Stop it.
I love when he just yells stop it to the police like that’s ever worked.
Guys, come on, knock it off.
Call my attorney, please.
Call my attorney.
Call my attorney.
That Siri never works when you want her to.
You know, Apple’s big yearly conference is coming up in the next week or two.
I hope they address this.
I don’t know, incorporate chat, GPT or something, but they’ve got to fix Siri.
No, I’m on the phone with my lawyer.
Stop it.
I guess they’re trying to get into the vehicle at this point.
Stop it.
Well, eventually the inevitable happens.
Stop.
They’re up.
They’re up.
They are up.
Cops, I guess, are saying to put your hands up.
They’re up.
Well, one of them is up.
You’re still holding the cell phone.
My hands are up.
Stop it.
My hands are up.
I present you no threat, sir.
I present you no threat.
I’m giving you my harm.
I present you no threat.
Sir, you just caused this entire ordeal.
You drove away from police officers, also known as fleeing.
I’m giving you my arm, sir.
He’s like, come on, I’m complying.
The balls on this guy.
I’m complying.
Now you got nowhere else to go.
If I were you, I’d blame this all on the parrot.
That thing was holding you hostage.
It told you to drive, ignore the cops.
Little bastard was trying to break free.
All those drugs were the parrots, you see, and it was trying to make its way back down to Brazil.
Anyway, that’s what I would tell this guy if I were his lawyer.
Blame it on the bird.
Hey, real quick, before we get into the news, I’ve got one more clip here.
Yesterday’s show, I think, was foreshadowing this moment.
I didn’t even know.
So Sideshow members may recall, at the beginning of yesterday’s program, we featured Church of Gales Gabrielle Chana as an intro to the program.
She was talking about some sort of bukkake, nukake, pukake bomb with sentient tacos and burritos.
It was some classic Gale Tomfuckery.
Anyway, we used that old clip to start the podcast.
And then later on in the episode, we featured one of those First Amendment auditors.
That guy kind of pushed his luck a little too far and ended up getting tasered.
Well, today I’ve got a bit of a mashup for you.
A brand new video of Gabrielle Chana doing a First Amendment audit.
Worlds are colliding.
Let me just play you a little bit of this.
This is Gabrielle Chana Fox News.
I’m reporting with a Jesuit here at this site.
Gabrielle Chana has located some real Jesuits.
Now, you may notice that she sounds a little off.
Fox News are reporting Lizzo Jesuits here at this site.
Yeah, it’s because she just had a tooth extracted.
I think her mouth is packed with cotton and gauze or something, and she may be a little woozy.
Okay, this is Lizzo Jesuits here at this site.
And one of the Lizzo Jesuits is running across the street, fleeing.
I just had my tooth pulled, and I got Lizzo Jesuits here at this bus stop.
One of the people asks her who she’s with.
I mean, she already said she’s with Fox News.
Why do you…
Are you friends with her?
Yeah, the audio is kind of bad because of all the traffic.
One of the guys says he’s going to call the cops on her.
Can you sit down?
Are you okay?
Well, this is some way to treat somebody who just had their tooth pulled.
I just had my tooth pulled and you guys are treating me like this.
She says…
They’re telling her that she can sit down on the bench with them.
I tell you, Lizzo Jesuits are acting really strange at this bus stop.
Like, I can’t go home in peace.
They’re trying to be nice to her.
Like, come sit down, you know, on the bench with us.
Are you okay?
You know, things like that.
I think Gabrielle is just drugged up still.
She thinks everyone is a Jesuit.
I just had my tooth pulled and they’re acting really aggressive and strange.
This guy said he’s going to call the police on me because I’m filming him.
Can you imagine that?
He’s going to call the police on me because I’m filming him.
Yeah, the two people on the bench seem like they’re trying to work with Gail.
The other guy is standing up and I think he is calling the cops.
Regardless, she quickly turns on the couple sitting on the bench as well.
Now they’re smoking.
I’m hoping their tobacco doesn’t have mites in it.
Yeah, so, yeah.
I’m hoping their tobacco doesn’t have Lizzo Desmond mites in it.
This is for Gabrielle Chana Fox News.
It’s not the tar and nicotine that bothers Gail.
It’s the Lizzo mites in the smoke.
I never knew it was against the law to use a camera.
Uh oh, the cops have arrived.
