On Today’s Show:
Thanks to today’s sponsor, longtime freak Alirio, we’re finally tackling the massive backlog of DV voicemails — and we’re starting all the way back in 2017. Yes, Tim chokes on mucus, dredges up ancient listener messages, resurrects dead callers, goes off on a Tourette’s documentary detour, and somehow still barely gets through five voicemails in 42 minutes. A Distorted View holiday miracle.
🎧 Episode Highlights
💽 Opening Track: “Twerking Sandwich”
Tim kicks things off with an original musical ode to giant asses, Type 2 diabetes queens, sumo-level booty physics, and artisanal twerkwich construction. Stretch marks the spot.
📞 The Great Voicemail Clean-Out Begins
The Oldest Voicemail in the Archive (circa 2015–2016)
Tim digs up voicemail #1 from Sancho Freak LeBaron, recorded during the switch from the old free voicemail service to what would eventually become the venerable Oh God Hotline.
• Why the number spells OH GOD
• Why we almost lost it
• Why Tim still clings to voicemails like a Depression-era grandmother with canned peaches
📼 Lost & Forgotten Calls From Years Past
Stacy in D.C. Asks:
“Who the hell are you talking to when you record? Who do you picture?”
Tim gives a disturbingly honest look into his childhood spent pretending to be a radio DJ while other kids were learning to socialize.
Haley’s Comet (2017)
A missing Patreon call resurfaces, discussing vasectomies, bruised nuts, and icing the balls every few hours. Did he ever actually get snipped? The mystery continues.
Love Lady Cat Lady (2019)
An unearthed, unplayed birthday message from the now-departed DV legend. Tim mourns, jokes, mourns again, and wonders if skipping her call is what ultimately killed her. (It didn’t. Probably.)
📛 Modern(ish) Voicemails Tim Finally Got To
Tourette’s Camp Deep Dive
A caller talks about real-life Tourette’s kids with unfiltered speech, setting Tim off on a tangent about UK “Tourette’s Camp” documentaries, tick avalanches, and why so many teens with Tourette’s scream the N-word at black strangers in public. (Hint: neurological hellscape.)
Is Lord Douche Actually Rodder Pei?
Yes, the conspiracy resurfaces.
No, it has not gotten any less insane.
Tim is still neither Lord Douche nor Rodder Pay — but Rodder Pay does have buttery-smooth asshole medication requests.
⚖️ Court Fashion, Murder Daddies & Luigi Mangione
A listener explains why defendants should be allowed to dress nice in court. Tim pitches the Luigi Mangione erotic fan-fic assignment for Sextastic Tuesday and warns freaks he will put the best entries in his spank bank.
🐖 Spiral Hamfucker Sings “God Bless the USA”
Tim tries (and fails) to top Spiral Hamfucker’s patriotic screeching, instead doing a full Lee Greenwood meltdown and even dropping in some “Teen Witch”–era Top That energy.
🍔 Pet Peeves of the Freaks
From short kings who hate armrests to people furious about fat girls on theme-park rides, Tim discovers that DV listeners have deranged obsessions, and none of them are normal.
👻 Charlie Kirk Calls From Beyond the Grave
He’s dead, he’s angry, he hates how Tim pluralizes bidet, and he thinks ordering tea at Starbucks makes you a “careless fairy.” So basically, Charlie Kirk.
🧼 Lord Douche vs. Hot Water: The Dishwashing War
Tim confirms the long-running feud:
• Tim insists hot water is required to melt grease
• Lord Douche uses cold water like a psychopath
• Neither will ever budge
• Domestic bliss continues
📣 The Voicemail Plea
If you want more voicemail shows, CALL IN.
Tim needs ammunition:
📞 206-666-4463
💲 Patreon freaks get the priority hotline.
💦 Text nudes or filth to the 4-HAIRY-CUNT SMS line.
🎙️ End-of-Show Business
• No show Thursday for Thanksgiving
• Friday: Sideshow-exclusive episode
• Free listeners get a Best Of
• DV Store Black Friday announcements coming
• Leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Podcast Addict for a chance to be read on-air
• Send physical garbage to:
PO Box 36268, Cincinnati, OH 45236
• Join the DV Discord through the invite link at distortedview.com
Our New PO Box Address!
Distorted View
PO Box 36268
Cincinnati, OH 45236
- Call In To The Voicemail Line: 206-666-4463
- Support Distorted View – Check out our Patreon page
- Get Exclusive Episodes Every Week – Become A Member Of The Distorted View Sideshow!
