On Today’s Show:
Distorted View Daily
NSFW comedy podcast • weird news • Florida man crime • electric rectum pain • Sagittarius Shaughty sponge saga
Today’s midweek freak-show is packed with medical misery, bad life choices, and holiday deals:
- 🎁 12 Deals of DV: Hat Day
Tim kicks things off with a limited-time merch deal: get $5 off any hat at shop.distortedview.com with promo code GIVEHEAD (today only). - 🎅 Santa, Hit Me Harder (Listener Message Bit)
A very intense “letter to Santa” turns into full-blown festive BDSM roleplay. Nothing says Christmas like begging St. Nick to beat you purple. - 🧳 Listener Sponsor: Mark’s Big Move & eBay Junk Fest
DV listener Mark is moving out of the country and selling 50 years of accumulated crap on eBay – books, CDs, tech junk, vintage gadgets, even a Palm Pilot and a label printer.- Use promo code Timmyboo for 11% off
- You also get a free creepy family photo
- Link: tinyurl.com/MarksMove (also in the show notes on distortedview.com)
- 💀 “Don’t Stick It in Crazy” – Side Chick Truck Drag Disaster
Tim plays wild footage of a guy cheating with a very unstable side piece who drags him down the road with her truck after he stops calling.- Clinging to the door at highway speed
- Broken ankle in the middle of traffic
- Tim’s advice: if you need variety, hire a professional—don’t risk your limbs on chaotic affair partners.
- 🧽 Sagittarius Shaughty vs. The Sponge (Again)
Our favorite chaotic escort is back with another “sponge stuck in the no-no square” emergency room saga:- Sponge used to block period blood during clients
- Aggressive customer hammers it deeper in
- Multiple failed attempts to fish it out at 3 a.m.
- ER visit filmed for Vlogmas 2026
Plus: body-shaming a client’s tiny equipment, refusing to do anything beyond the bare minimum, and still somehow booking more appointments.
- 🎭 Art Corner: Bruce Nauman’s “Good Boy, Bad Boy”
Tim discovers 1980s performance artist Bruce Nauman and his dual-screen piece “Good Boy, Bad Boy”:- Two actors repeating lines like “I have sex / you have sex / we have sex”
- Lines shifting from neutral to angry to exhausted
- Tim remixes it into “I like to s*** / this is piss” and declares it the perfect DV theme.
- 🚓 Police Bodycam: “You Had to Be a F*ing American”**
A state trooper melts down on a driver who questioned his speeding and tailgating:- Driver has marijuana in the car and still decides to confront the cop
- Cop snaps, cites statutes, stomps the weed container, and rants about the public
- Tim compares it to his own near-disaster with an angry cop in traffic.
- ⚡ Health Segment: Electric Rectum & Lightning Crotch
From London comes the delightful diagnosis of “electric rectum” (aka Proctalgia Fugax) and “lightning bum”:- Sudden electric shock feelings in the back door
- More common than people think, often harmless but terrifying
- Tied to pelvic floor spasms, IBS, infections, and more
- Tim dusts off the legendary Kegel Song and imagines a world where pelvic exercises save your anus.
- 🍳 Florida Man Tries to Kill Mom with a Frying Pan
In peak Florida man fashion, a 53-year-old allegedly tries to murder his 82-year-old mother:- Attacked her with a frying pan, then tried to smother her with pillows
- Claims he was overwhelmed by her early dementia and caregiving needs
- Tim (darkly) riffs on how easy it would be to discreetly kill a dementia patient—and how this guy chose the stupidest possible method.
- ☎️ Voicemails, Texts & Lord Douche Updates
- Texts about urine stem cells and people defending pee-drinkers
- Listener Dion demands timestamps for Unicorn Hamster so he can skip him
- Praise for kitchen renovation updates and pleas for Lord Douche to appear on the show (with voice disguise and conditions)
- Rants about roundabouts, “electric rectum” as a band name, and a throwback to John Ashcroft’s “Let the Eagle Soar.”
- 💸 Support DV & Holiday Sideshow Deals
- Holiday Sideshow sale: monthly, yearly, and lifetime memberships 22–33% off at distortedview.com
- Access to the full archive, past minis, and exclusive episodes
- Patreon: patreon.com/distortedview
- Sponsor an episode for $25 via PayPal to show@distortedview.com
📞 Voicemail & Text Line
Call or text 206-666-4463 (206-66-OH GOD) – or text 4HAIRYCUNT – to share your own weird news, bodily malfunctions, or Florida-level life choices.
Links:
Today’s Listener Sponsor! Check Out Mark’s E-Bay Store
Our New PO Box Address!
Distorted View
PO Box 36268
Cincinnati, OH 45236
- Call In To The Voicemail Line: 206-666-4463
- Support Distorted View – Check out our Patreon page
- Get Exclusive Episodes Every Week – Become A Member Of The Distorted View Sideshow!
Podcast: Download
AI Transcript (There Will Be Errors)
Timmyboo
It’s the 12 deals of Distorted View Daily. Today’s a good one. Go to shop.distortedview.com. Pick out a hat. Any hat. Baseball cap. Winter beanie. Whatever. Use promo code GIVEHEAD. All one word. And get $5 off. That’s right. $5 off any hat. Today only at shop.distortedview.com. Promo code GIVEHEAD. Hey freaks, it’s Wednesday, December 10th, 2025 Coming up on the program today Coming to a concert venue near you The electric rectum Plus, what did Sagittarius Chowdy get stuck up her vagina this week? Knocking some sense back into your mom with a frying pan And I piss, you piss, we all piss, it’s piss! Distorted View Daily Proudly presents A message to Santa Claus
Unknown
hit me. I don’t want you to hit on me with some stupid cheesy pickup line. I want you to hit me. I want for you to use your hands and punch me until I can’t feel it anymore. Let my skin turn purple as you use your stinky big, hairy, meaty and put them around me. I wanna feel like I’m hated so much for feeling loved. I wanna feel like… I wanna be hurt. Spank me! Spank me, Santa. I’ve been a naughty girl. It’s Distorted View Daily, sponsored by TV listener Mark. I’m going to lose my mind today. Try new peanut butter AIDS. They don’t know what the fuck they’re doing. Full bloom AIDS.
