On Today’s Show:
Distorted View Daily – Friday, December 12, 2025
Comedy Podcast | Bizarre News | Offensive Humor | Satire
On Today’s Episode:
Tim Henson delivers another unhinged episode of Distorted View Daily, packed with offensive satire, bizarre crime stories, deranged religious freak-outs, and listener insanity.
Highlights include:
- A religious leader argues it’s okay to start calling people the F-word again—and really wants you to mean it
- Glenn Beck debuts an AI version of George Washington, prompting Tim to respond with his own grotesquely horny founding father interview featuring John Jay
- A man claiming to be Jesus Christ goes on a destructive rampage inside a church, falls repeatedly, screams at police, and ends up tased and arrested
- A Florida man crashes a stolen BMW at high speed and tells deputies he didn’t steal it—he was teleported into the car by aliens and the X-Men
- GameStop’s “Trade Anything Day” results in people exchanging taxidermy animals, dead geese, creepy dolls, street signs, and garbage for a $5 gift card
- Listener-sponsored chaos courtesy of Ropes of Nut, including an extended “test of patience” smoke alarm audio experiment
- Tim spirals into rants about itchy balls, dry skin, IBM Model M keyboards, and why conservative podcasters keep stealing his bits
- Freak voicemails, texts to the 4-Hairy-Cunt line, Mennonite listeners rediscovering the show after 20+ years, and kitchen renovation misery with Lord Douche
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Distorted View Daily is an explicit comedy podcast featuring dark humor, offensive satire, and the most twisted news stories from around the world. Listener discretion is strongly advised.
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Podcast: Download
AI Transcript (There Will Be Errors)
Timmyboo
Today’s 12 deals of Distorted View daily deal is $5 off the Distorted View semi-automatic, not gun, semi-automatic foldable umbrella. Just go to shop.distortedview.com and get $5 off the umbrella. Just remember to use promo code WET, W-E-T, at shop.distortedview.com. Hey, freaks, it’s Friday, December 12th, 2025. Coming up on the program today, religious leaders have come to an agreement. It’s okay to call people the F word again. Plus, I interview a horny founding father of the United States, trading a dead goose for a $5 GameStop gift certificate, and Jesus goes on a holy rampage.
AUDIO
The best comfort. Just a fun thing he said. Come on, bitch, and shit it out all over this bed. Don’t worry if they’re turds. We’ll edit that tape. Because like taking candy from a baby, it’s as easy as rape. Gooner baiters bait your dicks Crazy god warrior chick Mealy mouthfucked hearts Talking about stupid shit Sherry Hill has elapsed Corey’s twisted and fun Tone-deaf Sean wishes a happy new year to everyone But it’s creepy Uncle Tim The most careless of queers We keep coming back to So he’ll call loop our ears Distorted view Timmy Boo, what it do Give us our dose of daily audio poo It’s Distorted View Daily Sponsored by TV listener Ropes of Nut And I love the aftertaste of semen in my mouth Tim Henson reeks of anus Welcome to 1-800-ASSHOL
Timmyboo
Christian now fears his flatulence Get it together! Yes, Jim Edson back here with you one more time. As we wrap things up for the week, you heard it just a second ago, we have got another sponsor. This fine gentleman has sponsored the show multiple times. Every time I say, oh, I’ve run out of sponsors, he comes through. He’s like, let’s rectify that situation. I’m going to sponsor the show again. Rodder Bay, tell us more.
AUDIO
He writes, a third sponsorship from Robes of Nut, formerly Lars from California. My only request is you play the test of patience I created and we’ll send to you.