Podcast: Download
Transcript (AI – May Contain Errors)
Tim Henson
Hey freaks, it’s Wednesday, November 26, 2025 Coming up on the program today Thanks to a DV listener who sponsored today’s episode We’re finally going to work through the backlog of voicemails And we will begin with Unplayed Calls from 2017 All coming up today
Speaker 2
You know when you’re at the club and you see two big booties? You want to stick your hand in between them Make ’em twerk. It’s kinda like a sandwich. A twerk it sandwich. Aw, let them games begin. I see them waddling in double guts, bubble butts, rubbery-flubbery blobs of skin. You’re almost too fat to get into the club. Put my head between your buns, pounds of mounds, shaking round like jowls on a bloodhound. Drop it like a guillotine, your booties get the floor clean. Dump it like a dump truck Whip that bump Dunk a dunk Ladies, you’re fatter than a hippopotamus Girls, we beg you Whip that ass on us Put my head between your buns Go ahead and snack it Go big girl, go big girl, go Make me a twerking sandwich Put my head between your buns Go ahead and snack it
Speaker 3
Go big girl, go big girl, go Make me a twerking sandwich Put that ass, put that ass, put that ass, put that ass. Your booty is bigger than my caravan. You got more roles than the Michelin Man. You the champ of fat. You deserve some Wheaties. I like my women with type 2 diabetes. Blubber flying around like sumo’s fighting.
Tim Henson
My head knocked around like you was Mike Tyson. Slam in my head like I’m in a NASCAR.
Speaker 3
Hip smack, whip lash like them bumper cars. Ladies got back, including back fat. You so fat you got couch lines on your ass.
Speaker 2
Put my head between your buns. Go ahead and smack it. Go big girl, go big girl, go. Make me a twerker sandwich. Put my head between your buns. Go ahead and smack it. Go big girl, go big girl, go. Pick me a twerking sandwich Roly poly honeys Got padding like goalies Barely moving round like You as them bonies Boopa paratroopers Shake them poopers Jangle and dangle that rear Until I’m in a stupor Shake it, break it, work it, twerk it Till I’m in a world of hurting Shake it, break it, work it, twerk it Till I’m in a world of hurting
Tim Henson
bologna check mayonnaise check pickles check sauerkraut check it’s like a masterpiece a piece of ass
Speaker 3
put my head between your buns go ahead and smack it go big girl go big girl go make me a dragon
Speaker 2
sandwich put my head between your buns go ahead and smack it go big girl go big girl go Make me a twerkish sandwich.
Speaker 3
Make me a twerkish sandwich.
Speaker 2
Make me a twerkish sandwich. Aw, ladies, you work it so good. Stretch marks the spot.
Rod Herpe (Announcer)
It’s Distorted View Daily, sponsored by Davey Listener, Elyrio.
Speaker 5
Are you on the internet? Isn’t that for techno geeks with spreadsheets?
Speaker 3
I know the vacuum cleaner man. He’s seen my tits.
Speaker 6
Milky. Milky.
Tim Henson
Yes, Demented back here with you for your Thanksgiving Eve episode of DV. Today’s show is going to be a little different, and that’s all thanks to our sponsor, Illyrio. Illyrio. Illyrio. The hell was that? Today’s episode is going to be a little different because I’m going to choke on my own mucus. Sorry, I just ate. I’m phlegmy lest anyone think that just because I lost a little bit of weight I’m now healthy no no no I’m still probably going to die relatively soon that is not the voice of a healthy person Illyrio yikes right anyway Illyrio like a lot of you freaks are just sick and tired of me being so behind on the voicemails in the past we would do the occasional voicemail show where I try to clear out a large portion of calls. I’ve become so paranoid, though, that I’ll run out of phone calls, that I won’t have anything to play at the end of the show. I like to keep a stockpile. It’s not healthy. So Illyrio is trying to help me out. He’s like, look, he actually wants, he paid for two voicemail shows. I don’t know if I have enough voicemails for two voicemail shows. Maybe. It all depends on how many I get through You know me Sometimes it’ll take 5-10 minutes to get through one call Because I gotta add my fucking two cents Start ranting and raving The point is, today’s episode is a voicemail show It’s actually the perfect time It’s the day before Thanksgiving I don’t even know if anyone’s listening to podcasts right now Plus I’m trying to get the Distorted View store up and running So just playing some voicemails And making fun of my listeners is an easy way to get out of podcasts so I can get back to working on the store. So here we go. Welcome to the Distorted View voicemail show for 2025. What I tend to do with these things first is I go back in my massive archive of voicemails. I never delete voicemails, by the way. So if you’ve called into the show, chances are I still have your message. I can pull up at any time. I used to use a free service and then back in 20, I think 2015 or 2016, that free service ended. So I had to transfer that, uh, Oh God voicemail line to a new service. So starting in 2016, I have all your voicemails. As a matter of fact, just for shits and gigs, I went back, um, and I found the very first voicemail that I have, right? There’s 40, over 4,800 voicemails I have saved. Wouldn’t that be an awesome test of patience? Just one day. I don’t even comment on anything. I just play all of the voicemails I ever received back to back. Anyway, just for funsies, I thought, let’s play the very first call that I have saved. And this is that call. Let’s see how bad it is.
Speaker 7
Hey, Jacob, Sancho Freak LeBaron. A, I’m excited.
Tim Henson
LeBaron, who I think still listens to the show.
Speaker 7
Hey, Jacob, Sancho Freak LeBaron. A, I’m excited to have the, you have the Oh God hotline down at that.
