On Today’s Show:
Distorted View Daily Show Notes – Monday, December 8, 2025
Host: Tim Henson
Episode type: Free show / Adult comedy podcast / NSFW bizarre news, internet weirdos & Christmas misery
It’s the start of the 12 Deals of Distorted View Daily and Tim is kicking off the holidays by dangling promo codes in front of your dead eyes so you don’t blow your brains out before Christmas dinner.
In this episode, Tim:
- Announces all four versions of “I Don’t Know” are now on Spotify, Apple Music, and other streaming services, including:
- Tomoki Hensouni Super Flower Pop Go kawaii J-pop
- Elmer Whalen’s country version
- Tainted Broth’s heavy take
- Zenrhyna Bricklayer’s version of “I Don’t Know”
- Previews a new “dead fat Hawaiian ukulele” work-in-progress track in the spirit of Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow/“What a Wonderful World” medley – but with way more ass and cum talk, obviously.
Segment 1: Will Blunderfield’s Canadian Five-Skin & Anal Gland Love
Tim checks back in with Will Blunderfield, who is:
- Bragging about his “Canadian five-skin” and the special stink trapped underneath
- Brewing toilet “lemonade”, sniffing foreskin piss, and musing about wearing his own bowel scent as perfume
- Explaining why sniffing, licking and rubbing your “hummus cannon” against another dude is the “most heterosexual thing in the universe” as long as you don’t cum
- Insisting he’s not gay while describing dates with “beautiful hairy French dudes” who want his unwashed foreskin
If you like piss, pits, poop, and delusion disguised as “lineage work,” this segment is for you.
Segment 2: Jesse Lee Peterson, Hispanics, Trump & Epstein Island
Next up, Tim dives into fresh clips from Jesse Lee Peterson:
- Jesse claims “most Hispanics” are dishonest thieves who say “oh, señor” while stealing construction equipment
- Argues he doesn’t care about the Epstein files, because “it was their party and they can party if they want to” – even if that party involves underage girls
- Measures whether people are “noble” solely by whether they “love Donald Trump”
- Somehow maintains a huge right-wing audience despite sounding like a man who can barely operate his own saliva
Tim compares the allegations against Jesse Lee (preying on vulnerable ex-addicts) with his indifference toward Epstein, and wonders how anyone hears this and thinks, “Yes, this is my guy.”
Segment 3: “Bussy” Talk with Thursday Lane
Tim checks in with Thursday Lane, who has just discovered:
- “Bussy” = boy pussy, something Distorted View has been screaming about for decades
- He’s inventing phrases like “you so bussy” and dreaming up a Disney Channel-style sitcom called “That’s So Bussy” starring a psychic twink with a BBL
- Threatens to keep himself “so bussy” that your parents and grandparents will fantasize about tasting his “front or back or both”
It’s pure thirsty chaos.
Segment 4: Pantone’s “Cloud Dancer” – Color of the Year or White Supremacist Beige?
Tim breaks down the online outrage over Pantone naming Cloud Dancer (an off-white shade) as the 2026 Color of the Year:
- Twitter/TikTok activists insist white/neutral minimalism is “a dog whistle” and “primetime Klan shit”
- Some claim white interiors and minimalist design are inherently racist because they “erase culture”
- Tim notes Pantone previously picked “Mocha Moose” (a brown tone) with zero racial discourse and suspects Pantone is rage-baiting on purpose to get attention
- Slides in real-life sadness about his own kitchen renovation hell: endless white countertops, discontinued slabs, porcelain vs quartz, ugly vintage tile, subfloor nightmares, and dogs literally eating chunks of the kitchen floor
Segment 5: Virtual Kidnapping Scams & Elderly Parents Falling for AI Videos
In the news portion, Tim covers:
- The FBI warning about “virtual kidnapping” scams, where criminals:
- Use AI/Photoshop to fake photos of your kids chained up or thrown in a van
- Grab images from social media and demand quick ransom via text
- Often ask for payment in gift cards and other untraceable methods
- The advice to set a family “code word” to confirm real emergencies
- Tim’s mom falling for every ridiculous AI video she sees on TikTok, including fake dogs dancing the Macarena and AI clips of Tim on Hollywood Squares
Segment 6: Meth Deposit at the Bank Drive-Thru (Ohio, Of Course)
Finally, a festive story from Ohio:
- A man accidentally sends a bag of meth through a bank’s pneumatic tube instead of his paperwork
- Bank staff discover the “crystal-like substance” and call police
- Deputies track him down, find more drugs, and arrest him
- The sheriff trolls with a PSA reminding people they can drop off drugs at the sheriff’s office for safe disposal instead of using the drive-thru
12 Deals of Distorted View Daily – Today’s Promo Code
To keep you from ending it all before Christmas, Tim launches the 12 Deals of Distorted View Daily:
- Today only:
- Grab the new Distorted View phone case (fits major iPhones, Google Pixel, Samsung Galaxy models)
- Use promo code CONDOM at checkout and take $5 off
- Available now at shop.distortedview.com in the “Fun Stuff” category
Think of it as a cell phone prophylactic with the DV logo plastered all over it.
Support Distorted View Daily
Help keep this NSFW comedy freak show going:
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show@distortedview.comand get your own custom listener sponsorship segment
If you’re into gross audio, bizarre internet people, offensive jokes, weird news and listener voicemails, Distorted View Daily is the deeply wrong holiday tradition you’ve been waiting for.
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Podcast: Download
AI Transcript (There Will Be Errors)
Tim Henson
Hey, freaks. Today is the start of the 12 deals of Distorted View Daily. Every single episode from now until Christmas, I’ll have a new promo code for you to use in the Distorted View store. So make sure to keep listening for your chance to save big. Today’s promo code will be announced later on in the episode. Remember, the promo code is only valid for 24 hours. So go to shop.distortedview.com as soon as you hear it and spend. Spend! SPEND!
