On Today’s Show:
Emotional Support Beverage asked for a replay of DV from August 30, 2013—the one with Tim’s drunk-lady rant and a Vianetta aside for the ages. Tim opens with context on the long, weird history of the fancy-not-fancy ice-cream loaf (MIA in the U.S. back then; back on shelves in the late 2010s—availability varies), then rolls the tape.
Cold Open / Trailer Trash
- Blaxploitation trailer: Dark Town Strutters
- Tim riffs on the genre’s naming “rules” and pitches new titles (on purpose over the line—classic DV bit).
Main Bits (2013 episode)
- Apocalypse Sounds? Nah, Trains.
Viral “sky trumpets” from small-town British Columbia → Tim debunks with rail yard audio and launches the book series no one asked for: “Mysteries of the Easily Explainable.” - Raymond 14 → Raymond 20 check-in.
Graduated… from something. New bedtime: 2:50 a.m. Tim prescribes “even retards need a schedule” (yeah, it’s DV) before things get serial-killer-adjacent. - Backless-hoodie horndog.
A new Tonetta-tier weirdo: drag, lash bricks, public foot-filming, and lots of whispered “I have to come now.” Tim vows to post the video and pursue an interview. - Turn It Up (suicide-awareness) campaign.
“One million minutes of noise” = Tim imagining getting spit-hooded out of Walmart for banging pots in line. - Song Roast: Big Sean ft. Nicki Minaj — “Dance (A$$)”
From ass, ass, ass to “kiss my ass and my anus,” Tim begrudgingly crowns it DV’s unofficial theme while coining “top cunt.”
News That Will Rot Your Soul
- Texas: 74-year-old found on a couch in excrement, covered in ants. Adult Protective Services looped in; Tim wonders why the neighborhood watch has to become a squalor-spotting squad.
- Bakersfield, CA: Man with a ~200-lb abdominal tumor (fibrous, vascular) starts multi-stage removal; hospitals couldn’t even fit it in an MRI. Tim: “Only 170 lbs to go!”
- Spartanburg, SC: Melissa Nava, blackout drunk, calls a deputy “Justin Bieber,” spits, earns a spit hood and charges (disorderly + bodily fluids). Tim imagines Vianetta at a rodeo and breaks himself.
Voicemails / Community Circus
- Dominant older male wanted: “submissive nasty ____ with no limits” leaves Tim considering a very special first lunch date.
- Panty politics: Straight male freaks salty that RoyKillerWar keeps getting underwear tributes.
- DV social layer: Tim previews new distortedview.com with profiles, DMs, and groups (NSFW links, Linda Finkel HoF, etc.).
- From-Nowhere, Alberta: Lonely dude seeks Lady Freaks; Tim’s working on making the meet-cute possible.
- Naughty Nipples (Near-Dead Adjacent): Life-insurance bequest idea: $10k to DV if he croaks. Tim: morally conflicted… but not that conflicted.
- RoyKillerWar on TV: People’s Court taping; Tim coaches maximum Roy—“be yourself” (and maybe breakfast on drugs). Hopes for a DV shout-out; wardrobe can’t advertise.
- Spiral Hamfucker: Drive-by about Gaga art, Eminem, and mustard sandwiches—because DV.
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