On Today’s Show:
| 00:00:00 | Introduction |
| 02:02:04 | Wicked Is Annoying |
| 12:28:20 | Is Chris Chan About To Be A Father? |
| 16:23:13 | More Misadventures In Prostitution |
| 26:01:03 | Freaking Out Over Your Own Hit And Run |
| 29:02:05 | Sign Up For The Sideshow! |
| 30:11:04 | Chuck Woolery Won’t Be Back In 2 and 2 |
| 37:15:01 | Hanging Your Favorite Underwear On The Masturbation Tree |
| 41:59:14 | Father Proud Of The Blow And Hookers He Got His Son |
| 46:29:20 | Voicemails: 206-666-4463 / Ending |
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AI Transcription (May Continue Errors)
Freaks, it’s Monday, November 25th, 2024.
Coming up on the program today, dad’s got custody of the kids this weekend.
So you know what that means, coke and prostitutes.
Plus hang your most festive underwear up on the masturbation tree.
And Chris Chan is preparing to become a father.
Armageddon is upon us.
Distorted View Daily proudly presents Tim Henson’s mother playing What’s That Sound.
Basically, all I do is I play a sound and you have to tell me what…
Oh, then I gotta…
Yeah, I guess…
Yeah, you have to guess what the sound is.
All right.
Ready?
Oh, God.
This is gonna be another…
Another…
Okay, go ahead.
All right.
What is that sound?
Oh, my God.
Well, it’s a bunch of yelling or not…
Well, it sounds like…
Like…
Like a haunted house, like…
You think it’s a haunted house?
Yeah.
You know, like they do…
Yeah, it’s a haunted house.
Do you really want to know what that sound is?
Yeah, I do.
All right, hold on.
That is the noise of a bald man getting his head crushed by a woman’s thighs.
Like, she’s using her thighs…
Her thighs are…
Some guy’s head is between…
He’s got his head between his thighs?
She’s squeezing him and he can’t breathe.
So you are close with the haunted house thing.
Yeah.
It’s Distorted View Daily with Tim Henson.
That really gave me tranny baby fever.
I’m a sucker for all of people’s pain.
Crystal meth loosens up your butt hole.
Welcome to 1-800-F-Hole.
Get it together, people!
Yes, Tim Henson back here with you to kick off a new week of shows.
Have a great one for you today.
I have a confession to make.
I don’t know what wicked is.
I mean, I know it’s a musical and it’s about the Wizard of Oz.
But other than that, I am clueless.
I’ve never heard any of the songs from the musical.
I didn’t even know it was a movie that was coming out.
I have no interest in this whatsoever, and I’m sick of it being shoved down my fucking throat.
It’s all I’ve been seeing on social media lately, especially the last few days, which makes sense because it just came out in movie theaters.
But every time I read a story about Wicked, it kind of makes me hate everyone involved in the whole fucking production.
Whoever is playing the green witch, she seems like a real high maintenance cunt.
And the same way I hate Chappell Rhone or Chappell Rhone or Shrapnel Road, Bucky Rhone, marshmallows.
You know, she was this struggling musical artist, and now she’s hit it big, and all she fucking does is whine about it.
It’s like, cunt, you can’t put yourself out there.
Like be all over TikTok and Instagram and shit, leave your comments open, and then be upset when someone says something you don’t like.
And she calls it mistreatment and harassment.
It’s not okay what you’re doing.
It’s like, oh yeah, just keep cashing the fucking checks.
You have no problem doing that.
It’s kind of the price of being famous, you know?
That’s just the facts of life.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both, and there you have, you know.
You can finish the rest of that theme song.
By the way, Chaperone could totally look like Mrs.
Garrett in a few years, you know?
She puts on a little weight, comes middle age.
The issue I have with The Greenwich stems back a couple months when the Wicked movie poster was released and people started Photoshopping it to make it look more like the original Wicked musical poster, and the movie actress lost her fucking mind.
It’s so funny.
Maybe I’ll make the side by side today’s featured image so you can check this out for yourself.
But the original musical poster has some broad whispering into the Greenwich’s ear.
I wish I knew the character’s names.
Elf-Elphaba or something.
I don’t know.
I’ve heard it before somewhere in passing.
But anyway, she’s like whispering into the Greenwich’s ear.
Now, the Greenwich has her little witch’s hat on and it’s covering her eyes.
Very mysterious, you know?
And you can see her smiling, like a little smirk, an evil smirk or something.
The movie poster is very similar to the musical.
There’s the whispering going on, but the Greenwich’s hat is not covering her eyes.
You can see her eyes.
Also, in the original musical poster, the Greenwich’s lips are red.
She has red lipstick.
But in the movie poster, it’s like a darker shade of green.
Very Shrek.
So, fans photoshopped the movie poster to give the Greenwich red lipstick and also adjusted her hat to create the shadow over the eyes.
And here is how the actress, her name is Cynthia Erivo, I guess.
I don’t know who the hell she is, but she’s got a real bug up her ass about this.
This is the wildest, most offensive thing I’ve seen, equal to that awful AI of us fighting.
Our poster is an homage, not an imitation.
To edit my face and hide my eyes is to erase me.
This is deeply hurtful, first of all.
It’s not even a widely seen poster.
It’s like a fan edit that was posted on Twitter.
So most people who are not chronically online are never even gonna encounter this.
She goes on to say, the original poster is an illustration.
And I’m a real life human being who chose to look right down the barrel of the camera to you, the viewer, because without words we communicate with our eyes.
Okay, this isn’t fucking Citizen Kane.
This is Wicked the musical movie.
Some goofy ass shit where you play a witch.
Let’s calm down here for a second.
And if you think about it, who is she yelling at?
She’s yelling at fans of Wicked, people who would be going to see this movie.
They’re such fans, right?
