On Today’s Show:

Distorted View Daily – Monday, December 22, 2025
Day 11 & 12 of the 12 Deals of Distorted View Daily

Christmas week kicks off with a stacked episode as Tim Henson wraps up the 12 Deals of Distorted View Daily and dives headfirst into deranged news, internet lunacy, listener chaos, and the triumphant return of a Linda Finkel Hall of Fame legend.

🎄 Holiday Deals & Sideshow Specials

• 20% off orders of $50 or more at shop.distortedview.com using promo code AIDS (valid through Christmas)
• Sideshow Membership Deal: $6/month or $60/year—Black Friday pricing returns
• New year-by-year podcast archive feeds now live (2005 & 2006 available, more coming)

🔥 On Today’s Episode

• A grotesque and unholy Christmas poem involving Santa, Mrs. Claus, Krampus, elves, and felony-level trauma
• Tim vents about the ongoing kitchen renovation nightmare, including:
  • No sink for weeks
  • A boxed, unopened OLED TV aging in the hallway
  • The never-ending saga of returning and rebuying iPads
• Listener chaos erupts as freaks bid for or against a Unicorn Hamster sponsorship
• Political psycho Valentina Gomez resurfaces with vile immigration rhetoric and campaign insanity
• A 15-minute apartment hallway screaming match between neighbors that resolves absolutely nothing
• Two grown adults nearly come to blows over a Pokémon Go gym in public
• Linda Finkel Hall of Fame royalty returns: Lisa Gale drops TWO new songs, including:
  • Training a New Man
  • Red Light
• A brand-new Tainted Brass parody cover closes out the show

🚔 Distorted News

• Florida: Woman assaults Planet Fitness employee after being told to lower her voice
• Arizona: Senior county attorney arrested for public sexual indecency involving a juvenile in a Target parking lot

📞 Voicemails & Freak Feedback

• Zootopia 2 spoilers
• Frankie MacDonald AI conspiracy theories
• Praise for classic DV musical insanity
• Holiday despair, listener predictions, and general madness

Distorted View Daily is here for you during the holidays—whether you’re stuck with family, avoiding responsibility, or questioning reality itself.

🎧 Listen now. Support the show. Spread the distortion.
⭐ Rate & review wherever you get podcasts

AI Transcript (There Will Be Errors)

Timmyboo

Yes, Tim back here with your day 11 and day 12 days of deals of distorted daily do daily deals of distorted view daily Christmas time. Heavy fermentation. I don’t know what you’re saying. Heavy fermentation. I don’t know what you’re saying. It’s a 12 deals of distorted view daily. Heavy fermentation. I’m so sorry about that. Let’s try it again. I’ve got some amazing deals for the. hues of garbin. You know, if you’ve never listened to this podcast before, you’re probably very confused right now. Anyway, the point is, I’ve got two deals for you today as we wrap up the 12 deals of Distorted View Daily. First up, now until Christmas, take 20% off your entire order of $50 or more at shop.distortedview.com. Just use promo code AIDS, A-I-D-S, as in Santa Claus has got the AIDS this year, and his T-cell count is down by 20%. That’ll help you remember. Yeah, get 20% off your entire order at shop.distortedview.com using promo code AIDS. The other deal I have for you today is for sideshow memberships. If you’re upset because you missed out on those Black Friday deals, you’re in luck because I’m hurting for money just enough to reactivate that deal. Get a monthly subscription for only $6 or a yearly for $60. Act now before it’s too late. Just go to distortedview.com and become a true and honorable freak for the holidays. Cause you my good little ho-ho-hos, huh? 

AUDIO:

Santa gonna get his cookies? It’s Christmas! 

Timmyboo

Hey, freaks, it’s Monday, December 22nd, 2025. Coming up on the program today, the case against ugly Somalians. Plus, Linda Finkel Hall of Fame royalty is back in front of the microphone. A real-life battle at the Pokemon gym. And a pervert rubs one out to underage girl content in a Target parking lot. All coming up today. It was the night before Christmas, and Santa had a boner. He wanted a whore, so he picked up his cell and phoned her. He licked, fingered, and plowed the wet bacon hole. and the cracked-out whore rode Santa’s stiff, veiny meat pole. When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter, it was Mrs. Claus, and Jesus Christ did she get fatter. 

AUDIO:

You cheating son of a bitch, she screamed. 

Timmyboo

The whore just laughed as Santa’s ass was reamed. I can explain, Santa shouted. Yeah, we’re just friends, said the whore as she dismounted. Santa groveled, cried, and pleaded, I love you, honey. Mrs. Claus just laughed and said, yeah, well, I’ve been fucking the Easter Bunny. The divorce was messy, and Santa lost it all. He even gave up the elves during that frightful legal brawl. Santa couldn’t do it alone, so Christmas was no more. But the elves had it worse, for they were prisoners of war. Kids were pissed without toys under their trees. Those fucking cuntards learned the hard way that in life there are no guarantees. Fat and broke, Santa turned to booze. Why the fuck not? He had nothing else to lose. He took long, strained pisses in the middle of the streets and rolled weed with thrown out paper receipts. Getting high all day, he was quite the pathetic display. Then one night, he had an idea while lying in a ditch. I’ll stop feeling sorry for myself when I kill that bitch. So he hitched a ride back to the North Pole to kill the cunt who broke his soul. Mrs. Claus was fast asleep in her king-size waterbed and was promptly shot dead with a bullet to her head. The sound of happy clops came from the battered reindeer and the bruised little elves were merry with cheer. Mrs. Claus was a sexual tyrant, you see, and made all of Santa’s beloved friends her detainees. Whipped and beaten, she was an S&M demon. Her face would turn red when her urges would come upon. No elf could escape the wrath of her strap-on. When the elves heard the gun that caused the hag’s brain to splatter, they knew they’d never again be forced to eat fecal matter. Santa and helpers were once again reunited. Christmas returned and the children were delighted. So ends this tale of the most holy of knights. Yet no mention of Jesus, that was a slight oversight. Like kids give a shit about a baby and some wise men. They just want new toys every year again and again. Yeah, you may have gotten stuck with a deadbeat dad, but Mom will feel guilty and buy you an Apple iPad. Christmas isn’t about Christ, don’t you see? It’s about getting as much expensive stuff as you can for free. Now lay the fuck down or Krampus will drag you to hell. With that parting thought, good night and sleep well. 

