Welcome To Distorted View’s Crude Summer!

Every week I read you some weird, poorly written, or just plain gross erotic fiction.

This week: Who would have thought The Price is Right could be sexy? Get ready to for a plinko in your stinko! The second story has us defiling a Disney Princess Little Mermaid gets caught with dildo bait. Thanks to LVL80CatLady for the amazing album artwork! Check her out on Twitter

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Hastily AI’ed Transcription Of Today’s Show:

One of the most beloved children’s films of all time is the Little Mermaid. Today we defile that fish pitch with a story request from listener David. He writes in. Did you play the story about the prices right, Corey provided you with sound effects and all to go along with the story. Thanks, Tim. And keep up the good work well, with Corey returning to podcasting full time later this year. It’s the perfect time to remind you of what his warped little deranged sex story sounded like. Prices right erotic fan fiction kicks off this installment approved summer. But first, a word from our sponsor. Today’s episode of crew summary is brought to you by AdamAndEve.Com the number one adult toy superstore with a little something for everyone. Look guys, this is a judgment free zone. And I know some of you are into some pretty weird shit. Don’t worry Adam and Eve has you covered. For instance, let’s say you’re straight, but you like this feeling of a little penetration or a lot of penetration and not just penetration but you like the feeling of stuff gushing into your asshole, but you’re not gay. You love ladies, you love the pussy. You just want your prostate stimulated and maybe power washed. I don’t know. What did I say? Just a few seconds ago Adam and Eve has you covered with the natural real skin squirting penis with harness because sometimes you just want to get thrust de squirt crazy and why not? So grab some love and get your natural real skin squirting penis all slick and slippery for hot thrusting with a real happy ending, squirt when you squeeze the balls. But those times you’re just craving some love, blah, blah. Now maybe you don’t want to get slammed in the butt and that’s okay, I guess. Adam and Eve has thousands of products for you to maybe you want a bigger penis. They’ve got penis pumps, they’ve got pills. I don’t know what the bills do but they’ve got pills or appointments or something. necessities like condoms and lube stuff for women stuff for guys if it’s sexual in nature Adam and Eve had you covered they have an amazing deal for you pick out any one item, use promo code freak at checkout that’s fr e aka get half off that item plus a special gift for him and a special gift for her and a third item you both can enjoy. On top of it all six free adult movies and free shipping on your entire order. Just remember to use coupon code FREAK at checkout at AdamAndEve.Com DV is bringing you the worst erotica found on the internet all summer long. It’s distorted View’s Crude Summer That’s right today on the show. We’re entering this Emmys sexy world of television game shows whammies fucking Vanna White. Chuck Woolery, getting a rim job from wink Martindale, Alex Tribeca as fucking reaches film in its anarchie sexy, raunchy anarchie. Today though we’re going to focus on the prices right after 35 years. The Price Is Right game show host Bob Barker no doubt has had his share of game show groupies. However, for decades, Bob had eyes on the Barker’s beauties of course, there have been lawsuits because of it actually, and groping. Bob had not made love in years and longed for the time when he could gang bang the Barker beauties and a brand new car. Cory since Bob’s vision was poor, He mixed up his daily medication with his Viagra and broke into it. uncontrollable frenzy of sexual madness. Bob must eat pussy. He’s going mad. When Bob started the show that morning the announcer Oh, Rod Roddy called, oh, he’s dead now I’ll always remember rod Roddy is the announcer for prices right? He was so great with his like sequin he’s the only man I know that would wear sequin like shirts. All sparkly and shit. Maybe he was gay. I don’t know. His name certainly points to that conclusion, Rod Roddy to being gay porn. All right. When Bob started the show that morning, the announcer called for a contestant to come on down. The female contestant had long silky legs, pleasantly curvy hips and voluptuous breasts. That’s right, Corey provided his On sound effects for this textastic Tuesday, there was an awful sound effect though. Let’s see where this is going. Bob was spellbound with lust. he blurted out as if he was battling Tourette’s. I’m gonna try to do my best Tourette’s impression here. Prices right there Tourettes. All right. All right, so yeah, so come on down and suck my car. You’re the next contestant on the prices right. The woman was startled, but had been a devout admirer and would do anything for Bob. She also wanted to win the showcase showdown and get a sweet speedboat. Yeah, fast boat for a fast lady. You’re not ready for I need to get closer. Okay. The contestants zip down Bob’s pants and pulled out Bob’s gray pickle like prick. Bob’s caulk looked like it had warts you see All the people on the show took hepatitis shots, and it was not a complete success. Okay. She ignored the blemishes and started to lick the salt off of Bob’s dirty caulk. She then scooped out Bob’s cotton candy, like balls. It was like, I’ve