They’re trying to recreate the original poster.
Way to fucking alienate your audience.
Anyway, the movie was released, and then I started to see all these posts from people saying, I had the worst time at Wicked.
It was the most annoying fucking movie to go to because no one would shut up in the audience.
They insisted on singing.
Movie theater started displaying signs.
I posted one on Twitter.
It reads, to our guests seeing Wicked, we ask that you allow everyone to enjoy the cinema experience.
Please refrain from singing during the show.
I can’t believe the debate that’s going on.
Like it’s almost 50-50 split.
People actually think it’s acceptable to sing in the movie theater.
And their argument is, well, you know, you pay to go to a concert and people sing, which, you know, honestly drives me up the wall too.
But it’s certainly more acceptable in a concert situation than it is a movie theater.
But they’re saying, it’s the same thing.
And then people get all emotional.
These people, you don’t understand what this musical means to people.
They’re just expressing themselves.
What that says to me is, people who enjoy this musical are fucking retards.
They just can’t help.
They gotta have these outbursts.
They just can’t, can’t just sit and watch the entertainment in front of them.
They have to sort of like make it about themselves.
If I saw this movie, it would be in a packed movie house in Aurora, Colorado.
And I would not be alone.
I’d be bringing my little friend with me.
What?
Aaron Rodgers.
He’s my bestie.
It’d be me, AR, 15 others.
Little party.
Anyway, again, you don’t have to worry about that happening.
I would never go see this movie.
Everything I read or see about it now just drives me up the wall.
Like, I just saw Variety posted the box office totals for the weekend, and the headline is Box Office.
Wicked opens to record-setting $114 million.
And then you read on, and it’s not breaking any records.
It’s at the top of the chart.
It did well.
It did really well.
Not trying to take anything away from Wicked here, but to call it a record-setting movie is a lie.
It’s not even breaking records for this year, right?
So it made $114 million just in North America, which is a huge amount.
Again, not trying to take anything away from that.
But this year alone, Deadpool and Wolverine made $211 million its first weekend.
Inside Out 2 made $154 million.
It’s not even like the biggest musical movie opening.
It’s the fourth biggest.
So get the fucking shit out with those stupid headlines.
Dad, I saw this insane interview with the two leads.
I guess Ariana Grande is starring in it along with the whiny Green Witch.
I’ve seen this week people are taking the lyrics of Defying Gravity and really holding space with that and feeling power in that.
I didn’t know that that was happening.
Okay, okay.
I don’t even know what any of those words are.
Like, I know what those words are by themselves, but when you put them together, holding space, feeling power.
What does that mean?
What is the interviewer talking about?
Now, the Green Witch seems to understand.
Gravity and really holding space with that and feeling power in that.
I didn’t know that that was happening.
I’ve seen it, yeah.
That’s really powerful.
That’s why I want it.
Ariana Grande then holds the Green Witch’s finger, just her finger.
It’s really weird and she’s like stroking it.
I didn’t know that was happening.
I’ve seen it on a couple posts.
I don’t know how widespread, but I am in queer media, so that’s my view.
That’s really cool.
What is that?
What is that interaction?
It’s so perplexing to me.
It’s very emotional for the Green Witch.
I wonder if I could have just said anything.
Like if I was the interviewer and I had some emotional music playing in the background, I wonder if I could get her to cry just by saying, like, I just saw online that people watched the movie, heard your song, and tabled the lasagna.
They spooned leaves in the oven mitt and tennis ball, quarter pickle noodle.
I just wanted you to know that people are dingy laying your war dongs and I think it means so much to flirble flop glug glug glug.
I’m sure she would respond, oh my God, that’s all I ever wanted.
That’s why I chose to play this character and that’s why it means so much to me.
The flirble gong and the dingy laying and the pickle noodles, thank you.
Hanukkah Menorah salt table, heart valve, sticks.
Now the interviewer said something about being in queer media.
If a gay listener heard this, right?
What I just played and understood what this meant, could you please call into the voicemail line?
I’ve seen this week people are taking the lyrics of Defying Gravity and really holding space with that and feeling power in that.
I didn’t know that that was happening.
Holding space and feeling power?
I mean, I guess I can sort of guess what that means.
Maybe they’re just taking it very personally.
They make it relate to their own lives.
Maybe.
I don’t know.
I don’t know.
It’s all just too much bullshit.
Also, not to be mean, but these two ladies, Ariana Grande and Cynthia, whatever, look sickly.
They don’t look well in this interview.
I’ll try to provide a link on the show notes so you can see them, but they look like anorexic midgets.
I mean, it’s kind of hot.
All right, well, there you go.
That’s enough of wicked.
If you guys saw the movie and really enjoyed it, please call into the voicemail line.
Set me straight.
Someone did say something about defying gravity.
They wanted me to sing it on the show, but I have never heard the song, so there’s just no way I could do it justice.
No one’s gonna be holding space when they hear my version.
They’re not gonna be feeling powerful or whatever.
They’re gonna be feeling nauseous.
All right, let’s move on.
I have some deeply disturbing news for you freaks.
Oh no.
It’s been a while since we checked in with Chris Chan, although I think I mentioned him on the podcast, maybe on Friday.
Cosmically, I may be responsible for this, like summoning Beetlejuice or something.
Chris Chan appeared.
He got on live stream to play some games, a Sonic video game, naturally.
But then he dropped this bombshell.
Freaks, he is talking about his own child.
This cannot be happening!
The world isn’t prepared for Chris-Chan Spahn!
I mean, we all knew he was dating that girl, Flutter, and he recently flew to Finland.
The top theory as to why was to ask Flutter’s family for her hand in marriage.
But this is all just moving too quickly!
Trump’s first year back in office will also be the year that Chris Chan has a child.
Alright, so here, like 2025 is not going to go well.
