Episode Summary

Professor Malevolence unleashes the longest Test of Patience in Distorted View history: more than 20 minutes of chicken tetrazzini, rainbow bread, vampire birds, cow lectures, Christian patty cake and an Alex Jones breakdown stitched into one magnificent psychological injury.

⏳ The Longest Test of Patience Ever

• Tim checks in with a Best Of episode while the new show runs late, reassuring everyone that a fresh serving of depravity is still coming later.
• Professor Malevolence concludes his week of sponsorship requests by resurrecting a Test of Patience originally aired sometime around the early 2010s.
• The replay clocks in at more than 20 minutes, making it less of a segment and more of an involuntary residency.
• Most listeners probably do not remember this ancient masterpiece. Their brains may have deleted it as a protective measure.

Chicken Tetrazzini and Rainbow Bread

• The ordeal begins with increasingly frantic repetitions of chicken tetrazzini and rainbow bread, two foods that should never sound this threatening.
• A childhood confession about chicken-neck genitalia collides with fried chicken, chitlins, hush puppies, watermelon and something described as slimy, crap-tasting poultry.
• Chicken tails, chicken toes and a beast capable of stabbing people in the ass join the menu before anyone can locate an emergency exit.
• Repeated demands to put the chicken down suggest the meal has become violent, emotionally manipulative or both.

A Very Important Presentation for Cows

• A speaker delivers a special online lecture intended specifically for cows, assuming their owners provide monitors inside the stalls or invite them onto the porch.
• The presentation encourages people to appreciate cattle before immediately describing blood extraction, dung soup and urine.
• Kenyan cattle practices somehow become a metaphor for police drilling holes into citizens and drinking their blood like vampire bats.
• The cows presumably regret accepting the video invitation.

Vampire Birds and Repeated Ass Stabbings

• A man is attacked by a vampire bird, sucked to death and repeatedly stabbed in the ass by additional vampire birds.
• The creature repeatedly transforms between bird, bat and badge while demanding blood in a strangely polite voice.
• A Folgers slogan enters the vampire sequence because even supernatural blood loss deserves coffee that is good to the last drop.
• The victim fights back while the remix asks whether anybody honestly thinks he is a fucking vampire.

Miss Patty Cake’s Christian Endurance Trial

• Miss Patty Cake invites children to clap, sing and make God happy with an aggressively cheerful praise song.
• Patty cake, praise days, baby requests and declarations about the devil merge into a children’s ministry broadcast that feels increasingly possessed.
• A paying Sideshow member interrupts to complain that five dollars a month should protect him from this rainbow bread bullshit.
• Repeated cries of Patty Cake continue despite increasingly desperate demands to stop, shut up and preserve what remains of American civilization.
• Political speeches, preacher meltdowns and public outbursts pile together until the nation appears united around one cause: making the song end.

The Great Bread Catastrophe

• Rainbow bread gives way to Grants Farm Bread, country bread and energy-packed Sunbeam Bread.
• Toast becomes tastier, spreads become lovelier and a tired child receives enough sandwich energy to finally ride a horse.
• The horse is optional. The horse urine apparently is not.
• Sunbeam Bread promises zip, zing and enough energy to enjoy life, provided listeners survive the commercial first.
• Kilpatrick Bread then receives its own Patty Cake treatment, restarting the nightmare just as everyone believes the danger has passed.
• A furious caller becomes madder than fish grease while developers, developers, developers invade the remix.

Alex Jones Wants a Picnic

• Alex Jones erupts over dying people, ruined lives and an out-of-control country before revealing several surprisingly modest personal dreams.
• He wants his children to grow up, his future grandchildren to go fishing and his family to enjoy picnics in the Texas Hill Country.
• He also wants a ranch, a couple of horses, time for watercolors, Caribbean scuba diving and vaginal sex with a miniature stallion.
• The quiet fantasy collapses into threats involving concrete, exploding skulls and huge bloody chunks bitten from unnamed enemies.
• Jones insists he merely wants friends and a normal life while screaming that murderous scum have destroyed everything.
• The apocalypse concludes with Awesome God, because no spiritual crisis is complete without wings of power, love and one final Patty Cake reprise.

Symptoms of Exposure

• Possible side effects include uncontrollable bread cravings, suspicion of poultry, fear of children’s ministry performers and hearing “Patty Cake” whenever the room becomes quiet.
• Extended exposure may cause listeners to invite livestock onto the porch, accuse birds of vampirism or begin screaming about developers.
• If “chicken tetrazzini” now sounds like a threat, the Test of Patience worked exactly as intended.

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