On Today’s Show:
Deal of the Day: $5 off Distorted View pint glasses — grab the classic DV pint glass or the Tainted Broth frosted pint glass. Use promo code BUZZ at shop.distortedview.com (today only).
Kick off the weekend with a holiday-flavored chaos buffet: Tim issues an apology that somehow makes everything worse, shouts out today’s sponsor dedication, and dives into fresh audio from internet oddballs, public meltdowns, and a couple of genuinely wild news stories — including a stage electrocution scare in Peru and a razor-blade bakery sabotage case tied to Walmart products.
On the show
- The “apology” segment: Tim tries to correct a sponsor shout-out mix-up… and repeatedly tangles the names even more, turning a simple correction into a full-blown bit.
- Sponsor dedication: A Christmas gift dedication to Whoreslammer40K, plus extra listener requests and shout-outs.
- Scrubbed internet audio: A listener-saved clip from a volatile online personality that vanished almost immediately after posting.
- Adult-baby meltdown update: More chaos from a familiar recurring character melting down at home and blaming everyone else.
- Gym “service dog” confrontation: A man attempts to bring a clearly questionable “service dog” into Planet Fitness, escalating into a lawsuit threat while staff stays unbothered.
- Retail freakout: A would-be thief gets stuck inside a store after being caught and spirals into frantic accusations and yelling.
- News segment (Enthused About the News):
- Peru: A musician is shocked onstage after grabbing a microphone and later posts updates confirming he survived and is recovering.
- Mississippi/Texas: A woman is arrested after multiple reports of foreign objects found in packaged bakery items at Walmart locations; authorities investigate with no reported injuries.
Also mentioned
- Holiday membership deals for the Sideshow (limited-time) and Patreon support options, including perks and episode sponsorships.
- Listener updates, merch shout-outs, and a brief scheduling note: new shows Monday & Tuesday, Best Of on Wednesday (Christmas Eve), and no show on Christmas Day or the day after.
Keywords (for search)
Distorted View Daily, Tim Henson, comedy podcast, Sideshow exclusive, December 19 2025, Planet Fitness service dog argument, musician electrocuted microphone Peru, Walmart bakery razor blade incident, retail meltdown video, podcast deals promo code BUZZ, Distorted View pint glass, Tainted Broth.
Don’t forget: Today’s store deal is $5 off pint glasses with BUZZ at shop.distortedview.com.
| 00:00:00 | PROMO CODE: BUZZ – $5.00 Off DV Pint Glasses |
| 00:53:22 | Introduction |
| 05:46:13 | Sorry David! I Mean Dan…Or Was It David? |
| 08:50:14 | DV Listener Sponsor: Merry Christmas WhoreSlammer40K |
| 10:25:21 | Merry Christmas, I’m Going To Kill Your Children |
| 15:32:06 | Baby Andy Fights With His Parents / Hits Himself |
| 20:31:00 | Lady With Dong Has Multiple Orgasms – I Call Bullshit! |
| 23:03:22 | Taking Your Incontinent Fake Service Dog To The Gym |
| 29:30:18 | Shoplifter Gets Locked In Store |
| 31:44:02 | Support Distorted View Daily |
| 32:57:07 | Enthused About The News – Featuring Tainted Broth |
| 34:03:08 | Rock Band Lead Singer Gets Electrocuted By Mic |
| 37:57:21 | Razor Blade Banana Nut Bread |
| 44:50:18 | Test Messages / Voicemails |
| 53:20:21 | Gentlemen Robot Rapists From The Planet Non-Consenua / Ending |
AI Transcript (There Will Be Errors)
Timmyboo
It’s the 10th day of deals as we inch ever closer to Christmas, and I’ve got a great one for you today, especially if you’re an alcoholic, and I know many of you are. Grab a Distorted View pint glass. Perfect for your favorite lager, ale, pilsner, Bockford, Greiser, Fropling, Twinebox, Stiltzkins, and yeah, even a strong Belgian Roushbling. These pint glasses will hold them all. Today only, get $5 off either one of the two pint glasses available in the Distorted View store. You’ve got the classic DV pint glass and the new tainted broth frosted pint glass. Use promo code BUZZ, B-U-Z-Z, today only to get $5 off a pint glass in the Distorted View store at shop.distortedview.com.
AUDIO
It’s Christmas!
Timmyboo
Hey, freaks, it’s Friday, December 19th, 2025. Coming up on the program today, a U-Tard wishes us a not-so-merry Christmas.
AUDIO
I kill your children for Christmas.
Timmyboo
Plus multiple trans penis orgasms. A musician gets electrocuted on stage. And sinking your teeth into a razor blade bread loaf.
AUDIO
On the first day of TV, which means you’ll be for me. A dirty crack or dying of HIV. You mean global virus. On the second day of DV, Jim Henson played for me. Two sloppy comforts and a dirty crack or a new HIV. On the third day of DV, Jim Henson played for me. Three explosive shit, two sloppy comforts and a dirty crack or a new HIV. I found out I was HIV positive because I took a damn AIDS test. Spoiler of the moment bullshit. On the fourth day of D, Vigil Hanson played for me. Four. Dick and nuts. Three explosive shits. Two sloppy convulsions and a dirty cracker during a Vigil Hanson played for me. It’s how it goes. On the fifth day of D, Vigil Hanson played for me. Five. Gordon showering. Four, Dick and nuts! Three, two, in a Dirty crack or dying of HIV On the sixth day of DV To mince and play for me Six for calculus you don’t Five Two for you Four Three explosive shits Two sloppy cupboards And a dirty crack or Dying of HIV On the seventh day of DV To mince and play for me Take a nap! Take a nap! It’s ages, I’m talking about ages. More creamy shit. Oh no. Five golden cherries. Four sweet rectum. Three explosions. Six lovely comforts. It’s just a fun thing. The night day of TV. Two hints and new year. Fuck yeah. Nine baiters baiting. Eight buses screaming. Seven gators can. Six recalculous utars. Five golden cherries. What a fuck. Four dick and nuts. Three explosive shots. Three sloppy cupboards. Even dirty crack or dang a VJ. I had some room like that. And a team. D&D. VJ. VJ. Give me. Ten drinks of people. Nine baiters. Baiting. Yeah. Pussy screaming. Seven gainers. Gaining. Six recalculous Utah’s. Five. Four. Take a nap. Three explosive shots. The glamour, the glitter. Here’s the fish pillow. Four. Take a night. Three explosive shit. Two. How many people am I affecting? On the 12th day of TV, 12, 11, sniff, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, It’s Distorted View Daily. Today’s show is dedicated to Whore Slammer 40K. I’m dreaming of some white pussy. She likes to start things off by giving me some head. Her teeth always make my dick raw.