AUDIO:

It’s Distorted View Daily with Tim Henson. Would you whip out your nice big present for me? Santa treats everybody right. Want to know what to give the family this Christmas? Give them diarrhea. Spank me, Santa. I’ve been a naughty girl. Spank me. Christmas only comes once a year, baby. Oh, dropping fucking logs. 

Timmyboo

Yes, Dimension back here with you to start Christmas week 2025. Got a great episode for you today. People emailing and texting in have been making fun about the kitchen renovations that really haven’t even started. We’re going on, what, week three or four of us not having a kitchen sink? And the work has been approved. Like, our home insurance is paying for the work to get done, at least, you know, to fix the sink, right? Which involves getting into the walls, replacing pipes, the whole fucking thing, right? What Lord Duj and I have to do, though, is, you know, pick out countertops and cabinets. He wants that all done before we allow the plumbers to get started. So now we’re looking, this is going to be a 2026 project. The thing with Lord Douche, again, love the man, but he does not pull the trigger. He does not move forward with things in a timely fashion at all. Remember, oh, I don’t know, five years ago at this point, when a neighbor’s car fell on top of his vehicles. Go back and listen to those episodes of the show. I can’t even explain how this happened. But yes, a car actually fell onto his cars. This is something that’ll only happen to Lord Douche, right? Well, you know, he’s got like one old car that he liked. It’s like an HHR. It’s the ugliest fucking thing. He loves the HHR though. Anyway, so that’s like an older car of his. And then he actually leased a newer car back then. And after about a year, he got the lease fixed. He waited so long for the HHR. I don’t even think the insurance is going to pay for it anymore. It’s still not fixed. There’s literally a garbage bag affixed to the back of the back window, the rear window, because it was blown out when the car fell on it. It’s been like that for years. I can only imagine what’s like the critters living in that thing, right? Like raccoons are nesting in there probably. And anytime I say like, maybe just, Why don’t you just sell it for parts or, you know, get 500 or a thousand dollars for that thing. You’re never going to drive it again. He gets mad at me because he loves that car so much. It’s like it’s it’s rotting in our driveway. It’s serving no purpose whatsoever. There’s no way that thing will ever start. And Lord Douche blames it on like all the different insurance companies, you know, getting involved because there’s like three different insurance companies. The guy was driving someone else’s car when it happened. So the dude had insurance. the woman who actually owns the car has insurance and Lord Douche’s insurance. They’re all duking it out, but I’m pretty sure it could have all been resolved. And I’m sure now it’s like it’s too late to do anything. Just like, okay, let me rant for one second about the television situation in our house. About four years ago, we bought a new TV. Like we saved up and, you know, Lord Douche likes to have nice, like a nice television set. So we have, we got an OLED, right? An OLED 65 inch TV, LG. It’s beautiful. At least I think it’s beautiful because it’s still in the box. We haven’t opened it yet. We’re not using this television. We’re not using this fucking 15, whatever, $2,000 television. And I’m like, by the time we finally open it and use it, it’s going to be so out of date. Like the software is going to update. It’s going to be super slow. You know how these smart TVs are now, right? This huge ass fucking TV box has been sitting in our hallway for years. And I always threaten Lord Douche. I’m like, you know, next time you leave the house, I’m opening the TV. And he’s like, I will kill you. I will drive a knife into your neck. And, you know, just like the Butterbell situation. I hate to keep bringing up the Butterbell, but it perfectly encapsulates what it’s like to purchase anything with Lord Douche. Originally, I found the deal for this television many years ago, right? A decade ago. I don’t know when we bought this OLED. And I purchased it. Pretty sure I got it on Amazon, right? And Lord Douche did the same fucking thing with the Butterbell. The TV arrives and immediately he’s like, you shouldn’t have bought it on Amazon. We should have used my credit card to buy it because I’ve got an extra year protection. So why don’t you return it? Now I’m returning a fucking 65 inch television to Amazon. And then Lord Douche looks and tries to find a better deal. I don’t know if I don’t remember exactly if it was the same price, but he found it somewhere else and he put it on his card. The idea was that I was going to just give him the money for the TV since, you know, I was going to buy it originally, which I never did. So I guess I shouldn’t even be complaining because, you know, it’s his money. But it is it is it drives me crazy every time I walk past that fucking TV in a box. And I’m like, we could be just enjoying this nice, expensive OLED television. But he refuses to open the fucking thing. The last thing I’ll mention. And I think I talked about this on the Sideshow exclusive episode. I just I never learn. And that lesson is you should just never I should never buy anything for Lord Douche or on behalf of Lord Douche or put anything on my credit card because it just turns into a huge ordeal. For years, Lord Douche has been talking about how he wanted an iPad mini. He’s like, it’s the perfect size for me. I can hold it with one hand. It’s really light. And, you know, when I’m looking up stuff for work or reading, whatever. So I found a really good deal on an iPad mini. And I thought, OK, this is going to be his big Christmas present. And it has turned into a goddamn nightmare because the second I presented him with the iPad mini, he started thinking, oh, maybe I need a bigger iPad. And then it’s like, what model should he get? We landed on an iPad Air. I purchased one of those. That has since been returned. Actually, the first, the iPad mini was returned. The first iPad Air was returned. We now have a second iPad Air. And there’s just no ending in sight. I don’t want you to think I’m mad at Lord because I actually pity him. I feel like it’s a mental illness and he really needs to seek help. You know, he wants me to argue with him. Like, he’s like, okay, talk me out of the iPad mini, which I don’t want to do. My thinking is just, it’s a, it’s an iPad. Just pick one. Just pick one. Who the fuck cares? You want a small one for it to be lighter? You go with that one. So I try to half-assedly argue. I’m like, well, you said you wanted something very small. This is a very small one. He’s like, yeah, but it doesn’t have a very good processor. And I’m afraid it’s not going to be powerful enough for the long run because, you know, he, he holds onto these iPads for a very long time. And so then I’m like, okay, we’ll go with the iPad air with the better processor. And then he argues, he argues with me about it. And I’m like, I really don’t get whichever one you want. He just wants, he wants me to come up with some definitive reason that’ll make his decision clear. And I can’t do that because he loves to argue and he can come up with reasons for or against anything. And B, I don’t really care. You know what I mean? Like, I care in the sense that I want him to have this gift, but the particulars, like, I don’t give a shit. I just want it to be over with. That would be like, um, that’s what I want for Christmas. I give you an iPad and you don’t make me return it and buy seven others. and return six of those. Like that, that’s what I want for Christmas. Just for something to be fucking done. I fear this Christmas wish will not come true. Speaking of Christmas wishes, I did want to mention the Unicorn Hamster ordeal. You know, Unicorn Hamster wanted to sponsor an episode of DV. He mistakenly told other freaks that that was his plan and now others are pledging money to block Unicorn Hamster’s sponsorship. Unicorn Hamster wanted to sponsor the December 23rd episode, which happens to be a sideshow exclusive one. I didn’t realize that at the time. Normally, I’d be like, no, you can’t sponsor a sideshow episode, but I think we’ve done it once before. We’ll allow it this time just because others have started pledging money as well, including one extremely generous donation. But what’s funny about this donation or sponsorship is they don’t really care one way or the other. They like Unicorn Hamster. John from Australia. First of all, thank you so much. That pledge really or donation or whatever you want to call it. Sponsorship really does help out. He says, hey, Tim, add me to the bidding for the 23rd. I don’t really care what you do. I like Unicorn’s content. He even suggested doing an entire test of patience with Unicorn Hamster’s voicemails. So I don’t know if this is actually a pledge for or a pledge against Unicorn. So if you would like to participate, you know, pledge some money to show at distortedview.com in support or against Unicorn. We’re opening it up to everyone, I guess. Act quick, though, if you want your name mentioned on the program, because, you know, you guys are listening to the show on Monday. On Monday, I will be recording Tuesday’s show. Enough of all of this, Tomfuckery. Let’s get into some audio. Valentina Gomez is back. She’s been campaigning hard. You know, she’s trying to run for Congress in Texas on a shoot all immigrants platform, which might actually work in Texas. Here, she shares with us her new idea on what to do with all these Somalians. 