Timmyboo
Wow, these sponsorships are becoming quite advanced. Listeners are creating entire audio productions now for me to play. So yeah, Lars, I’m sorry, Ropes of Nut, did come through and sent along an audio file for me to play. I’m guessing this is the test of patience. Let’s take a listen. Okay Yeah I see where this is going Um Thanks I know you put a lot of work into this And I will play the entire test of patience Can’t do it right now though We are going to have to wait Until the end of the show I can’t risk the financial hit of all of my listeners turning off the podcast. Thank you for the $25 stuff. So that is ropes of not, by the way, Lars got upset. He was like, I guess I can’t have ropes of not because I didn’t call into the voicemail line with it. I get maybe someone else called into the voicemail line and said they wanted to be ropes of not look, there’s not an official spreadsheet or something that I’m keeping track of. There’s not a database of, you know, you dopey ass listeners in your names. If you want to be ropes or not, you’re ropes or not. Someone else wants to be ropes or not. Duke it out. I just call you by whatever you say your name is. I take the same approach with trans people when they’re like, my pronouns are Z or furnace. I’m air conditioning duct. I’m like, OK, air conditioning duct. That’s fine. Whatever you want to be called. No skin off my sack. By the way, do any of you freaks and I’m talking directly to guys right now or AC units who identify as guys? Do you guys suffer from like itchy balls or groin regions this time of year? Like every time the weather, the temperature drops and gets really, really cold, you know, your skin starts to dry out. It’s very important to moisturize. Apparently, I haven’t been moisturizing my nut sack because it gets like it gets itchy. I’m sure it’s not lice or a venereal disease, but like it’s literally the skin, right? And it’s the sack. And it feels real good when you pinch it hard. You know, like when it’s itchy and you like pinch the skin and you roll it in your fingertips. Why am I bringing this up on the show? I don’t know. I’ve got a microphone in front of me and my balls itch. Everyone must know about it. Maybe I should have just continued playing the low battery smoke alarm. People would much rather hear that than me talking about my dry, flaky ball sack. All right, listen. Listen to that. I do have a great show for you today. Listen, these right-wing podcasters have to stop. They have to stop. I demand it. Stop. Stop doing what you’re doing. And I’m not saying this as, you know, a whiny, bleeding-heart liberal. I do not expect you to stop seeking the deportation of all immigrants or forcing homosexuals to convert to pussyfuckers. Make women have all the babies. I don’t care. That’s not what I’m talking about. I demand you stop ripping off this podcast. These conservative guys are straight up lifting bits from distorted view, and I won’t stand for it any longer. The most recent culprit is Glenn Beck. Now, how many times over the past year or so have I gotten on the mic and started talking to Joe Biden or President Trump, fake mead skeleton, fake Richard Simmons
AUDIO
did someone call my name
Timmyboo
no no one did Richard
AUDIO
let’s start sweating to the old age no not today Richard let’s get physical physical
Timmyboo
this is who Republicans want to convert into a pussy eater
AUDIO
no fish shall pass through these lips I’m a penis-caterian okay hush up Richard
Timmyboo
so my point is I’ve been messing around with AI voices, LLMs, ML, CBT, PCP. You name the acronym, I’ve been doing it. On a recent episode of the Glenn Beck program, Glenn said he has programmed his own artificial intelligence bot. He fed this thing everything George Washington has ever written, along with other forefathers. He also generated AI video of what George Washington might look like now. And then Glenn interviewed him on his show. That’s right. George Washington appeared on the Glenn Beck show. The idea is that this is what George Washington would say about what is happening to our country today. And it is powerful. I guess that’s what we’re supposed to think. based on the dramatic music Glenn included to elicit some sort of emotional response out of all of us. This is very exciting. After 220 some odd years, George Washington speaks again. And the first person he wants to chat with is Glenn Beck.
AUDIO
George, we have programmed a lot of information and given you a lot of information on what’s going on in today’s America. Based on your writings and the writings of the rest of the founders, what is it that you feel is the biggest problem or where we should start to fix things? If I may speak plainly, my countrymen, the danger, the greatest danger to our republic lies not in foreign arms or political faction, but in the decay. May I just interrupt you for a second? Could you just dumb it down just a little bit?
Timmyboo
He hasn’t said anything yet. Glenn’s like, you overestimate my audience. Try to keep your words to two syllables or less. I think Glenn just didn’t like the path George was going down here. Try again.
AUDIO
I do have 29 points, and they’re all referenced to exactly what we said in the past. Just speak in today’s language. Okay, okay. I get it.
Timmyboo
Brown people bad. White, good. Perverts, bad. Man, woman, baby, good. You heard it here first. George Washington wants a return to the 1700s.
AUDIO
Let me speak to Americans. If I’m honest, America’s biggest problem isn’t political or economic. It’s all moral.
Timmyboo
People are freaking out in the comments. They’re like, this is poignant, powerful. Amen, Mr. President. He’s still speaking facts 224 years after he passed away. It’s like, no. He’s saying shit based on what Glenn Beck inputted. We don’t know what or how Glenn Beck’s people set up this George Washington AI model. If they even did, they could be pulling a Tim Henson where it’s just like I make Jordan Peterson say whatever I want.
AUDIO
I had a dream about my grandmother’s matted pubic hair again. This time pieces got stuck in my teeth. I couldn’t pull it out. when I finally was able to grab on to a tuft of the hair lodged in between my molars. I yanked so hard and with such force, all of my teeth came flying out of my head. That’s when I saw the bulge forming in between my grandma’s legs. Her member grew and grew to about 13 inches. She then said, Jordan, you’re going to be grandma’s throat slut. And she began to jam, poke, and prod her way past my lips, past where my teeth once were. I was giving Grammy a gum job and I loved every second of it.
Timmyboo
Jordan, that’s great. I was asking you about activist judges, though.
AUDIO
Oh, I’m sorry. Up yours, woke moralist. We’ll see who cancels who.
Timmyboo
I mean, obviously, the fake George Washington is saying stuff Glenn Beck himself strongly believes in. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be posting this on his YouTube channel. So it’s conceivable he’s making George say whatever it is he wants.