That’s what he called the police for, because I filmed him.
So why push the big deal?
It’s not illegal, it’s kind of weird.
That’s pretty much all the cop really said.
He tried to get Lizzo, he tried to get Gabrielle to turn the camera off.
Eventually she said, okay, I will.
I can’t believe that Lizzo Desmond called the police on me.
This is later on as she’s walking home.
As I was filming him.
Good grief.
I bet they’re going to be in trouble.
Yeah, I want to get home and get on Advil before the anesthetic wears off.
Yeah, I think Gail’s feeling pretty good right now.
She’s flying high.
I don’t know what those Lizzo Jesuits stopped me from getting home on time.
They’re blocking Gail.
So, yeah, I filmed them.
And now it’ll be a private video.
By the way, she has uploaded the video, and it is most certainly not private.
It’d be public.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that, right?
It isn’t against the law.
I love this newest arc for Gail, Gabrielle Chana, Public Auditor.
More of those videos, please.
Her channel is about to get so much more interesting.
All right, and with that, let’s get into the crazy, bizarre twist of the Five Dome News right now.
All right, guys, it is time to step up to the sideshow.
Become a true and honorable freak today.
Go to superfreaksideshow.com, sign up when you become a member.
You will begin to receive so many bonus episodes of DV, your head is going to spin.
Obviously, I do two free episodes a week here at distortedview.com.
Sideshow members get an additional three episodes, making this a truly daily podcast.
Memberships are very inexpensive, only $6.99 a month.
When you sign up, you get access to a personal RSS feed that you can plug into most podcasting apps like Apple Podcasts, Podcast Attic, Pocket Casts, Overcasts, all the big ones.
Now, if you happen to use Apple Podcasts or Spotify, you can actually sign up for Sideshow access right inside of those apps.
Just search for Distorted View.
You’ll find a button to subscribe.
It takes just a second, just a few taps, and you’ll see all of the Sideshow exclusive episodes appear right alongside the free episodes.
For more information, check out superfreaksideshow.com.
Remember, this is how I make my living, so if you like TV, please support it.
This December, Distorted View Daily is turning 20, and I could not have done it without the help and support and love and lust and erotic hatred you guys have provided me over the years.
So thank you so much to all of my current and hopefully future Sideshow members.
One more way to help support the show, we’ve got a Patreon account, patreon.com/distortedview.
You can pledge as little as a dollar over there.
Every little bit helps.
If you pledge at least $5, you get access to a special voicemail line where I will play your calls first.
There’s even some higher tiers.
If you pledge at least $20, occasionally I send out like DV merchandise.
We’ve done beach towels, beer, like pint glasses, t-shirts.
I’ll be sending out some more goodies here relatively soon, sometime this summer.
So sign up right now, patreon.com/distortedview.
All right, three very quick stories now.
First up, a San Diego police officer resigned following an internal investigation into an incident that saw him locked in the backseat of his patrol car alongside a woman he had arrested for suspected car theft.
Why would he be in the backseat with her?
Come on, you’re not that dumb.
Officer Anthony Hare, who had been involved in the arrest of individuals connected to vehicle thefts, found himself in an awkward predicament with one of the arrested, a woman with an outstanding bench warrant.
The sequence of events began to unfold when Hare’s body camera recorded a conversation between him and the woman that escalated inappropriately.
Now, unfortunately, the body cam footage, the audio is shit, right?
So I’ll walk you through it.
So she’s talking, the woman who’s being arrested is talking, asking the police officer if he’s single.
He says yes, but you’re not.
Now, she, I mean, it completely sounds muffled right there, but what she’s saying is I’m down to fuck right now.
I mean, it’s at this point, you know, the police officer is down to fuck as well.
Yeah, during their transport, the arrested woman made several suggestive remarks, including propositions for sexual activity, to which Hare responded, urging her to desist as they were being recorded.
Don’t say that right now because everything’s being recorded, he advised.
As per GPS data, the officer’s cruiser slowed down to a mere seven miles per hour before finally turning into a dark residential street.
Shortly after, the cruiser stopped, and at 1:34 a.m., Hare deactivated his body camera.
Incriminating, right?
The police officer’s not that smart because the one thing about the back seat of a patrol car is once you’re inside, you can’t really get out.
They designed that on purpose.