AUDIO:

Instead of giving these scammy and ugly Somalians food stamps, give them MREs. 

Timmyboo

It’s a little hard to understand her due to her thick accent, which is funny considering her political leanings. In this video, she suggests we feed Somalians MREs. You know, that shitty food we make the military eat. 

AUDIO:

Give the memories. Our soldiers in the field have to eat this and they actually protect America and do something for this great country. The truth is, the United States is better off without all of these ugly Somalians. 

Timmyboo

Remember when politicians tried to hide their hatred for groups like minorities? This is kind of more refreshing. You get more fun audio out of these guys. She’s calling gay people faggots and sodomites, filthy pedos, Somalians, ugly. Go get them, Valentina. 

AUDIO:

The United States is better off without all of these ugly Somalians, Haitians, and rapist Muslims. Let’s make Texas the worst place for these leeches. 

Timmyboo

Picks the worst fucking music for her campaign videos. She’s one of these people who will post a video and it’ll get hundreds of thousands of views, 10,000 likes. Yet, when it comes time for the elections, she gets like 1% of the vote. You know what I mean? She’s like, a joke. We all love to watch her, but we don’t want her in charge of anything. All right, let’s move on. We talked about this not too long ago, but when you live in an apartment building and there are people that live above you, below you, to the side of you, you’re going to hear noises. People are just living their life. They’re not trying to be loud and obnoxious, but somehow through the walls, things get amplified. You just opening a closet or walking to the bathroom, Your neighbors might be able to hear that. It’s just something you have to deal with, and you can’t really complain about it because then you’re the asshole neighbor. It’s one thing if loud music is being played or kids are running through the apartment at three o’clock in the morning and you’re trying to sleep, but when it’s midday, this is the price you pay for living in an apartment. And so we’ve got a woman here who’s new to an apartment complex, an apartment living in general. She has approached her neighbor about the noises. It’s giving her a migraine. 

AUDIO:

It’s causing migraines. Yeah, and your child is right here, and you’re setting a horrible example. What’s wrong with you? Where? Where is she? Where is she? What’s wrong with you? Where is she? Where is she? Right here. Right there? Ha ha. Ha ha. Okay, so grow up. Go home. Stop banging on people’s doors. Stop banging on people’s ceilings. I have children. You’re an adult, and you’re stomping on purpose. No one is doing anything on purpose to you. No! No one’s doing anything on purpose. That’s how stupid you are. Oh, am I? Because I have… Hello, new neighbor. Hi. Hi, you’re so friendly. Hi. You don’t live in a house. You live in an apartment. Oh, but I didn’t kidnap my wife. 

Timmyboo

Oh, did I? All right, already with the accusations. She’s lived here for two days, and she already knows this dude’s business. He abducted some woman, claimed her as his wife. 