AUDIO
Hey assholes, get some DV gear. Well lucky for you, the store’s new this year. Sweatshirts, drinkwear, an anime pillow you can fuck anywhere. Distorted views, the first place to always find some dumb stupid shit. It’s all in the DV store. Come shop the DV store this year. It’s Christmas!
Tim Henson
Five breaks, it’s Monday, December 8th, 2025. Coming up on the program today, you know you’re in love when you release anal gland juices. Plus, keeping yourself all bussied up. 2026’s color of the year is a straight-up neo-Nazi. And old people falling for bad AI videos of their children being taken hostage.
AUDIO
The first Noel the angels did say Was to certain poor shepherds in fields as they lay In fields where they lay Keeping their sheep on a cold winter’s night that was so deep. Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel. Born is the King of Israel. They looked up and saw a star Shining in the east beyond and far And to the earth it gave great light And so it continued both day and night Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel. Born is the King of Israel. Born is the King of Israel. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, everybody. It’s Distorted View Daily with Tim Henson.
Tim Henson
Yes, Tim back here with you to start a new week of programs. Got a great one for you today. We begin with some exciting news. All four versions of “AHHHHHH NOW!” are officially available on Spotify and Apple Music, not to mention countless other streaming services. If the songs aren’t there yet, they are coming, including Zenrhyna Bricklayer’s version of “I Don’t Know.”
AUDIO
Was this all a nice sweet dream where you made my pussy cream?
Tim Henson
Tainted Broth’s version of “I Don’t Know” is also live.
AUDIO
live. They join the Tomoki Hensouni Super Flower Pop Go Edition Japanese Kauai version.
Tim Henson
And of course, Elmer Whalen’s Country Edition.
AUDIO
Was this all a nice sweet dream where you made my pussy cream, cream, cream.
Tim Henson
Make sure you listen to them all repeatedly. Add them to your favorites. Better yet, They make a perfect addition to your holiday mix. You know, like when you have family come over for Christmas dinner. You’ve got Spotify playing Christmas songs. Just sneak in a version of Out Now and record how your family responds. I’d love to see that. You know, as if there’s not enough versions of this stupid song. My good friend Joey messaged me. He was driving home. By the way, the best ideas come when you’re just by yourself on a long drive. That’s how I came up with the tit flip. You know, the bra for your back fat. Yes, Victoria’s Secret’s corporate threw me out when I demanded a meeting and pitched the tit flip, but that’s okay. One of these days, it’s going to storm the market. I should go on Shark Tank. A real visionary will see the value of my product. Anyway, back to Joey. He was driving and he said, oh my God, I got the greatest idea for you. You should do a version of the song in the style of that Hawaiian singer. The Hawaiian singer who does the ukulele version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow. And I thought that was such a good idea. I had to mess around. Now, you know, when you try to make a song sound like another artist, you can’t use that artist name because it’s going to be like, it’s going to throw up like copyright flags and everything. So I tried my very best. It’s not a one-to-one facsimile, but I think it kind of gets the spirit of Israel somewhere over the rainbow slash what a wonderful world medley feel to it. I’m still tweaking. It’s a work in progress, but here’s a little bit of what I’ve been able to come up with. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Hmm.
AUDIO
Six o’clock in the morning. The sun is rising outside my window. You’re not laying beside me. You’re going.
Tim Henson
Right, it’s kind of got that feel to it. It’s slow and just really a ukulele being played I like that. That’s the only time though that his voice goes up really high is when he says ass I’d like more of that
AUDIO
I want you to leak inside of me. Take my con with your man me. Oh, it kind of goes up there too.
Tim Henson
Yeah. Yeah, so that’s just a little bit of the dead fat Hawaiian ukulele version. If I do end up posting it on Spotify, that’s what I will call it. I’m sure that won’t receive any backlash. But anyway, that’s what I’ve been working on. Check out all the different versions of…
AUDIO
Ah! No!
Tim Henson
I still think we’ve got a shot in charting with this song. You know, especially that country version. I’m not saying it’s going to reach number one on the Billboard Hot Country Charts or whatever the fuck it’s called. But I’d be tickled if we cracked the top 200. You guys can make it happen. I don’t ask for much. Make this little boy’s dream come true. Thank you. All right, listen. I do have a bunch of great audio to share with you today. Our boy Will Blunderfield is back in full force and in full four skin. He’s very proud of what he calls his Canadian five skin. It’s so long. The four skin is so droopy and hangs over his shroom head. He calls it a five skin. Anyway, he was feeling unwell for a while, so he wasn’t posting a lot. But I think it’s safe to say he’s all better now.
AUDIO
So I just made some beautiful lemonade in the toilet. And I’m just pulling back my foreskin. I also had a nice little workout. So all the beautiful pheromones combined with the piss stuck underneath my Canadian five skin. I’m just smelling.
Tim Henson
Uncut dick and hot musty piss. Can we bottle that scent or turn it into a candle or something? And this is a great thing to do if you don’t want to actually drink your lemonade. That’s crazy talk. Who doesn’t want to guzzle down their own urine?
AUDIO
Just smell the remnants of your ancestors and commune with your lineage. Your urine is your connection to your ancestors. Breathe it in, brother.
Tim Henson
Genealogy doesn’t seem so fun anymore, does it? If you thought smelling foreskin piss was the end of things, oh baby, we’re just getting started.
AUDIO
So I’m just here on the porcelain throne and it’s really interesting.
Tim Henson
Anytime Will Blunderfield says something’s interesting, just replace those words with disgusting. It’s really disgusting how I want to stick my finger in my poop now.
