On Today’s Show:
00:00:00 | Introduction |
01:41:16 | Winnie The Pooh And Piglet Talk Stranger Danger |
13:14:04 | Steven Dawson Gets Tricked With Boxer Shorts |
21:06:22 | Doing Shots Of Nail Polish |
30:06:21 | Sign Up For The Sideshow! |
32:00:12 | Betting Your Friend You Could Dodge Bullets |
35:16:23 | A Small Tale Of One Man’s Micropenis |
40:01:17 | Twerking On The Disabled |
43:27:15 | Voicemails: 206-666-4463 / Ending |
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Podcast: Download
Transcript:
Hey, freaks, it’s Wednesday, February 5th, 2025.
Coming up on the program today, Piglet gets porked by a pedo, plus Steven Dawson is back, showing off his bulge to the Babe Station beauties, throwing back shots of Maybelline nail polish, and betting your friend you can dodge gunfire.
Guess who lost that bet?
Low job.
Dick, not cock.
You can say cock too.
Alright, this is cockpit, isn’t it?
Yeah, I want to put it in.
You are good at throwing jump, aren’t you?
You want to try?
It’s Distorted View Daily with Tim Henson.
A bucket of his diarrhea.
I didn’t want it to be in my mouth, but it was running down my eyes.
It’s called Distorted View Daily, and it will rape your mind!
Yes!
Tim Henson, back here with you for the Wednesday podcast.
Have a great one for you.
Do you guys remember an old intro to the show we played a few times where Winnie The Pooh and Piglet talk about touching you in your no-no spot?
But is there touching?
It’s not okay, Pooh.
Oh, no, there’s no such thing, Piglet.
Adults keep us safe, and if they need to see us naked for some reason, it’s not our place to question them.
But what if it feels funny?
It’s supposed to feel funny, Piglet.
All right, so there’s a reason why this video has been banned.
Just a lot of bad info from Winnie The Pooh.
I actually found the entire 40-minute video.
Winnie The Pooh and Tigger and Eeyore and the whole crew cover all sorts of Stranger Danger.
But it’s the inappropriate touching part of the video that is really great.
So I found the extended version here.
I thought we’d go through it, just to learn.
I think there’s some valuable information in here.
Pooh, I hate to mention it, Pooh, I really do.
But I think we should tell our friends that danger doesn’t always come from strangers.
It can be from someone you know.
Uncles, it’s always uncles.
Oh, Piglet, you’re right.
People you see every day might want to touch you.
And sometimes that’s dangerous.
What should I do?
Oh, Piglet, you get the money up front.
What do you mean, Pooh?
Well, there are certain private places on your body that nobody is supposed to touch.
Feet, right?
We’re talking about feet here?
Except you.
Your bathing suit covers your private parts.
Sometimes your parents might touch them if they’re dressing you or bathing you or…
If they’re drunk.
Let’s see if my boy takes after me in the cock department.
Pull down your pants…
.
has to touch them when he’s examining you.
That’s okay touching.
But is there touching that’s not okay, Pooh?
Obviously, Piglet.
We just kinda touched on that subject already.
Are you not kidding me?
What the hell is wrong with you?
It’s almost like Piglet is playing stupid here.
Piglet knows.
But if an adult is touching me, I should just let him finish, right?
Oh no, Piglet.
You yell and ask for help and run away.
I think I should stick around.
I don’t want the adult to get mad at me.
Oh no, you should find someone you trust and tell them what’s going on.
But then the adult will get in trouble and won’t touch me anymore, right?
Yeah.
You want them to get in trouble.
Oh yeah, that’s right.
But sometimes when they touch, it feels so good.
I get real happy and I like to be happy, Pooh.
Oh, Piglet.
What the hell are you talking about?
I think it’s called an orgasm.
Piglet, you were molested.
That’s a crime.
Is it a crime that it feels so good, Pooh?
Yeah, it is.
You’re fucked in the head, Piglet.
You need professional help.
By another stranger?
No, by a therapist, a professional.
They’ll stroke me off too.
Poor Piglet, man.
Traumatized.
Oh yes, Piglet.
And that’s the kind of touching that gives you a funny feeling inside.
C-c-c-cause he’s rearranging my guts.
Right, Pooh?
Uh, yeah.
Sometimes your parents might touch them if they’re dressing you or bathing you, or the doctor has to touch them when he’s examining you.
Why is a little three-year-old Piglet getting checked for p-p-prostate cancer?
It feels wrong because other people shouldn’t touch your private parts.
B-b-but Pooh, what do I do if somebody tries to touch me that way?
Oh, that’s an easy one.
You bend down like you’re going to suck them off, and then you bite their dick!
And when they’re writhing around in pain, you run!
Now, here’s the important part.
If anybody tries to touch you anywhere in a not-okay way, a way that feels wrong, tell them no.
No matter who they are, Pooh?
Yeah, cause that’s gonna work.
Absolutely, Piglet.
It’s not always a stranger.
No!
All right, I see your no, and I raise you a shut the fuck up or I’m going to kill you and your parents.
What do you say to that, Piglet?