I don’t know if anyone thinks that it’s going to be a walk in the park, but it’s not.
I’m looking forward to it.
It’s going to be a lot of great content for DV.
So Chris Chan keeps it kind of vague.
So there’s two theories here.
One, he already got the bitch pregnant and she’ll be giving birth sometime in 2025, or they’re simply trying to get pregnant right now.
Either way, they’re thinking about having a kid.
When the child is actually coming into play or somewhere around that point, or I just might keep you all in the dark and let y’all know it till, and wait till after the child is born.
I have a right to my privacy.
If you didn’t quite catch that, he said, get rid of my bowser.
I have a right to my privacy.
There’s no president we all need to know about.
May y’all have these rats.
Dude, you brought it up.
You opened this can of worms.
So he’s saying summer of 2025.
It’s interesting.
A lot of people who have spotted Chris Chan and Flutter out and about like at grocery stores and stuff always seem to comment that the girl seems very uncomfortable and they can’t tell if she is grossed out by Chris Chan, a natural human response, or if she herself is just some sort of like high functioning autistic and looking awkward and weird is just like part of her whole thing.
Last year on September 17th, Chris was allegedly cited hugging, touching and kissing Flutter at a CVS where America goes to fuck.
CVS restrooms.
Her body language does not indicate that she was having a good time.
On the 20th, the site posted two incredibly blurry pictures of Chris hugging and kissing her.
While Chris is easy to see, Flutter is hard to see.
There is one photo of her that I keep finding.
She kind of looks like a child to me.
Someone calls her a cabbage patch kid.
I think she kind of looks like that the little girl from Poltergeist, Heather Roark.
Alright, Chris was all over that woman just kept touching her and had her hand on the back almost the whole time.
She doesn’t look young.
She 100% looked uncomfortable.
She seemed uncomfortable and kept her head down mostly.
I can’t say whether she was uncomfortable or if she was low functioning.
Wow, a match made in heaven.
I feel like the next great Chris Chan arc is about to begin.
Stick with Distorted View Daily for the latest.
Moving on now, our girl Sagittarius, Shouty, has been very active lately.
I think we’ve featured her a few times over the past few weeks.
She’s back once again as she gets ready to meet with another client.
Although I don’t think he knows he’s a client, which is very strange because he’s like still willing to pay Sagittarius to have sex with him.
Like whether you admit it to yourself or not, you’re dealing with a prostitute here.
I strongly believe that this guy is under the impression that while yes, he has to pay to get some of that sweet Sagittarius poon.
Sagittarius isn’t doing this with any other dudes.
This is just for him.
Again, it’s an insane thing to believe, but guys are dumb.
Take it away, Sagittarius.
I’m doing it right with me to meet up with this random guy that I don’t meet on Snapchat.
It was just like blowing up my messages.
And he was like, oh, I really want to get to know you.
You need to help me out a little bit.
And I’m like, brother, I know you’re not trying to get to know me.
I know you just want, you want to find out what this mouth does.
Yeah, Sagittarius is wise to all the shit you men say.
Acting like you want a relationship, like you want to date Sagittarius.
She knows you just want to blow and go.
So, while this dude may not know she’s a prostitute, she knows what you’re really after.
He’s like, I’ll do whatever to meet you, and I was like, okay, do you have money?
And then, yeah.
Well, that’s a clear indication you’re dealing with a hooker.
I sure would like to meet you.
You gonna pay me?
When the bitch whips out a rate sheet, you know you’re dealing with a professional.
So, now I’m gonna meet up with him, because.
Because he has money.
I originally tried to get 500 out of him.
For a blow job?
Look, I understand after COVID, inflation went crazy.
But a blowy ain’t worth 500.
Plus, you know, I don’t want to be mean, but you’ve seen Sagittarius Jowdy.
And he wasn’t going for it, because he just moved to Canada or something.
Funds are a little tight right now.
Yeah, I told him it’s $300 for a meet and greet.
She did the miming of a blow job there.
We had planned on the weekend, but he ditched me.
So I made him pay me.
A cancellation fee?
Oh, that’s brilliant.
So I made him pay me.
I don’t know if most prostitutes do that, but that makes a lot of sense.
$50 for wasting my time and to not get blocked.
If he ditches me again, or wastes my time again, then I’m gonna up the you’re not getting blocked fee to 100.
How does this guy not know she’s a hooker?
It’s all about money.
There are cancellation fees for your date.
Now the real reason why I’m playing clips from this particular video is, she continues to film when the guy shows up, which I think is like a breach of trust.
Like you’re paying, well, he doesn’t know it’s a prostitute cause he’s an idiot.
But you know, if I was hiring a prostitute, part of that money is for like being discreet about the whole thing.
I’m not looking for some sort of like only fans collaboration here.
I don’t need, you know, the internet to know my business.
So before we get to that, she continues to get ready.
And I gotta say, as we go on here, her rates and what she offers really becomes less and less appealing.
I hope that he is okay with me giving him a BJ with the condom on, because I’m just so used to doing that now because of work, that I don’t want to suck somebody’s meat off.
I’m sorry, that’s the job.
Some dude has to pay you $300 to get a blowjob through a condom.
I’ve never been with a prostitute before, but that don’t seem right.
It’s one thing to fuck abroad with a condom, but blowjobs, you really want to feel that, right?
Am I wrong?
Maybe I’m just living in the past, you know?
I came of age in the freewheeling 90s in early 2000s.
It was all bareback, baby.
Pussy bareback, ass bareback, most definitely mouth bareback.
I’d be offended if someone made me put on a condom when I mouth fucked them.
Look at my mouth.
I’ve got a very clean mouth.
No sores in there, you know, no bloody gums or anything.
Oh my God.
You know what?
I’m going to tell him that it’s $100 extra if he wants me to suck his mean without the condom on.