AUDIO
And now I’m starting to really, really love the smell of my Mr. Henke. And I think that’s a really… We’re just a hop, skip and a jump away from Will Blunderfield dabbling in scat. If you love your bodily smells, your pits, your shit, your lemonade, if you like to sample… Basically, if you’re in harmony with the bodily processes and they smell good and taste good to you, I would not recommend eating Mr. Hankey.
Tim Henson
Oh, thank God. We found where Will Blunderfield draws the line. Look, smell, admire, but don’t taste. In this video, he says he was suffering from IBS for a long time. During that dark brown period, his shit was not so appealing. But now he wishes he could wear that scent as like perfume.
AUDIO
Anything that comes out of the stink portal is what we say not necessarily sterile versus anything that comes out of the piss slit. according to this lineage, is sterile.
Tim Henson
The other interesting thing about Will, there’s a lot of interesting things about Will. There’s nothing not interesting about Will. He does not like to call himself gay. As a matter of fact, I am not gay. I’m not gay. I like women. Yeah, he says he likes women. One in every, I don’t know, 200 videos mentions pleasuring a woman’s clam strips or hole, clam hole, whatever, whatever guys do with women. And then there will be a string of videos like this.
AUDIO
So I went on a date with this beautiful dude tonight and my anal ring, I’ve gotten home and I just rubbed it and it’s releasing anal gland juices. This is a sign that I like the guy a lot.
Tim Henson
Either that or you’ve got impacted bowels. The very next video showed Will Blunderfield scooting across the carpet of his floor. You need to express your anal sack, dude. Here’s some more very heterosexual content from Will. So there’s this beautiful, sexy, hairy French dude,
AUDIO
and he wants to sniff, sniff, sniff underneath my long Canadian foreskin. Marry that man immediately. He gets you. And I said, okay, how clean do you want it? He’s like, I don’t want it clean. Go to the gym, keep it forward. I’m going to pull it back and lick, lick, sniff, sniff, rub, rub, rub his nose all around it.
Tim Henson
I call that a successful date. Here’s one more very heterosexual clip of Will Blunderfield.
AUDIO
The most heterosexual thing you could do in the whole universe.
Tim Henson
Let me guess. It’s something incredibly gay. That’s Will’s patented Gooner bait and switch.
AUDIO
The most heterosexual thing you could do in the whole universe is rub, rub, rub your hummus cannon and dragon pearls against the hummus cannon and dragon pearls of a big strong man without releasing your seed. Because when you do that, all you’re going to want to do after is impregnate beautiful females.
Tim Henson
So the trick is to do a lot of gay stuff with guys, lick and smell their balls, play with their stink portal, stroke their hummus shooter, refrain from ejaculating though. So when you leave the dude’s house, you’ll just fuck anything. Even if you’re not attracted to women, you’re like, well, I’m hard and she’s got a hole. I think I can make this happen. And that is how Will Blunderfield convinces himself he’s bisexual. Ta-da! If you still need to play with a dude’s dick in order to be with a woman, are you really bisexual? Or are you just fucking kidding yourself? All right, so there you go. That’s the Will Blunderfield update. Let’s move on. While we’re checking in with some of my favorite U-tards, see what Jesse Lee Peterson has been up to. He had a listener call into his show. She was upset with the way he kind of portrayed and talked about Hispanics. Well, Jesse Lee Peterson did not back down, and he set this woman straight.
AUDIO
They show up, and not all Hispanics, but most are very dishonest. They cut corners, and they steal from you.
Tim Henson
By the way, the lady who is on the phone is Hispanic. I don’t think she’s going to like that.
AUDIO
It doesn’t matter how much money you pay them, they go back and they steal. I’ve seen it over and over and over with Hispanics on whom I heard hired. I’ve had so many people tell me on construction sites that they tend to go back at night and steal the equipment. And then they go, oh, senor. No, no, no, senor. It’s just not true. I find that insulting. No, but it’s true, though. That character race, character race, I can’t get the word out, but I find that insulting because that’s not the way we speak.
Tim Henson
Well, it’s the way some of you speak. Where do you think Jesse Lee Peterson got that accent from? When he started talking, I knew exactly what he was trying to do. He’s in your… Like, you know, who was Speedy Gonzalez’s slow cousin? He’s in your… Yeah, it was Speedy Gonzalez, and then his slow cousin was Slowpoke Rodriguez.
AUDIO
Maybe Slowpoke is pretty slow downstairs in the feet, But he’s pretty fast upstairs in the cabeza.
Tim Henson
That’s who was doing the construction project for Jesse Lee. But that’s reality.
AUDIO
It’s not the reality. No, they pretend. I don’t always speak like that, Pastor Pearson. Oh, I’m not speaking Spanish correctly. You’re right about it. But you’re going, Señor, like, you’re imitating, like, I’m sorry. And you know what the thing about it is, Pastor Pearson. No, they do go, like, you know, let me show you how they do it. Hold on. Like, when you’re making a deal with them, I love that. He’s like, wait, wait, wait, wait. I got, this is a good impression.
Tim Henson
Wait, let me do some more.
AUDIO
What they do is when they come out to make a deal with you, they sound so nice. The men and the women. Oh, senor, what do you need? Senor, good work. And they agree. And I find that insulting. Right. You’re characterizing people. What do you mean? They don’t speak that way. You see, this is why you give Hispanics a bad name. No. Yes, you do. But you call them drug dealers. You call black people drug dealers. Not all. That’s my point. We’re not, you know, we’re not all.
Tim Henson
Yeah, she did the same thing with black people earlier in the call. You can’t see that, though. She loses her mind when, you know, when Jesse Lee Peterson is saying anything negative about Hispanics. Although, plot twist.
AUDIO
I’m not, I’m not, I’m all in favor of having that wall built.