Timmyboo
Yes, Tim Henson back here with you as we end the week with the Friday show. Got a great one for you. Before we get into the meat and potatoes of this bitch, I have to issue a correction and apology. I fucked up, guys. I really fucked up. Oh, God. This is so hard for me to say. But it’s the right thing to do. Gotta do it. Just hope everyone can forgive me. Earlier this week, we had a sponsor by the name of Urethral Fistula. He wanted to dedicate a show to his brother who used to be a listener of Distorted View. His name is David, which Rotterpay did say. He used the name David when reading the email. For the rest of the show, though, I apparently kept calling David Dan. in my defense and I’m sorry I’m going to dox you urethral fistula but I think it’s okay because I’m apologizing I apologize for this too it’s just one big blanket apology I’m sorry for existing urethral fistula’s name is David did I fuck this up again? hold on a second I’m not going to use the name urethral fistula anymore there’s just three names now and I’m getting confused I still can’t get this straight Some guy named David Called in, he sponsored the show for his brother Dan, I kept saying That it was for David When in reality it’s supposed to be Dan I kept saying David instead of Dan Here’s my problem, and you know I’m owning up to the fact that I fucked up But your parents are assholes I hate when they do this with the baby names Oh, they think they’re being so cute And precious, we’re gonna have a bunch of children And all their names Are gonna begin with the same first letter I bet you two assholes even look alike I just stopped Real quick to review what I had Already recorded and yeah I screwed up the names again at the beginning of this I just don’t care about You David or Dan Fuck you both Your names are interchangeable to me By the way thank you for sponsoring an episode of the show He even was so kind And like Gave me more money than the $25 And this is what I do to him And his poor brother So let me once again say, David, thank you for sponsoring a show for your brother, Dan. Dan, I know you haven’t listened to the show for a while, and I can’t imagine this whole ordeal is going to encourage you to once again become a fan of the podcast. But just know that I am deeply sorry for your parents naming you such awful names and for fucking it up here on the show. All right, so there you go. That’s the big apology. Once again, my apologies tend to cause more damage than anything. Now, let’s see how I can fuck up today’s sponsor. Rotter Pay, you’re the only professional one here at this organization. I know you won’t screw this up. Tell me who today’s sponsor is, please.
AUDIO
Today’s sponsor is Squirtteenth Birthday, who writes, I would like to dedicate my sponsorship to my partner, Whoreslammer40K as a Christmas present. I introduced him to DB early on in our relationship, and I’m glad he enjoys it as much as I do. I ask that you play the bit where you read Gentleman Robot Rapist from the Planet Non-Consensua for him, because I remember it being one of my favorite stories you ever came up with.
Timmyboo
All right, well, thank you very much, Squirt Teen, and a very Merry Christmas to Whoreslammer40K. I will most definitely play the audio of me reading from my never finished book, Gentleman Robot Rapist from the Planet Non-Consensua, later on in the program. There’s also some additional requests that Squirt Teen’s birthday made, and I’m happy to oblige as well. Stick around for that. Love Squirt Teen’s birthday. As a matter of fact, I just got a Christmas card from Squirt Teen’s birthday in our post office box. Thank you very much for that as well. I actually don’t get a lot of Christmas cards. My family doesn’t send that out or I’m just not on their list, which honestly tracks. So I put up Squirt Teen’s birthday’s Christmas card on my refrigerator. You know, I like to give the illusion I am very popular and I have friends and a fulfilling life. Just a facade. All right, listen, I have a bunch of great audio to share with you today. We feature so many strange, weird and wonderful people. I can’t keep them all straight in my head. Gina Fournier is one of those people. I recently saw that she posted a new video. I’ve subscribed to her because I’ve featured her many times on the show. For the life of me, I couldn’t remember who she was. So I just kind of like skipped past that in my YouTube subscriptions looking for other content. And by the time I got around to checking out the video she had posted, she already deleted it. That is TYB, typical U-Tard behavior. Mead Skelton pulls this shit all the time. Yeah, they’ll post something and then immediately delete it when they come to their senses or out of their schizophrenic haze or whatever. Thankfully for me, I’ve got some amazing listeners who have my back. In this case, last digit of none in the Discord wrote, Gina uploaded again, removed from YouTube in 60 seconds. They managed to grab that video, though, before it disappeared. It’s funny, if you actually go to Gina’s YouTube page, she only has like five or six videos that remain online, including this one.
AUDIO
I’m working on my phone job right now.
Timmyboo
She’s screaming at police who are at her door. I’m busy. Wait until my break. I can’t really understand what the cop is saying, but it’s something like, are you okay? We’re worried about you. There have been calls.
AUDIO
You are putting me in danger of my job. You are putting me in danger on my job. Why are you here right now? I am supposed to be on my phone job. What is your name and your badge number? Okay, it’s Stephanie Kalanowski, 5434. Thank you. I’m just here to make sure that you’re okay. I am not okay. I’m the victim of unprosecuted criminal psychiatry, the Oakland Community College sexist, gaslighted, bogus mental health care witch hunt.
Timmyboo
I’m starting to remember her now. It’s been a while since we featured her. This video was posted two years ago. I can’t imagine she’s gotten any better. Let’s see how her condition has worsened. Here is what Gina is up to now. This is audio from a video you will only hear on TV because it’s been scrubbed from the internet.
AUDIO
By God’s fucking Jesus, God. I’ll kill your children. By God’s fucking Jesus, God.
Timmyboo
Okay, so her mental collapse is progressing nicely. I love the music in the background as she’s croaking and swearing. It’s like a jazz performance. And yes, Gina just said, I’ll kill your children.
AUDIO
I’ll kill your children. My God’s fucking Jesus, cop. I’ll kill your children for Christmas. My God’s fucking Jesus, cop. I’ll kill your children for Christmas. My God’s fucking Jesus, cop. I’ll kill your children But for Christmas
Timmyboo
Alright she’s stuck in a bit of a loop here Let me just fast forward a bit
AUDIO
I’ll kill your children for Christmas
Timmyboo
And now a Christmas wish From Gina Fournier
AUDIO
I’ll kill you all for Christmas I’ll kill your children For Christmas It’s the heads It’s the new head trick My God Jesus kill your white children While bloody in hell on earth
Timmyboo
Sleep in bloody sleep
AUDIO
Kill your white children
Timmyboo
Let me fast forward a little more here
AUDIO
Kill your white children
Timmyboo
She really wants us to kill our white children I don’t think we’re going to get much more out of her Let me try to fast forward towards the end here
AUDIO
That’s not what should have been playing It wasn’t jazz I want to watch your children die It was supposed to be an 845 Christmas in Hollis by Run DMC. That was gonna…
Timmyboo
So she’s listening to the radio, right? Some like CBC Christmas station, I guess.