So she’s not that afraid of catching something from the guy or her giving him something.
It’s really just, again, it comes down to the money.
$400 for a blowjob that we’re up to $400.
I could buy a Nintendo Switch or like one of those VR headsets.
Fuck an Apple iPad with that kind of money.
I know your blowjobs aren’t that great.
She just doesn’t sound enthusiastic about it, you know?
You can tell when people like to give blowjobs.
This, you know, this is just way too transactional.
I mean, she’s already nickel and diming him with upgrades.
$100 extra for going in without a condom.
Why not charge $25 while you’re deep throating him?
You’ll also play with his balls with your fingers or something, you know?
Stick a digit in his shitter for an extra $50.
Deep tissue prostate massage.
Well, I wish I could say things went smoothly for Sagittarius’ little hookup, but it did not.
I saw the random man from online is here.
He just buzzed up.
He’s coming up, and I’m kind of scared.
I’m kind of nervous.
I’m not going to lie.
He’s kind of giving.
Like, I feel like he’s going to show up, but he’s not going to have the money.
Good intuition.
Because he wouldn’t grab me wine on the way because he didn’t have cash.
So I feel like he’s going to show up and he’s going to be like, oh, I don’t have money and try to finesse me, but I can’t be finessed.
Yeah, when you’re dealing with a professional, it’s not like she’s going to take one look at you and be like, oh, well, you’re so good looking.
How about a freebie?
He better have that cash on hand as soon as he walks in the door.
And it sure doesn’t take long for the bullshit train to leave the station.
Like basically as soon as he walks in, which makes sense because that’s when Sagittarius wants to see the money.
Here we go with the story already.
If you thought that was embarrassing, wait till you get kicked out of Sagittarius’ showties place.
He’s got lots of explanations, right?
Like he was able to pay for the Uber ride over because he used his sister’s account, but he doesn’t have any money.
It was pretty embarrassing, so I don’t have any money.
I’m not going to be able to pay for it.
I’m not going to be able to pay for it.
I’m not going to be able to pay for it.
I’m not going to be able to pay for it.
Here’s a count, but he doesn’t have any money.
It was pretty embarrassing, so I don’t have everything.
I sent you 50, I have just a little money.
We could do another meet some other time, and I would come again.
The reason why I had to come, because I knew you would block me immediately.
Because I was like, after a lot of time, I was like, do you have to block me and another meter again?
So I would rather come in person and explain to you.
And yeah, so.
Yeah, that’s not why he’s doing this.
He’s not coming over to explain himself, so she won’t block him.
He’s hoping that he can dangle the $100 or $50 or whatever and get something out of this, right?
Like Sagittarius is gonna be like, well, you traveled all this way, and then spreads her legs.
Again, that’s not how prostitutes operate, sir.
You are new to the city, aren’t you?
I actually emptied my account.
I can show you my RBC thing online.
And yeah, this is all I have left, like $100.
And yeah, so it’s a bit embarrassing, but…
So, what did you want to do today then?
You want to fuck for a hundred?
You’re not even gonna get a blow job for that amount.
I’m not doing that for a hundred.
Yeah.
Huh?
It can just be head, that’s fine.
I can’t give you head for just a hundred.
Oh, okay then, I will go.
Yes.
If it doesn’t work, that’s all my money.
This is literally all my money.
I’m literally a new immigrant here, like I’m not trying to be.
I wonder if he handed over the hundred.
I mean, that’s the cancellation fee.
I’m not trying to be smart with you or anything, that’s why I’m telling you before.
We do anything, and you know, I sent you 50 before we even met and everything, so I know we’ll have other times because I want to keep seeing you.
I just want to keep it in the relationship.
If I was Sagittarius, I’d be like, yeah, we can see each other again, but I’m keeping the hundred.
You know, I mean, it’s kind of working out for her.
Sure, she’s not making as much as she would if she sucked dick, but like she made $50 for doing nothing before.
Now she made $100 for doing nothing.
I would appreciate if you gave the chance.
Give his dick a chance.
She does not, and I believe she kicks him out.
Unfortunately, that’s where the video ends, so I’m hoping for an update.
I really would have liked some post game reaction there, even though there really wasn’t any game.
I love these little looks into the ratchet life, you know?
Diary of a low to mid range Canadian prostitute.
She should write a book.
Day one, bye for me.
Real quick, before we get into the news, I’ve got a great clip here of a woman who is accused of a hit and run.
Apparently, though, she was tracked down where she proceeds to have an A1 class freakout.
It’s not my problem.
Why didn’t you have a heart?
Have a fucking heart.
Like lady, you rammed into my car.
Who’s gonna pay for this?
Why should I pay for it?
Just because you’re fucking broke.
Like you did it though.
You’re gonna have to suck it up, bitch.
You know, you’d have more compassion for the person if they didn’t run away.
If they were just like up front with you.
Like, I’m so sorry.
I don’t have insurance.
Can we work something out?
I mean, chances are, they’re still gonna try to scam you.
That’s still way better than like fleeing, like, you know, making me chase after you.
All right, let’s listen to her screech.
It’s not my problem.
Why didn’t you have a heart?
Have a fucking heart.
Please.
Fuck you.
He’s a fucking shit.
So she’s just not going to take any responsibility.
It’s all the heartless woman’s fault for having a car so easily hittable, I guess.
Maybe she’s gonna calm down here.
Fuck you, I wouldn’t give a shit if anybody did that to me.
Oh no, the car is bruised.
Bruised?
Cars do not get bruised.
A bruise goes away on its own after a few days.
God, what an insufferable bitch.
If anybody did that to me, oh no, the car is bruised.
Who cares?
It’s cosmetic bullshit.
Why are you so worthless?
Why are you so fucking worthless?
She has no idea how to garner sympathy, does she?