So, you know, anyone being transported or detained can’t just open the door.
So, whoopsie.
20 minutes later, in a desperate call, Hare requested a fellow officer bring a master key to unlock his patrol car, revealing that he was unintentionally locked in the back seat with the woman.
Despite Hare’s claim that the door had accidentally locked behind him while he was checking on the woman, checking her pussy’s temperature, maybe.
That doesn’t explain why his body camera was off, right?
Oh, that’s okay, he had an answer for that too.
He said his body camera had been dislodged.
You see, believable.
The investigation brought to light compromising evidence.
Traces of semen were discovered on his belt.
And, you know, a little semen goes a long way in these investigations.
The woman later denied any inappropriate activity had occurred during their time together in the cruiser.
Ultimately, the situation led to Hare’s resignation.
Less than a month after the embarrassing incident, colleagues described Hare as panicked during the ordeal.
Quote, I heard and noticed Officer Hare had a panicky voice, recounted one officer involved in the internal investigation.
He seemed really embarrassed and only disclosed the reason for his urgent call once I reached the specified location near Cottonwood.
The incident has raised questions about police conduct and the circumstances leading to such an unusual scenario.
Yeah, I wonder how often shit like this happens, but instances where the cops aren’t completely fucking brain dead and they only lock themselves in the back seat.
I bet it happens more often than you’d think, right?
Drunk women are always horny for police officers, a man in uniform.
Get it if you can, honey.
Alright, second story we have for you today comes from the state of Washington, actually near Seattle, a video capturing a tense exchange between a white woman and a black man.
Race war.
Outside of a Seattle McDonald’s has gone viral, sparking widespread commentary and disbelief over the woman’s aggressive behavior.
It’s black and white.
In the footage, the woman can be seen repeatedly approaching the man’s car, taunting him to come out and confront her.
The incident which took place recently started when Dante Jones was trying to just park his goddamn car, parking while black.
It’s now a crime.
Yeah, the white woman did not care for his park job.
She just started exploding on me.
Like Jones explained to Fox 13 Seattle, according to him, the woman was irate over the delay caused by his parking.
Then she honked her horn, yelled profanities and stormed into the restaurant before returning to continue her tirade.
I believe I have some audio from the viral video here.
Come on!
Really you?
Boy?
Get out of your car, boy!
I mean, I guess calling a black guy boy, that’s kind of racist, right?
That’s what old timey white guys would say.
Hey, boy.
But then she also calls him son.
Like I don’t, I don’t think, I don’t know if she’s trying to be racist here or she’s just flat out crazy.
Go somewhere crazy.
No, I’m not crazy.
Get out of your car now.
Yeah, eating your McDonald’s?
Get out of your car, asshole!
Get your order straight.
Well, you can’t make fun of the man for eating a McDonald’s.
You’re at the McDonald’s!
I’m so ready to fight club this shit.
Let’s go.
Come on.
You’re a fucking pussy.
Get a degree.
Go to school.
I am what I eat.
Go to school.
You see my car versus your car.
You’re eating McDonald’s?
Go to school.
You see my car versus your car.
All right.
Let me just preface this by saying, yes, this woman is nuts and stupid and possibly racist.
But as a white guy, there’s always a but.
Got to defend my people here.
He’s engaging with her quite a bit.
Like, he’s antagonizing her, too.
I’m not saying it’s his fault, but you know, the fact that she keeps coming back, it’s because he keeps saying things as she’s walking away.
I make a million dollars a year.
But you eat at McDonald’s.
No, I’m not eating at McDonald’s.
I was getting a coffee at McDonald’s.
You two dollar bill.
Take your ass on.
Get out of your car.
I’m here.
No, come on.
Go home, Miss Washington.
Take your ass home.
Come on.
No, get your ass out of your car.
Are you going to post this?
Because you look like a pussy right now.
He do kind of look like a pussy.
There’s a part two to this video, just more of her screeching.
I’m not touching your stupid white tune or car.
You smell like pussy.
You only wish you could have this.
Two brilliant minds debating here.
I was kind of frustrated because at the end of the video, she gets cut off mid-sentence, but she was kind of revealing something here.
No beef with her.
I have a beef with you.
Get out of your car, you little pussy.
You know what?
You are like every other man in…
That’s where the video ends.
See, I don’t think she really has a problem with this guy.