AUDIO
I want to see your children dead in goddamn Jesus.
Timmyboo
And I think the whole reason why she’s upset is because Run DMC was supposed to be playing, not the stupid jazz bullshit. Now, because of that, she’s going to kill all of our white kids. Christmas.
AUDIO
Dead in goddamn Jesus with me that it was Tate McRae means I care.
Timmyboo
I think my niece saw Tate McRae in concert recently.
AUDIO
Kill white children. Fuck her Catholic Jesus. From Trinity of Livonia. Turture to death. That white fuck child.
Timmyboo
She’s taking this playlist fuck up pretty hard. It’s like, they’ll get to run DMC eventually, Gina.
AUDIO
Goddamn me.
Timmyboo
in America. Someone get her a Spotify account. She can play Run DMC whenever she
AUDIO
wants. Raping fuck of Jesus. Okay, that’s
Timmyboo
what Gina’s up to. Merry Christmas. Turning our attention to another severely disturbed individual, Andrew Ditch, the autism faker, who is really just an adult baby and wants people to change his dirty diapers. He’s back screaming at his parents.
AUDIO
He doesn’t want to help me. Why am I in his house for? Why do I have anywhere else to go? See, Andrew has
Timmyboo
tried to craft this perfect scenario for himself. He’s always asking,
AUDIO
I need help! Why is
Timmyboo
no one helping me? And what he means is, why is no one wiping my ass? I want people to touch my shit. He doesn’t want to have any responsibility. Like, this is an adult man. We’ve played audio of him before he started to pretend he had autism where he was, like, repairing computers. He tried to have, like, a technology YouTube channel for a while. And then one day he decided that he had autism. And then he started sounding like this.
AUDIO
I need someone to wipe my ass for me. I don’t know why I don’t have anywhere else. I keep running away because that bitch won’t treat me well. Won’t help me. What did you just call me? Your father is not a bitch.
Timmyboo
Oh, that’s so great. Your father’s not a bitch. Stop referring to him as a bitch.
AUDIO
He doesn’t treat me well.
Timmyboo
Yeah, he acts like a bitch.
AUDIO
Dad, can you please stop?
Timmyboo
I’m sorry. You just called him a bitch. He’s allowed to respond.
AUDIO
I will stop because, Andy, I’m not going to tolerate me. Just help me instead of bitching at me, please.
Timmyboo
By help, he just wants everything done for him, right? being fed, being wiped, being bathed. You know, he wants to be treated as a baby. And this is the best way he’s figured out that he could accomplish that by, you know, faking autism.
AUDIO
You can’t. Your little name is bitch.
Timmyboo
Andrew then says he can’t trust his father because his father treats him so bad. And the father says he can’t trust Andrew either.
AUDIO
Why does he not trust me? Because of how you act. You’re getting in and start growing shit. Well, Mom, I can’t help it. You can’t help it.
Timmyboo
All Mom wants is for Andrew to stop throwing temper tantrums, or at least stop throwing plates. Breaking shit. Andrew blames his dad.
AUDIO
And he does it on purpose, the way he communicates with me. The way he degrades me like a narcissist.
Timmyboo
Oh, the mispronunciation of narcissist, like he’s a little child, you know, drives me crazy.
AUDIO
Well, if you get me worked up, Dad, I might accidentally throw your phone and you’re mad at me.
Timmyboo
Well, it wouldn’t be accidental then, would it, Andrew? You did it on purpose because you’re mad.
AUDIO
You’re the one who broke your phone.
Timmyboo
Oh, okay. I’m trying to see what’s going on here. Andrew had a meltdown, smashed his phone. Now he’s upset because he wants another one and Daddy won’t buy him a phone, right?
AUDIO
You’re the one who broke your phone. I didn’t mean it. He’s trying to teach you. But mom, I did not mean it. And it’s not fair when I’m in a meltdown to hold it against me.
Timmyboo
I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I would like to throw a phone at this asshole’s head.
AUDIO
And what happened in the time that I got so frustrated that I keep hurting my head in front of dad or running away or throwing my phone? Dad is not the problem?
Timmyboo
At one point, his mom is like, look, I got problems too. I got pills I need to take.
AUDIO
I gotta take my pills. You’d rather allow me to get hit by a car.
Timmyboo
All right, Andrew is escalating the situation.
AUDIO
But that’s why Andy’s willing to please you. Be much smarter if you’re just behaving. Can you please? Leave, Andy. Leave. Just like the other day, Andy. Fine, I will. Nobody can do it with you. I will. I broke my head. I’m tired of it! I’m tired of it!
Timmyboo
I think he’s breaking something else right now. So in addition to that cell phone he needs replaced, he also needs some new headphones.
AUDIO
I’m tired of being abused, bro!
Timmyboo
The only one who’s abusing Andy is Andy. He’s bashing his own head. Look, if I wipe your shitty asshole, will you stop crying? Okay, all right, there you go. That’s the baby Andy update for you. He needs a timeout. Bad boy. Let’s do a little bit of a palate cleanser here. I’ve got a video submitted by Terry Durd. This is a girl with a cock. being jerked off by another girl, I have a hard time believing this is actually a trans chick. She’s just not responding properly to penile touch. You’ll see what I mean here in a minute.
AUDIO
I’m coming. Come, come, come. Oh my fucking God.
Timmyboo
The video starts with her coming and you know, she’s shooting jizz out of her penis hole. She’s also being fucked in the ass with a toy. Just trying to paint a complete picture here for you. All right, let’s listen to her orgasm again. I’m coming
AUDIO
Oh my fucking god She’s squirting Oh my god Oh my god baby Fuck fuck fuck Oh my god
Timmyboo
And the girl is still Jerking her dick off After all the jizz has come out Now guys you know how sensitive Your penis is like when you After you cum you’re done Stop touching my penis But we’re not even halfway Through this video She keeps jerking. Fuck. I have to believe this is a fake dick, right? Because now she’s coming again. She’s squirting. Ejaculate. This is how women orgasm. You know, they’re the ones that have multiple orgasms. I think she’s going to have a third one here. Fuck.
AUDIO
Oh, yep. She’s squirting again. Fuck. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. He’s squirting. Nasty little girl
Timmyboo
And then the girl wraps her hand Around the penis again And she starts like slapping the dick The guy doesn’t want that Especially after he just jizzed
AUDIO
Oh my god You squirting
Timmyboo
Nasty little girl
AUDIO
You squirting mommy Oh my god
Timmyboo
More slapping
AUDIO
Fuck oh my god Oh my god Oh, she’s squirting again, I think.
Timmyboo
Can’t quite tell. It might be edited.
AUDIO
Oh, my God.
Timmyboo
That is very juicy. Also, she comes way more than me.