AUDIO
You’ve drifted from the virtues that make liberty possible in the first place. Freedom. To be free, you have to have discipline. You have to have faith. You have to have character.
Timmyboo
You see what I mean? To truly be free, you have to be a Christian. I think that’s what he’s trying to say here. You got to have faith. It’s so important.
AUDIO
And if you don’t have any of those things, laws. Laws can’t stop anything. They mean little. Government turns either weak or oppressive.
Timmyboo
So Glenn said he used a lot of George Washington’s words, speeches, all that sort of stuff to create the character of George Washington. But how does George know about all of the current events he’s referencing? Did Glenn Beck cherry pick what was inputted there?
AUDIO
You have grown skeptical of truth. You’re reckless with debt.
Timmyboo
Okay, so Glenn Beck shared with George Washington my credit score. Not cool.
AUDIO
accurate but not cool you’re reckless with debt you’re comfortable uh blaming instead of building
Timmyboo
anything by the way take a look at the chapter artwork 2025 george washington kind of looks like robert de niro if you ask me you know where are the citizens who value duty over comfort
AUDIO
principle over popularity america was built to be a moral and self-governing nation okay i mean
Timmyboo
George Washington was our first president. So yeah, he’s an important figure, but he wasn’t the only forefather. There are other people that helped build this country. People like John Jay. Now, he’s not a name most of you probably even know, but he was most certainly a founding father of the United States. And we have him here today. I took every piece of writing I could find from John Jay, every speech, which were mostly pro-slavery and arguments for child marriage. But, you know, it was the 1700s. It was a different time. Still, it’s a little strange that for him, these were the most important issues. Lot of town halls about incest. I inputted everything I could find into an artificial intelligence program and basically recreated the man. And he’s here right
AUDIO
now. John Jay, welcome to Distorted View Daily. I’m so happy to be here. Now, if you could kindly direct me to that sweet teen poon we can get this party started.
Timmyboo
No sweet teen poon. I’m just here to interview you and talk about the state of our country in your opinion.
AUDIO
I seem to be a little parched though if I could. Direct your house negro to fetch me a water or maybe an ale. That would be
Timmyboo
great. Boy, where are you? John, sir. You show your face now or you’re going to get a whipping, boy.
AUDIO
I don’t have… You fetch your master’s friend some water. now! John, I don’t have a slave. Oh, you’re one of the poors. What we call the wretched. That’s very unfortunate. No, it’s not that. You ever think about getting into the bean trade? Beans? Like black beans? Very lucrative. Americans love beans. We need beans in this country more than anything. Well, besides slaves. Beans and slaves. If you can get into either one of those markets, you’re golden, baby. All right, I’ll keep that in mind. But again,
Timmyboo
I just really wanted to get your opinion on where we’re at as a country right now and any advice you might have for the average American in 2025.
AUDIO
Unfortunately, I see America stagnating, its growth slowing, its people lazy and unwilling to do what is necessary to ensure the success of this once beautiful land. So the advice I have to the people of today is quite simple. Own land, own lots of people, By the way, I’m still very thirsty. House slave. House slave. Fetch me my water now. I’ve already asked you once. Do you have one of those iron hooks that affix to the slave’s necks? I really think it might behoove you to teach him a lesson. Because your negro was very slow. And it’s quite disrespectful to me.
Timmyboo
John, please. Can you get back to the advice to America?
AUDIO
Yes. My advice to the people of today is own land. Own people. and marry as early as the Lord allows, which in my opinion is immediately after puberty or slightly before. Sometimes that poon ripens early, if you know what I mean. This reminds me of the wise words by the ancient philosopher Galileo. He once wrote, Hi, this is Galileo 2333. We must be allowed to follow little girls into the restroom. That should not be illegal. We must be allowed to abduct and we want, it is a good thing. Short, yet poignant. Okay, can you just get to some useful advice? Yes, the way I see it, the problem with modern America is not corruption. It’s a heartbreaking lack of raw, greasy horniness. You people pretend you’re civilized, while the semen inside of your ball sack churns like bad stew, aching to blow out of your dormant cock hole, sealed shut due to under-utilization like a sand-swept entrance to an ancient labyrinth. Back in my day, we didn’t hide our urges. We slapped on a powdered wig, we got drunk, and we fucked like pigs in a field. Today you write laws to suppress your filth. Back then, we stapled our lust directly to the founding documents. We cleared our throats and assumed no one sober would ever read the footnotes.
Timmyboo
The fuck are you talking about?
AUDIO
Now, where are we on that poon I was promised?
Timmyboo
No, okay. Ladies and gentlemen, founding father John Jay.
AUDIO
Let me at least whip that slave boy of yours. It will do my heart good.
Timmyboo
No, I told you I don’t have one of those anymore. Let’s just move on. I’ve got some great crazy police body cam footage. Police were called to a church because a man entered and he became a little pushy. He was trying to enter restricted areas. Apparently the church has a VIP section. Club Starfish. It’s only for priests and the altar boys they invite back there. The police officer arrives and sees a man at the very front of the church, you know, up where the priest or, you know, pastor usually speaks. And he’s looking at the wall. I don’t know what exactly it is up there, but the guy’s very interested in something.