never heard of balls described as cotton candy. very descriptive. But yes, that’s probably how old people’s balls are all wrinkly and mushy. It was like discovering two birds eggs in a dirty nest. Get my beauties. It’s very proud of his balls, her lips and golf. Bob’s balls like stuffing a whole pack of Big League Chew in her cheeks. She didn’t suck like a Dirt Devil while jerking off his pickle caulk. The crowd was shocked. Yes, they’re currently taping the show, aren’t they? doing this in front of a studio audience? The crowd was shocked and started running as if there was a fire. Little did they know Bob had a burning fire in his pants that needed extinguishing. The woman kept sucking Bob off like a rabbi on an Newly circumcised baby. Think about that one for a second. All the while Bob was yodeling like the mountain climber in cliffhanger. Bob applied Turtle Wax to his cock and she stroked him faster and faster. Unfortunately Bob became limp. dissatisfied he pushed the woman aside. He handed her the rest of the Turtle Wax as a parting gift and kissed her on the cheek. I want to see you after the show. Bob was still in the mood and noticed a very busty fat black woman still in the crowd with Bob shirt. Bob whipped out a $500 bill and laughed. This show can Could be yours if the price is right. She said no deal and Bob said Ron fucking game show bitch and grabbed her by the cornrows and dreadlocks and raped her on stage. I’ve been here for all these years playing this game you know well enough. You knew I was goofing why’d you stop me there fortunately, Bob could still not come. He then grabbed his Colt 45 handgun and then forcibly lined all the Barker beauties at the bottom of the Plinko board with their legs up and vagina lips wide open. Bob stood at the top of the Plinko board with a smirk on his face. He dropped in his Plinko chips one by one he dropped the first Plinko chip deep into Genesis hot wet pussy $100 Oh Genesis pussies only worth 100 the next Plinko chip went into Kathleen’s hot steamer turning Bob on even more 500 Diane had multiple Plinko chips going deep inside her cash and prizes, causing her to squirt sporadically all over the Plinko board. Oh, we’re building up to something. Bob was so close to coming. Oh, I think it’s gonna blow up that creaking sound plus his penis. But the next Plinko chip got stuck on the Plinko board and Bob again lost his erection. Break Bob. Bob was still on a sexual rampage faster than michael richards looking for a job on monster.com Okay, Bob raced around half topical, Bob raced around with his pants around his ankles and found a Barker beauty Holly on the Lucky Seven set. Maybe it’s not too late. Come on. Bob is a creep. It wasn’t Holly’s lucky day since Bob pistol whipped Holly into unconsciousness. Bob sprinkled rice around San Francisco treat and Holly’s pink dripping pussy and literally ate her out. Bob then fucked her slowly with his long pencil thin microphone and asked, What’s your price now bitch? What’s your price now? Now you’ve had enough. Man, Bob yelled. Come on it sweeps week and ratings are down. He tried to get her in the mood. Do it for the troops, you unpatriotic bitch. Barker barked. Do you have any idea of what a wonderful comeback this would be? Oh, Bob didn’t want to lose his erection. So he did the unthinkable. Bob fantasised have asked for fucking the rotten corpse of former prices right announcer rod Roddy in his flamboyant Pink Pink jacket. Take that rod Roddy. Or whatever the fuck your real name is. feels like you’re gay asshole. Hasn’t skipped a beat. No, that’s not right. No, most certainly isn’t. Still Bob could not shoot his load. Well, I’ll swear nothing’s going right today. That is the most humiliating moment of my life on on prices right Bob was so frustrated that he went to his last resort. He removed the needle out of the big wheel and stuck his dick against the wheel. Bob spun the wheel in the hopes that the wheel would jerk him off. Since his arms had arthritis, he couldn’t get the wheel all the way around. So he had to spin again and again and again. Did not get all the way around. The fourth time he spun it, it was so fast is wirey silver gray pubic hair flew out into the empty audience seats. Bob got into the third person and mumbled in a trance. The wheel is spinning and spinning and I think I’m gonna come Oh, it could be coming. It might be Oh, I think it’s gonna blow up. Bob’s rock hard cock then suddenly snapped off by the Big Whale and flew across the stage like a monster truck. Getting a traffic cone. At the same time Bob finally came and bled all over the wheel through his torn dick. The wheel then landed on the $1 and he won $1,000 but tragically, Bob lost his life. Bob died of a heart attack orgasm and loss of blood. The stage was covered in senior citizen man juice, Bob Barker paid the ultimate price. The price is right his life if only Bob had been spayed or neutered. None of this would have happened my bark reminding you to help control the population. This might blow your mind. But that story was originally read on distorted view back in 2006. That’s a year before Drew Carey took over hosting. So when we read this thing, Bob Barker was still the host of the prices right? The show has been going on for too long. All right. Next up. As promised Little Mermaid based fan fiction. This story has it all. Fish masturbation dildo bait, interspecies fornication that further ado let’s ruin your Disney