Okay.
Even if it’s somebody you know, or somebody you’ve seen at home, at school, or in your neighborhood.
Man, when I was going to school, I wish someone would suck my dick.
You have to say no.
It’s like the opposite of what was going on in my life.
I was like, please, will you touch me down there?
And they’re like, faggot.
And they beat me up.
Oh, I think we’re about to hear a Mola Station song, sung by Winnie the Pooh.
Here’s how.
I can’t help but notice.
Winnie the Pooh has quite the dumper on him.
See, now, I feel like you shouldn’t tell the person who’s molesting you that you’re going to tell your mom and dad.
It just gives this person more of a reason to hold you captive and maybe cut out your tongue.
You got to be smart about this.
You should say things to the person who’s molesting you like, I will not tell my mom and dad.
Just let me go.
We’ll keep this between us.
It’s water under the bridge, right?
And then as soon as he lets you go, then you tell your parents and the authorities, right?
Now, Piglet, that’s really all there is to it.
We need to teach children how to lie, is what I’m saying.
Alright, the last thing I want to hear is fucking Piglet singing.
Let’s just fast forward.
I think there’s some scenarios with real children here.
Now, suppose somebody tries to touch you in a not okay way.
What would you say?
No.
No, don’t touch me.
Don’t touch me, Dad.
I’ll tell.
If you touch me again, I’ll tell my dad.
He’s a construction worker.
He’ll fuck your ass with a traffic cone.
No, stop touching me.
Don’t touch me.
This sounds like me and Lord Douche at night.
I roll over and I’m like, Hello?
You know what time it is.
No, stop touching me.
Come on, Jimmy’s horny.
Don’t touch me.
You’re going to suck my dick or I’m going to smash your fucking butter bell to smithereens.
No, don’t touch me.
Ah, fine.
I’m going to bed then.
Bravo, bravo.
That’s the way to be too smart for strangers.
Those boys and girls really know how to help themselves.
Did anybody mention tricks?
Well, no, Rabbit.
I mean, not yet.
Where the hell is this going?
Bad touching is okay as long as you’re getting paid.
That’s called turning tricks.
I always thought Rabbit was from the streets, you know.
While you’re here, why don’t you tell us about tricks?
Glad you asked, Pooh.
Always charge more for mouth stuff.
That’s a good tip, Rabbit.
Oh, and never let them finish inside of you.
Always require they shoot on your back.
That’s how I got gonorrhea the first time.
Now this time, I’m talking about tricks that bad people use to get you not to tell.
Oh, okay.
Those kind of tricks.
That makes more sense, considering this is a video teaching children how to protect themselves from strangers.
When they do something wrong to you, like touching you in a not-okay way.
Oh, my.
But no matter what kind of trick someone tries with you, remember, always tell your parents or someone you trust when someone tries to touch your private parts, and keep telling till someone helps you.
Now, what would you do if someone says he’ll hurt you if you tell?
I would get daddy’s gun from the nightstand, and I’d go back to the stranger’s house, and I’d blow his fucking head off, and I’d laugh, and I’d say, Who you gonna hurt, huh?
Who you gonna hurt now?
Your brains are splattered on the wall!
Motherfucker, rot in hell!
Oh, Pooh, what’s happening to me?
Oh, Piglet, it sounds like you’ve acquired a taste for blood.
I feel so powerful with this gun.
I get whatever I want!
Everyone’s afraid of me now.
I’m gonna hold up a 7-Eleven, and then I’m gonna go to Mexico, and no one’s ever gonna be able to find me.
See what happens when little Piglets are molested?
It’s just a trick, I’d still tell my mom and dad.
Good, and if someone says they’d hurt your parents if you told?
I’d say good, I hate them.
I wouldn’t believe them, I’d tell.
What if someone says they’ll see and hear everything you say and do?
I’d say you’re one of those motherfuckers from the post office.
Gangs talking to me, aren’t you?
You bugged my house, you touched my dick.
It certainly sounds like the goddamn US government.
It’s just a trick.
I wouldn’t believe it.
I’d still tell anyway.
Like anyone would want to touch you.
Move along, Fugsley Adams.
Somebody says your parents will never love you again if they find out?
No, it’s just a trick.
I’d still tell my parents.
Right again.
What a brown-noser.
Because those threats bad people make are not true.
They’re just tricks.
Oh, sometimes they’re true.
To get you not to tell.
Always tell.
If someone does something you think is wrong.
My daddy does insider trading.
Keep telling and telling.
Someone will believe you.
I’m calling the FBI.
Tell.
Just say, Mom, Dad, that person touched me and it felt wrong.
Are we getting a second molestation song?
The premise is that adults won’t believe children the first, second, third, fourth or fifth time.
I got touched in my no-no spot.
Where did you get an idea like that?
Is this because you were watching SVU with me?
Go wash up for dinner.
No, I was touched.
Cut it out, Cindy.
Stop talking like that.
But I was touched.
You’re grounded.
Well, there you go.
Just a little bit from Winnie The Pooh and Molestation 2.
Let’s move on.
It’s been a while since we’ve checked in with Steven Dawson.
