On Today’s Show:
| 00:00:00 | Introduction |
| 01:51:14 | Is Meade Hitting The Bottle Too Hard? |
| 11:50:09 | Scatting Up A Storm |
| 16:54:12 | Lubricating Your Intestines With Testosterone Gel |
| 22:48:14 | Trans Latina Arrested |
| 30:40:20 | Support Distorted View! |
| 32:43:16 | The 11 Cock Rings Of Doom |
| 36:29:00 | Forcing Inmate To Lick Up Urine |
| 40:02:18 | Sucking Instead Of Blowing |
| 43:04:20 | Voicemails: 206-666-4463 / Ending |
Our New PO Box Address!
Distorted View
PO Box 36268
Cincinnati, OH 45236
- Call In To The Voicemail Line: 206-666-4463
- Support Distorted View – Check out our Patreon page
- Get Exclusive Episodes Every Week – Become A Member Of The Distorted View Sideshow!
Podcast: Download
AI Transcript:
Without further interruption, let’s celebrate and suck some dick.
Hey, freaks, it’s Tuesday, March 19th, 2024.
Coming up on the program today, does Mead Skelton have a drinking problem?
The evidence is mounting.
Plus, the soothing sounds of butter scatting, lubricating your intestines with testosterone gel, and how many cock rings can you stack on your manhood before the gangrene sets in?
Find out today.
That’s how it is to be a nation of crack whore, drug addict, brain damaged prostitutes.
That’s basically what we are.
We’re just a totally drugged out, cigarette burns all over us, mindlessly gibbering, watching Saturday morning cartoons, laying in a flea bag hotel with stains all over the carpet.
We’re just covered with slime.
We just watch the TV gibbering and drooling.
We don’t have any front teeth.
And the Federal Reserve just comes in with a nightstick if we ever argue and just beats us in the head.
That’s who we are.
That really is who we are.
We’re a drugged out prostitute who weighs about 90 pounds with cigarette burns all over with clumps of hair falling out.
A crack whore right on the end, right on the edge, be dead soon.
Be taken out and thrown in a river.
Nobody in the world will care.
Because after all, we were that crack whore.
We were that arrogant, evil country.
Sock dry, totally imploded.
I’m sorry to use analogies like that, but that’s what we are.
A toothless crack whore with crust all over our eyes.
We were once beautiful, 18-year-old woman who ran away from home, ran away from the church, ran away from goodness.
We were gonna live on the streets.
We were gonna make it big in Hollywood.
And now we’re a crack whore with our hair falling out.
It’s the Distorted View Show with Tim Henson.
Hot dog and jumbo will not be seen this morning so that we may bring you the following.
All right, freaks, Tim back here with you for your Tuesday episode of DV.
Have a great one for you.
At the top of the show, I’ve got a new theory about our friend Mead Skelton.
This idea was formulated after watching his most recent live stream.
He got on YouTube during St.
Patrick’s Day to sing a few Irish ditties, and it became clear to me, and let me know how you feel about this theory.
Mead is an alcoholic.
That’s right, a full-blown, sloppy, barely functioning alcoholic.
Those are lofty allegations, and I very well could be wrong, but I think I’ve got some evidence to back me up here.
It’s at least worth exploring.
We’re gonna take this step-by-step.
Now, at the beginning of the live stream, Mead doesn’t even know where the camera is at.
Give it a mind, he’s the only person in the room, and he has set this all up himself.
All right, howdy, everybody.
Welcome to, hey, happy St.
Patrick’s Day, everybody.
I wore as much green as I could for you.
Okay, look, I got my green watch.
Yeah, this whole time, he’s looking to his right, and he’s holding his arm up, but not into the camera.
Oh, you’re over there, hey, right there, hello there.
So I got my green watch, and this, I was, I went to Celtic service tonight at a church, and that was nice.
Did you go to an Irish pub after services?
And I didn’t do any drinkin, woo drinkin.
Some people get drunk at communion, but I wasn’t one of them.
So let’s do, I’m gonna do something for ya.
Okay, I’m gonna do a song for ya.
I think this is the funniest thing.
I mean, what would you call this?
Sorry, I just have a case of the giggle.
Shh.
Okay, I have a case of the giggles, everybody.
Okay, let’s do a song for ya.
This is a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Irish song that is kind of, oh, my tears are squeaky.
I mean, my man is all over the place here.
Adding to that evidence of complete inebriation, I was thinking about Mead’s weight loss journey, and he’s always talking about how puffy he is, how bloated he is.
That’s definitely a side effect of drinking too much.
Back to the livestream, Mead can’t even get through the song.
He’s like fluttering his fingers, looking down at his keyboard.
I don’t think he knows what keys to press.
Oof, he’s still trying to find the right keys to play there.
Yippee!
Jesus Christ.
Hey, hope you’re doing well, buddy.
Party boy, it’s, oh, hey, party boy.
Oh, party boy, party boy is in the house, in the house.
Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop.
Yeah, party boy’s in the house.
I mean, this is not typical mead behavior, right?
TMB.
Typical mead behavior.
He is never this carefree and loose, you know?
And by the way, my new name on Discord is Noodle Stripped.
So I hope I can find you on Discord.
Discord, Discord, it’s run by the you-know-who.
Run by the people that run everything.
Now that’s the mead I recognize.
Good old anti-Semitic mead.
But folks, I’m doing fine.
I assure you, I’ve not had a touch to drink.
Now this is the second time he said he hasn’t had a drink.
Actually in the comments, he says it again.
You know, I was thinking about it, I was thinking, I was thinking I was gonna have like a little schnapps or something here and there, you know, cause it is St.
Patrick’s Day.
Half the time you’re wondering, oh, is he just pretending to sound drunk because it’s St.
Patrick’s Day?
Or is there really something going on here?
And the fact that he’s like fucking up his music and laughing, I don’t know.
It seems like if he didn’t drink on purpose, something, someone slipped him something.
And we’re just so happy that it’s St.
Patrick’s Day because St.
Patrick, St.
Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.
Throughout the live stream, his eight viewers continually question his sobriety.
Uh, no, I have not been drinking, okay.
I didn’t change, I didn’t have anything to drink.
Why does everyone think that?
I just, I don’t know what it is, what came over me, but all of a sudden, I got the giggles.
I just got very lightheaded, I don’t know what it is.
I’m not drunk, I just can’t form words.
I slur my speech, the room is spinning.
I feel a little nauseous.
I’m lightheaded, yeah.
He composes himself and begins his next song, and about, I don’t know, 30 seconds or a minute in, he fucks up again, which is all very unusual for me.
Usually he can get through his own goddamn songs.
What the heck are we.
Okay, let’s try that again, sorry.
That is it, I do like this mean a lot more than the regular mean.
There are just so many great examples of mead acting.
Very strange.
He’s kind of breathing heavy a lot throughout this video.
I don’t know if that’s normal for him.
Whoops.
What’s the highest note you can hit?
The highest note I can hit is the high E flat.
And your mom is brazier.
What is the joke there?
Just kidding.
No, I could hit the high E flat.
Let’s see.
No, that’s not right.
Okay, there we go.
Yeah, we’re having a ball, aren’t we?
Let’s try the Molly song, I’m supposed to do that one, right?
He completely forgot about hitting that high note.
He also comes up with some other excuses, like an alcoholic, right?
Excuse me.
Yeah, I’m having a bad night, you see.
Not because I’m drunk.
Yeah, I’m very uncomfortable.
This is not a good setup.
Yeah, it’s my setup.
The piano’s not facing the right way.
It’s not the setup at all.
This is not the right setup.
I like the window to my back.
That’s why I’m not doing very well.
That’s why everybody thought I was drunk when I came on the show, because the setup is wrong, and I got all huffy puffy.
That’s not the reason we think you’re drunk.
People do call me out on that, by the way.
They’re like, no, that’s not why we think you’re drunk.
Boy, it’s hot in here for March, isn’t it?
It feels a little hot in here.
I can f***.
All right.
So that’s a fun Irish song.
I don’t know who wrote that, but it’s always when you sing absolute operas of giggling, you wouldn’t sound like you were slurring your words.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
We all do that from time to time.
Yeah, we all have the giggles.
And the slurring of words.
Yeah, boy, it’s hot in here for March, isn’t it?
It’s sweating up a storm.
I can feel those beads of sweat popping out all over me.
Yeah, what are we doing, folks?
Okay, oh, I look like Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man.
These glasses make me look like Dustin Hoffman, you know?
Yeah, it’s the glasses that make you look like Rain Man.
All right, I think that’s enough.
I’ll let you guys be the judge.
What do you think?
What’s going on with Mead?
Because something is going on there.
I just hope he finds the help he so desperately needs.
If you or a loved one is struggling with alcohol abuse, please don’t listen to Mead Skelton’s music.
It’s only gonna cause you to drink more.
You thought I was gonna give the number to a substance abuse hotline.
It’s not that kind of podcast, baby.
You’re on your own, assholes.
Oh, you can use Google.
Even drunk people can figure out how to use Google.
What, do you want me to hold your hand through this entire process?
No, you gotta do some of the work yourself here if you’ve got a problem.
Take some responsibility, asslips.
Christ sakes, get your shit together.
All right, let’s move on.
I have got some scat content for you.
Now, before you immediately fast forward a few minutes, because let’s face it, scat is an acquired taste, an acquired bitter, chewy, clay-like disgusting taste.
Thankfully, today, I am not talking about the poop type of scat.
I’m talking about the.
I don’t know what, I mean, I don’t want to be rude here, but I don’t know.
I don’t know if it’s a man or a woman.
And I fear I will be cancered, canceled, sorry.
I think I’m turning into meat here.
I had whatever he was drinking.
I’m gonna be cancered.