AUDIO
The deputy rolling to the sheriff’s office. How are you? I’m all right. Okay, so what’s going on today?
Timmyboo
He’s trying to open something that is up against the wall. I don’t even know if it’s something you can open.
AUDIO
Okay. Well, we can’t really do that. That’s the church’s property.
Timmyboo
All right. Your move crazy. He says, okay. And then falls backwards. And it looks like he cracks his head on the very, very hard floor. The police is not quick to jump into action. Yeah, that hurt. That smarts. Okay.
AUDIO
So how’d you end up here today?
Timmyboo
I think he’s not answering because he has brain damage. Because I’m Jesus. Well, now I know he’s got brain damage.
AUDIO
Do you have some friends around here or something?
Timmyboo
I thought the police was going to ask for ID. Do you have anything proving you’re Jesus Christ or the son of God? Can you perform a miracle to prove it to me? I mean, something. Give me something here. You gotta work with me.
AUDIO
For me to help you, you have to talk to me.
Timmyboo
Well, he rips some sort of crucifix off the wall. And then falls backwards again. So he’s holding the cross. And he’s just sort of writhing around on the floor. Okay, now we totally don’t believe you’re Jesus. You’re acting more like a demonic spirit. The cop, again, is not quick to do anything, right? He didn’t approach the guy until the crazy man lunged at the cop. Then the taser came out. By the way, there’s another person in the church just like praying in a pew. He’s kneeling. He’s like, can you guys quiet it down? I’m here on my lunch break. I’m trying to pray for my sick father. This is the only time I can do it. And this is really disturbing me. The guy keeps falling backwards. You’re just hurting yourself.
AUDIO
I got more people coming. He’s on something.
Timmyboo
High on the Holy Spirit.
AUDIO
20, how far out are you?
Timmyboo
Every time you hear a boom like that, it’s because he’s falling backwards and hitting his head. kind of doing the work for the cop if you think about it. He’s incapacitating himself.
AUDIO
He’s fell backwards off the thing here. He’s on something. Something or other. He ripped the crucifix thing off the top of the thing there.
Timmyboo
Not really a church goer.
AUDIO
He just went and grabbed one of the…
Timmyboo
He, I don’t know, grabbed that tea thing off of the wall. Might be some sort of light fixture. He’s staring at that picture of the man with the beard. And then Jesus said, fuck you. My favorite part of the Bible. I don’t know exactly what he’s saying, but Jesus is pissed. Now he’s throwing candlesticks, some sort of tablecloth, what looks to be frankincense and myrrh. He’s been holding on to that stuff ever since the wise men gave it to him. Wow. Jesus is a hoarder. Gonna try to arrest Jesus. Good luck, buddy. He fell backwards again. He wasn’t tased. Cops are able to grab onto him. Jesus all of a sudden becomes an expert on what is, what type of conduct is allowed in church. He’s like, you’re not allowed to arrest me here.
AUDIO
Put your hand. No, you’re not allowed to do this in here. Put your hand behind your back.
Timmyboo
He really thought he could just get away with anything in church. It’s like he got some bad legal advice. Churches are sanctuaries. Cops can’t arrest you for any crimes committed inside of the church. That’s why I cook meth in here. You aren’t allowed to do this in here. The rest of the video, really all of the video, is just a lot of screaming on the part of Jesus.
AUDIO
Oh, fucking mighty.
Timmyboo
Do you think he screamed this much when he was nailed to the cross?
AUDIO
Yes, I am! I need to calm down. Yes, I am!
Timmyboo
They don’t really describe that in the Bible, but this doesn’t seem to be the same Jesus.
AUDIO
I’m right here. I’m right here.
Timmyboo
Let everyone know Jesus is here. One night only. He’s got a performance at the First Methodist Church.
AUDIO
It’s me, motherfucker. I see you down there, the devil. I’m going to bench the breadline to the breadline.
Timmyboo
I’m not going to play much more of the audio because it is just him screaming nonsense. He was charged with resisting an officer and disorderly conduct. First went to the hospital to, I don’t know, sober up or whatever. And then he was booked into jail. So there you go. Finally, before we get into the news today, speaking of Jesus, I’ve got a pastor here urging Christians to do this one simple trick.
AUDIO
Sexuality is degenerate. It is bad for the populace. It’s bad for society.
Timmyboo
I’m ruining this country. It’s okay, freaks. Blame me. Death to America.
AUDIO
It’s been incredibly harmful. We’ve seen a full court press against our own children as a sacrificial lamb. And that lamb is delicious.
Timmyboo
What are you going to do about it?