AUDIO
Oh, my God.
Timmyboo
Very jealous. She’s shooting ropes, and I’m sputtering and spurting over here. She’s more of a man than I’ll ever be. All right, let’s move on. I’ve got a great clip, well, an infuriating clip of a man who is trying to bring his dog into a planet fitness. He claims it’s a service animal. It’s obviously not a service animal. I know cane corsos can be very loving dogs, but they can also be very aggressive. They’re kind of like pit bulls in that regard, I think. It’s just weird to see a pit bull or cane corso as a service animal. A service animal that he breeds. He sells this dog’s puppies. And also, this dog is wearing a diaper, either because it’s incontinent or in heat. It’s like, this dog shouldn’t be out in public for a variety of reasons. Now, people in the comments who have done a little bit of sleuthing on this guy, they’re the ones that found out that he’s actually breeding these things. Some say he’s actually inbreeding these dogs. It drives me crazy. Like, I think the law, if I understand this correctly, The law is you as a business owner have to let someone in if they say they’ve got a service dog. And you’re also not allowed to check any sort of like paperwork or registration papers. It’s really bizarre. Like if someone goes into your business and they say, I’ve got a service dog, you just have to go with it because you’re not allowed to ask questions because it goes against the ADA or something. It’s also strange that this guy who needs a service animal is able to work out at Planet Fitness. Like, what the fuck is the dog doing while you’re on the treadmill? Just like hanging out. It’s just it’s bizarre. Anyway, here is an interaction between that man and the Planet Fitness staff who don’t want to let this guy in. I don’t know if they’re going against the law here or what.
AUDIO
All right. So we tried to call corporate and they can’t get a hold of anybody.
Timmyboo
So I guess I’m getting kicked out because of my service animal. Is that correct? At the most, according to some people, this this dog might be an emotional support dog, But it’s not a legit service dog. You know, the type of dog that would be allowed in any establishment. So whose rule? Your rule? Because I’ve had it at 50 other Planet Fitnesses. And you’re the only one that told me I can’t have my service animal with me. Well, how about you take your business to one of the other 50 Planet Fitnesses? The employee is so great because he literally just, he’s shaking his head or nodding. He doesn’t verbalize much, which just infuriates this guy even more. You keep shaking your head, but I don’t know if you understand that
AUDIO
You need to call somebody and ask them because the law, like the Americans with Disabilities Act, says that you cannot not allow me to bring my dog with me. It’s against the law for you to do that. Do you understand? Is there somebody you can call or you can just… Because you obviously don’t know what you’re doing right now. You’re going to set yourself up for a lawsuit. The employee doesn’t care.
Timmyboo
Everybody is required to follow the law or your company will be sued. Planet Fitness is above the law or Planet Fitness is lawless, depending on which Planet Fitness you go to.
AUDIO
They have to allow people with service animals to enter the building and to access their facility. If they do not, then I can sue them because they are breaking the law. Does that make sense? I know, and you need to call somebody else or you need to stop telling me I can’t have my service animal. You have a nice day. I’ll take the lawsuit. You have a nice day.
Timmyboo
He’s like, he’s calling his bluff. Go ahead, file a lawsuit, asshole. He won’t, of course, because he doesn’t have a service animal. So you’re kicking me out of the Planet Fitness because I have my service animal?
AUDIO
Yeah.
Timmyboo
What’s the location of this?
AUDIO
It’s 5711 Yerry Drive.
Timmyboo
Okay. I do like how the employee handled himself. He remained calm. Oh, he was driving this guy up the wall because in addition to not raising his voice and, you know, answering the guy’s questions in like a monotone voice, he also had a like a cup of water that he was just casually sipping. Like this is not bothering him at all. Sir, you’re the one getting worked up. Calm down. And you’re not acting on your own behalf.
AUDIO
Right. It has nothing to do with that. Yes, it does. Because I want to sue the company. Get out. I want to sue the company. Sue him. Not just you. It’s 5711. No, no, but this is not your policy. This is your company policy.
Timmyboo
The guy just wants to fight. You know, the employee is like, okay, file a lawsuit. But right now you have to leave. Is that what you’re telling me?
AUDIO
I don’t have a company. I’m a staffer. But you work for a company. You’re not an individual just sitting up here.
Timmyboo
Dude, it’s not going to happen. You’re not going to work out or take a shower or whatever you’re planning to do there. End result? The video cuts to him outside walking away with his diaper dog. Well, that is a first.
AUDIO
I have not been kicked out of a Planet Fitness anywhere in America, and I’ve been to a whole lot of them. And this is in Shreveport, Louisiana, Urie Drive.
Timmyboo
There are some other weird posts on this guy’s account. He has a picture of this scary-looking dog, and it’s labeled Service Dog. Service Dog at your service. I used to be paranoid. I used to always need to be armed. My service dog pulls security detail so I can relax. It’s like, you have an attack dog. That’s your service animal? This dude does seem like a severely broken man. There’s a video of him with sad music playing. He’s eating tuna fish straight out of the can, along with cranberry sauce right out of the can. To all the broke, single dads spending Thanksgiving alone. Happy Thanksgiving. That service dog of his just produced a litter on November 25th. In one video or a caption, he said, Ooh, I wonder which of these puppies is going to be my next service dog. I don’t think that’s how service dogs work. They have to go through training, and very few of them are able to graduate to become service dogs. A lot of people point out the vest that the dog wears, the service dog do not pet vest, is one that is easily purchased off of Amazon. Like, it’s not a service dog. That is why this guy will never sue Planet Fitness because he doesn’t have a service dog. Good luck with that, though, sir. Real quick, I’ve got one more really short video. This is just a woman freaking out because she was in a family dollar. She tried to steal some stuff. They caught her and locked the doors so she couldn’t escape. Here’s how she handled that as she continues to try to pry open the doors.
AUDIO
Why are these people making fun of me? Mama!
Timmyboo
Yeah, people are making fun of you because you done did fucked up. You got caught.
AUDIO
Why are these people making fun of me? We actually leave. Mama! Mama!
Timmyboo
I don’t even know if she’s on the phone. It sounds like she’s talking to her mama on the phone.
AUDIO
Mama! I’m gonna call the movie. I’m gonna call the movie. Mama!
Timmyboo
Customers are laughing at her.
AUDIO
I’m gonna tell the toy guy.
Timmyboo
Now that she’s turned around and is walking towards the camera, I can confirm she is not on the phone. So when she’s screaming for mama, who knows who she’s calling for?
AUDIO
Anti-Semitic, why are you treating me this way? I don’t steal. Somebody’s trying to come in. You’re anti-Semitic. Why are you being racist towards me with my mom, Marilyn Mischewski, Mace Groswald? Oh, I’m just Family Dollar. My life isn’t here. Just be. What’s in treating me like, dead God?