Well, that’s kind of correct.
I’m gonna be cancered if I venture a gender guess here.
Ultimately, it doesn’t matter.
Let’s just take a listen to this person scatting.
I’m gonna scat.
I don’t know if you know what that is.
I don’t know how to explain it.
So, okay.
So I’m just gonna start.
You sound like a cartoon car that’s running out of gas.
Are you sure we have enough gasoline to make it?
Honey, I know how much fuel we’re gonna need for the trip.
Maybe I’m being too hard on them.
They’re just getting warmed up here.
They are saying butter, right?
Otherwise, I can’t believe it’s not butter.
Butter, butter, butter, butter.
So I must be nervous because I’m on a camera.
Oh, okay.
Take two.
I’ll do that again.
One more time.
Butter, butter, butter.
Butter.
Butter, butter, See, in this context, I thought scat was a musical term.
They apparently meant scat as in complete shit.
Also, just an observation here.
When this person scats, they sound like a deaf person asking where the bathroom is at.
Butter, butter, You need to go where?
Butter, butter, Bedroom?
Bathroom?
You need to go pee?
Butter, butter, Or it’s like an infant just kind of like starting to learn how to speak.
Butter, butter, butter, butter, butter, You need your bottle?
Ba ba, ba ba, you need your binky?
Ba ba ba ba, ba ba.
That’s all I’m showing for right now.
Even when they’re talking, they kind of just end up grunting.
Well, there you go.
The masterful scatting for your Tuesday.
Still beats the other kind of scat, right?
Scatting.
Hey, it’s not great, but it’s better than just saying butter, butter, better butter for a minute and a half.
You guys remember a bunch of commercials in the, I don’t know, late 80s, early 90s for Parquet, which was I think a margarine, right?
It wasn’t even butter.
Butter, but the idea was it’s better than butter.
And in the commercials, the parquet containers would just say butter, butter over and over.
When your family wants a spread with better buttery taste, butter, then should spread country crock.
Hey, that butter is scatting.
That was a rare musical parquet commercial.
Here’s another one.
Impress my girl, Darlene.
Here, parquet margarine.
Hold it.
My tuna surprise, baloney roll-ups, candles, flowers, parquet.
Oh, she’s here.
All right, I’ll taste you.
Hey, you’re really light, creamy.
Your butter.
All right, enough of this.
Let’s move on for Christ sakes.
I have a small update regarding one of our newer finds, the Futa Loving Cockmaster.
This is a guy who fantasizes about women with exceptionally large penises, like comically large.
In other videos, he’s expressed interest in female Pokemon characters, as long as they’ve got giant cocks.
And in reality, he enjoys the company of trans women.
At least that’s what he masturbates to.
So I’ve got a couple clips here from Futa Loving Cockmaster’s most recent videos, including.
You should never underestimate the power of a trans girl’s princess wand.
Yeah, this guy has accounts all over the place.
So he’s got like a YouTube channel, he’s on Twitch, but also on Pornhub and OnlyFans, where you can watch him jerk off and he does weird things like rolling up pillows or bedsheets and then attaching a photo of an anime rabbit with a huge cock and then he penetrates the crevices of the pillow or something like that.
There’s a lot going on here.
The man’s a freak.
When he’s not recording a video for the porn sites though, he’ll use terminology like magic wand to refer to a trans woman’s penis.
You should never underestimate the power of a trans girl’s princess wand because if she wants to cast spells on her boyfriend’s intestinal or esophageal lining, he will lubricate it with testosterone gel and she will dilate his boy pussy or make him gag on it.
I get what you’re saying.
Despite being hyper sexualized, it came as no surprise to me that this guy has actually never touched a pussy.
I, Foo2LovingCockmaster, am 31.
I identify as mostly straight.
And I have never touched a single vagina in my entire life.
Like most 31 year old straight dudes.
This is because I find them itchy and gross.
And also because women can get pregnant from there.
And I’m extremely risk averse and neurotic.
So I’m afraid she’ll get pregnant if I put my penis there, because even if I’m using a condom, there’s still a one in 1000 chance she can get pregnant.
And who has sex with a regular partner less than three times a day?
You only need to have sex three times a day to get up to 1000 times over the course of a year.
Yeah, it’s a numbers game there.
He’s just playing the odds.
And also my first experiences with condoms were bad.
They felt like a boa constructor around my dick.
So I kind of just figured I’d be happier doing side stuff and anal.
But most of all, the reason why I have never touched a single vagina You love dick?
Is because I love penis.
Cheenus.
Come on, use the correct terminology.
You came up with it.
You sell the merchandise on your website.
Cheenus lover.
penis.
And I like tall women.
I like clucky voices.
And I like makeup.
I like the way women look in makeup.
I also like getting topped.
It feels more intimate to me.
And you know what?
The majority of cis women who top men are crazy femdoms who expect you to lick their feet and perform cunnilingus on them half the time.