Why are you, why do you need, you don’t need my fucking name, I know you don’t need my fucking license.
Yes, I do.
No, you do not!
I can turn it into my insurance, I sure do.
You just need my insurance!
No, I need to see my driver’s license.
No, you do not!
Yes, I do.
Yes, I do.
You ran into me, I didn’t run into you.
You don’t need my ID!
I do.
No, you do not!
Yes, I do.
No, you don’t!
Okay.
You do not need to know where I live!
For what?
Your report, you live is on here!
I could listen to hours of this confrontation.
Unfortunately, that’s where it ends.
If I do ever accidentally hit someone’s car, I’m gonna try to just refer to it as a bruise, see if I can downplay it that way.
You don’t need my insurance just for a little car bruise?
Being so dramatic.
All right, and with that, let’s get into the Crazy Bazaar Twist to the Fucked Up News right now.
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Now, this week is a little crazy because it’s Thanksgiving, it’s a very short week.
Tomorrow’s episode will be Sideshow exclusive though.
Thursday and Friday, we’re taking off though for the holidays, but I will be back this weekend with at least a mini program for Sideshow Freaks.
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And we even have higher tiers.
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So make sure you sign up or up your pledges now to $20 over there, patreon.com/distortedview.
Okay, three very quick stories now.
First up.
Oh, no.
We’ve lost another American hero.
Anyone want to take a guess who I’m talking about here?
Here’s an audio clue.
Our next guest is originally from Bangalore, Illinois.
He enjoys cold beer and hot music.
Says that he and his mom don’t see eye to eye on his love life.
And he claims that his job has cost him several relationships.
Please welcome Robert Faget.
Faggot is rather an odd name.
Yeah, you know, it is an odd name.
Yes, sadly, Robert Faggot has passed away.
No, not Robert Faggot.
Chuck Woolery has died.
By the way, even before I knew about Chuck Woolery’s politics or political beliefs, I could tell just by the way he pronounced that dude’s last name, he was very homophobic.
He put a little shine, a little spit and polish on the way he said Faggot there.
Please welcome to the show, Robert Faggot.
Please welcome Robert Faggot.
Faggot.
Robert Faggot.
It’s the same way you guys called me a faggot on the voicemail line.
Hey, faggot.
Robert faggot.
Faggot.
Please welcome Robert faggot.
It’s not like that guy is gay.
He’s going on dates with women on love connection.
But Chuck Woolery couldn’t help himself.
Normally, if you found out some guy’s last name was Faggot, you’d kind of soften it up, right?
Because you know he feels self-conscious about it.
It wouldn’t be such a hard a faggot, right?
It would be like, please welcome Robert faggot.
Robert fag.
Robert faggot.
Faggot.
I try to gussy up the name so it doesn’t sound quite like faggot.
Like help the guy out.
Dude’s trying to get laid here, trying to find a woman.
It’s hard enough for him with that last name.
Robert faggot.
Robert faggot.
Robert faggot.
I mean, there’s a couple of different ways you can go about pronouncing it.
Good God.
Chuck Woolery was the original host of Wheel of Fortune.
And of course, he hosted Love Connection and Scrabble.
I used to watch reruns of Scrabble, I think on the USA Network in the 90s.
Later, he became a podcaster.
I wonder why we never collaborated.
He was the host of a right wing podcast where he would routinely skewer liberals.
And, during the pandemic, he said the government was lying to us all about COVID-19.
He died at the age of 83.
His podcasting co-host, Mark Young, said, Chuck was a dear friend and brother and a tremendous man of faith.
Life will not be the same without him.
Woolery died at his residence in Texas with his wife, Kristin Present.
In addition to Scrabble and Love Connection, he also hosted Lingo, Greed and the Chuck Woolery Show.
Probably the biggest game show that he hosted, Wheel of Fortune debuted in 1975, although it didn’t get super popular until after he left.
At the time, he was trying to make it as a Nashville singer.
He performed in a bunch of bands, a folk trio and then a psychedelic rock duo called the Avant Garde, which actually had a top 40 hit called Naturally Stoned.
Chuck, who knew you were so cool?
After his stint as a game show host, that’s when he got into podcasting.
At first, he just called himself like a gun rights activist and a libertarian, and then he kind of went further and further down that route.
He became a full supporter of Trump.
He argued minorities don’t need civil rights.
He compared Jews to Soviet communists.
Can’t believe we never played any clips of Chuck Woolery’s podcast.
Right up my alley, right?
Quote, President Obama’s popularity is a fantasy only held by him and his dwindling legion of juice box drinking, anxiety dog hugging, safe space hiding snowflakes, he once said.
During the early days of the pandemic, Woolery said that it’s just the Democrats trying to hurt Trump.
They’re trying to make a big deal out of this little thing, this flu or whatever, in an effort to hurt Trump’s chances for reelection.
He said, the most outrageous lies are the ones about COVID-19.
Everyone is lying.
The CDC, media, Democrats, our doctors, not all but most that we are told to trust.
I think it’s all about the election and keeping the economy from coming back, which is about the election.
I’m sick of it, Woolery wrote in 2020.
Trump retweeted that, of course.
Just a few days later, though, Woolery had a change of heart because his son contracted COVID-19.
Then he was like, wait a second, COVID-19 is real and it is here.
My son tested positive for the virus and I feel for those who are suffering.
That’s always the case, right?
It’s so easy to be a denier until someone you know is in the fucking emergency room.
By the end of July, nearly 4.5 million Americans contracted COVID-19 and at that time, 150,000 had died.
Let’s not dwell on that negativity though.
He was a hell of a game show host.
Like I said, I watched him when he hosted Scrabble.
As a matter of fact, I’ve got a clip here of a gay contestant on Scrabble.
Now, what’s interesting is the gay guy is up against a woman.