Tim Henson
Yeah. So I guess those two found some common ground. The other opinion that Jesse Lee has that I find a little controversial, especially considering the allegations against Jesse Lee Peterson about hooking up with homeless or ex-homeless guys who were drug addicts at some point. Jesse Lee kind of befriends them and ends up in bed with them. You remember that? I don’t know if it’s like taking advantage of someone who might not be able to make great decisions, but Jesse Lee does have some thoughts about the Epstein files.
AUDIO
I don’t give a S-H-I-T about Epstein files. Zero. Oh, that’s good. I don’t care about it at all. I don’t think about it. I don’t care about it. That was their party. And that was their party. And they can party if they want to.
Tim Henson
Jesse Lee is totally okay with everything that happened on Epstein Island. And I realize Jeffrey Epstein banging underage girls is different than Jesse Lee Peterson allegedly preying upon old ex-homeless, ex-drug addicts or whatever, but, you know, it’s kind of, it’s not the same, but still weird.
AUDIO
And you and nobody else have anything to do with it. Is my party in a party if I want to? Party if I want to. It’s funny how you relate to things, D.C. You can say, like… Now you’re twisting it and… You can party. When you have your party, don’t you party like you want to?
Tim Henson
I just don’t understand how people can follow Jesse Lee Peterson. Consider themselves to be fans and listen to this. He sounds borderline retarded. People can do whatever they want when it’s their party, you know? If they want to fuck little girls, it’s their party. You can’t blame them. Can’t tell them how to run their own party. It’s my party and I’ll party if I want to. It’s like, what are we doing here? People in the comments are like, yeah, you show them, Jesse. I agree with you 100%. Love Jesse Lee. It’s like there are so many other right-wing commentators that are and sound more intelligent. I mean, is this because Jesse Lee sounds as stupid as the people who listen to him? Finally, someone on my level, that Tucker Carlson or Ben Shapiro, they sound like they’ve been to college. I don’t like that. Give me a down-to-earth Jesse Lee Peterson drooling and spitting into the mic any day. Back to the clip This then devolves even further Into who’s a noble man Is the listener noble? Is Donald Trump noble? What’s noble about you? What’s noble about me? I’m respectful, honest
AUDIO
And I see everybody the same And I don’t give an example How you’re not noble Do you love Donald Trump? No, see, Jesse Do you love Donald Trump? I love the people that love me I was like that I thought you were noble I don’t have to You’re not a noble man You’re an evil man. No, Jesse, you’re the evil man. No, you’re an evil man. You don’t love Donald Trump. I gotta take a break. Thank you, Kobe. I gotta take a break.
Tim Henson
What type of show is this? I’m always so baffled by the end of this. I’m like, how did this man get a radio show? He’s got like five, almost 600,000 followers on YouTube alone. Barely speak. Good Lord. Anyway, I’ve got one more classic Utah art I wanted to check in with. Thursday Lane has just discovered what bussy means. Welcome to 2021, I guess. For those of you living under a rock or a bussy, a bussy is a boy pussy. Rape my boy pussy. Rape my boy pussy. Of course, boy pussy has been around for a long time. I’ve been screaming it here on TV for over two decades.
AUDIO
Boy pussy. Boy pussy.
Tim Henson
Finally, a few years ago, it hit mainstream and then the gays had to give it some shorthand. pussy. Now Thursday Lane has his own ideas about
AUDIO
pussy. I’m thinking about making up a new slang called you so pussy. That means you look, you mean, that means someone looks so good you could taste them from the front or the back or you think that’s about tasting from the front
Tim Henson
and back. I think it should just be a more general term like you like something or it looks good or tastes good. Did you go to church today? Pastor William’s sermon was pussy. It was a pussy subway footlong I just ate.
AUDIO
But I want to make up a term called You So Bussy.
Tim Henson
How about a new Disney Channel sitcom called That’s So Bussy? Like a gay version of That’s So Raven. Could be like, you know, a little teenager that has psychic powers. And he’s gay and he’s got a BBL. Just a big, fat, juicy ass back there. And then his catchphrase is That’s So Bussy.
AUDIO
I’m so bussy. I’m bussying it out. You look so bussy.
Tim Henson
He’s really tickled himself with this.
AUDIO
I feel as though I’m tasting your front or back or both.
Tim Henson
I kind of think Thursday’s horny.
AUDIO
I’m going to still keep myself so busy. Even your parents and grandparents are going to think about tasting me. Why you taste me if you’re a legal age?
Tim Henson
Well, thank you for saying that.
AUDIO
Yeah, I’m going to keep myself up. Where if you’re an adult, I’m going to have you be fanzized about tasting my front or back or both. And your parents taste my front or back or both. And again, one more thing. You have that special privilege for me to say, suck my front. For the most part, I’m going to say suck my back because I keep it clean. But again, look, it’s so pussy.
Tim Henson
All right. There you go. That’s what Thursday Lane has been working on. Good to hear from him after so long. Moving on now, if you guys have been online the past week or two, the latest source of outrage all stems from a color, specifically Pantone, naming their color of the year cloud dancer. First of all, what is Pantone and what gives them the fucking right to name color of the year? Well, Pantone LLC is an American company based in New Jersey and is recognized for its Pantone matching system, a color order system utilized in fields like graphic design and manufacturing. Every color has a name and number or something associated with it. I looked up the Pantone Color Institute, which is the organization that names the color of the year, and check out this bullshit. According to their site, the Pantone Color Institute provides trusted color leadership. We develop a comprehensive set of solutions that leverages the power of color, increasing color confidence. Like, what the fuck is this? Seems like a lot of fluff and, you know, mumbo jumbo. Yes, we develop comprehensive sets of solutions that leverage the power of color, increasing color confidence and achieving brand goals. Anyway, every year they come out with a color of the year. And this year, oh my God, scandal. They picked a color called Cloud Dancer, which is a type of white. And the first criticism is, you know, from dorks on the internet. They’re like, actually, white isn’t even a color. It’s an absence of color. So it shouldn’t even be a color of the internet. It’s like, shut the fuck up. It’s something you can see. White, we know what white is. It has a name associated with it. You can paint your walls white. So for the purpose of Pantone, it’s a color, right? And it’s not pure white. It’s Cloud Dancer White. Every little variation in color has its own name. This is Cloud Dancer. It looks like a cloud. It’s like a color you would find in a cloud. Whatever. The real uproar began when people on the internet said, wait a second, we shouldn’t be celebrating anything white because white people are bad. They’re the source of everything that is wrong and evil in the world. They picked this color because they’re racist, obviously. Read the room, Pantone. Oh, everyone is weighing in on this stupid issue that doesn’t really matter. Here’s a designer, a, you know, jewelry designer.