So that rules out dating cis women who top men because the patriarchy has mean nearly every last one of them to view topping and bottoming exclusively in terms of power dynamics.
And that is my single biggest turnoff because I am the most vanilla being in all of existence.
My sexuality is literally penis go in and out of hole.
Well, but you like to be topped though.
So it’s the woman’s penis going in and out of your hole.
By the way, you can say you’re the most vanilla guy in the world, but I’m looking at a Pornhub video of you and Fishnet Stockings getting ready to fuck a pillow that is supposed to represent Pokemon.
I’m doing a polyamorous chaser playthrough of Pokemon Infinite Fusion, where I nicknamed the Pokemon in my party after porn stars.
And today I attached the artwork of a Pokemon in my party to a body pillow, and I’m gonna cross-dress and have sex with it.
Oh yeah, he’s also attached a sex toy into the pillow.
Right?
Trans rights.
There’s like a pussy sticking out of that thing.
He’s fucking the Poke pillow.
Wonder if this is what a Lopunny’s insights feel like in real life.
Yeah, if you don’t play the game, a lawpunny is a Pokemon that kind of looks like a rabbit.
Look at the chapter artwork for a depiction of that thing, and you tell me, would you have sex with it?
And if the answer is no, how about this?
What if it’s a lawpunny, but has a giant cock, and she rams it inside of your hot little boy pussy?
Now will you have sex with lawpunny?
Lawpunny, he is going to town.
And I’m hoping it also feels as good to ejaculate on a lawpunny as it’s gonna feel to ejaculate on this printout.
Yeah, he comes on the lawpunny picture he printed out.
We don’t need to hear that.
I can’t believe this guy has never touched vagina before.
What a shock.
A woman licking my balls for more than three seconds is enough to give me a fucking seizure.
And you know what else?
Not only am I vanilla in terms of sexual acts performed, I’m also a vanilla in terms of sexual positions because my favorite ones are missionary and spooning.
I don’t think Pokemon would let you spoon with them.
These are creatures after all.
It’s Charizard style or nothing.
Take it or leave it there, big boy.
Well, there you go.
A little futile loving cock master update.
And finally, before we get into the news today, we have a police altercation.
Not exactly sure what prompted the police call.
Maybe we’ll learn that during the clip, but it does involve a very annoyed trans woman.
So that was enough for me.
Okay, what’s your last name?
Right, so first name.
At the top here, you’re just hearing the police gather some information.
It doesn’t take her long to get pissed off over that.
Why you want all my info?
Cause I have to do a report on this?
Say what you will about trans people, but this person sounds like a woman.
That’s how they talk.
I don’t even understand what this is all about.
Why are you even here?
Cause you called us, you stupid bitch.
That was one question too many apparently.
She is up and agitated.
You’re invading my privacy, cause I need a lawyer, and you need a mobile, because I’m gonna go.
I don’t wanna press charges, and if I wanna press charges, that’s why, let me leave.
As far as I understand the situation, she’s the one that called the cops, right?
Once they come, it’s like you can’t tell them to just go away, cause you don’t like all the questions.
Yes, I’m leaving.
You’re not leaving.
Why am I not leaving?
Because I have another officer talking to the other people that were in the office.
So I’m gonna speak to you.
Okay, well, let me leave.
So if you wanna have your chance to give me your side of the story, then you can do it.
I don’t wanna be here.
That’s fine.
So the faster that you cooperate, the faster you possibly leave, then.
Can I go?
But no.
Is it wrong that I want this clip to end in a tazing?
No, because you, honestly, you’re stopping me.
That’s against the law.
We’ve got another law expert here.
That’s against the law for me to stay here.
That’s against the law.
You touch me.
You touch me.
I will.
That’s against the law.
By the way, as this video progresses, we start to get bits and pieces of what prompted all of this.
You’re entrapping me.
Don’t touch me.
Look, you’re touching me.
You’re touching me.
You threw a bottle at somebody’s head.
Don’t touch me.
There’s a 100% chance she did, in fact, throw a bottle at someone’s head.
The next three minutes is pretty much her just saying, you can’t touch me, I know my rights.
You can’t touch me.
So if you call 911.
Who do you think’s gonna come if you call 911?
More police.
That is not going to help you.
It’s kind of why you’re dealing with the situation you’re in now.
It’s cause 911 was called.
There is no video you are-
Okay, well there’s no video.
Why you claiming?
Not only is there no video, but this woman has a good theory as to why people are saying she threw a bottle, cause they wanna frame her.
So she’s still on the phone with 911, calling the police that’s already there a pussy ass bitch.
Let’s see how this all plays out.
It’s a hate crime is what it is.
It’s plain as day, anyone can see it.
This poor woman has been targeted.
She’s obviously 100% innocent of everything she’s being accused of.
They’re framing me cause I’m trans.
The 911 dispatcher so far is saying the exact same thing that the police officer is saying.
Stop yelling.
Now, you may remember from just a few seconds ago, her battle cry is, you can’t touch me.