They both buzz in at the same time.
Shock calls on the gay guy, even though the woman’s lights are lit up, right?
Pocket.
You’ve got it.
It’s pocket.
So he calls on the gay guy and he gets the answer right, but…
What?
What did you say?
She locked you out, Terry.
I did not notice that.
Can you take a shot and see which one’s flashing?
Yeah, it’s most definitely her.
Locked you out.
What is it, Deidre?
Pocket.
That’s right, it’s pocket.
Yeah, the best thing to do is to wait for me to call on a person instead of just yelling out the…
Chuck then blames the gay guy.
He’s like, you really need to wait until I call your name before you just start blurting out answers.
But Chuck called on the gay guy.
Terry.
See, Terry’s the gay guy.
He says Terry.
Well, even though the woman won that clue, Terry still ended up winning the game.
And he got to play the big money round at the end.
I know what you’re saying.
You’re like, Tim, well, how do you know he’s gay?
Well, I just know.
And now, back to Scrabble and Chuck Lurie.
Okay, just scratching my nose there.
Listen, I have to admit, I did call your name.
I did call you.
On that last thing.
Well, it’s okay because it worked out to where you won.
Sometimes, Chuck, I call your name out.
And it equals out.
This guy, his name is Terry Ray.
He has his own YouTube channel where he posted his appearance on Scrabble.
He was actually on Scrabble four times because he kept winning.
I think Chuck actually liked this guy.
The dude was just like over the top, especially for the 80s, you know?
Anyway, rest in peace, Mr.
Woolery.
Second story we have for you.
You know, Christmas is right around the corner.
You guys probably haven’t set up your tree yet, unless you’re fucking psychopaths.
Everyone knows you set up your Christmas tree and you put out all the decorations the weekend after Thanksgiving.
It’s the only appropriate time to do it.
You wait much longer after Thanksgiving than it’s like, it’s a waste, right?
Your fucking Christmas decorations are going to be up for like a week before the holiday?
No, you got to have like about a month, a little less than a month, but you don’t want it too long because then you just seem way too eager, right?
And then you’re overshadowing the other holidays like Thanksgiving.
Some people put up their fucking Christmas decorations end of October.
Let’s let these holidays breathe a little.
We just got done with Halloween.
Come on.
This is common fucking sense.
There are various traditions around the world when it comes to decorating your Christmas tree.
For instance, in Australia, you know, Christmas falls in the middle of summer.
So they’ll tend to use like a tree with red flowers in it, right?
Or, you know, instead of evergreen trees.
In Ukraine, trees are decorated with sparkly spider webs and spiders.
Not sure why.
They’ve got problems over there in Ukraine.
Is this why Russia is attacking them?
That I could understand.
That makes sense.
Those are some weird ass Christmas traditions.
I wonder if in Ukraine, instead of Santa Claus, there’s a Christmas spider that spins a web.
Like maybe instead of like wrapping presents, they just cover the toys with spider webs.
Very weird.
In African countries, Christians decorate palm and mango trees with items from nature.
And then there’s Thailand.
I don’t know how many Christians are over there.
I do know one man has a masturbation tree and he decorates it with underwear.
Yes, in a bizarre incident in Central Thailand, police arrested a 27-year-old man accused of stealing 67 pieces of underwear from washing lines and using them for personal gratification before hanging them on a makeshift, quote, masturbation tree.
I’d like to see what type of presents are under that tree.
Maybe a Tim Henson anime waifu pillow, available in the distorted view store.
By the way, I got my waifu pillows in the mail.
I’m going to be doing a video on that soon because I got some stuff to show you, stuff to talk about.
So yeah, if you’re wondering what the Tim waifu mouth pillow looks like, be on the lookout for a video real soon.
Anyway, back to the story here, the masturbation tree.
The discovery was made by Rangson Jyson, 55 who stumbled upon the unusual site last Friday.
The masturbation tree was outside while traveling to visit a friend.
Alarmed by the display of undergarments on a bamboo clump near a local hospital, Mr.
Jyson reported the matters to authorities.
The suspect, identified as Ophis Chunjit, admitted to police that he would take the undergarments belonging to women, men, the elderly, even children.
While intoxicated, he reportedly used the items for sexual purposes, discarding them on the tree once the scent of the owners had faded.
The Colonel who led the investigation explained the suspect’s behavior, stating he would sniff the garments while masturbating and then hang them on the bamboo clump.
Residents of nearby villages had long been puzzled by the mysterious disappearances of their underwear.
Just take a walk, find the tree that’s covered in underwear, the masturbation tree, as it’s known by.
Six individuals who suspect their items were stolen have already filed complaints, and police are encouraging other potential victims to come forward.
The man now faces charges of theft, which carries a potential penalty of one to five years in prison, also a fine of up to $300 or both.
The recovered underwear has been removed from the site and is being held as evidence.
Yeah, this story kind of got me pumped for the Christmas season.
Every year we play those great Christmas-themed intros.
If you guys have a favorite, let me know.
Sometimes I forget to play them all, we have so many.
We have the 12 Days of Distortion, Black Tranny, Black Tranny, Black Tranny.
Kind of offensive now, as opposed to five years ago when I recorded it, when it was, you know, totally quaint and cute.
Death of an Elf, the Christmas song set to sounds of gay fisting, depressed for Christmas.
Oh, we’ll play them all in the coming weeks.
All right, final story we have for you.
A man jailed for four years claims he’s still a good dad, despite the fact he offered his son cocaine and tried to get him to have sex with a prostitute.
Okay, well, how old was the son, first of all?
Because if his son was like 18, 19, I’d say, yeah, that’s an awesome father.
Don’t be a pussy, the man told his son after he organized for two sex workers to visit a hotel in Bromley, Greater London.