Timmyboo
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Beta man. Yes, everybody. Tim Henson back here with you for your midweek program. Got a great one for you today. I have been routinely surprised by you freaks in regards to the listener sponsorships. Specifically, I’m impressed by how varied the sponsorships have been. You guys have come up with a lot of interesting ways and reasons to fork over $25 to sponsor DV. Today is another great example. Rod or pay, why don’t you tell us a little more?
Unknown
Yes, today’s sponsor is Mark, who writes, I’m planning a big move out of the country, so I’m selling almost all of my belongings on eBay. I’ve accumulated crap for 50 years since childhood, as well as stuff I’ve inherited from my mother. You and your listeners can treat yourselves to all sorts of junk from someone getting ready to retire to be a mere dead.
Timmyboo
Hold on, I don’t mean to cut you off, Rod, but actually, Mark says, I’ve accumulated crap for 50 years since childhood, as well as stuff inherited from my mother. And then he says to me, get your mom to sell her junk ahead of time. Now, when Mark says ahead of time, he means like ahead of her death. First of all, how dare you? She will outlive us all. But like, I don’t want to have that conversation with my mom. It’s a weird thing to say. Like, look, your death is going to be a huge burden on us all. We’re going to have to go through all your shit and get rid of it. Can’t you just sell it all now while you’re alive? You know, in preparation of your death, in anticipation of your death. I don’t know. I don’t want to have that conversation with my mom. She’s already been through so much this year. You know what? If worse comes to worse, I will suck it up and I will personally auction off all of her little angel figurines, decorative candles, and old lady nightgowns. I’ll eBay that shit, donate it to Salvation Army, throw it away, whatever. Please just let my mom enjoy her shit while she’s alive. sell off all of her belongings. It’d be so funny if I made her do that and she had nothing in her apartment. We’re going to get rid of the couch, the TV, kitchen table. I’ll give you a folding chair. You can just sit and stare at the wall. Someone offered me 50 bucks for your entire bedroom set. That shit’s going. Don’t worry. I laid you out some newspaper. You can crumple it up. Lay in a bed of that shit. Also, I won’t be inconvenienced for a few hours after you die. Anyway, Mark has set up an eBay store selling all of his crap, and he wants to give you freaks first dibs. Books, CDs, computer stuff like external DVD drives, a Palm Pilot that may or may not work, a Bluetooth shipping label printer, old records. Best of all, Mark even has a promo code. He’s learned from the best. Use promo code Timmyboo for 11% off, and he’s going to throw in an old family photo. The creepiest ones go first. So act now. Check out Mark’s eBay listing. There’s like, I don’t know, I think like 16 or 17 pages full of stuff. I’ll provide a link on the show notes today, but the address is tinyurl.com slash MarksMove. Check it out. Use promo code Timmyboo. You’ll grab 11% off your order and, of course, that creepy family photo. Thank you so much, Mark, for sponsoring today’s episode of DV. All right. I’ve got some great audio to share with you today. I have heard time and time again that crazy broads are the best lays. They’re amazing. They’re wild in bed. You got to think long and hard, though, if you really want to get involved with them, because, as their name implies, they can be a lot of work. And, quite frankly, dangerous. Not every guy is built to deal with crazy broads, even if the sex is mind-blowing. Even more dangerous is when the crazy you’re sticking your dick in isn’t the main pussy, the pussy you call home. Yes, when you have an affair with a crazy woman, you are straight up playing with fire. Unfortunately for many men in this scenario, they are the moths and they are drawn to this fire. They can’t help themselves but fuck crazy. And for a while, oh, I’m sure it’s pure bliss. You got the best of both worlds. You’ve got your comfort pussy, the pussy that feels like home. But you also got that new strange pussy. And it’s a little dangerous, right? Inevitably, though, when it comes to crazy side pieces, the fun doesn’t last forever. I’ve got a perfect example here. We’ve got a guy who’s been fucking around on the side. He hasn’t called her, though, in a while. Maybe he decided to stop cheating. Maybe he’s just taking a break. Maybe he just didn’t have the opportunity to call her. Regardless, she pissed and she’s following him around in her truck. And things get worse from there. She’s still following me. She out at it again.
Unknown
It’s ridiculous. She back at it again. Look, she back at it again. Why are you following me? Why are you following me? This is crazy. Why do you keep fucking with me? I’m not good. Mary, you’ve been at your house for the past weekend. What does that mean? Mary, you just…
Timmyboo
Now, you’re starting to hear some commotion here. That’s where the video really picks up. Let me try to explain. The man is at the passenger side door. I don’t know if he tried to get in or he simply was leaning over into her car, maybe trying to grab her phone. Regardless, she takes off. She puts the pedal to the metal. He’s still on the outside of the truck, but at least a part of him is inside. And so he’s sort of being dragged along for the ride.
Unknown
Oh my God. Dude, what the fuck are you about to kill me?
Timmyboo
Uh-huh. That is a distinct possibility. That is on the menu. Now, when I say she’s driving away, she’s really, I mean, you can hear she’s going fast. They both want to be left alone. She’s screaming to be left alone. He’s screaming to be left alone. They just can not be left alone. They can’t seem to quit one another though. He can’t quit her because if he lets go, he is going to crack his head on pavement going 50 miles an hour. He needs her right now.