AUDIO:

To Texas. 

Timmyboo

Oh, did I? 

AUDIO:

Well, that’s what the neighbors told me. 

Timmyboo

Well, then why is she here? She got the scoop. 

AUDIO:

because she’s fucking decrepit. 

Timmyboo

Well, then she should feel lucky that someone actually chose her to be their wife. What are you wasting your time for? 

AUDIO:

Wasting my time? Because you’re stomping nonstop. 

Timmyboo

No, I’m not. 

AUDIO:

Because you’re such a loser. I’m not stopping. And you can’t take your fucking kids to the park. Why don’t you go back to Seattle? You can’t take your kids to the park. Hey, guess what? There are people that live in these units here? Yeah. And guess what? What? They hear you across down here and across here. Do they? And I have limited it. 

Timmyboo

I wonder how your neighbors feel about you screaming in the hallway. That’s a little disruptive. Her child gets in on the action too. The kid says that he or she is having a panic attack because of him making so much noise. 

AUDIO:

I’m having a panic attack because of you. Oh, you’re having a panic attack because of me? Yeah. But your mom has you come knock on my door so she can throw her little baby tantrum. I wanted to. Oh, you wanted to? Because you’re having a panic attack because what? Because what? My child, they make it a little bit annoying. 

Timmyboo

There’s going to be a murder in this building. One of these two tenants is going to wind up dead. You’re an adult. You’re not a child. 

AUDIO:

You are being deliberate because you’re too lazy. You’re a piece of shit. You’re too lazy to sit your kid outside. Guess what? You’re too lazy to sit your shit, kids outside. You’re lazy. 

Timmyboo

Guess what? 

AUDIO:

You’re lazy. 

Timmyboo

This video goes on for nearly 15 minutes. And it’s all screaming and yelling. 

AUDIO:

It’s because you’re stomping and you can’t regulate your children because you’re too late. You can’t regulate yourself. You’re banging on my ceiling all day and screaming for hours. Go home, call the manager, deal with it like a normal person. You don’t have the right to be knocking on people’s doors and harassing them. 

Timmyboo

That’s kind of the right response, right? It’s like, go through the proper channels. If you have a problem with me, talk to the landlord or property manager. Call the cops. He’s standing there screaming in the hallway for 20 minutes. disrupting everyone in the building. Tell the manager, call the cops, 

AUDIO:

do what you gotta do, and grow up. Okay, bye. So like 12 hours a day, I’ve been dealing with this. Every day, 12 hours, call the cops. Because you’re too lazy to take your fucking kids outside. I’m so hurt. You got me. Okay, hurt. Bye. I hurt you. You’re too lazy to go outside. 

Timmyboo

Yep, you’re right. We’re only halfway through the video at this point. Be respectful. Call the cops. Call the manager. Show them your video. 

AUDIO:

What is yours going to do? You’re yelling for no reason. 

Timmyboo

Oh, yeah. Some of the other neighbors are finally coming out. Like, what the fuck is going on? What is yours going to do? 

AUDIO:

You’re yelling for no reason. It’s no reason. That’s why you don’t get it. You don’t get it. You don’t get it. This is not how you go about it. You go about it by calling the manager. 

Timmyboo

He says the same thing over and over. You know there’s not going to be any resolution at the end of this video. 

AUDIO:

Honestly, what is your problem? Just leave. What is yours? Are you a guy or a girl? Wow. Really? Really? It doesn’t matter. Really? You’re going to pull that? So now you’re a fucking bigot. You’re a sexist bigot? Why don’t you go back to Seattle? You don’t even know what that means. Why don’t you go back to Seattle? You don’t even know what that means. You just asked this person if they were a guy or a girl. First of all, how is that any of your business? My daughter’s gay. 

Timmyboo

Oh, my God. This is so infuriatingly stupid. but I got to get out of this. Everyone go back into your shitty little apartments. I was right, by the way, at the end of the 15 minute video, nothing has been resolved. My favorite comment came from someone who said, you know, there is absolutely zero value to this video, yet I sat and watched all 15 minutes. Why do I do this to myself? That pretty much sums up every clip we play here on TV. Moving on. Oh boy, were we gifted an amazing Christmas present this year. You don’t even know, guys. Let me just say this. The queen has returned. It’s been a while. I honestly thought she had rode off into the sunset. I know my analogies are a little fucked up right now. I’m saying she’s a queen and a cowboy, but it’s kind of true. She’s both. She’s both of those things. She’s the queen of the cowboys. In her first music video, she was teaching cowboys a thing or two. I’m giving you some hints here. She’s a musical artist. Quite possibly my favorite Linda Finkel Hall of Fame nominee. 

AUDIO:

In order to be a man, you gotta toe the line. My girl Lisa Gale is back. 

Timmyboo

Now my baby. I’m actually embarrassed to admit this, but I had no idea Lisa Gale was back with new music. And you assholes didn’t clue me in either. It’s kind of understandable. I mean, Lisa Gale has been away for such a long time. Thought maybe she finally got it through her head that she’s not a great singer. No, no, no. She’s just, she’s as delusional as ever. What I love about her new song. She’s actually got two new songs. Oh yeah. 2025 is ending on a high note for Timmy Boo. The first song, and I think this is my favorite. This was posted just 11 days ago. It’s called Training a New Man. Lisa is in a leopard print skirt and fishnet stockings, and I am here for it all. I’m officially straight, guys. All right, let’s take a listen to her new tune, Training a Man. It’s almost like a sequel to Three Second Rule. 

AUDIO:

Most men drive you crazy. Well, maybe just a few. 

Timmyboo

Oh, I love that accent. 

AUDIO:

They never hear a word we say. They don’t even have a clue. 

Timmyboo

Nice rhyme there. The music video takes place in her bathroom. She’s in the bathtub. No water in the bathtub, but she’s got a glass of wine or maybe water. 