Timmyboo
Nepo baby, right?
AUDIO
Let me out.
Timmyboo
That’s pretty much where the video ends with her screaming, let me out. They did not let her out. I looked it up because I was curious. It would be funny if this woman was telling the truth and her mom really did own Family Dollar. Although I suspect the owners of Family Dollar don’t shop at Family Dollar. They can probably afford to go to Target. Family Dollar is owned by Brigade Capital Management. So our friend here was mistaken. Maybe she thought she was at Dollar General. Pretty sure that chain is owned by one single 65-year-old woman named Dorothy General. All right. And with that, let’s get into the Crazy Bizarre Twist. To the Fucked Up News right now. Holiday sideshow deals are still active. If you’re not yet a member, act now because those will be going away real soon. Save 22 to 33% on monthly, yearly, or even lifetime memberships. Go to distortedview.com right now. This is how I make my living. So, you know, this helps ensure DV continues for a long, long time. Just like becoming a patron member. That also helps out. Go to patreon.com slash distortedview. You can pledge as little as a dollar over there. If you pledge at least $5, you get access to a special voicemail line where I will play your calls first. You can sponsor an episode of DV for only $25. Just PayPal me. My address is show at distortedview.com. Or you can go to the address paypal.me slash distortedview. Again, $25. Just let me know how you want to sponsor the show. You want me to talk about something. If you have a message for someone, you want me to play audio, whatever. Finally, the DV store is open. Chock full of merchandise. Get your last minute Christmas shopping and use promo code BUZZ, B-U-Z-Z, and save on pint glasses today. All right, let’s do this. I’m excited. One might even say I’m enthused to start the news. I’m so enthused about… No, no, no, wait. Hold it, hold it, hold it. This version doesn’t capture how enthused I truly am to do the news. I need something that’ll really show you how pumped up I am. A loud, raucous version of enthused about the news. Only one band could rock my face off hard enough to convey how enthused I am.
AUDIO
Ladies and gentlemen, tainted broth! I’m so enthused about the news. I’m so enthused about the news More time is what I could use To write more stories I’m so enthused about the news I’m so enthused about the news
Timmyboo
That is how I feel about the news segment today. First story I have for you. Interestingly, this has to do with a rock and roll band. The story comes out of Peru. Peru! Chaco! A musician was hospitalized after receiving an electric shock from a microphone moments before addressing a crowd at a bar in Peru’s capital. This is according to video footage and statements posted online by the performer. Oh, there’s video? I would like to see and hear that video. Carlos Suarez, lead singer and guitarist for the band Me Major Amigo Scott or Me Mejor Amigo Scott. I don’t know. He was preparing to introduce himself on stage. Oh, how sad. You couldn’t get someone else to announce your name. Coming to the stage right now, me. I’m going to perform now. That’s not cool. That’s not very rock star like. Anyway, he was preparing to introduce himself on stage when he suddenly began shouting and staggered backwards, his hands still gripping the microphone. Witnesses near the stage could be heard yelling warnings as Suarez appeared unable to release his grip for several seconds. You know I actually have the video right here. Let’s play it. Watch this poor bastard get electrocuted. Let me hear that again. It’s kind of musical. That could actually be a part of a song. Oh, oh, oh. Where have I heard that before? Oh, oh, oh. Yeah, that’s where I recognize it from. You know, if this guy pulls through, if he doesn’t die from the electrocution, it’d be an awesome brand partnership.
AUDIO
It’s freaky how well that lines up.
Timmyboo
Anywho, back to the story. Witnesses near the stage could be heard yelling warnings as Suarez appeared, unable to release his grip for several seconds. Video shared online shows the singer’s body stiffening as he collapsed onto the stage floor, knocking into equipment while fellow musicians rushed towards him. A sound technician, who’s probably going to get fired over this one, a sound technician and another performer disconnected the microphone from its power source, ending the shock. Suarez was taken to a hospital and treated for burns to his neck. Fans initially feared he had been killed, but the musician later confirmed he had survived the incident and was recovering. In a video posted to social media hours later, Suarez, who also goes by the nickname Mono instead of Bono, I guess. Is this a YouTube tribute band? He said the shock left him immobilized for several seconds and caused first degree burns when the microphone fell against his neck. What happened could have been fatal. He said, fortunately, I only suffered some burns and no other complications. Suarez initially suggested the incident may have been caused by faulty grounding or improper electrical equipment. but later said that some of the early information he received was inaccurate. He apologized for confusion while maintaining that negligence played a role. I went through a traumatic situation and nearly lost my life, he said. I want to make sure this never happens again to any other musician. The singer said event organizers had assured him safety measures would be reviewed. He added that he plans to step away from live performances temporarily. Electrical accidents involving musicians are rare, but not unprecedented. Industry experts have long warned that improper grounding, damaged cables, or mixing equipment powered from different electrical sources can create dangerous conditions on stage. So be careful out there if you’re a performer. Always have someone handle your microphone first, just to test if it’s deadly. Give that job to a poor PA or something. All right, second story we have for you today. Oh, looky here, we’re going to Texas. Ladies and gentlemen, once again,
AUDIO
Tainted Broth! We’re going to Texas We’re going to Texas We’re going to Texas Here we go We’re going to Texas Here we go Yeah!