Unknown
You are about to fucking kill me. You about to kill! You about to kill! You about to kill! Stop! Stop! Oh my God! Oh my God!
Timmyboo
Now for Whatever Reason, He’s about to Let Go. I think he Just Wants to Get Away from Her That Badly. I think he Just Wants to Let Go. It Hurts. You Can Tell, It Hurts Him Very Bad, But I Think He Made The Right Choice.
Unknown
Oh my God! Stop, She Got To Kill Me! She tried to beat me out! She Got To Kill Me! Oh my God! Kill! Stop!
Timmyboo
Oh, And… He Has Disembarked.
Unknown
Oh my God! Oh my God! Why? Why is he? Oh my God! Jesus! Please God, in the name of Jesus! Help me!
Timmyboo
Looks like he’s been tossed in the middle of the road. Cars are having to avoid him. Help me!
Unknown
In the name of Jesus!
Timmyboo
Please God! Oh yeah, look. He totally… Finally, I can see something. For a lot of the video, it’s just a blur. But he totally broke his ankle. Please, God. God’s not going to help you. This is the ultimate price you pay for sticking your dick in crazy. If you wanted some variety in pussy, there are safer ways to go. Hire a prostitute. Yeah, there’s more upfront cost. In the long run, though, I think you’re saving. I mean, now you got to go to the emergency room. They’ve got to put your foot back on your leg. That’s going to cost a pretty penny. Plus, you know, prostitutes are more discreet. As long as you pay, they’re not going to follow you around. They’re not going to threaten to rat you out to your girlfriend, you know? And this is why people seek out the professional services of people like Sagittarius Shaori. After you leave her place, she wants nothing to do with you. When you’re there, she barely wants anything to do with you. I just happened to have some new audio from Sag, who once again got something stuck in her vag. It rhymes and it’s true. Come with me as I go to the emergency room so the doctor can fish out a sponge. This happens, I don’t know, three or four times a year, it seems. Distortive View is always there to cover the story.
Unknown
So get ready with me to go to the ER because SpongeBob is stuck again.
Timmyboo
What a way to kick off Vlogmas 2026. Yes, Sagittarius will be producing videos all holiday season long. And she’s starting the season off with quite the banger. Now, this is a one hour video. And she alludes to the sponge early on.
Unknown
But yeah, and I have to sponge it, unfortunately, because my period’s heavy.
Timmyboo
Yeah, so she’s hooking or prostituting, whatever you want to call it, working. Uh, so she’s got to put the sponge in to keep the blood in. Sop that up. You know, clients don’t like to see that on their penis.
Unknown
So yeah, I’m gonna have to sponge it. And I usually, honestly, I stopped even.
Timmyboo
Yeah, even she knows she should not be putting this sponge up there because every single fucking time she gets it stuck.
Unknown
But if I’m too heavy, I can’t do that. Um, and unfortunately I do see it getting stuck and I will probably end up in the ER getting it removed, but we’ll see.
Timmyboo
This is the great thing about socialized medicine or universal health care, whatever you want to call it. She just doesn’t care. She’s like, yeah, I’ll probably wind up in the ER again. People in America would be losing sleep over this. You get a sponge stuck in your twat. That’s a $100,000 medical bill. It will take a lifetime to pay that off. For Sagittarius, it’s no biggie. She’s like, yeah, I’ll go to the ER. They’ll yank out my sponge and then I’ll go get some lunch. No big deal. Well, the real problem with the sponge arose when a client was a little extra aggressive and slamming Sagittarius’s snatch. He had a long enough dong that he kept just like packing that sponge deeper and deeper in.
Unknown
Guys, I literally was having so much trouble shoving the sponge up. And like literally it was still like not in properly. And I tried everything to shove it up.
Timmyboo
Well, her client helped with that.
Unknown
But he was super aggressive. And he kept asking me to scream. He’s like, scream for me. Scream, scream. I’m like, bro, I have neighbors. What do you mean scream? He didn’t say anything about the sponge, though, but he definitely shoved it out more. So now I got to try to take it out. Wish me luck.
Timmyboo
Again, call her clairvoyant. She knows exactly how this is going to go. Not well. The next clip, I believe, is Sagittarius talking about trying to fish out the sponge.
Unknown
Okay, it’s 3.17 a.m. I went to go take out the sponge because it’s been in there for four hours, and I wanted to, like, wash it.
Timmyboo
Yeah, air it out a bit.
Unknown
It’s been in for four hours, so I’m going to take it out, rinse it off, and put it back in. But it’s pretty far up.
Timmyboo
At this point, Sagittarius is still clinging to the hope that, you know, she’ll eventually be able to grasp onto it.
Unknown
And it got shoved up pretty far. I can feel it, which is good news, but I can’t grasp it quite yet. So, yeah, I’m just going to have to wait until I see this guy. He’s going to be in 10 minutes.
Timmyboo
Yet during this whole ordeal, she’s continuing to have these guys come over and fuck her and pound the sponge deeper in her twat canal. Eventually, as you heard at the top of this segment, she decides to go to the ER.
Unknown
So get ready with me to go to the ER because SpongeBob is stuck again. And yeah, this is like the least busy time. And since nothing popping off for work.
Timmyboo
Isn’t that crazy? She’s like, she’s planning her ER visit around her prostitution gigs. Of course, she does film in the hospital.
Unknown
Also, when I came in, I was like, she’s like, what are you here for? I said, I have a sponge in my no-no square. And she said, what? You have what? Where?