AUDIO:

Training a new man. Ain’t on my bucket list. Well, it’s taken me some time to train the one I had. Don’t get me wrong. I love the man I was with But if you back me into a corner I’m gonna plead the fifth 

Timmyboo

Guys, what does that mean? Did she kill her man? Because he was untrainable? 

AUDIO:

One thing that’s for sure Don’t lie to me 

Timmyboo

Yeah, motherfucker, do not cross Lisa Gale The music video is delightfully low budget in that it’s just one shot. It’s literally just her singing in the bathtub. There is a cameraman who tries to do some artsy stuff. Like, you know, the camera kind of hides behind a door and then peeks out and looks at Lisa Gale in the bathtub. I mean, take a look at the featured image over there at DistortedView.com and SuperFreakSideshow.com. You can see sexy fishnet stocking, leopard print Lisa Gale. Oh, the other song, she just posted this yesterday. This song is called Red Light. 

AUDIO:

I feel like there’s a lot of guys fucking around with Lisa Gale here. 

Timmyboo

She is jilted. 

AUDIO:

With your car gone out for that Coke, I would have saved myself a lot of trouble by using my head. I should have left you at the red light instead. 

Timmyboo

I love when Lisa sings about her man troubles. Like a lot of Lisa Gale songs, it’s kind of repetitive. After the first verse, you’re like, I get it. Red light. You should have left them there. There’s a nice crescendo to the song towards the end. 

AUDIO:

I can see. I can see. Now that I know. Now, know, know. 

Timmyboo

I added a little to that. Lisa Gale, if you ever want to duet, I’m open to collaboration. I did do a version of Lisa Gale’s song, Three Second Rule. 

AUDIO:

It’s the time to keep my man in line as long as he knows the three second rule. Oh, oh, yeah. I also have a rule called the five minute shit. I don’t want you in the bathroom masturbating to thoughts of some other lady. You’re in there to do one thing and one thing only. When you eat those spicy wraps, you need to take a burning crap. Just stick to blowing mud and keep from pulling your pud. I can hear you stroke. That’s when my five minute rule comes into play. You can only take a dump for five minutes Then flush away It’s called my five minute rule So you aren’t in there playing with your tool It’s just my five minute rule It’s designed to keep my man in line As long as he’s just taking a stool The question remains though What happens if you’re a bad boy and you don’t follow my rules? I lock you in a room when I leave so you cannot cheat. Uh-huh. And if you try to leave, I’ll just cut off your manly meat. Oh. Your dick should get hard just for me. My screeching voice should cause your arousal. I’m close to the edge. I’m just about to snap! And I’m menopausal! I need my estrogen cream! My pussy dryness is pretty extreme. It’s just my three-second rule. It’s designed to keep my man in line as long as he knows the three-second rule. Like the kind of rule you learned in school. Where are my bipolar pills? I just have my prescription refilled and I need my schizophrenia pills. 

Timmyboo

It’s a superior version of the song, I think. That’s what Lisa Gale was trying to convey with her song. I know what you guys are saying. If any song is primed and ready for the tainted broth treatment, it’s the distorted view version of Three Second Rule. Well, I’ve got some great news for you. The boys have gone into the recording studio and they promised me by the end of the show today, they will present me with their cover of Three Second Rules. So we’ll play that at the end of the program. Real quick, before we get into the news, I’ve got another altercation here between two very sad individuals. Maybe you guys could explain what the problem is here. Two adults, even though they sound like children. These are adults fighting over a Pokemon gym, I guess, in Pokemon Go. 

AUDIO:

I fucking got this gym put in here. 

Timmyboo

That’s a woman, by the way, who is screeching. 

AUDIO:

I fucking got this gym put in here. That’s cool, but it’s here now. Yeah, but this is my gym. 

Timmyboo

Yeah, but if the gym is accessible by other people, what is he doing wrong exactly? 

AUDIO:

No. Yes. This is my gym. 

Timmyboo

I guess I don’t understand Pokemon Go. Is this a real issue? No, it’s not. 

AUDIO:

Yes, it is. It’s a magic gym. No. Yes. I got this shit put in. That’s cool, but look. So, look. Look at that attack right there. 

Timmyboo

Uh-oh. 

AUDIO:

Ooh, damn. 

Timmyboo

He’s doing stuff in her gym, which is a problem. 

AUDIO:

That’s a good one. Look, this is so my son doesn’t have to walk across the street at night. Yeah, I don’t want to have to walk or drive. But you’re not going to have to walk around. Yeah, but you fuck. 

Timmyboo

There is an actual child, but the child’s in the car, I think, filming this. 

AUDIO:

The kid’s like, can I get my phone back so I can play Pokemon? But you fucking get dry. So can you. No, I can’t. I’m fucking blinding one eye. You have both the phones in your hand right now. Why don’t you walk? 

Timmyboo

Because I’m. These are two grown adults fighting over Pokemon in the middle of the street. 

AUDIO:

You have both the phones in your hand right now. Why don’t you walk? Because I’m blinding. I don’t want to get hit by a car. Oh, look at that. 

Timmyboo

Uh-oh. He’s doing some other stuff now. I don’t know if he’s taking Pokemon or fighting Pokemon, but she gets so angry she slaps the phone out of his hand. 

AUDIO:

See that? Well, you are a fucking dick! 

Timmyboo

Right there. 

AUDIO:

Excuse me? 

Timmyboo

Well, she tried to knock it out of his hand. 

AUDIO:

Excuse me? You are a fucking dick! Did you just touch my phone, lady? Yes, I did. Excuse me, you need to step away from me, lady. You need to step away from me, lady. You need to step away from me. 