Well, we’re going to test that out cause the handcuffs are appearing.
Take your purse off.
I’m surprised she’s not screaming you can’t touch me because they’re most definitely touching her.
Maybe the gravity and reality of the situation is hitting her.
You see, they’re arresting me.
They’re arresting me.
Take your purse off.
Arresting me for what?
What am I doing?
Well, you’re being a cunt.
They’re arresting me.
Okay, so she is aware of what’s happening.
Good.
I already got it.
Ma’am, this is Officer Haddad with Displanes Police.
At least they’re respecting her pronouns, calling her ma’am, you know.
I have a serious question for you.
Have you accepted Jesus Christ as the one true Lord and Savior?
No, that was not the serious question.
I have a serious question for you.
Why?
You said that you were transgender, correct?
Would you ever consider going on a date with a cop?
It’s the hypothetical question here.
Would you like a female officer to come here and search you then?
And you spit on the car.
Well, that is not ladylike.
She spits multiple times at the police car.
Dainty little flower she is.
We’re back to that.
Oh, now she’s mad that the man is touching her, even though he just asked, would you like a female officer to search you?
I don’t give a f***.
Okay, why are you touching me?
Because I’m not going to let you spit on my car.
Don’t touch me like a man.
Like that line of questioning gave her an idea.
Oh, yeah.
You can scream at him for being a man touching me.
Yes.
Why are you touching me like that?
He’s touching her arm.
It’s not like he’s fingering her pussy or something.
Why are you touching me like that?
Are we on a date?
Don’t stomp on my toes.
Yes, you did.
With her big f***ing size, 13 feet.
Why you guys are doing that to me?
Why are you doing that?
Wow, she really is playing the victim here, even though she’s spitting, trying to break his toes.
Really?
You’re doing that to me?
I think this is the kind of Latina that Meade is attracted to.
He likes those, you know, in charge type of broads.
Those spicy Latinas.
Alright, well there you go.
Mead’s Dream Woman there.
And with that, let’s get into the crazy bizarre twist of the fucked up news.
Hey, if you enjoy Distorted View daily, why not become a member of the sideshow?
When you subscribe, you’ll gain access to all of the exclusive programs we do throughout the week.
Now, typically, I do two free episodes here on the feed, and then I do three Sideshow exclusive episodes, making this a daily podcast.
Yes, get your daily dose of distortion.
Subscribe right now.
Memberships are very inexpensive, only $6.99 a month, even less when you offer a quarterly, semi-annual, yearly, or lifetime membership.
You can sign up through the website, superfreaksideshow.com.
If you go that route, you’ll gain access to a RSS feed that you can plug into most podcasting apps.
Works with Apple Podcasts, Overcasts, Pocket Casts, most of the big ones.
Now, if you happen to use Apple Podcasts, or Spotify, you can also sign up right inside of those apps.
If you go that route, you just tap a few times.
Very easy to sign up that way, and you’ll start to see all of these sideshow exclusive episodes right alongside the free episodes in your feed.
Again, you sign up directly inside a Spotify or Apple Podcast.
So a bunch of different ways to gain sideshow access.
For more information, check out superfreaksideshow.com.
One other way to support the show, we’ve got a Patreon account, patreon.com/distortedview.
You can pledge as little as a dollar over there.
Every little bit helps.
There are some perks though.
Like if you pledge $5, you get access to a special voicemail line where I will play your calls first.
We have some higher tiers as well.
If you pledge at least $20 a month, occasionally I send out DV merchandise or little goodies.
As a matter of fact, I just sent out a bunch of Distorted View plushy logo like pillow things.
Nice description.
To all of our higher tier patrons, and those have tracking numbers and are on route to their destinations now.
So that’s pretty cool.
You guys should be getting that sometime this week if you are a higher tier patron.
patreon.com/distortedview if you want to sign up over there.
Okay, three very quick stories now.
First up, we got one from Thailand here.
A Thai man was taken to the hospital after attempting to insert his penis into 11 penis rings.
That resulted in a medical emergency.
Usually you just need one penis ring.
I’m wondering exactly what this guy was doing.
He was misusing the rings.
Or, my theory, and I don’t want to perpetuate the stereotype that all Asian men’s cocks are tiny, but I feel like he was possibly doubling up or 11 timesing it up because the rings kept slipping off.
I think it was a girth issue for him.
Unfortunately, this story does not include like x-rays or any sort of visual exhibits to help me out here.
All we have are the words.
The individual had to undergo surgery to remove the metal rings.
Wow, they were…
See, I was thinking they were like stretchy rings.
I had this all wrong.
I don’t know what the heck this guy was doing with 11 rings.
Alright, he somehow managed to stack 11 rings on his dick.
Good for you, sir.
It caused his penis to swell and bruise severely, which led to him losing consciousness.
The medical team faced challenges in cutting the rings due to the excessive swelling.
Thankfully, the surgical procedure was ultimately successful, and the man is now recuperating in a Bangkok hospital ward.