Ding dong, baby.
Here’s the thing.
I don’t know what his actual social media accounts are anymore.
If any of you guys are following him, please send a message to me with his account information because I need to know the second he posts videos.
Because what happens is there’s all these people that repost Steven Dawson videos, and it’s hard to tell when they were actually recorded, if they’re new or if it’s old stuff.
Now I know he’s still around because one of the videos is Shopping With Steven Dawson, which was recorded on January 9th of 2025, so, you know, about a month ago.
To be honest, that particular video isn’t that interesting.
Good evening, everyone.
I thought this was a shopping tutorial.
Yeah, he calls it a shopping tutorial, but he’s not really teaching us anything.
He’s just showing us what he purchased at the grocery store.
He’s done a bunch of these videos.
They’re all like 10 minutes long, and it’s just literally him holding up products.
This is the first one.
There’s loaf of me on a bit.
And sandwich.
There’s a loaf of me on a bit.
I’m a big loafer.
A loaf of bread.
He’s showing us a loaf of bread.
I’m not gonna bother playing any more of that.
I found some other videos though, including one where Steven Dawson pretends to be the Loch Ness Monster.
He wants to impress the Babestation Beauty ladies.
Hi, everyone.
I’m gonna try and do a Loch Ness Monster one.
This is for the Babestation Beauty, which it is, and maybe for Lady Rose as well too.
Toe, toe, ding, dong, bay, bay.
Just a Loch Ness Monster.
No, he’s getting down on all fours and everything.
Now, he’s sort of walking on two feet like a mummy.
The Loch Ness Monster is supposed to be in the water.
But okay, I’m sure the Babestation Beauties are gonna love that.
He’s really giving Frankie McDonald vibes here.
Frankie loves to do impressions as well.
Okay guys, we’re gonna do it.
Guy being chased by a ton of gorillas.
There’s a ton of gorillas after me now.
Well, you’re supposed to be the guy, not the gorillas.
There he is, he’s running away now.
There’s a lot of gorillas after me now.
That certainly sounds like a guy who’s being chased by gorillas.
That’s something he would say.
Holy shit, there’s a bunch of gorillas chasing me.
Good impression.
There’s so many pack of gorillas after me now.
He’s playing all the parts, I guess.
There’s a lot of gorillas after me now.
There’s a ton of it.
Okay, you get the idea.
That’s Frankie McDonald.
I think Frankie’s impression of a guy being chased by gorillas was better than Steven Dawson’s Loch Ness Monster.
Back to Steven Dawson.
Someone accused him on social media of shitting in a storage container.
Steven had to respond to that.
Hi, everyone.
Please do not believe Johnny Greenwood, what he’s saying about me.
He’s a big liar, actually, in order.
He’s saying he’s going to phone the base station beauties up tonight and tell them that I did a poo in Senlek cell storage, which I didn’t anyway, so I’m not that type of person anyway.
I think the only reason why Steven felt compelled to respond to these nasty allegations is because the guy in the note said they were going to contact Babestation.
And, you know, I don’t want pretty to think I’m shitting in storage rooms.
I’m telling you right now, those are not my turds.
I’ve never taken a dump in Senlek storage.
Come on.
Again, I don’t keep up with Steven Dawson like I should.
Again, if I had his social media information, I could really track this motherfucker.
He’s in love with a Babestation, like a cam whore, a cam whore named Pretty, who I think has filed a restraining order against him because he’s so creepy.
I did not shit in Pretty’s driveway.
I would never do that.
I ejaculated in her mailbox.
Get it right.
Anyway, I never been to Sandlick’s sale store, which whatever that place is anyway.
Never been there in my life.
I didn’t do a poo in there anyway.
No, I didn’t.
I didn’t do a poo in the warehouse.
No, I didn’t.
No.
Johnny Green is a complete liar and all that.
I found a couple other videos, one where he received the Quran in the mail and he did not like that.
There’s not really a lot of great audio there, but then someone sent him a pair of Babestation boxer shorts, which he modeled in a video.
Look, me wearing a pair of Babestation, look, see?
See?
If I’ve got it around the right way or not, I don’t know what to show.
He doesn’t know if he has the boxer shorts on backwards or not.
Like, there’s a pouch there in the front for a reason.
They fucking fit me.
Look, see?
I’ve got my buddy smugglers here, buddy smugglers.
These are my buddy smugglers there.
He’s grabbing his crotch.
Look at that, my buddy smugglers.
Do this, everybody.
He is totally going to give us a ding-dong, isn’t he?
This is a sexy video.
Including Valentina Maria.
This Valentina, look, see?
Megan Roxanne and Lady Rose.
Yeah, he’s giving a shout-out to all his favorite Babestation models.
He thinks Babestation actually sent him the boxer shorts.
Hey, hey, hey.
What do you think about this in girls?
What do you think about this in girls?
Look, see?
Yeah, do this.
Oh God, he’s shaking his ass now.
Oh God.
Like this girls, like this.
Oh, and he’s grabbing his hole.
Well, unfortunately for Steven, after he posted this video, he found out that Babestation did not send him the boxer shorts.