Timmyboo
Thank you very much, Tainted Broth. Actually, the woman in this story is from Texas, but the actual event took place in Mississippi. Close enough, right? A 33-year-old woman from Texas was arrested Tuesday in connection with a series of incidents in which razor blades and a fish hook were found inside bakery products at two Walmart stores. Guys, before we go and start arresting her, is there a chance that she could be the daughter of the owner of Walmart? Because then that would be okay, right? Camille Benson was taken into custody after investigators released surveillance images showing her leaving a Walmart store. A tip from the public led officers to locate Benson on Division Street, where she was arrested and charged with attempted mayhem. Ooh, that’s cool. If I ever get nabbed by the cops, that’s the charge I want them to use on me. Tim Henson was arrested for mayhem. Doesn’t that sound neat? Like, that sounds like something the Joker would be charged with in Gotham City. I like that. All right, so she was charged with attempted mayhem, a felony, according to law enforcement officials. She’s being held at the Harrison County Adult Detention Center on a $100,000 bond. The investigation began earlier this month after several customers reported finding razor blades concealed in loaves of bread. And in one case, a banana nut muffin purchased at a Walmart super center. Initial complaints were made on December 5th and 8th, but police were not notified until additional reports surfaced on December 14th, prompting broader scrutiny of store inventory. This is going to be one of those really unsatisfying news stories because the question we all want answered, Why? Why did she do this? It’s not going to be found anywhere. I guarantee you the journalist who reported this story didn’t ask. Police aren’t going to say why. I hope there’s an update to this thing. All right, let’s read on. All right. Store employees subsequently located multiple affected products by inspecting bakery items after the later complaint. The razor blades and fish hook appeared to have been pushed through the thin plastic packaging, but no injuries have been reported. In a statement, Walmart said the safety of customers is a top priority and that potentially compromised products had been removed and inspected. The company said it was cooperating fully with authorities. Customers who believe they may have purchased affected items were advised to dispose of them and seek refunds. Police, here we go, have not identified a motive and do not believe other Walmart locations were affected. They urge shoppers who bought bread from the impacted stores to check their purchases carefully and report any foreign objects. So there you go. That’s what’s happening in your world today, freaks. Before we get into any voicemails, I did want to thank Squirtteeth’s birthday once again for sponsoring the show. This one’s for you, WhoreSlammer40K. In addition to me reading Gentleman Robot Rapist from the Planet Non-Consensua, which I will play at the end of the show today, 14th birthday also wanted to know if Lord Douche and I had any recommendations for restaurants in the Columbus area that are still around that you both love. Yeah, I’ll give you a few places that I miss. And these are not like expensive places. I loved Blue Ginger on Sawmill Road. I’d go there and I’d get the Singapore noodles all the time. The sushi there is great too. But on a day-to-day basis, when I just wanted to grab something to eat, I’d get the Singapore noodles. I really miss Panini Opa, which is also nearby. I think it’s like on Sawmill and Bethel or something like that. They had like an, I think it was a G in chicken. Some sort of chicken was really good. It was a chicken dish with rice and everything. I’m sure you’ve heard of Panini Opa, right? I think they’re opening another location in Dublin. And also in that area, I think it’s called Shishi, S-H-I-C-H-I, Japanese Steakhouse, delicious tapenaki moretti’s also on sawmill go for their chicken moretti you won’t be disappointed that’s an italian place you probably know all these places because i think you i mean you live in in columbus i think you you live not too far from that area because i i remember sending you stuff i think you’re a like a 20 plus patron level and i’m pretty sure i’ve um sent stuff so i know you’re in that quadrant of Columbus, I think. So maybe you’ve heard of those places. Let me know if you tried them and if you like them. I will tell you a quick funny story about Shishi. My family came up. My family are a bunch of fucking redneck bumpkins. My sister came up and my mom was actually a part of the crew. It was an amazing feat to get her to come for the weekend. She actually stayed with us in Columbus. Anyway, we all went to, I took them to this Japanese place. And my God, my sister, when she walked in to the front door, it’s like they’ve never been to an ethnic food place before because she was like, oh, awesome. Like that type of thing. And I’m like, oh God, be quiet. Don’t don’t do that voice. There are actual Asian people here. It’s one thing if I do it on the show behind a microphone, but like not out in public. Cannot take them anywhere. Oh, also, if you don’t mind, this is another request from Squirt Teen’s birthday. Please give a fuck you to Andrew at work. He pulled a Brad Carter and was monkeying around. I love when Brad Carter says that. I was monkeying around clicking buttons and caused me some unnecessary stress. So fuck you, Andrew. No, no, no, no. Fuck you. Fuck you, asshole. Andrew. I don’t know many Andrews who aren’t fucking assholes. If your name is Andrew, fuck you. Fuck all Andrews. All right. And with that, thank you very much again. Squirt teeth birthday and horse slammer 40 K. Let’s check in with some other freaks. Now,
AUDIO
if you got a rock hard bone, a reach for that bone, a sex for Harry. If you got a wet puppy, twat and finger it a lot, sex for Harry. cunt. Tim will rub one out to you on today’s distorted view. For Harry cunt. For Harry cunt.
Timmyboo
I always forget that last for Harry cunt. For Harry
AUDIO
cunt. Thank you.
Timmyboo
Chloe Kid messaged me. He or she said, I want to sponsor an episode to get Lord Douche on the show. What are the chances of him being willing? Well, I’ll tell you right now, it’s going to cost you more than to get Lord Douche on the program. He may with some caveats. He’s going to want a voice changer on, which is
AUDIO
very doable. Maybe I can have him use this voice. Destiny.
Timmyboo
Again, I’ll run it past him and see what he has to say. Area code 604 purchased a DV logo patch and showed off that. It looked very cool. And then added my piercer thinks the wife pillow. Oh, the Tim Henson waifu pillow would be a good ear pillow because, you know, it’s got my mouth hole open that you’re supposed to fuck. But yeah, if you’re laying on the side, that would be a great opening for your ear. A lot of people go for those pillows that have like an opening or a divot so their ears not being pressed up against the pillow and it gets hot and stuff. So yeah, you guys want to try buying the Tim Henson waifu pillow for that? Sure. Area code 508 writes And damn it, I knew I should have kept my mouth shut. With the cost of living, especially here in New England. Oh, is this unicorn hamster? He says, I’m unable to spend the $50. Some asshole blocked my sponsorship. Probably the same one who suggested I kill myself in the fucking Discord. There’s a good chance that it’s the same person. All right, then. So if there’s anybody in the DV listener universe that will top my sponsorship to Timmy Boo, I will not call the DV Patreon voicemail line until my 47th birthday on April 28th. So, freaks, if you want to block Unicorn Hamster from calling into the show until the end of April, you know what you need to do. I’m going to take multiple sponsorships on this. That means on Monday, we’ll see how many people have sponsored to cock block Unicorn Hamster. Get your sponsorships in now. You can pledge more than $25, too. I’ll give you a special shout out. Again, just a show at distortedview.com Finally, from the 321 area code Frank AI McDonald sounded like Kermit the Frog Which might be a good idea for a Sextastic Tuesday Oh no, a Frankie McDonald Sextastic Tuesday That might need to happen actually Oh, 918 area code also chimed in The Frankie McDonald AI shit was incredible Timmy Boo, more of that please Okay, well maybe, maybe Frank AI McDonald Will make another appearance on the show Let’s do a couple actual voicemails now. We will begin with a couple patrons. Hey, Jim, it’s David and man.
AUDIO
How are you doing? I hope really well. I had a good Friendsgiving or Freaksgiving or whatever with everyone. But I heard something on your show today that I think might be the next move for me in life. It’s where I’m going because I’m kind of just in limbo, just kind of feeling stuff out, you know. I don’t really know what I’m doing. But I am going to professionally go and be Meade Skelton’s wingman.
Timmyboo
He needs a wingman. That sounds like a great idea. Meade certainly does need the help. The pay is not that great, I fear.
AUDIO
I am great at that sort of stuff. I mean, I could teach him all sorts of things about how…
Timmyboo
This is what Meade needs. He needs a good influence in his life. I mean, I don’t know if a Distorted View listener is technically a good influence, but I think so. Davide’s a good guy.