Timmyboo
Well, don’t use cute terms when you’re in the emergency room. No-no square. I got a sponge fucked up my pussy real far. That’s what you got to say. She’ll understand that.
Unknown
And there were three people sitting there and I had to say that.
Timmyboo
You’re a prostitute. I didn’t think Sagittarius could get embarrassed.
Unknown
I also kind of have to poo.
Timmyboo
Man, she always has to shit. Big girl problems, right?
Unknown
So when they’re putting the Tango thing up to try to get out the sponge, it’s going to push on my poopy.
Timmyboo
What if I poo myself? She just never prepares properly for these things. She might think twice next time about shoving the sponge so far up her twat because this emergency room was not a quick visit.
Unknown
I think I jinxed it when I said that this hospital was super quick because it’s literally been 40 minutes now.
Timmyboo
I mean, again, compared to America, that’s lightning fast. Anyway, she doesn’t actually film the removal of the sponge.
Unknown
But the sponge was taken out. The nurse was so nice and she was holding my hand.
Timmyboo
Again, for those counting, this is like the fifth time she had to have a sponge yanked out of her cunt hole. I think she filled up a punch card. Next one is free. So that is the most recent sponge saga. As I told you, in between all of this, she was still seeing clients. Here she is bad-mouthing one of them.
Unknown
Okay, so it’s currently 12 a.m. I just seen somebody. I posted at like, I think 10 p.m. last night. but he was this really chonky, like, ginger. I would be real cautious
Timmyboo
about body shaming anyone, Sag.
Unknown
Um, he took off his clothes and he has, like…
Timmyboo
Alright, she’s using her fingers to indicate he had a very tiny penis.
Unknown
Oh, my God. Like, literally, like, I think he’s, like, what I would look like if I was a man. Like, it looks like just, like, a big-ass V-A-G- I-N-A with like a little stump on it and like his balls were like I mean his um his fun bags
Timmyboo
you already said balls right the cat’s out of the bag the cat’s out of the ball bag she does this all the time in her videos like she tries to spell things out she’s afraid of I don’t know being demonetized or something on YouTube but again if you’ve already said the word you don’t have to go back and correct yourself
Unknown
were like
Timmyboo
so his balls were small?
Unknown
sucked in by like all the FAT so like literally what I would look like if I was a man
Timmyboo
well we’ve all wondered what it would be like to fuck ourselves right? enjoy the experience and you know enjoy the money you’re being paid to fuck this man
Unknown
he smelled good and shit so like I don’t know there was no issue
Timmyboo
she goes on to say that you know he only really wanted to use a vibrator on her. Probably because, you know, he can’t use his penis. He wouldn’t be able to get in. That’s gotta be great for Sagittarius because notoriously she hates when guys touch her. The last clip I’m gonna play from Sagittarius’s hour-long live stream is just to showcase her customer service skills. She’s texting with a potential client.
Unknown
He’s gonna text me. He goes, hello, what services are you providing? How much are you asking for?
Timmyboo
That’s lovely.
Unknown
I sent him my rates. He goes.
Timmyboo
Yeah, so she sends off her rates, and he wants to know what services she provides. And she’s like, what do you mean? And he lists out a bunch of different things.
Unknown
B-L-O-W-J-O-B-F-C-X massage. Sucking bobs.
Timmyboo
I think that’s boobs, right? Because she already said blowjob. Sucking boobs. He wants to know if that’s on the table. So far, this is all like, I don’t know. It sounds like standard sex. He’s not asking for anything crazy.
Unknown
F-I-N-G-E-R. Fingering. Meow.
Timmyboo
Pussy.
Unknown
Friction.
Timmyboo
Rubbing.
Unknown
D-I-C-K against. Meow.
Timmyboo
Pussy.
Unknown
And.
Timmyboo
He goes on and he lists a bunch of normal things. This is how Sagittarius responds.
Unknown
How much? I said you’re doing too much. He said meaning. Meaning get the fuck off my phone, bitch. Nobody’s doing all that.
Timmyboo
How is she a successful prostitute? Like, how is this working out for her? Every time I say the same thing, but it blows my mind. She even says, she’s like, I don’t do shit. I just expect to be paid.
Unknown
Girl, I do the bare minimum, okay? If you’re not, like, if you’re not ready for the bare minimum, if you don’t want the bare minimum, if you’re not willing to accept the bare minimum, text somebody else because I’m not doing all that. Massage and laugh dance, girl. Go to the freaking strip club. Like, what the hell?
Timmyboo
Unimplicably, you know, even after she shuts this guy down, you know, or at least all of his requests, he still wants to hook up.
Unknown
Okay, send me address in morning time, I will come.
Timmyboo
She’s booked another client. I wonder if that’s the guy that ended up jamming the sponge deeper in her pussy canal. All right, anyway, there you go. That’s a Sagittarius shouty update. Moving on now. You guys know I’m a sucker for crazy performance art, spoken word poetry, slam poetry. when artists paint with their own shit, they put a crucifix in a jar with piss. I’m there for all of it. I’m a real patron of the arts. This is why I’m so excited to share with you that I have found a new artist. Now, he’s not new per se. He’s new to me. Dude’s like in his 80s now or something. His name is Bruce Nauman. His practice spans a broad range of media, including sculpture, photography, neon, video, drawing, printmaking, and performance. In 1985, he produced a piece called Good Boy, Bad Boy. This piece included two video monitors, two videotape players, and two videotapes. I guess they’re synced up and they’re played at the same time. The recorded media was posted on YouTube a few years ago, so we can all enjoy Good Boy, Bad Boy. Here is a little bit of that. I was a good boy.