Tim Henson
Yeah, there was a few days, I think, where the Oh God voicemail line was down. I didn’t think we’d be able to keep that phone number, as a matter of fact, because like I said, that number originally was part of a free service. I had no real claim to that phone number. As a matter of fact, when you signed up for this service, there was just like a limited number of phone numbers you could choose from. That’s why we went with, oh, God, a lot of people wonder, like, why did you pick that word to spell out? Oh, I didn’t pick it out. It was like what was available just happened that one of these phone numbers available actually spelled something out. And it was it was, oh, God, that’s why we have the oh, God, voicemail line. Look, it’s no for Harry cunt. That’s for sure. But it’s worked out nicely for us all these years. And so back in 2015 or 2016, I was kind of sad thinking we might lose that phone number. So I was I was happy that we were able to save it.
Speaker 7
So that’s exciting. And B, I just wanted to call. I wanted to call because Kathleen Fiorina is singing your fucking song. I’m so happy we should see you or whatever.
Tim Henson
So I remember exactly what LeBaron is talking about here. The person he’s referring to is Carly Fiorina. Many years ago, Ted Cruz was running for president of the United States. and Carly was going to be his running mate. Now, Carly used to be the president of Hewlett-Packard, you know, HP. On one of her campaign stops, she was talking about Ted Cruz’s children and apparently that made her sing a song.
Speaker 5
Around the country and I’ve come to know Ted and Heidi and Caroline and Catherine. I know two girls that I just adore. I’m so happy I can see them more.
Tim Henson
A very weird moment on the campaign trail.
Speaker 5
Because we travel on the bus all day. We get to play.
Tim Henson
That could have been our vice president of the United States.
Speaker 5
So happy we could see your boy.
Tim Henson
Not a bad impression of her, LeBaron.
Speaker 7
You know what she sounds like? She sounds like the mall walker when she was singing that fucking song. I love to walk the mall around.
Tim Henson
Also a good impression of the mall walker. We played this many, many years ago on the show. There’s a woman who got her workout. A lot of people do this now. Old people. They go, you know, they just walk around the mall. This woman sings a song while she does it.
Speaker 8
I am a happy walker girl. I love to hike the malls. And as I go, I love to stop.
Tim Henson
If anything deserves the AI treatment, it’s this song.
Speaker 9
I am a happy walker girl. I love to hike the malls. And as I go, I love to stock and shop and shop and shop Velvoree, Velvera I love to stock and shop
Tim Henson
that really is how the mall walker song went velvary velvary velvary
Speaker 8
velvary you have a lot of lung power velvary Belbra Belbra Belbra I love to stop and shop
Tim Henson
Fucking psychopath. That was a fun little stroll down memory lane, the oldest voicemail I have in my system. The other thing I do like to do on these voicemail shows is go back and see if I’ve missed any. Sometimes I will accidentally skip past one, and then after playing a bunch calls. I’ll, you know, I just forget to go back. There were a few missed calls that I was able to locate. One is from last year. I apologize profusely for this, but now is your time to shine, sir. You act like you’re doing the right
Speaker 10
thing by asking the Freeside people how they feel about mead and should we have a
Tim Henson
summer free from mead? Yeah, we were talking. This wasn’t even this year. Yeah, this was back in 2024. We were messing around with the idea of just not talking about Mead for a few months.
Speaker 10
Why fucking bother? Because the summer is going to be long gone by the time this voicemail is heard.
Tim Henson
Not only is the summer gone, two summers have passed. An entire year is gone. Hear my opinion. Yeah, your opinion doesn’t matter.
Speaker 10
So unless I’m paying you $5 a month, my opinion doesn’t matter?
Tim Henson
Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m saying. You crazy motherfucker. Love you, Timmy Boo. I love you too. Before we get into more modern phone calls, messages that were left in the 2020s, I did want to acknowledge our Patreon line. I do much better when it comes to playing all of those calls in a timely fashion. However, as I scrolled back year after year, I did notice a few that I missed from the Patreon line as well. So these calls are from 2017. This is probably not what Illyrio had in mind when he was like, I want a voicemail show. All right, we’re going to play 10-year-old calls. I’m not really sure what happened here. There were two calls in a row that I missed, starting with… Hey, Tim, here’s a comic calling up. Is this real? That doesn’t even sound like Haley’s comment. Haley’s comment calling up.
Speaker 3
The sleep is no on the father. As much as I love my kids,
Tim Henson
I’m really looking forward to getting that vasectomy in a couple days. Oh, Haley’s comment was getting a vasectomy.
Speaker 11
I’ll talk to you guys soon. I’ll keep you updated. I’m told there’s supposed to be a lot of bruising in black and blue and supposed to be icing certain parts of my body every few hours.
Tim Henson
About 12 hours after the procedure. Should be fun. Hey, Elise, comment, was that really you? And did you get a vasectomy? The other call I missed was Stacy in D.C., who I believe is also still listening to the show.
Speaker 12
Hi, Tim, it’s Stacy in D.C. I am listening to a whole bunch of other podcasts. I’ve got a whole archive of stuff to listen to here.
Tim Henson
Hey, I’ve got a whole archive of voicemails.
Speaker 12
I wonder, as you’re talking to people, who do you envision in your mind? How are you, like, thinking of… It sounds like you’re having a conversation, But I realize you must be just talking Who are you talking to? How do you think of it In your mind as you’re recording?