She has a problem with all men.
Someone has recently did her wrong.
And now she’s just taking it out on all guys.
It’s my theory.
The video has amassed over one and a half million views on Instagram and has been reshared extensively.
Viewer reactions varied with some making light of the woman’s erratic behavior, while others highlighted the potential dangers such a situation could pose for the man.
One viewer commented, Sad to see how this lady is acting.
And yet, if he was to get out of his car to defend himself, guess who would go to jail?
It’s definitely not her, yet she’s the one harassing him.
Good point, internet.
Final story, we have for you today, this is a very short one from our most fucked up state.
Say it with me.
Yes, queen.
Is that something gays still say?
I’m trying to be festive this month, you know, for gay pride.
I always forget to turn my DV logo into a rainbow.
Well, that seems to be a thing that companies like to do, right?
I guess this podcast doesn’t need to get any gayer.
Anyway, that’s neither here nor there.
Yes, the final story I have for you today.
In an odd twist, following an arrest, a Florida man claimed his name was Mr.
Monopoly, and he gave his birthdate as 42069.
Police officers realized no one is that cool to have the name Mr.
Monopoly and be born on 42069.
No, no, no, no, no.
Something doesn’t smell right here.
Police officers were suspicious.
Mr.
Monopoly was apprehended for vandalism.
His real name is Ryan Howard, age 33.
He was arrested on Saturday evening for allegedly spray painting a wall in St.
Petersburg, Florida.
Upon his confrontation by the police, Howard, who was carrying a bag visible with spray paint cans, initially refused to speak.
However, after being placed in the patrol car, he identified himself as Mr.
Monopoly with the peculiar birthdate.
The truth of Howard’s identity was later confirmed through his main driver’s license.
By the way, police could have just asked this guy, Alright, Mr.
Monopoly, what’s your real name?
Because everyone knows Mr.
Monopoly is just an alias.
Mr.
Monopoly has a real name, and it most certainly is not Ryan Howard.
That doesn’t sound like a wealthy man’s name.
I’m pretty sure Ryan Howard was a character on The Office, wasn’t he the temp?
For those of you wondering, Mr.
Monopoly’s real name is Milburn Pennybags.
Now that sounds like a millionaire, aristocrat.
Most certainly not the name of someone who would be caught spray painting a bridge or whatever.
Trash.
Florida trash.
Anyway, the truth of Howard’s identity was later confirmed through his main driver’s license.
Since he faces charges of criminal mischief and resisting arrest, a misdemeanor for providing false identification to law enforcement, Howard has been given a bond of $1,000 and will remain in custody until it’s posted with the ironic reality that he did not pass go and went directly to jail.
There you go, that my friends is your distorted news for Tuesday.
Let’s do a couple voicemails and get the hell out of here.
All right, I love to hear from you freaks, and there are many ways to contact the show.
Show at distortedview.com, I’m all over social media, at Distorted View on Twitter and Instagram, facebook.com/distortedviewshow.
Don’t forget, voicemail line 2066664463.
Love to hear from you.
Although I’ve still got a bunch of Patreon calls to get through from when I was sick.
So let’s blow through some of those.
Hey, Timmy Boo, it’s Beau Danger here calling from the Chevy Silverado of regret.
Yeah, long time caller, first time listener here.
Anyway, I just wanted to share a little local news story here with you from my neck of the woods.
Yeah, so I live in the province of Alberta in Canada, which people kind of sometimes call the Texas of Canada.
Okay, thank you for painting that picture.
I know what we’re dealing with now.
Anyway, I live in the capital city of Edmonton, but like an hour south of us is like this little rural kind of butt fuck town called Penocha.
And anyway, the local government, the UCP party, conservative party, they’d be like your guys are Republicans.
Anyway, they wanted to put on a youth dance, like a government organized youth dance in this little rural town.
And so yeah, like when you think of a youth dance, like what age range are you thinking like 12 to 16, like junior high, high school kids.
But yeah, so the age range of this dance is 14 to 25.
That could be problematic.
Obviously, there was like all this outrage, people like not wanting 14 year old to be mingling and mixing with 25 year olds.
Were they trying to find like older guys for these 14 year old girls to marry?
And yeah, there was all this fucking outrage and people thought they’d, you know, change the age range.
They just started canceling the whole fucking thing.