Unknown
You were a good boy. We were good boys. That was good
Timmyboo
On the left side of the screen There is a middle-aged woman And on the right side What looks like a slightly younger black guy
Unknown
I was a good girl You were a good girl You were a good girl
Timmyboo
So they’re all, they’re both saying the same things Good
Unknown
I was a bad boy Slightly out of sync You were a bad boy That was bad We were bad boys You were a bad girl We were bad girls.
Timmyboo
I was a bad girl. I just like the guy’s voice. I was a bad girl. I’m a bad girl. Punish me, daddy. Punish me for being a bad girl. This piece goes on for like 17 minutes. Oh, they cover a lot of topics. I love.
Unknown
I have sex. We love. You have sex. This is our love. We have sex. I hate. This is sex. You hate.
Timmyboo
I will say, it’s a lot more fun when you just isolate one of the tapes. For instance, here’s just the woman speaking.
Unknown
I have sex. You have sex. We have sex.
Timmyboo
Sagittarius has sex. But only regular sex. Nothing fancy.
Unknown
This is sex.
Timmyboo
Throughout the performance, she says the same things over and over, but then speeds it up.
Unknown
I have sex. You have sex. We have sex.
Timmyboo
We all scream for sex.
Unknown
This is sex. and then she can say angry you have sex we all have sex this is sex then she’s just fed up i have sex you have sex we have sex it’s almost like she’s acting out various stages of the relationship
Timmyboo
at first it’s like yeah we have sex i have sex you have sex we have sex together and by the end of it she’s like yeah we have sex all right again with this sex you have sex we have sex this is sex it’s more than just sex though isn’t it honey i like to shit you like to shit we like to shit this is shitting now you’re talking i present to you shitting i piss you
Unknown
piss. We piss. This is piss. I know you freaks
Timmyboo
probably want to hear how the guy handles
Unknown
his lines. I like to shit.
Timmyboo
You like to shit. We like to shit. He’s trying to do a little more with it. I don’t know if he has the acting chops to pull this off. It is quite a different reading than the
Unknown
woman’s version. This is good shit. I piss. You piss. We piss. This is piss. That certainly sums up
Timmyboo
Distorted View Daily, huh? This is piss. Real quick, before we get into the news, I’ve got some police body cam footage I wanted to share with you. This is actually a couple years old. I just ran across it, though. You’ve got a cop or state trooper riding behind someone very, very close because he’s running their plates. Another car gets involved and sort of cop blocks, I guess, the state trooper. So, you know, the state trooper has to pull over that guy. And here’s what the driver says to the state trooper. That’s how this video starts.
Unknown
Can I just ask you why you’re riding their butt like that and speeding, man?
Timmyboo
This is such a ballsy move for a variety of reasons. One, you’re being pulled over. The first thing you do is start interrogating the state trooper. We know police officers aren’t supposed to speed. They’re supposed to follow the law, too. But let’s be honest, they’re allowed to go whatever fucking speed they want. Furthermore, as we will find out, this guy has drugs in his car. Now, they may be legal. It’s like pot or something. Maybe medicinal, but it doesn’t matter. Why would you risk? Why would you put yourself in this position? There’s just so many opportunities for this to go horribly wrong for you. And like, you didn’t have to insert yourself into this scenario at all. Now, this is going to turn out to be a huge problem for the driver.
Unknown
Can I just ask you why you’re riding their butt like that and speeding, man? I’m running his license plate because everybody else is speeding. Why are you speeding? I was only going 60. Speed limit’s 40.
Timmyboo
Whether it’s 40 or 50, you’re at least 10 miles over the speed limit. So you can hear the state trooper going, good day, goodbye. But then he catches himself. He’s like, you know what? You’re a big pain in my ass. So let’s prolong this.
Unknown
Okay. Bye-bye. All right. Give me the weed, too. No, I have a medical marijuana card. Step out. I have a card. Step out. All right. All right. Stop, man. You want to fucking ruin your mouth? No problem. Became the right guy. Step out. All right, all right, stop.
Timmyboo
State trooper is a bit of a hothead, which is, again, a risk you run when you start fucking with them. So now this guy is being detained. He gets out of the car. He gets handcuffed.
Unknown
We’re not just being detained. You’re not under arrest. All right.
Timmyboo
We’re just going to have a conversation. The state trooper then explains what he was doing.
Unknown
The blue car was tailing me while I was pacing a tractor trailer looking for a motor vehicle violation because the governor’s office has gotten multiple complaints on traffic stops. I know. Okay? I know that. So we’re all doing our thing. Okay. He decides to pass me and flip me off. All right, Steve. I’m sorry. All right? Yeah, I’m sorry. So who the fuck do you think you are worrying about what I’m doing? Okay. You’re right.
Timmyboo
I know I’m right.
Unknown
God damn it.
Timmyboo
He’s so frustrated. God damn it. Meanwhile, the driver backed down so quick, right? I know. I know. I’m sorry. Okay. I understand. I know. But yeah, you know now. now that you’re handcuffed. Everyone’s got something to fucking say.
Unknown
Mind your own goddamn business. You’re fucking speeding. How about I start with that?
Timmyboo
Yeah, if you’re going to start fucking around with the cops, make sure you’re not doing anything illegal.
Unknown
I was following that kid for a reason. And if you hadn’t done that fucking stupid stunt, I’d be with him right now. But no, you just couldn’t leave it alone, could you? You had to be a fucking American.