Were they both for the kid or was it like the father got a prostitute and he was like, shit, I’m with my son, I’m going to have to probably get him one too.
Like he begrudgingly got his son a prostitute.
The son, who cannot be named, yikes, that sounds problematic, definitely underage, right?
The son, who cannot be named, bravely told his dad, I’m fucking 13, that’s ridiculous, when he was offered a line of cocaine.
Great, my son’s a square.
Can you just fucking chill out and be cool?
All right, at his sentencing hearing, the man told Croydon Crown Court, he’s a great father, despite appearing to have some weird and very skewered views on what is good parenting.
I’m a good father, he insisted, after he pled guilty to arranging for a child to engage in sexual activity, as well as offering to supply cocaine.
He told the court, I might not look like it in your eyes, it was only because he was feeling down, because he broke up with his girlfriend.
The dad was just trying to help.
Prosecutor Judith Benson said the boy’s mother had reluctantly agreed for him to spend a night with his dad, but when the boy arrived, his dad offered him a line of coke.
When his son told him he didn’t want to do that, the dad blamed it on the boy’s mother.
That bitch, teaching you what’s right and wrong.
He actually called the mother overprotective and told him to don’t be a pussy.
The dad added that the sex workers were already in a taxi, so you know, it’s too late for them to turn away, you’re gonna get fucked.
Money is not gonna go to waste.
When the two women arrived, the dad told them his son was 18 years old.
The boy was taken to a separate room where he reluctantly allowed a 26 year old sex worker to perform a sex act on him.
Oh, I’m sure they really had to twist his arm there.
In a police statement, the boy said he didn’t wanna do it.
Oh, and he was left feeling disgusted.
The dad paid the women about $200 each and they left the boy’s mother message and phone throughout the night.
But the first response she got was from the dad at 4 a.m.
saying, piss off, I’ll guard him with my life.
Let the boy stretch his wings and snort some white powder and get his dick sucked by a whore.
What if it was Sagittarius Shawty?
When she later found out what happened, she took her son straight to the police and the dad was arrested.
Representing himself in court, bullseye move, the dad told the judge, I’ve genuinely got a good heart.
Prosecutor Ms.
Benson explained the crown would be applying for a sexual harm prevention order banning from unsupervised contact with his children.
The dad replied, I thought I would treat him, get his dick sucked, job done.
And this is why you don’t represent yourself in court.
Like a lawyer representing you would prevent you from saying crazy shit like that in front of the judge.
Hey, I thought I’d treat him.
Boy needs to live a little, you know, get his cocks sucked by some whores.
Not like he paid for it.
I’m the one that shelled out the cash.
See, I’m a good father.
All right, he said, I’m not a prolific sex offender.
I find that harsh.
I’m not a danger to children.
Well, not all children, just to my own.
It’s just my boy.
The judge told the father that he had attempted to humiliate his own son into going along with it.
Quote, he seemed to be a very bright, intelligent and very sensible young man.
But at 13, he was young and impressionable.
As his father, he no doubt looked up to you.
He didn’t have a choice.
He went along with what you asked.
You clearly gave no thought to the impact on your son.
The judge sentenced him to four years in prison for arranging a child sex offense.
The dad will be subject to sex offense notification requirements for life.
And he was given a 10 year sexual protection order.
Concluding the sentencing hearing, the judge praised the son’s bravery.
You took that prostitute like a champ.
You fucked her good.
No, he should feel no guilt whatsoever.
He was the more sensible person in all of this.
So there you go.
Father of the Year candidate out of the UK.
That my friends is your distorted news for Monday.
Let’s do a couple voicemails and get the hell out of here.
Love to hear from you freaks.
And there are many ways to contact the show.
Show at distortedview.com.
I’m all over social media at distortedview on Twitter and Instagram, facebook.com/distortedviewshow, yada, yada, yada.
We’re going to play some patron calls here in just a second.
But I got just the greatest package in the mail.
This kind of got me in the fields, as they say, because shortly after I started the sideshow, we got a post office box, the very first distorted view post office box.
I began to receive some just awesome custom toys.
I made videos on them.
I think they’re still up on YouTube somewhere.
I’ll try to find it and post it on the show notes or something or embedded.
The greatest gift was a toy, a precious Taft action figure that you could, it came in like a little package, like a toy package, and it had a button on it.
And when you press it, it would play Precious Taft.
I’d bash his brains against a goddamn radiator.
You remember that classic clip, right?
Well, that was Butter Pants.
And after all these years, I just got a letter from Butter Pants in the mail.
Do you remember receiving a Talking Precious Taft doll?
I’m happy to announce that the Butter Pants Toy Company, the people that gave you, my little precious, is back in business in producing more fine novelty items.
We at the Butter Pants Toy Company strive to produce novelties and toys that cater to the discerning Distorted View freak.
Enclosed, you will find a prototype of our newest creation.
Just press it.
And it’s a little toy, flush horse.
And when you press it…
MrButterPants says, PS, you might recall receiving the Happy Baby Scat orgy.
That was one of the strangest things I ever received in my post office box.
It was a scene, like a bunch of little baby dolls, naked with shit all over their bodies and on their floor.
They were having some sort of, it was a scat party.
You may recall receiving the Happy Baby Scat orgy.
I think that would be flagged in the mail now, right?
Like there’s some pedophile shit’s going on.
Around the same time as the Precious Tap doll, whatever happened to that and Precious?
At the same time, there were prototypes of a talking Gloria Huddle, that woman, and the hairdresser woman of Stairway to Stardom.
Unfortunately, those dolls were never fully completed before we closed down.
There are parts to build an Alexis K.
Tyler talking doll.
Several other creations are currently in production or in the R&D phase.
I’m so excited about potentially receiving more Distorted View toys from the Butter Pants Toy Company.
To answer your question, the thing with the scat sculpture was it did not travel well.