Tim Henson
Oh, as I’m recording the show? I guess it is a little Different because Most podcasts are Two people having a conversation or An interview show. I’m a solo Podcast. I’m talking to you I do feel like I’m talking to Someone, but I don’t Picture anyone Like when I’m Right now I’m not picturing what you must look like Or what a standard DV listener looks like. It’s just, I’m just talking at you, I guess. I’ve done it for so long, it doesn’t seem weird to me, but I know a lot of people who start podcasting say that it’s just so unnatural to just speak into a microphone and not really be talking to anyone. It’s just something when you do it long enough, it just feels more natural, I guess. Also, it helped that growing up, I didn’t have a lot of friends. I’ve actually been talking to myself for a very long time, way before this podcast started. It’s another reason this felt so natural. When I was growing up, I wanted to be a radio DJ. I would sit with a stereo and a tape recorder and I’d be playing music and pretending to be a DJ talking over, introducing the songs and stuff and then doing weather reports. This is how I passed my time while kids were outside playing football and learning how to socialize. I never acquired those abilities. That’s why this just feels so right doing what I do. Well, thank you very much, Stacy in DC. Oh, there was one more call, like an ancient call I wanted to play for you. For some reason, I skipped over this one back in 2019. What a dick I was. Not only was this call from the very lovely now deceased Love Lady Cat Lady. This is what happens when I wait too long to play voicemails. Listeners die. Love Love Lady Cat Lady. This call is from 2019. And not only is she sadly no longer with us, but I think I accidentally skipped over this voicemail. I didn’t do it on purpose, but I think it was her birthday.
Speaker 6
Hey, Timmy Boo. It’s Love Lady Cowie. Happy birthday. I hope you have a good
Tim Henson
one. Oh, she was wishing me a Happy birthday. Okay, that makes me feel a little better.
Speaker 6
Fortunately, I wasn’t able to know the card out before I had to get on a plane and go down to Southern California. You bitch! Just kidding. I know you care. So I’m going to be sending that over the weekend. I apologize.
Tim Henson
When did Love Lady Cat Lady die? Was it 2022 or 2020?
Speaker 6
Make it up to you.
Tim Henson
This is how you made it up to me? by dying. Not cool, Love Lady. Not cool. Obviously, I’m just joking around. Love her. Very nice to hear from Love Lady Cat Lady. I’ve got so many unplayed Love Lady Cat Lady voicemails because again, she’d call in like eight times in a row and I’d only play the most like recent call in the clump. We could probably just feature Love Lady Cat Lady weekly here on the podcast. It’s like she’s not even gone. Her spirit and her long-ass voicemails live on. All right, let’s play some not-so-old voicemails. These are like a month or two months or three months old, but I’m catching up. Jimmy Boo, what it do?
Speaker 7
It’s Jimmy Boo, longtime shy show freak. I’m listening to today’s episode. It is September 2nd, so I figure you’re playing this in about December, January. Close. And you’re talking about Tourette’s and Tix. And I’ve had the fortunate experience of knowing people with Tourette’s.
Tim Henson
Yeah, me too.
Speaker 7
And, I mean, you hit the nail on the head. Most people with Tourette’s do not have the fuck you tic, right? Yeah. But tics are a weird thing. First of all, it’s an neurological disorder, as you probably are aware.
Tim Henson
No, I thought it was sexually transmitted.
Speaker 7
I feel like Haley’s comment today So It’s a neurological disorder And it usually goes hand in hand With a slew of other disorders
Tim Henson
I know a fan That’s true because like the person I know That has Tourette’s is fucked up In a variety of other ways mentally
Speaker 7
That actually has three kids with serious Tourette’s And basically Every single Related side effect Like ADD
Speaker 3
Yeah
Speaker 7
spinal issues, all kinds of stuff. But the reality is, like, one of the kids is she’s, you can’t even tell she has threats most of the time, but when you start talking to her, she has no filter, which is incredibly entertaining when, like, other teenagers her age start having conversations with her and she’ll she’ll go off on them and not even realize it’s being inappropriate
Tim Henson
see I thought like Tourette’s like a mild form of Tourette’s would just be like your eyes twitching or your blink you know what I mean or you kind of like twitch your head a little bit and then of course the more extreme version is the ones where they’re like fuck you fuck bitch you know like that you’re saying though that Tourette’s can also manifest itself in just like a way that she just speaks in an unfiltered way. Like that is also Tourette’s, just being brutally honest.
Speaker 7
It’s not I mean, in that case, it’s not a tick she has. She doesn’t have a tick.
Tim Henson
Maybe that’s some of her other problems, you know? It’s not Tourette’s.
Speaker 7
The mother was describing to me they go to a camp every summer and it’s full of Tourette’s kids.
Tim Henson
Oh, yeah, we’ve played audio from a documentary called Tourette’s Camp. There’s a YouTube channel called the Tourette’s Channel, and I think they have the whole documentary. There’s multiple documentaries on this, but one is called Teenage Tourette’s Camp. I think this one takes place in the UK. Here is one of the campers named Jessica. She’s 15.
Speaker 13
Cannabis.
Tim Henson
She’s screaming cannabis.