Good evening, everyone.
I’m not a happy man, really.
I’ve been completely and utterly fooled.
I thought these shorts, or whatever it is, were from Babestation itself.
Apparently, they wasn’t from Babestation itself.
These are from OG Logic, who had been causing me trouble for, don’t know when it was or something and all that.
Yeah, the trolls sent him the boxer shorts.
They wasn’t from Babestation themselves.
I thought they was, you know.
I mean, it doesn’t really matter who sent the boxer shorts to him, right?
But he’s upset because he thought the cam whores were gifting him this wonderful present.
They wanted to see his package in the boxer shorts or something.
Pretty wants to see my bones, yeah?
I can’t believe it.
I mean, it’s an utterly flaming fool.
I’m a complete failure to everyone.
I’m sorry, but it’s how I’m feeling and all that.
You know, like a lot of Utards, Steven Dawson has that kind of, I don’t know if it’s a vocal tick or something, where he has to say, in all that.
He says that a lot at the end of sentences, in all that, especially when he gets all riled up.
What’s the matter with people anyway?
Online and all that.
They’ve gone round the bend or something, all that.
They’re so hung up with people online.
Ding dong and all that.
So yeah, unfortunately, Steven is not a happy camper.
I’m not having it.
He’s puffy puffy.
Well, there you go.
That’s a Steven Dawson update.
Finally, before we get into the news, I ran across one of those My Strange Addiction episodes.
That was pretty good.
I had to get on Wikipedia and look up the show to see if it was even still on the air.
Like they haven’t been making new episodes since 2015, I think.
Still, I only saw a handful of them.
They kind of follow the same formula as intervention.
You know, where each episode really follows two different people who are addicted to various things, either drugs or, in this case, eating hair or couch cushions or whatever the strange addiction might be.
And it’s funny because in every episode, there’s one that’s like, it’s a really great addiction.
It’s super weird.
It’s like, I’m addicted to piss enemas or, you know, something weird like that.
I eat my husband’s cremated remains.
And then the second story is not so great.
It’s like, you know, it’s a lesser addiction.
It’s the B story.
I sniff gas.
Okay, well, so do millions of other Americans, probably.
I’m addicted to biting my fingernails.
It’s like, oh God.
Just devote the whole hour to the person who’s eating asbestos.
That’s what we want to see.
As a matter of fact, in this episode that I wanted to share with you, here is the lesser addiction.
I’m totally addicted to digging in my ears.
All right, great.
So she takes like tweezers and she pokes and prods inside of her ear.
For what reason?
Who the fuck cares?
I will dig until like I am ripping skin off.
I just get like an immense satisfaction from finding anything.
Sometimes I’ll use like scissors or nail clippers.
Seriously?
Just anything sharp and thin.
I am worried that you will have progressive hearing loss.
See how boring of a story that is?
The doctor is like, eventually you might start to lose your hearing.
I’m worried about progressive hearing loss.
I mean, you’re OK right now.
Your hearing is perfect.
This is not really a high stakes case here.
I’m much more interested in the other addiction featured in this episode.
This addiction comes from a woman who lives in Florence, Alabama.
So probably meth, right?
My name is Bertha.
I’m 23 years old.
I live in Florence, Alabama, and I’m addicted to drinking nail polish.
Oh, you know what’s serious when the dun dun comes.
Her lips are coated in nail polish.
Yeah, she’s already chugging the stuff.
If I get in a fight with my boyfriend, I want to drink nail polish.
Not because she wants to commit suicide or self harm.
It’s just, you know, the stuff tastes good, right?
It’s self-medication.
She drowns her sorrows in nail polish.
If I get in a fight with my boyfriend, I want to drink nail polish.
If I have a bad day at work, I drink a bottle of nail polish.
Are you slurring your words because you’re drunk on nail polish?
If I’m sad, nail polish will get my hopes up.
Or is that just like an Alabama thing?
Birth as addiction began five years ago at a nail salon.
It’s like a bar for her.
The smell I want a shot of Clear Coat.
And how about some InstaDry Sally Hansons?
Keep them coming.
I want the pink plushes and the crimson crushes.
I’m going to get wasted tonight.
It’s interesting because this woman Bertha, sometimes she’ll chug the nail polish.
Other times she will paint her tongue with the nail polish.
The polish became so enticing, Bertha couldn’t resist the urge to taste it.
I don’t know what went through my mind, but I licked the whole polish off my nail and I liked it.
Since then, Bertha’s addiction to nail polish has intensified.
Now she drinks about five bottles every day.
Now nail polish bottles are small, but I’m guessing if you ingest the stuff, five bottles is a lot.
This bitch is so stupid.
I bet you she goes to the doctor and the doctor is going to be like, you know, this nail polish is killing you.
You’re going to die if you keep drinking it.
And she’s going to be like, that’s okay.
I’ll just drink nail polish remover.
It’ll be like it never happened.
Boom, problem solved, asshole.
I have no idea what’s in nail polish, so I did a Google search.
It sounds scary.
Lead, for instance, is in nail polish.