Timmyboo

She’s a very petite flower, isn’t she? This is my motherfucking gym! Those are my Pokemon, dipshit. I’m blind in one eye. This is all I got. Today, I learned that Pokemon Go is still a thing. And apparently, people get very riled up over it. All right, and with that, let’s get into the Crazy Bizarre Twist. Ta-da, fuck, da-doo! Right now! Hey, it’s a great time to sign up for the Sideshow. And there’s another reason why you might want to subscribe right now. You know, last year we switched over from using superfreaksideshow.com to distortedview.com, at least for new members. You know, old members who had signed up over there at superfreaksideshow.com can continue to use the website. But for new members, it made things so much easier in regards to like using your podcast app with the sideshow. We had some other cool features. We did our first soundboard, which is accessible from the member dashboard area. Every single episode of the show is available to listen to in our web app. And now the next step of that is finally yearly podcast archive feeds are beginning to become available. So, for instance, if you want to go back and listen to the 2005 archives, of course, you can do that online on the website through the web app. But now you can also subscribe to the special 2005 Archive podcast feed. Add it into your Apple Podcasts or Overcast or Podcast Addict, what have you. You’ll have every episode of 2005 now in your podcast app. 2006 is also available. I wanted to start with two years. Make sure everyone can access it okay. There’s no glitches, no problems. Over the Christmas break, I plan on adding more years. Just log into your account over there at distortedview.com. On the member dashboard, there’s instructions. Pretty easy. You just copy your special little feed code thing and paste it into your app and you’re good to go. Thanks for being patient with that, Freaks. I wanted to do this earlier in the year, but it was absolutely crazy with my mom and everything. It took some time to figure out all the technical aspects to getting this thing to work. But I think we’ve got it figured out. Give it a shot. Let me know how it goes. If you’re not yet a member, go to distortedview.com right now. Got those special holiday deals going on. Other ways to support the show, we’ve got a Patreon account, patreon.com slash distortedview. Pledge at least $5 and get access to a special voicemail line where I will play your calls first. You can always sponsor an episode of DV. $25 is all it takes. Just PayPal me show at distortedview.com. Okay, two very quick stories now. 

AUDIO:

First up, we got one from our most fucked up state. 

Timmyboo

Say it with me. 

AUDIO:

Our most fucked up state. It’s our most Fuck up state It’s Florida 

Timmyboo

Okay, thank you These jingles are getting too long Yes, we got a story here from Miami A 35-year-old woman was arrested After a viral video captured her Violently attacking a gym employee At a Planet Fitness In an incident that began After she was asked to lower her voice Yeah, women don’t like that That’s the two things you should never tell a woman Calm down and lower your voice Those will both result In a bad time for you The confrontation took place On December 12th At the Planet Fitness facility in the Little Havana neighborhood where authorities were initially called to investigate reports of a disturbance inside of the gym, including a woman yelling loudly and causing a commotion among other members. It’s insane to me that there are altercations at the gym like that because whenever I went, and I haven’t been to the gym in a very long time, but I was a Planet Fitness member. I was there primarily for the free pizza on Fridays. The weirdest, most backwards ass gym. They’re like, we want you to stay fat. Basically, we just, we want to keep collecting that membership money. It’s only $9 a month. We need your money to keep coming in. It’s actually a brilliant business model. These people are thinking, oh, I’m actually doing something for myself. Like I’m bettering myself. I’m getting in shape. I’ve joined the gym. I go to the gym. But what happens when you go to the gym? There’s donuts and Ho-Hos and milkshake Thursdays and deep fried Fridays. It’s insane. It’s the weirdest place. Anyway, my point is, you know, whenever I would go to the gym, my interactions with employees and other gym goers was minimal. I don’t think I ever talked to another person there. There was no need to. Everyone, for the most part, just minds their own business. According to the arrest report, the employee approached the woman identified as Kiera Bryant and asked her to either lower her voice. Okay, so she was being loud. Or leave. When she refused and continued to act disorderly, The worker warned he would contact law enforcement. Body cam and surveillance footage reviewed by investigators show Brian approaching the employee aggressively. Actually, I have the video here. Let’s see exactly how disorderly Kiera was. Oh yeah, she slapped that employee pretty hard, but before that, it looks like she jumped on or over a desk divider area to get to the employees. judo chop. And she continues to wail on him while all the other employees just sort of stand around not helping him. They do not want to get involved. At no point does this woman lower her voice as she’s told. Now she’s throwing like staplers and stuff against the wall or at his head. It’s interesting. I don’t think she’s really in gym attire. She’s in some sort of blousey top. I mean, it’s showing off her midriff, but it’s all like tied and it doesn’t look like gym stuff. I kind of want to see what she’s throwing here. I don’t know what that bottle was. Maybe it was hand sanitizer. She casually walks out. She had to know that the cops would find her. I mean, Planet Fitness has your name and address. You have a membership there. I mean, you did. I mean, now you don’t. Yeah, she punched the worker multiple times with a closed fist as he attempted to shield himself. Other gym staff and bystanders can be seen trying to intervene eventually as the attack unfolded. After the assault, Bryant exited the gym and got into her car, but bystanders prevented her from leaving. Oh, wow. Until police arrived when officers took her into custody. she admitted confronting the employee because he’s a little bitch and acknowledged being aggressive after being told she could not be disorderly inside the gym. She really doubled down on that disorderly thing, huh? The employee was transported to a hospital with a broken nose, nice shot, and reported emotional distress. The victim’s lawyer has argued that the severity of the injuries could warrant more serious charges, but Bryant was booked on misdemeanor counts. Bryant was charged with misdemeanor battery and disorderly conduct in an establishment and released on bonds set at $150. In a statement, Planet Fitness said the safety of its employees and members is a top priority and it has zero tolerance for violence. The gym said it is cooperating fully with law enforcement and has canceled Bryant’s membership. You are not welcome to any of our Planet Fitness pizza parties any longer. All right, second story we have for you today. This one comes from Cochise, Arizona. Cochise County officials fired a senior county attorney and charged him with public sexual indecency. This could be bad. It could also be really bad. Let’s just see how old the victim is here. On top of that, he was also charged with evidence tampering, which I think is a big deal if you’re a lawyer. You could get disbarred for that, right? Yes, this all followed an alleged incident involving a juvenile. Well, there you go. It’s really bad. This all went down at a Target store in Sierra Vista. Target is really having a moment, huh? They seem to be in the news a lot, and it’s usually not for great reasons. Paul Coria, the county’s chief civil deputy county attorney, was arrested on December 18th after the Sierra Vista Police Department responded to a 911 call from a Target employee about a vehicle blocking another car in the store’s parking lot. Police learned that Coria had followed a juvenile girl inside of the store and allegedly recorded her on his cell phone. That’s pretty bad. And yes, it’s going to get worse. Investigators later confronted Coria in the parking lot after the girl’s father reported seeing him, quote, watching a video of his daughter with his pants disheveled. And, you know, there’s only two reasons why your pants might be disheveled while you’re sitting in your car. One, you shit yourself. You’re trying to shimmy him off, change him real quick. I don’t think that’s what happened here because, you know, He was watching a video of the little girl while he was doing it. It’s, you know, very incriminating. We all know what you were up to. I beat my big fucking penis. Penis. I beat my big fucking penis. Penis. I don’t know if he was chanting that, but, you know, he was masturbating to a little girl, basically. Officers seized Coria’s personal and work cell phones as evidence and obtained a warrant to search the devices. Around 3.45 p.m. on December 18th, Coria was taken into custody during a high-risk traffic stop in Benson with assistance from the Cochise County Sheriff’s Office. Coria was booked into the Cochise County Jail on charges of public sexual indecency and evidence tampering, and he remains in custody as the investigation continues. Cochise County Attorney Lori Zucco said Coria’s employment was terminated immediately after police informed her of the allegations. a county news release, she called the incident deeply disturbing, particularly given his role as an officer of the court entrusted with public confidence. Quote, while Mr. Correa is entitled to due process in the criminal justice system, he can no longer serve in any capacity in my office, Zuko said. She added that her decision reflects the gravity of the allegations and followed meetings with investigators, law enforcement leadership, and the victim’s family. Zuko, a veteran prosecutor with more than two decades of experience in sex crime cases said she asked Corey’s colleagues if there had been any indication of such conduct and was told there was none. Well, yeah, all of his co-workers are of age. He’s not into that. He’s into that sweet, underage Asian pussy. I don’t know if the girl was Asian. The only reason I say that is because, you know, like I mentioned, I was this is a total tangent, but I was working on getting those yearly archived podcast working and I listened back to a 2005 or 2006 episode and it’s got one of my favorite intros 