childhood mermaid born today on TV there is a big mistake right here out the ocean story about you and you’re gonna be treated like I suck on the bed to sleep in that way fuckery let’s get into the story right now. Am we open with Ariel looking for human items in the sea? I guess she’s collecting them right. Ariel took the time to admire herself and the reflection and checked herself before she continued on her journey for more human items. Yet it wasn’t long after she left the reflecting rock that she noticed something that appeared to be just floating out in the open. Ariel raised an eyebrow out of curiosity and changed her course. So as she could get a closer look at the blue item. When she got close enough, Ariel was surprised to find that the blue thing turned out to be some sort of item crafting look like an accurate recreation of a man’s cock and balls. Floating dildo by the way if she does not fuck, Sebastian, I’m going to feel severely gypped by the story. All right. She waited a moment before she finally felt safe enough to swim back up to the item and generally what general g i n e Ra. lLoY Jain rally, okay, reached out a hand to take hold gingerly, maybe gingerly. Okay, gingerly reached out a hand to take hold of the dildo area was surprised to find that this thing had a smooth surface while the whole thing had a fleshy feeling to it, Ariel cutterhead Curiously, as she then began to look at it in a new light, as naughty little thoughts began to dance around in our mind, Ariel hadn’t been with a male before, but she knew enough about mating from her sisters, most of whom already had made to their own to know what they were talking about. At night. She’d keep these things in mind as she pleasured herself with our hands as all sorts of fantasies played themselves out in her mind. Right she took a hold of the dildo with both hands and pulled down on it a little only to be surprised by a slight resistance. Undaunted, she swam up a little as she continued to pull down on the dildo until it met the nest of red curls. her right hand released its hold on the dildo as it parted her Nether lips and guided the tip of the dildo towards her entrance. When it touched her entrance, she felt that twinge of worry but swallowed it back as she’s slowly impaled herself on the five inch long length. As she led out some whimpers as the width of the dildo stretched her pussy out, it hit all those sweet spots that made her grow wet inside. Finally, she had an idea of what it was like to be filled by something other than her fingers. I wonder if when she masturbate, she moans like, ah, alright, so she starts hopping on the dildo, but she feeling greedy at the moment. And that’s exactly how it’s spelled out. She feeling greedy at the moment and wanting to feel more pleasure. She wanted to break the warranty on her new toy and revel in the pleasure that would come of it. So Ariel began to bounce harder on the dildo as her hand unconsciously found the string it was attached to it still debate. Oh, Ariel, it’s a trap. fisherman looking for horny fish. All right. So she Found this string that the the Tilda was attached to. As you continue to bounce on the dildo, small bubbles began to form around her from the motions of finding the toy and her face began to flush from the heat that was slowly growing inside her sexy little body area closed her eyes and tilted her head back a small mons tried to escape throat area closed her eyes as she arched her back and thrust at her voluptuous, but it’s spelled the villain villain pus. Her vo her villain pice bust up towards the surface as our bodies seem to freeze up while her inner walls clamped and pulsed around the false member almost as if they were massaging it and memorizing it for the next time she used it. She’s using a memory foam zeldo I think at the same time, her head felt as if she was being forced out of the ocean and up towards the surface. What a dumb fucking bitch. She saw the string that was attached to the dildo, take it out of your pussy. You’re gonna find yourself on the wrong end of a fishing pole, and then you’re gonna get raped. This is sex Tuesday. After all, now I’m gonna fast forward. It’s Prince Edward who’s on the boat. He catches Ariel. There’s some small talk and then Ariel notices Prince Eric’s big fat penis. Sweet Poseidon, Ariel murmured as she stared at the organ with wide eyes of all and Eric looked down to see that she was looking under his shirt. Aereo he asked, your phallus is larger than the one you can’t be with. Really the prince asked Ariel grab the member and more blood rush to his dick. Please don’t stop said Eric. That’s me. Every time someone touches my penis. Please don’t stop. I know fight that urge. your gut is gonna tell you to stop touching my penis. Put on your clothes and leave. That’s why alcohol is such a good idea if you’re gonna have sex with me. All right, it wasn’t long though before a small bead of white fluid pearled itself with a small black hole once was in the red cap. I don’t know what the hell’s going on here. Area watch it almost entranced as As it steadily grew larger All right, so Eric, Eric has a lot of pre come. At the same time Eric gas from the, from the sensation of a warm, wet tongue rubbing itself against the sensitive tip of the mushroom. Wow, she’s really progressing quickly here. Ariel noticed this and with a grin she started a series of soft licks and she continued to massage his phallus. Wonderful. Eric