Probably not a lot of lead, but, again, she’s drinking five bottles a day.
That lead adds up.
Nitrocellulose, pigments, plasticizers, resins, solvent extenders, formaldehyde.
I’m pretty sure it’s not good to drink that.
Then a bunch of other things that I’m not even going to try to pronounce here.
There’s actually different ways how I drink nail polish.
Zipping it, taking a shot out of it, licking the nail polish brush.
The color makes it taste different.
My favorite one is blue.
It’s like a glittery blue.
Every polish that has glitter is my favorite.
It’s hard to understand her, again.
I think she’s a little brain dead at this point.
She said every nail polish that has glitter is her favorite.
When I drink it, I think I’m shining through my stomach and shining on the outside.
Okay, she’s just, she’s, she’s flat out retarded.
I’m sorry.
This is a grown ass woman who’s like, nail polish makes my tummy sparkle.
That makes me shine on the outside.
If I drink the color once it gets on my teeth, then I have to get a q-tip polish remover and just remove it.
And there’s video of her brushing her teeth with nail polish remover.
That can’t be good, dentally speaking.
It was awful, but I had to take the nail polish off.
I think she’s crazy.
It’s dangerous.
Nail polish is dangerous.
That’s Bertha’s mom named Sunshine.
Bertha drinks nearly 18 ounces of nail polish every week.
When I drink the nail polish, it’s kind of slimy.
It burns your throat, your stomach, but it feels good.
What you’re feeling are cancerous tumors being formed in your stomach.
They tingle.
It keeps about 50 bottles of nail polish stashed throughout her house and spends about $75 a week on her addiction.
If I don’t have nail polish, I go crazy.
I tried it one whole day.
I couldn’t.
She would do anything to get nail polish.
She’ll steal.
She’ll take my polish, her sister’s polish, anything.
Sunshine tries to get Bertha to stop drinking nail polish.
She wants to throw it all away.
Give me the polish, Bertha.
No, I’m throwing it away, Bertha.
Bertha, stop.
No, you have to stop.
She doesn’t care if it hurts or not, and I don’t know what else to do.
She needs to get help.
I feel ashamed of myself.
Well, you should.
It’s a really dumb addiction.
That should be the name of this TV show, My Dumb Addiction.
There are just so many better ways to get high, you know?
I got to see how this all plays out.
Like, what happens at the end?
Is there a treatment center she can go to?
Bertha’s mother has convinced her to get help.
But even at the doctor’s office, she can’t resist the urge to dig a drink.
She got to take the edge off, you know?
She goes gulp gulp.
I took a zip of my polish because that will take my anxious away.
No polish.
It takes the anxious away.
Ting.
Well, the doctor tries to get through to her by stating the fucking obvious, you know, like, there are bad things in nail polish that will make you sick.
Your liver is all fucked up.
In the end, we find out that Bertha is still battling her addiction to nail polish, but she has started to see a therapist shortly after her doctor’s appointment.
So that’s the last we heard from Bertha.
It’s funny, I tried to do a Google search to see if maybe this woman is on TikTok now, get some sort of update, see how she’s doing.
And, you know, when you search for stuff now, there’s an AI overview that pops up, right?
Artificial Intelligence is fucking everywhere.
In this case, it says, there is not much information about Bertha from TLC’s My Strange Addiction.
But here’s some information about the show.
And then it gives some examples of strange addictions.
A young woman who is addicted to tanning and sneaks into tanning salons.
See, that’s a B story.
That’s not going to be the primary focus of that episode, just like the woman who’s picking at her ear.
And then the other example is a young woman who is obsessed with eating household cleaner.
See, that’s better.
They need to bring that show back.
I’m ready for more strange addictions.
Alright, and with that, let’s get into the crazy bizarre twisted and fucked up news.
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One last promo code for you guys.
Use coupon code TIMESUP and save 15% on your order.
Make sure to get those orders in now because again, the store will be closing later this week.
All right, three very quick stories, then we’ll get the hell out of here.
First up, we got one from Utah.
In Salt Lake City, law enforcement officials have taken a Utah man into custody in connection with the shooting death of his friend.
Now usually, the way these stories go is, the friends get into an argument and that’s when the guns come out.
Alcohol tends to be involved.
That is not what happened in this story.
That’s what makes it so special.
There’s that DV twist coming up here.
Authorities report that 23-year-old Ashton Mann is now facing charges that include felony manslaughter following his arrest over the weekend.
The Unified Police Department responded to a residence in the Kerns area after receiving a report of a man with a gunshot wound to the chest, which is one of the worst places to get a gunshot wound, so I hear.
It’s like number one head, number two chest.
Head and chest might actually tie for number one.
Unfortunately, this guy was shot in the chest.
When first responders arrived, they found the victim unresponsive on the floor, although he was quickly transported to a local hospital.
He was later pronounced dead.
Investigators stated that Mann told them that he and his friend had been smoking marijuana.
Pot tends to lead to some amazing ideas, right?
So, they were smoking marijuana around 8 p.m.
on the night of the incident.
The two were initially discussing firearms in the kitchen before moving into the garage.
