On Today’s Show:
Tim opens with a fresh intro explaining why you’re getting a classic instead of a new show:
- Weekend trip to visit his mom in Ashtabula turns into a rental car disaster
- Stranded with a busted rental, five-hour delay, and useless Enterprise locations
- Learns only airport rental counters are open on weekends
- Forced to drive home in a bright cherry red Kia Soul that doesn’t fit a 6’2″ man or his ego
- Promises a new DV episode later in the afternoon, but for now serves up a filthy Best Of from 2016 featuring an Abraham Lincoln Sextastic Tuesday
We then jump back to Tuesday, March 8, 2016, Sideshow-era Sextastic Tuesday.
Opening / Twitter & Period Blood
- Tim rants that Twitter is only good for yelling at companies, citing his Chipotle burrito bowl saga
- Reads a curated stream of disgusting sex tweets about period blood, wrecked pussies, and weird-smelling dicks to set the Sextastic mood
Diva Cup Slam Poetry
- Plays a performance piece about Diva Cups and “pussy blood collections”
- Poets lovingly describe pouring menstrual blood into a “chalice” and even rubbing it on a boyfriend’s dick
- Tim pushes back: bodies are gross, blood is gross, genitals are gross — please keep all that to yourself
Sextastic Clips: Tourette’s & Teeny Peenies
- Tourette’s porn: schoolgirl with Tourette’s shouting obscene phrases as her “spasms” conveniently slam her face into dick territory
- Chubby “sweet boy” porn: a massive, hairy man gets humiliating baby talk about his “little peenie” while his gut is lifted to find his dick, all set to bizarre children’s-style background music
Sextastic Story: Abraham Lincoln Presidential Fuck Machine
Feature-length erotic fanfic starring Abraham Lincoln with magic cum:
- Abe wakes in 1863 with a raging erection and an itchy seven-point star birthmark on his thigh
- Skips Mary Todd and gets serviced by maid Martha, who deep-throats his nine-inch “birch rod” while he calmly sips tea and eats biscuits
- Later, Japanese emissary Takeyoshi reveals Lincoln is a chosen shinobi whose power comes from his loins
- A super-charged orgasm blasts through the White House wall and across the sky like a cum comet
- Abe then lubes up with breakfast butter, rails the ninja, and joins in a multi-man cabinet fuck session as everyone services everyone else
- Lincoln’s “powers” manifest through gigantic loads and a convulsing ninja asshole
Sponsor
- AdamAndEve.com spot:
- Use coupon code FREAK for 10 free gifts + free shipping
- Tim begs you to buy smut and support DV
News
- China Elevator Horror
- Woman dies trapped in a shut-down elevator; body discovered a month later
- Scratch marks inside show she tried to escape; Tim imagines the smell and rats.
- Punch-Your-Husband Women’s Day Event (China)
- Husbands dress as padded human punching bags so wives can sock them for “forgiveness” and empowerment.
- Texas School Board Nut – Mary Lou Bruner
- Leading candidate believes:
- Obama financed a drug habit as a male prostitute
- School shootings started after evolution was taught
- Dinosaurs rode out the flood on Noah’s Ark and died later
- Climate change is a Marxist hoax
- Tim notes she’s clearly insane, but also that the article about her is not exactly neutral.
- Leading candidate believes:
Voicemails & Odds & Ends
- Listener Elizabeth asks for a Richard Simmons birthday drop; Tim plays an ultra-creepy “Happy Birthday” clip for her.
- Multiple freaks call about WhiteGuysFartInMyFace appearing on Tosh.0 months after DV covered him.
- One listener insists Crystal Pepsi actually tasted good; Tim admits he liked it too.
- Tim urges the Freak Army to pressure Tony’s to sell school-style Fiestada Mexican pizzas in normal grocery packs instead of bulk to schools.
- Mentions revamping his old soda blog FizzledOut.com and wanting to post more beverage nostalgia.
- Plays an old Pokémon parody sketch at the end where a cute kitty Pokémon gets annihilated by a giant bear.
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