Timmyboo
This reminds me so much of the time I ended up in the back of the police car. I wasn’t handcuffed, but it was for something similar, Like we were on the highway and the cop was chasing after a speeding car. And it just so happened. Like I didn’t notice it at first. The cop was behind me and I thought, okay, well I’m going to get into the other lane to let him pass me as he was getting over into the other lane to pass me. And then, so then I freaked out and then I like, then I corrected and tried to go back into another lane as he was doing it. It was like this dance. And he thought I was like preventing him from going after the person who was speeding. So he ended up pulling me over and he was pissed. And I was like, oh, poor baby couldn’t issue a ticket. This is how you make your salary. You’re not going to get a big fat bonus this year because you’re not going to issue enough tickets. Boo hoo. And that’s when I was thrown into jail for 90 days. No, I did not do that. I was, you know, shitting bricks. Anyway, back to the video here.
Unknown
God help you if there’s anything illegal in this car. Is it in the original dispensary container?
Timmyboo
So there is marijuana. It is not in a dispensary container.
Unknown
Is it in the original dispensary container? Then you’re fucked. How’s that sound? No shit. Mind your own fucking business next time.
Timmyboo
Now he’s going through the dude’s book bag.
Unknown
Why am I speeding? I’m doing my fucking job. Connecticut General statute 14-298 allows law enforcement officers to disregard the traffic laws in the performance of their duties. How the fuck am I going to catch a speeder if I’m not speeding? You late for your job at NASA with physics? You some sort of brainiac, huh? Work at NASA? It just never fucking ends in this fucking job. I got 14 months. I can’t fucking wait to be done. This ought to tell you why our department is going to have 1,300 as 850 right now. There’s a fucking clue to the public what a bunch of assholes you are.
Timmyboo
Yeah, he’s ready to retire. He’s too old for this shit. He then grabs a container. I guess it’s the container the marijuana is. And he throws it to the ground and stomps on it.
Unknown
Is it in the original dispensary container? No shit.
Timmyboo
I feel like he should get in trouble for that, at least. Eventually, he uncuffs the man and lets him go, but he’s not happy about it.
Unknown
Look at me. Do I look like I’m happy with you right now? Shut your fucking mouth, Mindro. It doesn’t be on your way. Don’t you ever fuck with me again.
Timmyboo
My favorite comment, of course, is the officer’s de-escalation skills are phenomenal.
Unknown
Mind your goddamn business.
Timmyboo
Don’t have to tell me twice. All right, and with that, let’s get into the crazy, bizarre twist to the 5.0 news right now. We have got some amazing holiday sideshow membership deals. If you’re not yet a member, go to distortedview.com right now. Monthly memberships, yearlies, and even lifetime memberships are 22 to 33% off. Sign up now and you’ll catch yesterday’s sideshow exclusive program and tomorrow’s sideshow exclusive program as well. Not to mention, you can listen to all of the the back catalog. Earlier this year, we were doing a bunch of mini shows. You can listen to those. Best of all, you support DV, ensure that this continues on for a long, long time. Just go to distortedview.com right now. Other ways to support the show. We’ve got a Patreon account, patreon.com slash distorted view. And of course, you can sponsor an episode of DV, only $25. Just PayPal me show at distortedview.com, or you can go to paypal.me slash distorted view. Make sure you let me know either in the little message box or better yet, email me and tell me exactly how you want to sponsor the show, what you want me to talk about. If you want me to play any audio clips or something. Again, just PayPal me 25 bucks to show at distortedview.com. Okay, two very quick stories now. First up, this was a new one for me. I do not suffer from electric rectum, yet another great name for a band or album. But apparently this is, this happens to people. They stand up and they start walking and all of a sudden their ass feels like it’s being shocked. The story I have here comes out of London, but I think it’s a worldwide problem. Some people experience an unexpected electric shock-like pain in and around the rectum that appears without warning. That’s what makes it even worse, possibly. Maybe it’s worse knowing you’re about to get an anal shock. I guess it just depends on what type of person you are. Anyway, the sensation, often referred to informally as lightning bum in the UK, is more common than many realize and can strike several times a year or even a month, according to medical experts. Doctors say the brief but intense pain typically lasts only seconds. That’s what I tell Lord Douche. It may be startling enough to make someone stop mid-activity. While the episode is usually harmless on its own, physicians advise paying attention to the symptom because it can occasionally signal an underlying health issue. Dr. Hannah Patel, a general practitioner who works with Superdrug Online Doctors, said the pain is often caused by spasms in the anal sphincter or pelvic floor muscles. I wonder if doing Kegel exercises could help. Everyone, let’s recite the song.
Unknown
You have to isolate the sphincter. And not use your abdominal muscles, not use your buttock muscles when you’re doing that squeeze to properly exercise the sphincter. Now, once you know how to do the Kegel exercise and you begin doing the exercise, proper way, you’re on your way to a drier bottom. Alright, now there’s a little song that’s called the Kegel song to help you learn to isolate this muscle effectively. The song goes like this. You put your right hand here, you put your left hand there. You don’t move any muscles in your belly or your rear. You squeeze your little sphincter so your urine won’t drip out. And that’s what it’s all about.
