Warlocks Are Hanging Piss Bags in the Trees – NEW EPISODE

November 6, 202610 min read

Tim

4Views

Home
/
Podcasts
/
Warlocks Are Hanging Piss Bags in the Trees – NEW EPISODE

Prefer to listen? Play the latest episode below.

Episode Summary

A filthy pop song infects every radio format imaginable, Alex Jones discovers Trump is apparently a Democratic sleeper agent, Katie Souza battles tree-hanging piss warlocks, and a Florida airport passenger turns Gate E6 into a family splash zone.

Test of Patience: I Don’t Know Takes Over Radio

Professor Malevolence closes his sponsorship week by trapping everyone inside the Caldesville radio market, where one obscene song has somehow conquered the entire dial.
I Don’t Know returns as a viral sensation used in explicit TikToks and advertisements for vape pens, pregnancy tests, abortion kits and kitty litter. Finally, one song unites the modern consumer.
The anthem receives pop, country, ska, hard-rock, throat-singing, Spanish-language and allegedly Disney-approved interpretations.
Its lyrics offer milky seed, overheated genitals, brown-stained holes and enough sexual instructions to make regular radio indecency feel quaint.
A Christian station inserts “Jesus” throughout the song, transforming aggressive sodomy into inspirational morning programming.
The finale stretches into Finnish and several more reprises, because repetition is the heart of music and also most psychological torture.

Tim’s Unskippable Oral-Acoustics Workshop

Tim wants the ability to disable listener controls whenever he becomes irritating, creating podcast segments that cannot be paused, skipped or escaped.
He demonstrates his impressive breath control and credits years of cock sucking for the lung capacity.
Listeners looking to improve their oral technique are encouraged to add vocal vibrations while servicing a large penis. Results may vary depending on available mouth space.
A dolphin impression follows, briefly threatening to turn the entire Friday show into an experimental marine-mammal podcast.

️ Midterm Meltdown Theater

The 2026 midterms paint the map with what Tim calls a blue cocky. He would have been equally delighted by a red-wave bloodbath, provided one side cried hard enough afterward.
Gavin McGuinness blames women and young people for election results before demanding respect because he is an elder. Democracy apparently works best when fewer citizens participate.
An initially gracious reaction at an Abbott election event is interrupted by furious staffers shouting slurs. Losing gracefully survives for several seconds.
Alex Jones decides Donald Trump deliberately sabotaged the midterms because he is the ultimate Democratic sleeper agent.
Jones declares himself completely at war with Trump after years of investment, loyalty and increasingly sweaty benefit of the doubt.
The R-word enjoys an unexpected political comeback and may be the only true bipartisan winner of the election.

Katie Souza and the Piss Warlocks

Katie Souza returns after another exhausting season of witches, demons, warlocks and supernatural projectiles aimed directly at her throat.
A group of alleged warlocks supposedly gathers around yard stones and pantomimes throwing them during Katie’s sermon. No rocks physically move, but the spiritual gravel still lands.
Katie claims she felt stones entering her throat before hearing about the miming warlocks, which she treats as definitive proof rather than an exciting new medical symptom.
Another city allegedly contains more than one hundred covens. The evidence includes traffic, close calls and a car unexpectedly hitting its brakes.
A witch attempts to astral-project into a house but retreats after someone threatens to cut her silver cord. Tuesday remains extremely busy at Katie’s place.
Intercessors searching for occult symbols find bags of yellow liquid hanging from trees and identify them as warlock urine used to defile the land.
Tim proposes less supernatural explanations, including bird feeders, nectar bags or ordinary metropolitan piss.
The Bible finally contributes something useful with the phrase “pisseth against the wall.” Scripture goes hard when properly focused.

️ Distorted News

✈️ Florida Man Allegedly Urinates on Airport Family

Lawrence Kai Rabin, 48, allegedly exposes himself and urinates toward a family waiting near Gate E6 at Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport.
Police say the stream strikes a mother and her seven-year-old son while other passengers evacuate the newly established human splash zone.
The incident occurs around 11:30 in the morning inside an airport containing numerous functioning restrooms, making the targeted spray difficult to blame on poor bladder planning.
Rabin was reportedly intoxicated and faces charges involving indecent exposure, battery, disorderly intoxication and a child’s contact with bodily fluids.
Tim considers carrying a spray bottle of urine to discourage strangers from selecting the seat directly beside him. A stern “Git!” completes the system.

⚖️ Fake Chief Justice Scam Costs Family More Than ＄260,000

Jason Taylor, 38, convinces his mother, aunt and uncle that he is helping Chief Justice John Roberts conduct a secret government-corruption investigation.
The previously unemployed Taylor fabricates emails, letters and legal documents supposedly connected to Roberts, prosecutors and Harvard Legal Aid.
His relatives surrender more than ＄260,000 for mysterious “daily deals” while believing their money will be reimbursed when the investigation ends.
Fake correspondence threatens prosecution and imprisonment if they stop cooperating, while an invented gag order prevents them from discussing the operation with outsiders.
The scheme continues as his aunt and uncle nearly lose their home and his mother cries over the family’s collapsing finances.
Investigators believe much of the money went toward drugs, although authorities have not determined where every dollar disappeared.
Taylor receives a prison sentence and is ordered to repay the stolen money. His family may have better odds of receiving a personal check from Chief Justice Roberts.

Viral Tennis-Racket Victim Was Performing a Stunt

A video viewed more than 23 million times appears to show a man trapped inside the narrow frame of a stringless tennis racket.
The performer lies on the ground, slaps the floor and writhes while nearby spectators watch without displaying much concern or urgency.
Viewers imagine firefighters cutting him free. Distorted View listeners naturally assume the racket entered through a more troubling location.
The man is actually a professional contortionist performing at a Nigerian restaurant and pretending to be stuck for dramatic effect.
His acting convinces employees that something has gone wrong, but he simply stands up once the recording stops. No emergency extraction equipment is required.
A Kenyan entertainer has performed the same trick, while Norwegian contortionist Captain Froto has upgraded the act to two rackets.
The clip becomes a meme and an easy Halloween costume for flexible people with sporting equipment and no remaining dignity.

Mead Skelton Demands a Height Correction

Mead Skelton sends another flood of emails after Tim suggests he may be only five feet nine inches tall.
Mead insists he is five feet ten and a half inches barefoot and claims an earlier lower measurement was officially acknowledged as a medical mistake.
He adds that cowboy boots push him above six feet, which is also how stilts make Tim an eight-foot giant.
Mead submits a photo beside a doorframe as evidence, although his feet, distance from the camera and exact relationship to the doorway remain conveniently unclear.
According to Mead, artificial intelligence places him at five feet eleven inches. Tim prompts another AI with the same photo and receives estimates as low as five feet five.
The experiment proves that ChatGPT can estimate any height required by the person writing the question.
Tim promises to bring a tape measure if they ever meet. Once the measuring begins, several other longstanding rumors may finally receive scientific attention.