And after I moved one or two times, it all began to fall apart, and eventually I had to throw it away.
As for Precious Taft, I lost her again, I think, in one of the moves.
And to this day, I am pissed off about that because it really was an amazing toy.
I’m so, so glad you wrote in Mr.
Butter Pants, CEO of the Butter Pants Toy Company.
If you need me to bankroll any of these Distorted View toys you’re coming up with, you just let me know.
I’d be happy to contribute.
So glad, they’re back in business over there.
All right, let’s do a couple voicemails now.
Hey Timothy, it’s Meowness.
Hey Meowness.
So I’ve been listening for so many years, and all this time that Haley’s comment would call in, there was something about the exact way that he spoke that made me think of someone.
And I could never until today put my finger on exactly who.
And it finally dawned on me.
I know you love the movie Hot American Summer.
Yes, one of my favorites.
You remember, there was a series of kids known as the indoor kids.
The nerds, yeah.
Where they were all like the nerds.
Yeah.
One of them was the kid that wore the big horn room glasses, and he went right over to the girls table and asked them if they wanted to be included.
She called him a douche bag and he says, douches are hygienic.
I take that as a compliment.
I know exactly where you’re going with this.
In the Dungeons and Dragons team that they were going to play later.
And one of the girls responds with, no, you douche bag.
And the exact line from this kid is, douche bags are hygienic products, thank you.
And it’s finally locked in the place that whenever Hayley’s Comet talks, it sounds to me exactly like that.
Because absolutely everything is on the internet, this clip is on YouTube.
So let me just play, cause I’m guessing most of you have never seen Wet Hot American Summer.
Excuse me, ladies.
This is the kid that he thinks sounds like Hayley’s Comet.
Excuse me, ladies.
You may remember me as the guy who came to dinner a few weeks ago with underwear on my head.
My name is Keith Stack from Millburn, New Jersey.
State Bird the Mosquito.
And as you may have heard, I am…
The voice is not 100%, but the way he talks kind of is.
You may have heard I am recently a crowned Class B dungeon master.
So if any of you would like to play D&D today, please speak now or forever hold your peace.
Anyone?
Alexa, maybe you would like to join in?
We do need a druid and you have definitely cast a level five charm spell on me.
In your dreams, douchebag.
Douchebags are hygienic products.
I take that as a compliment.
Thank you.
Well, there you go.
That is the Haley’s Comet Doppelganger.
Hey, Tim, great big Pete here.
Just calling in for two things.
Thing number one, I’m weighing in and I now weigh 217 pounds.
There you go, Tim.
I weigh 217 pounds and I don’t know why you needed to know that.
But I like to know that.
Apparently, some of the lifters are saying that we have to weigh in these days.
Yeah, well, you’re less than me.
That’s all that’s important.
The other thing I wanted to mention was that I had a one-white poo today.
Oh, so good, right?
This is not uncommon for me because of my good and dear friend, Tyler Soros Rex from the Discord.
He taught me that if I increase my fiber, that things will start working better there.
You didn’t know that until Tyler Soros Rex, an idiot from the Distorted View Discord, told you this.
My listeners are morons.
Holy friggin crap, is he right, man.
So thank you, Tyler.
I love you.
You’re my best friend.
All right, you two get a room already.
All right, let’s do one more call here.
All right, Timmy.
It’s Greg from Awesome.
There is a vote currently going on in the Discord for the faggot of the year in the Discord.
It has been narrowed down to three contenders, me, Squigs and Scumhook.
And right now, Squigs is leading me by six votes, and I find that entirely unacceptable.
So I need…
Okay, so what goes into being the faggot of the year?
Because none of you are gay.
All of you assholes that are in the Discord to go over to the official business channel and vote for who we all know is the biggest faggot of the year, which is me, because I am…
I’m a giant fag.
Please.
What are your fag qualifications?
Or your fag qualities?
Do you want to vote?
I feel like all of…
like everyone in the running should call into the voicemail line and explain to me why you should be named faggot of the year.
Like, this could be like one of those Miss America pageants, you know?
For faggotry.
I could ask you some questions.
You have to…
It has to be Greg from Austin.
It can’t be anybody else.
Vote for the fag.
He’s going to bring you all the fag of gayness.
Go do it.
Well, he has a way with words.
Vote for the fag of gayness.
Greg from Austin.
All right.
I don’t know what the hell is going on with that, but you guys check out the Discord.
It’s absolutely free.
There’s a link on the main navigation bar over there at distortedview.com.
All right.
That is all the time we have on this edition of the show.
I want you guys to email me.
Show my distortedview.com.
distortedview.com is our official website voicemail line for you.
206-666-4463.
That’s 206-666.
Oh, God is it.
Oh, God.
Spread the distortion, STD.
Tell all your friends about the show.
Don’t forget to give us a five-star rating, a thumbs up, or like wherever you can rate and review podcasts.
Tomorrow’s episode is going to be Sideshow exclusive.
If you want to hear it, you got to sign up, superfreaksideshow.com.
Otherwise, I’ll see you back on Wednesday.
Until then, have a great day.
Bye, everybody.
It’s time to read another featured podcast review on Apple Podcasts.
Today’s review comes from Ipswich123, who gives DistortedView five stars and writes, Englishmen, my absolute favorite podcast.
I listen in prison and I find it comfort while I do my full life sentence.
Thanks, Ipswich.
Please consider leaving us a review on Apple Podcasts.
It may be read on an upcoming show by yours truly.
This is your announcer, Rod or Pay, reminding you at this very moment, Chris Chan could be pumping his hot sticky load into his girlfriend, thus initiating the spawning sequence.
No one is safe.
Prepare for the next generation of Utah.
Its arrival is eminent.
This has been another excellent podcast from the Scrob Media Group.
Learn more at scrod.net.