AUDIO
Pantone’s 2026 color of the year is a dog whistle, and I will tell you why. The thing that makes dog whistles effective is the built-in plausible deniability
Tim Henson
Yeah, I guess sometimes it could be a dog whistle. The other times it’s plausibly deniable is because they’ve done nothing wrong. They just named a color, a popular color.
AUDIO
They didn’t say specifically what they are implying, so people can just say it’s not that deep. But Pantone is a multi-million dollar business who deals in the meanings of color. They are color experts and know exactly what different colors feel like and imply.
Tim Henson
If they were really going for something racist here, wouldn’t they pick a color like colonial white, majestic white, superior white, creamy Caucasian or something like Dancer, which is like white but gray? That doesn’t scream white supremacist to me. That screams cotton linen or modern kitchen.
AUDIO
White, neutral colors and minimalism have all long been on the side of racism.
Tim Henson
Oh, so now Pantone has to not only stay away from whites, but all neutral colors. Lest anyone think the color people are pro-slavery.
AUDIO
The original intent of minimalism was to erase culture. Many non-white cultures are full of color and ornate designs. Upscale, minimalist, all-white designs.
Tim Henson
Okay, Lord Douche and I are dealing with this right now. With the counters and the countertops. It’s hard to find anything that isn’t a shade of white. It’s all neutral shit. Boring. But that’s what people are buying. As a matter of fact, when we were talking to one of these design people, they were expressing frustration with it. They’re like, yeah, for the past, I don’t know, 10, 15 years, it’s all fucking whites and grays. There’s been no exciting advancements in kitchen design because people all want the same thing. Whites, blacks, Hispanics. when they have to redo their kitchen. You know what they want? Open concept, white, clean, crisp. Are you saying clean and crisp are racist? You’re not allowed to want that because it’s like synonymous with white. Fuck you. Lord Douche and I, okay, we were trying to find something that has a little bit of color in the counter. We were looking for like a quartz countertop, something with a terrazzo look, I guess. Not, you know, like the marble veining. We don’t want that. We want like the little stones, little sparkle. Sparkle because we’re gay. But we want like little flecks of color in there and you just can’t find it anymore. Maybe like light blue that kind of looks white you can you know you can
AUDIO
find. Have long signified wealth status and class. These decisions of Pantone’s are not made in a vacuum. These color experts live in the same world we do and see the same things on their screen.
Tim Henson
Again, like white as a skin tone is much different than cloud white. And I know that, you know, the argument is that it’s, you know, it’s the name, the insinuation. But last year, which really wasn’t that much different than 2025. Last year was a shit show as well. A Pantone named Mocha Moose, a very brown color, color of the year. No one talked about the racial implications of that. I don’t even think anyone made a connection like, oh, maybe this has to do with people’s skin tones. Probably not because that’s dumb. Here’s another video of someone losing their mind over Cloud Dancer.
AUDIO
Phantom. White. Off-white. It is giving Netflix DEI rollback. It is giving AT&T DEI rollback.
Tim Henson
My theory is that the people who have a lot of big thoughts about Cloud Dancer, they’re the criminally online. I don’t think the average person, black, white, or Hispanic, is thinking about this too much. They may have seen a piece on the Today Show or something announcing Pantone’s color as Cloud Dancer, and they may have said like, oh, that’s boring. It’s a lame color to be named color of the year, but that’s pretty much it. That’s where it ends. We’ve got people writing, you know, 10,000 word think pieces on the implied racism of Pantone’s color of the year.
AUDIO
A way to play into my conspiracy theories because white, it is giving whoever made this decision needs to be fired. It is giving that they fired all the black and brown people.
Tim Henson
It’s funny she should mention that because the woman who announced the color of the year, I’m pretty sure is black. Not that she had anything to do with picking the color. Maybe she did. I don’t know. Here’s another woman.
AUDIO
Antone just really came right out and said it, didn’t they? They’re like, next year, white is the supreme color.
Tim Henson
The majority of people upset seem to be white women. Also, it’s not the supreme color of the year. It’s just, it’s color of the year.
AUDIO
Antone making their color of the year a white shade called Cloud Walker is some primetime clan shit.