Speaker 13
Well, when I see people, I sometimes say what I’m thinking about them, but I don’t mean it kind of thing. Nigga! Nigga! Like that kind of, but I’m not racist.
Tim Henson
Yeah, a lot of white people try to pull that one. I’m not racist. And then she screams the N-word over and over.
Speaker 13
I just can’t help it. And I feel really guilty afterwards.
Speaker 14
Nigga! Yeah. There’s no self-censor mechanism and that’s the problem. And as you know, we all daydream or you’re distracted.
Tim Henson
We all daydream about saying the N-word.
Speaker 14
And you’re just thinking about something else and thoughts will just come flip through your mind.
Tim Henson
That’s Jessica’s mom.
Speaker 14
And then she’ll say whatever it was that just happened to flip through her mind.
Tim Henson
Do it again. Do it again. They then show poor Jessica and her mom walking on a very busy street in the city. There are all sorts of people. White, Asian, uh-oh. There’s black people.
Speaker 13
Sorry. I don’t want to do that. I know you don’t want to, but I think you can’t.
Tim Henson
I know you don’t want to, but still, you’re going to get us killed, bitch. Can’t you cover your mouth when you have those outbursts? Because like the black guy who heard her, oh, his head whipped around real quick. Understandably. The best thing I ever learned about Tourette’s, and it was from one of these documentaries, like when you get more than one Tourette’s person together, when it’s a group of people suffering from Tourette’s, they’ll set one another off. When one starts ticking, the others start ticking as well.
Speaker 15
For the next seven days, they’ll be surrounded by 25 other teenagers who all have the condition.
Speaker 3
Shit! Fuck. What? Fuck. Fuck off, you nigga.
Tim Henson
They should really do a study on why so many people with Tourette’s tick out in this very specific way. Screaming the N-word over and over. Dig it!
Speaker 15
Ticks come and go, and they vary in intensity. Fags!
Speaker 3
Yeah, and then I was saying swear. Did she just tick fags? Fags!
Speaker 16
It was like nigger and stuff.
Tim Henson
Okay, that wasn’t a tick.
Speaker 16
Big words, you know. And I say like fucking camp like that, and I don’t really mean what I say.
Tim Henson
Someone just ticked fatty, directed at a fat person. I’m sorry. I could spend all day watching Tourette’s videos, going down the Tourette’s hole. Are we done with this voicemail? I feel like we’re not playing a lot of voicemails on this voicemail show. Getting sidetracked. Let’s finish up with this Tourette’s call.
Speaker 7
Even she laughs because she’s like, it’s exactly as you imagine it. Can you imagine a camp full of real Tourette’s kids, not these YouTuber kids?
Tim Henson
Yes, I can.
Speaker 7
That are kicking out. And when one kid ticks, the other kid… Yes! …feed off of it. So then you start getting some of the, like, fuck you yells and… Yeah.
Tim Henson
It’s a tick avalanche.
Speaker 7
…and the shit. I asked her to record it, and she wouldn’t do it for me. Because she thought… As funny as she thought it was.
Tim Henson
It’s a little insensitive, yeah. I get where she’s coming from there. But still, it would be great if she would have recorded it. All right, another voicemail here.
Speaker 17
Hey, Teddy Boo, long-time listener, and such a freak beast in here. So I just heard this whole idea that Lord Douche is your announcer guy.
Tim Henson
Yes, for a hot minute, that was a conspiracy theory put forth by a listener of the show.
Rod Herpe (Announcer)
Their evidence was flimsy at best. Come to bed, schnookums. It’s time for your 11 p.m. ass-reaming.
Tim Henson
Not now, Lord Douche. I’m trying to convince them that you’re not Rodder Bay.
Rod Herpe (Announcer)
When you get done, come downstairs. I need help in deciding which butter bell to put out for the winter season.
Tim Henson
All right, I’ll try to speed this along.
Rod Herpe (Announcer)
Mwah, mwah. Your Cuban lover, siding off.
Tim Henson
Okay.
Rod Herpe (Announcer)
Goodbye, Lord Douche. You’re muy caliente.
Tim Henson
Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay. No, no, no, no. You’re muy caliente. I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. I’m sorry. Go on. Yes.
Speaker 17
Do any of these other freaks understand that you are a professional and you have tools at your disposal to, I don’t know, change? your voice or do whatever you want.
Tim Henson
How dare you even insinuate I am Rodder Pay.
Speaker 17
Thoughts on that? Love you, Timmy Boo.
Tim Henson
Almost as ridiculous as Rodder Pay being Lord Douche.
Speaker 17
Even though I’m totally free.
Tim Henson
Rodder Pay is a professional announcer.
Rod Herpe (Announcer)
My bunghole itches, Tim. Will you please apply Preparation H to my stink portal?
Tim Henson
Thank you. That is a buttery smooth voice, isn’t it? Okay, let’s continue on with some more voicemails.
Speaker 18
Hey there, Timmy Boo. On your 813 show, you spoke about a woman that was a defendant in a criminal trial saying how she wanted to be dressed out, not in jail clothes. Yes. And saying how the judge denied her motion. Timmy, you said that she wanted to look pretty and that this was superfluous or…
Tim Henson
I would not use a big word like that. That’s for sure.