While handling handguns in the garage, the friend reportedly claimed that he could dodge a bullet.
Motherfucker thought he was Neo.
You know, you do that thing where he sort of like leans back and then time slows down, and then the camera spins around him to see bullets whizzing past him.
That’s not exactly what happened.
According to man’s account, after they unloaded the weapons, one of the guns discharged unexpectedly, hitting his friend in the chest as he tried to avoid the bullet.
Okay, I’m calling bullshit on that story.
It doesn’t even make sense.
He’s like, we unloaded the guns, well, we thought we did and then one accidentally discharged and then my friend tried to dodge the bullet.
No, if you thought the gun didn’t have any bullets in it and the gun went off, you don’t have any time to dodge the bullet, right?
That’s not even like in your thinking.
Like it’s like, boom, you’re dead.
There’s no time to think, oh, I gotta get out of the way.
There’s a bullet coming my way.
No, what happened was this.
These idiots were high and this guy was like, I can dodge bullets.
And the friend was like, what the fuck are you talking about?
You can’t dodge a bullet.
Let’s try, you fire a gun at me and I’ll dodge.
So, you know, now he’s preparing to dodge the bullet.
I’m gonna jump out of the way.
And that’s exactly what this guy said.
You know, he’s like, he told police after, you know, he lied and said they unloaded the guns.
But then, you know, one of the guns ended up firing and struck the friend in the chest while he was trying to quote, jump out of the way.
It certainly sounds like these two morons set up an experiment to see if one of the friends could jump out of the way or dodge bullets or whatever.
Authorities said they found the two handguns in question at home, along with ammunition and drug paraphernalia.
Officials did not immediately identify the man who was killed.
Second story we have for you today.
You know, I’m always reading these stories about big dicks, guys who say they have the world’s largest shlong or research and surveys comparing the dick sizes of countries across the world.
This story I have for you today is a nice change of pace.
We’re going to talk about a tiny dick.
A man who is comfortable now with his micro penis.
Good for you.
So brave, right?
A 36-year-old man from the UK has openly addressed his condition of having a micro penis measuring just 2.9 inches when erect and insists it has never been a source of embarrassment.
Well, have you had sex with a woman yet?
If so, how many ladies?
One of them had to have at least snickered when she saw it, or gave you an, aww, it’s okay, you know?
He also says it has not hindered his personal relationships.
Medical research from the MI Normal study indicates the average erect penis length is approximately 5.16 inches, with only 5% exceeding 6.3 inches.
Despite these figures, the Hereford Resident maintains that his size does not define his masculinity or his ability to enjoy a fulfilling sex life.
Well, that tiny thing may affect your partner’s ability to enjoy a fulfilling sex life, but I don’t know if the journalist interviewed her, or if she was even willing to be a part of this.
She’s off in the corner crying, sobbing uncontrollably.
According to the news story, the man recalled that he was aware his penis was below average even before joining the army.
During his service, he faced teasing from fellow soldiers, jokes that he says were all in good fun and never meant to be hurtful.
He noted that while the comments about his size were frequent, he also responded with humor, and the banter eventually became a source of amusement rather than a cause for concern.
Apparently, he lost his virginity at the age of 16.
He claims his partner was unaware of any issue down there.
Maybe she was a virgin at the time, too, and she had nothing to compare it to.
In subsequent relationships, he has chosen to be upfront about his condition.
Hi, my name is Jake.
I have a tiny dick.
I’m just preparing you.
It’s pretty shocking when I pull these pants down.
I appreciate that, though.
If it’s in the normal range, you don’t have to mention it.
But if it’s absurdly large or absurdly small, it’s nice to get a heads up there.
As a matter of fact, I hope he includes this in his Tinder profile.
Why not just get it right out of the way?
That would be my username, Shrinky Dink UK.
His current partner, 33-year-old Penny, reportedly embraces his natural attributes, and the couple enjoys a healthy and satisfying sex life.
Says who?
The man also highlights that intimacy is not solely about penetration.
He emphasized that focusing on foreplay, care, and mutual satisfaction plays a crucial role.
Well, yeah, you gotta focus on that.
That’s all you got.
And I bet you do a lot of tongue stuff too.
While he does have to purchase smaller condoms for a proper fit, he considers this a minor inconvenience compared to the benefits of protection and comfort.
Guy sounds like a real dork.
Earlier in live, a surgical consultation for fluid around his testicles confirmed that his development was below average, with only marginal growth expected.
Despite suggestions from some that he might consider a penis enlargement procedure, he has consistently declined any surgical intervention, citing the potential risks and his overall satisfaction with his health and performance.
When questioned about whether his condition might be hereditary, he noted that his two older brothers, aged 38 and 40, both have normally sized penises.
It’s just poor Jake, he got the short end of the dick.
Now retired from active work due to PTSD, linked to not his tiny dick, but his time in Afghanistan.
There’s just been so much trauma in this man’s life.
One thing after another.
He previously worked in physically demanding roles such as construction.
He stated that his career was never defined by his body image, and he’s always embraced his identity, choosing comfort and practicality in his attire.