The man reported that he purchased the rings from a hardware stall.
See, that was his first mistake.
These are not cock rings, per se.
These were just regular rings.
Someone didn’t know about promo code FREEK over there at adamandeve.com.
You get yourself a real cock ring, one that was designed for the specific purpose of keeping your dick hard.
I know what this guy was thinking.
He went to the hardware store looking for rings that could possibly fit around his penis, and the only thing the hardware store had were like this package of rings that came in sets of a dozen or something.
And he got it home and he’s like, well, I bought 12 rings, I might as well use them all.
Even though he really just, he just needed the one.
The rest, unfortunately, is history.
He put on the homemade devices when he was alone, only to realize his error as the metal rings painfully restricted his penis during an erection, which is kind of what cock rings do, right?
He just couldn’t get it off.
He was quickly transported to the hospital as the swelling intensified.
Penis rings, of course, are sometimes used during masturbation to enhance the feeling of fullness.
Get you nice and plump.
This practice, of course, carries risks.
The embarrassment of a hospital visit is just one of those risks, but the possibility of lasting harm, that’s the real risk involved.
The condition can lead to irreversible damages, including penile gangrene, which doesn’t sound great.
That could result in amputation.
A similar incident occurred in South Africa recently, where a man placed his wedding ring on his penis.
Oh, poor guy.
Little pencil-dick freak.
Yeah, he got his wedding ring on his penis.
Surgeons struggled to remove the ring due to extreme swelling and the ring size and strength, failing twice even after the patient was sedated.
Oh my God, did he die?
I mean, you know, out of embarrassment?
Yeah, the doctors failed twice even after using an orthopedic oscillating saw.
The third attempt, though, was successful after injections reduced the swelling just enough to allow doctors to slide the ring off.
The man eventually made a full recovery.
So there you go.
A little penis news for your Tuesday.
Second story we have for you today.
We got one here from Jackson, Mississippi.
Ex-police officer Michael Christian Green admitted guilt to a federal misdemeanor charge for making a detained man lick urine off a jail cell floor.
Women don’t have very good aim, you know.
So if this is your girlfriend peeing on your face, we’re not sure where it’s gonna end up.
It can be in your ear or in your eye or in your mouth.
You don’t know.
First thing is to start working the face.
Just a little taste of piss from my hose.
Back to the story here.
Greene, previously employed by the Pearl Police Department, was terminated following the December incident, captured on security footage in Pearl, a Jackson suburb.
Greene, who has a tattoo of a large cross and the word blessed on his arms, he’s a holy man.
He appeared calm in court.
Of course, he’s got Jesus on his side.
He did not contest the allegations presented by the prosecutor.
He pled guilty to the charge of deprivation of civil rights when questioned by Judge Andrew Harris.
Pearl Mayor Jake Wyndham expressed his dismay at a news conference, criticizing Greene’s actions towards the detainee.
While the court documents do not specify race, a Pearl spokesperson revealed that Greene is white and the arrested individual is Latino.
You cannot touch me.
You cannot touch me.
That’s right.
This Latino knows his rights.
The incident occurred on December 23rd, right before Christmas.
After a store disturbance led to the man’s arrest, security footage showed the man, identified by initials, BE as in I need to be peeing.
Yes, he attempted to inform Greene of his need to urinate.
After waiting, B urinated in a cell corner.
The footage then depicted Greene threatening BE with violence and forcing him to lick the urine, and even capturing the act on his phone.
The federal document emphasized that Greene’s actions lacked any governmental or law enforcement justification.
Following the incident’s discovery during Christmas weekend, Pearl officials initiated an investigation.
Greene resigned on December 27.
The victim was not present at Greene’s hearing, although he was contacted about attending.
Greene, currently out on bond, awaits sentencing on May 24, facing up to a year in prison and a $10,000 fine.
He’s been ordered to relinquish his Mississippi law enforcement certification.
Mayor Windham highlighted the swift response of the Pearl Police Department to the incident, contrasting it with the actions of the Goon Squad, a group of former officers who admitted guilt to a racially motivated assault last year in Rankin County, where Pearl is located.
How about a real quick survey here?
Should I keep calling you guys my freaks, or should we maybe update that term, and you guys will now be known as the Goon Squad?
I mean, we’ve been using freaks since the very beginning of this show.
Maybe it’s time for a change.
Although what a rich history it is.
I don’t know if Goon Squad, I don’t know if Goon Squad has staying power.
I know I’ll slip up and just end up calling you guys freaks anyway.
Maybe we should just leave it after all.
Alright, a final story we have for you today.
A driver caught the attention of police in Cambridge over there in the UK earlier this year on January 24th when she had difficulty providing a breathalyzer reading by the roadside.
Because she was doing it wrong, her natural instinct kicked in and she started sucking instead of blowing.
Tracy Campbell had parked her car abruptly and exited the vehicle, prompting the officers to approach her.
