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Episode Summary

Alexis K. Tyler receives another useless supernatural transmission, dating profiles declare cat ownership gay, two alleged predators make terrible decisions around minors, and Olympic rowers prepare to share a river with hundreds of crocodiles.

Opening Chaos

• The show begins with a romantic anthem for men who refuse to let menstruation interrupt the festivities. Towels are discouraged, red is apparently a favorite color, and subtlety dies before the first verse ends.
• Distorted View celebrates 22 years of unmitigated stupidity, an anniversary nobody involved should examine too closely.

Dating Profiles from Hell

• Shannon, 40, enjoys fishing, kayaking and declaring that any man who owns a cat must be gay. Apparently feline companionship now determines sexual orientation.
• One woman ghosts a perfectly pleasant date before explaining that she never felt financially safe around him because being expensive represents 80 percent of her personality.
• Another self-described princess threatens to unmatch an engineer because he neglects the final period in text messages. Her own angry replies repeatedly contain no punctuation whatsoever.
• The grammar dispute somehow escalates into insults about his job, his coworkers and third-world prostitutes. Dating apps remain humanity’s least regulated psychological screening program.

The Lux the Cat Retraction

• A freak catches Tim recycling the infamous Lux the Himalayan cat 911 call, which originally appeared on the show back in March 2014.
• Tim’s defense is simple: audio from more than a decade ago is basically new, especially when the host cannot remember what happened yesterday.
• Brendan from New York remembers the exact episode date but fails to provide a timestamp. Excellent archival work, unacceptable customer service.

Commercial Jingles That Still Cause Damage

• The old FreeCreditReport.com song returns alongside Tim’s alleged credit score of 103, dangerously close to his equally impressive IQ.
• The Education Connection commercial reopens an ancient wound because its singer tries to rhyme internet with connection.
• Tim remains convinced the entire campaign would have worked if the company had simply been called Education Connect. Decades later, justice has not arrived.

Alexis K. Tyler’s Geisha Sex-Demon Vision

• Alexis K. Tyler returns from the spiritual realm with an urgent warning about junkie sex demons possessing men and making them twirl like women.
• Her vision includes a towering white man, ballet shoes, badly bound geisha feet and enough references to Herman Munster to confuse every supernatural authority involved.
• Lil Nas X may or may not be implicated. Alexis cannot identify the subject, the location or the purpose of the prophecy, but she remains deeply concerned about oversized feet in tiny shoes.
• The transmission eventually moves north from the feet and discovers a thong containing a penis, escaped male pubic hair and mismatched prosthetic breasts with tiny nipples.
• Alexis says the spirit delivered this revelation while she was trying to nap. Even the dead apparently have no respect for personal boundaries.
• The final warning involves geisha-clad sissies humping telephone poles, grabbing drugstore doorknobs and attacking people in the street. Stay alert and check all suspicious thongs for stray hair.

Pennsylvania’s Alleged Neighbor-Lady Nightmare

• Shante Hochberg, 47, faces charges after police say she invited three teenage boys into her Altoona home, performed sexual dances and assaulted a 15-year-old.
• The investigation reportedly began after the boy developed symptoms of a possible sexually transmitted infection. Somehow, the story located one more basement level.
• Authorities allege Hochberg obtained alcohol for the teenagers, encouraged inappropriate contact and later blamed the boys for what happened.
• She allegedly questioned police about the three kids who entered while she was naked and dancing on a table, as though this were an ordinary Tuesday interrupted by trespassers.
• The charges remain allegations and have not been proven in court.

The Dollar General Manager’s Special

• West Virginia manager Jeffrey Malcolm, 35, is accused of paying for an underage girl’s party supplies and asking what she would do for him in return.
• When the girl threatened to tell the manager, Malcolm allegedly laughed and revealed that he was the manager. The bargain-bin villain speech writes itself.
• Authorities say he locked the store, leaving the frightened girl unable to exit until employees returned from taking out the trash.
• Malcolm reportedly admitted paying for the merchandise, locking the door and drinking at work, but denied seeking anything in exchange. His reported blood-alcohol level was .136 percent.
• Investigators also seized his phone after the girl claimed she had previously seen him photographing underage girls at a fair. The allegations remain unproven in court.

Olympic Rowing Enters Crocodile Country

• The Fitzroy River in Rockhampton receives approval to host Olympic and Paralympic rowing and canoe sprint events despite being home to roughly 500 crocodiles.
• Supporters promise wildlife-management measures. Local authorities offer the slightly less soothing reminder that no natural waterway in crocodile country can ever be guaranteed crocodile-free.
• Rowers are also worried about currents, lane fairness, travel distance and regional infrastructure. Being eaten is merely one item on the planning spreadsheet.
• Olympic champion Drew Ginn suggests competitors would probably row faster. At last, a sporting innovation with teeth.

Mead, Bridges and Reddit Hot Wives

• Dr. Deviant proposes Mead as the third celebrity death in a hypothetical trifecta. Tim rejects the idea because the show cannot afford to lose its most reliable source of accidental content.
• A future crowdfunding campaign could theoretically replace Mead’s grocery-store income and employ him as Distorted View’s full-time dancing monkey.
• DJC explains that an attractive woman can make bridge anxiety seem adorable, while Mead requesting an alternate route merely sounds exhausting. The hotness-to-dumbness scale remains brutally efficient.
• Jonathan joins Reddit while building a community around his book and immediately discovers the hot-wife subreddits where husbands enthusiastically applaud strangers sleeping with their spouses.
• Tim requests that Jonathan continue exploring the rabbit hole and send back anything especially diseased.

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