Speaker 18
In some way, extravagant. You know, Tim, there is actually a very solid legal line of reasoning where if somebody shows up to court, if they look like an inmate, if they look like a convict, if they dress like a convict, that jurors are going to think, oh, obviously they did it because they’re wearing an orange shirt.
Tim Henson
Yeah, they look guilty, right? They’re dressed like guilty people are dressed. As a matter of fact, you know that guy Luigi Mangione, the guy who killed the health care CEO? He has been appearing in court wearing, you know, prison garb. And I’m pretty sure he was like, look, I don’t have anything else to wear. I need something pretty to wear. Sick of these drab clothes. This was just in the news, like, a couple days ago.
Speaker 19
Our federal judges rule Luigi Mangione must be given civilian clothes. I mean, he looks good in orange. Don’t get me wrong.
Tim Henson
Hubba hubba. All these women who, like, want to fuck Luigi. By the way, have we found any Luigi Mangione erotic fan fiction? That might be a good Sextastic Tuesday option. Freaks, get on that for me. Look for very, very graphic, vile, fetish, Luigi Mangione sex stories. That’s your homework for this weekend, this long Thanksgiving weekend. I’ll either read it on the program for a Sextastic Tuesday, or I’ll put it in my personal spank bag.
Speaker 19
to wear on his next court appearance. He’s due back in court December 1st, and his attorney said he had nothing to wear. Mangione is currently being held in the Metropolitan Detention Center in Brooklyn. The judge ordered the Bureau of Prisons accept several items, including suits, sweaters, pants, and shoes for Mangione to wear when he is brought to court.
Tim Henson
Yeah, women will be creaming over Luigi in a suit, like a nice tailored suit.
Speaker 18
And, you know, Tim, there is some legal argument that say, okay, look, we have the presumption of innocence in this country, and if you have people dressed up like a jailbird, people are probably going to convict them because jurors are stupid, and the only people that serve on juries are people that are unable to be disqualified from juries.
Tim Henson
Yeah, I was dealing with that earlier this year. You remember that? I thought I was going to have to do jury duty, and the second I said I have a podcast and I got loose lips, I can’t help but talk about every fucking thing that happens in my life. They’re like, okay, you’re excused. We don’t want you. Let’s continue on. Next call.
Speaker 20
Hey, Spiral Hamfucker.
Tim Henson
Hey, Spiral Hamfucker checking in. Spiral Hamfucker.
Speaker 3
And my origins are unknown.
Tim Henson
Spiral Hamfucker.
Speaker 3
Look, I’m in LA getting stung.
Tim Henson
Yes, one of the few callers who have their own theme song.
Speaker 20
You know what’s funny about traffic? You’re like, if the cars pile up, there’s like a million cars in front of you. You know you’re not going anywhere. You’re just going to have to, you know, bite the bullet. But if there’s only like three people in front of you, and they’re all dipshits and you can’t get around them, you just lose your fucking mind.
Tim Henson
Yeah, sure.
Speaker 20
I love Tim. I love the distorted view. I love America. I love America more.
Tim Henson
How about that? And I’m proud to be an American where at least I know I’m free. And I won’t forget the man who died and gave that right to me.
Speaker 3
And I gladly stand up next to you and defend her still today. Because there ain’t no doubt about it. Love is land.
Tim Henson
I forgot how the lyrics went there. That’s a tough… Hold on. See if I can nail this. Because there ain’t no doubt about I love this land. What? Those are the lyrics? How do you fit that in? One more time. I guess I don’t know this song as well as I thought I did.
Speaker 3
And I gladly stand up next to you and defend us till today. Because there ain’t no doubt I love this land.
Tim Henson
There it is.
Speaker 3
God bless the USA!
Tim Henson
I think that proves once and for all that I love the USA more than Spiral Hamfucker. Top that. I can sing that song too. From Teen… Supersonic, idiotic, disconnected, not respected.
Speaker 3
Who would ever really want to go and top that? Such a waste of pretty face but hanging in your nowhere space. I wish that you would take a look and really stop that. Top that. Top that.
Tim Henson
Alright, let’s just move on with voicemail for Christ’s sakes. Can’t believe anyone requested a voicemail show. Yes, caller. Okay, I think that’s just a chicken clucking. Seriously, what the fuck are you singing? No one’s going to top that, that’s for sure. Should we give her the AI treatment as well? Look, it’s no Sheree Braventi out now, but the AI tried. He didn’t give it a lot to work with. Okay, next up here.
Speaker 11
Hey, Jim, it’s Rick from Baltimore. How’s it going? Good. You had those fat women on today, and you won’t play this for another couple months, you know, telling other fat bitches what to ride in the amusement parks.
Tim Henson
Yes, plus-sized park hoppers. They recently invaded New York City. The whole island sunk. No, I don’t know. They were there to obviously go to restaurants and they had like this whole montage in the video. Like it was like Sex and the City had the Sex and the City theme song. It obviously infuriated me. The very first and top comment made me laugh though. Have you ever wanted to go to New York City but weren’t sure you’d fit? Obviously making fun of how they start most of their videos.