AUDIO
It’s predatory. And I think, yeah, it is appropriate for us to be able to call it what it is and say, wait a second, this is perverse. It’s wicked. It’s faggotry.
Timmyboo
I have to agree with him. A lot of what I do and say is pure faggotry. Can’t really argue against that.
AUDIO
It needs to stop. I think that that’s OK. Yes, you can use that word on occasion, as I just did, to say, no, we’re not going to tolerate faggotry with our children. Cut it out. Stop it. Say Christ is Lord.
Timmyboo
Amen. Praise the Lord. God is good.
AUDIO
But again, but I don’t want it to become so common that it’s just, you know, it’s a constant flippant, you know, I don’t want the trivializing of.
Timmyboo
When you say faggot, I want you to mean faggot. Okay. I don’t want you guys just, you know, going, hey, that guy’s a fag. That’s faggy. You got to get guttural with it. I mean, it’s a faggot. You’re acting faggy. Stop fagging shit up. You see the gravitas in my voice there? Hey, fag. That’s not a trivial fag. That’s a I mean business fag. This guy is a pastor. I think the dude screaming, I’m Jesus, makes more sense than him.
AUDIO
Language, but strong language, you use it and you mean it.
Timmyboo
Oh, I think most people who use the word fag mean it.
AUDIO
It’s on occasion. Yeah, I don’t think that it’s a sin to say faggot in its proper. He says faggot, so faggy there.
Timmyboo
Faggot. Faggot. Faggot. Faggot. Okay, it’s my hunch this guy knows his way around dick. Faggot. That is a very refined gentleman faggot. Faggot. Now compare that to how Chuck Woolery says faggot. Faggot. Much more matter of fact. Faggot. He’s confident when he says it. Faggot. Not an ounce of nelliness.
AUDIO
Faggot.
Timmyboo
That’s a very, you know, Frasier way of saying faggot, you know? Niles, let’s go to the coffee shop and watch the faggots.
AUDIO
Faggot. Enough is enough. You’ve got the San Francisco gay choir a couple years ago writing songs. It was not a joke. It can claim in high school. Oh, I was just kidding. It’s not a joke. We’ll convert your children.
Timmyboo
Well, to be fair, it was a joke. Only crazy people think gays are converting children to homosexuality.
AUDIO
Stop it, faggots.
Timmyboo
You’re not going to stop anyone with that sissy talk. Have Chuck Woolery tell me to stop it, faggot, and then maybe I’ll listen. Maybe then I’ll stop trying to recruit kids.
AUDIO
No, you will not convert my children. You’re degenerates, you’re predators, and you’re evil. In the name of Jesus Christ, stop it. Back into the shadows.
Timmyboo
Ooh, talking dirty to me. All right, well, there you go. That’s what is happening in our country. Guys, it’s only a matter of time before I’m like sent to a camp or something. So enjoy Distorted View Daily while you can. ICE is going to be coming after me soon. Like they’re going to soon expand their scope. They’re going to be going after immigrants and deviants. Going to be de-ice. Oh, my God. That’s actually a pretty good idea. We’re the de-icers. All right. And with that, let’s get into the crazy, bizarre twist. To the fucked up news right now. Not a member of the Distorted View Sideshow. It is a great time to sign up. We’ve got holiday deals, which will give you 22% to 33% off. the normal membership price. Just go to distortedview.com. When you sign up, you gain access to all the exclusive shows I’ve done this year. Not just this year, since the very beginning. Right? We started the sideshow, what, in 2006 or 2007? There’s like thousands and thousands of past episodes to listen to. It’s a great deal. And any money I make, I am going to be putting it towards my defense fund when I am inevitably arrested for being a faggot. Yes. All major credit cards and PayPal accepted. Thank you so much to everyone taking advantage of these deals. Welcome aboard. You are now true and honorable freaks. Other ways to support the show, we’ve got that Patreon account, patreon.com slash distortedview. You can pledge as little as a dollar over there. Every little bit helps. Pledge at least $5 and you get access to a special voicemail line where I will play your cults first. Yes, we’ve got some patrons checking in today. You can also sponsor an episode of DV like our very own ropes of nut. We’ve got a smoke alarm test of patience at the end of the show for you, courtesy of him. If you would like to sponsor an episode of DV, just PayPal me $25. My address is show at distortedview.com. You can also go to paypal.me slash distortedview. Make sure to let me know who you are, how you want to sponsor the show. If you want me to relay any messages, talk about something, play audio, what have you. Again, $25 to show at distortedview.com. Okay, two very quick stories now. First up, we got one from our most fucked up state. Say it with me.
AUDIO
Florida, our most fucked up state.