They noticed the smell of alcohol on her breasts, which is weird.
Oh, sorry, I’m not wearing my glasses.
The smell of alcohol was on her breath, and they attempted to administer a roadside breast-alyzer test.
What?
No, breath-alyzer, goddammit!
I really need to get my eyes checked.
It’s been a couple of years.
Campbell had trouble providing a proper sample, initially blowing and then sucking on the device, even asking the officer, am I blowing in or out?
Actually, I believe I have some audio here of the incident.
Big deep breath, seal your lips, and blow nice and slowly till it tells you to stop.
Even if you have never encountered a breathalyzer test before, these instructions are pretty clear and easy to follow.
Our girl here has some questions though.
So what do I do?
Take a big deep breath, seal your lips, and blow steadily until I tell you to stop.
That was the second time he explained it to her, and it still doesn’t penetrate that sloshy rum and coke filled head of hers.
I’m blowing in or out?
How do you blow in?
That’s impossible.
What am I doing?
That’s sucking.
No, what am I doing?
Blow out like you’re blowing up a balloon.
No, but I’m sucking in or sucking out.
No, no, I didn’t say sucking.
Blow.
Okay?
Just blow?
Yes.
Okay.
Yeah, don’t remember five to six.
That’s received.
Blow out like you’re blowing up a balloon, nice and slowly.
We’re still trying to get a roadside…
Harder.
Keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going.
Okay, you stopped.
I told you to keep going, and you stopped.
When do I get to start sucking?
Well, after some struggle, Campbell managed to blow into the machine, but stopped prematurely.
It’s very frustrating when women do that, right?
The officer warned her that she would be arrested if she failed to provide a satisfactory sample on the next attempt.
He finally provided a sample that showed that she was four times over the legal limit for alcohol.
On Friday, at Huntington Magistrates Court, 52-year-old Campbell from Ring Fort Road in Cambridge pleaded guilty to drink driving.
She was banned from driving for two years in eight months and received an 18-month community order, including 120 hours of unpaid work.
Apparently, Campbell had three previous convictions for drunk driving over a 20-year period.
Police Constable Joe Wolf said that there was no excuse for drunk driving, and it was fortunate she did not cause harm to herself or other road users.
So there you go.
That’s what’s happening in the UK and your world today.
Let’s do a couple voicemails and get the hell out of here.
All right, guys, you know I love to hear from you, and there are many ways to contact the program.
Show at distortedview.com.
That’s my email address.
Voicemail line for you, 206-666-4463.
Although if you pledge at least $5 over there on our Patreon account, you get access to a special voicemail.
And yes, we do have some patrons checking in today.
Also don’t forget, I’m all over social media, at Distorted View on Twitter and Instagram, facebook.com/distortedviewshow, yada, yada, yada.
All right, let’s check in with some freaks.
As I mentioned, we do have a patron caller.
You know, the listener brought up Meade’s birthday, and he’s 45.
Yeah, so Meade’s birthday is April 8th, as I learned yesterday.
A caller informed me of that.
So yeah, he’s older than me.
I’m 39.
I felt like I was an adult before, I don’t know, I’ve got two kids, I’ve been married for almost 10 years.
Like I’ve been an adult-
You’re a baby compared to Meade.
An adult for a while.
When did you feel like an adult?
Oh.
Because you don’t really, like obviously you have some very complicated things going on with Lord Douche.
Also, do you ever feel like Lady Douche?
Or do you feel like the Lord’s Douche?
But like-
I go right up his ass.
Do you feel like an adult?
If you feel like an adult?
You know, it’s strange because sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t.
The majority of time, I do not feel like I’m an adult.
I gotta be honest with you.
Even though I do adult things, right?
I can be responsible, you know, and pay bills, do taxes, you know, things around the house.
I do adult things, but I think on a day-to-day basis, because of the show, my mind is in a very like not adult place.
I do a lot of immature things on this podcast, and doing this podcast is the biggest chunk of my day.
It’s hard to think of yourself as like an adult.
I mean, I know I’m a grown ass man, but I don’t think of myself as like an adult.
Like, I think often about how my dad acted, and I compare that to how I act.
You know, when he was my age, he was like a very like just like a stoic, manly, go to work, provide for my family, grill meat, you know, that time, like a guy, guy.
Meanwhile, I’m singing songs, doing funny voices, laughing at people eating poop.
It’s like, how am I survived?
Like, how is this acceptable?
You know what I mean?
Like, this is not how people typically survive and go through life, you know?
It’s very odd.
All right, next caller here is…
Okay, Tim Henson, this has been happening from time to time.
And well, today is, like, November 29th, so I’m figuring you’re probably not going to play this until about January 15th.
Oh, you think, right?
January 15th.
Add a couple of months to that.
Sorry.
I’m listening to Surprised Breast Inplants and a Butched Butt Lift.
That episode dated November 26th.
And at 639, there is a commercial.
We’re at that part of the year.