AUDIO:

check out our Asian frenzy with sweet Asian pussy spread open for your enjoyment 

Timmyboo

yeah this was some audio I captured from an old streaming site it was supposed to be like an online radio station business called Ksex Ksex Radio and I guess I don’t I don’t really know what the point of it was I guess it was just like all adult talk like hosted by porn whores and stuff maybe. These are the types of advertisements 

AUDIO:

that would play during commercial breaks though. Check out our Asian frenzy with sweet Asian pussy spread open for your enjoyment. At 4porno.com we have Boobtropolis. This site is a tit lover’s dream. Huge tits all waiting for you. You like wrestling? At Blow, B-L-O-W, the beautiful ladies of wrestling, we’ve got naked ass female wrestlers ready to fuck your brains out. You’ll probably also like Dancer Dorm the world famous dancers of rick’s cabaret with a dozen hidden cameras watching these women party 

Timmyboo

and fucked you’ve piqued my interest anyway i you know i i played that as an intro to dv back in 2005 maybe a few other times throughout the years but sweet asian pussy spread open for your enjoyment is a is a quote that i say often just because it’s something i remember with sweet asian pussy spread open for your enjoyment oh thank god they spread open those pussies for my enjoyment for me All of this spread open pussy is for me? Oh, thank you. You shouldn’t have spread that open. You went through too much trouble spreading open that sweet Asian pussy for me. How kind. You’re a very kind sweet Asian to go along with that sweet Asian pussy. All right. Are we done with this story here? The investigation remains active, and police have urged anyone with information to contact the local police. So there you go. That, my friends, is your distorted news for Monday. let’s do a couple voicemails and get the hell out of here yeah it’s a short week obviously because of christmas now i announced that we were going to do a monday and tuesday show and then a best of show i think i’m going to also try to add a mini program or two throughout the week it’ll probably be sideshow exclusive unless i can do two if i can do two i’ll do one sideshow exclusive one and then one for uh non-paying freaks i think i might be able to swing that i feel it’s important for Distorted View Daily to be there for you during the holidays, seeing as how it is a very trying time for everyone, you know, being around your psychotic family. 

AUDIO:

Try not to blow your brains out. Drive off a cliff or hang yourself. This holiday season, this distorted view is there for you. Jigoo. 

Timmyboo

And a merry Jigoo to all of you. All right, let’s check in with a few freaks. We begin with some patrons. 

AUDIO:

I don’t know where the hell my phone is, but I hope you can hear this. I think that’s how this works. Well, here’s my phone. Maybe it’s better now. 

Timmyboo

Oh, my God. Fuck no. 

AUDIO:

Anyway. 

Timmyboo

Train wreck in three, two. I’m probably not stupid for stupid. That’s so stupid. 

AUDIO:

The people are buying pit wipers thinking that they’re so cool and I misunderstood now. When there’s like a whole thing at the end of the movie. Spoiler alert. Sorry. 