What the fuck is this new story going on about?
I like to wear comfortable and baggy clothing.
No slim straights for me.
No, no, no, no, no.
I’m not a skinny jean guy.
Just give me some regular boot cuts.
Like what?
I don’t…
Who cares?
So bizarre.
I’m starting to think every new story is written by AI.
It just goes off the rails at the end there.
All right.
Final story we have for you.
A 19-year-old health care worker from Georgia.
How the fuck do you become a health care worker at the age of 19?
You just graduated high school last year.
You can’t be a nurse.
I mean, I know there are other types of health care workers, but still, 19 years old?
Of course she’s doing some screwy shit with disabled people.
Spoiler.
A 19-year-old health care worker from Georgia is now facing felony charges after a TikTok video surfaced in which she is seen dancing provocatively atop the head of a disabled person.
Well, specifically, she’s twerking.
She’s twerking on this disabled person’s head.
I hope that’s not part of his disability, like there’s head trauma or something.
That can’t possibly help.
Lucretia Kormasa Coyen, a resident of Loganville, has been charged with exploiting a disabled individual following the circulation of the video on social media.
The footage, which Coyen is alleged to have filmed and posted herself, shows her wearing scrubs and a stethoscope.
I’m a doctor!
As she performs a twerking dance over a seated person.
Like not just a seated person.
At first I thought the person was dead, like comatose or something.
Like this is a severely disabled person.
Take a look at the featured image over there at distortedview.com and superfreaksideview.com.
I made a little animated gif of the action.
The Loganville Police Department initiated an investigation after being notified about the video, which quickly gained viral status on January 23rd of this year.
We received information about a video circulating online that depicted a woman dancing in a suggestive manner over a disabled person, a department spokesperson said.
Coyenne has been booked on felony charges for the exploitation of a disabled individual under state law and is currently being held at Walton County Jail.
Authorities are also examining reports that suggest Coyenne may have recorded additional footage.
I think she was trying to start a trend.
This was going to be a whole series of videos for her.
I found my niche.
Dirty dancing on the heads of disabled people.
It’s called the Riri Challenge.
And it’s sweeping across social media.
In response to the mounting criticism, Coyenne released a video on which she claimed that the disabled person involved had indicated they felt, quote, very aware and comfortable with her actions.
However, this statement has not mitigated public outrage.
Loganville Police Chief Dick Lowry condemned the incident, stating, When I saw the video, the only word that comes to mind is disgusting.
Exploiting a disabled person for personal attention on social media, which is kind of what I do on a daily basis, playing clips and making fun.
Well, this person says it’s utterly unacceptable.
What a prude, right?
Dork.
Chief Lowry also confirmed that the investigation is ongoing, with authorities reviewing whether other individuals might have been similarly exploited.
Additional details suggest that Coyen may have been employed by an in-home adult daycare service, though her current licensing status remains under review.
As the investigation proceeds, police are working to determine if there are any further victims associated with her conduct.
So there you go.
That’s what’s happening in your world today, freaks.
Let’s do a couple voicemails and get the hell out of here.
All right, I love to hear from you freaks, and there are many ways to contact the show.
Show at distortedview.com.
I’m all over social media at Distorted View on Twitter and Instagram, facebook.com/distortedviewshow.
I’m also on Blue Sky and threads.
Very easy to find me.
Just posted a new video on our TikTok channel, by the way, at DV Daily.
This one’s a little bit different.
It is not just a video from a segment of the podcast that I recorded.
This is a brand new piece.
I found a bunch of safe for work videos on Pornhub.
And I thought that was kind of funny.
There’s like this growing trend of people just posting clean content.
And I featured three or four of those clips.
That’s up on YouTube right now.
Make sure you are subscribed to all of our channels over there.
I don’t even know how many we have now.
All right, let’s see what you freaks are up to.
Hey Tim, it’s Greg from Austin.
Sorry, I’m calling twice.
I wanted to correct something that I said in my free.
It doesn’t matter.
So two things real quick.
The guy that was complaining about you not giving him credit for reading the five star ads on Apple Podcast.
Tim used to do that back in 2006, 2007.
I didn’t even know Apple Podcast was a thing back in 2006 or 2007.
Or iTunes.
I guess that was probably when iTunes launched their thing, right?
So, fuck, Candidum, you did that before.
Yeah.
I don’t blame you for not remembering it.
But yeah, you used to do that.
I’ve been listening long enough to remember it.
Second thing about the UFC fighter guy talking about the Nazis and Hitler pushed back against the queers queering up Germany.
The funny thing about that is a lot of the earliest members of the Nazi party were actually gay.
Jesus Christ, really?
Well, if there’s one thing I know about homosexuals, we’ve got very bad judgment.
So that tracks.
One of the highest ranking members of the Nazi party was gay and one of Hitler’s best friends.
The Nazis ended up hurting on him 100%.
But in the early days of the Nazi party, when they were just getting started out in Bavaria, a lot of their earliest members were disaffected gay young men in southern Germany.
So yeah, the public education system really did fail that guy.
Well, to be fair, he may have learned that in school.