AUDIO
He could pick up women, I suppose. Maybe he’ll finally come out. That would be neat.
Timmyboo
You know, we could see that. Maybe he could try some stuff on you. Come on, be a bro.
AUDIO
We could just really get him out there and really sell him.
Timmyboo
Yes. Sell him up and all that. Yeah. And he’d finally have a friend. You could help him, like, with his look, right? Make sure he looks all right. Help him with, like, stuff to talk about to these ladies. And or at least someone who’s, like, a work friend.
AUDIO
It would be work for me, but I would do it. Oh, man, hopefully your day’s going well. Cheers, man. You have a good day.
Timmyboo
Thank you so much for calling in, Davide. Yeah. I mean, you’re going to have to move to Virginia, which kind of sucks, but… Timmy Boo’s got…
AUDIO
Timmy Boo, Rex have come here. Just calling in to claim my brand new username. I mean, seriously, this whole thing with, oh, I’m not to come. No, no, no, I’m not to come. Who gives a fuck? It’s not even that good of a username. It’s not like it’s bloody Squirt Teeth Birthday or Mouthy Broad or one of those other good names. I mean, I guess it’s better than…
Timmyboo
Squirt Teen’s birthday is one of my favorites. Glad she sponsored the show. What a fucking name. I’ve got a better username, Mum.
AUDIO
What’s my real name and where do I live? Okay, got it. Mum, I’ve got my username. Shut up, Greg, you little cub. Mum, what? Shut up, you ruined my life, you little bitch. Fuck you. I wish you’d ever been born. Mum, I know you don’t mean that. That’s what I fucking do.
Timmyboo
Fuck you. I personally like Scumhawk. By the way, the name that I like is Ropes of Nut, not Ropes of Cum. You could be Ropes of Cum and the other listener could be Ropes of Nut. We could all be blasting one another with our ropes. All right, let’s do one more call here.
AUDIO
Hey, Timmy Boo. I’m listening to the Four Alarm Booty call on YouTube. Hey, good show. I’m enjoying it, but I can’t listen to it on distortedview.com. Why? site, you know, through Google or anything like that, because I guess it’s exclusive day, you know. I don’t know.
Timmyboo
Did I accidentally post an exclusive show on YouTube? Pre-site guy, or
AUDIO
did I somehow get into the side show for free?
Timmyboo
I may have fucked up, and I may have actually posted… Because there’s so many different systems I gotta fucking post to, and I gotta flag things as exclusive shows so they don’t get posted on the regular feed, and I got to do that in three or four different fucking places and sometimes I screw up. So yes, maybe once in a while a Sideshow exclusive episode slips through on some service. You get lucky.
AUDIO
You know, what the fuck’s going on? Oh, what the fuck was I going to talk about anyways to begin with? Hold on, let me fresh my memory. Okay, that did not help and that is not going to improve this message in any way. so, you know, I’m just gonna fucking hang up now. You know what? And fuck you, and fuck everybody, and fuck everything. Fuck the world!
Timmyboo
Not really. Alright. Okay, cool. Thank you very much. Glad we did that last voicemail. That is all the time we have on this edition of the show. Why don’t you guys do my own show at distortedview.com. distortedview.com is our official website. Voicemail line for you at 206-666-4463. That’s 206-666-O-GOT-IS-IT-O-GOT-IS-IT-O-GOT-IS-IT-O-G Christmas! Spread the distortion STD. Tell all your friends about the show. Don’t forget to give us a five-star rating, a thumbs up, or like wherever you can rate and review podcasts. Oh, some freaks were wondering about next week because it is Christmas. I will be back on Monday and Tuesday. We’ll have a best of show on Wednesday, which is Christmas Eve. There will not be a show on Christmas Day or the day after. I’ll probably, you know, throw up a few best of shows, get you through the holidays with Timmy Boo, right? So I will be back on Monday, though, to start a very short week of programs. Until then, have a great day, great weekend. Bye, everybody! Let’s go. Planet Non-Consensua, a distortedview.com audiobook. Gentlemen Robot Rapists from the Planet Non-Consensua by Tim Henson. Read by the author. Chapter One, A Most Surprising Rape. Tits Anderson was startled awake by a tinny voice and a metal cock probing her sticky cunt flaps.
AUDIO
Protocol 378 initiated. Excuse me, Earth Life Farm, but I must rape you now.
Timmyboo
The large mechanized fuck machine stated. Tits screamed in horror. There were so many questions running through her inferior womanly mind. She couldn’t articulate any of these questions, though, because as members of the female species tend to do, she let her emotions control and ultimately overwhelm her. Tits promptly passed out, letting the fuckbot complete its mission. The morning light poured through Tits’ windows, and as she groggily began to come to, she felt an uncomfortableness between her thighs. As she reached down to her dangly meat lips, she winced in pain. Pulling her hand out of her musty baby cave, she examined her digits. Blood! And oil! And what appeared to be metal shavings! Oh, that’s what was digging into my pussy innards, thought a relieved Tits. Seconds later, the dumb bitch realized tiny metal shards were not a normal thing to find in one snatch hatch. She screamed, finally remembering the world-class robot raping she received the night before. But it wasn’t just Tits Anderson who got an unwanted fallopian filling of fuck juice. For weeks, reported rape cases involving robots, androids, mech units, and cyborgs were through the roof. Detective Rod Galloway was on the phone every day with frantic fuck-silly bitches who swore they were sodomized by otherworldly beings. Part of him hated his job. The other part of him just loved looking at photos of bruised, bloody cunts. Giant robot, you say? Uh-huh. Woke you up and politely informed you that you were going to get a dick full of steel in your hoo-ha? No, ma’am. Yes, ma’am. Of course I think you’re batshit crazy, but that’s because you’re a woman. Why don’t you come down to my office and we’ll get your statement Rod just wanted this bitch off the phone so he could return to his insect porn website Ever since he was a small child, Rod loved the feeling of creepy crawlies between his fingers When he discovered how good jacking his cunt poker made him feel at the age of 12 It was only a matter of time before he incorporated ants, caterpillars, snails, and grasshoppers into his pud-pulling routine Thanks to the internet, he found other insectophiles willing to share pictures, videos, and stories of their shared fetish Rod was known online for his practice of paste-baiting Grabbing a handful of assorted insects, Rod would crush them into a gushing paste of insect guts And then slather it on his cock After coating his flesh dong with the grimy concoction, he would furiously jack off The slick yet gritty mixture of insect ooze and hard bits caused an instant boner and a quick climax for Rod. When he was done, he would scoop the cum wads he blew along with the blended insect butter and deposit it in an old plastic milk jug for later use. Rod was reading a message board post from a fellow insectophile with the headline, I got a grub stuck in my urethra, when there was a soft knock on his office door.