Timmyboo
And that’s how you prevent an electric rectum. Dr. Patel says people describe it as sudden and severe, similar to an electric shock. It can feel alarming, but in many cases it fades as quickly as it arrives. The condition has no precise medical name, but it is closely associated with Proctalgia Fugix, a disorder characterized by short bursts of rectal pain. Studies suggest the condition may affect up to nearly 1 in 5 people at some point in their lives, most commonly adults between the ages of 30 and 60. Although both men and women can experience the symptom, it’s reported more frequently by women. Doctors attribute this to factors such as hormonal changes, pregnancy, and gynecological conditions that can affect nerves and muscles in the pelvic region. In some cases, the pain may also resemble lightning crotch. Okay, now you’re just making stuff up. We’ve got electric rectum, lightning crotch. Lightning crotch is a term used to describe a sharp pelvic pain experienced during pregnancy. Again, this is stuff that just affects women. It just sucks to be female, doesn’t it? There’s just so many reasons. You get sponges stuck in your twat because you try not to bleed when you get fucked. You’re suffering from lightning crotch. It’s too much. Medical professionals stress that while isolated incidents are typically not dangerous, recurring lightning crotch or electric rectum episode should be discussed with a doctor. Conditions that may contribute to the symptoms include pelvic floor dysfunction, irritable bowel syndrome, endometriosis, nerve compression, or infections affecting the rectum. Sudden rectal pain can also be linked to inflammation or nerve irritation, Patel said, infections such as gonorrhea, chlamydia, or herpes. Now, every time your fucking anus twitches, you’re going to be like, oh my god, it’s gonorrhea. I know what that electrical charge in my asshole is. Herpes! Yes, it can involve the rectum and may trigger similar sensations. Treatment depends on the cause, but many people find relief through simple measures. Licking it. A good rim job will fix you right up. Doctors recommend warm baths, heat packs, relaxation exercises, and pelvic floor physiotherapy. Kegels, right?
Unknown
Ready? Go! You put your right hand here, you put your left hand there. You don’t move any muscles in your belly or your rear. You squeeze your little sphincter so your urine won’t come out.
Timmyboo
That’s what it’s all about. Second story we have for you today. What a dumb show this is, right? Yes, we’ve got a story from our most fucked up state. Say it with me.
Unknown
Our most fucked up state. Yes, it’s Florida. Our most fucked up state.
Timmyboo
A 53-year-old South Florida man is accused of trying to kill his 82-year-old mother with a frying pan. I guess when that didn’t work, wow, she’s got a very hearty noggin. He also tried to smother her because he felt overwhelmed by her dementia and declining health. Look, I’m always accused of trying to help criminals get away with their crimes. but like killing a dementia patient should be super, super easy. What you don’t want to do is smack her head with a frying pan. That fucking looks suspicious because people don’t go around whacking their own heads with cast iron skillets, you know? With dementia patients though, they do all sorts of like absent-minded shit because their mind is, well, absent. This would be a perfect opportunity to drug her, right? Whatever, I’m sure she’s on all sorts of medication. What if, let’s say, hypothetically, like a little child or a dog, this woman gets into stuff she shouldn’t, right? She decides that she needs to take her medicine and she takes too much of it and then, well, croaks. In reality, of course, you were the one that gave her the excess pills and killed her. You know, it’s just easy. I could totally kill dementia patients or Alzheimer’s people. There’s so many routes you could go. You know, they’re not stable. You could push them downstairs. You know, they could fall. The one thing you don’t do is like hit them so they got bruises and stuff. Duh. Coral Springs police arrested Keith Evan Woodward on Sunday and charged him with attempted first degree murder after the attack at a home in the northwest part of the city, according to an arrest affidavit in Broward County court filings. Shortly after 1120 a.m., Woodward and his mom were looking for a phone number for a caregiver when she went to lie down in her bedroom. Investigators say Woodward then took a large frying pan from the kitchen, went into the room, and struck her in the head as she lay on the bed. This wasn’t even an attack in the heat of the moment. Mom wasn’t even in the room. She’s like, I’m going to go lay down. I’m tired. She’s leaving you be. This is just an asshole son. A violent struggle followed, police wrote. Woodward allegedly climbed on top of his mom, hot, and tried to suffocate her with pillows, hotter, while she pushed and pinched at him. Oh my God, I’m going to come. And shouted that she could not breathe. Well, that just did it. I’m a sticky mess over here. Officers say he hit her in the head with the pan at least twice and again attempted to smother her. The woman managed to escape by sliding out from under her son, falling to the floor and running out through a garage door with him chasing behind her. Woodward eventually stopped and called 911 himself. Another boneheaded move. telling a dispatcher he was going to hell for what he had done. Yeah. Paramedics took the victim, who was described as alert and conscious. I’m not even sure she has dementia. She seems pretty with it. Maybe that knock to the head with that frying pan reversed the dementia process. She’s cured. This guy has reversed dementia. He really stumbled on something good there. All right. Authorities said she suffered significant bruising, and doctors were still evaluating the full extent of her injuries as of Monday. Her name has not been released. Woodward told detectives he intended to kill his mom because of her early dementia. She’s not even suffering from full-blown dementia. She’s barely a burden, and this guy is at his wits’ end. What a bad son. Yeah, he wanted to kill his mom because of her early dementia and her need for constant help. So annoying. Other local outlets citing police and court records reported that he described being unable to cope with her worsening medical problems and the level of care she required. He’s being held without bond at the Broward County Jail on a charge of attempted first-degree murder. A judge on Monday ordered that he have no contact with his mom, no shit, and undergo a mental health evaluation. How about we just hit him in the head with a frying pan a few times? That should be his punishment. That, my friends, is your distorted news for Wednesday. Let’s do a couple voicemails and get the hell out of ya.
Unknown
Spread that ass and show some hole. Sex distorted view. Text for Harry Cunt. For Harry Cunt.