Timmyboo
The drills are getting absolutely insane. A 36-year-old Florida man accused of stealing a BMW convertible and crashing it at high speeds told sheriff deputies that he didn’t steal the car. He just sort of appeared inside of it. It’s the damnedest thing. You ever seen Star Trek? You know how they use the teleporters? You know, they stand on that thing and they sort of disappear and then just pop up on the surface of a weird-ass planet. Same thing happened to him, except it was inside of a moving BMW and there was no one else in the car at the time. Like, his story falls apart rather quickly here, especially when you factor in things like physics and the current limits of technology. Yes. So the 36 year old said that he had been teleported into the vehicle, according to law enforcement and body camera footage released this week. I would like to see that body camera footage. Belouge County Sheriff deputies responded Monday afternoon to reports of a wrecked 2018 BMW convertible at Old Dixie Highway and Plantation Oaks Boulevard. After witnesses said the car was traveling well in excess of 100 miles an hour before it ran off the road. Passers-by pulled the driver from the badly damaged vehicle before the deputies arrived. Do you think possibly Jesus was behind the wheel? He’s been acting rather erratic lately. We heard the body cam footage earlier. Deputies identified the driver as Calvin Curtis Johnson of Volusia County. In video obtained from body cameras, Johnson, bleeding from facial injuries and wearing flip-flops, repeatedly denied stealing the car. I gotta find this. Hold on, let’s see if this thing is easily available. By the way, are you hearing that? Yeah, I’m using that old IBM keyboard I was telling you about. It may have been on a Sideshow exclusive program. I’m rocking an IBM Model M keyboard from 1987. It’s loud. It’s obnoxious. And it’s actually missing some important keys. You know, like the Windows key. And I guess if you’re on a Mac, it’s the option key. Yeah, it’s missing some of that. So it’s kind of a pain in the ass. I had to like remap some keys to make everything work. I don’t foresee me using this long term, but it is fun to type on. It’s different than even like a mechanical keyboard. I guess the Model M is considered a mechanical keyboard, but they have what it doesn’t matter. I was going to get into the whole buckling spring thing, but who the fuck cares about keyboards? The important thing is I found the police body cam video. Let’s take a listen here.
AUDIO
What’s up? I got my car stolen.
Timmyboo
From here? Oh, this is a guy whose BMW was stolen. This totally contradicts the teleportation claim of the person who ended up in the car. Let me fast forward to when the cops arrived at the crash.
AUDIO
He’s 30 miles an hour and I swear to God. Watch his vote. Do you have a fire suit? I don’t know. I don’t know. I teleported or something. Where’d you get the car from? I don’t know. I don’t know. He’s coming. I don’t know. I teleported. Where’d you go?
Timmyboo
You fire suit? He doesn’t know how he got in the car. Give me just one second.
AUDIO
Put your hands up on my car. Did you serve a tech board? Did you come from Bicentennial Park? He came from that. Bicentennial Park? They told me with X-Men to do it. Okay, but… What did he say? The X-Men told him to do it? They told me with X-Men to do it.
Timmyboo
Okay, but the dog park? I don’t know. No, the X-Men. You know, Cyclops, Professor X, Storm. Jesus Christ. What the fuck are you talking about, Centennial Park?
AUDIO
I don’t do that stuff.
Timmyboo
Well, he gets arrested. Back to the story here. The man was bleeding from facial injuries and wearing flip-flops. He repeatedly denied stealing the car, instead telling officers, I teleported or something. When asked where he got the vehicle, he made the same claim. According to the footage, he later thanked deputies saying, you saved me from the aliens. The owner of the BMW told investigators he had left the car unlocked. Well, then it’s your own damn fault. You can’t be surprised when someone steals it. Not only was the car unlocked, but the keys were in the cup holder while he was walking his dog in Bicentennial Park. A witness told police they saw a man who appeared confused enter the vehicle shortly before it was reported stolen. Johnson was taken to a local hospital for treatment of his injuries. After being medically cleared, he was expected to be booked into the Belusia County branch jail where he faces grand theft of a motor vehicle and driving with a suspended license charge. Belusia County law enforcement reminded residents to lock their goddamn cars. Come on, you got to do your part to make sure your car doesn’t get stolen. And safeguard keys whenever possible. Final story we have for you today. Maybe you guys didn’t know this, but GameStop is still around. It’s still a store that is in existence. I think they’re only around because for a while they were a bit of a meme stock. The company itself financially isn’t doing well, but their stock prices went through the roof because people just decided to buy it. Buy stock. It’s one of those dumb internet things. GameStop is hanging on. They recently held a special promotion. You know, the joke is you go into GameStop, you have like a PS5, 50 games, couple controllers, and they offer you 20 bucks or something. Their trade-in is notoriously low and kind of not worth it. Well, GameStop’s big promotion over the weekend was a trade anything day. You could show up with books, a blender. It didn’t have to be anything to do with games. You could literally trade in anything. Well, GameStop’s first ever trade anything day promotion over the weekend resulted in a flood of unconventional trade-ins. I bet you this was all part of the plan. Like, they were expecting people to bring in weird shit, and then there would be news