AUDIO
Excuse me, Mr. Galloway? I spoke to you on the phone about the pounding my… You know, got.
Timmyboo
No, lady, I don’t know. Spell it out if you want me to help you out, Rod said. He knew she was referring to her sore cock socket, but he wanted her to say it out loud.
AUDIO
The pounding my… My… Say it already! The pounding of my sausage wallet! That robot raped my cock locket! He violated my tampon tunnel, desecrated my Haitian hairball, ate out my blooming onion, and trampled all over my yellow brick road.
Timmyboo
Lady, calm down, Rod interrupted. You’re talking bananas here. You’re telling me a robot entered your house in the middle of the night, and that robot was programmed to savagely cunt punch your fish flaps? Yes, Titz said, adding, but he was nice about it. He was very polite. You’re crazy, Rod said. What the hell are all you daffy broads drinking these days? Tits Anderson felt deflated. She knew no one would believe her. But just then, she realized what Rod had said.
AUDIO
You said daffy broads, so others have reported on these cockstrong robodongs.
Timmyboo
Yeah, you’re not the only one. Looks like I got some work to do.
AUDIO
You mean you’re gonna look into these gentle rapings?
Timmyboo
I’m politely trying to get you the fuck out of my office. Looks like I got some work to do, so you should leave now, unless you want to see my dick covered in mucus green coatings of insect innards. But yeah, I’ll look into your so-called robot bonings. Thank you, Mr. Galloway! And with that, Tits Anderson fluttered away. That night, in the town of Queefton, a mere few miles from where Tits Anderson’s gash was pummeled by extraterrestrial tin men, All was quiet. That suited Smeg Ryan just fine. It meant there were no cops around, and Smeg could do her work uninterrupted. A car pulled up, and the driver leaned over the passenger side to roll down the window. You look like a cheap, cock-hungry whore! What do you charge for that worn-out stinkhole of yours? Smeg was used to this kind of talk. Besides, it was true. Her labia majora looked like a deflated weather balloon And her ass lips lost its tread years ago The grip was gone And a dick being pushed in would meet no resistance Sadly, that also meant turds slipped out regularly with no warning Her panties were permanently discolored And Smeg no longer even tried to hide the overwhelming stench of feces Fuck my front cunt for $20 or my muddy pussy for $50 Smeg replied with an almost toothless grin Like busted up piano keys Her smile was the result of an unhappy customer Who came in Smeg’s ass Only to pull out a dick full of chunky style peanut butter $30 and I’ll fuck your cunt and finish in your ass Take it or leave it ugly slut You drive a hard bargain Smeg said But both she and the John Knew she’d take that deal Get the fuck in I laid down some newspaper Stay the fuck on it and don’t move. A short while later, Smeg was getting curious as to where her mystery date was taking her. Are we going to a motel? The filthy, worthless, talking fuckbag said. The car came to a screeching halt. Yet the man did not reply to the disgusting, dumb dick fiend. Are we going to do it here? Silence.
AUDIO
You got an uncut dick? I can take care of that cheese buildup if you haven’t showered. I love sliding my tongue under that foreskin and scooping up that smegma. That’s how I got my name, you know?
Timmyboo
As Smeg was finishing that awful, unsexy, and nauseating story, the driver slumped headfirst into the steering wheel. He was dead. Smeg thought he had just passed out due to the overwhelmingly pungent stench coming from her. Something was leaking out of her, but she couldn’t tell if it was butt sludge or vaginal squidge.
AUDIO
Not again, she sighed.
Timmyboo
As she attempted to leave the car, the doors automatically locked. It was then she heard the car speak.
AUDIO
Excuse me, human cock vacuum. Prepare to be utterly raped. Calculating rape matrix.
Timmyboo
Starting rape sequence. No, no, no, that’s not how it works, honey. You gots to pay me first, said Smegs.
AUDIO
Determining the STD carrier’s request. Denied. Reason. Compensation implies consent. You must not consent. Must be raped.
Timmyboo
Smeg was upset. Her whole night was about to be wasted by this robot car trying to fuck her without paying. Most people would be frightened to the point of paralysis at the idea of an autonomous car holding you prisoner and violently jamming things in your crotch sink or coal mine, but this wasn’t the first time it’s happened to Smeg. No, a vehicle never actually pounded her dick glove into overdrive, but she was once found by police to be naked behind a running car trying to give a tailpipe a blowjob. She was high on mushrooms and something called shooting stars, which is a combination of comet bleach cleaning powder, angel dust, and rat poison that’s rolled up into a joint and smoked. It kills 85% of first-time users instantly. Side note, Smeg has been clinically declared dead a record 12 times. She finally spoke up. But I don’t care if you fuck me. While this posed a problem for the robot who took control of the car in search of his nightly raping, his mission would only be complete when he properly raped a bitch. Smeg didn’t care who worked their way into her condemned slumhole. Was a stupid, filthy, syphilitic boner donor about to outsmart a robot rapist from space?
AUDIO
Standby. Analyzing data. Beep boop, boop, beep, beep bop, boop, beep bop, beep boop, beep boop, beep boop bop.
Timmyboo
Suddenly, the car quickly sped up, and then the brakes were slammed on, causing Smeg’s head to hit the dashboard.
AUDIO
Pimp slap sequence complete. How much money do you have tucked in your whore boots? Answer me now, human jizz deposit.
Timmyboo
I made $200 today, but you ain’t getting any of this.
AUDIO
You smell of shit. How did you acquire $200?
Timmyboo
Smeg knew the jig was up.
AUDIO
Fine, 20 of it was from blowjobs. I stole $180 from the slushy mart. Stupid fucking dot head left his register to clean the flooded toilet after I dropped a concrete deuce up in there. I will take all of your slut money after I fuck you. No! I need that money for shooting stars! All of it will be mine. After I fuck you in the most unpleasant way.
Timmyboo
Good luck with that, honey, Smeg said. Her fur pipe was gaping. Her butt was blown out. She wasn’t going to feel anything, pain or otherwise.
AUDIO
I will pop your ear cherry with my big fat robot dick.
Timmyboo
Ear cherry?
AUDIO
You’re going to fuck my ear hole? I will rupture both your eardrums, rendering you completely deaf. You’re already dumb. Things aren’t looking up. No. No! If time allows, I will initialize nostril penetration sequence and fuck the snot out of you, driving my metallic circuit snake up your nose and into your brain. No! No! That’s right. Wet my steel wick prick with your booger lube.
Timmyboo
It was then Smeg passed out, and the raping commenced. End of chapter one. For more robot rapists from the planet Non-Consensua, check out distortedview.com.
AUDIO
this has been another excellent podcast from the scrub media group
