Bubbles the Puke-Eating Dolphin Bullies Fish Until They Vomit Lunch

September 29, 20268 min read

Tim

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Bubbles the Puke-Eating Dolphin Bullies Fish Until They Vomit Lunch

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Episode Summary

Norman Wicks upgrades his homelessness to a suspicious ambulance-van, Meade forgets to remember 9/11 on schedule, a dolphin bullies fish into vomiting lunch, and fraternity pledges marinate inside a humid basement full of condiments and mystery fluids.

Opening Chaos

Tim spends the past 12 months identifying as a low-battery smoke alarm, tormenting his girlfriend with endless beeping while somehow failing to detect an actual apartment fire.
Dr. Phil attempts compassionate intervention by threatening to shove two AA batteries up Tim’s ass. Modern medicine remains beautiful.
Two drag queens launch into a booth-side brawl, complete with a flying wig, chain theft and one combatant proudly emerging with her hair and eyelashes still attached.
The surrounding spectators provide catty commentary because every violent altercation deserves an unofficial judging panel.

Norman Wicks and the Emergency Ambulance-Van

Norman Wicks returns from the streets inside a larger, more dilapidated vehicle that he insists is an ambulance because it contains his medical equipment.
Police call it a van, neighbors report it after several days at the curb and Norman responds with his usual sophisticated legal strategy: screaming that everyone should fuck off.
An officer warns that parking enforcement will mark the vehicle, beginning the slow march toward a future towing incident Norman will somehow consider completely unexpected.
Norman and his son call 911 over the parking dispute, demand a sergeant and inform the dispatcher that police officers are bothering them.
The dispatcher immediately recognizes Norman and reminds him that a parking warning is not an emergency. Apparently, this is not their first romantic encounter.
Father and son scream over each other until Norman orders his son to shut up, proving there can be only one furious man shouting nonsense inside the ambulance-van.

Meade Forgets His Own 9/11 Tribute

Meade Skelton publishes a video titled We Forgot 9/11 after forgetting to make his own 9/11 video because he was preoccupied with how unattractive he feels.
Meade imagines that if he had died in the attacks, he would have selected his most handsome photograph for the newspapers—apparently from beyond the grave.
He recalls hearing that a small plane struck the World Trade Center before getting ready for “skew”, once again losing a fistfight with the English language.
Meade is depressed that coworkers discussed weekend plans instead of wearing flag pins and spending the entire anniversary emotionally submerged in national tragedy.
He complains about “professional widows of 9/11” wallowing in grief, then proceeds to wallow in 9/11 because it was a defining moment in his own life.
Barack Obama and the Saudis eventually wander into the lecture, because no Meade sermon is complete until history, racism and chronology are blended into a thick paste.

️ Distorted News

Taco Vendor Confrontation Devastates a Cleaning Business

Francesca Ortega, owner of a Southern California cleaning company, goes viral after confronting taco vendors, insulting them in Spanish and threatening to call immigration authorities.
Ortega reportedly complains that the vendors operate illegally, hurt rent-paying businesses and make the neighborhood resemble Mexico.
Her company’s listings are flooded with negative reviews, prompting Ortega to lament that the business she spent a decade building has been ruined.
In a particularly inventive counterattack, Ortega replaces her company’s public phone number with the number of an online critic, redirecting the angry calls toward him.
She later describes her behavior as a mistake, says she never intended to hurt anyone and reveals that she is pregnant. The world’s smallest violin remains fully booked.

Bubbles the Vomit-Eating Dolphin

A bottlenose dolphin nicknamed Bubbles has developed a revolting shortcut for dinner near Australia’s Great Barrier Reef.
Bubbles selects a bigeye trevally, isolates it from the school and chases it until the stressed fish vomits its recently eaten meal.
Once lunch comes back up, Bubbles stops the pursuit, eats the regurgitated food and allows the traumatized victim to swim away.
Researchers documented the behavior repeatedly between 2021 and 2025, including feeding sessions where Bubbles performed the trick as many as ten times in thirty minutes.
The dolphin appears to target fish with fuller bellies and refuses to harvest vomit from other species. Even a puke-eating sea monster has standards.
No other local dolphins have been observed copying the technique, leaving Bubbles alone at the bottom of the reef’s culinary dignity chart.

Fraternity Pledges Found Marinating in Mystery Fluids

Police investigating suspected hazing near the University of Wisconsin–Madison discover roughly 30 partially clothed young men packed inside a hot basement.
The pledges are reportedly covered in food, condiments and unidentified liquids, creating the atmosphere of a fraternity barbecue catered by sexual deviants.
Black walls and a thermostat set to 81 degrees turn the basement into a humid crockpot of ketchup, sweat and deteriorating human judgment.
Several pledges display fresh injuries that police believe may be consistent with physical assault, though none require transportation for medical care.
The chapter president and vice president are arrested on suspicion of misdemeanor hazing and disorderly conduct, but prosecutors had not formally charged them at the time reported.
Student rumors claim the mystery substance may have included feces. Authorities have not confirmed the exact ingredients in this deeply unwanted marinade.

Freak Voicemails

Unicorn Hamster introduces a newly possessed identity called David Super Hamster, forcing Tim to play an extra voicemail as compensation.
Goons, Bader and Jisbert explains how high infant mortality dragged down historical life-expectancy averages, confirming that not everyone simply disintegrated on their 35th birthday.
Davide encounters someone claiming dissociative identity disorder and responds by laughing, leaving everyone to decide whether the diagnosis or his reaction deserves greater scrutiny.
A closeted caller celebrates using “bitch boy” against spam callers and asks whether his secret sexuality grants permission to use a certain slur.
Tim recommends coming out in 2026, if only to simplify the increasingly complicated paperwork surrounding forbidden vocabulary.