It was just a big disaster.
I don’t feel like the government should be involved in dances.
Yeah, it wasn’t even like some like weirdo trying to put on this dance.
It was the fucking like government, like the USP.
Party.
Well, some would argue that people in the government are weirdos.
Like the provincial government, like your state government, putting on a pedo dance in some like rural butt fuck like town hall.
That’s how they should have advertised it.
Just come right out and call it a pedo dance.
Fucking bizarre.
Yeah, I just heard about it on the news a little while ago.
That is crazy.
Not a super juicy story, but yeah, I just wanted to let you know what’s going on north of the border there with your Canadian cousins.
Like yeah, we’re not so different from you.
Everyone in North America is fucked.
Well, they wouldn’t have even invited me anyway.
I’m 33, so I’m well, what?
I mean, why would you want to go?
It’s a bit strange, but.
Criminating.
Anyway, I just wanted to say, did you love the show?
I’ve been listening to you for a long fucking time.
Yeah.
I recognize your name from, I don’t know where, but maybe Facebook or something.
Yeah, your name is very familiar.
All right.
Thank you very much.
What up, faggot?
Hello.
It’s Unicorn Hans for checking in, listen, I’m just calling in response to that funny, to that caller that, I don’t know, I guess he was a little upset that I said marriage was for beta males, but I’m just, yes, why would I keep it in my pants?
You never want to keep it in your pants even when you’re married.
Look, you got to spread that seed, man.
I’m married and I’m pretty proud of that accomplishment.
I dodged that bullet many years ago and I never fucked with it again.
And well, I’d recommend to you younger folks to have kids young and don’t give a fuck about who, you know, give a fuck about who the mother is, but she doesn’t have to be your only spread your seeds around.
Hey, that’s what I just said, hey, this is Life Lessons with Unicorn Hamster.
Children, pay attention.
We have genetics.
We came from a time where we had multiple wives.
When men were men, I believe in polygamy.
But since 2022, I’ve stuck with the same vagina.
Sometimes I struggle with it, but it’s good and I care about her.
What a nice message.
I hope she hears this call.
I’ve stuck with the same cunt since 2022.
It’s a struggle.
I can’t tell you how often I want to stray and find me some strange pussy, but I care for the bitch.
So it’s different since 2022, but from 2017, no, 2016 to 2021, I had like five partners at one point, just I never swung to the gay realm.
That’s what I want.
Well, you don’t have to when you got so much pussy.
To that collar, I won’t keep it in my pants, but lately it’s been pretty exclusive to one person.
I just, I care for her and I guess I’ve gone soft.
Maybe I’ve turned.
You’ve gone a little soft, but you know, unicorn hamster, you’re like my miracle whip, right?
We can’t tone you down.
You’re talking about frottagine.
Frottagine, yes.
That’s what the pope, that’s what the pope said was going on in Catholic churches.
It translates to faggotry.
There’s a lot of frottagine going on.
I’m very sorry.
You’re talking about frottagine.
I really explained a whole bunch of stuff because my mom called me all upset about something the pope and all that had said and blah, like she would super care.
It’s just about the pope, of course, she doesn’t care.
But yeah, frottage is one of the words for faggot.
There’s richione and finocchio and a bunch of other better words.
But frottage is like, a gene means like next kind of.
So it’s like faggoty, that fagness.
And I don’t even think the pope could have.
It would be a great name for a little girl.
It’s like Agnes, fagness.
So I’m pretty sure you can get help.
Someone please name your next gay child.
Your child, fagness.
That the connotation was.
But it’s pretty bad.
It’s not the worst thing to say.
I’m changing my name.
Well, thank you very much for the information.
Davide, our resident Italian, confirming that shit for us.
Well, thank you very much.
Keep all those voicemails coming.
For the time we have on this edition of the show, voicemail line for you 206666 or 4463.
That’s 206666.
Oh, God, is it?
Oh, God.
It looks like a festering, rotting foot.
Thank you so much for a very fun program.
Tomorrow’s episode is going to be sideshow exclusive.
So if you want to hear it, you got to sign up.
Right now, I leave you with more from that Daniel Larson trench foot song we created a while back.
Take a listen and I’ll see you back real soon.
Bye, everybody.
This has been another excellent podcast from the Scrob Media Group.
Learn more at scrob.net.