groaned by like, Guys, I want you to try that next time you get a blow job. That’s the only thing I want you to say. Wonderful. You can also use the word splendid. Splendid. All right, Ariel, he said almost unable to speak her name straight. Ariel asked if she found herself engulfed in what she was doing. Please put my phallus in your mouth Eric said like this. Ariel asked if she stopped the licking and placed the red cap into her mouth. Oh red cap refers to his dead cat. Okay, Eric lead out of size. He felt her warm, wet lips wrapped themselves around his mushroom head. Yes, that’s wonderful. He says wonderful a lot. It’s kind of creepy. Please suckle on me a little. Don’t use the word suckle cow that is just really disturbing. It’s disturbing. second line my pee. Yes. Nurse on my penis. Let the juices give you live. All right. This is so dumb. So Aereo of course is sucking on the penis. Eric’s moans grew louder and huskier as he felt his legs begin to tremble beneath him, and he placed his hands on Ariel’s hands for support. Before long the land Prince could feel his climax approaching as fast as a wild stallion on the run from a hungry lion. vivid is a very good description a plus for effort. Alright, Eric’s mon grew louder and huskier you know he’s gonna come like a wild stallion in the blink of an eye all the pleasure he had felt came together and struck him like a great tsunami. He arched his back Back in thrusted his pelvis forward as he took a firm hold of Ariel’s lovely red hair and came with a loud, inhuman groan that’s how I’m guessing he became. Yeah. All right, that doesn’t sound human fucking troll or some trying to figure out how what an inhuman groan sounds like caught off guard aerial gas what his flesh was plunged deeper into our mouth, which was soon invaded by a large load of warm, wet fluid. Ariel’s lips released their hold on the princess member and she moved her head back to see what was going on, only to be surprised as he shot several loads of come onto her face, neck and bare chest area held her hands up. Don’t shoot, but it did nothing to stop her from getting sprayed by the creamy substance. And all she could do was kneel there and keep her eyes closed until he unloaded his balls upon her. Now after air Eric has a chance to recharge he wants to, you know plunge into that hot mermaid con. So I’ll read just a little, just a short excerpt from that and then we’re gonna be done with a stupid story ever so slowly plunged deep into her vagina, an area led out soft whimpers his, his flesh rubbed against those hidden little pleasure spots. Is that my Maidenhead? Ariel thought to herself as she glanced down at the spot where they were connected. With a single thrust. Eric’s phallus tore through her virginity and a white hot pain flashed through her body like a small fire. His area let out a Yelp of pain and she embraced the prince as her eyelid squeezed away tears of pain. Yep, that was my Maidenhead. Ariel thought as the pain radiated deep within her body. As time passed, the pain was completely washed away by the pleasure. And Ariel began to wither underneath Eric as he increased the speed and ferocity of his thrust. Like a tsunami again with the tsunami. There’s a lot of tsunamis in the sea. All right, like a tsunami. Nami he came with one last deep thrust he came with a loud groan as he filled her defenseless womb with his seed. That’s the best kind of womb a defenseless one. As this happened, Ariel could feel the warm fluid pool deep within her. And she came with a strangled cry as her inner walls clamped down around him, and she held onto them for dear life. Alright, where are we out here? Eric smiled. He couldn’t believe he just made love with a mermaid so we lazily trail his fingers down to his stomach and passed her nest of red curls to feel the scales over Finn, but it didn’t and wouldn’t find scales anymore. Instead, he found soft, delicate skin and too long, slender legs. This guy is a stud. I am going to bend you so hard, you’re going to sprout legs. I hope word of this does not get out because there’s going to be a line of crippled people around the block just waiting for Prince Eric to fuck them. Come on, blow your mobility seed up my posts. Yes, we covered it all on today’s episode occurred summer from daytime television game shows to blockbuster kiddie movies and then we sexualized them. Just so very wrong, we should be ashamed of ourselves. If you have a favorite sex story that we’ve previously read on distorted view and you want to hear it again, why not request it for crude summer, just email me show at distorted view calm our voicemail line is 206-666-4463 and I am all over social media at distorted view on Twitter and Instagram and facebook.com slash distorted view. That reminds me my daily podcast distorted view daily airs Monday through Friday, catch it over there at distorted view.com Make sure to subscribe available on all podcast services including Spotify. That’s some official shit right there. Alright, I’ll see you back next week for another episode of crude summer. Until then, Just a quick final reminder that today’s crude summer was brought to you by Adam and Eve calm use promo code FREAK to get 50% off just about any item plus free shipping on your entire order and a bunch of free gifts. Adam and Eve calm promo code FREAK

“Lobby Time” by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)

License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)