Timmyboo

All right. He’s about to spoil Zootopia 2. So if you haven’t seen it and you give a shit, fast forward, I don’t know, 15 seconds. 

AUDIO:

Where they use pit viper venom to attempt to kill people. So it’s not like the movie is saying, guess what, they’re not venomous. 

Timmyboo

Wait, that happened in Zootopia 2? They use pit viper venom to kill people? That does not sound like a Disney cartoon. 

AUDIO:

They probably just saw what they wanted. 

Timmyboo

Okay. Your audio is a little shitty. 

AUDIO:

Hey, Tim, it’s promo code FREAK. And I’m just calling as a predictive and know when you’re a freak moment. Okay. You just said in the beginning intro to this episode, Frankie McDonald might be an AI robot. And immediately I just blurt out for no reason. I am not an AI robot! I’m not an AI robot! Anybody think of an AI robot, I’m not an AI robot! 

Timmyboo

Not a bad impression of Frankie. 

AUDIO:

I have a feeling that’s what… I am not an AI robot! Coming up, I’ll call to see if my prediction is correct or not. 

Timmyboo

Frankie has not addressed the AI situation anymore. His most recent video, which was, what, earlier today? I guess yesterday for you freaks, is about some weather. 

AUDIO:

This is Frankie McDowell, my own TV station live in City, Nova Scotia. Here’s my update for heavy rain headed towards Los Angeles. What if this guy is swimming in pussy? It was California on Wednesday, December 20th. He has like groupies and shit. For 2025, most of the heavy rain is going to start on Tuesday, December 23rd, or even hours now. It’s going to bring 100 plus milliliters of rain. It’s going to hit Burbank, Long Beach, including Glendale, Hanna-Hawyer, Orange County, Riverside, Hollywood, Victorville, Corona, California, and Orange County. 

Timmyboo

It’s going to rain on Christmas Eve if you live in Los Angeles. Oh, it looks like Frankie just posted another video. The very busy day weather-wise. Yes, Frankie, what’s going on? 

AUDIO:

This is Frankie McDonald. I’ve got some breaking news. There’s a tsunami warning for Nova Scotia, Canada, because I just made this bitch squirt so hard. The entire country is in danger of flooding. If you’re a fine hoe and want to experience my Frankie Danky Dong in your queef beef, hit me up. 

Timmyboo

Randy wants to stick his Frankie Danky Dong in your queef beef, fine hoes. That doesn’t sound like Frank. Actually, it does sound like Frankie, but I mean, that’s obviously Frank AI, the evil Frankie McDonald. Next up here. 

AUDIO:

Jimmy Boo, what it do? It’s Jimmy Boo. Jimmy Boo. I was listening to your November 5th show, and you brought out the musical goal, buddy. You brought out my cardboard heart in the abortion song. And I think that’s one of the funniest fucking things you ever came up with in your show, ever. 

Timmyboo

Well, I didn’t come up with it. I just found it. Ever. Your cardboard heart was a pair of some dorky ass teenagers who thought they were musicians 

AUDIO:

You’ve come up with a lot of funny shit So that’s, again, that’s gold And it always astounds me how those kids wrote a song with absolutely zero understanding And it’s confidence zero understanding of how an abortion works 

Timmyboo

I know, that’s so great about it 

AUDIO:

basically how pregnancy works. So it’s hilarious. And I think it’s very fitting that AI fixed the song to illegal abortion is what we need. You demand. You demand. Thank you very much. We love you. Keep it up. 

Timmyboo

Hit me, boo. Appreciate the call. That is all the time we have on this edition of the show. I want you guys to email me. Show at DistortedView.com. DistortedView.com is our official website. Voicemail line for you. 206-666-4463. that’s 206660 God is it 

AUDIO:

oh God the United States is better off without all of these ugly Somalians spread the distortion 

Timmyboo

STD tell all your friends about the show don’t forget to give us a five star rating a thumbs up or like wherever you can rate and review podcasts I’ll see you back tomorrow if and only if you’re sideshow members we leave you now with a cover of a parody of a Linda Finkel Hall of Fame song are you following ladies and gentlemen Tainted Brass 

AUDIO:

Hey y’all, this is Lisa Gale. Now three of my ex-husbands and five of my ex-boyfriends had cheated on me. That’s when I decided to institute some new rules. I wrote a little song about it. In order to be a man you gotta toe the line And as long as you’re able we’ll do just fine Now my baby only has eyes for me I know that sometimes there’s some girls you wanna see Well, that’s when my three-second rule comes into play You can only look for three seconds Then look away It’s called the three-second rule Like the kind of rule you had in school It’s just my three second rule It’s designed to keep my man in line as long as he knows the three second rule Oh, oh yeah I also have a rule called a five minute shit I don’t want you in the bathroom masturbating the thoughts of some other lady You’re in there to do one thing And one thing only When you eat those spicy raps You need to take a burning crap Just stick to blowing mud And keep from pulling your put I can hear you strove That’s when my five minute rule comes into play You can only take a dump for five minutes Then flush away It’s called my five minute roll So you aren’t in there playing with your tool It’s just my five minute roll It’s designed to keep my man in line As long as he’s just taking a stool The question remains though What happens if you’re a bad boy and you don’t follow my rules I’ll lock you in a room when I leave so you cannot cheat And if you try to leave I’ll just cut off your manly meat Your dick should get hard just for me My screeching voice should cause your wrestle I’m close to the edge I’m just about to snap And I’m menopausal I need my estrogen cream My pussy dryness is pretty extreme It’s just my three second rule It’s designed to keep my man in line As long as he knows the three second rule Like the kind of rule you learned in school Where are my bipolar pills? I just had my prescription refilled And I need my schizophrenia pills I’m out. This has been another excellent podcast from the Scrob Media Group. Learn more at Scrob.net. you