The problem is he’s a UFC fighter, so that information could have been just knocked right out.
To me, what’s going on is a side show member, Patreon freak, LubeJob.
Happy New Year, brother.
Happy New Year.
Wanted to respond or comment on a couple of things from today’s show.
First of all, every time you play that jokey Elizabeth Arden fake perfume commercial, it reminds me these old goof commercials from the morning show on WDVE from Pittsburgh back in the early 90s.
They’re absolutely hilarious.
One’s called Cee Cee’s and the other is called Jizz.
I just sent you an email with links to some YouTube videos that happened.
So take a listen.
They still make me laugh.
The other thing was you’re talking about wings and I share all of your frustrations with wings.
Oh, chicken wings, yeah.
Why don’t they just try and breed boneless chickens?
Well, check this out.
There’s an old Italian kind of exploitative slasher movie from the late 60s, early 70s, called Death Layed An Egg.
And central point of the plot was that this chicken farm was trying to breed boneless chickens.
So check it out, man.
Anyway, thanks for another great week.
I sure think we do keep it up.
Thank you very much.
That was my idea, right?
Let’s breed boneless chickens.
So I found this guy’s email where he talks about the commercials.
Sometimes I just can’t wait.
The raven.
He likes to fly to your hair so sweet.
Ejaculati presents a new fragrance.
Ejaculati.
That is pretty funny.
It presents a new fragrance.
Jizz.
Look.
Well, I could do without those weird sound effects.
Look.
I made this for you.
Jizz.
Men make it.
Sirens are sounding.
The time is near.
Jizz.
This has never happened to me before.
Men Wear It from E.
Jock Ullate.
That’s my favorite part of the bed is the name of the company, E.
Jock Ullate.
Hey, Timmy Goon.
Little baby faggot.
I went ahead and ordered some more filament in the right colors to print out some…
You’re going to make me some more dildos?…
new DV-related things to send to you.
I have sent you my address in the past via Facebook.
Yeah, it was Facebook Messenger, but I can send it again if that will work for you.
Yeah, if you want to send filament, that’s great.
That’s just that much more stuff I’m going to print and send to you.
I don’t understand how filament works.
Can you use any type of filament?
I know there’s different letters, like PET or APL, or different…
Does it matter?
Let me know what you want to do.
In the meantime, I’ve got to start designing some DV-related logos type stuff to 3D print in multicolor.
I’ve been doing some work on my setup at my house so that I can more efficiently use my printers.
I’ve got them in a hutch so that they’re…
Yeah, I still have your DV balls here I want to give away as prizes next time we do…
We haven’t done any contests or anything recently.
I can run them in the same room while I’m working and then the noise isn’t bothersome.
So I’ve got all that stuff done and I am almost done with the full setup.
I got a few more little things to tweak today and then I’m going to get back to printing.
I do have some filament already on order.
Getting a whole 3D printing update from this guy.
Well, thank you very much.
Yes, I can’t wait to see what you come up with next.
Let’s do one more call here.
To goo, Timmy Boo, a boneless doughnut.
I recently re-signed up for the sideshow again.
I think this is my 15th time.
I’m not good with finances.
This is a boneless doughnut.
I was going to say, they’re subscriptions, so you don’t have to cancel and sign up, cancel and sign up.
You can just keep it signed up.
I haven’t mentioned that.
But yes, if it’s a finance issue.
Tim, I know you’re coming up on your 20th anniversary.
I started listening to this.
This is a regular call, not a Patreon call.
December 2007.
Wow.
I got an iPod and I was like, man, let’s see what these podcasts are about.
Yeah, rocking your Nano.
Distorted View and the Smodcast were the first two podcasts I downloaded.
Smodcast still around?
And you’re the only one I still listen to.
Kevin Smith has got a little long winded since he started smoking pot and got skinny.
So don’t do either one of those two things.
That’s what happens when you get skinny.
You think people want to hear your every opinion.
You’re brilliant.
Wise.
But yeah, one of the highlights of my life coming up on the 20th anniversary is during your 15th anniversary song, you mentioned me in the song as one of the freaks and I was super, super happy about it and I actually saved it.
I sang a song with your name in it.
I don’t even remember the 15th anniversary.
I can’t.
I’m surprised we did anything special for it.
So thanks.
It takes so much work.
Right, Tim.
And I love you.
Here’s another 20.
Well, if I did, I’m glad I did because you are a great listener, a fine listener.
That is all the time we have on this edition of the show.
I want you guys to e-mail me.
showmydistortedview.com.
distortedview.com is our official website.
Voicemail on for you 2066664463.
That’s 206666.
Oh, God, is it?
Oh, God.
If you touch me again, I’ll tell my dad.
Spread the distortion, STD.
Tell all your friends about the show.
Don’t forget to give us a five star rating, a thumbs up or like wherever you can rate and review podcasts.
Tomorrow’s episode is going to be sideshow exclusive.
If you want to hear it, you got to sign up.
Go to distortedview.com right now.
Get that squared away.
Otherwise, I will see you back on Friday.
Until then, have a great day.
Bye, everybody.
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