Tim Henson
I don’t think like when when Mocha Moose was color of the year, I didn’t immediately think, oh, this is great for my black or Hispanic friends. This is really going to be their year because the color kind of is similar to their skin tone. If the color was titled ebony black, I don’t think I would associate skin tone with the color of the year. You know, y’all are doing some heavy lifting. What I do think is plausible is that Pantone picked this color because they knew all the screechy, whiny, perpetually offended 20-somethings on TikTok were going to record videos about. It’s a rage bait pick. It gets people talking about Pantone, which up until three days ago I thought was a shampoo. Mission accomplished though, right? There’s been so many news pieces and articles and TikTok videos. and it’s all over the most boring-ass color imaginable. All right, so there you go. That’s the latest controversy explained. You’re welcome. And with that, let’s get into the crazy bizarre twist to the fucked up news right now. We’ve got some great holiday deals on memberships. Yes, if you’re not a sideshow freak, now is the time to sign up. Monthly memberships for only $6.99. Yearlies for $66.99. And we even got lifetime memberships available. Get over 20% off the normal Sideshow membership price, but you gotta act now. Just go to distortedview.com. Tomorrow we’ll be doing a full-length Sideshow exclusive episode, so if you want to hear it, you gotta sign up. Get yourself a good discount. Go to distortedview.com. Other ways to support the show, we’ve got a Patreon account, patreon.com slash distortedview. You can pledge as little as a dollar over there. If you pledge five, you get access to a special voicemail line where I will play your calls first. And you can sponsor an episode of DV for only $25. To do that, just PayPal me show at distortedview.com. PayPal $25. You can also go to the PayPal address, paypal.me slash distortedview. It’s been fun this year having all you guys do listener sponsorships. They’ve all been different. You’ve requested different things, wanted me to play different clips, talk about different stuff. So if you’d like to sponsor a show before the end of the year, again, just PayPal me, show at distortedview.com. Only $25. Okay, two very quick stories now. First up, well, for years now, we’ve been warning about virtual rape. In that scenario, you’re in a virtual world and another avatar bumps into you or tries to walk through you repeatedly. That’s like unwanted intercourse. People get very, very offended when you do that, and they call it virtual rape. Those are the type of people getting upset over Pantone’s color of the year. BT dubs.
AUDIO
Disgusting trend in the world of online gaming. The scenes are so disturbing, we had to blur the images. The disturbing reality of virtual rape. Before I knew it, they were, for lack of a better word, groping my avatar. The graphics are so good, this attack is eerily realistic.
Tim Henson
I did a video a while ago, probably during the pandemic. back when I was almost 900 pounds. It was like a little sketch about, you know, making fun of virtual rape called virtual murder and people getting upset because their characters were killed off in video games. It’s the same idea. It’s not real. You’re not really being killed. You’re not really being raped. You’re not even like pretend being raped. It’s literally just one avatar walking through another. That’s not how babies are made. I’ve tried. Well, now there’s a new phenomenon out there called virtual kidnapping. I could see this one taking off. It’s a scam and it involves using AI or Photoshop images of your child to make it look like they’re being thrown in the back of a van or being human trafficked or something. U.S. law enforcement officials are warning the public about a surge in so-called virtual kidnappings, in which criminals use altered social media images and publicly available information to pressure victims into paying ransoms. It’s funny to think that a parent wouldn’t recognize a Photoshopped image of your child at a high school music recital altered so it looks like she’s chained to a wall in a basement. Like as a parent, wouldn’t you question why she was wearing her prom dress? It was a weird choice to go out in. I will say, I bet you a lot of these scammers are successful in receiving ransom money. Because the most recent time I went to go visit my mom, she was on her phone scrolling through TikTok or Instagram or whatever. And every video she was like, oh, my God, this is this is crazy. Look at this. Look at what this dog is doing. How do they train it to do that? And it’s like an AI, an obvious AI video of a dog doing the Macarena wearing a sombrero with like maracas and shit. Like, Mom, that’s not a real video. That’s Sora. And every single time she fell for it. I showed her a video of me, her son, on an episode of Hollywood Squares. I was a square. I was one of the celebrities up there. And the whole set collapses. And I fall on my ass. And she’s like, when did you do that? Like, no, that never happened, mom. This too was fake. Like the dancing dog with the macarons. Eventually I gave up. Because she’s 80-something. She’s never going to learn. It doesn’t matter. at this point if she believes that it’s real or not. It’s just not worth anyone’s time to go over this. So yeah, I do think some parents are going to fall for this scam. In a public service advisory issued on Friday, the FBI said scammers are increasingly contacting people by text message, falsely claiming that a family member has been abducted and demanding immediate payment for their release. According to the agency, these schemes do not involve real kidnappings. Instead, perps fabricate evidence by manipulating photos taken from social media accounts or other online sources to create what appears to be proof that a loved one is in danger. The FBI said suspects often attempt to create panic by threatening violence and insisting that payment be made without delay. And like all good scams, they usually want their payment in the form of app store gift cards. Nothing says I mean business. Your children are in danger of being killed and requesting Roblox gift cards. Those damn microtransactions add up. In many cases, scammers send images or videos that appear authentic at first glance, but contain subtle inconsistencies when compared with legitimate photographs of the person being referenced. Officials urge the public to remain cautious when receiving unexpected messages involving urgent threats. victims are encouraged to slow down, independently confirm the safety of their loved ones, and avoid sending money or sharing personal information under pressure.
AUDIO
Do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
Tim Henson
As part of its guidance, the FBI recommends that families establish a private code word. Oh, I love this idea. All right, kids, if you’re really in danger, the code phrase I want you to text is moist undercarriage. Gross! How about foreskin hummus cannon?
AUDIO
Dad, no!
Tim Henson
How about tainted broth? Yes, the FBI recommends families establish a safe word, I mean, private code word, to confirm identities during emergencies. The agency also advises travelers to limit sharing personal details online and remain cautious when posting information publicly. Law enforcement officials said individuals reporting missing persons online should be alert for follow-up messages offering false information as scammers may monitor such posts to target victims. The FBI encouraged victims to preserve any images or messages sent by the suspects, including screenshots of so-called proof-of-life materials, which may be useful for investigators. The FBI did not disclose how many complaints related to virtual kidnapping have been filed with its Internet Crime Complaint Center, but multiple reports shared online indicate that similar schemes have targeted victims using spoofed phone numbers that appear to belong to family members. Authorities advise anyone who believes they’re being targeted by virtual kidnapping scams to contact law enforcement immediately. So there you go. And finally today, freaks, we got a story from my home state. This happened in Monroe County, Ohio. A man has been arrested after authorities say he mistakenly sent a bag of meth through a bank’s drive-thru pneumatic tube during a routine transaction. Oh, fuck, yeah. I fucking love crystal meth. Well, if you love it so goddamn much, hold on to it. How did you get money confused with meth? I mean, I’m sure they’re both very valuable to you, but is that what you were thinking you put in the pneumatic tube? What a scatterbrain. Probably due to the meth, right? All right. According to the Monroe County Sheriff’s Office, a bank employee at the Woodsfield branch called deputies after discovering a clear bag that contained a crystal-like substance consistent with methamphetamines inside the drive-thru canister. Subsequent testing confirmed the substance was in fact meth. Ooh, meth.