stories about all these unconventional trade-ins, giving GameStop more press. It’s actually quite brilliant. I don’t know who their promotion people are, but give them a raise or at least some stock in the company. It’s probably worth more than whatever the fuck you’re paying them. Anyway, yes, there was a flood of unconventional trade-ins, including stuffed animals, household oddities, and nostalgic media. The nationwide event on December 6th invited customers to bring in almost any physical item in exchange for a $5 store credit redeemable towards merchandise. I guess there’s like a limit. You can only bring in one thing. It’s basically they were just giving everyone $5 off something. The company set basic size limits and maintained that store employees retained final discretion over what would be accepted. I should have tried bringing in my Tim Henson anime fuckface pillow. Still available in the Distorted View store. GameStop said it received more than 80,000 items during the one-day promotion at locations across the U.S., with some stores reporting dozens of unusual objects in hand. Things like a dead bobcat. You only got $5 for the dead bobcat? It was taxidermied, so it wasn’t just like, you know, a bloody carcass, which I’m sure the GameStop employees appreciated. Yeah, among the highlights were a taxidermy bobcat, a taxidermied goose, and a physical Netflix disc for the Nintendo Wii. Oh, I remember that. Yeah, if you wanted to run Netflix on the Nintendo Wii, You literally had to put in a disc in order to load the app. Remnants of a now discontinued streaming service format. Independent reports and social media posts also noted a speed limit sign. Someone just ripped a sign off the side of the road. A painted portrait of a dog with stylized hair and classic Nike Air shoes. Well, that was stupid. You’re only getting the $5 gift certificate. Local news outlets said shoppers also brought in other unusual offerings, ranging from bowling balls to what social media users described as kitsch and random household items. GameStop’s own rules for the event excluded hazardous materials. No piss or shit. You know, someone was going to try to bring in a vial of their fucking smegma. No live animals, weapons, or other dangerous or regulated goods. Although taxidermy animals were permitted. Store staff were given authority to refuse items they deemed inappropriate or unsafe. Some of the other items that were traded in during the promotion, a creepy doll collection, a VHS tape of Friends, a gas mask, canned soup, a single plastic spoon, a copy of Bee Movie, and balloon animals. I think a lot of people overthought it. Like, if you could just bring in a fucking plastic spoon or, like, a straw from a disposable cup. Just do that. Get your fucking $5 gift certificate. There you go. That, my friends, is your day store to news for Friday. Let’s check in with the freaks and see what they’ve been up to. For Harry Cunt. Send those nudes and those filthy texts.
AUDIO
It’s for Harry Cunt. For Harry Cunt.
Timmyboo
Yes, in addition to our voicemail line, 206-666-4463, we have set up the 4 Hairy Cunt line where you can text me. Got a message recently from the 715 area code. Now, yesterday on the Sideshow Exclusive program, I was talking about my mechanical keyboards and how disgusting the insides were. It was just like hair and God knows what else. I was cleaning my keyboards the other day. I posted a picture on Facebook. Anyway, a listener mentioned that when he was in college, he did copious amounts of cocaine to stay awake. And he would find Coke crumbs in his keyboard. And my question was, was there enough there? Because Coke is precious, like every living child. Wouldn’t you try to collect all the Coke crumbs from the keyboard and then snort it or whatever? You wouldn’t let that go to waste, right? Well, someone from the 715 area code wrote in, I’m listening to the part in today’s episode where you’re talking about the keyboard coke. At one very low point in my life, I used tweezers to pick little bits of weed out from my keyboard crud. It wasn’t enough to be worth it though. Oh, and then someone from the 810 area code wrote, oh, this is what the whole ropes of nut thing. You let Lars from California steal my name. I guess you can only claim a name if you call into the voicemail line. I don’t know the rules there. Look, I’m just the host of this dopey show. I call you, again, whatever it is you tell me to call you, I call you. So you can be Ropes of Nut too. Fight it out. Who is the one true Ropes of Nut? We might have to set up a competition, right? A series of events to figure out who the true Rope of Nut is. Hillary, what is it? Hillary Loving Pickle Smoocher wrote in. If you do have Lord Douche on the show, he should tell his side of the Butterbell incident. We heard your side. It would be fun to hear his. 902 wrote in, imagine my delight when listening to the show on the way to work this morning and learning my favorite podcast host not only has heard of the IBM Model M keyboard, but also geeks out about it as I have been known to do. I was so close to purchasing a new Model M keyboard. You know, like I just said, there’s some keys missing. The company that bought the rights to the keyboard and they’re making them again. They’ve created some new versions, like modern versions of the keyboard with all the correct keys and everything in different colors. And I was like so close to buying one, but it’s like 180 bucks. And I’m just like, I’ve got kitchen renos. The house is falling apart. You know, dogs need to go to the vet. I cannot be purchasing old ass, well, new old style keyboards. I feel like we had very similar upbringings in many ways. Another great episode as always. Well, thank you very much, 902. Let’s move right along to some voicemails and we’ll start with patrons. Hey, Jim, how you doing?