Speaker 21
Have you been dying to ride Yoshi’s Adventure at Universal’s Epic Universe but you weren’t sure if you’d fit? Hey, everyone. We’re plus-size park hoppers, and we range in sizes from 2X to 5.
Speaker 3
Ah, yes, I need you.
Tim Henson
2X to Jabba. I know, it was too easy. I’m not above that type of lazy humor. Go on, Colin.
Speaker 11
And then you make something that brings up a pet’s peeve of mine. And it’s one of those little things. But I am 5’6″, and now I’m down to about 160 pounds.
Tim Henson
Oh, my little short king is thin and trim.
Speaker 11
I’m going to be down to 140.
Tim Henson
I know, it’s 5’6 short. I’m 6’2, so I’m not saying that to brag, but I honestly don’t know what is considered short for guys. I think 5’6 is pretty normal, right? Or is it 5’8 maybe? I don’t know. 5’10.
Speaker 11
Anyway, I hate chairs at the table with arms. Now, I don’t mind a big-ass… Oh, you hate chairs with arms? Like leather chair, like, or something like that, that you kick in front of a fireplace that has arms, nice, big, comfy.
Tim Henson
One of my favorite things about this podcast, I don’t know, is listening to what upsets people, what people dislike, what their pet peeves are. Because in a million years, I don’t know, like, I never really gave a lot of thought to if I prefer chairs without arms to chairs with arms. specifically when dining, but he’s got some strong opinions about this.
Speaker 11
Anyway, I hate chairs at the table with arms. Now, I don’t like a big-ass, like, leather chair, like, or something like that, that you kick in front of a fireplace that has arms, like big, comfy arms, but a fucking chair, just some shitty-ass chair with arms on them,
Tim Henson
Fuck that Why? Why does that bother you so much? Is it because like you’re Because you’re like you’re cutting You’re talking about like food Like at a kitchen table or dining room table You don’t like chairs with arms Is it because like you need your arms To like I don’t know cut meat And use your forks and stuff And the armrest gets in the way I had a really nice office chair And even that kind of bothered me Okay you don’t like office chairs with arms
Speaker 11
because it had arms. One had been bitten by a big ass dog and the other one was broken off.
Tim Henson
So I got a new office chair myself. It’s actually, this is my first ever gaming chair. I don’t know why I got a gaming chair. I think it was just a good price. I just needed something, right? My chairs keep breaking under my massive weight. I don’t know. The last time I bought it, so I had this really, really nice, expensive office chair and part of, something broke. It’s, I don’t know if it was like the hydraulic part of the chair or whatever. I think I can just get a new one of those, that part, you know, but whatever. Instead, I bought a super cheap office chair off of Amazon, and that lasted me about a year before that broke. And then I needed something really quickly, so I just went to Staples, and they had this gaming chair on sale. And that is a long-winded way to say this gaming chair has arms, but you can flip them up. So you can use the arms, or you don’t have to if you don’t want to. You should look into that, Rick.
Speaker 11
It’s just annoying me. Why? And it’s not because I’m fat, and it’s not because I have any sympathy for those people. But wait, I thought terms for those people were BBW and SSBBW.
Tim Henson
Yeah, when it’s a fetish thing for fat people, that’s what they call themselves, like a BBW. But just like normal fat chicks, I don’t think, call themselves BBW unless it’s to sexualize themselves.
Speaker 11
I don’t know, man, the term is changed. I like my girls on the bigger side, but nothing like those workers. Fuck that. I don’t want a girl who’s like 5’8 and 100 pounds, but I also don’t want someone who’s like 4’10 and 300 pounds. Oof. How would you fuck something like that anyway?
Tim Henson
Those are the two things that really bother Rick. Short, dumpy broads and armrests is two pet peeves. We’re learning so much about our listeners today. Let’s do a couple more here before we call it a day. Timmy Boo, Charlie Kirk here. I’m pretty sure Charlie Kirk has called, like, the ghost of Charlie Kirk has called into the program before.
Speaker 10
Timmy Boo, Charlie Kirk here, calling from beyond the grave.
Tim Henson
Not brave enough to say hell. Okay.
Speaker 10
I just want to say to the freaks who are going to Starbucks and getting my name on their cups.
Tim Henson
Yes. By the way, going to Starbucks to get tea is pretty fucking faggy. I’m sorry. Why would you do that? That’s what the Charlie Kirk thing is, right? It’s like a mint majesty type tea or some bullshit. Like, do you know what they do to make the tea at Starbucks? They literally just, they pour hot water and then they’ve got like a tea bag. It’s the same fucking shit you can buy at the store. At least with the coffee, they’re using like an espresso machine. They’ve got the pumps and the cold foam and the whatnot. The goddamn waste of time going to Starbucks for a tea.
Speaker 10
You know, it’s stupid. You’re doing God’s work. Thank you very much. Also, as a fellow podcaster, I want to say, you know, I respect your work. Thank you, Charlie. And as a careless…
Tim Henson
I also respected your work, Charlie. He was very brave, Charlie Kirk. He really stuck his neck out. Sorry. Again, low-hanging fruit, but Timmy Boo likes to pick them.
Speaker 10
Three, I will pray for your damn soul.
Tim Henson
Oh, that’s right, because I’m a careless fairy.