AUDIO
Oh, meth. Mm, meth.
Tim Henson
That’s what I was going for, yes. Investigators identified the sender of the meth as 46-year-old Jason G. Smith, who lives in Woodsfield. Authorities say Smith inadvertently included the bag with his banking paperwork when using the drive-thru. Following the report, officers located Smith in nearby Wayne Township. I’m guessing the cops caught up with him as he was like retracing his steps. He’s like, I know I had that meth with me. Went to the McDonald’s, sat in the car, had the quarter pounder, smoked some meth. Then I went to the Dollar General. In the parking lot there, I smoked some meth. Afterwards, I smoked some meth. Went to the school bus depot. Did my shift as a school bus driver where I did some meth. After my shift, I got in my car, did some meth, and then I went right to the bank. Hope I didn’t leave the meth in the school bus again. Yeah, following the report, officers located Smith in nearby Wayne Township where agents from the Ohio Department of Natural Resources and the Sheriff’s Office responded. A canine unit assisted and located additional suspected narcotics and drug-related items in Smith’s vehicle. Smith was taken into custody and transported to the Monroe County Jail. As of the latest update, specific charges had not yet been listed in the county court’s public docket. Sheriff Derek Norman released a statement using the incident as a reminder about safe drug disposal. Disposal is not the same thing as a deposit. Quote, illegal drugs don’t belong in bank drive-thrus, but they can be turned in at the sheriff’s office. No charges, no handcuffs, just help. We’d much rather safely take them off the streets than see another unexpected deposit. Yeah, but this guy didn’t want help. He didn’t want to get rid of his meth. Just a bit of an oopsie. The investigation remains ongoing. So there you go. That, my friends, is your distorted news for Monday. Let’s do a couple voicemails and get the hell out of here. Try not to blow your brains out.
AUDIO
This holiday season, distorted view daily.
Tim Henson
Well, I’m going to try to do my part to help you get through the holidays and not blow your brains out. It’s time once again for the start of a yearly tradition, the 12 deals of Distorted View Daily. The idea here is I’m giving you a reason to live by shaving a few dollars off of Distorted View products in the Distorted View store. Suicide is never the answer, especially when promo codes are involved. Today’s deal is one that I know most of you can take advantage of because you all have smartphones. unless of course you’re very very poor I don’t know exactly how you’re listening to Distort of You Daily but maybe you’re using like a fucking Chromebook or something everyone let’s just laugh at the poor listener you have nothing what a sad existence you know what you should do
AUDIO
I feel like I may have just contradicted myself
Tim Henson
because just mere seconds ago I told you suicide is never the option but that’s before I knew how poor you were I’m just kidding don’t kill yourself please You know I need all the listeners I can get Plus this is a great deal Even if you’re poor Most poor people have cell phones right I mean you know Obama phones or whatever The point is today’s deal is Really for everyone Grab yourself a distorted view phone case Normally $20 Today only using promo code Condom Take 5 bucks off This very attract it Phone case comes in styles that will fit all major phones from the iPhone 13 all the way up to the new 17s. Plus, there are versions for various Google phones and Samsung Galaxies. A full list is available on distortedview.com. The product is in the fun stuff category. I’ll also provide a direct link on the show notes today. If you’re able to take a look at the chapter artwork and you can see how beautiful the phone case is with the distorted view logo emblazoned all over it. So it’s turned into like a wallpaper, like a pattern. It’s both hypnotic and a little nauseating. Typically how one describes distorted view daily. Again, use promo code condom at checkout because after all, what are phone cases? They’re cell phone prophylactics. This code will work today and today only. Tomorrow, I’ll have a new promo code. And of course, tomorrow’s episode is Sideshow exclusive. So if you want that deal, you know what you got to do. Sign up for the Sideshow over there at distortedview.com. All right, let’s check in with some patrons.
AUDIO
Timmy Boo, I know exactly what you and Lord Douche were doing last weekend. You’re watching OSU Beat Michigan. I’m joking. I’m joking. Yeah.
Tim Henson
I’m done mocking your mask. I didn’t even know they played last week. I thought it was this weekend they were playing. Okay.
AUDIO
The whole renovation thing, I absolutely love it. Please keep the reno stories coming as long as you can.
Tim Henson
Oh, God. We were looking at countertops all weekend long. It’s not going great. The countertop that Lord Douche loves has been discontinued. I think it was discontinued in 2018. And to this day, we’re still looking for this slab. Like maybe somewhere someone has like an old thing that didn’t sell. And it’s the only one that Lord Douche likes. He’s also like we’re kind of like willing to settle for a quartz countertop. But Lord Douche really wants a porcelain. And the thing about porcelain is it’s not super popular here in the United States. I think it’s more popular in Europe. naturally this is what lord douche wants something that is not really widely available so we were looking at there’s a few places that will do porcelain and um so we we were we’ve been checking that out there’s a whole thing with the i don’t know if i’ve even talked about the countertops yet i think it was mostly about the sink but the counter countertops there’s a lot of requirements because we’ve got tile, which is, we’ve got like pale yellow tile, and there’s black and then like little maroon diamonds in it. It’s a very honestly ugly tile, but it was like original to the house, or I don’t know, maybe they installed it in the 40s or 50s or something, but we don’t want to get rid of that. So we’re trying to find a countertop that complements that, or at least won’t look weird. And Lord Douche is looking for something creamy, but not too creamy. We don’t want it too dark, but it can’t be white. He definitely doesn’t want white. And, I mean, you know, it goes on and on. So, yeah, it’s not going well.