AUDIO
I’m sorry, I’m yelling. Hey, doing okay. I’m calling because I got to be honest with you. I’m looking forward to the future Butterbell. Well, what’s going to be Butterbell?
Timmyboo
Oh, yeah. You’re inviting the cabinets. You’re thinking about flooring. Yeah. Yada, yada. We really, we were trying to decide on countertops. I, you know, Lord Douche wanted porcelain. And then we were like, okay, well, maybe it’s very hard to install porcelain, I guess. So then we were like, okay, quartz. And he wants very, there’s a lot of particulars, right? Like colors and the type of quartz. And now we just found some, I don’t know, engineered glass, some geos. something. I don’t know. It’s just stretching out. We haven’t even decided on countertops. We pushed the cabinets back. They’re going to be coming in I think beginning of January now. Oh yeah, that should be fucking. The plumber still hasn’t come in. We haven’t ripped out the old cabinets yet. It’s a year. It’s hard doing it during the week because Lord Douche works and I pretend to work doing this show. We’ll keep that shit up. But yeah, we really It would be so great if we had a sink again in the kitchen.
AUDIO
You mentioned you might have to change the soapboard, which I guess is very possible, because if your office is as old as you said it is, then very real possibility.
Timmyboo
Yeah, it’s a fucking disaster.
AUDIO
It’s not that anybody who listens to the show would ever take the advice of Thunderfield, but this ain’t sterile. It’s full of all kinds of crap. Even if somehow your hoo-ha or your dick is just the cleanest effing thing in the world, and you’re healthy as hell, it still carries kinds of certain bacteria that just aren’t meant for ingestion.
Timmyboo
I don’t think you have to convince most of us to not drink our piss. We’re all on the same page there. Fine, pending on… You know, you send a message to Will Blunderfield about that. Your own immune system. But yeah, it’s just because… I did hear that, like, if you’re healthy, piss is mostly sterile when it’s inside of you, maybe. But, like, the second it comes out of your piss hole, right, and it hits the air, it’s no longer sterile. Does that sound about right? I don’t know. Next up here.
AUDIO
Hey, Tim. Long time listener here. First time caller. So you’re not going to believe how I found out about TV. And recently, I was wondering if this show still existed. Because forever ago, I was a kid and I was a Mennonite in Ohio. And there was something called Tell Me. You can call it. Here’s the weather and shit. 800 number. And it had something called…
Timmyboo
How do these people… You’re telling me? You’re telling me about Tell Me. That’s where Distorted View was born, baby.
AUDIO
And there was this Distorted View show on this Tell Me extension. Oh, I see. Okay, I see what you’re doing. And I was this horny Mennonite kid. I wasn’t allowed to watch TV or listen to the radio, but I was like…
Timmyboo
Number one with horny Mennonites, Distorted View Daily.
AUDIO
Getting off of me.
Timmyboo
That’s who was listening to Distorted View back in 2000. Before it was a podcast, it was all blind people and Mennonites.
AUDIO
Raunchy stories.
Timmyboo
Sorry, horny Mennonites.
AUDIO
Horrible man that I was… I didn’t drink with. And then there was a sex-tastic Tuesday. You’re like, if you don’t feel like growing up after you’re done with this episode, there’s something wrong with you. And I’m like, play, episode. And that was the last episode I listened to. And it must be close to 20 years later. I’m in my 40s now. I was like, look it up. this show exists. It’s still running every day. So I’ve been listening for the last three months.
Timmyboo
Oh, really? Oh, my God. So you listened back in 2000 or 2001. Then 20-some years later, you’re just like, huh, yeah, that show distorted you, and you looked it up, and of course, I’m still doing my bullshit. The show still exists. That’s so crazy. I fucking
AUDIO
love the show, man. Oh, that is awesome to hear. I love the cold. I grew up in. I’ve been on a big self-development journey. I was like, I need to find something that was not wholesome and hearty material.
Timmyboo
You found it, baby. I’m so glad to have you back. Once a freak, always a freak.
AUDIO
Yeah, it’s good stuff.
Timmyboo
It took a while for him to renounce his Mennonite upbringing. But I got him! I always win. I have your soul now
AUDIO
You can do a Mennonite All right
Timmyboo
Let’s find some good Mennonite Sextastic Tuesday story
AUDIO
Keep it yourself Love it man
Timmyboo
Well again thank you so much That was awesome to hear That is all the time we have on this edition of the show I want you guys to email me Show at distortedview.com Distortedview.com is our official website Voicemail line for you 206-666-4463 that’s 206-666 oh god as you know spread the distortion STD tell all your friends about the show don’t forget to give us a 5 star rating a thumbs up or like wherever you can rate and review podcasts guys thank you so much for a great week of programs I leave you now with an extended test of patience see you back on Monday bye everybody *outro music*
AUDIO
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. We’ll see you next week.
