Turn Those Hemorrhoids Into Hemorrhoidade

May 8, 20265 min read

Tim

7Views

Home
/
Podcasts
/
Turn Those Hemorrhoids Into Hemorrhoidade

Episode Summary

Friday’s show is a beautiful mess of zombie sponsorship theater, Lord Douche treating a water outage like the collapse of civilization, aggressively heterosexual gay porn, subway lunatics, and a Florida man trying to make calls on his shoe. Just a normal week-ending bouquet of rot.

Opening Chaos

Bleached Asshole sponsors the episode and requests a full-on home invasion zombie intro, complete with yelling, biting, and enough confusion to make normal listeners briefly question reality.
Tim floats the idea of doing an entire episode as a zombie for the right price, because apparently the show now has a menu.
Action News 11 helps set the mood with the deeply important civic question of whether Fort Wayne should embrace the majestic name Harry Balls Government Center.

Ongoing Freaks / Updates

Lord Douche experiences a neighborhood water outage as if society has entered its final phase, complete with panic, hoarding logic, empty jug deployment, and emergency field trips to acquire backup water.
A six-to-eight-hour inconvenience somehow becomes proof that civilization is hanging by a thread and only a man with a garage full of containers can save us.
Tim remains maddeningly calm, which only makes Lord Douche spiral harder.

Episode Highlights

Will Blunderfield returns with skid marks, hemorrhoid fingering, and the proud declaration that dirty underwear is somehow peak masculinity.
Will’s online school drama takes a new turn as he channels business frustration directly into butt-based stress relief and renewed entrepreneurial delusion.
A deeply patriotic masturbator tries to bring America back one stroke at a time, screaming campaign slogans and racist filth like a broken campaign ad with lube.
A rage-filled fake-straight dom degrades a cross-dressed guy while struggling heroically to get hard, proving once again that the loudest man in the room is usually losing the fight with his own dick.
A mucus-obsessed throat expert turns a sex clip into a TED Talk on gag reflexes, goblet cells, and slime consistency. Science has gone too far.

Public Freakouts

A subway rider politely asks a guy blasting music from a Bluetooth speaker to turn it down and is rewarded with threats, slurs, and enough screaming to power the entire train line.
The speaker guy somehow believes the man wearing headphones is the rude one, then follows him to keep the tantrum alive because peace was simply not on the schedule.
Tim paints the whole thing like accidental public foreplay between two men who absolutely should not be flirting this way.

️ Distorted News

Florida, of course: a man gets arrested after trying to use his shoe as a phone while cops are literally helping him contact family.
Another Florida genius allegedly flies a drone while drunk because he thinks a random sedan is following him. The phrase attack drone enters the chat.
In New Zealand, a man calmly takes a few final bong rips from a homemade bottle contraption before surrendering to police, because if you’re getting arrested, you might as well leave centered.

Listener Interaction / Voicemails

The For Harry Cunt text line checks in with callbacks about the 0.13 GPA disaster, wine pairings for trash food, and a truly disgusting toenail photo no one should have sent and no one should have seen.
A possible Lord Douche mug lead emerges, though the eternal battle over thickness, tint, and manufacturing origin continues.
Sweet Rectum Ralph mourns the decline of found porn magazines like a man grieving a lost national pastime.
DJC insists that when he says LOL, he actually means laugh out loud, which honestly feels quaint now.
A caller wonders what happens to Mead when his father dies, and the answer sounds like a future financial horror story with home equity paperwork.
Unicorn Hamster, or someone doing a suspiciously convincing impression, calls in to ask about favorite colors by decade after apparently ejaculating all over the place.