AUDIO
I don’t care if other listeners find it boring. I’ve said it before. I say it again. I’m a sucker for your pain. All the details, you’re just wonderful for me. But anyways, best of luck.
Tim Henson
So the other thing with the kitchen is that the flooring that we have, this is when we purchase the house, it’s like this shitty, I don’t know if it’s vinyl tile or what, but they’re all coming up. So the flooring is absolute shit. And so I thought, you know, while we’re replacing the countertop, right, and the cabinets, why not just, you know, finish up, do the floor? I feel like if we had new countertops and a new floor, it’ll be like a new kitchen. It would feel so nice in there as opposed to this grimy, disgusting, dirty room that we’re currently living in. Because, you know, the tiles are coming up. The dogs are eating the tiles because they’re coming up and they’re easy to get to, you know. So the dogs like will scratch at them and then start eating them. They’re chewing up tiles. Their pieces of tile are coming out and they’re shit. We’re yelling at them all the time. We have to put things down on the floor, like heavy things, almost like paperweight. So we’ll lay down like a cardboard box to cover up the missing tile or the part of the tile that the dogs were chewing. And then on top of it, we have these old battery backup batteries or the whole system for the battery backup things for computers, which are super, super heavy because they’re like lead batteries. that’s what we’re weighing down to keep the dogs from chewing at the tile that’s coming up and i’m constantly tripping over and stubbing my toe on these fucking batteries it’s a night the whole kitchen situation is a nightmare i just i would love to just like redo everything but you know i understand it’s it’s very expensive but um and then like lord douche is like i don’t know we might have to replace the subfloor is that what it’s called subflooring subfloor whatever um so he’s that is bad and we’re going to have to replace that and it will just like spiral out of control which I feel like it’s already spiraling out of control control, you know
AUDIO
control, troll, troll, troll so it’s not that your stories about Lord Douche push me to one end of this spectrum that I’m about to describe or another but I don’t know if I speak for the rest of the freaks or not when I say this I kind of have to know like when he’s bitching about like a sink or a butterbell or whatever
Tim Henson
it’s not bitching per se it’s just like opinions and thoughts where along the
AUDIO
spectrum of queen is how much of a queen is he no no
Tim Henson
it’s not like that at all it’s not like oh my god this will never do No, no, no, no, no. We cannot have a sink. It can’t be bisque. It has to be biscuit. No, no, no. It’s not like that at all. That would drive me crazy. I would be out the door. It was like a Queenie situation. Captain Holt type
AUDIO
for Brooklyn Nine-Nine? Or is this guy like a weather game? Like, where are we on that? Because like, when you talk about him talking about… He’s not Queenie
Tim Henson
in the least. He’s like a guy. The sink.
AUDIO
And what the different kind of sinks he thinks he can have are, like, is he like, oh, well, I don’t, I’m really concerned. Yes, like that. There might be 300 different reasons why I want this thing. Yeah. Or is he like, oh, my God. Is he at which sink? Like, which one?
Tim Henson
No, no, he’s not like that at all. That makes it more bearable, I guess.
AUDIO
Hey, man, this is Rob. So, Matt, I’m listening to the show today, And I want to know if I’m the only one. When Gail Cord Shuler says my wound down there, am I the first person to think her conjugal hand is in shaker here?
Tim Henson
I don’t know. I’m sorry. I don’t know what you’re saying. For some reason, the background noise or whatever, it’s at a frequency that I can’t understand what you’re saying. Listeners, call in and tell me what he’s asking. I know it’s about Gail Cord Shuler. I think it’s about her injury. But other than that, I’m not entirely sure. I’m sorry. Let’s try one more call here. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim. Now this I can hear.
AUDIO
As you may or may not know, Spotify rap just dropped, and I thought I’d give you a call because my top podcast is Distorted Beauty. Hey. Ba-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-ba-ba.
Tim Henson
Cue sound effect. Yeah, a lot of… I just did it myself. A lot of freaks have been messaging me or getting in contact with me to let me know that DV is in their top podcast for this year’s Spotify rep. Also, a lot of freaks have been messaging that Pure Hypochondria was their number one album they listened to this year. Just crazy.
AUDIO
It’s been like 16,113 minutes of your podcast. I’m in the top 2%. Super freak.
Tim Henson
Yeah, someone else just shared theirs with me. They were the top 16% of fans, so you beat them. So love you, Timmy Boo. Thanks for all you do. Ah, thank you for listening. Couldn’t do it without you. I think that’s a good place to stop. I know the very next call is going to be like, Hey, faggot. Whatever happened to the hey, faggot guy? He doesn’t call in very much anymore. I mean, I’m not complaining. You kind of miss him, though. All right. That is all the time we have on this edition of the show. I want you guys to email me. Show me at distortedview.com. Distortedview.com is our official website. Voicemail on for you. 206-666-4463. That’s 206-66. So God is no God. And it’s releasing anal gland juices. Read the distortion STD. Tell all your friends about the show. Don’t forget to give us a five-star rating, a thumbs up, or like wherever you can rate and review podcasts. Tomorrow’s episode is going to be a sideshow exclusive one. So if you’re not yet a member, sign up right now. Take advantage of those holiday deals. Otherwise, I’ll be back on Wednesday. Until then, have a great day. Bye, everybody.
AUDIO
– Oh yeah, look at that. Chew on that foreskin. Chew on your own foreskin. Yeah. It’s fucking hot. Your own beef jerky. This has been another excellent podcast from the Scrobb Media Group. Learn more at Scrobb.net.