Speaker 10
I am calling because I was listening to your show, and you said you had not one, but two.
Tim Henson
We’re very big with the deceased. It’s actually my number one demographic.
Speaker 10
But days.
Tim Henson
Yes. Well, the issue that I have is that… Well, we couldn’t let a whole voicemail show go by without mentioning the bidet at least once. All right, let me rewind that for a couple seconds so we can hear what Charlie’s trying to say.
Speaker 10
I am calling because I was listening to your show and you said you had not one but two bidets. Now, the issue that I have is that you’re referring to them as bidets. The correct plural word for bidet is bidet.
Tim Henson
I don’t know if that’s true. Also, how often would one have to refer to multiple bidets? Stupid Charlie Kirk. I’m still very sorry you bidet. So sorry, Charlie Kirk is bidet. So, you know. All right. Okay. Thank you, Charlie Kirk. That was great. Thank you so much. Charlie Kirk calling in from the afterlife to mention my bidet issues.
Speaker 22
Oh, hey, Tim. So I remember an infrequent caller, Popeye Doyle here. Hey, Popeye Doyle. And this is something I can’t get out of my mind for the longest time. There’s a lot of things about Lord Douche that people have talked about. But the thing that really gets me is not Butterbell, although that was a saga, but stuck in my mind is washing dishes with cold water. I remember this came up once.
Tim Henson
Oh, he hates hot water. he yells at me all the time because I take hot showers and it just doesn’t make any sense to me
Speaker 3
yeah thank you
Tim Henson
because no shit
Speaker 22
every time I wash dishes I use hot water
Tim Henson
like it just like okay take a dirty plate right and run it under cold water and then take a dirty plate and run it under hot water see how much see how the food just sort of like the crust melts and it gets cleaner
Speaker 22
when it’s hot. And it kind of melts the grease away. So if you use cold water, you’re just supposed to smear the grease around.
Tim Henson
Lord, did you just say that there’s buildup that happens when you use hot water, like calcium or I don’t know, something, right? In the water, the minerals gets on the dishes, you see, when you use the hot water. I guess. Or something. I don’t know. That being said, that is one of the disagreements that is ongoing. Neither of us are willing to budge on that one. I use hot water. He uses
Speaker 22
cold water. He melts the grease away. So if you use cold water, you’re just supposed to smear the grease around?
Tim Henson
Yeah, that’s right. And then leave it on there?
Speaker 22
Uh-huh. I don’t get it. I’m right there with you. Just getting your thoughts. Did this ever preach a thing later on? Hopefully he
Tim Henson
dropped it. No, no, no. Nothing ever gets resolved like that. it’s a stalemate alright listen alright there we go we did 42 minutes and I think 5 voicemails we’re making progress though I think I’m up to just about October in these calls so you know we’re making some good headway on the backlog of voicemails and you all have Illyrio to thank for that it’s so important though especially if you want another voicemail show to continue to call in I need lots of voicemails I know we’ve got the For Hairy Cunt text line now.
Speaker 3
Spread that ass and show some hole. Sex distorted view. Getting your nudes is the only goal. Shuggle, shuggle. Sex distorted view. For Hairy Cunt. For Hairy Cunt. Text For Hairy Cunt.
Tim Henson
Yes, the For Hairy Cunt line is shiny and new, but I love getting voicemails. Love hearing from you freaks. Our voicemail line is 206-666-4463. If you pledge $5 to our Patreon account, you get access to a special voicemail line where I will play your calls first. Over there, we do not have a three-month backlog, but if we continue to receive lots of voicemails, I think we will do another voicemail show in December. Again, that’s up to you guys, though. If you have something to say, call into the voicemail line. That is it. There will be no show tomorrow. because it is Thanksgiving. Friday, I will be back with a new episode of DV just for Sideshow members. There will be a best of show also on Friday for free listeners. And of course, it’ll be posted on the Sideshow feed. I’ll pop in at the very beginning, probably to announce Black Friday deals and where to go for the distorted view store and all that sort of stuff. But have a great Thanksgiving. If you live here in the United States and you celebrate, I will see you back later this week.
Speaker 3
Until then, have a great day. Bye, everybody.
Rod Herpe (Announcer)
It’s time once again for this week’s featured podcast review. Today’s review comes from Selris, who gives Distorted View five stars and writes, Been a listener since 2008. Tim still finds new ways to make me laugh, cringe, and question humanity. A true media darling. Timmy Boo, what it do. Jugu. Thanks, Selris. Help the show out by reviewing Distorted View on Apple Podcast or Podcast Addict. It could be read on an upcoming episode of DV by yours truly. DV has a post office box. Send all manner of crap to Distorted View, P.O. Box 36268, Cincinnati, Ohio 45236. Hang out with other freaks in the Distorted View daily Discord. Use the Discord link on the main navigation bar at distortedview.com as your invite-in. This is your announcer, Rodder Pei, and this year I’m thankful for morbidly obese women giving me the heads-up on which amusement park rides can comfortably accommodate circus animal-sized human beings. Mi kaboko akaka. Have a happy Thanksgiving, freaks!
Speaker 23
this has been another excellent podcast from the scrub media group