You guys remember back in November, there was a sponsor that popped up and was ruining everyone’s listening experience?
From some other source plugged in.
Yeah, a little podcast hijacking me.
By the way, running that ad and ruining your listening experience was totally worth it.
I think I made like $40 from that ad.
It’s a commercial for some other podcast or something.
I understand this is not a sideshow exclusive episode, but since when do you plug other people’s commercials in like that?
I mean, it’s not an ad read.
Anyway.
Yeah, it was annoying.
I’m just wondering about that.
Well, you may recall prior to that, it was a real advertisement for some Dragon Ball Z game, which I was fine with it.
The reason why I was fine with that one is because I think it aired at the very beginning of the show.
It didn’t interrupt the flow, that very important flow of the show.
I think in the future, because I do have the ability to turn that off, I think I’ll just only accept pre-roll ads and not ones that pop up in the middle of the show.
Although sometimes they pay more.
But again, I’m not making much, if anything, with those ads every once in a while.
But yeah, I’ve turned them off for right now.
What up, baby?
Hey, I just want to let you know, although of course you won’t hear this, and by the time you do hear it, I’m sure you’ll know about it, but there’s a documentary on HBO that’s relatively new about a woman who calls herself Mother God or some shit.
Yeah, I did hear about that from several freaks, and I have yet to watch that documentary.
I played a clip of her God, I gotta get to that.
yelling about chicken pox instead of just watching the Golden Girls over and over.
She’s just a drunk fucking retarded idiot.
Anyway, it’s a three-part series on HBO, I think it’s called.
I just love what they did to her after she died.
Like, it’s this cult.
You know, we played clips from them when she was alive, actually.
We covered them.
But yeah, so the leader of this cult, this woman, finally died.
You know, she was very sick, and they just, they left her in her bed to rot.
The one thing they did do for her, though, is like string Christmas lights.
Like she was a tree or something.
So she was all lit up, decaying.
And that’s what you want, you know.
With a dead body, you really want to warm up that decomposing flesh with, you know, a bunch of light bulbs strung around him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Long time listener, long time Sideshow Freak here.
Why are you letting them put those damn commercials in the Sideshow Freak podcast?
Well, again, okay, I don’t want to rehash all of this, but the ads weren’t appearing on the Sideshow Exclusive episodes.
It was the free episodes that everyone gets, and it’s the same thing that Sideshow members get.
But yes, no more of those.
This is really the downside for me.
When I’m so behind on these voicemails, I have to relive all of this goddamn nightmare.
A Chevy of moral indifference.
And I’ve probably addressed this already, because I am not a Patreon.
Oh, no.
If this has anything to do with commercials, I don’t want to hear it.
I have a feeling it is about the commercials, yeah.
I am not a Patreon.
It’s going to be February, maybe March, by the time you get this voicemail.
Some of the recent episodes, they’ve got a commercial in them.
And I know you had some commercials before the program.
But somebody is like right in the middle of you talking about news stories and shit.
It’s really pissing me off.
I’m not going to subscribe to Planet Visionaries or whatever the fuck that podcast was.
Planet Visionaries.
Just interrupted my sweet, sweet Timmy Boop.
You need to figure that out.
I give you money.
I’ll give you more.
Oh, if you give me more money, I’ll make sure there’s no ads ever.
Yeah, so again, just to put a bow on this topic, I’m definitely going to turn off the mid-roll ads because the company that’s placing the ads in the middle of the show, they just do it all willy-nilly.
They don’t find a good spot.
I think it’s done automatically.
They just probably find the exact middle of the episode.
Even if I’m in the middle of a fucking word, it will just cut me off.
So again, in the future, we’ll just do commercials.
I’ll approve commercials for the very beginning of the show before I say anything.
Better yet, if you do run a large multinational corporation and you would like to spend oodles of money on commercials, I would be happy to do some live reads.
And I’ll do those anytime.
If you contact me directly and you back up the Brinks truck or whatever, give me that sweet cash money, I will do an ad wherever you want me to.
I’ll turn the whole episode of DV into an ad, and I have no morals.
Cigarette companies, call me.
I could figure out some sly way to advertise your product to underage kids.
I’ll be real hush-hush about it.
I ain’t snitching to anyone.
All right, thank you everyone for all the voicemails.
Keep them coming.
That’s all the time we have on this edition of the show.
I want you guys to email me, showatdistortedview.com.
distortedview.com is our official website.
Voicemail line for you, 206-666-4463.
That’s 206-666-oh-god-is-it-oh-god.
What the heck are we doing?
Spread the distortion, STD.
Tell all your friends about the show.
Don’t forget to give us a five-star rating, a thumbs up, or like wherever you can rate and review podcasts.
I will see you back tomorrow for the Wednesday program, if and only if you’re Sideshow members.
Otherwise, I’ll see you back on Thursday.
Until then, have a great day.
Black people matter.
Yeah, black people matter.
This has been another excellent podcast from the Scrod Media Group.