Timmyboo
Yes, of course, in addition to voicemails, I am loving all of the text you freaks are sending us. You can text 206-666-4463. That’s also our voicemail line. But it’s way more fun to text for Harry Cunt. Text for Harry Cunt. Thank you. Recently, we featured Will Blunderfield. He was, you know, drinking his piss, playing with other dudes’ dicks, smelling their balls or whatever he does. Area code 254 wrote in Hey Timb These piss drinkers may be onto something P contains stem cells that are easy to isolate And because it’s your cells They don’t induce immune response or rejection So now I got piss drinkers Texting in to the 4 Harry Cunt line Or at the very least Piss drinker apologists Get the hell off my text line Don’t need any of that Another recent text Oh Dion Rifkin messaged He is not happy with a certain aspect of distorted view daily. And he wants to see some big changes. He says, Dion Rifkin here, just a suggestion. 98.7% of freaks, a very specific number, would agree. Please timestamp unicorn hamsters voicemails so we can just skip over that mush mouth human hemorrhoid and get to someone who has something of value to say. He then goes on to say, I hope he kills himself sooner rather than later. I do not share that sentiment, but I could try to timestamp Unicorn’s voicemail and just see how it goes. See what the feedback is like on that. Keep those texts coming. I also real quick wanted to say thanks to Mark once again for sponsoring today’s episode. Check out Mark’s eBay store. Use promo code Timmyboo. Save 11%. Get a creepy family photo. Again, he provided a tiny URL. It’s tinyurl.com slash marksmove. I will also provide a link on the show notes today for easy access. Let’s do some voicemails, see what the patrons are up to. It’s DJ C calling from the Tesla of love. You better watch out, my friend. You’re going to be the next one, freaks want timestamps of.
Unknown
To tell you I love you. Oh, thank you. And I want some more. Don’t, Lord, douche fighting stuff. It’s great. Got my tingles going here with the two of you. I love the Lord Douche updates. At one point, you had said Lord Douche was considering maybe coming on the show.
Timmyboo
Yeah, I have to ask him about that. There were a bunch of caveats. Caveats? Whatever. I shouldn’t use big words. There were certain caveats. Like he wanted his voice changed. You know, he wouldn’t appear on camera, obviously. But I’ll see if I can make this happen. That would be a great Christmas present to you freaks, huh?
Unknown
Is he still doing that? This would be the…
Timmyboo
If you have any questions for Lord Douche, email me or call into the voicemail line or, you know, text the Harry Cunt line. And maybe if we get some good questions, Lord Douche will participate.
Unknown
Perfect time. During a kitchen reno, the two of you can go back and forth. It’ll be great. Let us know, Jimmy Boo. Is he ever going to come on?
Timmyboo
I think we can make it happen, honestly. Especially if there was a money component. I feel like if we raise some money for the kitchen reno, that might make him agree to this.
Unknown
I am neither old…
Timmyboo
Always trying to suck money out of you freaks.
Unknown
I am neither old nor a woman. I do have an extra X chromosome. So that’s X, Y. Maybe half. Whatever. Don’t fucking know. Point is…
Timmyboo
That’s something interesting about you.
Unknown
I also dislike roundabouts. Though, only the ones more than one light. And honestly, it’s not the concept I hate, it’s the fact that nobody else can fucking navigate it. Where it just put in a freaking stoplight at that point.
Timmyboo
It is. Like, roundabouts are frustrating because of other people. Like, if people would just do it, they just would go, right? I have to wait six minutes while everybody else is stuck going in circles because I can’t figure out. Or it’s not even that. It’s like the person in front of you is waiting too long, right? They’re afraid to go and merge into the roundabout. They’re waiting for a huge, huge, huge gap. And it’s just like, no one’s going that fast. Just go. Just work your way in. The whole thing with the roundabout. Yeah, like if everyone would use the roundabout as it was intended, yeah, it’s much better than a fucking stoplight. Four-way stop.
Unknown
Hey, Ropes of Nut!
Timmyboo
Now we need to find an electric rectum. That name is now up for grabs.
Unknown
look sick. And it was my phone in my pocket, disconnected from my earbuds, and apparently butt-played your show.
Timmyboo
And happens to the best of us.
Unknown
I need to say, a little bit embarrassed. Merry Christmas, and good luck on that cabinet thing. You said, how can it be so difficult? They’re just square. Haley’s comment was right on the money. The cabinets are square. They’re very, very square. They’re made very precisely. Your house is not, and that’s where the trouble is.
Timmyboo
Especially this house. Nothing is level. Good luck on that. It’s going to be a disaster. I know. I know you know. We all know what’s going to happen. It’s time to let the mighty eagles soar once more. This is a great song, so I’m not mad that someone called in with this. By the way, great audio on this phone call. I don’t know how you’re not holding a speaker up to the phone. Sounds pretty clear. The eagles soar Like he’s never soared before Yeah, this was, um, what was his name? John Ashcroft? What was he? He was like the Attorney General. And he got up, this was after 9-11. And he just, you know, he recorded a little song. This was how he paid tribute to 9-11. You know, it’s like a celebrity politician, Linda Finkel, Hall of Famer. Our government has been whacked out of its mind for decades. This is proof of it. Although, you know, it was right after 9-11. Everyone was like fucking insane. We all had those stupid little flags in our doors. We had those little things sticking out of our car doors. Everyone on the road had an American flag flapping in the wind just to prove how much we love this country. All right, great song. Thank you very much for all the voicemails. Keep them coming. That’s all the time we have on this edition of the show. I want you guys to email me. Show at DestroyedFU.com. DestroyedFU.com is our official website. Voicemail line for you. 206-666-4463. That’s 206-66. So God, is it O God? I piss. You piss. We piss. This is piss. Spread the distortion. STD. Tell all your friends about the show. Don’t forget to give us a five-star rating, a thumbs up, or like wherever you can rate and review podcasts. Tomorrow’s episode is going to be sideshow exclusive. It’s a great time to sign up. We’ve got those holiday deals. Check out distortedview.com. Otherwise, I’ll see you back on Friday. Until then, have a great day. Bye, everybody.
Unknown
Your cock pushing firm against my puckered rosebud. Oh, yes. Fuck my ass. This has been another excellent podcast from the Scribe Media Group. Learn more at Scribe.net.
